sad

I feel entirely sad right now. I feel so disconnected. If you know me at all you know that my friends and family are my world. I say this because I keep getting word from other people about my close friends and family. Things that I feel I should know. I hate that. I think it is because I work really hard at my relationships with people and I tell people things so they are a part of my life. I feel like I used to be in the loop and I just am not anymore. It is sad. I don't even know what to do about it. I HATE being the last to know stuff.

double yay!

Mike is a really hard worker. He has one of the strongest work ethics I have ever seen and goes above and beyond his job description in order to be a great employee. I say this because Mike had his one year review at his job today. On the way to work Mike said that he hoped for at least 5% of a pay raise in order for him to feel like they really appreciate his hard work. I prayed really hard for this because I want him to feel appreciated and not taken advantage of. He just emailed me with the results. I can't write the details just in case somehow someone from his work would see this, but he got more than a 5% raise and was promoted to senior designer. I am so proud of him and I thank God for this long awaited financial blessing and the recognition that Mike deserves.

Yay for me.

I am happy to announce that I have been offered a massage therapist position at a chiropractic office. HOORAY! Seriously. It is part time but it will be regular hrs and pays more than my current extremely part time job. I will actually be doing both jobs but my new one is not contract so I will be a real live employee and that is good news all around.

Breakfast foods

I have been told that it is really bad to skip breakfast and therefore have tried to start eating it. However, It is has been a challenge over the years making myself eat breakfast because I don't feel hungry until around 10:00am. I would say that I am more of a brunch kind of gal. The other challenging thing is that I do not like eggs in the morning. I actually cannot make myself eat them. So, what to eat...what to eat?

It is interesting because although I would say that I do have a sugar addiction, I am not a huge fan of sweet food in the morning. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have my coffee with PLENTY of sugar so maybe that is why I like something more substantial for food.

So one thing that I actually love to eat in the morning is bagels. More specifically bagel sandwiches. Usually I will cook some bacon and put it on an un-toasted plain bagel with a smidge of mayo. Delish. My favorite breakfast sandwich I made was caramelized onions and green peppers, crumbled sausage and Cheddar cheese on an un-toasted plain bagel. It was completely wonderful.

I love cereal, but I prefer to eat that as a dessert at night.

I love muffins and my favorite is banana nut or chocolate chocolate chip.

Don't know why I felt the need to share all that, but I did.

Guess what comes out this week!

WOO to the HOO!

The train

So I will be honest. Although I love when I try new things, I am often really scared to do so. Not everyone knows this about me but I have suffered from panic attacks and social phobia for a long time. I love the thought of adventure but I want someone (Mike) there to hold my hand while I jump into it.

Example: the train.
One thing that is really awesome about where we live is that we are in walking distance from a train station. We can easily hop a train and be in the city, hassle and traffic free, in 30 minutes. Sounds great. However, in my mind it was really scary. I imagined the New York subway system. Dirty, smelly, hot, scary people and all of a sudden I was terrified. A couple of months ago I was suppose to meet Mike to see Bill Clinton speak at one of Mike's conferences in Center City. I was suppose to take the train. I was really excited until the day came and I couldn't make myself do it. Luckily, I had lost my debit card and was unable to go anyway...but still...close call.

My point in saying all this is that on Saturday we had plans to meet our friends Em and Scott in Chinatown for dinner. We were going to take the train. gulp. Mike and I walked over to the train station. It was a lot cuter than I expected. I sat on the bench and prepared myself for the worst. Then we got on our train. Whaaa? It was clean. It was air conditioned. There were nice people on the train. YAY! It wasn't scary. The trip was pleasant and went really quickly.We got off at another non-scary station and walked into Chinatown.

We met Em and Scott and ate at this amazingly good Thai place called Siam Cuisine. We ate Calamari, Chicken Satay, drunken noodles and coconut milk curry. We talked and laughed and had a great time.

When it was time to go home Mike and I hopped back on the train. Again, it wasn't scary.

The train made the trip so easy that I am really looking forward to our next trip into the city. Yay for me. Another fear conquered.

Ghost

OK, so do you believe in Ghosts? A couple of years ago my friend Em and I were carving pumpkins, eating roasted pumpkin seeds, drinking yummy apple cider and making each other laugh when her mom sent her this super creepy pictures that she had taken in a graveyard in Vermont. She was taking a picture of a tombstone and when she looked at the picture on her digital camera this ghostly image was there. Her mother is a Christian and she wouldn't make this thing up. It freaked me and Em out. I literally got chills when I saw it. It makes me wonder a little bit about whether there really are ghosts of some sort. I mean...it REALLY looks like a ghost. What do you think?

