Things are pretty fine

Things have been going pretty well lately. I have been working double shifts which means I am gone from 7:45am until about 10:45pm monday through thursday and then hav a normal shift on Friday. It has been rough but only because my body is rebelling against me. I always get this excruciating pain in my scapula area which then refers pain to my chest. I first got it at my first teaching job when I was working days and nights and it was so painful I thought I was having a heart attack. Well anyway, I am finishing up the double shifts this week and then I will have my usual two weeks off. I need it to recover. Hopefully I will never have to work double shifts again unless I need the money.

We are having Brian and Nina over tonight. We always enjoy being with them. I have been much more social lately and I realize that it is easier for me to be social when I have exercised. I guess my social anxiety is body issue related.

That all I want to say for now.

Support forums

So, I will be honest, as usual. I have struggles with things that I am sure a lot of people struggle with but generally when you are feeling bad you tend to feel alone also. I have wonderful family and friends that I can talk to when I need support but I have also tried some online forums that are geared towards encouragement for certain issues. I find them to be useless. The reason I find them useless is that everyone on there is in so much pain that they aren't really looking to help they are looking to get help. At least, that is what it seems. I have joined 2. I have tried to encourage people but when I write something I get very few responses and the ones I get are pretty lame. Usually they are just an emoticon. Like I write something sad and someone just responds with a sad smiley. Helpful. I just decided that I can't do it anymore. Maybe I am needy but it just seems sad that a support forum ends up making a person feel worse. Oh well. I hope they help some people.


In other news: These coming two weeks are going to be really rough for me. I will be working 11 hours days. Prayer would be appreciated.

I wish I wasn't such a slave to my emotions. Like right now I am sitting on the sofa watching Bringing Baby Home(which I really should not do) and feeling really cranky that I can't have a baby. This crankiness then turns into a feeling of hopelessness. I feel like I will never ever ever have a baby. I feel like a spoiled brat because I want one. I do not want to adopt. I want to conceive and carry a child. I want that baby to be a part of Mike and me. I want a baby now. I do not want to wait until I am older. I am almost 32. I feel like that is old enough. We have been trying for over two years. I am so tired of waiting.

On the flip side. I know God has a plan. I know that there are children that need homes. I know that babies are life changing and it can be really tough. I know that I probably brought on my trouble myself because I am fat. I know that there are people who have been trying for much longer than we have. People who have lost babies. People who have lost older children. I know all this. But... still.

Sorry I keep posting lame things.

Surgery

Tomorrow I have my surgery to remove the uterine polyp. I have hope that it will go well and that the procedure will increase my chance of conception. I am a bit nervous, though. I am nervous to have the procedure done even though I am sure it will be no big deal. I am also nervous that I still won't conceive and then I will have to face the fact that I just might never have a baby.I think if I just knew for sure that I couldn't that it would be easier than not knowing. I felt that way about getting married too. If I just knew that there was no one for me then I would have been able to move on with my life. But it was a wonderful surprise to find that Michael was meant for me.

Speaking of Michael, I do believe that he is my soulmate. Last night when he was tucking me in and we were praying and doing devotions I happened to ask him if he would remarry if I died. He said that he would not. I asked him why and he explained that he only wants me. He couldn't imagine marrying anyone else. We have talked before about the fact that he didn't want to get married until he met me. He wanted to spend his life with me not just anyone. How humbling and amazing to me. I feel the same way about him. I could never imagine anyone being able to make me happy like Mike does. He takes care of me. He makes me laugh. We talk about things. He wants me to be happy. He apologizes when he wrongs me and he REALLY means it. It is amazing to me. How truly wonderful.

So, anyway. That is just what I felt like saying.

My day

Where is my brain these days? No really, that wasn't rhetorical.

Today, I heard the alarm go off and I dragged myself out of bed. I sat on the toilet and did the stare-y thing where I could be there for minutes or hours because I am just thinking about nothing looking at the radiator.Not going to the bathroom. Just sitting and staring. I forced myself to get up and into the shower. Turned the hot water on and hopped in. Burned myself cause I forgot to turn on the cold water too. Stood in the shower and did the stare-y thing. This time I was looking at the floor of the tub. Forced myself to wash and condition hair and suds all the proper places. Forced myself to dry off completely. Usually I prefer to air dry some. Made my breakfast. Ate the breakfast. Got the coffee. Got in the car. Got gas. Drove to 95. Waited in usually traffic jam. Sang to Mindy Smith Christmas album. Turned on the massaging seat cover Mike just bought me. Turned it off cause it was making me sound weird and after all you never know if there is someone hiding in your backseat that was going to kill you but then he hears your beautiful voice and realizes he cannot slay this voice of an angel(yes, I really was scared of that when I was younger). Drove my usual 50 minuted to Delaware. Got all my stuff out of the car and went to talk to my fellow teacher. "Heeeey, what's going on?"she asks. I say,"Oh just coming to teach my class". "Wait, your new class doesn't start tomorrow" she says with a look of confusion on her face. I start laughing. Of course my class doesn't start until tomorrow. New classes ALWAYS start on a Tuesday. I am officially retarded. Sorry, mentally challenged.

