oceans

Oceans

2012-02-08T16:36:00.003-05:00

I guess it was almost 7 years ago that my new boyfriend encouraged me to start blogging. That boyfriend is now my husband and it seems so odd that I have had this blog for that long. When I look back a the things I have written I get a sense of dramatic change in my life even though it doesn't seem like things have changed so much. It's a weird feeling like looking at pictures of when you were younger and you don't actually remember getting older or fatter or thinner or whatever.
Anyway, things have changed for sure.

I feel like so many more things will change soon. I just feel it in the ol' bones if ya know what I mean. Kind of like the 7 year itch, maybe. Except, hopefully, it will not include one or both of us having an affair, since that is what the 7 year itch really is about. What am I talking about? Anyway, I hope things will change for the good.

Here's something. It's been waaaaay too long since aunt flow has come to visit if you catch my drift. This has happened before and it is tortuous. The PMS literally feels like torture. I'm sure Mike feels tortured too. I hope it doesn't lead to the 7 year itch. Here I go again. I'll stop now.

shedding skin

2012-01-29T14:14:00.002-05:00

You know, I wonder. I wonder if it hurts when an animal sheds it's skin. Or hurts a tree when it loses it's leaves. Maybe not physically but I wonder if they ever have a sense of loss. I guess that they don't but who really knows. It isn't like they can be asked. I feel like I am shedding skin or losing my leaves a bit and it really doesn't feel good at all. In fact, it hurts really badly. I am shedding friends. Relationships. Past behaviors. It is not fun and feels really uncomfortable.

I have had friends for awhile that I felt slipping away. I have been going in a different direction and noticed that we just don't have much in common anymore. These people I have cared about for so long but I can tell that they just don't really care about me anymore. I have been replaced. Maybe not intentionally but I have been just the same. I hear about thing that I would have been invited to awhile ago but wasn't this year. I see pictures of happy faces perfectly content with my absence. It hurts yet it feels right. When I do spend time with these people it is clear that I am not fitting in. I can't/don't drink to get drunk anymore and I feel like I have the same conversations with the same people I have had 50 times before. I'm no fun when they are with them because I am not having any fun and I can't pretend like I am. They are having fun with people that I just don't like.

The thing is I wish I could just say, " hey guys, I understand that we aren't really friends anymore so let's kind of just say goodbye so there is closure".

Anyway...that's that.

October

2011-10-24T13:26:00.001-04:00

Well, things have been up in there are for what seems like forever and though the pieces are slowly falling into place, I have a feeling that I won't feel settled for awhile.

We were praying for what seemed like forever for mike to get a permanent job with good benefits. That prayer was graciously answered and he now is working back in Delaware which provides some really cool possibilities.

First, the possibility of moving back to Delaware is more than a little attractive. With so many of the people I love moving to California I feel like I need to circle the wagons around myself a little. What that basically means is moving closer to people I love and hope and pray and beg and plead that they do not leave me. Pathetic? Probably, but I'm cool with that. I am not happy with my sisters and nieces and nephew being across the country and now, to add insult to injury someone else I dearly dearly love has broken the news that she is most probably moving to L.A. too. Damn it all. Part of me wants to say, SCREW THIS S, and just move out there myself. But why? For what? My loved ones are there because of the dream of breaking into Hollywood. Not really my dream. It's so expensive to live out there that it just doesn't make sense because the only reason to move would be to be with people I love. Good reason but it seems so impractical. Plus, Mike just got the job in Delaware.

Now, in order for us to move to Delaware we need to sell this house. Seems like a huge insurmountable thing. I need to find a job down there and we need to you know, move. Stressful.
God has been very faithful and I know he will continue to be. Even things don't always happen quickly I always get what I want even if it isn't what I thought I wanted in the first place.

The other possibilities opening up are particularly exciting to me personally because the benefits we will be getting will cover some procedures that I have been looking into and wanting desperately for years. I am really hoping those things work out because they really would be my dreams coming true.

Well, that's all for now.

A post

2011-09-21T12:14:00.002-04:00

Today seems like kind of a good day just because of the fact that I feel better than I have been feeling. I someone how got sick which is odd since I haven't had a cold in a long long while. I hate having to call out of work. It makes me feel so guilty and scared that my coworkers will get mad at me. I had to call out yesterday. I needed the night off and honestly, the rest coupled with the hot toddy I was drinking did the trick. You know what didn't do the trick? NyQuil and Dayquil. I felt really drugged but did not feel any better. Never again, I say.

I am reading a book called The Kitchen House. I really like it. It is about the life of a young Irish girl who is sold into indentured servant hood at a plantation in the late 1700's.

I am feeling tired now. I will right more later.

Aug. 10, 2011

2011-08-10T11:50:00.002-04:00

Well, it was a rough weekend but the clouds are clearing.

Because Mike and I haven't had insurance since he stopped working at his previous job my Dr. thought it would be a good idea for me to try a generic medicine instead of my Lexapro.It was bad news for my emotions. On top of the medicine issue a lot of other emotionally challenging things popped up and I couldn't really deal well. On Monday I had had enough of feeling crazy and decided that I would GLADLY pay more money if it meant I could have the Lexapro. I ordered it from a Canadian pharmacy so it was a lot less expensive. I have been back on Lexapro for 3 days and I feel like I am feeling really good. Why can't I get it through my head that Lexapro works and I need to be on it?

I am reading Half Broke Horses by Jeanette walls and I love it. I loved The glass Castle by her as well.

Today is a lovely day and again it reminds me that lovely fall is just around the corner. Hooray. Life feels good again.

Tears

2011-08-04T12:29:00.002-04:00

Today I have tears because it is my grandfather's birthday. I miss him so much and wish that he was still alive.

Today I have tears because Darby and Lyric and Ollie are going back to California. I hate that we live on opposite coasts and that I can't see them when I want or need to.

Today I have tears because it's August and Lindsay, Collin and Senya will be most likely leaving at the end of this month to move to California.

I don't have words for how happy Senya and Lyric and Ollie make me. Nor do I have the words to express my sadness that I can't be with them. I don't have any more chances to see my grandfather or to tell him that I love him so much.

All I have is tears.

Hello

2011-07-29T13:07:00.002-04:00

Sorry it has been so long. Sometimes I really just don't feel like saying anything. But I thought I would write today and see what comes out. It's almost August and that it kind of bizarre. When August hits I start tot get really excited for the fall and the stuff that comes with fall. The weird thing about summer is that I feel like when it is hot I hibernate just like I do when it is really cold outside. It is actually easier for me to go out when it's cold than when it is really hot.

We went camping last weekend with Lindsay, Collin, Sen, Jes Kruse, Dave and Jen cardine and their kids. Oh and Dex and Zuri. SO fun but I am really not a roughing it kind of girl. I like camping for a weekend, tops. The first night was so great. Though the day was sweltering we went to the lake and swam to cool off. Then the air cooled as the sun went down and we had dinner and all sat around the fire. Things were peaceful and nice. Perfect camping experience. The next night however, the white trash came out of the woodwork. Jeez, that was so mean. I am still kind of bitter, though. This large group of people set up shop right across from us and were really loud. After Sen went to bed it was kind of stressful because they were yelling and screaming and then their stupid car alarm kept going off and waking Sen up. They were also play rap music loudly past quiet time. Just as I was about to lose it, God sent a downpour of rain and the loudies scurried like roaches to get out of the rain. Heavenly, peace one again. The next morning we were awakened with LOUD country music blaring from their beat up truck. They kept playing this song over and over about being from the wrong side of Memphis. More like the wrong side of hell.

Now, originally Mike was kind of embarrassed that it was just him and me and the cockapoo in a 10 person tent but I think he was pretty happy we had settled on the weather master 10 when the rain was pouring and we were dry in our portable house. Snuggled in our air mattress with our battery operated fans and lantern to read by. I told you. I am NOT into roughing it. AND I need my space. If that means we need to get a tent with a foyer and a swinging side door than so be it.

Oh, you should know that I have mastered rice and beans. That is to say that I have found the most delicious way to make brown rice and beans. Sometimes the type of bean changes but the basic flavor stays the same. Besides seasoning the three must have ingredients for me are 1. Garlic 2. onions and 3. Jarred jalapenos. Gosh it is so so so good. I eat it everyday.

That's all for now.

2011-06-16T14:55:00.002-04:00

I'm not who I've been. I'm not defined by my past. I've changed and grown and I like who I am. Don't pigeonholed me. I don't have to be the bad one or the fat one or the sarcastic or lazy one. I can be the pretty one. I can be the smart and the thin one. I am that one. I am. I am the one I want to be. I am.

Oh summer.

2011-05-31T12:52:00.002-04:00

I had a great weekend.In my mind it was some of the best stuff that summer is made of. Just floating around in the pool with my straw hat and sunglasses on. Um, I had a bathing suit on too. No nude swimming in the middle of the day. I'm kind of strict about that rule. My doggie was floating on the raft with me. He will just climb right off the steps and right onto the raft because he doesn't like to be left behind. Ever.People I loved were there. Baby Sen was there in all her fanged glory. If you haven't had the pleasure of seeing this vampiresque girl, you need to. It will lighten your heart's load. I promise. She has two fangs in her upper mouth. It's hilarious and adorable.

The sun was hot but the pool was cool and there was a pleasant breeze in the shade. We ate food cooked outside. Many meatless treats including deviled eggs which is kind of the king of egg preparations in my book. Speaking of meatless... I have completely lost the taste for meat. It has been a long time coming but I really just can't really even choke it down. Maybe it is a mental block but meat tastes bad to me these days.

I'm pretty sunburned but it is a pleasant, albeit slightly painful, reminder of the great weekend. Hooray for summer. Though I am not a huge fan of the heat I am most definitely a fan of most other things summer.

Nice one

2011-05-19T15:33:00.002-04:00

Just for today, Do not anger.

So, I have started my Reiki classes and for those of you who do not know what Reiki is, look it up. Lot's of people think it is a new age or creepy thing to do and really, it isn't. It's just the laying on of hands. It uses energy which we all have to heal. I make sure that I am giving credit to Jesus. He gives us the energy, in my book.

Anyway, the first principle to live a life of happiness is, "Just for today, do not anger". We focus on the moment, the present and we do not let anger get the best of us. Anger hurts us and it hurts those around us. I have been letting go of anger. It is quite liberating. In fact, I recently saw someone that I was EXTREMELY angry with at a party for a friend. I was able to tell him that I forgive him. I told him that we wouldn't be close but I would be civil. I told him that I don't trust him( and probably never will) but I will not actively harbor anger towards him.He thought that was nice but... it wasn't for him. It was for me and for others who were affected by my anger. I feel good about it. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I have let go of the anger cause let's face it, sometimes people fuck up BIG TIME. Then again, so do I. It's important to remember that.

I'm still feeling content with my life. I'm really enjoying simple things. I always have but sometimes, in the past, I have felt perpetual discontentment. I would always think I would be happy if I just had the next thing or if a certain situation would resolve. But things break and we can't control other people or their behavior. I want people to act and be a certain way but I. CANNOT. CONTROL. THEM. It is kind of rough to come to terms with that but it is just the plain damn truth. So, I'm trying to be what I value in other people. I'm trying to change what I can and release trying to control what I can't. It's like that old completely overused Serenity Prayer. I always wondered why the 12 step groups used it. Cause it's kind of true.

Just for today. I will not anger.

A new post for you

2011-05-16T15:58:00.003-04:00

Here you go, loyal readers. I am sorry that I have been neglectful but in fact have been not only quite busy but also quite unmotivated as well. Forgiven? Ok, so a few things.

A. Been meditatin'. Not just meditating. Meditatin' makes you so relaxed that you leave of the g. I made that up. I have been doing guided visualizations. Nothing crazy or weird just going to my sacred place which is just a non overused version of my "happy place".It really helps me to get a hold of my emotions and quiet my spirit. I love it and I have seen a huge difference in the way I feel towards others.

B.I discovered fried pickles. Oh lordy. Hold me back. Them things is taaaasty little critters. Jeez, I cannot stop thinking in a southern drawl. Oh well, I'm fixin to just go with it. So, about them picks'. They are dill pickle chips dips in batter and deep fried. You then dip them in this tasty sauce. It's salty and sweetish and sour and dilly. Yum. I want some. real bad. They are $4.50 for a small order so I can't just get them whenever I want. I can dream about them, though.

My roses are so beautiful this year. I say that every year. They are fantastic and huge and yellow with pink outlining the petals. I also have pretty climbing roses. I ALSO have a doggie licking my face right now. Now that doggie is breathing his doggie breath on my face. Now that doggie is trying to get me to play so he is biting my hand. I am bored of writing this.

I can think of nothing to write. Adios.

What happen to the customer always being right? and other complaints from the old man...and me

2011-03-31T21:30:00.004-04:00

Ok, so maybe there is some kind of Karma thing going on here or maybe customer service just sucks these days. Either way today we experienced the second experience in less than a week where the lack of good customer service or common decency, for that matter, left mike and I feeling a bit kicked in the old crotcharoo.

Last weekend Mike and I went away to Island beach AKA Tom's River,New Jersey. Mike and I had been there before and were in good spirits but it was after we couldn't find the hotel, were made to feel incredibly stupid by the manager of the hotel and then told they were charging us an extra 50.00 from the price quoted to us in an email that I was feeling mighty grumpy. This guy was so rude to us for no reason we both had to hold our anger at bay. My annoyance grew after mike started driving in circles looking for another hotel while they all looked like you could rent the room by hour. IF you know what I mean. I said in a snippy voice, "Can we just go to beach".Mike tried to find a place to park but for some reason was driving really slowly, which pissed me off more. COME ON! I said. I knew I was acting like a giant bitch but at the moment I couldn't stop. I couldn't. Bitchiness was flowing out of me like the river of life and I could NOT put a cork in it. I stomped out of the car and stomped down the beach. Literally. Stomped. Like a child. Like ME as a child when I would stomp up the stairs and into my room. If the beach had a door I would have slammed the hell out of it. This was my birthday celebration and it was ruined by a rude man with a graying bowl cut. I kid you not. He had a friggin bowl cut. It was graying. I was thinking the whole time, "seriously dude? you are going to be rude? Cause you have a BOWL CUT and you are like 50." Anyway, I stomped down to the beach expecting Mike to feel sorry for me. I am wondering what is taking so long for him to come down and do one of his, "listen babe..." speeches which always ends up with how he loves me so much and he just wants me to be happy so he'll do whatever I want. I turn around to see what is taking him so long and he has his big camera out and is snapping pictures like a tourist with nothing on his mind. I stomp up to him and say, "Can we LEAVE ?! I hate this place right now. I hate it. I want to go home. I am ready to have a panic attack!" I start stomping away and Mike, snapping a few more pictures, gets in the car. I start to cry and say that I realize I am acting like a brat but I am just so mad at the retarded guy with the retarded hair. Mike turns to me and proceeds with his," Listen Babe..." speech. He found a nice comfort inn and the rest of the night was really nice.

TODAY, Mike and had another bad experience with customer service. without going into it, it wasn't as bad as our trip experience but it was still frustrating. Mike made me feel better by taking me to the really nice restaurant called...something. I forget the name. Like, Federal, no CAPITAL, that's it...Capital Grill. Actually, it was a swanky place so I'm pretty sure there was E on the end of Grille. I had this amazing crab and lobster cake and Truffle fries. Truffle as in mushroom truffle. Not chocolate. Anyway, it was DELISH. The kind of food that makes you wonder what you were eating before cause it sure's the hell wasn't food.

