Time marches on

I cannot believe that August is over. When I was little it seemed like time dragged on forever. I was always waiting for something that seemed like it would never come. A birthday, Christmas, a vacation or spending the night at a friend's house. I was always told by adults that when you get older time flies by. I didn't believe them but man, it really is true. Fall is just around the corner. I personally believe that September is fall and it annoys me that it is still considered summer.

I love the fall as I have said many times. I love the winter too and I hope there is a ton of snow this year. I would say my favorite time of year is the 22nd of October until January 2. Anniversary, Thanksgiving, Mike's birthday, Christmas. Wonderful times.

As you may be able to tell, I am feeling a lot better. I had forgotten to take my meds for a couple of days and that coupled with "that time of the month" merged into the perfect storm of depression. However, all is right with the world now. Our neighbors have been much quieter lately. I still pray daily that they don't come back. I have started cleaning my house which always makes me feel better. I have this week off so I am going to do a deep clean.

Right now I have the windows and doors open so there is fresh air. I like the sound of the traffic outside. I feel peaceful.

I' been staring for a while. I don't know how long it has been. It may have been minutes, maybe hours. I feel like I should look at the clock. I don't look at the clock because I really don't care what time it is. Everything hurts. It hurts to move, to think, to try to cheer up. It all takes effort that I just don't want to expend.

I ask myself the same questions that I always do. I hate these questions. I feel so fucking pitiful. I feel like I should be past all this by now. Who AM I for fucks sake? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I have what I want? Why do I feel so sorry for myself? Why do I want to do things that are harmful to me and why for the LOVE OF GOD don't I change what I don't like about myself.

I just want to sleep. I just want too be high all of the time. I just want to be high. All. of. the. time. Maybe I was fine this past week. I can't remember. Maybe I'll feel great tomorrow. I hope I will. I see my therapist on Tues. It has been too long. I don't want to have to be in therapy forever. I can't stand myself right now. Maybe it is a really good thing that I can't conceive. Maybe God is sparing a child from one extremely fucked up mother. Sorry.

Turmoil

I feel like I must ask why is it that I can be so universally affected by things. Let me back up a bit. I love the ocean and I love swimming. I feel instantly better about life as soon as I become weightless in the water.I remember this one time being in the gulf of Mexico in Naples, Fl. The gulf is usually relatively calm and you could wade out pretty deep while still being in waist deep water. One time I was out enjoying the water when all of a sudden I found myself rolling along the sandy floor of the gulf. My body was getting really cut up and I was terrified that I was going to die. It was extremely unpleasant. That wave came out of nowhere and turned me upside down. Now it seems like I can go along totally happy in life and then something comes along like a rogue wave and knocks me down. From that point on for a really long time I feel like I am churning on the bottom of the ocean. The sad thing is that usually the wave is an issue that wouldn't be a huge deal to other people.

For example, Our really bad neighbors. We have never had bad neighbors before and these people are really tough to deal with. We have the fact that there is a group of loud teenagers on our front porch at all hours of the night. We have the perpetual trash heap both on the shared steps and flowing into our yard. We have the swarm of flies that is constantly buzzing around their trashcan because they put dirty diapers in there without a bag which now buzz around our trashcan cause they use that too. We had the incident of a kid climbing on to our roof. A piece of our steps has been broken off and our alarm system sign was stuck upside down into the ground. We have the fact that someone uses our hose without asking. This is indeed extremely annoying behavior but I feel hopeless. I feel anxious. I feel like my world is crumbling. I have panic attacks. I sobbed last night when we got home from Maine cause I just wanted to move there. I feel like these people are ruining my life. I don't want them to have that power but there is literally nothing to be done. We have tried saying something to them and we have tried being nice. I clean up the trash. I say hi to them when I see them.

Ok, I will admit something that is embarrassing to admit. I am embarrassed that I feel this way and embarrassed to admit it but I will. Here it goes...I think I might be prejudiced. I think that after the many bad experiences I have had with a certain race, I kind of feel like I don't like this group of people much. I wish I didn't feel this way. I have always tried to be a non racist person but it just feels like a certain race is the cause of a lot of the problems in my life right now. I know it isn't a race thing in my heart. I know what bothers me are inconsiderate, uneducated, selfish people and that can be any race at all. It is just sad that these people are acting in a stereotypical way. I hate that. I don't want to think that everyone in this race is the same way but it is really hard right now.

There. I admitted it. Feel free to think I am horrible.

Hi.

