Surgery

Tomorrow I have my surgery to remove the uterine polyp. I have hope that it will go well and that the procedure will increase my chance of conception. I am a bit nervous, though. I am nervous to have the procedure done even though I am sure it will be no big deal. I am also nervous that I still won't conceive and then I will have to face the fact that I just might never have a baby.I think if I just knew for sure that I couldn't that it would be easier than not knowing. I felt that way about getting married too. If I just knew that there was no one for me then I would have been able to move on with my life. But it was a wonderful surprise to find that Michael was meant for me.

Speaking of Michael, I do believe that he is my soulmate. Last night when he was tucking me in and we were praying and doing devotions I happened to ask him if he would remarry if I died. He said that he would not. I asked him why and he explained that he only wants me. He couldn't imagine marrying anyone else. We have talked before about the fact that he didn't want to get married until he met me. He wanted to spend his life with me not just anyone. How humbling and amazing to me. I feel the same way about him. I could never imagine anyone being able to make me happy like Mike does. He takes care of me. He makes me laugh. We talk about things. He wants me to be happy. He apologizes when he wrongs me and he REALLY means it. It is amazing to me. How truly wonderful.

So, anyway. That is just what I felt like saying.

My day

Where is my brain these days? No really, that wasn't rhetorical.

Today, I heard the alarm go off and I dragged myself out of bed. I sat on the toilet and did the stare-y thing where I could be there for minutes or hours because I am just thinking about nothing looking at the radiator.Not going to the bathroom. Just sitting and staring. I forced myself to get up and into the shower. Turned the hot water on and hopped in. Burned myself cause I forgot to turn on the cold water too. Stood in the shower and did the stare-y thing. This time I was looking at the floor of the tub. Forced myself to wash and condition hair and suds all the proper places. Forced myself to dry off completely. Usually I prefer to air dry some. Made my breakfast. Ate the breakfast. Got the coffee. Got in the car. Got gas. Drove to 95. Waited in usually traffic jam. Sang to Mindy Smith Christmas album. Turned on the massaging seat cover Mike just bought me. Turned it off cause it was making me sound weird and after all you never know if there is someone hiding in your backseat that was going to kill you but then he hears your beautiful voice and realizes he cannot slay this voice of an angel(yes, I really was scared of that when I was younger). Drove my usual 50 minuted to Delaware. Got all my stuff out of the car and went to talk to my fellow teacher. "Heeeey, what's going on?"she asks. I say,"Oh just coming to teach my class". "Wait, your new class doesn't start tomorrow" she says with a look of confusion on her face. I start laughing. Of course my class doesn't start until tomorrow. New classes ALWAYS start on a Tuesday. I am officially retarded. Sorry, mentally challenged.

So, I figured I will do some tax free shopping and go to lunch and a movie with my Mom and Grandmother.

We saw 4 Christmases. It was funny in spots but semi painful to watch.

I am tired from my big day.

D'oh

I am have been doing pretty well lately. I have started going back to VCF (oops not today) and have been depending on God for the things I need. I have been going through some things. Please feel free to share your thoughts. I mean, as long as they are helpful and insightful. Don't be mean.

First of all, Mike and I did the thing that Bruce told us to do about resisting Satan and/his mean little toadies. As soon as we did that it seemed that things started falling apart left and right. However, I believe that God is good so maybe all the attacks were meant to be much worse than they are. Here are the things I/we are dealing with that could use prayer...

1. Infertility-Truth be told Mike and I have been trying to conceive for about 2 years. We starting seeing a fertility doctor and found out the following things.

A. I have insulin resistance. My body makes too much insulin and the doesn't use it. Therefore I crave sugar and gain weight without trying. I KNEW there was something up with that. Upon further blood tests they also saw that my fasting sugar was really high. I need more tests but they put me on Metformin. Blood sugar issues run in my family. My Greatgrandmother, grandfather, mom and dad all have sugar problems. My dad has diabetes. I am one step away from that.

B. I have a polyp on my uterus. After testing they discovered abnormal cells. So I need to have that removed via D&C.

C.Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome


D. I have low iron.


No wonder I feel exhausted all the time and I can't get pregnant.Sheesh. Please just pray for me.

Don't feel like writing anymore just now. Will continue later.

blah.

This is an honest post and it is not meant to manipulate or hurt anyone's feeling. It is just how I have been feeling lately.

I have always had a group of friends that I care about. Though people have come in and out of my life I have always had people that I knew would always be there for me. I felt that even if I didn't communicate with friends for awhile I knew that they were always there if I needed them. Always walking with me through life even if they were on a different path. I could just call and they would be there. This has always been a security to me. I haven't felt alone because I knew that there were people that care right there. If I called one friend and they didn't answer I knew I could call another and they would be there.

My friendships have always come so easily to me. I mean, these close friends of mine are such a joy to be friends with it hasn't been any work. I mean, sometimes we have hit a rough patch or two but these friendships have overcome those things.

To me it is tedious when you feel like a friendship is forced. I have had friendships where I have struggled to hang on to them because I really care about the person. I call them.But I realize they don't call me. I ask them to do stuff. But I realize that they are never asking me to do anything. I think maybe they are going through a rough time. Then I realize that they are calling people and doing things just not with me. I feel hurt but I let it blow over. I think that things will get better in time. But they don't. I then have to do the thing that I don't like to do. I stop calling. Stop asking them to do stuff and hope that it was just my imagination. I hope and pray that they reach out to me so I then can say that there really is a friendship there. It isn't me just hanging onto something that isn't really there.

All this to say that I sadly have realized that I have to let go of some of the friendships that I have been clutching to. I feel like I might just have to realize that these friendships have moved to a different stage. We won't talk on the phone. We won't hang out. We will kind of feel weird when we see each other because we used to be so close. These people have other people that are filling their social needs. I feel sad because I love them and hurt because I feel replaceable. I don't mean that I will shut them out. Of course I would love to be friends with them. I feel like I just can't force something that the other person or people don't want.

This may sound pathetic and maybe it is. But I feel really lonely for the first time in a long time. I mean lonely for friends besides Mike, though I love him dearly. My sisters are away and I feel like some of my friends really just don't care about me anymore. I hope this is just a phase but sadly, I don't think it is.

Yay for stuff

Here are some things I love so much so much right now...

My house-
I have some curtains up downstairs and some pictures up and it feels really cozy. It feels like home and I feel safe here.

My marriage-
Not to say that we still don't have our arguments but after three years of marriage things are working much better. I feel like I am getting the hang of things. Still, I have MUCH to learn.

My cats-
I always love my cats but I am learning that they are awesome little friends and I don't need a dog to entertain me. My cats are entertaining, smart(they sit for a treat),loyal(the figs always licks my tears away) and independent without being aloof. Plus they are extremely adorable.