Oh update...I wrote this post last night and today Mike got a call from the GM of JCPenney where we had the issue yesterday. He rectified the sitch so good customer service still exists. Hooray for the world.

Oh, and lastly, Mike just got a log term job today. It isn't permanent but seems to be a really good thing for us right now. Hallelujah.

Spring and things

2011-03-14T15:10:00.003-04:00

It's almost officially spring but it is already spring in my head and heart. My flowers are starting to bloom, the weather is getting warmer and I have been celebrating my birthday with people. I might rush spring a bit but with all the cold weather in my town and in my heart I'm ready for some serious warming all around. My depression was particularly bad this winter as was my substance abuse. If you have ever experienced such emotional pain then you know how life feels like spring when you start to see the flower buds of hope popping up. When you have severe depression you don't really see the flowers though you might be looking straight at them. You can't feel the sun though you know that it is shining on you. It is like everything is colored gray like a black and white movie. The movie isn't interesting though, it is just on in the back round creating noise when you are trying to sleep. So when you start feeling better it is like little parts of the movie have color again. Maybe a woman's lips are red. Maybe there is a green blade of grass. Then more and more things are turning colors until you are intrigued with the movie. Then you start to hear the dialogue and you start laughing until finally you think,"Oh I REMEMBER this movie. It's my favorite." It's a great feeling. a great great feeling.

This is all I want to say now.

Double Shift

2011-03-01T20:49:00.003-05:00

Today I'm working a double shift. Teaching a morning and night class. Wait, I just have to real quick say that the stink is still an issue so I am pressing through the impulse to stand up and shout, "LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT, PEOPLE" at the top of my lungs. However, being the day it was I don't want to press my luck. I am talking about the fact that several people from our campus got laid off and one got fired. A friend of mine, a teaching assistant, was one of the heads on the block. I feel sad that he is gone but also a sense of relief that I was told that I was "safe". That was the word used. You know, while he was really fun to have around, he had some strange habits.A. He sniffed me. Like he would put his nose to my arm and breath in my scent. He would say I smell wonderful. Now, I am aware that I have achieved that intoxicating mix of fresh.light.clean. But well, I'm a married girl and if I weren't it would still be kind of odd to just breathe in my arm, albeit the intoxicating fresh. light. clean. So that's weird. He does have a good sense of humor and made me laugh. He also thought I was his age, 24, so that's pretty cool.

Moving on to my other friend that I work with. This friend I love. This friend is hilarious and really sweet and super cute. This friend has been flirty with me for about a year but I didn't think anything of it because he IS a homosexual after all. He is openly gay. This friend told me today that he has a crush on me. Like, a for real crush. I said, "You're GAY". He said it doesn't matter because he still can get a crush on girls and he thinks I'm so cute. That's really flattering and sweet and all but...um. I'm confused.

In between classes today I didn't have enough time to go home so I went into a dark room, played music and took a nice little nap. As I was leaving the room I saw a super cute man walk in the door. It took me a few seconds in my freshly napped state to realize that it was Mike. My husband Mike. He had come to visit me because he loves me. He said I had a really sweet expression on my face like I was totally happy and surprised to see him. I was. It was so so sweet of him to come and I just felt so warm and safe and special to him. It was a small moment in time but for some reason it was one of my favorite ones thus far.

This room literally smells like one giant stinky armpit. Like maybe the walls are made of pits or something. I had to announce that it smells. I said, "OK, so it smells like stinky arm pits". Everyone was like, "It's not me". I said, "well, I'm just saying". One of my students, that I love, said in his cute little Spanish accent, "Well, she is just saying that good hygiene is important". He is not the one that smells. I know who it is. She was the first to say,"It's not me, I'm wearing deodorant". I said in my head,"Reapply." I should have said it out loud.

Things in my head

2011-02-28T21:46:00.004-05:00

Since I write what I am feeling and then often leave it as a draft or erase it before I post, I have decided to just write and post. Boom. Write and post. Boom. Just like that. Just like what is in my head will just spill out and then I will post it. Boom. Just like that. Sorry. Anyway, so this is what is in my head....

Hygiene. More specifically, the lack of good hygiene. I never would have believed this but I come in contact with numerous students who literally stink. Like, truly smell bad. I even teach a huge chapter on hygiene and germs and all that jazz. I make it a point to be specific about how horrible it is for a massage therapist to smell bad. I'm talking bad breath, horrible under arm odor that clearly smells like the person A. wears no deodorant and B. hasn't showered for a few days. Stinky feet, like they never change their socks and have some sort of fungus. Smelly hair, like that yucky old oily hair stink. and worst of all...I mean really truly gag me with the stench, butt and/or crotch odor. Like men and women that smell of stinky butt/crotch. What the HELL people. What. THE. HEEEEEELLLLLLLLLL. These people are adults and I have to tell them that other class mates have complained about their hygiene. It's so uncomfortable for me and the worst part is is that they just go on stinking. Ok, so, I kid you not. As I write this a student came over to get a paper towel because she was sweating and she smelled like pit stink. She is in her 30's. She doesn't look like she should stink but yet...she really does.

So I, as someone who is A. Married to a remarkable unstinky man and B. obsessed with smelling pleasant have some questions. First, may I state for the record that I might even take the hygiene overboard. Yes, I shower and wash my hair every day but I also take a bath at night. That is usually for pain relief and relaxation but I suds up for sure. I like to smell clean and feel fresh. I brush my teeth twice a day but also floss like it's going out of style. I actually love to floss. I've never had a cavity so...I'm pretty proud of that. I use deodorant and powder. Powder works great for the undies. In fact, I use Lush powder in the aptly named Silky Underwear. I use lotion and spray on my body . The effect is fresh, light and clean. that's how I want the air around me to be. SO, I feel assaulted when I get hit with a wall of stench. Oh right, my questions are A. Do you know you smell and B. Why do you smell? Do you not smell that stinky smell and wonder," hmm, is that me?" and if you do do you not think to your self,"hmm, shouldn't I do something about that stink"? It boggles my mind people. My mind is officially boggled.

Ugh. Bleck. I'm smelling it. I'm smelling it right now. The stink. The stank. The stunk. It wafts in this direction. I checked to see if it was me. Of course, I am normal so that is the first thing I do. It is not. I have achieved the desired Fresh.Light. Clean.

So besides having a almost visual cloud of green noxious gas floating in front of my face I also have a horrible headache. Maybe it's because of the green gas cloud.

That what's going on with me. Write. Post. Boom. Just like that.

Better

2011-02-07T09:50:00.003-05:00

I have been feeling much much happier lately. As some of you know, if there is anyone who still reads my neglected blog, I have had a pretty tough couple of years. The past few months have especially sucked. I had some stress, anger and sadness that were the dominant emotions in my life. In order to make myself feel better I kicked the drinking and other stuff up a good 40 notches. That was a completely random estimate of notches kicked. I don't even know what that means, sorry. My point is that I was drinking a lot. A LOT a lot. As in, drinking at inappropriate times and being drunk when I should not be drinking at all. Also, drinking massive quantities of whatever I could get my hands on and smoking stuff that isn't legal.That went on for a good year, I'd say.

So a few weekends ago I hit rock bottom. I won't go into details but it involved a weekend that I can't quite recall. Mike filled me in on why water was pouring through the ceiling and why we needed a new toilet. Why he was washing sheets and my pajamas and why he hid a bottle of sleeping pills.

Darby had me go back and look at some texts I had sent and explained why she was going to call an ambulance from California.

Bad bad weekend. The good news is that I am on my antidepressant like I should be. I also have chosen to live a sober lifestyle.

I have also chosen to heal from anger and hurt and make my relationship with God a priority.

So far so good. It's a struggle to live a healthy life but it's what I want.

Fancy little song I wrote

2010-12-16T13:00:00.003-05:00

Trying to work out some issues right now

"I'm a really kind girl
one of the kindest I know.
There isn't actually too much these days that I just haven't let go.

But when you came to my world you started out like a song one that I didn't like much at first but then I assumed I was wrong.

Then you f-cked up my world and therefore it will be a better place without you. Good good riddance to bad bad rubbish. Yes that rubbish is you. Yes, the shit is you."

Not done yet but I think it is a good start.

Why don't I post more? and other things...

2010-11-02T19:32:00.004-04:00

You know, there was a time in my life when I wrote more often. Not just on my blog but in general. I wrote in my journals and I often found myself following up on ideas for stories.Why don't I wrote more now? I think my issue is not time. I have plenty of time. I think it is a mixture of lack of creativity and lack of confidence. I start to write and then I reread the words and think they are crap. I think, " who would want to read this"? I wonder if people would talk or act they way I am portraying them. Then I wonder what I was thinking and erase everything. Hmph. I hate not feeling like what I create is good. Even when I am writing on my blog I feel like writing is tedious. I feel like I am trying to wade through my muddy thoughts and put down something witty an eloquent. I feel like it never works and everything sounds boring and trite. Blaaaaah. yucky.

Anyway, Mike and I went away for the past two weekends. We went to a bed and breakfast for two nights two weekends ago and it was fantastic. It was very peaceful and quiet and the bed was very comfortable. The first night I didn't sleep well. I felt really scared in the room and felt like we weren't alone. I used to feel that way all of the time when I was in my early 20s. When I lived at my parents house I slept in what used to be Darby's room. I would feel terrified sometimes. There was a period when there was some weird stuff going on at our church. I mean, there were people introducing weird stuff and I am really sensitive to spirits. Something was with me and I don't mean the Holy Spirit.

The worst time I remember was laying in my bed and not being about to fall asleep. It was late at night and I felt terrified. All of a sudden, and mind you I was wide awake, I could not move my body. Something heavy was pushing me into the bed. It was hard to breathe but I started praying out loud. All of the sudden the thing lifted off of me in a wave from my feet to my head leaving a tingling feeling behind in it's wake. It was crazy.

It was scary like that for a few years. I moved in with someone and she was gone a lot. I felt terrified there a lot and always felt like someone was watching me.

When I moved to A Door of Hope things got a lot worse. I was terrified at night. I couldn't sleep and all of the other Mentors were having problems as well. I woke up one night to a dark cloud hovering above me. All I could think of to say is,"what the hell are you doing here"? My friend that had the room across from me said that she felt someone lay down next to her and kiss her neck. One halloween night I was there by myself and and I heard a several doors upstairs slam.

I decided to have people come in and pray through the house and immediately the problems stopped. It was crazy.

Well, the point is, and yes I did nothing to make this long story short, is that Mike prayed for me that night at the B&B and I wasn't scared anymore. It just confirmed that I can still get tormented by forces that I can't see.

This past weekend Mike and I went to the inner harbor for a wedding of two of his friends. It was a lovely Jewish wedding and the reception was so fun. We got back tot eh hotel around 3am and I still feel like I am recovering but it was totally worth it.

So, that's all my news for now. I don't feel like checking my work so sorry if there are any mistakes.

2010-09-23T13:20:00.002-04:00

It is officially fall. I am thankful even though it feels like summer. I would prefer it to feel like fall but I believe I will be wishing it was warmer relatively soon. Doesn't it seem to always be that way with me? Always wishing for something else. I am trying to be thankful for the moment. I'm trying to stay there and not wish the present peacefulness away. When I am stressed I want peace. When there is peace I crave adventure. I feel like my life is one big mood swing.

But let's talk fall memories. Some of my favorite times because when we girls were little my parents would take us to do fun things in the fall. We would walk at Winterthur and I distinctly remember the smell of the leaves and being surrounded by so many colors. Deep reds and bright oranges. I loved the way the yellow trees looked against the deep blue sky. We would go to a place called Hawk Mountain where you hiked up and saw hundreds of swooping hawks. We would go to Linvilla orchards and tour through the fairytales and nursery rhymes depicted by scarecrows and pumpkin people. We would build fires in our backyard and sit and drink hot chocolate.

Fall is a happy time usually. I was always so excited to go back to school and see my friends but dreaded it just the same. I always had high hopes that this would be the year I did my homework and got good grades. This year I would get a boyfriend and have my first kiss. This year I would be happy. I never actually had one of those years. I had fun. I had dumb boyfriends that lasted for a few weeks. Never had my real first kiss until much later.Never good good grades or did my homework. I wonder how much my life would be different if my high school years were different. Maybe they wouldn't have changed. Maybe my life would be unrecognizable.

My most favorite fall memory was on a rainy day in October of 2005. As we stood in front of a fire in a beautiful big stone fire place I held the hand of my love and promised him that we would share the rest of our lives together. We've been holding hands ever since.

Anyway, I raise my glass of cider to fall and say welcome to new good memories.

I want to believe

2010-09-14T12:12:00.002-04:00

I want to believe that there are good things just ahead for us. I want to believe that God loves us and wants amazing things for us. I want to believe that this time will pass. I want to believe that Mike will find a fantastic job and that he will finally be appreciated for his talents and wonderful work ethic. I want to believe good prevails and not evil. It's hard to believe. But I want to.

On our way

2010-09-08T14:01:00.002-04:00

So we have decided that Mike needs to persue his dreams. We aren't really sure what that is right now. I told him that if he figures out what he wants to do with his life I will do whatever it takes to support him. We think he will probably have to go back to school. The thing is that his work will only reimburse him for 50% of his courses and limits that to like 1 course a semester. So, he is looking at other careers and trying to really figure out what he wants to do.

I on the other hand just got back on Ritalin which helps me to focus. I am hoping that I will be able to see more clearly now.

I feel like we are going to make a big move soon.

2010-09-03T13:17:00.002-04:00

I feel like I should be doing something more productive with my life. I should be making more money or having a family or helping people. I feel stagnant. I feel like I was made for something a little more awesome tan this but I don't know what it is. I want to go back to school but I don't know what for and we can't afford it anyway. Mike wants to go back to school too but we again, can't afford it. I wish something awesome would happen. I need something to change.

2010-08-23T12:43:00.002-04:00

No purpose. Giving nothing, creating nothing. Darkness where there should be light. Sadness where there should be a smile. Huge black hole always wanting more. No relief. No satiation. Someone always wants but no one wants to give. I reach out but no one is there. No one can give me what I need.

August 18th

2010-08-18T10:51:00.002-04:00

On this date in 1974 one of the world's best people was born. My sister, Darby. Ever since I was born she has been my of my best friends and one of the most talented, beautiful, loving, kind, and funny people I have ever met. She is truly amazing.

Every year when we were young, I would look forward to her birthday almost as much as I looked forward to mine. Now granted, when I was very young I didn't understand that Darby's birthday meant that SHE got presents and I did NOT. This really cranked me out. I have pictures of me pouting my lower lip out while darby is smiling with her new doll in hand. The story goes that I went around the whole day with the aformentioned pouty lip saying. "Merry March" or "Murry Mawch" because of my speech impediment. Which of course meant, "I don't get presents until March and I am really VERY unhappy about it. " But you know, I was three, so, Murry Mawch is as good as it got. Anyway, as I got older I understood that the present thing, though it stung, was pretty normal. I did NOT however, like the fact that she got to have camp outs in the tent or go to the beach or any other variety of awesome summer activities while March was always around 30 degrees.

Through the years we had very many happy memories of her birthdays though as we got older we didn't/don't get to spend them together anymore. This hurts but I know that she is being celebrated for the wonderful person that she is.

So, Happy birthday, Dawby! I love you soooo much!!

Nice

2010-08-11T13:16:00.002-04:00

So yesterday I started the HCG homeopathic drop diet. I felt pretty shitty yesterday. I had a horrible headache and really couldn't think well. However, I am happy to report that I didn't feel hungry and today I saw that I have lost 3.1lbs. I also feel a lot perkier so, I'm going to stick with it.