So, I figured I will do some tax free shopping and go to lunch and a movie with my Mom and Grandmother.

We saw 4 Christmases. It was funny in spots but semi painful to watch.

I am tired from my big day.

D'oh

I am have been doing pretty well lately. I have started going back to VCF (oops not today) and have been depending on God for the things I need. I have been going through some things. Please feel free to share your thoughts. I mean, as long as they are helpful and insightful. Don't be mean.

First of all, Mike and I did the thing that Bruce told us to do about resisting Satan and/his mean little toadies. As soon as we did that it seemed that things started falling apart left and right. However, I believe that God is good so maybe all the attacks were meant to be much worse than they are. Here are the things I/we are dealing with that could use prayer...

1. Infertility-Truth be told Mike and I have been trying to conceive for about 2 years. We starting seeing a fertility doctor and found out the following things.

A. I have insulin resistance. My body makes too much insulin and the doesn't use it. Therefore I crave sugar and gain weight without trying. I KNEW there was something up with that. Upon further blood tests they also saw that my fasting sugar was really high. I need more tests but they put me on Metformin. Blood sugar issues run in my family. My Greatgrandmother, grandfather, mom and dad all have sugar problems. My dad has diabetes. I am one step away from that.

B. I have a polyp on my uterus. After testing they discovered abnormal cells. So I need to have that removed via D&C.

C.Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome


D. I have low iron.


No wonder I feel exhausted all the time and I can't get pregnant.Sheesh. Please just pray for me.

Don't feel like writing anymore just now. Will continue later.

blah.

This is an honest post and it is not meant to manipulate or hurt anyone's feeling. It is just how I have been feeling lately.

I have always had a group of friends that I care about. Though people have come in and out of my life I have always had people that I knew would always be there for me. I felt that even if I didn't communicate with friends for awhile I knew that they were always there if I needed them. Always walking with me through life even if they were on a different path. I could just call and they would be there. This has always been a security to me. I haven't felt alone because I knew that there were people that care right there. If I called one friend and they didn't answer I knew I could call another and they would be there.

My friendships have always come so easily to me. I mean, these close friends of mine are such a joy to be friends with it hasn't been any work. I mean, sometimes we have hit a rough patch or two but these friendships have overcome those things.

To me it is tedious when you feel like a friendship is forced. I have had friendships where I have struggled to hang on to them because I really care about the person. I call them.But I realize they don't call me. I ask them to do stuff. But I realize that they are never asking me to do anything. I think maybe they are going through a rough time. Then I realize that they are calling people and doing things just not with me. I feel hurt but I let it blow over. I think that things will get better in time. But they don't. I then have to do the thing that I don't like to do. I stop calling. Stop asking them to do stuff and hope that it was just my imagination. I hope and pray that they reach out to me so I then can say that there really is a friendship there. It isn't me just hanging onto something that isn't really there.

All this to say that I sadly have realized that I have to let go of some of the friendships that I have been clutching to. I feel like I might just have to realize that these friendships have moved to a different stage. We won't talk on the phone. We won't hang out. We will kind of feel weird when we see each other because we used to be so close. These people have other people that are filling their social needs. I feel sad because I love them and hurt because I feel replaceable. I don't mean that I will shut them out. Of course I would love to be friends with them. I feel like I just can't force something that the other person or people don't want.

This may sound pathetic and maybe it is. But I feel really lonely for the first time in a long time. I mean lonely for friends besides Mike, though I love him dearly. My sisters are away and I feel like some of my friends really just don't care about me anymore. I hope this is just a phase but sadly, I don't think it is.

Yay for stuff

Here are some things I love so much so much right now...

My house-
I have some curtains up downstairs and some pictures up and it feels really cozy. It feels like home and I feel safe here.

