Again, with the no title. I don't have the cleverness or the energy to think of anything interesting to say or anything worthwhile to write but i need to write to get these thoughts out of my head for some peace. God. I just want some peace. I need a light to guide me out of this extremely dark room that I have been in for such a long time. Years. It feels like it has been a lifetime. maybe only really bad for months. but I have not been coping well for awhile now. I remember when I was so miserable when we lived in philly. It felt like my life was at it's worse. I truly felt like I had nothing to live for. I was drunk all the time. literally. from morning to night. I don't know why or how I didn't get arrested or kill myself or someone else. Only grace, I guess. things turned around and I was doing really well for awhile. even with all the pain of Poem dying and others I love dying and just immense stress of raising a child with severe impulsivity and rage and violent behavior. I was coping. I was going forward. One step. another step. just making it through. I don't want to rehash all the shit I have been though. It feels so much that I can't even remember it all. I was dissociated for a lot of it. But now, why now? Why did it all just become too much the 6 months? Covid? yeah maybe. Nursing school? yeah. maybe. But i just broke. I don't know when I started drinking so much and so often again. I just got drunk occasionally. just to rest my mind. then it was every night. then I started a little bit earlier every day. When my mind was swimming and my body felt like I was moving under the water, I felt weightless like all the stress was just floating away. It was a break from the first time in years my mind and body were free to relax. When I was drinking the it didn't matter if I was lonely than I had ever been in my life even though I surrounded myself with guys several days of the week. It didn't matter that I was telling my husband that something was wrong with our marriage and he just didn't care enough to put any effort in. It didn't matter that the complicated PTSD from years of physical and verbal abuse was being triggered daily by other physical and verbal abuse. It didn't matter that I was struggling so hard to keep my head above the waves but I was drowning. My moods were labile. One minute I was so angry and agitated and wanted to claw my skin off and the next minute I was feeling beautiful and hilarious and popular and smart. I felt different. I felt young. I felt free. I felt invincible. I began doing some very risky behaviors. Some completely unethical and immoral things that I never thought I was capable of doing. I had always been so Intune with my moral compass. I would get to a certain point of things and never cross the line. I would always be convicted and stop things before I went too far. I wasn't stopping myself. I couldn't stop myself. I scared myself. I didn't recognize myself. Things became a revolving door of terrible drunken behavior and waking up with searing guilt, shame and remorse. Swearing I would stop drinking because clearly. that was the cause of my lack of inhibition, Every day I would promise myself that I wouldn't go to the liquor store. Every even I would go there. My resolve which had been so strong just a few hours earlier was completely gone.