That's all I feel like saying just now.

August

2010-08-03T12:39:00.002-04:00

Well, it is officially August. That makes me happy because I call September fall even though it is technically still summer. Can I just say that I hate the hot weather? Cause I do. I have said that before and I will say it again. Right now I am sweating and sitting in my pajamas writing on the computer. It is 12:42pm and I still haven't taking a shower and officially started my day. I have managed to clean the kitchen which is one thing that I do regularly. I can do the kitchen and the dishes. One thing I can not do is the stove top burners. They are disgusting and crusted with black gunk. How do I get it off? I tried soaking it and a bunch of cleaning products. The gunk does not budge. The day I find the remedy for that is a happy day in my book.

Also, I managed to watch part of a black and white movie with Carol Kane when she was younger. Some movie where she is a Russian Jew back in the early 1900 and she comes to America where she finds her husband Americanized. It is really interesting.

Last night when I was trying to fall asleep I started thinking about how it was odd that we are called Americans. Russians.Canadians.Indians. But then there are the Irish, French, Scots. It's weird. At least it was at 2:00am.

As I sit here sweating I realize that my right armpit smells a little stinky. My left one smells fine and I have noticed that before. Right pit stinky. Left pit fine. I wonder why that is.

I'll leave you with that delightful thought as I go and take a shower.

2010-07-21T13:30:00.002-04:00

I think I have embraced living in the city. I have started taking dexter for daily, albeit short, walks around the block and I have met some nice people.
I also put a wreath on the dilapidated wood fence in the back. You know, make it look like I am really into the shabby chicness of the thing.I also painted a little bird feeder and stuck in in the yard. I am wondering if that was a bad idea. I forgot that birds like to poop. I forgot that Dexter likes to eat stuff on the ground. Do you catch my drift?
Speaking of eating poop. Dexter Dog is pretty huge now and can efficiently hop over the gate that blocks the stairs in a single bound. If he gets up enough speed around the corner he can clear it without knocking it down. He sort of prolongs the moment when he is stretched out mid air to make himself look like a horse effortlessly jumping a fence. He usually lands clumsily but he doesn't care. I have to race after him because he is fast. Like the wind. If I don't catch him in time he will dash to the litter box and grab a huge turd. putrid.
He is really kind of naughty. I try to discipline him like mike does because he listens to mike. He is just so darn adorable. I try to get mad at him for stealing paper and ripping it up. But he just does it with such passion. ripping and tearing and growling and showing that paper towel who is boss. I try to get mad at him for taking a running jump and landing on me when I am on the sofa but then he plops down on my lap and licks my hand. He is just too cute.
Well, I best go get the little guy from his time out. Yes, he gets time outs in his crate. I'll let you know how that works out.

much happier

2010-06-06T11:26:00.002-04:00

I have seemed to emerge from a gloomy mist of sorts. I feel like I can breathe more freely. I feel like it is ok to be happy and laugh with friends. I am enjoying doing thing that are social without feeling self conscious and weird.

I feel like I can have fun and enjoy life without smoking pot and drinking. I'll be honest for the last year I have really been using substances as a crunch. The other night at the celebration of a dear, dear friend, we were going around the circle of love and saying what we loved about her or what we admired about her.This friend has gone though some severe trauma this past year. One friend said that one thing he admired was that this friend chose to walk in love and make good choices when so many others when faced with trauma make bad choices. It's really true. I on the other hand, when faced with any trauma, chose to abuse substances. Alcohol, marijuana, zanax. Not good choices. I am getting better. I haven't smoked anything in maybe 3 months. I still drink. I am trying to drink less. I didn't drink at all yesterday. That is good for me.

I'm working on other things too. Working on not being hateful in my thoughts. I am working on being kinder in general. Like, in my heart, not just on the outside. I feel better when I am kinder.

Horrible and selfish

2010-06-04T14:00:00.003-04:00

That is all I can say about myself the last few months. I would say maybe since right about November. yes. November seems about right. It was like a demon crawled into my body aontrolled my mind and thoughts and made me really really VERY self centered when family and friends were going through the hardest time in their life. I started off unselfishly. My thoughts and deeds were pure in intention.I tried to be loving and honest and kind and then it was like Gollum with the ring in Lord of the rings. He wanted to be kind to Frodo but this demon just kept taking over and making him act really selfishly. I started to shut myself off from people who needed me to be open. I started surrounded myself with unkind people. I made choices that were self destructive and painful to those that love me most. Those I loved tried to tell me I wasn't seeing things clearly. They said that I was only seeing things from my view. I knew it and I told them I knew it but I held on to that selfishness with such tenacity that when someone tried to take it away I would lash out at them.

The other day I had a conversation with a sister of mine. This sister just sort of reiterated what the other sister has been saying since November. They love me. They always have. They always will. But I need to look past my pain and see things from the other side.

I decided that that was true. Then all of a sudden it was like the demon left my body. I kind of just started crying. Crying for my friend who was crushed. Crying because I wasn't supportive enough. Crying because I was the kind of person that I don't want to be. Crying because I know I can do better. Be better. I am better. Better than that behavior and those thoughts and actions.

So, I just want to apologize and say I was wrong. SO totally wrong and I will hopefully never be that selfish and blinded by my own feelings of hurt again.

Happy and hopeful

2010-05-22T13:13:00.002-04:00

I am feeling pretty good lately. We had a wonderful time in Cincinnati. It was so weird, it was 9 hours a way but it felt like home to me. I felt like it was so peaceful and clean and I just felt really happy. We were staying with friends in the suburbs in the Maineville area. Mike has been friends with Paul for years. They both were raised in Delaware and ended up in Cincinnati. Mike was in Paul and Sonya's wedding and his kids call him Uncle Mike. I am Aunt Merry to them. It seems funny cause not even Lyric and Ollie call me Aunt. I met them before Mike and I got married but I then when through my social anxiety phase and didn't see them again until this trip Sonya and I are kindred spirits. It is crazy how much we have in common and how we really reconnect. Paul is awesome and really is so gifted with photography and design. Anyway, we all really get along.

I was planning on writing more but of of a sudden I don't feel like it anymore. Sorry.

Failing

2010-04-21T12:07:00.002-04:00

I feel like I am failing at somethings. First, my health. I am sick and I have been in a lot of pain with my fibro. I feel like I am making bad choices and not taking care of myself. I was doing really well with not eating sugar and now it is like I can't stop eating it. I haven't been swimming in awhile and I have been drinking a lot of vodka lately.

I feel like I am failing with Dexter a bit. He is being crazy lately and I keep telling myself that he is only 3 1/2 months and he will not turn out to be a bad unruly dog. Today, looking at the scratches on my hands I'm not so sure.

I'm failing at being a Christian. I feel like I am not even sure what I believe anymore and I don't want to go to hell. I want to believe in the things I used to but they seem so unbelievable and not in a good way.

I'm failing at being a good wife. the house is always messy and I can't work more than 2 weeks out of the month without feeling bad physically and emotionally.

I'm failing at being a friend. Or at least it seems that way. I feel like no one wants to be with me, confide in me or invite me places anymore.

So that's how I am feeling today.

March 29,2010

2010-03-29T15:07:00.002-04:00

I feel like I need to just write cause my mind is feeling jumbled up and I hate that.

I would say that peace is one of the things I value most in life. Peace and quiet. In my mind, please and also in my neighborhood. I don't get to really say what goes on in my surroundings too often but I should have a say what goes on in my mind. I would like to have peace. For the most part I have peace. Then something happens and I start to get anxious as which point I could let it snowball into a full blown panic attack or nip it in the bud. I've been nipping things pretty well lately. Just thought I'd let you know.

I would really like to move out of the city to a place that is clean, safe and quiet. A place that has a yard with grass.

Fiona is sitting on my shoulder and purring. I really love this girl.

Right now

2010-03-23T13:02:00.003-04:00

I used to be able to come up with better titles. Heck, I used to be able to come up with better posts. Not so just now. I feel like I just need to get out what I want to say and don't feel like taking the time and effort I need to make it sound interesting and/or poetic. I don't think I was ever poetic exactly, just maybe a little more interested in making my posts well...fun to read. I feel like my creative side has been squashed for awhile. I guess because I have other things to take up my time these days. That makes me sad. Anyway, here is what is happening with me.

Dexter. That is what is happening. He is an adorable puppy that I love. He will be 10 weeks on Saturday and for the most part is training well. He gets sit. He mainly goes potty outside. He is much better at not biting us and responding to the word NO. He is not very good at not barking at the cats and biting their butts. He sleeps through the night. Did I mention he bites the cat's butts? Oh yeah, I did. He bites the cats butts. Sorry, it is kind of funny to me.

Birthday. Thursday.33. Not having a party this year. I kind of wish I was but I am too tired to plan one.

That's all for now.

March

2010-03-01T12:19:00.002-05:00

March has usually meant good things for me. First of all, my birthday which is March 25th. Every year I would have a party of some sort and it was always magical. A whole day just for me. I got what I wanted to eat all day, received awesome presents and never had to go to school. I was truly in charge for the day. When I was a little older I started the circle of love. That was when everyone sat around and said what they like about me. We have been doing this for years and years and I never heard about any other family doing this until recently. I personally feel that you should always tell people what you like about them but especially on the person's birthday. This year I will be 33. I say that I can't believe it every year but this year I really cannot. 33. Holy smokies. Anyway, birthdays are fun for me so I am glad that it is coming up.

Secondly, spring. I think we are all ready for a good dose of warm weather and pretty flowers. I did pray for a snowy winter but...sheesh. I am also praying for a beautiful spring that lasts a good three months. None of this straight from winter to summer crapola. I want warm weather, please.

Thirdly, puppy will be here on Saturday. I am excited though, obviously, a little nervous about my past failures. I know this time will work out because well...it has to. I am making it work out. No more of this quitting stuff.

In other news, I officially switched to the Philadelphia campus of my school. I now teach the evening class there and it is really working out for me. It is only about 15 minutes to get there though it would be less if there were not so many lights on the Blvd. It takes me about an hour if I am going 60 to the Wilmington branch which I have been doing for a year and a half. I am amazed at how my gas needle moves so much slower these days. I am really not a morning person at all and therefore this works out so well for me.

Ok, so that is my update. Sick of writing right now. sorry for typos...I don't feel like reading this to check for them.

more puppy pics of Dexter the baby Cockapoo.

2010-02-10T13:56:00.001-05:00

He is just 4 weeks.

His little blue collar says my name on it.

Pup

2010-02-09T10:52:00.004-05:00

So, this is the final puppy. He will be mine until death do we part. I will not be giving him away. So, I had to make sure I picked a cutie. Right now he is only a month old so I have until March 6 before I can pick him up. He is a Cockapoo and I am getting him from the same place Josh and Kristen got their pup. I am very excited and a little nervous but it will be ok.

Been awhile

2010-02-08T15:12:00.002-05:00

Sorry it has been so long since I posted last but I kind of forgot I had a blog.

Here is what is going on with me right now. I have off until the 18th of Feb and then I work a lot.

I am getting a puppy on March 6th. Now you are probably thinking,"Is she nuts". No, I am not. I am working full force with Kim Champion and have no doubts that I can do this. We are addressing my anxiety but identifying the triggers and exposing them for the bigger issues they are. Mike is on board too and that is a huge difference. I do wish you all to pray because I attempting to overcome this huge hurdle in my life. This irrational fear, or phobia, has got to go. I won't be letting the fear dictate how I live my life anymore.

Also, I am doing well with my weight loss. Overall, I have lost 26lbs altogether so far and 10 since starting weight watchers again after Christmas. I am setting small goals for myself and have 8lbs until I reach my first goal.

I am not eating sugar or dairy and this is helping me a great deal.

So, there is my small update.

Hope

2010-01-08T15:33:00.002-05:00

I have decided to start Weight Watchers online again because if I stick to it it works. I do have some trepidation because I have started with such hope before and then fizzled out when the going got tough. I am really needing to lose weight in a major sort of way. I am trying to take steps to see if I can have weight lose surgery covered by my insurance. I have major issues. Physically and emotionally. I really believe I will die early and/or end up crippled for good if I don't get the weight off soon.

So here are my goals...

Continue counseling with Kim Champion. I had issues that I thought were delt with but they are not.

Keep track of my food intake daily

Swim for at least 30 minutes at least 3x a week. Preferable 45 minutes 4 times a week.

I could use some support. I really could.

Today

2010-01-07T09:56:00.002-05:00

It has been a really long time since I blogged so I thought I would do it today. Funny how I used to be so keen on blogging daily and now the thought of trying to organize my thoughts and to make them interesting seems completely overwhelming. I hate to not blog for a while and then pop up with complaints but I also hate to be dishonest about where I am. Well, here it is. Things are just really frustrating. From huge things to little things, I feel like nothing is going right. I had such high hopes for the new year and things have seemed to go backwards before I even got started on my good new year. Here are some of the little things...my computer is old and the keys don't work. So in any given sentence I have words with either too many lettrs or not enough. See, in the past sentence it left out the E in letters. Usually, it leaves out the letter E and doubles the lettr O. SEE!! Anyway, it is truly annoying to have to go back and fix everything.

Secondly, my phone with the QUERTY keyboard won't charge anymore and hasn't for about a month. My new evry two coms up next week but since it broke I have been using my old RAZR. It doesn't work well and there is no qwerty, so texting is a huge pain in the buttocks.

Thirdly, my dress for Elizabeth's wedding didn't fit. IT DIDN'T FIT! I had to get it taken out and am praying that it fits.

Fourthly, it basically didn't fit because I haven't gotten my period in 67 days so my stomach is totally bloated. AND I am an emotional wreck.

Fifthly, I hurt back back in a major sort of way.

Ok, enough complaints right now. I know that there are people going through really tough stuff and these complaints seem minor. But due to the hormonal issue it seems like my life really sucks.

Sorry, hopefully I will write something more cheerful tomorrow.

Christmas time is here

2009-12-14T16:25:00.004-05:00

Yay. You know, it has been a tough year. Usually around this time I take stock of the year and the things that have made the year unique and frankly, I can't remember much. I do know that I am excited for this year to be over. I am excited to wipe the slate clean and start anew.

Christmas has always been so special to me. I mean, I would get so excited and even now have dreams that start in April about missing Christmas. I really want to enjoy the holiday season and I will share with you a few things that I am doing in order to REALLY enjoy christmas. Here is the list. Drum roll please.

1. I look at my Christmas tree a lot. Sounds dumb but I park myself in front of it and work on the computer or read or whatever. I make sure I look at every part and really let the colors soak into my eyeballs. We get our tree around the first of December so I have a good month or so to look at it. Now, I am a fan of colored (not African American) lights because they seem more festive and are nostalgic. We always had colored lights on our tree when I was little. My dad used to do the blinking light thing but we haven't tried that yet.

2. I listen to christmas music. From old classics to new favorites I inundate my ears until I can barely stand it. This way when Christmas is over I am really really ready for non Christmas music. There are four old favorites that we use to listen to every year 1. Perry Como 2. Gladys Knight and the Pips 3. The New kids on the Block 4. Amy Grant(Tennesee Christmas). Certain songs take me back to specific memories so I shut my eyes and feel like I am right there.

3. I watch Christmas movies. Favorites are 1. A Muppet Christmas Carol 2. It's a Wonderful Life 3. Elf 4. A Christmas Story. Those are my top four.

