I think I have embraced living in the city. I have started taking dexter for daily, albeit short, walks around the block and I have met some nice people.
I also put a wreath on the dilapidated wood fence in the back. You know, make it look like I am really into the shabby chicness of the thing.I also painted a little bird feeder and stuck in in the yard. I am wondering if that was a bad idea. I forgot that birds like to poop. I forgot that Dexter likes to eat stuff on the ground. Do you catch my drift?
Speaking of eating poop. Dexter Dog is pretty huge now and can efficiently hop over the gate that blocks the stairs in a single bound. If he gets up enough speed around the corner he can clear it without knocking it down. He sort of prolongs the moment when he is stretched out mid air to make himself look like a horse effortlessly jumping a fence. He usually lands clumsily but he doesn't care. I have to race after him because he is fast. Like the wind. If I don't catch him in time he will dash to the litter box and grab a huge turd. putrid.
He is really kind of naughty. I try to discipline him like mike does because he listens to mike. He is just so darn adorable. I try to get mad at him for stealing paper and ripping it up. But he just does it with such passion. ripping and tearing and growling and showing that paper towel who is boss. I try to get mad at him for taking a running jump and landing on me when I am on the sofa but then he plops down on my lap and licks my hand. He is just too cute.
Well, I best go get the little guy from his time out. Yes, he gets time outs in his crate. I'll let you know how that works out.

much happier

I have seemed to emerge from a gloomy mist of sorts. I feel like I can breathe more freely. I feel like it is ok to be happy and laugh with friends. I am enjoying doing thing that are social without feeling self conscious and weird.

I feel like I can have fun and enjoy life without smoking pot and drinking. I'll be honest for the last year I have really been using substances as a crunch. The other night at the celebration of a dear, dear friend, we were going around the circle of love and saying what we loved about her or what we admired about her.This friend has gone though some severe trauma this past year. One friend said that one thing he admired was that this friend chose to walk in love and make good choices when so many others when faced with trauma make bad choices. It's really true. I on the other hand, when faced with any trauma, chose to abuse substances. Alcohol, marijuana, zanax. Not good choices. I am getting better. I haven't smoked anything in maybe 3 months. I still drink. I am trying to drink less. I didn't drink at all yesterday. That is good for me.

I'm working on other things too. Working on not being hateful in my thoughts. I am working on being kinder in general. Like, in my heart, not just on the outside. I feel better when I am kinder.

Horrible and selfish

That is all I can say about myself the last few months. I would say maybe since right about November. yes. November seems about right. It was like a demon crawled into my body aontrolled my mind and thoughts and made me really really VERY self centered when family and friends were going through the hardest time in their life. I started off unselfishly. My thoughts and deeds were pure in intention.I tried to be loving and honest and kind and then it was like Gollum with the ring in Lord of the rings. He wanted to be kind to Frodo but this demon just kept taking over and making him act really selfishly. I started to shut myself off from people who needed me to be open. I started surrounded myself with unkind people. I made choices that were self destructive and painful to those that love me most. Those I loved tried to tell me I wasn't seeing things clearly. They said that I was only seeing things from my view. I knew it and I told them I knew it but I held on to that selfishness with such tenacity that when someone tried to take it away I would lash out at them.

The other day I had a conversation with a sister of mine. This sister just sort of reiterated what the other sister has been saying since November. They love me. They always have. They always will. But I need to look past my pain and see things from the other side.

I decided that that was true. Then all of a sudden it was like the demon left my body. I kind of just started crying. Crying for my friend who was crushed. Crying because I wasn't supportive enough. Crying because I was the kind of person that I don't want to be. Crying because I know I can do better. Be better. I am better. Better than that behavior and those thoughts and actions.

So, I just want to apologize and say I was wrong. SO totally wrong and I will hopefully never be that selfish and blinded by my own feelings of hurt again.

Happy and hopeful

I am feeling pretty good lately. We had a wonderful time in Cincinnati. It was so weird, it was 9 hours a way but it felt like home to me. I felt like it was so peaceful and clean and I just felt really happy. We were staying with friends in the suburbs in the Maineville area. Mike has been friends with Paul for years. They both were raised in Delaware and ended up in Cincinnati. Mike was in Paul and Sonya's wedding and his kids call him Uncle Mike. I am Aunt Merry to them. It seems funny cause not even Lyric and Ollie call me Aunt. I met them before Mike and I got married but I then when through my social anxiety phase and didn't see them again until this trip Sonya and I are kindred spirits. It is crazy how much we have in common and how we really reconnect. Paul is awesome and really is so gifted with photography and design. Anyway, we all really get along.

I was planning on writing more but of of a sudden I don't feel like it anymore. Sorry.

Failing

I feel like I am failing at somethings. First, my health. I am sick and I have been in a lot of pain with my fibro. I feel like I am making bad choices and not taking care of myself. I was doing really well with not eating sugar and now it is like I can't stop eating it. I haven't been swimming in awhile and I have been drinking a lot of vodka lately.

I feel like I am failing with Dexter a bit. He is being crazy lately and I keep telling myself that he is only 3 1/2 months and he will not turn out to be a bad unruly dog. Today, looking at the scratches on my hands I'm not so sure.

I'm failing at being a Christian. I feel like I am not even sure what I believe anymore and I don't want to go to hell. I want to believe in the things I used to but they seem so unbelievable and not in a good way.

I'm failing at being a good wife. the house is always messy and I can't work more than 2 weeks out of the month without feeling bad physically and emotionally.

I'm failing at being a friend. Or at least it seems that way. I feel like no one wants to be with me, confide in me or invite me places anymore.

So that's how I am feeling today.

March 29,2010

I feel like I need to just write cause my mind is feeling jumbled up and I hate that.

I would say that peace is one of the things I value most in life. Peace and quiet. In my mind, please and also in my neighborhood. I don't get to really say what goes on in my surroundings too often but I should have a say what goes on in my mind. I would like to have peace. For the most part I have peace. Then something happens and I start to get anxious as which point I could let it snowball into a full blown panic attack or nip it in the bud. I've been nipping things pretty well lately. Just thought I'd let you know.

I would really like to move out of the city to a place that is clean, safe and quiet. A place that has a yard with grass.

Fiona is sitting on my shoulder and purring. I really love this girl.

Right now

I used to be able to come up with better titles. Heck, I used to be able to come up with better posts. Not so just now. I feel like I just need to get out what I want to say and don't feel like taking the time and effort I need to make it sound interesting and/or poetic. I don't think I was ever poetic exactly, just maybe a little more interested in making my posts well...fun to read. I feel like my creative side has been squashed for awhile. I guess because I have other things to take up my time these days. That makes me sad. Anyway, here is what is happening with me.

Dexter. That is what is happening. He is an adorable puppy that I love. He will be 10 weeks on Saturday and for the most part is training well. He gets sit. He mainly goes potty outside. He is much better at not biting us and responding to the word NO. He is not very good at not barking at the cats and biting their butts. He sleeps through the night. Did I mention he bites the cat's butts? Oh yeah, I did. He bites the cats butts. Sorry, it is kind of funny to me.

Birthday. Thursday.33. Not having a party this year. I kind of wish I was but I am too tired to plan one.

That's all for now.

March

March has usually meant good things for me. First of all, my birthday which is March 25th. Every year I would have a party of some sort and it was always magical. A whole day just for me. I got what I wanted to eat all day, received awesome presents and never had to go to school. I was truly in charge for the day. When I was a little older I started the circle of love. That was when everyone sat around and said what they like about me. We have been doing this for years and years and I never heard about any other family doing this until recently. I personally feel that you should always tell people what you like about them but especially on the person's birthday. This year I will be 33. I say that I can't believe it every year but this year I really cannot. 33. Holy smokies. Anyway, birthdays are fun for me so I am glad that it is coming up.

Secondly, spring. I think we are all ready for a good dose of warm weather and pretty flowers. I did pray for a snowy winter but...sheesh. I am also praying for a beautiful spring that lasts a good three months. None of this straight from winter to summer crapola. I want warm weather, please.

Thirdly, puppy will be here on Saturday. I am excited though, obviously, a little nervous about my past failures. I know this time will work out because well...it has to. I am making it work out. No more of this quitting stuff.

In other news, I officially switched to the Philadelphia campus of my school. I now teach the evening class there and it is really working out for me. It is only about 15 minutes to get there though it would be less if there were not so many lights on the Blvd. It takes me about an hour if I am going 60 to the Wilmington branch which I have been doing for a year and a half. I am amazed at how my gas needle moves so much slower these days. I am really not a morning person at all and therefore this works out so well for me.

Ok, so that is my update. Sick of writing right now. sorry for typos...I don't feel like reading this to check for them.

more puppy pics of Dexter the baby Cockapoo.