I have found recently that I say "hi" to strangers a lot more. I smile a lot more. I hold doors for people. I think this is nice. I have decided that even if people don't say hi or smile back at least I did my part. I have been trying hard lately to be a kind person. I don't think I am an unkind person by nature but it is very hard for me to hide my annoyance at people and situations. I am working on that. You know what else I have found out recently? If I pray for help to have peace or to not be annoyed at someone, God usually helps out. It's nice.

Mike and I are leaving on Saturday to go to Bar Harbor, Maine with my family. I am excited. We hired a pet sitter to come to our house twice while we are gone. I hope it works out and the cats aren't too mad or dead when we get home. I think two times during the week is good right? I mean, they have stayed a couple of nights by themselves a lot of times. I'm sure it will be fine.

I have started eating a low carb diet because of the insulin resistance. I feel pretty good today. I love carbs. It might get really hard.

bleh

I haven't been feeling well lately. I stopped taking my sugar medication because it went up to 50.00 a month and I was feeling better. Of course I was feeling better, I was on the meds. Yesterday I had a horrible sugar episode. I was sweating profusely, extremely weak and dizzy. Mike forced me to eat a cookie I started feeling better. I couldn't really talk cause my brain wasn't working. It was bad news.

Second issue:
I have been struggling with forgiveness. There is a person who has been in my life for a few years and I have known for awhile that they are not a safe person. I haven't been forced to spend too much time with said individual but recently spent a chunk of time with them. I can't go into details but this situation is odd. This person sees their own reality. They don't see truth at all and they cannot be convinced of anything that they do not want to see. I have been hurt by this person but there is no remedy for the situation. I simply have to forgive to keep my sanity and not put strain on other relationships that I hold dear. It is frustrating.

That is all.

Not much to say

I thought I would write a new post though I do not have anything that big to say. Just a few small things,

1. I am extremely excited about the upcoming wedding of my dearest friend, Elizabeth SJ Letham. She has asked me to be a Maid/Matron of honor (her sister is the other one)


2. I had a dream last night that Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) was my boyfriend. It was a really good dream. He bit me. I liked it.

3. I am unbelievable exhausted today and I do not know why. Must have been that dream.

imagination

I am so blessed to have an imagination. I sincerely feel sorry for those who cannot conjure up anything other than reality. Frankly, my imagination has kept me going through the years. It keeps me from getting bored and it helps me to be empathetic in many situations. Sometimes I wonder if I use my imagination in a way that is harmful. I know I have used it as an escape from my life in the past but on the whole I feel that it brings me joy and I don't feel like that is wrong. One of my favorite things to imagine is that I live in a cottage in the woods and there are all sorts of mystical creatures hiding in the yard. I literally imagine that I do not live in the city but the country. Just past the woods that surround our house is a lush meadow with thousands of wildflowers. If you look further you will see the ocean which is crystal clear. That is where the mermaids live. They like to swim with the dolphins and wave at me.

That is what I am imagining right now. It is a nice place to be.

new post

I feel like I have been so busy lately but it actually feels really good to be so. I have to say that coming off of the intense practice schedule leading up to Godspell left me exhausted yet used to being busy. Oh wait, maybe I should comment about Godspell. Ok, I'll sum it up because I have a lot of feelings about it.

I loved doing Godspell and I hope we get a chance to do it again. We went from kind of sucking to being absolutely fabulous. I got closer to a great bunch of people and really had fun working towards this end goal.
I am really proud of myself for a couple of things. Firstly, I am proud that I committed to doing it and then didn't punk out. Although many a mishap kept me from feeling great I still went to the majority of rehearsals.I made it even though I live about 1 hour and 1/2 away. A huge goal of mine was to stop make commitments and then backing out. Although it was tough, it was totally worth it in so many ways. Secondly, I was really nervous to perform and have actually had confidence issues for a long time. A fear of what other would think of the only"fat" one in the show. I am proud of myself for trying out and then performing. Though Saturday night I was very nervous I pulled off Sunday without so much as a stomach flutter. Ok, maybe one or two flutters before I got on stage but nothing as soon as I started to perform. Thirdly, I am proud of my performance. I think I did really well.

Moving on...