My job-
It is two weeks a month plus a few days extra here and there. I am teaching the basics, after all it is an intro class. The school is small and only teaches massage. The other teachers are nice and the students are not going to "cut" anyone. HUGE step up in class, I must say.

Our country-
I am so happy that our country is ready for change and can stand up and say,"yeah, this isn't working for me" and DO something about it!

The holiday-
Always a happy time for me and I am really looking forward to getting people presents this year. I am especially looking forward to getting mike his Ipod touch. It isn't a surprise but he really wants and deserves it.

Welp that is all I am feeling like writing now.

Obituary

This is my grandfather's obituary. Just thought I would post it.


John Williams Jr. of Middletown, formerly of Naples, Fla., and Springfield, Pa., passed away Saturday, Oct. 4, 2008. He was 89.
Mr. Williams was born Aug. 4, 1919, in Philadelphia, son of the late John and Irene (Evens) Williams.
After graduation from Olney High School in Philadelphia, Mr. Williams attended Pennsylvania State College (now University) and received a Bachelor of Science in chemical engineering in 1942. His numerous collegiate honors and activities included Sigma Tau, Tau Beta Pi and Pi Mu Epsilon.
As a communications officer with the United States Navy during World War II, he served on the aircraft carrier USS San Jacinto, the same vessel as President George H. W. Bush.
Mr. Williams was highly successful in the business world. He was an engineer and later co-owner of Pneumatics & Hydraulics, a company in Malvern, Pa.
For many years, he was an active member of St. James Methodist Church in Philadelphia; Covenant Methodist Church in Springfield, where he sang in the choir and headed the Men’s Club; and the United Church of Christ in Naples, an area to which he retired and lived with his wife for more than 30 years.
His community affiliations included the Rotary Club in Springfield and memberships in two golf clubs. In addition to golf, he was an accomplished athlete who excelled in baseball and basketball. In his later life, he became an avid ping pong player.
Next to his loving family, his favorite passion was golf. He belonged to Rolling Green Golf Club in Springfield for many years, during which he won a few championships. He played at the Vineyard Country Club and Quail Run Golf Club in Naples. He was happy with two holes in one.
Mr. Williams was a gifted musician. He played the piano by ear, deftly working out melodies without the use of written music, and he strummed the ukulele with ease.
He was highly intelligent, engaging, outgoing and known for his optimistic, positive approach to life. If someone asked how he was feeling, his quick reply would be “Terrific!” Never one to take himself too seriously, he sometimes referred to himself whimsically as “Big Bad John.”
Equally comfortable in both individual conversations and large groups, his genuine love of people showed in his generosity to charitable causes and support of the arts. Attending plays and the Naples Philharmonic were especially pleasurable pastimes.
The hallmarks of his life included those of a multi-talented man with wide-ranging interests, and above all, an abiding love for family and friends.
In addition to his parents, he was preceded in death by a brother, Winfield; a sister-in-law, Louise W. Felton; and two brothers-in-law, Maurice P. Felton and William M. Felton.
He is survived by his devoted wife of 62 years, Mable Elizabeth “Bette” (Felton) Williams, whom he married June 1, 1946; a daughter and a son-in-law, Joan F. W. and Robert A. DiNatale of Middletown; a son, John Douglas Williams and his partner, George Hizny, of Fort Lauderdale, Fla.; three granddaughters and three grandsons-in-law, Darby Elizabeth and Jason Latshaw, Meredith Lee and Michael Morris, and Lindsay Felton and Collin Palkovitz; two great-grandchildren, Lyric Elizabeth Latshaw and Oliver Seth Latshaw; and two sisters-in-law, Myrtle Felton and Rose Williams.
Mr. Williams’ family extends a warm thank you to Dr. Beth Renzulli and her ever-loyal aide, Erika Cruz and to Kelly McKay of Delaware Hospice.
Services are private.
Memorial contributions may be sent to Delaware Hospice Inc., 911 S. DuPont Highway, Dover, DE 19901.
Arrangements by Daniels & Hutchison Funeral Home LLC, Middletown.

Last night I started sobbing because I remembered that Poppop died. It was like a person with Alzheimer's. I literally didn't remember and then I was hiding under my sheets looking at them and I realized that they used to be Mommom and Poppop's and I was like,"Oh I feel like I haven't seen Poppop in forever I should...Oh he is dead."Sob Sob Sob. I started talking and I told God to give him the message if he(PP) couldn't hear me and then I heard really loudly in my head,"I LOVE YOU MURRY". It was his voice and I know it was him.Even now I am crying....cause he was so wonderful and such a special special person.

Yeah, I know I wrote Murry. That is how my mom's side of the family says my name. Why does it hurt so much inside. He had such a long and great life. I want him here. I miss him so much.

Election day

Welp, I voted. It was a piece a cake. Well it was a little difficult finding the place. It looked like a liquor store from the street. Waaaaaait....maybe it was. No WONDER there was no line. Anyway, I did push some buttons so hopefully it works out. I feel a little nervous in my stomach. I really want my candidate to win. I REALLY do. I truly believe that it would be best for the country. Sorry this is lame, I am distracted by the news.

I am feeling bad today so I guess I will just write and hope that I feel better when I am done.I am not going to worry about paragraphs or grammer.Here it goes. I feel sad today. I got my period which is a good thing except for the fact that it means that I am not pregnant...yet again. Mike and I have been officially trying for over a year. I have been trying(and maybe God is punishing me) for the past three years. Mike and I have already resolved the fact that I was trying to have a baby when he wasn't onboard. True to Mike's style he forgave me right away and told me that he kind of knew. Anyway, I am 31...closer to 32 and I want a baby really badly. I didn't always want a baby in fact, I thought that it would be better for a child if they didn't inherit my family's, um, ahem, issues. I also thought that perhaps I was responsible enough, or healthy enough, or unselfish enough. But you know, after years of seeing complete idiots having children I am fairly certain that I would be a great mom. I think Mike would be a great dad. We have a cozy home and I know that we would give a child so much love. I really knew that I would have trouble concieving and that isx why I starting trying so early. I thought it was ridiculous to use birth control when I knew I wasn't getting pregnant. I also struggle with feeling like I don't deserve to concieve easily. I feel like I have waited for everything I have wanted. I feel like my life has always been a huge struggle. Why not now? I also feel like I brought it on myself because of being overweight. Arg. That is all I feel like writing now. I need help. Mike and I are going to a fertility doctor in a few weeks. I just hope there is some help.

Feeling better

You know, I have this habit of feeling like the world is ending whenever I am having a hard time. It is easy for me to slip into a dark place and to think that life will never be good again. Why do I do this? Oh well, it doesn't matter. I am feeling better now. I think I am feeling better because it is the fall.