He is just 4 weeks.

His little blue collar says my name on it.

Pup

So, this is the final puppy. He will be mine until death do we part. I will not be giving him away. So, I had to make sure I picked a cutie. Right now he is only a month old so I have until March 6 before I can pick him up. He is a Cockapoo and I am getting him from the same place Josh and Kristen got their pup. I am very excited and a little nervous but it will be ok.

Been awhile

Sorry it has been so long since I posted last but I kind of forgot I had a blog.

Here is what is going on with me right now. I have off until the 18th of Feb and then I work a lot.

I am getting a puppy on March 6th. Now you are probably thinking,"Is she nuts". No, I am not. I am working full force with Kim Champion and have no doubts that I can do this. We are addressing my anxiety but identifying the triggers and exposing them for the bigger issues they are. Mike is on board too and that is a huge difference. I do wish you all to pray because I attempting to overcome this huge hurdle in my life. This irrational fear, or phobia, has got to go. I won't be letting the fear dictate how I live my life anymore.

Also, I am doing well with my weight loss. Overall, I have lost 26lbs altogether so far and 10 since starting weight watchers again after Christmas. I am setting small goals for myself and have 8lbs until I reach my first goal.

I am not eating sugar or dairy and this is helping me a great deal.

So, there is my small update.

Hope

I have decided to start Weight Watchers online again because if I stick to it it works. I do have some trepidation because I have started with such hope before and then fizzled out when the going got tough. I am really needing to lose weight in a major sort of way. I am trying to take steps to see if I can have weight lose surgery covered by my insurance. I have major issues. Physically and emotionally. I really believe I will die early and/or end up crippled for good if I don't get the weight off soon.

So here are my goals...

Continue counseling with Kim Champion. I had issues that I thought were delt with but they are not.

Keep track of my food intake daily

Swim for at least 30 minutes at least 3x a week. Preferable 45 minutes 4 times a week.

I could use some support. I really could.

Today

It has been a really long time since I blogged so I thought I would do it today. Funny how I used to be so keen on blogging daily and now the thought of trying to organize my thoughts and to make them interesting seems completely overwhelming. I hate to not blog for a while and then pop up with complaints but I also hate to be dishonest about where I am. Well, here it is. Things are just really frustrating. From huge things to little things, I feel like nothing is going right. I had such high hopes for the new year and things have seemed to go backwards before I even got started on my good new year. Here are some of the little things...my computer is old and the keys don't work. So in any given sentence I have words with either too many lettrs or not enough. See, in the past sentence it left out the E in letters. Usually, it leaves out the letter E and doubles the lettr O. SEE!! Anyway, it is truly annoying to have to go back and fix everything.

Secondly, my phone with the QUERTY keyboard won't charge anymore and hasn't for about a month. My new evry two coms up next week but since it broke I have been using my old RAZR. It doesn't work well and there is no qwerty, so texting is a huge pain in the buttocks.

Thirdly, my dress for Elizabeth's wedding didn't fit. IT DIDN'T FIT! I had to get it taken out and am praying that it fits.

Fourthly, it basically didn't fit because I haven't gotten my period in 67 days so my stomach is totally bloated. AND I am an emotional wreck.

Fifthly, I hurt back back in a major sort of way.

Ok, enough complaints right now. I know that there are people going through really tough stuff and these complaints seem minor. But due to the hormonal issue it seems like my life really sucks.

Sorry, hopefully I will write something more cheerful tomorrow.

Christmas time is here

Yay. You know, it has been a tough year. Usually around this time I take stock of the year and the things that have made the year unique and frankly, I can't remember much. I do know that I am excited for this year to be over. I am excited to wipe the slate clean and start anew.

Christmas has always been so special to me. I mean, I would get so excited and even now have dreams that start in April about missing Christmas. I really want to enjoy the holiday season and I will share with you a few things that I am doing in order to REALLY enjoy christmas. Here is the list. Drum roll please.

1. I look at my Christmas tree a lot. Sounds dumb but I park myself in front of it and work on the computer or read or whatever. I make sure I look at every part and really let the colors soak into my eyeballs. We get our tree around the first of December so I have a good month or so to look at it. Now, I am a fan of colored (not African American) lights because they seem more festive and are nostalgic. We always had colored lights on our tree when I was little. My dad used to do the blinking light thing but we haven't tried that yet.

2. I listen to christmas music. From old classics to new favorites I inundate my ears until I can barely stand it. This way when Christmas is over I am really really ready for non Christmas music. There are four old favorites that we use to listen to every year 1. Perry Como 2. Gladys Knight and the Pips 3. The New kids on the Block 4. Amy Grant(Tennesee Christmas). Certain songs take me back to specific memories so I shut my eyes and feel like I am right there.

3. I watch Christmas movies. Favorites are 1. A Muppet Christmas Carol 2. It's a Wonderful Life 3. Elf 4. A Christmas Story. Those are my top four.

4. Decorate gingerbread house with my family. We do this every year and it always makes me so happy. It is just fun. We sit around the table eating candy, laughing and trying to make the intense "royal" frosting work on the houses.About half way through we stop making them look pretty and try to just shove as much candy on it as possible.

5. I buy stuff on line but go to stores to look at the christmas displays. This way it is the best of both worlds. You don't have to deal with cranky people or lines of fussy shoppers. Yoou don't have to fight for parking. I shop in front of my christmas tree. See how that works. Then when I feel like it and not in a time crunch I will go to the mall usually when many people aren't there and just stroll around.

So, there you have it. I want to write more but I am tired.

Today I can't pull myself out of the sadness. It makes it all the worse because so many others are experiencing more pain than I. That is the thing about chemical depression it can't really be explained other than something is wrong in my brain. I do the right things or at least I do as much as I can. I am taking my medicine. I am exercising albeit not as much as I should. I try to remember my blessings and not focus on bad stuff. It is just this sad fog in my brain. It's a chore to get out of bed. It takes a lot of energy to get showered and dressed. My body is in pain. I feel so guilty. Why can't I just be happy?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. (Prov 3.5-6).

Something I have read and heard a thousand times at least. The six pence none the richer song often plays in my head at times of turmoil. It is such a simple thing to ask someone to do. Trust me. You don't understand what is going on, so just trust ME because I do. Why can't I do that? I mean, He has never steered me wrong. I have never trusted God and then been let down. Why can't I just realize that I don't know what is going on? I need help. I mess things up...a lot. Recently, I have been making one mistake after another. I think I am making a good decision but then it blows up in my face. I think that I am doing well and then something or someone reminds me that, "you know what? you kind of suck." I do kind of suck at a lot of stuff. I have had a lot on my mind lately and when my brain is filled up with questions and tossing waves of obsessive thoughts I have a hard time doing things that I am supposed to do. Clean the house, do the dishes, go food shopping, deposit my paycheck. Even going swimming is a chore though I love to do it. Mike comes home for work and is just kind of sad that I didn't do anything. He isn't a jerk. He is wonderful but it makes him really sad when I don't take care of things he has trusted me to take care of. So, if I make Mike sad and he can't trust me to take care of things why do I trust myself to make things better for myself. Shouldn't I just trust the One who never gets things wrong? Who never let's any of us down? I should and I want to. Even just writing this gives me the hope that I will start to trust Him and have the peace that passes my understanding.

This is just a hard and crappy time for so many people. I hear something new everyday, about someone being ill or someone's child dying or other horribly sad things going on in the world. It is just so hard to have peace but we have to. We have to believe that there is Someone who knows what He is doing and that all things work together for good. I have to believe it. I do believe it.

right now

Thanksgiving is next week and I cannot believe it. In celebration I thought I would relive some Thanksgiving memories from my past.

I remember several Thanksgivings where I would wake up in the morning and my mother would already have the turkey in the oven and the smell would be permeating the house. One year she made this delicious date and nut bread that I slathered with butter. I made a huge glass of Nesquik, which we rarely had, and went to the spare bedroom to watch the Macy's parade. I think we usually had some family or friends over and when we ate I would eat way too much Turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy, stuffing(oyster stuffing is my favorite) cranberry sauce(the kind without whole berries and straight from the can, and pumkin or German chocolate pie for dessert. Then I would take a nap. For dinner we would have leftovers.

The end.

sooooorrrry.