4. Decorate gingerbread house with my family. We do this every year and it always makes me so happy. It is just fun. We sit around the table eating candy, laughing and trying to make the intense "royal" frosting work on the houses.About half way through we stop making them look pretty and try to just shove as much candy on it as possible.

5. I buy stuff on line but go to stores to look at the christmas displays. This way it is the best of both worlds. You don't have to deal with cranky people or lines of fussy shoppers. Yoou don't have to fight for parking. I shop in front of my christmas tree. See how that works. Then when I feel like it and not in a time crunch I will go to the mall usually when many people aren't there and just stroll around.

So, there you have it. I want to write more but I am tired.

2009-11-24T14:50:00.002-05:00

Today I can't pull myself out of the sadness. It makes it all the worse because so many others are experiencing more pain than I. That is the thing about chemical depression it can't really be explained other than something is wrong in my brain. I do the right things or at least I do as much as I can. I am taking my medicine. I am exercising albeit not as much as I should. I try to remember my blessings and not focus on bad stuff. It is just this sad fog in my brain. It's a chore to get out of bed. It takes a lot of energy to get showered and dressed. My body is in pain. I feel so guilty. Why can't I just be happy?

2009-11-23T12:59:00.002-05:00

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. (Prov 3.5-6).

Something I have read and heard a thousand times at least. The six pence none the richer song often plays in my head at times of turmoil. It is such a simple thing to ask someone to do. Trust me. You don't understand what is going on, so just trust ME because I do. Why can't I do that? I mean, He has never steered me wrong. I have never trusted God and then been let down. Why can't I just realize that I don't know what is going on? I need help. I mess things up...a lot. Recently, I have been making one mistake after another. I think I am making a good decision but then it blows up in my face. I think that I am doing well and then something or someone reminds me that, "you know what? you kind of suck." I do kind of suck at a lot of stuff. I have had a lot on my mind lately and when my brain is filled up with questions and tossing waves of obsessive thoughts I have a hard time doing things that I am supposed to do. Clean the house, do the dishes, go food shopping, deposit my paycheck. Even going swimming is a chore though I love to do it. Mike comes home for work and is just kind of sad that I didn't do anything. He isn't a jerk. He is wonderful but it makes him really sad when I don't take care of things he has trusted me to take care of. So, if I make Mike sad and he can't trust me to take care of things why do I trust myself to make things better for myself. Shouldn't I just trust the One who never gets things wrong? Who never let's any of us down? I should and I want to. Even just writing this gives me the hope that I will start to trust Him and have the peace that passes my understanding.

This is just a hard and crappy time for so many people. I hear something new everyday, about someone being ill or someone's child dying or other horribly sad things going on in the world. It is just so hard to have peace but we have to. We have to believe that there is Someone who knows what He is doing and that all things work together for good. I have to believe it. I do believe it.

right now

2009-11-19T10:26:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving is next week and I cannot believe it. In celebration I thought I would relive some Thanksgiving memories from my past.

I remember several Thanksgivings where I would wake up in the morning and my mother would already have the turkey in the oven and the smell would be permeating the house. One year she made this delicious date and nut bread that I slathered with butter. I made a huge glass of Nesquik, which we rarely had, and went to the spare bedroom to watch the Macy's parade. I think we usually had some family or friends over and when we ate I would eat way too much Turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy, stuffing(oyster stuffing is my favorite) cranberry sauce(the kind without whole berries and straight from the can, and pumkin or German chocolate pie for dessert. Then I would take a nap. For dinner we would have leftovers.

The end.

sooooorrrry.

2009-11-14T22:52:00.003-05:00

So, maybe you have seen that I have been over dramatic lately. hyper sensitive, if you will. Well, you see, yes, be prepared to be shocked...I forgot to take my medicine, yet AGAIN. Why don't I just remember to take it and all will be well. When I take it I don't get offended easily, I don't blow up situations when they are really small. I don't want to quit my job or think I am getting fired when someone says something negative at work.Most importantly, I don't freak out and feel like I don't know my husband because he shaves his face or says one tiny thing that throws me off guard. ARGGG! Sorry, to all who have been affected by my non medicated behavior.

frowny face

2009-11-09T18:02:00.002-05:00

You know, something has been on my mind lately and I need to get it out. Fat people have feelings too, damn IT. Seriously, you can't make fun of gay people, and rightfully so, without getting into a load of trouble, I got in trouble at work for calling a situation retarded, and if you say anything about someone who is physically handicapped you are a douche bag. So, why are people still allowed to say stuff about fat people? It is the subject of so many jokes and people think it is perfectly ok to say mean things about overweight people. Well, it hurts. Mike and I have been made fun of at various times of our lives for being overweight and it is really painful. Movies that are portraying an unattractive person always show someone who is really overweight. on Friends when it was "fat monica" she acted metally challenged, like you can't be normal or cool if you are overweight. Friends say to my face that it isn't a big deal and that overweight people can be attractive but they would never find someone who is overweight attractive. It makes me really angry.

Fatty, out.

paddled

2009-11-05T21:44:00.002-05:00

I attended Christian school my whole life. I think that for the most part I had a good experience and am really grateful that my parents made the sacrifice to send us there. Mike's parents sacrificed a lot to send him to Christian school and I know he is grateful as well. Some of the things that I loved about Christian school was the sense that God was real. I mean, everyone I know believed that he was real and that Jesus was our savior and the answer to that age old question of what happens to you when you die. I knew where I was going. I knew that the answers to all my spiritual questions were in the Bible. It was a very secure feeling and for a kid in a unstable family that security was mighty nice.
The music/drama class was great. We put on children's musicals for Christmas and then again in the spring. It was so fun and those shows are some of my favorite memories.

There are of course things I didn't like as well but the main one I can think of is the corporal punishment. Paddling. I was paddled. Twice. Twice for things that were not paddle worthy in my mind. I was spanked by my teacher with a huge wooden paddle while the principal watched. It hurt and it was humiliating. I just got the chills thinking about it.
I believe that no one has the right to strike your child. I cannot believe it was legal.

That feeling of being paddled, that humiliation and pain still is very real and fresh.

Today, I feel like I was paddled. Not physically, but it hurt and humiliated me just the same.

I was going along fine minding my own business thinking everything is fine and then BAM! I got in trouble at work. Apparently some students complained about a few things. Some are true...I have a horrible habit of calling something retarded when I think it is wrong. Some were completely false. I tried to handle it but I just started crying. My boss felt bad. he was just doing his job. But it hurt. I cried all the way home and I cried at home. Mike brought me flowers and he cheered me up in other ways. I still feel like I got paddled. I feel like I always get in trouble. In essence it wasn't even a huge deal. It isn't like I am on probation or in big trouble or anything. I just feel at 32 that I am too old to get in trouble. Please tell me I am not the only one who still gets in trouble.

By the way, Mike just used the word retarded to describe a situation. I think I need to paddle that boy.

Lightbulb

2009-10-30T21:16:00.003-04:00

I don't know how to write this post without A. sounding like I am praising myself and B. maybe sounding like a jerk. So, I will just write and hopefully it sounds ok. The other day Mike commented that maybe I should start trying to get a few massages to supplement my extremely part time job. I immediately contacted some people to get massages and told them I would do it for free. What the heck, Mer? It didn't hit me until later that maybe it was defeating the purpose to not charge for the massages especially since I now live more than an hour away from everyone. So, I started booking people and charging them. I still couldn't bring myself to charge full price. I just cannot charge what I should be charging.

I was thinking and thinking and getting down on myself. I thought,"You are a coward. You are afraid people won't think you are worth it. You don't want people to be mad at you". Then I realized something. Yes, I like getting paid the full amount for a massage because it helps Mike and me out. BUT I also really love being able to use my gift to bless people. I mean, where else could someone get a great massage at their house for 25.00 and a batch of cookies? I love to barter. I love getting paid in creative ways. It is just fun.It makes me feel like an old time doctor getting paid in chickens.

Also, massage always makes people so thankful and grateful. They think you are a hero because you make them feel better. I love being a hero. I love having a special skill that people love. I also love when people tell me that they won't ever go to another massage therapist because I am the best. I love when people think I am the BEST at something. It isn't often that I am the best at something.

Anyway, I realized that I love having a purpose. I love blessing people. I love getting paid too so hopefully I can incorporate the two.

What is my problem

2009-10-28T11:03:00.002-04:00

My body hurts so much. I don't know why or what has changed. It is a horrible feeling.I ache from head to toe.

Also, I have been so cranky lately. People I usually love are bothering me. People that I never see but for some reason I have this crankiness in my heart towards them and I don't know why.

I snapped at a guy at the gym. He was this older black man who was staring at my body when I got in the jacuzzi. I said,"Can't you stop looking at me"? He said, "huh"? and I said," CAN YOU STOP LOOKING AT ME". I then sat in the jacuzzi and tried to act normal but I felt really dumb. When I got out I apologized but he was still staring at my chest. I wanted to tell him to stop looking at me again.

I don't know what my problem is but I hate everything right now.

oh and....

2009-10-13T15:39:00.002-04:00

Ollie and Lyric met us at the airport with THESE!!!!

California

2009-10-10T23:43:00.003-04:00

We are back from our west coast vacation and it was wonderful. Except, well, I came back with a horrible cold which started on our last day there.
The plane ride over was fine. Mike and I both had isle seats across from each other. I feel that if you are flying coach then isle is the only way to go. On the way home I flew first class. My husband, who loves me very much, upgraded me to first class with his "miles" as a special treat. He said he wanted me to be comfortable because he knows how important comfort is to me. What a guy. He said that since he had never flown first class he didn't know what he was missing. I, on the other hand, have flown first class often due to another great guy who always used to upgrade me with his miles...my dad. What can I say, the men in my life know I am a first class kind of girl.

Darby and the kids met us at the airport with big neon welcome signs that the kids had made for us. It was adorable. We then took a small trip to the beach on the way home just to put our tired piggies in the Pacific ocean. Darby made unbelievable delicious French onion soup. Seriously...I loved it.
Friday Darby and I went to the 3rd street Promenade to have lunch and to do a little shopping. I needed to pick up a few things from Lush. Mike and Jason took a hike. We all met at a Thai place for dinner and then picked Lyric up from Cotillion, which she loved.
Saturday we spent the whole day at the beach in Malibu. I would be happy if I could go there every day.
Sunday we went to the Arboretum and saw lots of pretty plants and fed turtles, ducks and fish. We then went to dinner where I tasted the best salad ever.
Monday we want to this place called Leo Carrillo that had sea caves and tide pools. Mike walked around and Darby and I sat on a huge rock and talked while gazing at the ocean.
Tuesday we headed home.

There were many fun things things that I left out but it was a fantastic time. It was so fun to spend so much time with Darb, Jase and the kids.

We love California. We want to move there.

Thank you, God.

2009-09-18T15:29:00.003-04:00

I will be honest as I usually am. Mike is the love of my life. I love him with all of my heart. I never want to be without him. However, he is not the first person I ever loved. When we first started dating I told him I had never been in love before. As soon as the words left my mouth I knew they were a lie. What I meant to say was that I had never had a serious relationship and even the stupid little nothing relationships were few and far between. The reason the relationships were virtually nonexistent was simple. I had been in love before and I had my heart broken. You see, if you know me well you know that I am an extremely passionate person. I feel emotions with my whole being and while that can be amazing it can also be tortuous. I love fiercely. I am extremely loyal and protect my relationships that I care about.

So here is the story. As I have talked about here before I was not treated well by males and I learned to fear men at a very young age. To me, males could not be trusted. Several males in my life had lied to me. Men that I trusted. Men that meant the world to me. Boys touched in bad ways. They said nasty things. Older men leered. They said nasty things too. I mentioned to you the 8th grade Bible teacher of mine who had a crush on me. In the middle of that traumatic experience I met a boy. A nice boy. At first this boy was just an acquaintance but we ended up in a band together and ended up becoming friends. This boy called me a lot. We would talk for hours. He wrote me letters. He made me laugh. He said nice things. He said he thought I was pretty and talented and had the best personality. He wrote beautiful music and played songs that he had written for me to sing. I was young but I found myself deeply in love. I had had crushes before. This was no crush. This was me knowing someone, really seeing him and loving what I saw. He looked out for me. He was a popular guy and he exalted me to the pedestal of the elite "A" list of people in our class.We slow danced at parties and in his arms I felt safe for the first time. I thought he was perfect.

In ninth grade I was crushed when my parents took me out of school. It was the first year I was to experience homecoming. I waited my whole life for homecoming and now I was going to miss it. I was devastated that I wouldn't see him as much. I knew our friendship would suffer. I was terrified of letting him go. I couldn't imagine my life without him. At that point he was the only good thing. Unbelievably, he was the one who kept up our friendship. He continued to call. He still invited me places. I couldn't believe it.

The summer before tenth grade was the best of my life. I was just discovering my love for U2 and one night in my sister's car we sat with the windows down looking at the stars listening to Achtung Baby. As we sat there talking I was intoxicated by both the music and the magic of the moment. I know that sounds stupid but sometimes there is no other way to describe a moment that is just so perfect. Like it had been written in a book or we were actors in a movie. I felt the deepest overwhelming love for him. I knew that I was about to experience my first kiss and it would be perfect. Just as that electric tension between us was about to overwhelm me a knock on the door broke the spell. A kid that had a crush on me asked if he could join us. We looked at each other and I mumbled something as the intruder hopped into the back seat. Perfect moment ruined.

At the end of the summer he called me to tell me that he had gotten us tickets to see U2. When I hung up the phone I cried. I was so overwhelmed with joy. My favorite band with the one I loved. The day of the show I fretted over what to wear. I had found a box with my dad's old 45 records and I listened to Elvis's I Can't help falling in love with you over and over.

The show was amazing. I have seen several U2 shows since and none compare to that show. As an encore the band played Love is Blindness. My favorite. As a second encore they played I can't help Falling in love with you. I cried. I hid my tears but I cried. It was a sign. We were meant to be together.

I ended going back to school that fall. Just two weeks after the show. Things were great for a month. When Homecoming time came around I thought that I would go with him. He asked if I had a date. I told him that someone asked me but I had said no. Of course it was because I was holding out for him but I didn't tell him that. I mustered my courage and said,"we could go together as, you know, friends or something". He cleared his throat and said,"Yeah, that would be fun but I was actually thinking of asking _______." I said,"Oh that's great". I made an excuse to get off of the phone. I put my head into my pillow and sobbed. Something in me broke. I felt hurt and betrayed. I thought he loved me. He did love me. I know he did. When had things changed? In retrospect I realize that he did nothing wrong. He was a good friend. I should have seen that.

At school the next day I saw him walking towards me. He smiled and started to say something and I turned and walked away. I turned around and looked at him and he looked confused. He made several more attempts to talk to me and I avoided him each time. I needed time to heal. however something took over. It was a fear. He had hurt me and I couldn't handle the overwhelming emotion. I loved him so much it hurt and I wanted to be with him but he didn't want me in the same way. That knowledge was too great to bear. At class I would sneak glances at him. I would pretend to look at the clock so I could turn around and catch a glimpse of his face. I wanted to talk to him. I couldn't.

As the school year progressed our friendship slipped away. The very thing I was afraid of was happening and I was doing it. I was driving it away yet there was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried to will myself to talk to him. I couldn't smile at him. I opened my mouth and nothing came out. My friends would tell me that I was hurting him and he didn't know why. It was as if my mouth was glued shut.

He started dating other people. Guys liked me but I wouldn't give them the time of day. My heart belong to another yet I wouldn't let him near it. It was torture. The thing I wanted most I sabotaged so I couldn't have it. It was insane.