The fall is extremely wonderful to me. I always have good memories of walks at Winterthur through the paths lined with trees. Looking all around me there was nothing but vibrant red,orange, and yellow and I would breathe in the smell of well, change. Our house would always smell like the fireplace which was burning constantly as the weather got cooler and it seemed like there was always football on the t.v.

Some night we would have bonfires outside and eat S'mores and talk. We actually did that last weekend and it was fun.


Now falls has new fun memories and things to look forward to. Mike and my anniversary was yesterday but we are celebrating today by going to the Poconos for the night. I am excited. I can't believe we have been married for three years. Mike is a wonderful husband and I feel so blessed to be his wife.

Sad

Some of you know that my grandfather died on Saturday morning. It was crazy because he has rallied so many times that we all kind of thought he would rally again.

Mike and I stayed at my parents house this weekend and Darby was home because we both were in Laura's wedding. My uncles are up from Florida and Linds and Col were home too.That is amazing. We were all here. It was God.

My mom called my dad on Saturday but he was in the shower so I answered the phone. My mom told me that I might want to visit Poppop cause he wasn't doing well. She didn't want to tell me how bad he was because of the wedding but I felt an urgency and went down there. When I pulled in my mom yelled down that if I ran I might be able to make it before he died. WHAT???!!! So I ran up the three flights of stairs and saw my grandmother sitting next to Poppop talking to him. I went in and gave him a kiss and told him I loved him. Then we sat down with him. My grandmother was still talking to him. Telling him all the people he would see in heaven. She said that he had fought so hard but it was ok to go. She said she loved every inch of him. Then she kissed him again. His breathing got slower and slower and then it stopped. It was a very surreal moment. Just my mom, my grandmother and me, sitting there crying while my grandfather breathed his last breath.

I called my sisters and broke the news. Mike and my dad came in and then Linds and Col and my uncle.

The saddest part was when they took his body away. My grandmother was just saying,"no no they are taking him, my John, they can't take him, not my John," that was heart wrenching. They had been married for 62 years and were always together. My grandmother was completely dependent on him. I cannot imagine losing Mike. It has only been three years of married and we are so entwined. I cannot imagine 62 years.

Anyway, I feel like I should write more about my grandfather's life and I will. But not now.

I love you Poppop. There is now a huge hole in the family but we know we will see you again someday.

October

I have started a new post several times about how much I love this month. I think it will be a good post. My mind however, is preoccupied with bridesmaid things for Laura's wedding on Saturday. So far, my undergarment that I ordered was allegedly delivered and taken off my front porch. My dress was supposed to be done Wed and it isn't yet. Darby and I are singing a song she wrote and I have yet to hear it. The wedding is tomorrow. The rehearsal is tonight. Zoinks. I am a tad stressed. Still, this stress is way better than the bad kind of, mean woman at work, hate your job, kind of stress.

I will write my October post later.

free at last

Yesterday I left my job. 2 days early. I walked out. I should feel guilty but I actually feel fantastic. On Wednesday my friend from work went in and told the director all about this mean person and how she was treating me. I went in later and explained that she was the reason I was leaving. Yesterday the mean person was furious. I could feel her rage when she walked in the room. She started being especially mean and when I went to say something to her she walked out and slammed the door. So I got up, said goodbye to my friend and left. It felt great. I then went to an interview and got another teaching job.

FALL!!!

Yesterday my mother, my sister, and I went fruit picking at Lindvilla Orchards in Media. We used to go to this place all the time when we were little. It is a little different because the original building burned down and was replaced with a smaller building but it actually still smells the same. It is a mixture of apple pie baking and fall. I can't explain it. You would just have to smell it to understand.

We took a hayride to the actual orchard and picked our apples and peaches. We had some nice conversation and female bonding. The sky was clear and deep blue. The air was crisp and fresh. I couldn't help feeling peaceful and happy.


Last night I made an apple pie. It was pretty tasty.

Dentist

I went to the Dentist today. I haven't been to a dentist in about 6 years and was kind of scared that he was going to say that my mouth was full of cavities. I have never had a cavity and the thought of having one makes me feel really sad.

Turns out I still don't have any cavities. It is great but it is also really strange. No one else that I know has never had a cavity. I don't even take exceptional care of my teeth. I only brush once a day usually, floss occasionally and there are some days when I forget to do both.

Oh well, awesome for me!

Yay.

So far I have lost 16lbs since I started weight watchers. I am proud of myself though I do have a lot more to lose. I just have to see every pound as a huge victory and have rewards for myself at different milestones.

Yesterday we went to the Eagles game and had really great seats. It was hot as all get out. I kept looking at the cheerleaders because we were close enough to see their faces. They weren't all that beautiful but they all had very tiny bodies. I was a little jealous.

I am tired and anxious about work. I don't feel like writing more now because I am writing in short sentences like a second grader reading an essay on their summer vacation. I apologize.

Learning

I often wonder if God puts me in situations that I can't handle myself just so that I will remember that he exists. DUH. Like this situation with work. I have tried everything in my power to make the situation better and it just keeps getting worse. Being that there are spies everywhere (if you think I am being paranoid just shoot me an email and I will explain) I won't go into too much detail here but let's just say that there is a spiritual battle at work. Both the other christian that I work with and I are quite aware of that.

I guess the the thing that I most have to realize in this situation is that I dwell in the shelter of the most high God. I am not alone. I am not an orphan. I have prayed and had others pray and now I just need to be at peace with the fact that God will handle things in His way and in His time. That is so hard for me to do. I want the pain to go away now. I know that His grace is sufficient for each situation and I am asking for that grace to cover me. I pray specifically that the truth will set me free.

I was speaking to a friend of mine yesterday who was directly involved in my newest conflict(with the same person) at work though my friend doesn't even work at the same place, and she is praying specifically that obstacles will be removed for God's will to be done. Now, knowing that God wants good things for his children I have to believe that he doesn't want me to be working in such a hostile environment especially when I have done everything in my power to resolve things. Therefore, I believe that he will either help me to find another job or this specific person who is cause so much turmoil will be removed someway. The latter seems impossible so therefore I am thinking that God will have another job for me. It is sad though because I really love teaching my students.