So, maybe you have seen that I have been over dramatic lately. hyper sensitive, if you will. Well, you see, yes, be prepared to be shocked...I forgot to take my medicine, yet AGAIN. Why don't I just remember to take it and all will be well. When I take it I don't get offended easily, I don't blow up situations when they are really small. I don't want to quit my job or think I am getting fired when someone says something negative at work.Most importantly, I don't freak out and feel like I don't know my husband because he shaves his face or says one tiny thing that throws me off guard. ARGGG! Sorry, to all who have been affected by my non medicated behavior.

frowny face

You know, something has been on my mind lately and I need to get it out. Fat people have feelings too, damn IT. Seriously, you can't make fun of gay people, and rightfully so, without getting into a load of trouble, I got in trouble at work for calling a situation retarded, and if you say anything about someone who is physically handicapped you are a douche bag. So, why are people still allowed to say stuff about fat people? It is the subject of so many jokes and people think it is perfectly ok to say mean things about overweight people. Well, it hurts. Mike and I have been made fun of at various times of our lives for being overweight and it is really painful. Movies that are portraying an unattractive person always show someone who is really overweight. on Friends when it was "fat monica" she acted metally challenged, like you can't be normal or cool if you are overweight. Friends say to my face that it isn't a big deal and that overweight people can be attractive but they would never find someone who is overweight attractive. It makes me really angry.

Fatty, out.

paddled

I attended Christian school my whole life. I think that for the most part I had a good experience and am really grateful that my parents made the sacrifice to send us there. Mike's parents sacrificed a lot to send him to Christian school and I know he is grateful as well. Some of the things that I loved about Christian school was the sense that God was real. I mean, everyone I know believed that he was real and that Jesus was our savior and the answer to that age old question of what happens to you when you die. I knew where I was going. I knew that the answers to all my spiritual questions were in the Bible. It was a very secure feeling and for a kid in a unstable family that security was mighty nice.
The music/drama class was great. We put on children's musicals for Christmas and then again in the spring. It was so fun and those shows are some of my favorite memories.

There are of course things I didn't like as well but the main one I can think of is the corporal punishment. Paddling. I was paddled. Twice. Twice for things that were not paddle worthy in my mind. I was spanked by my teacher with a huge wooden paddle while the principal watched. It hurt and it was humiliating. I just got the chills thinking about it.
I believe that no one has the right to strike your child. I cannot believe it was legal.

That feeling of being paddled, that humiliation and pain still is very real and fresh.

Today, I feel like I was paddled. Not physically, but it hurt and humiliated me just the same.

I was going along fine minding my own business thinking everything is fine and then BAM! I got in trouble at work. Apparently some students complained about a few things. Some are true...I have a horrible habit of calling something retarded when I think it is wrong. Some were completely false. I tried to handle it but I just started crying. My boss felt bad. he was just doing his job. But it hurt. I cried all the way home and I cried at home. Mike brought me flowers and he cheered me up in other ways. I still feel like I got paddled. I feel like I always get in trouble. In essence it wasn't even a huge deal. It isn't like I am on probation or in big trouble or anything. I just feel at 32 that I am too old to get in trouble. Please tell me I am not the only one who still gets in trouble.

By the way, Mike just used the word retarded to describe a situation. I think I need to paddle that boy.

Lightbulb

I don't know how to write this post without A. sounding like I am praising myself and B. maybe sounding like a jerk. So, I will just write and hopefully it sounds ok. The other day Mike commented that maybe I should start trying to get a few massages to supplement my extremely part time job. I immediately contacted some people to get massages and told them I would do it for free. What the heck, Mer? It didn't hit me until later that maybe it was defeating the purpose to not charge for the massages especially since I now live more than an hour away from everyone. So, I started booking people and charging them. I still couldn't bring myself to charge full price. I just cannot charge what I should be charging.

I was thinking and thinking and getting down on myself. I thought,"You are a coward. You are afraid people won't think you are worth it. You don't want people to be mad at you". Then I realized something. Yes, I like getting paid the full amount for a massage because it helps Mike and me out. BUT I also really love being able to use my gift to bless people. I mean, where else could someone get a great massage at their house for 25.00 and a batch of cookies? I love to barter. I love getting paid in creative ways. It is just fun.It makes me feel like an old time doctor getting paid in chickens.

Also, massage always makes people so thankful and grateful. They think you are a hero because you make them feel better. I love being a hero. I love having a special skill that people love. I also love when people tell me that they won't ever go to another massage therapist because I am the best. I love when people think I am the BEST at something. It isn't often that I am the best at something.

Anyway, I realized that I love having a purpose. I love blessing people. I love getting paid too so hopefully I can incorporate the two.

What is my problem

My body hurts so much. I don't know why or what has changed. It is a horrible feeling.I ache from head to toe.

Also, I have been so cranky lately. People I usually love are bothering me. People that I never see but for some reason I have this crankiness in my heart towards them and I don't know why.

I snapped at a guy at the gym. He was this older black man who was staring at my body when I got in the jacuzzi. I said,"Can't you stop looking at me"? He said, "huh"? and I said," CAN YOU STOP LOOKING AT ME". I then sat in the jacuzzi and tried to act normal but I felt really dumb. When I got out I apologized but he was still staring at my chest. I wanted to tell him to stop looking at me again.

I don't know what my problem is but I hate everything right now.

oh and....

Ollie and Lyric met us at the airport with THESE!!!!

California

We are back from our west coast vacation and it was wonderful. Except, well, I came back with a horrible cold which started on our last day there.
The plane ride over was fine. Mike and I both had isle seats across from each other. I feel that if you are flying coach then isle is the only way to go. On the way home I flew first class. My husband, who loves me very much, upgraded me to first class with his "miles" as a special treat. He said he wanted me to be comfortable because he knows how important comfort is to me. What a guy. He said that since he had never flown first class he didn't know what he was missing. I, on the other hand, have flown first class often due to another great guy who always used to upgrade me with his miles...my dad. What can I say, the men in my life know I am a first class kind of girl.

Darby and the kids met us at the airport with big neon welcome signs that the kids had made for us. It was adorable. We then took a small trip to the beach on the way home just to put our tired piggies in the Pacific ocean. Darby made unbelievable delicious French onion soup. Seriously...I loved it.
Friday Darby and I went to the 3rd street Promenade to have lunch and to do a little shopping. I needed to pick up a few things from Lush. Mike and Jason took a hike. We all met at a Thai place for dinner and then picked Lyric up from Cotillion, which she loved.
Saturday we spent the whole day at the beach in Malibu. I would be happy if I could go there every day.
Sunday we went to the Arboretum and saw lots of pretty plants and fed turtles, ducks and fish. We then went to dinner where I tasted the best salad ever.
Monday we want to this place called Leo Carrillo that had sea caves and tide pools. Mike walked around and Darby and I sat on a huge rock and talked while gazing at the ocean.
Tuesday we headed home.

There were many fun things things that I left out but it was a fantastic time. It was so fun to spend so much time with Darb, Jase and the kids.

We love California. We want to move there.

Thank you, God.

I will be honest as I usually am. Mike is the love of my life. I love him with all of my heart. I never want to be without him. However, he is not the first person I ever loved. When we first started dating I told him I had never been in love before. As soon as the words left my mouth I knew they were a lie. What I meant to say was that I had never had a serious relationship and even the stupid little nothing relationships were few and far between. The reason the relationships were virtually nonexistent was simple. I had been in love before and I had my heart broken. You see, if you know me well you know that I am an extremely passionate person. I feel emotions with my whole being and while that can be amazing it can also be tortuous. I love fiercely. I am extremely loyal and protect my relationships that I care about.

So here is the story. As I have talked about here before I was not treated well by males and I learned to fear men at a very young age. To me, males could not be trusted. Several males in my life had lied to me. Men that I trusted. Men that meant the world to me. Boys touched in bad ways. They said nasty things. Older men leered. They said nasty things too. I mentioned to you the 8th grade Bible teacher of mine who had a crush on me. In the middle of that traumatic experience I met a boy. A nice boy. At first this boy was just an acquaintance but we ended up in a band together and ended up becoming friends. This boy called me a lot. We would talk for hours. He wrote me letters. He made me laugh. He said nice things. He said he thought I was pretty and talented and had the best personality. He wrote beautiful music and played songs that he had written for me to sing. I was young but I found myself deeply in love. I had had crushes before. This was no crush. This was me knowing someone, really seeing him and loving what I saw. He looked out for me. He was a popular guy and he exalted me to the pedestal of the elite "A" list of people in our class.We slow danced at parties and in his arms I felt safe for the first time. I thought he was perfect.

In ninth grade I was crushed when my parents took me out of school. It was the first year I was to experience homecoming. I waited my whole life for homecoming and now I was going to miss it. I was devastated that I wouldn't see him as much. I knew our friendship would suffer. I was terrified of letting him go. I couldn't imagine my life without him. At that point he was the only good thing. Unbelievably, he was the one who kept up our friendship. He continued to call. He still invited me places. I couldn't believe it.