My marriage-
Not to say that we still don't have our arguments but after three years of marriage things are working much better. I feel like I am getting the hang of things. Still, I have MUCH to learn.

My cats-
I always love my cats but I am learning that they are awesome little friends and I don't need a dog to entertain me. My cats are entertaining, smart(they sit for a treat),loyal(the figs always licks my tears away) and independent without being aloof. Plus they are extremely adorable.

My job-
It is two weeks a month plus a few days extra here and there. I am teaching the basics, after all it is an intro class. The school is small and only teaches massage. The other teachers are nice and the students are not going to "cut" anyone. HUGE step up in class, I must say.

Our country-
I am so happy that our country is ready for change and can stand up and say,"yeah, this isn't working for me" and DO something about it!

The holiday-
Always a happy time for me and I am really looking forward to getting people presents this year. I am especially looking forward to getting mike his Ipod touch. It isn't a surprise but he really wants and deserves it.

Welp that is all I am feeling like writing now.

Obituary

This is my grandfather's obituary. Just thought I would post it.


John Williams Jr. of Middletown, formerly of Naples, Fla., and Springfield, Pa., passed away Saturday, Oct. 4, 2008. He was 89.
Mr. Williams was born Aug. 4, 1919, in Philadelphia, son of the late John and Irene (Evens) Williams.
After graduation from Olney High School in Philadelphia, Mr. Williams attended Pennsylvania State College (now University) and received a Bachelor of Science in chemical engineering in 1942. His numerous collegiate honors and activities included Sigma Tau, Tau Beta Pi and Pi Mu Epsilon.
As a communications officer with the United States Navy during World War II, he served on the aircraft carrier USS San Jacinto, the same vessel as President George H. W. Bush.
Mr. Williams was highly successful in the business world. He was an engineer and later co-owner of Pneumatics & Hydraulics, a company in Malvern, Pa.
For many years, he was an active member of St. James Methodist Church in Philadelphia; Covenant Methodist Church in Springfield, where he sang in the choir and headed the Men’s Club; and the United Church of Christ in Naples, an area to which he retired and lived with his wife for more than 30 years.
His community affiliations included the Rotary Club in Springfield and memberships in two golf clubs. In addition to golf, he was an accomplished athlete who excelled in baseball and basketball. In his later life, he became an avid ping pong player.
Next to his loving family, his favorite passion was golf. He belonged to Rolling Green Golf Club in Springfield for many years, during which he won a few championships. He played at the Vineyard Country Club and Quail Run Golf Club in Naples. He was happy with two holes in one.
Mr. Williams was a gifted musician. He played the piano by ear, deftly working out melodies without the use of written music, and he strummed the ukulele with ease.
He was highly intelligent, engaging, outgoing and known for his optimistic, positive approach to life. If someone asked how he was feeling, his quick reply would be “Terrific!” Never one to take himself too seriously, he sometimes referred to himself whimsically as “Big Bad John.”
Equally comfortable in both individual conversations and large groups, his genuine love of people showed in his generosity to charitable causes and support of the arts. Attending plays and the Naples Philharmonic were especially pleasurable pastimes.
The hallmarks of his life included those of a multi-talented man with wide-ranging interests, and above all, an abiding love for family and friends.
In addition to his parents, he was preceded in death by a brother, Winfield; a sister-in-law, Louise W. Felton; and two brothers-in-law, Maurice P. Felton and William M. Felton.
He is survived by his devoted wife of 62 years, Mable Elizabeth “Bette” (Felton) Williams, whom he married June 1, 1946; a daughter and a son-in-law, Joan F. W. and Robert A. DiNatale of Middletown; a son, John Douglas Williams and his partner, George Hizny, of Fort Lauderdale, Fla.; three granddaughters and three grandsons-in-law, Darby Elizabeth and Jason Latshaw, Meredith Lee and Michael Morris, and Lindsay Felton and Collin Palkovitz; two great-grandchildren, Lyric Elizabeth Latshaw and Oliver Seth Latshaw; and two sisters-in-law, Myrtle Felton and Rose Williams.
Mr. Williams’ family extends a warm thank you to Dr. Beth Renzulli and her ever-loyal aide, Erika Cruz and to Kelly McKay of Delaware Hospice.
Services are private.
Memorial contributions may be sent to Delaware Hospice Inc., 911 S. DuPont Highway, Dover, DE 19901.
Arrangements by Daniels & Hutchison Funeral Home LLC, Middletown.