Fiona

Here are some pictures of Fiona the kitten. She is more adorable in real life.


http://home.comcast.net/~transfig/kittenweb/

New little furbaby

Fable was a wonderful kitten and I am so blessed to have been his mommy for his short life. His death was very sad and we still get sad sometimes. I have been looking for a kitten for awhile and have found a new little baby to add to our home. As you can see, she is a tiny calico cutie. She is a rescue and more importantly ...a polydactyl (AKA she has six toes). This gives a look of a mitten paw. I am lucky to have gotten her because a lot of people thought she was really cute and apparently polydactyls are in high demand...not sure why...just know I fell in love with this little girl. I pick her up on Monday and I am quite excited. I don't know what to name her but I would like to give her a cute fairyish name. Any suggestions?

New art...blurry pictures

So here is one of my flower pictures. It is super blurry and looks a lot better in real life. I have other ones too.

I am making some note cards for birthdays ...they look really cute and I am proud of myself.

agitation

I feel this weird agitation inside. A restlessness that is making me annoyed. It is like I am bored and I want something to create but I can't figure out what it is. I don't want to do the laundry, I don't want clean and organize, I don't want to read or watch t.v. I want to make something cool but I don't feel inspired to make anything specific. ARG. I wish we had a pool here. I feel better when I swim.

My journal

I suck at keeping a diary. That is why I like blogging so much. You would literally have to look at about 6 different journals in order to have any kind of chronological order to my entries. This picture to the left is my favorite journal. It is illustrated by Becky Kelly, another favorite artist of mine. She does adorable pictures of fairies and other cute things. I always love to write my dreams and what I want for the future in this journal. I like to think it is a magical journal where all the dreams I write in it come true.

James Browne=beauty

I was looking on photo bucket for images for my myspace page and was gloriously introduced to the wonderful world of James Browne. Not the "I feel good, dadadadadada da" guy but the artist who's fairy pictures and mystical creatures resonate with my soul. It literally made my heart swell with happiness to see his work. My friend Emily(Costa) told me that he had been at the Hockessin art festival before and seemed like a pretty nice guy. I could see myself being somewhat of a groupie. I LOVE his work. He even had a cute picture called, " Waiting for Darby". I have a sister named Darby. We are meant to be friends.

The beach

Every year my family takes a trip down to Ocean City, Maryland over Father's Day weekend. The first time we went down was when I had just graduated from High School. My parents rented a room and then let me and Linds and Christine Mulrooney and my friend, Sarah, stay down for the week by ourselves. Darby and Jason had just gotten married and Linds was only 13. Since then we added Lyric, Ollie, Collin, and Mike to the trip. It has kind of shrunk down from a week to all day Saturday, sat night and then part of Sunday.

It is always fun. On Saturday night we always meet some of my dad's friends and go eat at Phillip's which is a phenomenal Seafood buffet. We all have our favorite things to eat but I always fill up on the king crab legs. They are huge and sweet and succulent.

The sad thing is is that this year may be the last hoorah for the DiNatale fam before Darb and her fam and Linds and Col move out West. Sad. I want to write more about this but I feel tired right now and I have to get ready to work.

AN image that I love

I think that this is beautiful and it represents me very well. I really wanted to upload an image since Jen always has super cool pics in her blog and I was jealous.

a new post

OK so, this is one of those posts that is a little embarrassing because it is totally honest but I really feel like I need to talk about this so here it goes. This weekend I was, and there is no other way to describe it, a completely horrible, 100% certifiably evil, bitch. I have been bitchy before but honestly there were moments when I was thinking to myself, "if I were Mike I would have slapped me by now".

To set things up you have to know that I have had massive problems with my menstrual cycle for a long time. I was told that I had fibroid tumors and that I should go on the pill to regulate my period . So, I did and then I was told by my mother that I have breast cancer in my family and that I shouldn't be on the pill. So I took the pill for a total of 5 months and then got off.(my doctor said that that was fine).

The first month after I was off the pill I had my period as usual and I naively thought that perhaps the pill had fixed my problem. Oh quite the contrary. In April I kept waiting and waiting and never got my period. I felt awful. I was nauseous and dizzy I had cramps and mood swings I had to pee a lot. Suddenly I thought to myself,"oh my Gosh, could I be pregnant?" Mike decided early on in our marriage that we would wait two years before we tried to conceive and since we decided that I often have changed my mind and wanted a baby sooner. Mike, however, being the steadfast man that he is, reminded me of the reasons we decided to wait and put his foot down. I felt a bit like a child not getting what she wanted and therefore was very happy and excited at this new possibility that I might be carrying a little baby. I rushed out and got a pregnancy test. Negative. I was slightly disappointed but I figured that it just wasn't the right time for us. However, 3 more weeks passed and I was experience no period and even more symptoms...time for another test.