I usually hate 4th of July almost as much as New Year's Eve. Those are the 2 holidays of which I have a myriad of bad memories. 4th of July means hot hot humid heat, bugs biting and buzzing, and lots and lots of boredom. Buuuuuuut...this year was great!! The weather was perfect. PERFECT!! Warm with a nice breeze. We spent the majority of the day at my parents for a picnic. They got a smallish above ground pool which I played in for hours like a child. My mom and Lyric against me and Ollie in a water gun fight. Ollie cleverly got out of the pool and landed several sniper shots to our opponents faces. We tried to make a whirpool by running in circles and chanting,"whirl-pool whirl-pool". It didn't really work. We floated around on rafts and then got out and ate yummy ribs and other tasty food. Although I swim virtually everyday it is so much more fun to be in a private pool acting like I don't have a care in the world. Frankly, yesterday I really didn't have any cares. It is exactly how summer should be. Then Mike and I left and went to an annual party at Sarah and Kevin's, Mike's friends from college. I got to see my lovely friend , Martha.

It was just a great day. I feel so tired right now. I need a rest. Again, I don't feel like checking my work so sorry if there are typos.

pray for me

I just want to know why I keep being confronted with the same horrible situation. Wait, backing up a bit. When I was younger it was almost like I had a neon arrow over my head that said,"Perverts stop here". I mean bad things over and over again. For some reason I moved on from that and for the past maybe 15 years I have had another neon arrow inviting a new and almost more traumatic predator...the horrible mean, overbearing, aggressive, irrational and lying downright EVIL female that makes my life a living hell. I shall explain.

If you have been reading my blog for awhile you may recall a certain lead teacher at a job of mine that was horribly unfair and mean spirited towards me. I was so happy, heck, I felt completely blissful when I no longer had to see her. Life went along well for awhile and my job has been great. Well, on Friday I had a negative experience with a student. This was not a student of mine and in fact I had never met her before. To make a long story short she was incredible rude to both me and the other students that were present. I calmly spoke to her after everyone else was gone and she got really disrespectful. I am REALLY being nice here and not going into all the details. Anyway, I spoke to my lead teacher, who is a good guy, and he backed me up and said that I was 100% right and that the student was in the wrong.

Today after school the student, the lead teacher and I had a meeting. The student said that she wishes to file a formal complaint about me and then proceeded to say all these false things about me. I mean, it was horrible. She wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise to defend myself and when I finally tried to explain some things she said I was lying. I finally got up and said that I wasn't listening to anymore. I then proceeded to go into the office and cry my eyes out. The lead teacher was very supportive and told me that he was sorry that if he had known she was going to be like that he never would have told me to stay for the meeting. Again, he said that I did nothing wrong and that I have nothing to worry about. Still, it hurt and I felt so mad that I had to deal with that again.

Please pray for me. Not only was this a bad situation but I need to be healed from whatever it is that is attracting these people into my life.

Things I want to say

I have been doing really well with my swimming, I must say. Actually, it is hard for me to say that but I have always felt like after I give myself credit for something I usually mess up big time. However, the book I am reading(well, was reading and have taken a few days off) told me to give credit to myself when I make good choices. I have been doing water aerobics at least 4 days a week. It makes me feel better. I am at the stage where I look a little thinner and my clothes fit better but the scale is only down 2lbs. I am sure it will start to go down soon. I just feel so much healthier and for a girl who has been not well for a long time that is big news.

Tomorrow Mike and I are joining my parents and my grandmother(so sad to not be able to say grandparents)in Ocean city, MD for the next couple of days. http://www.ocmdhotels.com/ocsuites/ at the lovely Holiday inn . It has been an annual trip since 1995. Sadly, Cali fam and Linds and Col will not be joining us. It is so crazy how we added to those who joined us down there. In 1995 I graduated from high school so as a present my parents rented a room for Linds, my two friends and me. The next year Jason and darby were married and were down. Eventually we added Collin to the mix then a little girl named Lyric then a little boy named Ollie then a hot guy named Mike. Mike actually joined us before we were married. We shared a room which is so bizarre because the room was attached to my parents and they were usually really strict about us spending the night with our boyfriends.As in, we weren't allowed.I was 28 and Mike was 31 so I guess they thought if anything happened it wouldn't be that huge of a deal. We didn't share a bed. Just to make things clear. Why am I telling you all of this. I am tired.

Anyway, that is all I feel like talking about now. I feel like it was dumb. Sorry.

Questions for Philadelphians and thosee who pass this way

I feel grumpyish and am glad that I have therapy today. why do I get so mad at people that I don't even know? I get so angry at bad drivers and rude people. Selfish, rude, low class people. do I think I am better? Yeah, I guess I do . Only because I at least TRY to be nice. If someone let's me in, I wave. If I cut someone off I wave an apology. Waving is so easy. It means so much to mean, especially if I have gone out of my way to do something nice.

Here are a few questions I have for the people of Northeast Philadelphia.


Are you unaware of what trash cans are for? Do you have a back condition which hinders you from bending over and picking up your trash so that I don't have to pick up your trash in my yard?