The summer before tenth grade was the best of my life. I was just discovering my love for U2 and one night in my sister's car we sat with the windows down looking at the stars listening to Achtung Baby. As we sat there talking I was intoxicated by both the music and the magic of the moment. I know that sounds stupid but sometimes there is no other way to describe a moment that is just so perfect. Like it had been written in a book or we were actors in a movie. I felt the deepest overwhelming love for him. I knew that I was about to experience my first kiss and it would be perfect. Just as that electric tension between us was about to overwhelm me a knock on the door broke the spell. A kid that had a crush on me asked if he could join us. We looked at each other and I mumbled something as the intruder hopped into the back seat. Perfect moment ruined.

At the end of the summer he called me to tell me that he had gotten us tickets to see U2. When I hung up the phone I cried. I was so overwhelmed with joy. My favorite band with the one I loved. The day of the show I fretted over what to wear. I had found a box with my dad's old 45 records and I listened to Elvis's I Can't help falling in love with you over and over.

The show was amazing. I have seen several U2 shows since and none compare to that show. As an encore the band played Love is Blindness. My favorite. As a second encore they played I can't help Falling in love with you. I cried. I hid my tears but I cried. It was a sign. We were meant to be together.

I ended going back to school that fall. Just two weeks after the show. Things were great for a month. When Homecoming time came around I thought that I would go with him. He asked if I had a date. I told him that someone asked me but I had said no. Of course it was because I was holding out for him but I didn't tell him that. I mustered my courage and said,"we could go together as, you know, friends or something". He cleared his throat and said,"Yeah, that would be fun but I was actually thinking of asking _______." I said,"Oh that's great". I made an excuse to get off of the phone. I put my head into my pillow and sobbed. Something in me broke. I felt hurt and betrayed. I thought he loved me. He did love me. I know he did. When had things changed? In retrospect I realize that he did nothing wrong. He was a good friend. I should have seen that.

At school the next day I saw him walking towards me. He smiled and started to say something and I turned and walked away. I turned around and looked at him and he looked confused. He made several more attempts to talk to me and I avoided him each time. I needed time to heal. however something took over. It was a fear. He had hurt me and I couldn't handle the overwhelming emotion. I loved him so much it hurt and I wanted to be with him but he didn't want me in the same way. That knowledge was too great to bear. At class I would sneak glances at him. I would pretend to look at the clock so I could turn around and catch a glimpse of his face. I wanted to talk to him. I couldn't.

As the school year progressed our friendship slipped away. The very thing I was afraid of was happening and I was doing it. I was driving it away yet there was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried to will myself to talk to him. I couldn't smile at him. I opened my mouth and nothing came out. My friends would tell me that I was hurting him and he didn't know why. It was as if my mouth was glued shut.

He started dating other people. Guys liked me but I wouldn't give them the time of day. My heart belong to another yet I wouldn't let him near it. It was torture. The thing I wanted most I sabotaged so I couldn't have it. It was insane.

At the end of the school year he wrote a nice message about wanting to be friends again in my year book. I felt sheer joy as I wrote him a letter and gave it to Jason Latshaw who was a friend of this guy and dating my sister. Jason said that the guy was really happy to get it. In the letter I explained how much I wanted to be friends. I geared myself up to see him the next day.

Later the next day we were at graduation and he came up to me and shook my hand. He asked me a question and I felt the debilitating fear creep over me like a dark shroud. I screamed at myself in my head." TALKED TO HIM YOU IDIOT! YOU ARE RUINING EVERYTHING!" I acted aloof and I saw that sad and confused look on his face as he turned around and walked away. Jason came up to me and said something similar to what I had screamed to myself. I knew I had blown my last chance at happiness.

Later that summer he called to tell me that he was moving away with his family. He said that he hoped to see me before he left. I said that I would get together with him. Then I found out that my parents were taking me on a trip that would last the whole summer. Damn my luck. While I was away, he moved. I never got to say goodbye. Then I got the tragic news that my friend, who had been instrumental in me and this boy becoming friends and had been a friend since childhood was killed in a car accident. My heart broke in a way that it never had and I experienced a pain that was worse than anything I had ever felt. Now I mourned for another friend that had moved on that I would never see again.

Later that year we exchanged a letter or two. The year after that he came back to visit and I saw him briefly. It wasn't the same. It never was the same. We lost contact after that. That is when the dreams started. He was there and I was trying to reach him and for some reason I just never could.

I never fully let him go. I still had unresolved feelings and it still stung years later when I heard he had gotten married. Still stung when I heard he had kids. I still felt that he was meant to be with me and I had ruined it. The old proverbial "One that got away".

When Mike and I re-met and started dating and fell in love and got married I was happy. The happiest I had ever been. There was still this twinge of sadness every now and then and I continued to have the dreams. How sick is that? 14 years after the last time we spoke and I still had dreams. I went to therapy. Still had the dreams. I talked to Mike about it. Still had the dreams.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to put things to rest. I looked up this guy on facebook and low and behold there he was. I friended him. When he accepted the request I took a deep breath and looked at the pictures on his profile. I stared in disbelief because his looks are much altered. I started to laugh. I laughed extremely hard. I felt mean for laughing but I was laughing because I was holding on to the image of a 16 year old. I read some of his thoughts on things and I laughed harder. We had very little in common. A Weight lifted off of me and I felt as if I had experience 18 years of therapy in five minutes.

I looked up and saw Mike across the room. He looked at me and smiled and sang a little song he wrote about me that he only sings when we are alone. I was struck by how great his love is. How he loves me, all of me, not in spite of who I am but because of it. He is perfect for me in every way. I walked over to the sofa and gave him a kiss and he put his arms around me. I felt safe. The kind of safe that can't be stolen away by fear and the kind of love that wouldn't be taken away by a mistake or by hurt feelings. I realized that although Mike wasn't my first love he is the best love and the last love I will ever need. Thank you, God.

i'm okay.

This has been a fun weekend. On Friday we went to British Belle tea for wine tasting and dinner. Saturday we went to Brian and Nina's and had lovely dinner followed by hot tub balloon volleyball. It is the only volleyball I am good at and the only one I enjoy playing. Sunday we went to Wyomissing, hometown of Taylor Swift, to spend the afternoon and evening with my parents, Aunt, Uncle, cousin and a bunch of their drunk relatives. We ate some delicious steamers (clams and butter) and some equally delicious low country boil. We were told some stories about Taylor Swift when she was young because my cousin was friends with her when she was around 10. My cousin is a few years older. Today we went to Oktoberfest.

Blah blah blah. here is what I really want to say. I don't know if I want children. I finally admitted to myself that I really wanted to have a baby because I felt like I should and people keep asking me about it. When are you going to have kids? So, are you guys thinking about kids? Have you thought about kids? Do you guys want to have kids? I have been asked in many ways and frankly I feel like saying, "I'm infertile but thanks for asking". The point is not whether or not we want kids but whether or not we can conceive and right now and for the past 4 years the answer has been no. If someone doesn't have kids then they are either not trying to have kids at the moment or they are and it isn't going well. Either way, do you really think someone wants to talk about it? Cause I don't. I really don't. I am okay when a close friend asks but basically my closest friends know whats going on with me and don't have to ask.

I am selfish. I really need a lot of sleep. I love that I am the center of Mike's world. We are trying to save money to move out of the city and buy a nice house. Our child could be a serial killer. We could really mess a kid up. There are a myriad of reasons.

Maybe I do want a child someday. It doesn't even matter because I CAN'T CONCEIVE. DARN IT ALL TO HECK! I am so sick of caring about it. I just have to let it go for now and focus on becoming healthy. I keep losing my focus but I will not be happy with anything unless I lose weight. I know that in my heart.

So that i what I want to say. I am fully aware that my writing has been really bad for awhile now but I don't actually care much about that either. Sorry.

Time marches on

I cannot believe that August is over. When I was little it seemed like time dragged on forever. I was always waiting for something that seemed like it would never come. A birthday, Christmas, a vacation or spending the night at a friend's house. I was always told by adults that when you get older time flies by. I didn't believe them but man, it really is true. Fall is just around the corner. I personally believe that September is fall and it annoys me that it is still considered summer.

I love the fall as I have said many times. I love the winter too and I hope there is a ton of snow this year. I would say my favorite time of year is the 22nd of October until January 2. Anniversary, Thanksgiving, Mike's birthday, Christmas. Wonderful times.

As you may be able to tell, I am feeling a lot better. I had forgotten to take my meds for a couple of days and that coupled with "that time of the month" merged into the perfect storm of depression. However, all is right with the world now. Our neighbors have been much quieter lately. I still pray daily that they don't come back. I have started cleaning my house which always makes me feel better. I have this week off so I am going to do a deep clean.

