Oh Man!

Darby just sent me this. How can anyone be grumpy when there is a pensive tiger on the loose.(who's fur looks a tad too small)

Back to black

Do you know how horrible it feels to be depressed when you know that you should be happy? Everything is going well and I am getting all that I wanted,all that I thought would make me happy and because I am fucking mentally ill nothing seems good. I just want to claw at my insides. I want to take a knife to the part that is hurting right now and pop it out of my chest. Don't try to point out the good in my life because I know it is there. That is the problem. I know I should be happy.

Well, as you can tell. I am not well. I am back on the fucking lexapro.

Jealous...yet again

I am having one of those days where I feel so inadequate and mediocre. Wait let me start over.
I am a lover of the arts. I am a lover of creativity. I am a lover of money. I am a lover of compliments. Therefore I am extremely jealous of those people who are creative and make cute fun creative things and then sell them for money and have people rave about how cool they are. I am just so not extremely talented and I really just want to be. I wish someone would just teach me how to do something cool so I can amaze people and have people snatch up all the stuff I make. I want to write songs that people think are great. I want to be super good at SOMETHING.

Nice

I finally hit the 5lb lost mark on Weight Watcher's . Whew. that was tough. It will hopefully be easier without the lexapro holding me back. So I have lost about 8lbs altogether. I am happy with that and it gives me hope for the future.

In other news, we go to settlement on the house in 20 days. I am very excited.

Also, Mike said that if I stop biting my nails and let them grow out I can get a puppy. Sucka! I can do that... no sweat. We can't get a pup until we move into the house and we are looking for a small breed. Hopefully a rescue and probably older. If you know of any looking for a home give me a shout.

Jealous

I am having a jealous day. I wish I wasn't. jealousy is one of the most horrible feelings on earth and I know that I struggle with it. These are the things I am jealous of today.

1. On the Weight Watchers community board there was a lady who was disappointed that she is only losing 3lbs a week and wanted advice as to how to lose weight faster. Idiot. Jerk. Insensitive bitch. These are the horrible things that I said to her in my head. Then I realized that I was jealous that I wasn't losing weight faster. Even though I still think the idiot thing applies because losing weight faster than 2bls a week is dangerous and insensitive because no one else seems to lose that fast. However, I know my negative feelings are truly fueled by jealousy.

2. I am jealous of my pregnant friends. There are so many of them working on their second children while I am having a hard time conceiving my first. Of course I am happy for them...no really I am....it is just hard for me to really feeeeeeeel the happiness because I am jealous.

I guess that is it for now. I am trying to reconcile my feelings and be happy for what I have and to have hope for the future that I will get what I want.

Things to be happy about

I am feeling depressed and achy and tired and sick in my stomach and sad that I am not pregnant so I will make a list of things that I am happy about and hopefully I will start to feel happy. I am not going to list the usual stuff that goes without saying like, God and family and friends. I am going to go kind of surfacing and not deep cause I can't think deeply right now.

1. I was able to clean the kitchen today and it felt good
2. I had some tasty tuna and crackers for lunch
3. I am sticking to my points and feeling good with Weight Watchers
4. I don't have to work today and I am going to take a nap in a minute
5. Mike said I might be able to rescue a dog for my birthday after we move into our house.
This is an improvement from when he told me no firmly and said end of discussion.
I probably won't get one but it nice to know that it is a possibility.
6.We go to settlement on the house in less than a month
7. The withdrawal from Lexapro is actually going better than I anticipated
8. I didn't get Mike's sickness
9.I am going to spend time with family this weekend
10. My tulips from Mike look especially beautiful today

They might be a stretch but I did the best I can

Britney Spears

Can I just say that I like Britney. I like her songs and I feel really sorry for her. I have this bad feeling that she is going to end up dead before too long. Have you every listened to Everytime? It is a really beautiful song and it just makes me want to cry. Of course everything makes me want to cry these days.