Do you need a hearing aid? Is that why you must blare your music from your car at all hours of the morning and night?

Or is it that your friends are hard of hearing? Is that why you must shout into your cell phone when you are walking down the street "conversatin'"(and do you not know that conversating is not a word)?

Are all you children orphans? Is that why you are able to stand on the street corners to the wee hours of the morning laughing and shouting? Is it because your parents are dead? That is so sad.

Are you really handicapped and are SO handicapped that you are unable to get a sticker that says you are handicapped and it is that you are MENTALLY handicapped because you obviously are not physically handicapped and that is why you park in the handicapped spot?

You must have such a sad life. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Oh, besides work and pay taxes which I am so glad is making it possible for you to get food stamps and daycare paid for and a check once a month so that you can pay for the essentials like getting your foot long nails done. and your new Louis Vuitton bag. Oh, and your Lincoln navigator. Cause after all, we are in hard economic times and it is obviously especially hard on you.

Ugh. Why am I such a bitch?

June 6, 2009

I have been swimming a lot lately which I am proud of. It has gotten to where I would rather make the effort to swim and feel good than sit at home and feel bad. I have started doing water aerobics too. It isn't as easy as it looks. I am however, apparently, the only one under 50 that takes it and therefor look as if I am in great shape. I'm jumping and kicking and punching and jogging and have energy left to spare at the end. It feels great! I feel much more toned and seem to be slimming down a little bit. The only downside is that my body still aches. Today, I guess because of the cold and rainy weather, my legs hurt really badly. Also, if I sleep with my legs out of the covers they feel stiff the whole next day. Which is the case today as well.

Kim Champion, AKA, the best therapist in the world, recommended that I read,"The Beck Weight Loss Solution". It is all about cognitive therapy and applying it to the negative thoughts that sabotage one who struggles with losing weight. It is great so far. I can really relate to a lot of the negative thoughts that I, ridiculously enough, thought were unique to me. If feels so great to know that a lot of other people experience the same negative thought patterns.

Anyway, I have to go to a class and the jacuzzi is calling my achy legs home.

Sorry for typos. I don't feel like checking my work today.

Yesterday

So, in case you were wondering and I am sure you all were, the disclaimer that you have to read before you get to my site is just a precaution because anyone can click on my name and get to my blog. Sometimes I say curse words or sometime I might want to say something that isn't child appropriate. So that is that.

I had a good day. I started therapy again with my favorite therapist at PCPC, Kim Champion. She is a great match for me therapist/patient wise. She isn't pushy but is also not too passive. I am really good at working things out as long as I have someone that I can talk to that doesn't interrupt me and helps me to see truth. My family interrupts a lot. I interrupt too but not as often as someone I love very much named my mother. It feel wonderful to be the center of focus and to know that I am getting healthier. It feels wondeful to be able to talk and talk and know that it is getting me somewhere.YAY! I love therapy. The first time I was in therapy for over a year. We will see how long it will be this time.

Also, keeping with trying to get healthier( I don't like to say,"trying to get healthy" because I am not an unhealthy person. I have a few glitches that need to be worked out). I joined and aquatic center and took a deep water walking class. It is great because it is hard but you don't feel how hard it is until you are out of the water and trying to walk on land.

I have a fertility appointment tomorrow and hopefully I get on a good track. I am really beginning to believe that as soon as I take care of some issues in therapy and start getting my body in shape I will get pregnant.

Prayer would be highly appreciated.

Feeling better

So, I realize that most of the times that I feel depressed and hopeless it is really brought on my either my emotions or hormones being completely out of control. Can you blame a girl who hadn't gotten her period in nearly three months? I think not. I am feeling much better now but still have an appointment on Friday to see if they can help with regulating the periods.

Also, I am going back to my therapist starting Wednesday. I feel like I need help with certain issues and that help needs to be professional.

I seem to either have a fear of failure or a fear of success in areas. Losing weight. Having a baby. Having a dog. With the last two it is also a fear of responsibility or a fear of my life changing to the point of being uncomfortable. I like comfort. I feel like I spend my whole life striving for comfort. It is bizarre to me. I hate not being able to sleep when I want or eat when and what I want. Maybe it is a control thing. Maybe it is a rebellion thing. I don't know and this is why I need help. My therapist really helped me with getting over my fear of men and that was a doozie. After I went through therapy for that issue I ended up being open enough to date and marry my love, Michael. It was perfect timing. Of course, having a baby is also a physical struggle. Things aren't working well. But that is kind of how it was with dating. There didn't seem to be any men around that I had a connection with. I am hoping that when I get my issues worked out I will then be able to conceive.