At the end of the school year he wrote a nice message about wanting to be friends again in my year book. I felt sheer joy as I wrote him a letter and gave it to Jason Latshaw who was a friend of this guy and dating my sister. Jason said that the guy was really happy to get it. In the letter I explained how much I wanted to be friends. I geared myself up to see him the next day.

Later the next day we were at graduation and he came up to me and shook my hand. He asked me a question and I felt the debilitating fear creep over me like a dark shroud. I screamed at myself in my head." TALKED TO HIM YOU IDIOT! YOU ARE RUINING EVERYTHING!" I acted aloof and I saw that sad and confused look on his face as he turned around and walked away. Jason came up to me and said something similar to what I had screamed to myself. I knew I had blown my last chance at happiness.

Later that summer he called to tell me that he was moving away with his family. He said that he hoped to see me before he left. I said that I would get together with him. Then I found out that my parents were taking me on a trip that would last the whole summer. Damn my luck. While I was away, he moved. I never got to say goodbye. Then I got the tragic news that my friend, who had been instrumental in me and this boy becoming friends and had been a friend since childhood was killed in a car accident. My heart broke in a way that it never had and I experienced a pain that was worse than anything I had ever felt. Now I mourned for another friend that had moved on that I would never see again.

Later that year we exchanged a letter or two. The year after that he came back to visit and I saw him briefly. It wasn't the same. It never was the same. We lost contact after that. That is when the dreams started. He was there and I was trying to reach him and for some reason I just never could.

I never fully let him go. I still had unresolved feelings and it still stung years later when I heard he had gotten married. Still stung when I heard he had kids. I still felt that he was meant to be with me and I had ruined it. The old proverbial "One that got away".

When Mike and I re-met and started dating and fell in love and got married I was happy. The happiest I had ever been. There was still this twinge of sadness every now and then and I continued to have the dreams. How sick is that? 14 years after the last time we spoke and I still had dreams. I went to therapy. Still had the dreams. I talked to Mike about it. Still had the dreams.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to put things to rest. I looked up this guy on facebook and low and behold there he was. I friended him. When he accepted the request I took a deep breath and looked at the pictures on his profile. I stared in disbelief because his looks are much altered. I started to laugh. I laughed extremely hard. I felt mean for laughing but I was laughing because I was holding on to the image of a 16 year old. I read some of his thoughts on things and I laughed harder. We had very little in common. A Weight lifted off of me and I felt as if I had experience 18 years of therapy in five minutes.

I looked up and saw Mike across the room. He looked at me and smiled and sang a little song he wrote about me that he only sings when we are alone. I was struck by how great his love is. How he loves me, all of me, not in spite of who I am but because of it. He is perfect for me in every way. I walked over to the sofa and gave him a kiss and he put his arms around me. I felt safe. The kind of safe that can't be stolen away by fear and the kind of love that wouldn't be taken away by a mistake or by hurt feelings. I realized that although Mike wasn't my first love he is the best love and the last love I will ever need. Thank you, God.

i'm okay.

2009-09-07T20:13:00.002-04:00

This has been a fun weekend. On Friday we went to British Belle tea for wine tasting and dinner. Saturday we went to Brian and Nina's and had lovely dinner followed by hot tub balloon volleyball. It is the only volleyball I am good at and the only one I enjoy playing. Sunday we went to Wyomissing, hometown of Taylor Swift, to spend the afternoon and evening with my parents, Aunt, Uncle, cousin and a bunch of their drunk relatives. We ate some delicious steamers (clams and butter) and some equally delicious low country boil. We were told some stories about Taylor Swift when she was young because my cousin was friends with her when she was around 10. My cousin is a few years older. Today we went to Oktoberfest.

Blah blah blah. here is what I really want to say. I don't know if I want children. I finally admitted to myself that I really wanted to have a baby because I felt like I should and people keep asking me about it. When are you going to have kids? So, are you guys thinking about kids? Have you thought about kids? Do you guys want to have kids? I have been asked in many ways and frankly I feel like saying, "I'm infertile but thanks for asking". The point is not whether or not we want kids but whether or not we can conceive and right now and for the past 4 years the answer has been no. If someone doesn't have kids then they are either not trying to have kids at the moment or they are and it isn't going well. Either way, do you really think someone wants to talk about it? Cause I don't. I really don't. I am okay when a close friend asks but basically my closest friends know whats going on with me and don't have to ask.

I am selfish. I really need a lot of sleep. I love that I am the center of Mike's world. We are trying to save money to move out of the city and buy a nice house. Our child could be a serial killer. We could really mess a kid up. There are a myriad of reasons.

Maybe I do want a child someday. It doesn't even matter because I CAN'T CONCEIVE. DARN IT ALL TO HECK! I am so sick of caring about it. I just have to let it go for now and focus on becoming healthy. I keep losing my focus but I will not be happy with anything unless I lose weight. I know that in my heart.

So that i what I want to say. I am fully aware that my writing has been really bad for awhile now but I don't actually care much about that either. Sorry.

Time marches on

2009-08-30T14:57:00.002-04:00

I cannot believe that August is over. When I was little it seemed like time dragged on forever. I was always waiting for something that seemed like it would never come. A birthday, Christmas, a vacation or spending the night at a friend's house. I was always told by adults that when you get older time flies by. I didn't believe them but man, it really is true. Fall is just around the corner. I personally believe that September is fall and it annoys me that it is still considered summer.

I love the fall as I have said many times. I love the winter too and I hope there is a ton of snow this year. I would say my favorite time of year is the 22nd of October until January 2. Anniversary, Thanksgiving, Mike's birthday, Christmas. Wonderful times.

As you may be able to tell, I am feeling a lot better. I had forgotten to take my meds for a couple of days and that coupled with "that time of the month" merged into the perfect storm of depression. However, all is right with the world now. Our neighbors have been much quieter lately. I still pray daily that they don't come back. I have started cleaning my house which always makes me feel better. I have this week off so I am going to do a deep clean.

Right now I have the windows and doors open so there is fresh air. I like the sound of the traffic outside. I feel peaceful.

2009-08-23T20:17:00.003-04:00

I' been staring for a while. I don't know how long it has been. It may have been minutes, maybe hours. I feel like I should look at the clock. I don't look at the clock because I really don't care what time it is. Everything hurts. It hurts to move, to think, to try to cheer up. It all takes effort that I just don't want to expend.

I ask myself the same questions that I always do. I hate these questions. I feel so fucking pitiful. I feel like I should be past all this by now. Who AM I for fucks sake? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I have what I want? Why do I feel so sorry for myself? Why do I want to do things that are harmful to me and why for the LOVE OF GOD don't I change what I don't like about myself.

I just want to sleep. I just want too be high all of the time. I just want to be high. All. of. the. time. Maybe I was fine this past week. I can't remember. Maybe I'll feel great tomorrow. I hope I will. I see my therapist on Tues. It has been too long. I don't want to have to be in therapy forever. I can't stand myself right now. Maybe it is a really good thing that I can't conceive. Maybe God is sparing a child from one extremely fucked up mother. Sorry.

Turmoil

2009-08-09T18:17:00.003-04:00

I feel like I must ask why is it that I can be so universally affected by things. Let me back up a bit. I love the ocean and I love swimming. I feel instantly better about life as soon as I become weightless in the water.I remember this one time being in the gulf of Mexico in Naples, Fl. The gulf is usually relatively calm and you could wade out pretty deep while still being in waist deep water. One time I was out enjoying the water when all of a sudden I found myself rolling along the sandy floor of the gulf. My body was getting really cut up and I was terrified that I was going to die. It was extremely unpleasant. That wave came out of nowhere and turned me upside down. Now it seems like I can go along totally happy in life and then something comes along like a rogue wave and knocks me down. From that point on for a really long time I feel like I am churning on the bottom of the ocean. The sad thing is that usually the wave is an issue that wouldn't be a huge deal to other people.

For example, Our really bad neighbors. We have never had bad neighbors before and these people are really tough to deal with. We have the fact that there is a group of loud teenagers on our front porch at all hours of the night. We have the perpetual trash heap both on the shared steps and flowing into our yard. We have the swarm of flies that is constantly buzzing around their trashcan because they put dirty diapers in there without a bag which now buzz around our trashcan cause they use that too. We had the incident of a kid climbing on to our roof. A piece of our steps has been broken off and our alarm system sign was stuck upside down into the ground. We have the fact that someone uses our hose without asking. This is indeed extremely annoying behavior but I feel hopeless. I feel anxious. I feel like my world is crumbling. I have panic attacks. I sobbed last night when we got home from Maine cause I just wanted to move there. I feel like these people are ruining my life. I don't want them to have that power but there is literally nothing to be done. We have tried saying something to them and we have tried being nice. I clean up the trash. I say hi to them when I see them.

Ok, I will admit something that is embarrassing to admit. I am embarrassed that I feel this way and embarrassed to admit it but I will. Here it goes...I think I might be prejudiced. I think that after the many bad experiences I have had with a certain race, I kind of feel like I don't like this group of people much. I wish I didn't feel this way. I have always tried to be a non racist person but it just feels like a certain race is the cause of a lot of the problems in my life right now. I know it isn't a race thing in my heart. I know what bothers me are inconsiderate, uneducated, selfish people and that can be any race at all. It is just sad that these people are acting in a stereotypical way. I hate that. I don't want to think that everyone in this race is the same way but it is really hard right now.

There. I admitted it. Feel free to think I am horrible.

Hi.

2009-07-30T14:53:00.003-04:00

I have found recently that I say "hi" to strangers a lot more. I smile a lot more. I hold doors for people. I think this is nice. I have decided that even if people don't say hi or smile back at least I did my part. I have been trying hard lately to be a kind person. I don't think I am an unkind person by nature but it is very hard for me to hide my annoyance at people and situations. I am working on that. You know what else I have found out recently? If I pray for help to have peace or to not be annoyed at someone, God usually helps out. It's nice.

Mike and I are leaving on Saturday to go to Bar Harbor, Maine with my family. I am excited. We hired a pet sitter to come to our house twice while we are gone. I hope it works out and the cats aren't too mad or dead when we get home. I think two times during the week is good right? I mean, they have stayed a couple of nights by themselves a lot of times. I'm sure it will be fine.

I have started eating a low carb diet because of the insulin resistance. I feel pretty good today. I love carbs. It might get really hard.

bleh

2009-07-25T16:27:00.002-04:00

I haven't been feeling well lately. I stopped taking my sugar medication because it went up to 50.00 a month and I was feeling better. Of course I was feeling better, I was on the meds. Yesterday I had a horrible sugar episode. I was sweating profusely, extremely weak and dizzy. Mike forced me to eat a cookie I started feeling better. I couldn't really talk cause my brain wasn't working. It was bad news.

Second issue:
I have been struggling with forgiveness. There is a person who has been in my life for a few years and I have known for awhile that they are not a safe person. I haven't been forced to spend too much time with said individual but recently spent a chunk of time with them. I can't go into details but this situation is odd. This person sees their own reality. They don't see truth at all and they cannot be convinced of anything that they do not want to see. I have been hurt by this person but there is no remedy for the situation. I simply have to forgive to keep my sanity and not put strain on other relationships that I hold dear. It is frustrating.

That is all.

Not much to say

2009-07-23T16:55:00.002-04:00

I thought I would write a new post though I do not have anything that big to say. Just a few small things,

1. I am extremely excited about the upcoming wedding of my dearest friend, Elizabeth SJ Letham. She has asked me to be a Maid/Matron of honor (her sister is the other one)

2. I had a dream last night that Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) was my boyfriend. It was a really good dream. He bit me. I liked it.

3. I am unbelievable exhausted today and I do not know why. Must have been that dream.

imagination

2009-07-08T15:48:00.003-04:00

I am so blessed to have an imagination. I sincerely feel sorry for those who cannot conjure up anything other than reality. Frankly, my imagination has kept me going through the years. It keeps me from getting bored and it helps me to be empathetic in many situations. Sometimes I wonder if I use my imagination in a way that is harmful. I know I have used it as an escape from my life in the past but on the whole I feel that it brings me joy and I don't feel like that is wrong. One of my favorite things to imagine is that I live in a cottage in the woods and there are all sorts of mystical creatures hiding in the yard. I literally imagine that I do not live in the city but the country. Just past the woods that surround our house is a lush meadow with thousands of wildflowers. If you look further you will see the ocean which is crystal clear. That is where the mermaids live. They like to swim with the dolphins and wave at me.

That is what I am imagining right now. It is a nice place to be.

new post

2009-07-05T19:43:00.002-04:00

I feel like I have been so busy lately but it actually feels really good to be so. I have to say that coming off of the intense practice schedule leading up to Godspell left me exhausted yet used to being busy. Oh wait, maybe I should comment about Godspell. Ok, I'll sum it up because I have a lot of feelings about it.

I loved doing Godspell and I hope we get a chance to do it again. We went from kind of sucking to being absolutely fabulous. I got closer to a great bunch of people and really had fun working towards this end goal.
I am really proud of myself for a couple of things. Firstly, I am proud that I committed to doing it and then didn't punk out. Although many a mishap kept me from feeling great I still went to the majority of rehearsals.I made it even though I live about 1 hour and 1/2 away. A huge goal of mine was to stop make commitments and then backing out. Although it was tough, it was totally worth it in so many ways. Secondly, I was really nervous to perform and have actually had confidence issues for a long time. A fear of what other would think of the only"fat" one in the show. I am proud of myself for trying out and then performing. Though Saturday night I was very nervous I pulled off Sunday without so much as a stomach flutter. Ok, maybe one or two flutters before I got on stage but nothing as soon as I started to perform. Thirdly, I am proud of my performance. I think I did really well.

Moving on...

I usually hate 4th of July almost as much as New Year's Eve. Those are the 2 holidays of which I have a myriad of bad memories. 4th of July means hot hot humid heat, bugs biting and buzzing, and lots and lots of boredom. Buuuuuuut...this year was great!! The weather was perfect. PERFECT!! Warm with a nice breeze. We spent the majority of the day at my parents for a picnic. They got a smallish above ground pool which I played in for hours like a child. My mom and Lyric against me and Ollie in a water gun fight. Ollie cleverly got out of the pool and landed several sniper shots to our opponents faces. We tried to make a whirpool by running in circles and chanting,"whirl-pool whirl-pool". It didn't really work. We floated around on rafts and then got out and ate yummy ribs and other tasty food. Although I swim virtually everyday it is so much more fun to be in a private pool acting like I don't have a care in the world. Frankly, yesterday I really didn't have any cares. It is exactly how summer should be. Then Mike and I left and went to an annual party at Sarah and Kevin's, Mike's friends from college. I got to see my lovely friend , Martha.

It was just a great day. I feel so tired right now. I need a rest. Again, I don't feel like checking my work so sorry if there are typos.

pray for me

2009-06-22T22:09:00.003-04:00

I just want to know why I keep being confronted with the same horrible situation. Wait, backing up a bit. When I was younger it was almost like I had a neon arrow over my head that said,"Perverts stop here". I mean bad things over and over again. For some reason I moved on from that and for the past maybe 15 years I have had another neon arrow inviting a new and almost more traumatic predator...the horrible mean, overbearing, aggressive, irrational and lying downright EVIL female that makes my life a living hell. I shall explain.