Oh well. Please pray for me...whatever you are led to pray.

boring

I feel like my posts are so gloomy these days. I guess I am just going through one of those valleys in my life where it seems like one thing after another is going wrong. Things were going really well for awhile so, I know things will get better again eventually. Sometimes I just feel so badly. I just feel so sad and hopeless and then I feel guilt on top of that because I have no reason to feel bad. Mike will come in to the bedroom to see how I am doing and I will just be staring. He lays down next to me and my bottom lip turns down into the uncontrollable and severe frown that I get when I am really sad and trying not to cry. He always knows that when the frowny face comes tears are going to follow soon. He always says, "oh no baby, why the frowny face" in his most caring voice. That makes me cry even harder cause He wants me to be happy. I truly believe that that is one of Mike's greatest wishes. It makes me feel so sad for him because he married a girl with major depressive disorder. I hate being depressed. I hate being overweight and depressed even more. I only go to the doctor about once a year not because I am not sick often but because 9 times out of 10 the doctor chalks my symptoms up to being depressed and/or it is because I am overweight. Really? I AM? I am depressed and overweight? I hadn't noticed. Thanks a heap doc. You are so SO smart. I got blood work done and my white blood cells are elevated...so there. Whatever that means.

Mike's dad just found out that he has a baseball sized tumor on his kidney and because 95% of the time it is cancerous( are they even going to check) they are taking his whole kidney out.



I don't feel like saying anything else just now.

GRRRRR!

People Suck! Sorry. Maybe not everyone but certainly a lot of PEOPLE SUCK. As a christian I know that I should love people. I really don't though. I kind of wish I did but not really. I have met a lot of people and it is my belief that maybe 10% of the world's population are horrible people. Yes this is judgmental and unkind but I do not care. The end.

Back on the horse

The bad news is that I am still fat and Laura's wedding in less than two months away. I am going to knock off a couple of lbs by then. The good news is that I lost 11lbs since the last time I started weight watchers and have decided to start again. I have thought many times about erasing this blog but I didn't and I am glad I didn't because this is my weight loss journey and I knew it would be hard. So here I am starting again. If you still read this, please let me know....and pray.

A new drug( this is going to be a long and rambly post)

Well not really a new drug. Just the same old one that people have been using from at least jesus's time. I am referring to the demon liquor. Yes, I will admit I am under the influence. Obviously not completely wasted because I can put thoughts together which doesn't happen when I am drunk. I am however a little tipsy and I must say that I feel pretty good.I need to feel good right now. Work is stressful and the whole grandfather dying soon is extremely sad and stressful.I am fond of get6ting slightly drunk every now and then to take the edge off life. Do I feel guilty? No. In fact, I think it is perfectly healthy and normal to get drunk every now and then. I used to use alcohol in much more of a dangerous way. Before I was married. When I was suicidal and bulimic. I remember sitting in my room at 12 Rose Hall (when I lived with Elis and Elizabeth back in the late 90's early 2000's)(for those of you who do not know) and just drink hard liquor that tasted terrible straight from the bottle with the intention of getting drunk as quickly as possible. I usually ended up crawling to my bathroom and puking most of the night away. Those were the days of still trying to find out who I was and what I was going to do with my life. I had a stupid nothing job and hadn't had a relationship since the 7th grade. Oh wait, I should warn you that the drink I am drinking now is incredibly strong and therefore this post will probably stop making sense pretty soon. So let me just say that I am interested to see what I have to say when I am drunk. Anyway, when I decided to go to YWAM I put drinking and pot smoking and making myself puke intentionally behind me and promised to walk the straight and narrow. That worked for awhile.

And now that some more alcohol has hit my blood stream I feel the overwhelming urge to talk about my dear husband Michael. I am married and I have a husband. That is crazy. I thought that I would NEVER find my husband. I didn't even settle. He is perfect for me and I love him more every day. I literally thought that I would be single forever. My friends can attest to that. It seemed to happen for everyone but me(and Elizabeth) and we honesty thought we would be forever alone(together). (hey if you are going to be a spinster you might as well be with someone who understands and makes you laugh). I mean, I remember always having these moments where I would just feel this complete and utter loneliness. I would be on the balcony of my grandparents condo when everyone else was asleep just listening to the waves and looking at the lights of Naples, Florida feeling this overwhelming emptiness and longing to be in love. Or being in love with someone and longing for them to love me back.Things seem to hit me especially hard when I was lying in bed on a summer night. The attic fan drowning out all noise except for my thoughts. I still get kind of queasy thinking about that yearning to be loved. The strange thing is that I felt that incomplete horrible loneliness for 20 some years. Michael comes back into my life) after 10 years of no contact after high school) and that all goes away instantly. Jeez, I love that dude.



What do I feel like writing about now? Ummmmmmm, Well I really love lime juice. It is my new thing. I like lime juice with triple sec, water and vodka. In the right amounts it makes a kamikaze. I think I use more lime juice and you aren't suppose to add water. When I make it it tastes kind of like lemonade. Limeade... with a tiny kick. I didn't add water to this drink so it is much stronger.

So now I feel like talking about random things that pop into my mind. I miss my friends. Elizabeth, Jessica, Elis,Laura, Nina. I know that you read this and I want to say that I miss you. I feel so secluded up here. Jessica's life is so glamorous and exciting and I feel like I haven't been a part of it in so long. I used to spend time everyday with Elizabeth when we lived together and when we didn't we still spent a couple of hours a week together. ARG, I miss my girls so much I could cry. That isn't just the booze talking. and dearest Nina, we used to write each other several times a day. Oh how our emails even now make me laugh. I do realize that life is just like that. relationships move in cycles and just because things aren't the way they were doesn't mean that things won't ever be good again. I just miss my friends. I am going to stop writing now because I really am feeling kind of drunk and don't want to bore my faithful readers. I will write again when I am feeling a little more sober.

Sadness

It is 3:48am and I can't sleep. I was told by Darby who spent the yesterday with my grandparents that my grandfather is really not doing well. I have been told this before in fact, he was given 6 months to live like 9 years ago. However, this time is really is not doing well. This time he really feels like he isn't going to live to see his next birthday. His birthday is next week. I am heartbroken as is the rest of my family. My grandfather, Poppop, has been such a huge part of our lives. Some people aren't close to their grandparents at all or even their parents for that matter but my family is very close and the imminent death of such a wonderful close person to me is really very traumatic.
Please also pray for me because I feel very isolated and alone and that makes me feel so much worse.

Yay!

So things are going well right now financially due to the fact that Mike and I are both working our butts off. It is awesome to be able to see the fruits of our labors. We are paying our bills, we bought a nice washer and dryer, we got our cars which is awesome(both pre owned of course) we are slowly getting the house in shape and yesterday I finally got a Wii. HOORAY!!!! Now, if I can just find Wii fit in stock. Keep your eye out and let me know if you see it.

I truly thank God that he has blessed us with the jobs that we have especially with the economy kind of iffy right now. Who knows where things will be in the future but as for now...things are good. It scares me to say that because I feel like when you admit that things are good things suddenly turn horrible. I am going to pray and trust that that does not happen.

