I just heard some news that a guy, that many people I know knew well at one point, killed himself on Sunday. It's strange for me. I know this circumstance is not at all about me and I am not trying to make it be but this is my blog so I will just be honest, as usual. This guy, named Steven or Steve, went to Wilmington Christian School and was a grade ahead of me. My sister in law Judy was good friends with him and when I was in tenth grade I was good friends with his good friends but I only interacted with him a few times. To be honest, the interactions were never good. This isn't saying anything about who he was because like I said, I didn't know him well. It could have been my fault completely or it could have been that we just didn't jive. Who cares, you know? Other people thought he was a great guy. Other people knew him and loved him. I guess the thing that I can't wrap my head around is that he actually killed himself. I've known a few other people that have. Mainly friends of friends. People I have met once or twice. My grandmother's mother killed herself. I know some people that have tried unsuccessfully. The thing that is weird for me is that I have been extremely depressed before. I have been laying on the ground drooling and not being able to move from the kind of depression that literally knocks me to the ground and keeps me there. I've been so depressed that I am literally drunk all day everyday for weeks at a time. I've contemplated dying. I've contemplated making that happen. I've thought about how would be the least painless, most effective way. The thing that has always stopped me is the people who love me. I know there are people in my life who would be completely destroyed. People who would not recover from that. People who just couldn't live a normal life. People who's death would obliterate me. It's so easy for me to think that people who kill themselves are selfish but it's not fair to think that way. When you are suicidal you really can't see past your own pain. You talk yourself into thinking that others would be better off without you. That people would recover and go on with their life. Thing is...they won't. No matter who you are there is someone somewhere who will be devastated by your loss. Anyway, I feel like my thoughts are weird and jumbled. I wanted to get this out, though.