If you have been reading my blog for awhile you may recall a certain lead teacher at a job of mine that was horribly unfair and mean spirited towards me. I was so happy, heck, I felt completely blissful when I no longer had to see her. Life went along well for awhile and my job has been great. Well, on Friday I had a negative experience with a student. This was not a student of mine and in fact I had never met her before. To make a long story short she was incredible rude to both me and the other students that were present. I calmly spoke to her after everyone else was gone and she got really disrespectful. I am REALLY being nice here and not going into all the details. Anyway, I spoke to my lead teacher, who is a good guy, and he backed me up and said that I was 100% right and that the student was in the wrong.

Today after school the student, the lead teacher and I had a meeting. The student said that she wishes to file a formal complaint about me and then proceeded to say all these false things about me. I mean, it was horrible. She wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise to defend myself and when I finally tried to explain some things she said I was lying. I finally got up and said that I wasn't listening to anymore. I then proceeded to go into the office and cry my eyes out. The lead teacher was very supportive and told me that he was sorry that if he had known she was going to be like that he never would have told me to stay for the meeting. Again, he said that I did nothing wrong and that I have nothing to worry about. Still, it hurt and I felt so mad that I had to deal with that again.

Please pray for me. Not only was this a bad situation but I need to be healed from whatever it is that is attracting these people into my life.

Things I want to say

2009-06-11T21:55:00.005-04:00

I have been doing really well with my swimming, I must say. Actually, it is hard for me to say that but I have always felt like after I give myself credit for something I usually mess up big time. However, the book I am reading(well, was reading and have taken a few days off) told me to give credit to myself when I make good choices. I have been doing water aerobics at least 4 days a week. It makes me feel better. I am at the stage where I look a little thinner and my clothes fit better but the scale is only down 2lbs. I am sure it will start to go down soon. I just feel so much healthier and for a girl who has been not well for a long time that is big news.

Tomorrow Mike and I are joining my parents and my grandmother(so sad to not be able to say grandparents)in Ocean city, MD for the next couple of days. http://www.ocmdhotels.com/ocsuites/ at the lovely Holiday inn . It has been an annual trip since 1995. Sadly, Cali fam and Linds and Col will not be joining us. It is so crazy how we added to those who joined us down there. In 1995 I graduated from high school so as a present my parents rented a room for Linds, my two friends and me. The next year Jason and darby were married and were down. Eventually we added Collin to the mix then a little girl named Lyric then a little boy named Ollie then a hot guy named Mike. Mike actually joined us before we were married. We shared a room which is so bizarre because the room was attached to my parents and they were usually really strict about us spending the night with our boyfriends.As in, we weren't allowed.I was 28 and Mike was 31 so I guess they thought if anything happened it wouldn't be that huge of a deal. We didn't share a bed. Just to make things clear. Why am I telling you all of this. I am tired.

Anyway, that is all I feel like talking about now. I feel like it was dumb. Sorry.

Questions for Philadelphians and thosee who pass this way

2009-06-08T13:05:00.000-04:00

I feel grumpyish and am glad that I have therapy today. why do I get so mad at people that I don't even know? I get so angry at bad drivers and rude people. Selfish, rude, low class people. do I think I am better? Yeah, I guess I do . Only because I at least TRY to be nice. If someone let's me in, I wave. If I cut someone off I wave an apology. Waving is so easy. It means so much to mean, especially if I have gone out of my way to do something nice.

Here are a few questions I have for the people of Northeast Philadelphia.

Are you unaware of what trash cans are for? Do you have a back condition which hinders you from bending over and picking up your trash so that I don't have to pick up your trash in my yard?

Do you need a hearing aid? Is that why you must blare your music from your car at all hours of the morning and night?

Or is it that your friends are hard of hearing? Is that why you must shout into your cell phone when you are walking down the street "conversatin'"(and do you not know that conversating is not a word)?

Are all you children orphans? Is that why you are able to stand on the street corners to the wee hours of the morning laughing and shouting? Is it because your parents are dead? That is so sad.

Are you really handicapped and are SO handicapped that you are unable to get a sticker that says you are handicapped and it is that you are MENTALLY handicapped because you obviously are not physically handicapped and that is why you park in the handicapped spot?

You must have such a sad life. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Oh, besides work and pay taxes which I am so glad is making it possible for you to get food stamps and daycare paid for and a check once a month so that you can pay for the essentials like getting your foot long nails done. and your new Louis Vuitton bag. Oh, and your Lincoln navigator. Cause after all, we are in hard economic times and it is obviously especially hard on you.

Ugh. Why am I such a bitch?

June 6, 2009

2009-06-05T18:21:00.002-04:00

I have been swimming a lot lately which I am proud of. It has gotten to where I would rather make the effort to swim and feel good than sit at home and feel bad. I have started doing water aerobics too. It isn't as easy as it looks. I am however, apparently, the only one under 50 that takes it and therefor look as if I am in great shape. I'm jumping and kicking and punching and jogging and have energy left to spare at the end. It feels great! I feel much more toned and seem to be slimming down a little bit. The only downside is that my body still aches. Today, I guess because of the cold and rainy weather, my legs hurt really badly. Also, if I sleep with my legs out of the covers they feel stiff the whole next day. Which is the case today as well.

Kim Champion, AKA, the best therapist in the world, recommended that I read,"The Beck Weight Loss Solution". It is all about cognitive therapy and applying it to the negative thoughts that sabotage one who struggles with losing weight. It is great so far. I can really relate to a lot of the negative thoughts that I, ridiculously enough, thought were unique to me. If feels so great to know that a lot of other people experience the same negative thought patterns.

Anyway, I have to go to a class and the jacuzzi is calling my achy legs home.

Sorry for typos. I don't feel like checking my work today.

Yesterday

2009-05-27T18:06:00.006-04:00

So, in case you were wondering and I am sure you all were, the disclaimer that you have to read before you get to my site is just a precaution because anyone can click on my name and get to my blog. Sometimes I say curse words or sometime I might want to say something that isn't child appropriate. So that is that.

I had a good day. I started therapy again with my favorite therapist at PCPC, Kim Champion. She is a great match for me therapist/patient wise. She isn't pushy but is also not too passive. I am really good at working things out as long as I have someone that I can talk to that doesn't interrupt me and helps me to see truth. My family interrupts a lot. I interrupt too but not as often as someone I love very much named my mother. It feel wonderful to be the center of focus and to know that I am getting healthier. It feels wondeful to be able to talk and talk and know that it is getting me somewhere.YAY! I love therapy. The first time I was in therapy for over a year. We will see how long it will be this time.

Also, keeping with trying to get healthier( I don't like to say,"trying to get healthy" because I am not an unhealthy person. I have a few glitches that need to be worked out). I joined and aquatic center and took a deep water walking class. It is great because it is hard but you don't feel how hard it is until you are out of the water and trying to walk on land.

I have a fertility appointment tomorrow and hopefully I get on a good track. I am really beginning to believe that as soon as I take care of some issues in therapy and start getting my body in shape I will get pregnant.

Prayer would be highly appreciated.

Feeling better

2009-05-25T14:44:00.004-04:00

So, I realize that most of the times that I feel depressed and hopeless it is really brought on my either my emotions or hormones being completely out of control. Can you blame a girl who hadn't gotten her period in nearly three months? I think not. I am feeling much better now but still have an appointment on Friday to see if they can help with regulating the periods.

Also, I am going back to my therapist starting Wednesday. I feel like I need help with certain issues and that help needs to be professional.

I seem to either have a fear of failure or a fear of success in areas. Losing weight. Having a baby. Having a dog. With the last two it is also a fear of responsibility or a fear of my life changing to the point of being uncomfortable. I like comfort. I feel like I spend my whole life striving for comfort. It is bizarre to me. I hate not being able to sleep when I want or eat when and what I want. Maybe it is a control thing. Maybe it is a rebellion thing. I don't know and this is why I need help. My therapist really helped me with getting over my fear of men and that was a doozie. After I went through therapy for that issue I ended up being open enough to date and marry my love, Michael. It was perfect timing. Of course, having a baby is also a physical struggle. Things aren't working well. But that is kind of how it was with dating. There didn't seem to be any men around that I had a connection with. I am hoping that when I get my issues worked out I will then be able to conceive.

Anyway, things are looking much brighter and more hopeful. Just thought I would share.

torture

2009-05-18T16:12:00.002-04:00

In this exact moment I feel like I hate life. I feel so frustrated and sad and I feel like a huge ball of furious tears is going to tear through my chest in about a second.

I need HELP and I can't get it. I called my previous therapist to see if I could meet with her and she never called back.

I need to go to the doctor and I called aetna to get the name of a gyno and a referral for an ultrasound and their fucking system is down.

I feel so horrible. So so horrible inside.

my dream

2009-05-18T08:47:00.002-04:00

Last night I dreamed that I kept taking pregnancy tests and they came out positive. I even took one that showed a range of how far along you are and it said 6-9 weeks. I told my mom and she told Darby before I got a chance to and I was really angry at her. This is a frustrating dream because I haven't had my period in 73 days. Just thought I would share.

My flowers

2009-05-14T11:55:00.004-04:00

Here is a picture of some of my flowers.Nice, HUH?

Seriously, I don't mind where I live anymore. I really think my house is so cute even though it is tiny. However, if it were bigger I am sure I would have even MORE trouble keeping it clean. I would really appreciate some more closets and shelves. We have no closet space. One closet in our bedroom and this little nothingburger (as mom would say) closet in the spare room.

Anyway, the area outside is still not completely lovely but I have made it much better looking with flowers. I find flowers so wonderful. It can make even the crappiest of places look cute. I know these people that I love dearly. Their house needs a lot of work due to lack of money and illness which has caused this one person that I love to not do quite as much as he would like to do. Now his wife, who is a precious precious person has done an amazing job of making her gardens looks wonderful. When I look at the house all I see are well placed brights and beautiful flowers. As a matter of fact...When I was first introduced to these people I told their son that I thought the house was cute. He laughed and said,"You are really nice". I was confused.He explained that the house needed a ton of cosmetic work. Strange thing is that I had no recollection of said work to be done.The next time that I was looking for the crappiness I found it. It blew my mind that I hadn't seen it in the first place. All because of the distracting flowers.

Right now I am looking out my screen door at a hanging basket that my parents bought me. I brought some of my roses inside and put them in a vase. I hear birds chirping(the nest that mike wants to move so he can sleep past 5:00am.) I am sitting on my loveseat listening to the 80's music station on Comcast. Figgy pudding is meowing because he wants to go outside.I am getting my hair done tonight.

All is right with the world.

weird symptoms

2009-05-11T16:13:00.002-04:00

Something is wrong with me again. I haven't had my period in 2 months, I have had a pain in my right ovary area. I am extremely light headed and tired. I am not pregnant or at least that is what the pregnancy tests say. I go to the doctor tomorrow and hopefully get some help. I think it would be awesome if I really was pregnant but I know that I am not. grr.

Mother

2009-05-09T11:23:00.003-04:00

Some things I love about my mother

1. She is the epitome of a "sunny" personality.
2. She is encouraging
3. She is adventurous
4. She is great at decorating and making things look nice
5. She was always nice to my friends growing up
6. She throws a fun party
7. She is spontaneous
8. She is generous
9. She has grown a lot and is willing to admit her mistakes
10. She loves me unconditionally

Bad dreams

2009-05-07T08:50:00.000-04:00

When I was younger I used to take this stuff to help me sleep and it worked really well. I recently started taking it again in order to sleep better and I have found that I have been having horrible dreams. Nightmares, I would say.

I have had a dreamed that Mike slept with someone else.

I dreamed that I was in Naples, Florida where my grandparents used to live but a lot of the gulf of mexico had dried up.It was creepy and horrible looking.

I dreamed that I was kidnapped by the father of a friend from childhood because he was obsessed with me.

The strange thing about the Florida one was that I used to have this nightmare again and again that I was standing on the balcony and the water was really rough and had huge waves. The water just kept rising until it was right up to the bottom of the balcony which meant that everything under the 7th floor of the building was covered in the water.The balcony was crumbling underneath me and I could see huge whales swimming really close to me. It was terrifying.

I also have this dream that I am in my parents neighborhood but mansions have been built up all around it. The a war breaks out and it turns out to be the 3rd world war.

I think I will stop taking the Melatonin.

Fussy

2009-05-02T10:27:00.002-04:00

Mike has always called me fussy. He has also made up nicknames that are variations of the word fuss. The most commonly used one is Fussa. Today I am completely fussy. My body aches and everything is annoying me. I feel discontent and am going through my wanting a dog phase.What is my problem? Anyway, I am not allowed to have a dog. I just want to know what this sickness is that keeps thinking,"this time I can do it". Like I said, I can't have a dog so the point is moot but it still bothers me.

I am fussy cause I don't want to feel like I am always discontent. I want to choose to be happy but right now it is hard. I want to eat but I want to be thin. I want to stay home all the time but I also get bored and want to work. We also need the money. I want a baby but I cannot have one. I love my garden but I am impatient for the flowers to bloom. I love who Mike is but I want him to be perfect. I love being in Godspell but I am also annoyed by it.

I hate this post but I am gong to puplish it anyway.

Random thoughts

2009-04-26T09:14:00.003-04:00

I didn't sleep well last night because I could get to a comfortable temperature and now I have a headache that feels like a hangover headache. Yucky.

Yesterday morning I laid down on my front porch and read. I was at eye level with my flowers and if I didn't lift my head and ignored the traffic sounds it was almost like being in the country. Almost.

I decided yesterday that today would be the day I stopped eating sugar. It was going really well until I woke up. I forgot and put sugar in my coffee. So, maybe I will just say today is the day I start cutting back my sugar intake.

Some of you may have seen my cats do their trick but for those of you who have not experienced the wonder of the Amazing Figs and Fiona Show in which they both, that's right BOTH defy nature and gravity by (drum roll please).......SITTING FOR A TREAT...where was I going with this, ah yes, they have both officially stopped learning. The Figs plants his butt before I get a chance to say sit and won't budge. Fiona jumps up and then sits when I tell her. When I try to teach her something else she will just sit as if to say,"There. Now give me the damn treat". Oh well.

Over it.

2009-04-14T09:36:00.002-04:00

Ok, I am better now. I know that I am beautiful.

2009-04-13T16:51:00.003-04:00

She looks so happy in pictures. the little girl with the messy brown hair. Her mom tried to make it look pretty but it can't be tamed. In fact, people have been trying to tame certain aspects of her personality and her looks for years to no avail. She is incorrigible.

She has a twinkle in her eye like she's playing a game. A strange little smile. She knows something she isn't telling you. She finds something funny but she isn't letting you in on the joke. She is mischievous.

They say she is a trouble maker. She has no self control. She talks all the time and won't do her work. She is a disruption to the class. She is messy.She is disorganized. She doesn't turn her homework in. Her handwriting is sloppy. She is a smart child but she doesn't do what she is supposed to. She is bad.

Her parents are always yelling at her. She tries to do what is right but it isn't easy. She wants to make them proud of her. She wants to be good.Her sisters are good. She is disappointing.

She lies a lot. She lies to get attention. She lies to get out of trouble. She lies to make herself feel better. She is a liar.

She gets older and develops physically before all the other girls.Boys do bad things to her. They say things and touch her in ways that make her feel sick. She hates it but she likes the attention.She makes jokes so she doesn't cry. She makes them laugh too so they don't laugh at her.

People call her ugly. She doesn't understand why. They say she is fat. She doesn't know why her body is different from every one else's. She doesn't look like her sisters. They are skinny. People tell her that she should look like them. They say that her sisters are beautiful. They are beautiful.

They say that she is not beautiful. They say that she is not beautiful. They say that she is not. She is not beautiful.

Really?