Now, all I need is a baby, lose weight, get my house looking cute, and things will be perfect.

The ordeal

UGH. Mike is away in Chicago for a business trip and that always makes me sad. For some reason I always seem to have a crisis when he is gone. This time has been no exception.

Last night, after being at the school for 14 hours and just finding out that this overwhelming schedule is going to last longer than I thought due to a teacher quitting, I make it home around10:30 and I pretty much just want to take a shower, say hi to that cats, and go to sleep. I pull in to the back yard and shut the gates behind me and I feel a little sad an skittish because Mike always waits outside for me when I get home late. I walk into the house an the stink of the trash can hits me. Apparently, I need to take the trash out. I go into the living room to turn the air down because it is so hot and stinking and my cats are there meowing their hellos. Fiona, dear little sweet orphaned six fingered paws furry little purry snuggly drooling kneady(kneading), FIONA, is batting at something. I think it is a toy...until I saw that it is a MOUSE! and a not quite dead one. I scream. Fiona looks at me confused because obviously this is a present for me. Shit. So I try to, between my screams, thank her sweetly, and tell her that that was so nice of her to bring me a present(scream) but (OH GOD LET IT JUST DIE) I am (!((#(@()#, why isn't Mike here) just kind of scared of (scream cause it twitches again) of mice. I scream again and she and figgy dart upstairs. I then have to figure out how to get this dying mouse out of my house. I am sweating, I am cussing and I am crying. I am calling Mike frantically and he is not picking up. I know no one here and besides it is late at night. I am mad that this is happening. I begin to hyperventilate. I try to get a hold of myself with a lot of,"Ok, get it together, you can do this) Finally, after a breakdown and figuring out how to get it out I put the poor little dying mouse in a cup...screaming (me not the mouse) into the trash outside. I keep thinking I see other mice and am still sobbing at this point. I take a shower try to coax the cats out from under my bed and try to make Fiona feel better about her present. I also told her that it was a really good thing to get the mouse cause they shouldn't be in the house. I am still freaked out and frankly a little afraid to go downstairs. Another ten hour day of classes calls. Gotta go.

Thoughts

My head hurts. Yesterday Mike and I attended the 10 year anniversary and renewal of wedding vows of our friends, Heather and Chuck. It was a full on wedding because they never had one. It was beautiful and we were pleased to be a part of it. We didn't know too many people there besides Brian and Nina, Darby, Linds and Collin, Sarah and Jacob and Kate Dudley. It was still really fun.

This past week Mike and I were on vacation. We spent time with family and spent the night in Atlantic City at Trump Plaza. Mike won $208.00 at the slot machines. It was pretty exciting. He stopped while he was ahead.

I am excited to see Jen and Dave's baby girl and Susan and Jason's son. Babies are fun. I seriously hope we can have one one day soon.

This was a lame post but like I said, my head hurts.

Gardens

I love plants and flowers and my dream was to someday have an awesome garden of my own in my new house. wahwahwaaaaaaaah. Most of my plants have either died or are knocking at deaths door. My rose bushes are doing well and one azalea is hanging on for dear life. The other beautiful white azalea that my favorite mother in law gave me is mostly dead with one or two leaves with just a hint of green. I am praying for it to resurrect.

My dad's dad used to have beautiful flowers. My dad has beautiful flowers. My Mother in law has beautiful flowers. My flowers are not beautiful right now. I have hope.

On another note... I think my cell phone might be in Mike's car and he has been gone a long time at the store. I am worried but I can't call him cause I don't have my phone.

The end

Learning about me

I have a phobia. A true phobia is an intense irrational fear. It doesn't make sense. I have a dog ownership phobia. I literally cannot handle it. I love dogs. I love all animals. I want to own a dog. No wait...I want to be able to own a dog. I cannot own a dog. I get an adorable pup. I am fine for about an hour. I look at the dog and my heart starts pounding. My mouth goes dry. My chest closes up. I start to feel like I am going to faint. I have to have a way out. I have to have a way out. I must take the dog back. I am then consumed with getting the dog back to the owner. If I can't get a hold of that person I have a panic attack. I can't keep the dog. It makes me feel like a failure. I feel like a psycho.

O.C. 2008

Mike and I just got back from our annual family fun at Ocean City. It was fun as usual but it was better this year because we all stayed longer. We swam in the ocean, chilled in the sun, played putt putt golf(I came in 2nd and got a hole in one) played farkel and had lots of laughs. The only downside was the severe sunburn I and only I got. I did put on 45 sunblock but for some reason it didn't work. Could have been my meds. I attached a photo of me in the car with my red face. the rest of me is even worse.

How things are going

Here is a little update on my life. I started working days and nights last week and will continue doing it for the next 4 weeks. Tues-Thurs I work 8-2 and then 6-10. It is rough. Mondays I work til 2 and I don't work Fridays...which rocks.When I am not stressed about gas prices I go home in between but I work 45 minutes away and there is a small toll one way. Sometimes the 2 hours at home is worth it sometimes it isn't. I knew that it would have to be a temporary thing when I took the night class but I didn't know I would feel so bad so quickly. because of my fibromyalgia it is hard for me to recuperate and I need a lot of down time in order to feel OK. I haven't been getting that down time and my body has been yelling at me. It is kind of sad because I like my night class so far. I will explain later about the general population of my school. God is totally working on my patience and my attitude towards certain types of people. Like I said, I will explain later. Anyway, the money is nice and I will miss it when I go back to just working days.

Monetarily things are going well and I am looking forward to getting things for the house and making it feel more like home. It is cute by nature but I think some new furniture and some cool curtains and stuff will make it amazing.

I was off the wagon with losing weight but I am planning on trying a little harder since I am in the wedding of someone I love in October. That someone is Laura. Even though I will be the fattest one I don't seem to care that much because Mike loves me for who I am. That is amazing to me.

That is all I have to say for now.

Infuriating

Ok, so Lately I have been trying to be laid back and not let things get to me. Today, I lost my cool. We have been waiting for our deposit from Hampton Gardens to come in the mail and we were expecting to receive our full 690.00 back or at least most of it. Today we received the check. It was for 70.00. SEVENTY. I called them and tried to remain calm but I lost it. I lost it when the lady said that no matter what condition the apartment was left in you have to pay a 345.00 repainting fee. Apparently it was in our lease and we failed to see it there. I will be checking the lease because that is a HUGE thing to miss.

The second infuriating thing was that they charged us 125.00 to steam the carpets. Apparently there was a check list that we were given which stated that we needed to have them cleaned. We never received a check list and they have no proof that we received one. They have proof that they sent one but not that we received it. That is insane.