Right now I have the windows and doors open so there is fresh air. I like the sound of the traffic outside. I feel peaceful.

I' been staring for a while. I don't know how long it has been. It may have been minutes, maybe hours. I feel like I should look at the clock. I don't look at the clock because I really don't care what time it is. Everything hurts. It hurts to move, to think, to try to cheer up. It all takes effort that I just don't want to expend.

I ask myself the same questions that I always do. I hate these questions. I feel so fucking pitiful. I feel like I should be past all this by now. Who AM I for fucks sake? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I have what I want? Why do I feel so sorry for myself? Why do I want to do things that are harmful to me and why for the LOVE OF GOD don't I change what I don't like about myself.

I just want to sleep. I just want too be high all of the time. I just want to be high. All. of. the. time. Maybe I was fine this past week. I can't remember. Maybe I'll feel great tomorrow. I hope I will. I see my therapist on Tues. It has been too long. I don't want to have to be in therapy forever. I can't stand myself right now. Maybe it is a really good thing that I can't conceive. Maybe God is sparing a child from one extremely fucked up mother. Sorry.

Turmoil

I feel like I must ask why is it that I can be so universally affected by things. Let me back up a bit. I love the ocean and I love swimming. I feel instantly better about life as soon as I become weightless in the water.I remember this one time being in the gulf of Mexico in Naples, Fl. The gulf is usually relatively calm and you could wade out pretty deep while still being in waist deep water. One time I was out enjoying the water when all of a sudden I found myself rolling along the sandy floor of the gulf. My body was getting really cut up and I was terrified that I was going to die. It was extremely unpleasant. That wave came out of nowhere and turned me upside down. Now it seems like I can go along totally happy in life and then something comes along like a rogue wave and knocks me down. From that point on for a really long time I feel like I am churning on the bottom of the ocean. The sad thing is that usually the wave is an issue that wouldn't be a huge deal to other people.

For example, Our really bad neighbors. We have never had bad neighbors before and these people are really tough to deal with. We have the fact that there is a group of loud teenagers on our front porch at all hours of the night. We have the perpetual trash heap both on the shared steps and flowing into our yard. We have the swarm of flies that is constantly buzzing around their trashcan because they put dirty diapers in there without a bag which now buzz around our trashcan cause they use that too. We had the incident of a kid climbing on to our roof. A piece of our steps has been broken off and our alarm system sign was stuck upside down into the ground. We have the fact that someone uses our hose without asking. This is indeed extremely annoying behavior but I feel hopeless. I feel anxious. I feel like my world is crumbling. I have panic attacks. I sobbed last night when we got home from Maine cause I just wanted to move there. I feel like these people are ruining my life. I don't want them to have that power but there is literally nothing to be done. We have tried saying something to them and we have tried being nice. I clean up the trash. I say hi to them when I see them.

Ok, I will admit something that is embarrassing to admit. I am embarrassed that I feel this way and embarrassed to admit it but I will. Here it goes...I think I might be prejudiced. I think that after the many bad experiences I have had with a certain race, I kind of feel like I don't like this group of people much. I wish I didn't feel this way. I have always tried to be a non racist person but it just feels like a certain race is the cause of a lot of the problems in my life right now. I know it isn't a race thing in my heart. I know what bothers me are inconsiderate, uneducated, selfish people and that can be any race at all. It is just sad that these people are acting in a stereotypical way. I hate that. I don't want to think that everyone in this race is the same way but it is really hard right now.

There. I admitted it. Feel free to think I am horrible.

Hi.

I have found recently that I say "hi" to strangers a lot more. I smile a lot more. I hold doors for people. I think this is nice. I have decided that even if people don't say hi or smile back at least I did my part. I have been trying hard lately to be a kind person. I don't think I am an unkind person by nature but it is very hard for me to hide my annoyance at people and situations. I am working on that. You know what else I have found out recently? If I pray for help to have peace or to not be annoyed at someone, God usually helps out. It's nice.

Mike and I are leaving on Saturday to go to Bar Harbor, Maine with my family. I am excited. We hired a pet sitter to come to our house twice while we are gone. I hope it works out and the cats aren't too mad or dead when we get home. I think two times during the week is good right? I mean, they have stayed a couple of nights by themselves a lot of times. I'm sure it will be fine.

I have started eating a low carb diet because of the insulin resistance. I feel pretty good today. I love carbs. It might get really hard.

bleh

I haven't been feeling well lately. I stopped taking my sugar medication because it went up to 50.00 a month and I was feeling better. Of course I was feeling better, I was on the meds. Yesterday I had a horrible sugar episode. I was sweating profusely, extremely weak and dizzy. Mike forced me to eat a cookie I started feeling better. I couldn't really talk cause my brain wasn't working. It was bad news.

Second issue:
I have been struggling with forgiveness. There is a person who has been in my life for a few years and I have known for awhile that they are not a safe person. I haven't been forced to spend too much time with said individual but recently spent a chunk of time with them. I can't go into details but this situation is odd. This person sees their own reality. They don't see truth at all and they cannot be convinced of anything that they do not want to see. I have been hurt by this person but there is no remedy for the situation. I simply have to forgive to keep my sanity and not put strain on other relationships that I hold dear. It is frustrating.

That is all.

Not much to say

I thought I would write a new post though I do not have anything that big to say. Just a few small things,

1. I am extremely excited about the upcoming wedding of my dearest friend, Elizabeth SJ Letham. She has asked me to be a Maid/Matron of honor (her sister is the other one)


2. I had a dream last night that Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) was my boyfriend. It was a really good dream. He bit me. I liked it.

3. I am unbelievable exhausted today and I do not know why. Must have been that dream.

imagination

I am so blessed to have an imagination. I sincerely feel sorry for those who cannot conjure up anything other than reality. Frankly, my imagination has kept me going through the years. It keeps me from getting bored and it helps me to be empathetic in many situations. Sometimes I wonder if I use my imagination in a way that is harmful. I know I have used it as an escape from my life in the past but on the whole I feel that it brings me joy and I don't feel like that is wrong. One of my favorite things to imagine is that I live in a cottage in the woods and there are all sorts of mystical creatures hiding in the yard. I literally imagine that I do not live in the city but the country. Just past the woods that surround our house is a lush meadow with thousands of wildflowers. If you look further you will see the ocean which is crystal clear. That is where the mermaids live. They like to swim with the dolphins and wave at me.

That is what I am imagining right now. It is a nice place to be.

new post

I feel like I have been so busy lately but it actually feels really good to be so. I have to say that coming off of the intense practice schedule leading up to Godspell left me exhausted yet used to being busy. Oh wait, maybe I should comment about Godspell. Ok, I'll sum it up because I have a lot of feelings about it.

I loved doing Godspell and I hope we get a chance to do it again. We went from kind of sucking to being absolutely fabulous. I got closer to a great bunch of people and really had fun working towards this end goal.
I am really proud of myself for a couple of things. Firstly, I am proud that I committed to doing it and then didn't punk out. Although many a mishap kept me from feeling great I still went to the majority of rehearsals.I made it even though I live about 1 hour and 1/2 away. A huge goal of mine was to stop make commitments and then backing out. Although it was tough, it was totally worth it in so many ways. Secondly, I was really nervous to perform and have actually had confidence issues for a long time. A fear of what other would think of the only"fat" one in the show. I am proud of myself for trying out and then performing. Though Saturday night I was very nervous I pulled off Sunday without so much as a stomach flutter. Ok, maybe one or two flutters before I got on stage but nothing as soon as I started to perform. Thirdly, I am proud of my performance. I think I did really well.

Moving on...

I usually hate 4th of July almost as much as New Year's Eve. Those are the 2 holidays of which I have a myriad of bad memories. 4th of July means hot hot humid heat, bugs biting and buzzing, and lots and lots of boredom. Buuuuuuut...this year was great!! The weather was perfect. PERFECT!! Warm with a nice breeze. We spent the majority of the day at my parents for a picnic. They got a smallish above ground pool which I played in for hours like a child. My mom and Lyric against me and Ollie in a water gun fight. Ollie cleverly got out of the pool and landed several sniper shots to our opponents faces. We tried to make a whirpool by running in circles and chanting,"whirl-pool whirl-pool". It didn't really work. We floated around on rafts and then got out and ate yummy ribs and other tasty food. Although I swim virtually everyday it is so much more fun to be in a private pool acting like I don't have a care in the world. Frankly, yesterday I really didn't have any cares. It is exactly how summer should be. Then Mike and I left and went to an annual party at Sarah and Kevin's, Mike's friends from college. I got to see my lovely friend , Martha.