2009-04-12T17:24:00.003-04:00

So when I was younger I was constantly being compared to Darby. She was this legendary girl who was so beautiful and popular that people all around Delaware knew who she was. Every state we went to and every new situation it was always the same thing, Darby was this amazing creature that guys would just fall for. So when I was getting ready to go to Wilmington Christian mid 7th grade my best friend Missy told me that boys were already interested in me before I even got there based solely on the fact that I was Darby's sister.

Sadly, I disappointed a lot of people. Seriously, I did. I would be introduced and then someone would inevitable ask me what my last name was. As soon as I said Di Natale, I saw their eyes bug out. "You are Darby's sister???!!!" They would gawked incredulously. "She's beautiful. You don't look ANYTHING like her".

You think I am exaggerating but I am not. Once some guy even said,"You're sisters? But she is pretty and you are ugly". This cut me so deeply. After Darby graduated I thought I might get some relief until Lindsay started WCS and everyone called her "little Darby"."Oh my gosh, you look SO much like Darby". Grrreat.

So, I have never gotten over that pain but I guess I kind of buried it. It has always come up at odd times. I don't feel beautiful and I never really have. I don't believe Mike finds me beautiful.

Anyway, today Mike and I went to EP with Mike's parents for Easter. It is the church Mike grew up in and there was a guy that went to High school with us. Mike introduced me as his wife, Merry. I remembered this guy because he used to "go out" with my sisters best friend. I car- pulled with her and therefore saw this kid a lot. He had no idea who I was and I didn't bring up the whole scenario from high school. Mike said I went to Wilmington Christian and I made the HORRIBLE mistake, naively thinking that it was safe to say, you might have know my sister, Darby. This guy proceeds to smirk and make this weird face and say," Wow, you look REALLY different from Darby". He literally made a face like, "Who hit you with the ugly stick". I felt like I was going to cry. I am 32 years old and I felt like that ugly little girl standing next to her beautiful sister again. I talked to Mike about it and he confirmed the fact that it was really sad because that guy really did say it the way I interpreted it and he did make a weird face.

Anyway, I just thought I would share that 2 years of counseling have now been flushed down the toilet, I will probably develop bulimia again, and plunge into self hatred all because of this walking anus's mean comment and facial expression.I feel so completely fat and ugly. I just want to never leave the house again. Happy fucking Easter to me.

My sensitive palate

2009-04-10T20:47:00.003-04:00

You know, I am a really picky eater. You might not think so to see me because well, I am overweight and it looks like I love food. I do love some food but on the whole I find, even more so now than when I was younger, that there isn't too much that I find delicious. There aren't too many foods that I think are a taste sensation(one of my favorite things to declare something). More often than not these days I find myself saying,"This is NOT a taste sensation".

For instance, I used to love Chinese food. Or at least I thought I did. Tonight I realized that I like aspects of Chinese food. I like crispy noodles. I like egg rolls. I like duck sauce. I like a few bites of general Tso's or Sesame chicken but then I get sick of it. I tasted the Wanton soup that Mike said was tasty. I wrinkled my nose mid bite and said,"Not tasty". I ate some of my pan fried noodles with chicken. It was tolerable but I primarily enjoyed the soy sauce I put on top of it. I didn't eat much and Mike can have my left overs.

We get pizza one a week usually. That is because I am married to a bonafide pizza LOVER. I was going to say pizzaholic but I HATE when people add -aholic to stuff. It makes no sense. It would be pizzaic or chocolateic or shopic. Anyway, Mike can eat pizza everyday. That is not an exaggeration. When we were dating I believe he ate some form of pizza everyday. He thinks it is delicious. Sometimes I think pizza is delicious but it has to be perfect. I like pizza, don't get me wrong, but it takes a lot for me to really love a piece of pizza. I think odd things are delicious. I think they are odd. Saltine crackers with butter. I place the butter on the salted side and place that side on my tongue. I let the butter melt a little and then smell the cracker. Smelling the wet saltine makes it more delicious. I think that is DELICIOUS. I could eat that everyday. Cinnamon Toast crunch in ice cold milk. DELICIOUS. Actually, I like a lot of cereal in milk.

Anyway, that was on my mind.

Things on my mind

2009-03-30T19:05:00.002-04:00

1. Sickness: I just went in to the computer room last night to specifically point out to Mike that neither he nor I got sick with a cold or flu this winter. I thought that that was amazing because it is the first time in a while that that has happened. However, now I seem to be getting a cold. I wonder why that is. Is it because I was prideful? Maybe it was a psychic thought. I knew I was getting a cold subconsciously and spoke about it. It is weird. It is unhappy that I am getting sick. I have a sore throat.I HATE sore throats. I used to get them all of the time when I was younger. I had strep a lot. I had horrible Tonsillitis. OK, have you ever had white lumps in your tonsils? It looks like white chunks of stuff. Well, if you have had them( if not you are probably totally grossed out right now) they are tonsil stones. Like, kidney or gall stones. They form in the cavities that disease has caused in your tonsils. Well, I used to pop those suckers out by placing a Q tip on my tonsil and gently pressing. 5 or six would come out and they were stinky. I apparently grew up in a time when the medical community was putting the kibosh on tonsillectomies. After years of agony, at age 26, i finally got my tonsils out. When I came to after the surgery the Doctor pronounced my tonsils the worse he had ever seen. He said they were so full of cavities from disease that there was hardly anything to take out. All of this to say that I never get sore throats anymore unless I am getting a cold. DRAT!

2. My clean house. We had some friends over the other night and we did our usual big clean. I have to admit that the place was messier than usual. It took a couple of hours but it looks great. It smells clean too. I like that. It makes me feel like a responsible adult. I mean, I look around my living/dining/TV room and I love my house. Sure it is small but there are only two of us. Which leads me to my next point.

3. Well, I did get one of the two wishes for last year. I did get said house I love but not Baby Mirris. I mean, Morris. I didn't get Baby Mirris or Morris. I didn't get any baby. Strangely I feel like we didn't try very hard. I think it is cause we...didn't try very hard. We started with a bang by going to the Fert. Doc and I had that surgery but the doctor said that I should come back after I have lost some weight. That was discouraging but I know she is right. I know I need to get healthier before I try to have a baby. I personally feel that we will have a child. I have had two family members on different occasions say that well, Darby said that she had a dream that Mike and I were pushing a stroller on the boardwalk and inside was an adorable child with big eyes and light brown curly hair. Sounds like our style. She has really prophetic dreams. My mother said that she had this feeling that we were going to have a curly haired child. I feel like it is going to happen. All in good time.

4. My E button. It sticks on this computer and quite often I type a long paragraph only to realize that most of my words are missing the {e}s. So, if you ever notice that my words are missing the letter e you know why. That is all I feel like typing. I just took NyQuil and am feeling wonderfully drowsy.

2009-03-18T14:27:00.003-04:00

Apple blossoms are so beautiful. They are one of my favorite flowers even though they are on a tree. When I was younger and living in New Castle, DE we had an apple tree, a peach tree, and a maple tree in our back yard. The apple tree blossoms had this amazing smell and the little pink and white petals were so delicate and fairytale-ish. Of course, the tree would then bear apples that would fall to the ground and rot. We would slip on the rotten apples and they would squish through our bare feet. Also, they would attract a ton of bees so I got stung a lot but the blossoms were beautiful.

hmm?

2009-03-13T11:39:00.003-04:00

I read on Phillyblog, A place I like to frequent for info about my area, that New Jersey is trying to get marijuana legalized for medical use. What do you think? I seriously want to know. On this particular blog there was a poster who said that he knew people that are just waiting for it to be legal so that they can be high all the time. He used that as a reason to not legalize it. I thought that was kind of odd.

Here is the thing. Marijuana has an analgesic effect and it does alter your state of mind sort of like alcohol and or percoset or any other strong pain killer out there. I have found that if used in a "responsible way" ( let's face it using something illegal is never responsible) which means not too much, there are no negative side effects. If a person drives under the influence, it would be the same thing as driving under the influence of alcohol. If someone has it without a prescription, it would be the same as someone having any other drug without a prescription. I just don't understand why people think that it would be a bad thing for medical use. Can someone explain it?

grrr

2009-03-12T13:30:00.004-04:00

Ok, so here is one of my pet peeves. Please don't be offended if you do this. You probably have a perfectly good reason and maybe if I walked in your shoes I would have a different idea about this but...I really hate when Christians say something to the effect of."Jesus, come back soon".As if this life is just so horrible they are begging Jesus to end it all.

I know there is a lot of pain in this world. I know there is a lot of death and I want to see those that passed away again . However, this is a good life. Heck, this is a wonderful life. I didn't always think so but, jeez. I just feel that it makes Christians sound a little nuts to be talking about the rapture or the end of times. I don't want Jesus to come back soon. Sorry, but I don't. There is a lot more that I want to accomplish before I go to heaven.

I know that sounds mean. Sorry.

a little thing

2009-03-11T15:05:00.004-04:00

Your eyes are the best kind of blue. They remind me of the ocean in Bermuda. Peaceful and warm, deep and inviting.

When I am with you I feel safe. I feel like if I could just stay snuggled in your big arms nothing in the world could ever go wrong again.

Your voice is like a song. When I am not with you in the house, I strain to hear your little songs that you are always singing about me. I then know where you are and that you are happy.

You make me laugh. Even when I am mad or fussy you always know how to cheer me up. I can't stay mad at you for very long.

When you aren't with me, I feel sad and like a part of me is missing. I go through the day counting the minutes until you come through the door.

Moving right along

2009-03-05T16:49:00.001-05:00

So this is the list that I wrote a couple years ago. It is fun to see what I have accomplished.
A small list of things I want to do before I die in no particular order of importance. I reserve the right to add or remove items at will.

A small list of things I want to do before I die in no particular order of importance. I reserve the right to add or remove items at will.

Trip about Europe
Write a book
Fall entirely in love with someone who loves me back **
Meet Bono
Take a stunning picture**
Be debt free**
Write an incredibly moving song**
Get married to my soul mate**
Have a well-kept garden**
Get off antidepressants
Own a house that I love **
Rescue a puppy from the pound*
Have a star named after me*
Have really amazing sex**
Get a better tattoo **
Adopt a lost cause*
Save someone’s life**
Become a Vegetarian for more than 6 months
Get high one more time*
Let a spider crawl on my hand*
Have a child or two
Have a really amazing body
Finish therapy**

* No longer a goal of mine
**Goal completed

Blah

2009-03-05T16:36:00.002-05:00

So Mike is going away from tomorrow until Tuesday. I hate when he is away and I will have a lot of time on my hands cause I am only working on Monday. I will be staying with my lovely friend, Laura this weekend. That makes me feel better.

Can I just say, and I know I am not alone in this, but sleeping is one of my favorite things ever. Just the thought of going to bed makes me happy and then the thought of being able to sleep later than normal can literally change my outlook on life. I can sleep late tomorrow. Life feels good.

I guess it is the little things that keep me going. A nice cup of hot chocolate. A warm blanket while I'm watching some t.v. The kitties purring next to me.the plants the I some how manage to keep green and alive. Reading a good book. I think when life is the simplest I am the happiest.

New post

2009-02-28T08:43:00.003-05:00

So, per request from my adoring fans, I decided to write a new post even though I feel like I don't have a lot to say right now. I think I will write some things that are on my mind right now.

1. I cannot believe it is March 1. It feels like this winter just flew by.There is snow on the ground today but I am a little disappointed that we didn't have at least one big snow. I guess there is still hope. After said big snow I would then like the warm weather to come quickly. When I say warm I mean mild. I want a nice spring. I don't want it to go from freezing cold to boiling hot. I love spring. I adore the trees when they have the little flowers that smells so good. Apple blossoms are my favorite. The one tree that I can see from my kitchen window has buds on it already. This makes me happy.

2.I keep having recurring dreams about being in YWAM. It is never a good thing. I always find myself at a DTS and I never understand why I am redoing my DTS. I realize all of a sudden that I didn't pack anything and I made the decision on a whim without fully thinking it through. Then I realize that I left Mike back at home and I am so worried that our marriage won't survive it. Then I also realize that some of the people I knew from my actual DTS are staff and they are mean to me. It's horrible.

3. My 32nd birthday is March 25. I cannot believe that I am 32. That sounds so old to me. I still feel very much like a child in many ways. I wonder if there will be an age I get to where I feel like an adult.

4. I can't think of anything els to write about right now. Sorry fans.

Top ten reasons I love my cats

2009-02-17T02:04:00.002-05:00

1. They are unbelievably cute. Especially Figgy Pudding. I don't like to have favorites but he has the cutest face ever.

2. They purr and knead like crazy.Especially when they want something.(Kind of like me)

3. Fiona curls up in the bathroom sink and get's out when I need to wash my hands. She wants to drink from the sink-Mike hates this but I think it is funny.

4.They give licks with their sandpaper tongues

5. They are warm and nap next to me or on top on me

6. They can be left alone for extended periods of time and go to the bathroom in the litter box.(Figgy gives me the silent treatment if I leave him too long)

7. They meow and chirp in little trills. It is like they are singing sometimes.

8. They are always happy to see me.

9. Figgy carries this furry thing around in his mouth and meows at the bedroom door and drops it there as a present every night if I don't hide it.

10. They let me kiss them all over their furry faces even though Mr. The Figs gets his mad face on .

life right now.

2009-02-16T13:42:00.003-05:00

I am trying to make my life what I want it to be. I love performing but haven't done it it a looong time.I tried out for Godspell yesterday. Our church is putting it on and I am truly excited to be it. I mean, that is, if I make it. I was told that they would let me know and Jonathan winked when he said it. So, I assume I made it unless Jonathan has a crush on me. He and Drew had only good thing to say about my audition so...I hope I made it.

Anyway, I am exciting about getting healthy. I am excited to see what this year has in store for me.
I am feeling good right now.

Not working through

2009-02-12T10:15:00.003-05:00

I found Tucker a new home. What is this a sickness? Yeah, it is. I am mentally ill and I know it. I just don't want the responsibility of owning a dog. Even the best dog is too much for me. I have had panic attacks every day. I have sobbed until I can't cry anymore everyday. Mike is allergic. He was willing to work through that. I really hate myself right now. I loathe myself. I just woke up this morning and felt like I didn't want to keep the puppy just for the sake of trying to work through something. I didn't think it was fair to the puppy or to Mike. Mike had to watch me hyperventilate and sob and want to die every night. All over the puppy. I know there are people that actually love having puppies. They get joy from owning a dog. They are happy to see the puppy and get happy feelings when they think about the pup. I am the opposite.

The puppy is going to a place with two other small dogs. Someone is home all day and the people love dogs.

Working through it.

2009-02-11T10:35:00.005-05:00

So, I did what I swore I would never do. I even had people that I told to tell me not to do it if I ever wanted to again. Sigh, I got another puppy. I think I did it because I was really sure that I could overcome my fears and panic attacks and keep it. I thought that if I could just find the right puppy for us that it would be great. I thought if I didn't set myself up for failure by researching the puppy that was right for us and making sure that I wasn't working for awhile and waiting until Mike was not going on a business trip that everything would be great.

So, I did all that. On Saturday Mike and I drove 2.5 hours to a place where they breed and also rescue. We specifically went to look at a little black pomapoo with white on his chest. He was 13 weeks so we were skipping the super tiny puppy stage which tends to freak me out. When we got there we walked into this small building where they were washing some small puppies. They obviously were cooing and snuggling them so that was a good thing. The girls informed us that they had to get the owner to show us the puppies. I looked into some of the crates and saw what I knew was the puppy we came to see. All alone in a crate. The lady named Bonnie came in and gave me a handshake(it was extremely weak, one of my pet peeves) anyway, she let the pup out and he raced around the room. Mike was slightly concerned that he was so energetic since he was mixed with pomeranian and he has known some really hyper ones. I knew that the pup was just excited to be out of the crate.Mike also remarked that some super tiny 5 weeks old puppies were insanely cute(and 600.00) I told him that I liked this one that was now licking my face. He was also a fraction of the price.