The last thing that really pissed me off was that they said that our appliances were disgusting and charged us 150.00 to clean them. That is the most insulting thing to say to someone who spent several hours working their ass off to clean a place. I asked for the pictures.

If I knew that they were going to keep all the money I wouldn't have cleaned it at all. I know that sounds mean but I seriously would not have wasted my time. I hate those people. I wish I didn't but I do. I still feel so angry. Obviously. Hopefully I will chill out again. Sorry for the rant.

Oh by the way, if you have something to say like...you should have read the lease better or anything else that isn't, "you are right and they are wrong" please for my sake, keep it to yourself. This is my blog and I am in the mood to rant so if it offends you...don't read it.

A new post

So here is a new post though I don't feel like I have too much to say. Mike and I are settling in to the house. We love the house and are getting used to living in the city. It is noisy and we have to pick up trash in our yard constantly but we seem to live on a good street with some nice people.

As most of you know. I don't have the puppy anymore. She is a great little pup but I started working nights at my job(plus days) and sometimes am gone for 16 hours a day. I just didn't think it was fair to her. Cats can handle being alone. Puppies can't.

Anyway, because I took on nights at the school I don't work at the chiropractic office anymore. I am happy about that because it was getting too difficult to work all day and then actually do massages at night.

So, that's it for now.

The move

Tomorrow with the help with some of the most faithful friends we will be moving into our new house. The truck is being picked up at 7:30am and we are loading all the big stuff and some boxes.

Seriously, moving is a complete drag. We have moved like 6 times since we have been married,I hate moving as I am sure most people do but it is even more horrible when no one wants to help you. It feels like you are alone in the world and no one really cares about you. I am not angry about this but just sad. Mike is a helper by nature. He offers to help people and always steps up to help even if it is something that he isn't keen on doing. He has helped several people in the church with things. We didn't ask the church for help this year because last year no one offered to help. I sent email after email begging and pleading and no one responded. At the women's retreat someone asked me if I anyone had responded and I told them no. It was embarrassing to say that no one responded. I think that that incident hurt me and actually played a roll in us kind of leaving the church this past year.

With that being said, we do have some fantastic friends helping tomorrow. People who have helped us move virtually every time we have moved. Our MVPs Bill and Elis, have moved to New York and we will miss them terribly. Not because we need the help moving but because we know that they would be here helping if they could. That means the world to us. They have literally helped us in pouring rain, sweltering heat, and without complaining. True friends indeed. Our other MVPs Jason and Susan will be here tomorrow. They have helped us so much in the past too. Collin split his calf open with a chainsaw and is helping us move. Brian has helped us move before and helped us in renting the truck. It is these faithful friends that are there through thick, thin and moving that truly make us feel loved.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that my friends that aren't helping us move don't love us and vice versa. I have some amazing friends who have been there through thick and thin and have showed us love in many other ways. I am not trying to make those people feel bad. We know people have good reasons for not helping and like I said, I am not trying to make anyone feel bad. I am just thinking out loud.

So here is to hoping that this is the last move for awhile. and here's to those who are helping us move...YOU ROCK!

More pictures of Lulu

I think she is just the cutest thing so naturally I wanted to share the pictures that were sent to me. Look at that face. Look at those white puppy paws. Don't you just want to give her a little kiss? Yeah, I thought so.

Farkel

I love games. I am always up for playing a game unless it is some game that makes me use my brain too hard and I feel stupid. In early March a couple of us DiNatale kids were spending the weekend at the Homestead AKA my parents house. Lindsay and Collin introduced us to Farkel. Farkel is this extremely fun dice game that is reminiscent of bunko and Yahtzee. It is a game of chance and risk taking and is completely addictive.I am not going to go into the details of how you play because that would be boring. Just know that it is fun and everyone must try it.

Lindsay gave me Ultimate Farkel for my birthday. We have played it with friends and we love it. There are a ton of different varieties (Linds and Col have Froggy Farkel) but they are all equally fun.

Give it a try. You will thank me.

The house

So some people have been asking about the house. What does it look like? Where is it? So I thought I would answer some questions and maybe post a picture or two.

The house is a 3 bd 1 bath townhouse in the Tacony-Wissinoming section of Northeast Philadelphia. It is the second from the last unit on the right side of a one way street. It has a little yard in the front which mainly consists of a small hill sloping down to the sidewalk. There is grass there and a rose bush that has been trimmed way back. I hope it still will bloom. There is an open porch and a storm door as well as the regular door.

You walk into the living room and the stairs are to your left. It is an oddly shaped room so it will probably be used more for a sitting room than anything else. This room leads straight to a dining room and that leads straight to the kitchen. There is a back door which leads to a smallish fenced in rear yard. Right now the yard is gravel because they had been using as a parking spot. I want a garden back there.

When you walk upstairs there is a room in front of you, a room to your right, the bathroom and then a room behind you in the front of the house. We are going to use one of these rooms as the place to watch tv and listen to music. The bathroom has a claw-foot tub.

The outside of the house is all light colored brick. The end.

Tallulah Belle AKA Lulu

I told you that I would post a better picture of my puppy and here it is. As you can see she is quite the cutie. She is so young that she will look different when I get her. She will have curly hair because it is already starting to be wavy. I am posting this because today is my birthday and she is my birthday present. I had to look at her picture again because she is just so cute.

My birthday

Wow. I am going to be 31 tomorrow. That is nuts. If you know me you know my birthday is a big deal. I am not making a big deal over my birthday this year. Usually I have a party and invite my closest friends and make them tell me what they like about me. It is called the circle of love. I love making people tell me what they like about me but apparently it was slightly stressful for some people.

My mom has been making me a cake shaped like a bunny for 31 years. Actually there was one year that I wanted a princess party with a princess cake. I think I was 6 or 7. It wasn't as good as the bunny cake. Every year my family would wake me up by singing happy birthday and bringing me presents and breakfast in bed. Angel delight donuts from dunkin donuts. Angel creme with chocolate on top. After I recovered from the sugar shock I could do whatever I wanted for the whole day. I never had to go to school. I could order my family around. Anything goes on your birthday.

I picked out a puppy for my birthday present. She is this adorable little black maltipoo with white feet and white on her nose.In the pic above you obviously cannot see how cute her face is. I will get her when we have settled into a house and she is old enough to leave her momma. She isn't even walking yet. Anyway, I am not sure what to name her. Any suggestions?

That is all I feel like writing right now. I think I need to take a nap. I am feeling kid of ill.

LIBERATION!!!!!