Last night I started sobbing because I remembered that Poppop died. It was like a person with Alzheimer's. I literally didn't remember and then I was hiding under my sheets looking at them and I realized that they used to be Mommom and Poppop's and I was like,"Oh I feel like I haven't seen Poppop in forever I should...Oh he is dead."Sob Sob Sob. I started talking and I told God to give him the message if he(PP) couldn't hear me and then I heard really loudly in my head,"I LOVE YOU MURRY". It was his voice and I know it was him.Even now I am crying....cause he was so wonderful and such a special special person.

Yeah, I know I wrote Murry. That is how my mom's side of the family says my name. Why does it hurt so much inside. He had such a long and great life. I want him here. I miss him so much.

Election day

Welp, I voted. It was a piece a cake. Well it was a little difficult finding the place. It looked like a liquor store from the street. Waaaaaait....maybe it was. No WONDER there was no line. Anyway, I did push some buttons so hopefully it works out. I feel a little nervous in my stomach. I really want my candidate to win. I REALLY do. I truly believe that it would be best for the country. Sorry this is lame, I am distracted by the news.

I am feeling bad today so I guess I will just write and hope that I feel better when I am done.I am not going to worry about paragraphs or grammer.Here it goes. I feel sad today. I got my period which is a good thing except for the fact that it means that I am not pregnant...yet again. Mike and I have been officially trying for over a year. I have been trying(and maybe God is punishing me) for the past three years. Mike and I have already resolved the fact that I was trying to have a baby when he wasn't onboard. True to Mike's style he forgave me right away and told me that he kind of knew. Anyway, I am 31...closer to 32 and I want a baby really badly. I didn't always want a baby in fact, I thought that it would be better for a child if they didn't inherit my family's, um, ahem, issues. I also thought that perhaps I was responsible enough, or healthy enough, or unselfish enough. But you know, after years of seeing complete idiots having children I am fairly certain that I would be a great mom. I think Mike would be a great dad. We have a cozy home and I know that we would give a child so much love. I really knew that I would have trouble concieving and that isx why I starting trying so early. I thought it was ridiculous to use birth control when I knew I wasn't getting pregnant. I also struggle with feeling like I don't deserve to concieve easily. I feel like I have waited for everything I have wanted. I feel like my life has always been a huge struggle. Why not now? I also feel like I brought it on myself because of being overweight. Arg. That is all I feel like writing now. I need help. Mike and I are going to a fertility doctor in a few weeks. I just hope there is some help.

Feeling better

You know, I have this habit of feeling like the world is ending whenever I am having a hard time. It is easy for me to slip into a dark place and to think that life will never be good again. Why do I do this? Oh well, it doesn't matter. I am feeling better now. I think I am feeling better because it is the fall.

The fall is extremely wonderful to me. I always have good memories of walks at Winterthur through the paths lined with trees. Looking all around me there was nothing but vibrant red,orange, and yellow and I would breathe in the smell of well, change. Our house would always smell like the fireplace which was burning constantly as the weather got cooler and it seemed like there was always football on the t.v.

Some night we would have bonfires outside and eat S'mores and talk. We actually did that last weekend and it was fun.


Now falls has new fun memories and things to look forward to. Mike and my anniversary was yesterday but we are celebrating today by going to the Poconos for the night. I am excited. I can't believe we have been married for three years. Mike is a wonderful husband and I feel so blessed to be his wife.

Sad

Some of you know that my grandfather died on Saturday morning. It was crazy because he has rallied so many times that we all kind of thought he would rally again.

Mike and I stayed at my parents house this weekend and Darby was home because we both were in Laura's wedding. My uncles are up from Florida and Linds and Col were home too.That is amazing. We were all here. It was God.

My mom called my dad on Saturday but he was in the shower so I answered the phone. My mom told me that I might want to visit Poppop cause he wasn't doing well. She didn't want to tell me how bad he was because of the wedding but I felt an urgency and went down there. When I pulled in my mom yelled down that if I ran I might be able to make it before he died. WHAT???!!! So I ran up the three flights of stairs and saw my grandmother sitting next to Poppop talking to him. I went in and gave him a kiss and told him I loved him. Then we sat down with him. My grandmother was still talking to him. Telling him all the people he would see in heaven. She said that he had fought so hard but it was ok to go. She said she loved every inch of him. Then she kissed him again. His breathing got slower and slower and then it stopped. It was a very surreal moment. Just my mom, my grandmother and me, sitting there crying while my grandfather breathed his last breath.