The lady groomed him for us and gave us a puppy pack. We bought a harness and a leash and were on our way home.

That night we went to Sarah and Jacob's for dinner. We had fun and then when we got home I started freaking out and crying. Mike assured me that everything was going to be fine and that he was our puppy and that we WERE. NOT. GIVING.HIM.AWAY. That night we put him in hiis crate and he slept through the night. I kept waking up with panic attacks and expecting to hear him crying. He didn't make a peep.

The next day went smoothly. I went to bed really early and slept really well. The next day went smoothly. Yesterday went smoothly. The puppy is very good about going poop and pee outside. He peed once and pooped once inside the first or second day but that was mainly due to me not taking him out in time.

Last night I cried and freaked out again. Mike calmed me down.

This is the thing. God clearly wants me to keep the puppy because he is making this puppy virtually problem free. He sleeps through the night. He goes potty outside.When I need a break I can put him in his crate and spend time alone. He and the cats are ok. He is cute and lovable. I am just working through my issues and it actually feels really good.

So, we are keeping the puppy. His name is Tucker. Yes, the joke has been made about what we call him when he humps my arm...sorry but just being honest.

Anyway, I know that most people don't have these freak outs when it comes to a cute and lovable pup. I am weird but like I said, it is a phobia that I am confronting and it feels awesome to be working through it. As I write this a cute little addition to our family is sleeping next to me. He is very cute. A little stinky but very very cute.

When a house becomes a home

2009-02-01T13:44:00.010-05:00

I am not sure when this happened but I finally feel like I have a home. Our house, though a work in progress, is so cozy and comfy that I just wanted to post some pictures for those who have never been there. Basically it is just the downstairs that I am showing cause we are still in the process of organizing upstairs but here are a few pictures to tide you over. It is tiny but I love it.

Things are pretty fine

2009-01-31T17:40:00.003-05:00

Things have been going pretty well lately. I have been working double shifts which means I am gone from 7:45am until about 10:45pm monday through thursday and then hav a normal shift on Friday. It has been rough but only because my body is rebelling against me. I always get this excruciating pain in my scapula area which then refers pain to my chest. I first got it at my first teaching job when I was working days and nights and it was so painful I thought I was having a heart attack. Well anyway, I am finishing up the double shifts this week and then I will have my usual two weeks off. I need it to recover. Hopefully I will never have to work double shifts again unless I need the money.

We are having Brian and Nina over tonight. We always enjoy being with them. I have been much more social lately and I realize that it is easier for me to be social when I have exercised. I guess my social anxiety is body issue related.

That all I want to say for now.

Support forums

2009-01-25T10:09:00.002-05:00

So, I will be honest, as usual. I have struggles with things that I am sure a lot of people struggle with but generally when you are feeling bad you tend to feel alone also. I have wonderful family and friends that I can talk to when I need support but I have also tried some online forums that are geared towards encouragement for certain issues. I find them to be useless. The reason I find them useless is that everyone on there is in so much pain that they aren't really looking to help they are looking to get help. At least, that is what it seems. I have joined 2. I have tried to encourage people but when I write something I get very few responses and the ones I get are pretty lame. Usually they are just an emoticon. Like I write something sad and someone just responds with a sad smiley. Helpful. I just decided that I can't do it anymore. Maybe I am needy but it just seems sad that a support forum ends up making a person feel worse. Oh well. I hope they help some people.

In other news: These coming two weeks are going to be really rough for me. I will be working 11 hours days. Prayer would be appreciated.

2009-01-15T10:53:00.002-05:00

I wish I wasn't such a slave to my emotions. Like right now I am sitting on the sofa watching Bringing Baby Home(which I really should not do) and feeling really cranky that I can't have a baby. This crankiness then turns into a feeling of hopelessness. I feel like I will never ever ever have a baby. I feel like a spoiled brat because I want one. I do not want to adopt. I want to conceive and carry a child. I want that baby to be a part of Mike and me. I want a baby now. I do not want to wait until I am older. I am almost 32. I feel like that is old enough. We have been trying for over two years. I am so tired of waiting.

On the flip side. I know God has a plan. I know that there are children that need homes. I know that babies are life changing and it can be really tough. I know that I probably brought on my trouble myself because I am fat. I know that there are people who have been trying for much longer than we have. People who have lost babies. People who have lost older children. I know all this. But... still.

Sorry I keep posting lame things.

Surgery

2008-12-30T11:12:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I have my surgery to remove the uterine polyp. I have hope that it will go well and that the procedure will increase my chance of conception. I am a bit nervous, though. I am nervous to have the procedure done even though I am sure it will be no big deal. I am also nervous that I still won't conceive and then I will have to face the fact that I just might never have a baby.I think if I just knew for sure that I couldn't that it would be easier than not knowing. I felt that way about getting married too. If I just knew that there was no one for me then I would have been able to move on with my life. But it was a wonderful surprise to find that Michael was meant for me.

Speaking of Michael, I do believe that he is my soulmate. Last night when he was tucking me in and we were praying and doing devotions I happened to ask him if he would remarry if I died. He said that he would not. I asked him why and he explained that he only wants me. He couldn't imagine marrying anyone else. We have talked before about the fact that he didn't want to get married until he met me. He wanted to spend his life with me not just anyone. How humbling and amazing to me. I feel the same way about him. I could never imagine anyone being able to make me happy like Mike does. He takes care of me. He makes me laugh. We talk about things. He wants me to be happy. He apologizes when he wrongs me and he REALLY means it. It is amazing to me. How truly wonderful.

So, anyway. That is just what I felt like saying.

My day

2008-12-15T20:16:00.004-05:00

Where is my brain these days? No really, that wasn't rhetorical.

Today, I heard the alarm go off and I dragged myself out of bed. I sat on the toilet and did the stare-y thing where I could be there for minutes or hours because I am just thinking about nothing looking at the radiator.Not going to the bathroom. Just sitting and staring. I forced myself to get up and into the shower. Turned the hot water on and hopped in. Burned myself cause I forgot to turn on the cold water too. Stood in the shower and did the stare-y thing. This time I was looking at the floor of the tub. Forced myself to wash and condition hair and suds all the proper places. Forced myself to dry off completely. Usually I prefer to air dry some. Made my breakfast. Ate the breakfast. Got the coffee. Got in the car. Got gas. Drove to 95. Waited in usually traffic jam. Sang to Mindy Smith Christmas album. Turned on the massaging seat cover Mike just bought me. Turned it off cause it was making me sound weird and after all you never know if there is someone hiding in your backseat that was going to kill you but then he hears your beautiful voice and realizes he cannot slay this voice of an angel(yes, I really was scared of that when I was younger). Drove my usual 50 minuted to Delaware. Got all my stuff out of the car and went to talk to my fellow teacher. "Heeeey, what's going on?"she asks. I say,"Oh just coming to teach my class". "Wait, your new class doesn't start tomorrow" she says with a look of confusion on her face. I start laughing. Of course my class doesn't start until tomorrow. New classes ALWAYS start on a Tuesday. I am officially retarded. Sorry, mentally challenged.

So, I figured I will do some tax free shopping and go to lunch and a movie with my Mom and Grandmother.

We saw 4 Christmases. It was funny in spots but semi painful to watch.

I am tired from my big day.

D'oh

2008-12-07T20:18:00.002-05:00

I am have been doing pretty well lately. I have started going back to VCF (oops not today) and have been depending on God for the things I need. I have been going through some things. Please feel free to share your thoughts. I mean, as long as they are helpful and insightful. Don't be mean.

First of all, Mike and I did the thing that Bruce told us to do about resisting Satan and/his mean little toadies. As soon as we did that it seemed that things started falling apart left and right. However, I believe that God is good so maybe all the attacks were meant to be much worse than they are. Here are the things I/we are dealing with that could use prayer...

1. Infertility-Truth be told Mike and I have been trying to conceive for about 2 years. We starting seeing a fertility doctor and found out the following things.

A. I have insulin resistance. My body makes too much insulin and the doesn't use it. Therefore I crave sugar and gain weight without trying. I KNEW there was something up with that. Upon further blood tests they also saw that my fasting sugar was really high. I need more tests but they put me on Metformin. Blood sugar issues run in my family. My Greatgrandmother, grandfather, mom and dad all have sugar problems. My dad has diabetes. I am one step away from that.

B. I have a polyp on my uterus. After testing they discovered abnormal cells. So I need to have that removed via D&C.

C.Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

D. I have low iron.

No wonder I feel exhausted all the time and I can't get pregnant.Sheesh. Please just pray for me.

Don't feel like writing anymore just now. Will continue later.

blah.

2008-11-29T15:54:00.002-05:00

This is an honest post and it is not meant to manipulate or hurt anyone's feeling. It is just how I have been feeling lately.

I have always had a group of friends that I care about. Though people have come in and out of my life I have always had people that I knew would always be there for me. I felt that even if I didn't communicate with friends for awhile I knew that they were always there if I needed them. Always walking with me through life even if they were on a different path. I could just call and they would be there. This has always been a security to me. I haven't felt alone because I knew that there were people that care right there. If I called one friend and they didn't answer I knew I could call another and they would be there.

My friendships have always come so easily to me. I mean, these close friends of mine are such a joy to be friends with it hasn't been any work. I mean, sometimes we have hit a rough patch or two but these friendships have overcome those things.

To me it is tedious when you feel like a friendship is forced. I have had friendships where I have struggled to hang on to them because I really care about the person. I call them.But I realize they don't call me. I ask them to do stuff. But I realize that they are never asking me to do anything. I think maybe they are going through a rough time. Then I realize that they are calling people and doing things just not with me. I feel hurt but I let it blow over. I think that things will get better in time. But they don't. I then have to do the thing that I don't like to do. I stop calling. Stop asking them to do stuff and hope that it was just my imagination. I hope and pray that they reach out to me so I then can say that there really is a friendship there. It isn't me just hanging onto something that isn't really there.

All this to say that I sadly have realized that I have to let go of some of the friendships that I have been clutching to. I feel like I might just have to realize that these friendships have moved to a different stage. We won't talk on the phone. We won't hang out. We will kind of feel weird when we see each other because we used to be so close. These people have other people that are filling their social needs. I feel sad because I love them and hurt because I feel replaceable. I don't mean that I will shut them out. Of course I would love to be friends with them. I feel like I just can't force something that the other person or people don't want.

This may sound pathetic and maybe it is. But I feel really lonely for the first time in a long time. I mean lonely for friends besides Mike, though I love him dearly. My sisters are away and I feel like some of my friends really just don't care about me anymore. I hope this is just a phase but sadly, I don't think it is.

Yay for stuff

2008-11-11T21:12:00.003-05:00

Here are some things I love so much so much right now...

My house-
I have some curtains up downstairs and some pictures up and it feels really cozy. It feels like home and I feel safe here.

My marriage-
Not to say that we still don't have our arguments but after three years of marriage things are working much better. I feel like I am getting the hang of things. Still, I have MUCH to learn.

My cats-
I always love my cats but I am learning that they are awesome little friends and I don't need a dog to entertain me. My cats are entertaining, smart(they sit for a treat),loyal(the figs always licks my tears away) and independent without being aloof. Plus they are extremely adorable.

My job-
It is two weeks a month plus a few days extra here and there. I am teaching the basics, after all it is an intro class. The school is small and only teaches massage. The other teachers are nice and the students are not going to "cut" anyone. HUGE step up in class, I must say.

Our country-
I am so happy that our country is ready for change and can stand up and say,"yeah, this isn't working for me" and DO something about it!

The holiday-
Always a happy time for me and I am really looking forward to getting people presents this year. I am especially looking forward to getting mike his Ipod touch. It isn't a surprise but he really wants and deserves it.

Welp that is all I am feeling like writing now.

Obituary

2008-11-09T10:52:00.002-05:00

This is my grandfather's obituary. Just thought I would post it.

John Williams Jr. of Middletown, formerly of Naples, Fla., and Springfield, Pa., passed away Saturday, Oct. 4, 2008. He was 89.
Mr. Williams was born Aug. 4, 1919, in Philadelphia, son of the late John and Irene (Evens) Williams.
After graduation from Olney High School in Philadelphia, Mr. Williams attended Pennsylvania State College (now University) and received a Bachelor of Science in chemical engineering in 1942. His numerous collegiate honors and activities included Sigma Tau, Tau Beta Pi and Pi Mu Epsilon.
As a communications officer with the United States Navy during World War II, he served on the aircraft carrier USS San Jacinto, the same vessel as President George H. W. Bush.
Mr. Williams was highly successful in the business world. He was an engineer and later co-owner of Pneumatics & Hydraulics, a company in Malvern, Pa.
For many years, he was an active member of St. James Methodist Church in Philadelphia; Covenant Methodist Church in Springfield, where he sang in the choir and headed the Men’s Club; and the United Church of Christ in Naples, an area to which he retired and lived with his wife for more than 30 years.
His community affiliations included the Rotary Club in Springfield and memberships in two golf clubs. In addition to golf, he was an accomplished athlete who excelled in baseball and basketball. In his later life, he became an avid ping pong player.
Next to his loving family, his favorite passion was golf. He belonged to Rolling Green Golf Club in Springfield for many years, during which he won a few championships. He played at the Vineyard Country Club and Quail Run Golf Club in Naples. He was happy with two holes in one.
Mr. Williams was a gifted musician. He played the piano by ear, deftly working out melodies without the use of written music, and he strummed the ukulele with ease.
He was highly intelligent, engaging, outgoing and known for his optimistic, positive approach to life. If someone asked how he was feeling, his quick reply would be “Terrific!” Never one to take himself too seriously, he sometimes referred to himself whimsically as “Big Bad John.”
Equally comfortable in both individual conversations and large groups, his genuine love of people showed in his generosity to charitable causes and support of the arts. Attending plays and the Naples Philharmonic were especially pleasurable pastimes.
The hallmarks of his life included those of a multi-talented man with wide-ranging interests, and above all, an abiding love for family and friends.
In addition to his parents, he was preceded in death by a brother, Winfield; a sister-in-law, Louise W. Felton; and two brothers-in-law, Maurice P. Felton and William M. Felton.
He is survived by his devoted wife of 62 years, Mable Elizabeth “Bette” (Felton) Williams, whom he married June 1, 1946; a daughter and a son-in-law, Joan F. W. and Robert A. DiNatale of Middletown; a son, John Douglas Williams and his partner, George Hizny, of Fort Lauderdale, Fla.; three granddaughters and three grandsons-in-law, Darby Elizabeth and Jason Latshaw, Meredith Lee and Michael Morris, and Lindsay Felton and Collin Palkovitz; two great-grandchildren, Lyric Elizabeth Latshaw and Oliver Seth Latshaw; and two sisters-in-law, Myrtle Felton and Rose Williams.
Mr. Williams’ family extends a warm thank you to Dr. Beth Renzulli and her ever-loyal aide, Erika Cruz and to Kelly McKay of Delaware Hospice.
Services are private.
Memorial contributions may be sent to Delaware Hospice Inc., 911 S. DuPont Highway, Dover, DE 19901.
Arrangements by Daniels & Hutchison Funeral Home LLC, Middletown.