Anyway, things are looking much brighter and more hopeful. Just thought I would share.

torture

In this exact moment I feel like I hate life. I feel so frustrated and sad and I feel like a huge ball of furious tears is going to tear through my chest in about a second.

I need HELP and I can't get it. I called my previous therapist to see if I could meet with her and she never called back.

I need to go to the doctor and I called aetna to get the name of a gyno and a referral for an ultrasound and their fucking system is down.

I feel so horrible. So so horrible inside.

my dream

Last night I dreamed that I kept taking pregnancy tests and they came out positive. I even took one that showed a range of how far along you are and it said 6-9 weeks. I told my mom and she told Darby before I got a chance to and I was really angry at her. This is a frustrating dream because I haven't had my period in 73 days. Just thought I would share.

My flowers

Here is a picture of some of my flowers.Nice, HUH?

Seriously, I don't mind where I live anymore. I really think my house is so cute even though it is tiny. However, if it were bigger I am sure I would have even MORE trouble keeping it clean. I would really appreciate some more closets and shelves. We have no closet space. One closet in our bedroom and this little nothingburger (as mom would say) closet in the spare room.

Anyway, the area outside is still not completely lovely but I have made it much better looking with flowers. I find flowers so wonderful. It can make even the crappiest of places look cute. I know these people that I love dearly. Their house needs a lot of work due to lack of money and illness which has caused this one person that I love to not do quite as much as he would like to do. Now his wife, who is a precious precious person has done an amazing job of making her gardens looks wonderful. When I look at the house all I see are well placed brights and beautiful flowers. As a matter of fact...When I was first introduced to these people I told their son that I thought the house was cute. He laughed and said,"You are really nice". I was confused.He explained that the house needed a ton of cosmetic work. Strange thing is that I had no recollection of said work to be done.The next time that I was looking for the crappiness I found it. It blew my mind that I hadn't seen it in the first place. All because of the distracting flowers.

Right now I am looking out my screen door at a hanging basket that my parents bought me. I brought some of my roses inside and put them in a vase. I hear birds chirping(the nest that mike wants to move so he can sleep past 5:00am.) I am sitting on my loveseat listening to the 80's music station on Comcast. Figgy pudding is meowing because he wants to go outside.I am getting my hair done tonight.

All is right with the world.

weird symptoms

Something is wrong with me again. I haven't had my period in 2 months, I have had a pain in my right ovary area. I am extremely light headed and tired. I am not pregnant or at least that is what the pregnancy tests say. I go to the doctor tomorrow and hopefully get some help. I think it would be awesome if I really was pregnant but I know that I am not. grr.

Bad dreams

When I was younger I used to take this stuff to help me sleep and it worked really well. I recently started taking it again in order to sleep better and I have found that I have been having horrible dreams. Nightmares, I would say.

I have had a dreamed that Mike slept with someone else.

I dreamed that I was in Naples, Florida where my grandparents used to live but a lot of the gulf of mexico had dried up.It was creepy and horrible looking.

I dreamed that I was kidnapped by the father of a friend from childhood because he was obsessed with me.

The strange thing about the Florida one was that I used to have this nightmare again and again that I was standing on the balcony and the water was really rough and had huge waves. The water just kept rising until it was right up to the bottom of the balcony which meant that everything under the 7th floor of the building was covered in the water.The balcony was crumbling underneath me and I could see huge whales swimming really close to me. It was terrifying.

I also have this dream that I am in my parents neighborhood but mansions have been built up all around it. The a war breaks out and it turns out to be the 3rd world war.

I think I will stop taking the Melatonin.

Fussy

Mike has always called me fussy. He has also made up nicknames that are variations of the word fuss. The most commonly used one is Fussa. Today I am completely fussy. My body aches and everything is annoying me. I feel discontent and am going through my wanting a dog phase.What is my problem? Anyway, I am not allowed to have a dog. I just want to know what this sickness is that keeps thinking,"this time I can do it". Like I said, I can't have a dog so the point is moot but it still bothers me.

I am fussy cause I don't want to feel like I am always discontent. I want to choose to be happy but right now it is hard. I want to eat but I want to be thin. I want to stay home all the time but I also get bored and want to work. We also need the money. I want a baby but I cannot have one. I love my garden but I am impatient for the flowers to bloom. I love who Mike is but I want him to be perfect. I love being in Godspell but I am also annoyed by it.

I hate this post but I am gong to puplish it anyway.