It was just a great day. I feel so tired right now. I need a rest. Again, I don't feel like checking my work so sorry if there are typos.

pray for me

I just want to know why I keep being confronted with the same horrible situation. Wait, backing up a bit. When I was younger it was almost like I had a neon arrow over my head that said,"Perverts stop here". I mean bad things over and over again. For some reason I moved on from that and for the past maybe 15 years I have had another neon arrow inviting a new and almost more traumatic predator...the horrible mean, overbearing, aggressive, irrational and lying downright EVIL female that makes my life a living hell. I shall explain.

If you have been reading my blog for awhile you may recall a certain lead teacher at a job of mine that was horribly unfair and mean spirited towards me. I was so happy, heck, I felt completely blissful when I no longer had to see her. Life went along well for awhile and my job has been great. Well, on Friday I had a negative experience with a student. This was not a student of mine and in fact I had never met her before. To make a long story short she was incredible rude to both me and the other students that were present. I calmly spoke to her after everyone else was gone and she got really disrespectful. I am REALLY being nice here and not going into all the details. Anyway, I spoke to my lead teacher, who is a good guy, and he backed me up and said that I was 100% right and that the student was in the wrong.

Today after school the student, the lead teacher and I had a meeting. The student said that she wishes to file a formal complaint about me and then proceeded to say all these false things about me. I mean, it was horrible. She wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise to defend myself and when I finally tried to explain some things she said I was lying. I finally got up and said that I wasn't listening to anymore. I then proceeded to go into the office and cry my eyes out. The lead teacher was very supportive and told me that he was sorry that if he had known she was going to be like that he never would have told me to stay for the meeting. Again, he said that I did nothing wrong and that I have nothing to worry about. Still, it hurt and I felt so mad that I had to deal with that again.

Please pray for me. Not only was this a bad situation but I need to be healed from whatever it is that is attracting these people into my life.

Things I want to say

I have been doing really well with my swimming, I must say. Actually, it is hard for me to say that but I have always felt like after I give myself credit for something I usually mess up big time. However, the book I am reading(well, was reading and have taken a few days off) told me to give credit to myself when I make good choices. I have been doing water aerobics at least 4 days a week. It makes me feel better. I am at the stage where I look a little thinner and my clothes fit better but the scale is only down 2lbs. I am sure it will start to go down soon. I just feel so much healthier and for a girl who has been not well for a long time that is big news.

Tomorrow Mike and I are joining my parents and my grandmother(so sad to not be able to say grandparents)in Ocean city, MD for the next couple of days. http://www.ocmdhotels.com/ocsuites/ at the lovely Holiday inn . It has been an annual trip since 1995. Sadly, Cali fam and Linds and Col will not be joining us. It is so crazy how we added to those who joined us down there. In 1995 I graduated from high school so as a present my parents rented a room for Linds, my two friends and me. The next year Jason and darby were married and were down. Eventually we added Collin to the mix then a little girl named Lyric then a little boy named Ollie then a hot guy named Mike. Mike actually joined us before we were married. We shared a room which is so bizarre because the room was attached to my parents and they were usually really strict about us spending the night with our boyfriends.As in, we weren't allowed.I was 28 and Mike was 31 so I guess they thought if anything happened it wouldn't be that huge of a deal. We didn't share a bed. Just to make things clear. Why am I telling you all of this. I am tired.

Anyway, that is all I feel like talking about now. I feel like it was dumb. Sorry.

Questions for Philadelphians and thosee who pass this way

I feel grumpyish and am glad that I have therapy today. why do I get so mad at people that I don't even know? I get so angry at bad drivers and rude people. Selfish, rude, low class people. do I think I am better? Yeah, I guess I do . Only because I at least TRY to be nice. If someone let's me in, I wave. If I cut someone off I wave an apology. Waving is so easy. It means so much to mean, especially if I have gone out of my way to do something nice.

Here are a few questions I have for the people of Northeast Philadelphia.


Are you unaware of what trash cans are for? Do you have a back condition which hinders you from bending over and picking up your trash so that I don't have to pick up your trash in my yard?

Do you need a hearing aid? Is that why you must blare your music from your car at all hours of the morning and night?

Or is it that your friends are hard of hearing? Is that why you must shout into your cell phone when you are walking down the street "conversatin'"(and do you not know that conversating is not a word)?

Are all you children orphans? Is that why you are able to stand on the street corners to the wee hours of the morning laughing and shouting? Is it because your parents are dead? That is so sad.

Are you really handicapped and are SO handicapped that you are unable to get a sticker that says you are handicapped and it is that you are MENTALLY handicapped because you obviously are not physically handicapped and that is why you park in the handicapped spot?

You must have such a sad life. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Oh, besides work and pay taxes which I am so glad is making it possible for you to get food stamps and daycare paid for and a check once a month so that you can pay for the essentials like getting your foot long nails done. and your new Louis Vuitton bag. Oh, and your Lincoln navigator. Cause after all, we are in hard economic times and it is obviously especially hard on you.

Ugh. Why am I such a bitch?

June 6, 2009

I have been swimming a lot lately which I am proud of. It has gotten to where I would rather make the effort to swim and feel good than sit at home and feel bad. I have started doing water aerobics too. It isn't as easy as it looks. I am however, apparently, the only one under 50 that takes it and therefor look as if I am in great shape. I'm jumping and kicking and punching and jogging and have energy left to spare at the end. It feels great! I feel much more toned and seem to be slimming down a little bit. The only downside is that my body still aches. Today, I guess because of the cold and rainy weather, my legs hurt really badly. Also, if I sleep with my legs out of the covers they feel stiff the whole next day. Which is the case today as well.

Kim Champion, AKA, the best therapist in the world, recommended that I read,"The Beck Weight Loss Solution". It is all about cognitive therapy and applying it to the negative thoughts that sabotage one who struggles with losing weight. It is great so far. I can really relate to a lot of the negative thoughts that I, ridiculously enough, thought were unique to me. If feels so great to know that a lot of other people experience the same negative thought patterns.

Anyway, I have to go to a class and the jacuzzi is calling my achy legs home.

Sorry for typos. I don't feel like checking my work today.

Yesterday

So, in case you were wondering and I am sure you all were, the disclaimer that you have to read before you get to my site is just a precaution because anyone can click on my name and get to my blog. Sometimes I say curse words or sometime I might want to say something that isn't child appropriate. So that is that.

I had a good day. I started therapy again with my favorite therapist at PCPC, Kim Champion. She is a great match for me therapist/patient wise. She isn't pushy but is also not too passive. I am really good at working things out as long as I have someone that I can talk to that doesn't interrupt me and helps me to see truth. My family interrupts a lot. I interrupt too but not as often as someone I love very much named my mother. It feel wonderful to be the center of focus and to know that I am getting healthier. It feels wondeful to be able to talk and talk and know that it is getting me somewhere.YAY! I love therapy. The first time I was in therapy for over a year. We will see how long it will be this time.

Also, keeping with trying to get healthier( I don't like to say,"trying to get healthy" because I am not an unhealthy person. I have a few glitches that need to be worked out). I joined and aquatic center and took a deep water walking class. It is great because it is hard but you don't feel how hard it is until you are out of the water and trying to walk on land.

I have a fertility appointment tomorrow and hopefully I get on a good track. I am really beginning to believe that as soon as I take care of some issues in therapy and start getting my body in shape I will get pregnant.

Prayer would be highly appreciated.

Feeling better

So, I realize that most of the times that I feel depressed and hopeless it is really brought on my either my emotions or hormones being completely out of control. Can you blame a girl who hadn't gotten her period in nearly three months? I think not. I am feeling much better now but still have an appointment on Friday to see if they can help with regulating the periods.

Also, I am going back to my therapist starting Wednesday. I feel like I need help with certain issues and that help needs to be professional.

I seem to either have a fear of failure or a fear of success in areas. Losing weight. Having a baby. Having a dog. With the last two it is also a fear of responsibility or a fear of my life changing to the point of being uncomfortable. I like comfort. I feel like I spend my whole life striving for comfort. It is bizarre to me. I hate not being able to sleep when I want or eat when and what I want. Maybe it is a control thing. Maybe it is a rebellion thing. I don't know and this is why I need help. My therapist really helped me with getting over my fear of men and that was a doozie. After I went through therapy for that issue I ended up being open enough to date and marry my love, Michael. It was perfect timing. Of course, having a baby is also a physical struggle. Things aren't working well. But that is kind of how it was with dating. There didn't seem to be any men around that I had a connection with. I am hoping that when I get my issues worked out I will then be able to conceive.

Anyway, things are looking much brighter and more hopeful. Just thought I would share.

torture

In this exact moment I feel like I hate life. I feel so frustrated and sad and I feel like a huge ball of furious tears is going to tear through my chest in about a second.