I called my sisters and broke the news. Mike and my dad came in and then Linds and Col and my uncle.

The saddest part was when they took his body away. My grandmother was just saying,"no no they are taking him, my John, they can't take him, not my John," that was heart wrenching. They had been married for 62 years and were always together. My grandmother was completely dependent on him. I cannot imagine losing Mike. It has only been three years of married and we are so entwined. I cannot imagine 62 years.

Anyway, I feel like I should write more about my grandfather's life and I will. But not now.

I love you Poppop. There is now a huge hole in the family but we know we will see you again someday.

October

I have started a new post several times about how much I love this month. I think it will be a good post. My mind however, is preoccupied with bridesmaid things for Laura's wedding on Saturday. So far, my undergarment that I ordered was allegedly delivered and taken off my front porch. My dress was supposed to be done Wed and it isn't yet. Darby and I are singing a song she wrote and I have yet to hear it. The wedding is tomorrow. The rehearsal is tonight. Zoinks. I am a tad stressed. Still, this stress is way better than the bad kind of, mean woman at work, hate your job, kind of stress.

I will write my October post later.

free at last

Yesterday I left my job. 2 days early. I walked out. I should feel guilty but I actually feel fantastic. On Wednesday my friend from work went in and told the director all about this mean person and how she was treating me. I went in later and explained that she was the reason I was leaving. Yesterday the mean person was furious. I could feel her rage when she walked in the room. She started being especially mean and when I went to say something to her she walked out and slammed the door. So I got up, said goodbye to my friend and left. It felt great. I then went to an interview and got another teaching job.

FALL!!!

Yesterday my mother, my sister, and I went fruit picking at Lindvilla Orchards in Media. We used to go to this place all the time when we were little. It is a little different because the original building burned down and was replaced with a smaller building but it actually still smells the same. It is a mixture of apple pie baking and fall. I can't explain it. You would just have to smell it to understand.

We took a hayride to the actual orchard and picked our apples and peaches. We had some nice conversation and female bonding. The sky was clear and deep blue. The air was crisp and fresh. I couldn't help feeling peaceful and happy.


Last night I made an apple pie. It was pretty tasty.

Dentist

I went to the Dentist today. I haven't been to a dentist in about 6 years and was kind of scared that he was going to say that my mouth was full of cavities. I have never had a cavity and the thought of having one makes me feel really sad.

Turns out I still don't have any cavities. It is great but it is also really strange. No one else that I know has never had a cavity. I don't even take exceptional care of my teeth. I only brush once a day usually, floss occasionally and there are some days when I forget to do both.

Oh well, awesome for me!

Yay.

So far I have lost 16lbs since I started weight watchers. I am proud of myself though I do have a lot more to lose. I just have to see every pound as a huge victory and have rewards for myself at different milestones.

Yesterday we went to the Eagles game and had really great seats. It was hot as all get out. I kept looking at the cheerleaders because we were close enough to see their faces. They weren't all that beautiful but they all had very tiny bodies. I was a little jealous.

I am tired and anxious about work. I don't feel like writing more now because I am writing in short sentences like a second grader reading an essay on their summer vacation. I apologize.

Learning

I often wonder if God puts me in situations that I can't handle myself just so that I will remember that he exists. DUH. Like this situation with work. I have tried everything in my power to make the situation better and it just keeps getting worse. Being that there are spies everywhere (if you think I am being paranoid just shoot me an email and I will explain) I won't go into too much detail here but let's just say that there is a spiritual battle at work. Both the other christian that I work with and I are quite aware of that.

I guess the the thing that I most have to realize in this situation is that I dwell in the shelter of the most high God. I am not alone. I am not an orphan. I have prayed and had others pray and now I just need to be at peace with the fact that God will handle things in His way and in His time. That is so hard for me to do. I want the pain to go away now. I know that His grace is sufficient for each situation and I am asking for that grace to cover me. I pray specifically that the truth will set me free.

I was speaking to a friend of mine yesterday who was directly involved in my newest conflict(with the same person) at work though my friend doesn't even work at the same place, and she is praying specifically that obstacles will be removed for God's will to be done. Now, knowing that God wants good things for his children I have to believe that he doesn't want me to be working in such a hostile environment especially when I have done everything in my power to resolve things. Therefore, I believe that he will either help me to find another job or this specific person who is cause so much turmoil will be removed someway. The latter seems impossible so therefore I am thinking that God will have another job for me. It is sad though because I really love teaching my students.

Oh well. Please pray for me...whatever you are led to pray.