Yea! We are out of the Horrocks Street deal. I breathe a huge sigh of relief but the stress is not out of my body yet. Obviously this now comes with the question of where we are now going to move. The tentative answer to that is Marsden Street. Ah, Marsden Street. Let me take you back to November 15th, I believe it was, when we did our one and only day of physical house hunting. We saw this house that we really liked and wanted to put an offer in. However, the seller said that they did not want to wait until March to close. So we moved onto the Horrocks house. Now it is March and the Marsden Street house is not only still for sale but it is 3000.00 cheaper. Hoo-ray! This house is slightly smaller but completely nicer. Already painted, new kitchen, new carpets and non of the huge blatant repairs. Obviously we are still having an inspector go out on Monday but there is no WAY it is in as crappy of a condition as the Horrocks place. This is slightly more expensive but in move in condition. We are seriously praying that this will work out. You can pray too if you want!

Oh well.

It has been so stressful the past couple of days. Most of you know by now that we indeed did NOT go to settlement on the house. The first issue was that the seller decided that she was going to send over the (already signed a month ago) agreement to our agent with the appliances scratched out, meaning she decided to take them. What made her think she could just scratch out something on an official signed document and send it over like it was no big deal is beyond me or anyone else sane for that matter. So we had to tell her to compensate us monetarily and our agent(who we are now painfully aware is not particular working in our best interest) told us to ask for 500.00(WHAT??!!) to replace the stove(which is by law in the state of PA mandatory), the refrigerator, the washer and dryer. Her idea was to get stuff on Craig's list. (Again I say WHAT??!!) Uh huh, nice. How do we transport it though? Of course we would have to rent a truck, plus gas and mileage, not to mention the time and effort it would take. We decided to ask for more money. Instead of giving us the money the seller decided to take the appliances back. Who knows if they have been damaged or if they still work. That is beyond angering to me.

The second and bigger issue is that the appraiser for the loan insurance came out and said that certain things need to be fixed before they will insure the loan. Therefore we were asked by our agent (again, where are her priorities?) to fix the stuff for the seller and then be reimbursed. Ha ha ha ha ha ha...right. Put our money into a house that we don't own. Why on EARTH would we trust this seller who just tried to pull stealing the appliances? Mike told the agent that we don't trust the seller and that was the end of that. So, now we are waiting to hear if she is going to get off of her ass and fix the stuff that, if she would have just taken care of in the first place, we wouldn't be having this problem. Stupid stupid things that started off as just maintenance and now are full blown repairs because she didn't do these very small things.

Why did we just find out the night before settlement? Oh don't even get me started on the mortgage guy who has been so disorganized and nonchalant about everything that he literally just started working on our case last week. He only started working on it because I called him every 20 minutes to bug him.

You also may have heard by now that our contractor who gave us the bid for the major work that needed to be done is officially AWAL. His phone is off and he is not responding to email. Of course he probably bid low and of course he isn't around to do the work so we are probably screwed in that area too.

How did we get hooked up with these crooks and losers? Well, our agent I found through the Remax website. She then recommended both the contractor and the insurance guy. hmm. Kind of fishy.

If we had more time we would dump the lot of them and start over. However, we do have to be out of our apartment by the end of April and the mortgage guy has all of our information.

There is another house that we have been interested in am actually hoping that this house from hell falls through. Doesn't that say something? That I am praying for this deal to fall through? I personally feel like it means we should just move on. The only thing keeping us on this house is the fact that it is a great deal. (besides all the other crap that is going on).

UGH! For the love of Benji, can this just be over. I know that buying a house is stressful and everyone runs into snafus. But is this not excessive? C'mon, seriously.

Please just pray for us.

update

I know there were some things I was updating about regularly and I haven't been very good about doing that. Here is a brief update.

Weight Watchers- not much to report. Still counting points though I haven't had a very good week. I only went swimming once. This is all due to some drama we have been having with the house.

The House- Some of you knew that Jason and Collin were helping us out by investing in the house so that we could pay the upfront costs as well as get good rates on the mortgage. It turns out that I have good credit and Mike has fair credit and therefore it was a better deal financially for us to get the mortgage on our own. We are getting a really good rate and paying monthly not much more than we are now for rent. We are getting a good chunk of money for the repairs and a lot of seller assistance.One truly God ordained thing is that Mike got a big bonus on Friday that will pay for the majority of our closing cost. We go to settlement on Tuesday. One thing that is a big issue is that the contractor who gave us the estimate for the repairs is now MIA. Seriously, his phone number is out of order. We need another one in order to get the work done so we can move in.

That is all for now.

Oh Man!

Darby just sent me this. How can anyone be grumpy when there is a pensive tiger on the loose.(who's fur looks a tad too small)

Back to black

Do you know how horrible it feels to be depressed when you know that you should be happy? Everything is going well and I am getting all that I wanted,all that I thought would make me happy and because I am fucking mentally ill nothing seems good. I just want to claw at my insides. I want to take a knife to the part that is hurting right now and pop it out of my chest. Don't try to point out the good in my life because I know it is there. That is the problem. I know I should be happy.

Well, as you can tell. I am not well. I am back on the fucking lexapro.

Jealous...yet again

I am having one of those days where I feel so inadequate and mediocre. Wait let me start over.
I am a lover of the arts. I am a lover of creativity. I am a lover of money. I am a lover of compliments. Therefore I am extremely jealous of those people who are creative and make cute fun creative things and then sell them for money and have people rave about how cool they are. I am just so not extremely talented and I really just want to be. I wish someone would just teach me how to do something cool so I can amaze people and have people snatch up all the stuff I make. I want to write songs that people think are great. I want to be super good at SOMETHING.

Nice

I finally hit the 5lb lost mark on Weight Watcher's . Whew. that was tough. It will hopefully be easier without the lexapro holding me back. So I have lost about 8lbs altogether. I am happy with that and it gives me hope for the future.

In other news, we go to settlement on the house in 20 days. I am very excited.

Also, Mike said that if I stop biting my nails and let them grow out I can get a puppy. Sucka! I can do that... no sweat. We can't get a pup until we move into the house and we are looking for a small breed. Hopefully a rescue and probably older. If you know of any looking for a home give me a shout.

Jealous

I am having a jealous day. I wish I wasn't. jealousy is one of the most horrible feelings on earth and I know that I struggle with it. These are the things I am jealous of today.

1. On the Weight Watchers community board there was a lady who was disappointed that she is only losing 3lbs a week and wanted advice as to how to lose weight faster. Idiot. Jerk. Insensitive bitch. These are the horrible things that I said to her in my head. Then I realized that I was jealous that I wasn't losing weight faster. Even though I still think the idiot thing applies because losing weight faster than 2bls a week is dangerous and insensitive because no one else seems to lose that fast. However, I know my negative feelings are truly fueled by jealousy.