I need HELP and I can't get it. I called my previous therapist to see if I could meet with her and she never called back.

I need to go to the doctor and I called aetna to get the name of a gyno and a referral for an ultrasound and their fucking system is down.

I feel so horrible. So so horrible inside.

my dream

Last night I dreamed that I kept taking pregnancy tests and they came out positive. I even took one that showed a range of how far along you are and it said 6-9 weeks. I told my mom and she told Darby before I got a chance to and I was really angry at her. This is a frustrating dream because I haven't had my period in 73 days. Just thought I would share.

My flowers

Here is a picture of some of my flowers.Nice, HUH?

Seriously, I don't mind where I live anymore. I really think my house is so cute even though it is tiny. However, if it were bigger I am sure I would have even MORE trouble keeping it clean. I would really appreciate some more closets and shelves. We have no closet space. One closet in our bedroom and this little nothingburger (as mom would say) closet in the spare room.

Anyway, the area outside is still not completely lovely but I have made it much better looking with flowers. I find flowers so wonderful. It can make even the crappiest of places look cute. I know these people that I love dearly. Their house needs a lot of work due to lack of money and illness which has caused this one person that I love to not do quite as much as he would like to do. Now his wife, who is a precious precious person has done an amazing job of making her gardens looks wonderful. When I look at the house all I see are well placed brights and beautiful flowers. As a matter of fact...When I was first introduced to these people I told their son that I thought the house was cute. He laughed and said,"You are really nice". I was confused.He explained that the house needed a ton of cosmetic work. Strange thing is that I had no recollection of said work to be done.The next time that I was looking for the crappiness I found it. It blew my mind that I hadn't seen it in the first place. All because of the distracting flowers.

Right now I am looking out my screen door at a hanging basket that my parents bought me. I brought some of my roses inside and put them in a vase. I hear birds chirping(the nest that mike wants to move so he can sleep past 5:00am.) I am sitting on my loveseat listening to the 80's music station on Comcast. Figgy pudding is meowing because he wants to go outside.I am getting my hair done tonight.

All is right with the world.

weird symptoms

Something is wrong with me again. I haven't had my period in 2 months, I have had a pain in my right ovary area. I am extremely light headed and tired. I am not pregnant or at least that is what the pregnancy tests say. I go to the doctor tomorrow and hopefully get some help. I think it would be awesome if I really was pregnant but I know that I am not. grr.

Bad dreams

When I was younger I used to take this stuff to help me sleep and it worked really well. I recently started taking it again in order to sleep better and I have found that I have been having horrible dreams. Nightmares, I would say.

I have had a dreamed that Mike slept with someone else.

I dreamed that I was in Naples, Florida where my grandparents used to live but a lot of the gulf of mexico had dried up.It was creepy and horrible looking.

I dreamed that I was kidnapped by the father of a friend from childhood because he was obsessed with me.

The strange thing about the Florida one was that I used to have this nightmare again and again that I was standing on the balcony and the water was really rough and had huge waves. The water just kept rising until it was right up to the bottom of the balcony which meant that everything under the 7th floor of the building was covered in the water.The balcony was crumbling underneath me and I could see huge whales swimming really close to me. It was terrifying.

I also have this dream that I am in my parents neighborhood but mansions have been built up all around it. The a war breaks out and it turns out to be the 3rd world war.

I think I will stop taking the Melatonin.

Fussy

Mike has always called me fussy. He has also made up nicknames that are variations of the word fuss. The most commonly used one is Fussa. Today I am completely fussy. My body aches and everything is annoying me. I feel discontent and am going through my wanting a dog phase.What is my problem? Anyway, I am not allowed to have a dog. I just want to know what this sickness is that keeps thinking,"this time I can do it". Like I said, I can't have a dog so the point is moot but it still bothers me.

I am fussy cause I don't want to feel like I am always discontent. I want to choose to be happy but right now it is hard. I want to eat but I want to be thin. I want to stay home all the time but I also get bored and want to work. We also need the money. I want a baby but I cannot have one. I love my garden but I am impatient for the flowers to bloom. I love who Mike is but I want him to be perfect. I love being in Godspell but I am also annoyed by it.

I hate this post but I am gong to puplish it anyway.

Random thoughts

I didn't sleep well last night because I could get to a comfortable temperature and now I have a headache that feels like a hangover headache. Yucky.

Yesterday morning I laid down on my front porch and read. I was at eye level with my flowers and if I didn't lift my head and ignored the traffic sounds it was almost like being in the country. Almost.

I decided yesterday that today would be the day I stopped eating sugar. It was going really well until I woke up. I forgot and put sugar in my coffee. So, maybe I will just say today is the day I start cutting back my sugar intake.

Some of you may have seen my cats do their trick but for those of you who have not experienced the wonder of the Amazing Figs and Fiona Show in which they both, that's right BOTH defy nature and gravity by (drum roll please).......SITTING FOR A TREAT...where was I going with this, ah yes, they have both officially stopped learning. The Figs plants his butt before I get a chance to say sit and won't budge. Fiona jumps up and then sits when I tell her. When I try to teach her something else she will just sit as if to say,"There. Now give me the damn treat". Oh well.

Over it.

Ok, I am better now. I know that I am beautiful.

She looks so happy in pictures. the little girl with the messy brown hair. Her mom tried to make it look pretty but it can't be tamed. In fact, people have been trying to tame certain aspects of her personality and her looks for years to no avail. She is incorrigible.

She has a twinkle in her eye like she's playing a game. A strange little smile. She knows something she isn't telling you. She finds something funny but she isn't letting you in on the joke. She is mischievous.

They say she is a trouble maker. She has no self control. She talks all the time and won't do her work. She is a disruption to the class. She is messy.She is disorganized. She doesn't turn her homework in. Her handwriting is sloppy. She is a smart child but she doesn't do what she is supposed to. She is bad.

Her parents are always yelling at her. She tries to do what is right but it isn't easy. She wants to make them proud of her. She wants to be good.Her sisters are good. She is disappointing.

She lies a lot. She lies to get attention. She lies to get out of trouble. She lies to make herself feel better. She is a liar.

She gets older and develops physically before all the other girls.Boys do bad things to her. They say things and touch her in ways that make her feel sick. She hates it but she likes the attention.She makes jokes so she doesn't cry. She makes them laugh too so they don't laugh at her.

People call her ugly. She doesn't understand why. They say she is fat. She doesn't know why her body is different from every one else's. She doesn't look like her sisters. They are skinny. People tell her that she should look like them. They say that her sisters are beautiful. They are beautiful.

They say that she is not beautiful. They say that she is not beautiful. They say that she is not. She is not beautiful.

Really?

So when I was younger I was constantly being compared to Darby. She was this legendary girl who was so beautiful and popular that people all around Delaware knew who she was. Every state we went to and every new situation it was always the same thing, Darby was this amazing creature that guys would just fall for. So when I was getting ready to go to Wilmington Christian mid 7th grade my best friend Missy told me that boys were already interested in me before I even got there based solely on the fact that I was Darby's sister.

Sadly, I disappointed a lot of people. Seriously, I did. I would be introduced and then someone would inevitable ask me what my last name was. As soon as I said Di Natale, I saw their eyes bug out. "You are Darby's sister???!!!" They would gawked incredulously. "She's beautiful. You don't look ANYTHING like her".

You think I am exaggerating but I am not. Once some guy even said,"You're sisters? But she is pretty and you are ugly". This cut me so deeply. After Darby graduated I thought I might get some relief until Lindsay started WCS and everyone called her "little Darby"."Oh my gosh, you look SO much like Darby". Grrreat.

So, I have never gotten over that pain but I guess I kind of buried it. It has always come up at odd times. I don't feel beautiful and I never really have. I don't believe Mike finds me beautiful.

Anyway, today Mike and I went to EP with Mike's parents for Easter. It is the church Mike grew up in and there was a guy that went to High school with us. Mike introduced me as his wife, Merry. I remembered this guy because he used to "go out" with my sisters best friend. I car- pulled with her and therefore saw this kid a lot. He had no idea who I was and I didn't bring up the whole scenario from high school. Mike said I went to Wilmington Christian and I made the HORRIBLE mistake, naively thinking that it was safe to say, you might have know my sister, Darby. This guy proceeds to smirk and make this weird face and say," Wow, you look REALLY different from Darby". He literally made a face like, "Who hit you with the ugly stick". I felt like I was going to cry. I am 32 years old and I felt like that ugly little girl standing next to her beautiful sister again. I talked to Mike about it and he confirmed the fact that it was really sad because that guy really did say it the way I interpreted it and he did make a weird face.