This past Sunday I made Mike go out and get an early pregnancy test. I peed on the stick and waited for the 3 minutes. Negative.WHY? I felt betrayed by my body. I felt pregnant. I didn't get my period I have felt horrible for more than a month. I felt enraged and then I erupted. I threw the pregnancy test across the room. Yelling profanities,I kicked the fan that was in my path and pushed Mike away when he tried to console me. I flung myself on the bed and wailed. I called God stupid. I told Mike to "stop singing that stupid song" that he was singing to cheer me up. I screamed, "I HATE MY LIFE...I WANT TO DIE". I knew that I was acting like a child and as Mike slowly backed out of the room and shut the door I felt a wave of remorse wash over me. I got up and went to hug Mike. He welcomed me with opened arms and whispered words of encouragement to me as I sobbed into his shirt. What a good man. Mike took me to see a movie and to lunch to cheer me up. I was still pissy and I kept having to apologize. I can't believe what he put up with. He told me that he loves me and I love him and that means loving each other all the time even when things are difficult. What a good man. Seriously. What a wonderful man.

I still haven't fully gotten my period yet. I feel better inside, though which is a huge improvement. I hate feeling like I want to kill someone and I hate being unkind to Mike. Hopefully God will heal me from this problem but until he does it is wonderful to know that I have a wonderful husband who loves me no matter what.

Fantasy

I just want to say that I love fairies. I love them. I think that they are beautiful and it always makes me imagine that there is a fun magical world that we can't see. I like to believe in that world. I like to believe in Santa and elves, and all of the stuff that adults aren't suppose to believe in. I love Harry Potter. Many Christians I have encountered are angry when I say that I like fairies and Harry Potter. It is as if I said that I love Satan. I don't know why they should be so angered. I am not a witch nor do I want to be. I haven't tried to cast a spell on them or hex their families. I am a Christian and I don't practice witchcraft. Whatever. I don't understand people sometimes.

motivation

I need some. I have been sitting here by the computer with the broom in my hand staring out at the faded red painted fence and the wind blown trees. If I crouch down a little and tilt my head up I can pretend that it isn't a parking lot but a country scene and I imagine that there is a cute little cottage with a stream running through the lush green meadow. oh, who are we kidding...it is just a parking lot. It is OK though. There are no cars there just now and at least I see a little bit of nature. I need to get motivated and go clean the kitchen.

Being content

Being content is something that I have never mastered. It seems like every stage of life I am in, I am looking forward to the next. Now, generally there is nothing wrong with hoping for the future or planning with certain goals in mind. I am talking about when you feel like there is always something that you don't have that is the key to your happiness. For example, when I was a teenager I wanted to drive. I thought my life would be so happy if I could just drive. I began to drive and it was awesome...until the novelty wore off. Then it was if I could only graduate from high school. If I could find a better job. If I could only make more money, if I could only find love, if I could only be married, if I could only be rich, if I could only have a baby...and so on. You know what this "if only" way of thinking got me? A: More if onlys.

What causes this? I seriously want to know. When I am constantly looking forward to the next thing in my life, I am unable to enjoy the present time. So, that presents regrets and a feeling of nostalgia. If only I could still be a teenager, if only I didn't have to work. If only I still worked there. It never ends. I have become aware and annoyed at this pattern in my life and am trying to nip it in the bud.

So, I am happy to be 30, married, childless, a massage therapist, a substitute teacher, living in an apartment, in Northeast Philly, with a car that is almost paid off and owner of one cat.

now

So it turns out that now is a pretty good time for us. I mean, we are moved in to our new apartment and getting to know the area. It is actually lovely around here and easy to get places. There are a lot of stores and restaurants, movie theaters, and other fun stuff withing a few miles.

I am working pretty regularly with the company that employs me to do chair massage and I was recently hired by Harris school, formerly Deep Muscle Therapy, as a substitute. That has been fun and has been giving me some work as well. Things aren't quite as tight financially because of the money I am bringing in. I mean, we still are pretty poor but at least we aren't completely broke.

I feel less guilty because I am contributing financial and Mike is less stress out because of that and his short commute to work. I would say the guilt of not helping financially and watching mike work so hard only for our bills to barely be paid was a stress that I have never felt before. I hope I don't experience it again. It is truly horrible.

Things have been going pretty well for us and I am trying not to have the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" mentality. I am praying that this time of rest for us lasts a while and that things continue to get better.