2. I am jealous of my pregnant friends. There are so many of them working on their second children while I am having a hard time conceiving my first. Of course I am happy for them...no really I am....it is just hard for me to really feeeeeeeel the happiness because I am jealous.

I guess that is it for now. I am trying to reconcile my feelings and be happy for what I have and to have hope for the future that I will get what I want.

Things to be happy about

I am feeling depressed and achy and tired and sick in my stomach and sad that I am not pregnant so I will make a list of things that I am happy about and hopefully I will start to feel happy. I am not going to list the usual stuff that goes without saying like, God and family and friends. I am going to go kind of surfacing and not deep cause I can't think deeply right now.

1. I was able to clean the kitchen today and it felt good
2. I had some tasty tuna and crackers for lunch
3. I am sticking to my points and feeling good with Weight Watchers
4. I don't have to work today and I am going to take a nap in a minute
5. Mike said I might be able to rescue a dog for my birthday after we move into our house.
This is an improvement from when he told me no firmly and said end of discussion.
I probably won't get one but it nice to know that it is a possibility.
6.We go to settlement on the house in less than a month
7. The withdrawal from Lexapro is actually going better than I anticipated
8. I didn't get Mike's sickness
9.I am going to spend time with family this weekend
10. My tulips from Mike look especially beautiful today

They might be a stretch but I did the best I can

Britney Spears

Can I just say that I like Britney. I like her songs and I feel really sorry for her. I have this bad feeling that she is going to end up dead before too long. Have you every listened to Everytime? It is a really beautiful song and it just makes me want to cry. Of course everything makes me want to cry these days.

Going off Lexapro

Wow. It is insane. On Saturday morning I had one of my withdrawal meltdowns. Sobbing, sobbing, hypervenilating, sobbing, shaking, can't understand words. My whole body hurts like someone has been pummeling me from all sides and stabbing me in the back. My breasts hurt like I am pregnant. I get really overwhelmed really quickly and then I snap. It is literally like I cannot wrap my head around simple things. Then I take a bit of Lexapro and it is ok. So as of now I take 10mg when I am experiencing withdrawal...every couple of days. Then I will go down to 5mg....ETC. I used to take 20mg a day. I have read that people gain 70lbs in a year on Lexapro. So I am not that strange. I can't write anymore.

The Beach

Mike and I decided to go to the beach today. I think Mike needed a change of scenery due to illness and we both needed some fun time together. We went to the Jersey shore and it was lovely. It was also really cold so we didn't stay too long because of the aformentioned illness. It was great to be there though. Water is one of my favorite things on earth especially in the form of the ocean. That is one reason why I called this blog Oceans...cause I love the ocean. Ok, enough of that. Anyway, it is very cathartic and it always makes me feel like I spent some time in therapy. We are going to head back when it gets a little warmer.

I love Tulips

Tulips are my favorite flower and despite the fact that he has the flu, Mike ordered me some and had them to to the house for Valentine's Day. What a good man.














The Figs likes tulips too.

Da Flu

I didn't get a flu shot this year. I have actually never gotten the flu shot and I don't remember ever getting the flu. Mike on the other hand got paid to get the shot. His company literally paid the employees to get the flu shot. You know what else Mike got? The flu. He has it right now and he is miserable. If you know Mike you know that he rarely takes off work and never for sickness unless he is feeling really bad or if he is afraid of infecting others. Yesterday I got a call and it sounded like a bear was on the line, "babe, can you pick me up" I said , "Do you feel sick"? and he said"That is correct". I think only Mike would say that is correct when he was feeling so badly. I picked him up and he was kind of cranky. I cut him some slack and made him some lunch. I then told him to take a nap. He was less cranky after his nap. I went to work and came back and the poor guy was wearing two sweatshirts and a hat and was bundled up under blankets. It was all I could do to not laugh at him because he looked hilarious. I figured it wasn't a good idea to make fun of the sicky. Anyway, Mike called off of work today and has been asleep all day. I went into check on him and he asked me a question. Before I could finish my sentence he was asleep again. Poor baby.

Weight Watchers

I started weight watchers online and a new blog to go with my weight loss journey. However, not everyone will have access to that blog. My point in saying this is that I might post some stuff from that blog on here but not the really honest stuff...like how much I weigh. This blog is public and I don't feel like sharing all of my secrets with everyone. um, that is all I want to say right now.

I am doing it...and I need all the help I can get.

I just weighed myself for the first time in a long time and I am heavier than I ever thought possible. Instead of getting depressed and doing nothing I am going to be aggressive. I started counting calories and have set the reasonable goal of losing 147 lbs by August 2009. I am swimming three times a week and I am going to try to drink 640z of water a day. I am not cutting out sugar completely but I am going to try to incorporate better foods into my diet and only have a small amount of sugar a day until I am off of it.

I need my friends to pray for me. This is something I really want and need to do.

Hip hip!

Yay! The owner accepted our offer! We are (lord willing) going to be home owners! We go to settlement on March 15th. Mike and I are really excited. Thanks to all of you for the encouragement and prayers.

waiting

I hate waiting. I feel like I have been waiting for my whole life. I know I should be patient but I just feel like I need to know now. It just kind of sucks when you have to wait for an answer about one thing before you can move on to another thing. The house for instance. It has been nearly 1 month since we told the agent that we wanted to put in an offer.She needs to really get on the ball. I know that the price of the house is just a drop in the bucket compared to some sales she is probably dealing with but good grief. She will tell us we need something so we work really hard to get it thinking that that is what she needs to make the offer and then I won't hear from her so I assume she has made the offer. A couple of days later I will catch up with her and ask her what is going on and she will be like, "oh, I need this too". Sometimes she tells us she needs something that we have never heard of but she insists that she sent it twice already. Sometimes we will send her things a couple of times and she will say she never got it. It is so frustrating. I wish it could just be simple. We can't find another agent cause she has all of our information. We can't look at other houses because she might make the offer. It is just all up in the air. We need to tell our apartment management whether we are leaving in April but we don't want to do that until we know for sure that we have a house. This is just so annoying to me. I know people have said it is stressful to buy a house but... jeez.

Wishes for 2008

When I was turning 28 my mom asked me what I wanted for that year. I said, "Um, to be engaged". She laughed and said,"Maybe you should find a guy first". 7 Months later I was married. I didn't try to make that happen but Mike and I went on our first date a couple of days later and the rest is history. That was two years ago and I haven't made any big wishes out loud since. So I was thinking that I would make some wishes and share them on my blog.

So what do I want for 2008? Well, let's see...I want to own a nice cozy house and I want to have a baby. Too tall of an order? I think not. If God can let me go from never having a serious boyfriend to being married in 7 months I really think he can handle those two requests. I am excited. Next year this time we will see if my wishes for 2008 came true.