Anyway, I just thought I would share that 2 years of counseling have now been flushed down the toilet, I will probably develop bulimia again, and plunge into self hatred all because of this walking anus's mean comment and facial expression.I feel so completely fat and ugly. I just want to never leave the house again. Happy fucking Easter to me.

My sensitive palate

You know, I am a really picky eater. You might not think so to see me because well, I am overweight and it looks like I love food. I do love some food but on the whole I find, even more so now than when I was younger, that there isn't too much that I find delicious. There aren't too many foods that I think are a taste sensation(one of my favorite things to declare something). More often than not these days I find myself saying,"This is NOT a taste sensation".

For instance, I used to love Chinese food. Or at least I thought I did. Tonight I realized that I like aspects of Chinese food. I like crispy noodles. I like egg rolls. I like duck sauce. I like a few bites of general Tso's or Sesame chicken but then I get sick of it. I tasted the Wanton soup that Mike said was tasty. I wrinkled my nose mid bite and said,"Not tasty". I ate some of my pan fried noodles with chicken. It was tolerable but I primarily enjoyed the soy sauce I put on top of it. I didn't eat much and Mike can have my left overs.

We get pizza one a week usually. That is because I am married to a bonafide pizza LOVER. I was going to say pizzaholic but I HATE when people add -aholic to stuff. It makes no sense. It would be pizzaic or chocolateic or shopic. Anyway, Mike can eat pizza everyday. That is not an exaggeration. When we were dating I believe he ate some form of pizza everyday. He thinks it is delicious. Sometimes I think pizza is delicious but it has to be perfect. I like pizza, don't get me wrong, but it takes a lot for me to really love a piece of pizza. I think odd things are delicious. I think they are odd. Saltine crackers with butter. I place the butter on the salted side and place that side on my tongue. I let the butter melt a little and then smell the cracker. Smelling the wet saltine makes it more delicious. I think that is DELICIOUS. I could eat that everyday. Cinnamon Toast crunch in ice cold milk. DELICIOUS. Actually, I like a lot of cereal in milk.

Anyway, that was on my mind.

Things on my mind

1. Sickness: I just went in to the computer room last night to specifically point out to Mike that neither he nor I got sick with a cold or flu this winter. I thought that that was amazing because it is the first time in a while that that has happened. However, now I seem to be getting a cold. I wonder why that is. Is it because I was prideful? Maybe it was a psychic thought. I knew I was getting a cold subconsciously and spoke about it. It is weird. It is unhappy that I am getting sick. I have a sore throat.I HATE sore throats. I used to get them all of the time when I was younger. I had strep a lot. I had horrible Tonsillitis. OK, have you ever had white lumps in your tonsils? It looks like white chunks of stuff. Well, if you have had them( if not you are probably totally grossed out right now) they are tonsil stones. Like, kidney or gall stones. They form in the cavities that disease has caused in your tonsils. Well, I used to pop those suckers out by placing a Q tip on my tonsil and gently pressing. 5 or six would come out and they were stinky. I apparently grew up in a time when the medical community was putting the kibosh on tonsillectomies. After years of agony, at age 26, i finally got my tonsils out. When I came to after the surgery the Doctor pronounced my tonsils the worse he had ever seen. He said they were so full of cavities from disease that there was hardly anything to take out. All of this to say that I never get sore throats anymore unless I am getting a cold. DRAT!

2. My clean house. We had some friends over the other night and we did our usual big clean. I have to admit that the place was messier than usual. It took a couple of hours but it looks great. It smells clean too. I like that. It makes me feel like a responsible adult. I mean, I look around my living/dining/TV room and I love my house. Sure it is small but there are only two of us. Which leads me to my next point.

3. Well, I did get one of the two wishes for last year. I did get said house I love but not Baby Mirris. I mean, Morris. I didn't get Baby Mirris or Morris. I didn't get any baby. Strangely I feel like we didn't try very hard. I think it is cause we...didn't try very hard. We started with a bang by going to the Fert. Doc and I had that surgery but the doctor said that I should come back after I have lost some weight. That was discouraging but I know she is right. I know I need to get healthier before I try to have a baby. I personally feel that we will have a child. I have had two family members on different occasions say that well, Darby said that she had a dream that Mike and I were pushing a stroller on the boardwalk and inside was an adorable child with big eyes and light brown curly hair. Sounds like our style. She has really prophetic dreams. My mother said that she had this feeling that we were going to have a curly haired child. I feel like it is going to happen. All in good time.

4. My E button. It sticks on this computer and quite often I type a long paragraph only to realize that most of my words are missing the {e}s. So, if you ever notice that my words are missing the letter e you know why. That is all I feel like typing. I just took NyQuil and am feeling wonderfully drowsy.

Apple blossoms are so beautiful. They are one of my favorite flowers even though they are on a tree. When I was younger and living in New Castle, DE we had an apple tree, a peach tree, and a maple tree in our back yard. The apple tree blossoms had this amazing smell and the little pink and white petals were so delicate and fairytale-ish. Of course, the tree would then bear apples that would fall to the ground and rot. We would slip on the rotten apples and they would squish through our bare feet. Also, they would attract a ton of bees so I got stung a lot but the blossoms were beautiful.

hmm?

I read on Phillyblog, A place I like to frequent for info about my area, that New Jersey is trying to get marijuana legalized for medical use. What do you think? I seriously want to know. On this particular blog there was a poster who said that he knew people that are just waiting for it to be legal so that they can be high all the time. He used that as a reason to not legalize it. I thought that was kind of odd.

Here is the thing. Marijuana has an analgesic effect and it does alter your state of mind sort of like alcohol and or percoset or any other strong pain killer out there. I have found that if used in a "responsible way" ( let's face it using something illegal is never responsible) which means not too much, there are no negative side effects. If a person drives under the influence, it would be the same thing as driving under the influence of alcohol. If someone has it without a prescription, it would be the same as someone having any other drug without a prescription. I just don't understand why people think that it would be a bad thing for medical use. Can someone explain it?

grrr

Ok, so here is one of my pet peeves. Please don't be offended if you do this. You probably have a perfectly good reason and maybe if I walked in your shoes I would have a different idea about this but...I really hate when Christians say something to the effect of."Jesus, come back soon".As if this life is just so horrible they are begging Jesus to end it all.


I know there is a lot of pain in this world. I know there is a lot of death and I want to see those that passed away again . However, this is a good life. Heck, this is a wonderful life. I didn't always think so but, jeez. I just feel that it makes Christians sound a little nuts to be talking about the rapture or the end of times. I don't want Jesus to come back soon. Sorry, but I don't. There is a lot more that I want to accomplish before I go to heaven.

I know that sounds mean. Sorry.

a little thing

Your eyes are the best kind of blue. They remind me of the ocean in Bermuda. Peaceful and warm, deep and inviting.

When I am with you I feel safe. I feel like if I could just stay snuggled in your big arms nothing in the world could ever go wrong again.

Your voice is like a song. When I am not with you in the house, I strain to hear your little songs that you are always singing about me. I then know where you are and that you are happy.

You make me laugh. Even when I am mad or fussy you always know how to cheer me up. I can't stay mad at you for very long.

When you aren't with me, I feel sad and like a part of me is missing. I go through the day counting the minutes until you come through the door.

Moving right along

So this is the list that I wrote a couple years ago. It is fun to see what I have accomplished.
A small list of things I want to do before I die in no particular order of importance. I reserve the right to add or remove items at will.


A small list of things I want to do before I die in no particular order of importance. I reserve the right to add or remove items at will.


Trip about Europe
Write a book
Fall entirely in love with someone who loves me back **
Meet Bono
Take a stunning picture**
Be debt free**
Write an incredibly moving song**
Get married to my soul mate**
Have a well-kept garden**
Get off antidepressants
Own a house that I love **
Rescue a puppy from the pound*
Have a star named after me*
Have really amazing sex**
Get a better tattoo **
Adopt a lost cause*
Save someone’s life**
Become a Vegetarian for more than 6 months
Get high one more time*
Let a spider crawl on my hand*
Have a child or two
Have a really amazing body
Finish therapy**

* No longer a goal of mine
**Goal completed

Blah

So Mike is going away from tomorrow until Tuesday. I hate when he is away and I will have a lot of time on my hands cause I am only working on Monday. I will be staying with my lovely friend, Laura this weekend. That makes me feel better.

Can I just say, and I know I am not alone in this, but sleeping is one of my favorite things ever. Just the thought of going to bed makes me happy and then the thought of being able to sleep later than normal can literally change my outlook on life. I can sleep late tomorrow. Life feels good.

I guess it is the little things that keep me going. A nice cup of hot chocolate. A warm blanket while I'm watching some t.v. The kitties purring next to me.the plants the I some how manage to keep green and alive. Reading a good book. I think when life is the simplest I am the happiest.