Going off Lexapro

Wow. It is insane. On Saturday morning I had one of my withdrawal meltdowns. Sobbing, sobbing, hypervenilating, sobbing, shaking, can't understand words. My whole body hurts like someone has been pummeling me from all sides and stabbing me in the back. My breasts hurt like I am pregnant. I get really overwhelmed really quickly and then I snap. It is literally like I cannot wrap my head around simple things. Then I take a bit of Lexapro and it is ok. So as of now I take 10mg when I am experiencing withdrawal...every couple of days. Then I will go down to 5mg....ETC. I used to take 20mg a day. I have read that people gain 70lbs in a year on Lexapro. So I am not that strange. I can't write anymore.

The Beach

Mike and I decided to go to the beach today. I think Mike needed a change of scenery due to illness and we both needed some fun time together. We went to the Jersey shore and it was lovely. It was also really cold so we didn't stay too long because of the aformentioned illness. It was great to be there though. Water is one of my favorite things on earth especially in the form of the ocean. That is one reason why I called this blog Oceans...cause I love the ocean. Ok, enough of that. Anyway, it is very cathartic and it always makes me feel like I spent some time in therapy. We are going to head back when it gets a little warmer.

I love Tulips

Tulips are my favorite flower and despite the fact that he has the flu, Mike ordered me some and had them to to the house for Valentine's Day. What a good man.














The Figs likes tulips too.

Da Flu

I didn't get a flu shot this year. I have actually never gotten the flu shot and I don't remember ever getting the flu. Mike on the other hand got paid to get the shot. His company literally paid the employees to get the flu shot. You know what else Mike got? The flu. He has it right now and he is miserable. If you know Mike you know that he rarely takes off work and never for sickness unless he is feeling really bad or if he is afraid of infecting others. Yesterday I got a call and it sounded like a bear was on the line, "babe, can you pick me up" I said , "Do you feel sick"? and he said"That is correct". I think only Mike would say that is correct when he was feeling so badly. I picked him up and he was kind of cranky. I cut him some slack and made him some lunch. I then told him to take a nap. He was less cranky after his nap. I went to work and came back and the poor guy was wearing two sweatshirts and a hat and was bundled up under blankets. It was all I could do to not laugh at him because he looked hilarious. I figured it wasn't a good idea to make fun of the sicky. Anyway, Mike called off of work today and has been asleep all day. I went into check on him and he asked me a question. Before I could finish my sentence he was asleep again. Poor baby.

Weight Watchers

I started weight watchers online and a new blog to go with my weight loss journey. However, not everyone will have access to that blog. My point in saying this is that I might post some stuff from that blog on here but not the really honest stuff...like how much I weigh. This blog is public and I don't feel like sharing all of my secrets with everyone. um, that is all I want to say right now.

I am doing it...and I need all the help I can get.

I just weighed myself for the first time in a long time and I am heavier than I ever thought possible. Instead of getting depressed and doing nothing I am going to be aggressive. I started counting calories and have set the reasonable goal of losing 147 lbs by August 2009. I am swimming three times a week and I am going to try to drink 640z of water a day. I am not cutting out sugar completely but I am going to try to incorporate better foods into my diet and only have a small amount of sugar a day until I am off of it.

I need my friends to pray for me. This is something I really want and need to do.

Hip hip!

Yay! The owner accepted our offer! We are (lord willing) going to be home owners! We go to settlement on March 15th. Mike and I are really excited. Thanks to all of you for the encouragement and prayers.

waiting

I hate waiting. I feel like I have been waiting for my whole life. I know I should be patient but I just feel like I need to know now. It just kind of sucks when you have to wait for an answer about one thing before you can move on to another thing. The house for instance. It has been nearly 1 month since we told the agent that we wanted to put in an offer.She needs to really get on the ball. I know that the price of the house is just a drop in the bucket compared to some sales she is probably dealing with but good grief. She will tell us we need something so we work really hard to get it thinking that that is what she needs to make the offer and then I won't hear from her so I assume she has made the offer. A couple of days later I will catch up with her and ask her what is going on and she will be like, "oh, I need this too". Sometimes she tells us she needs something that we have never heard of but she insists that she sent it twice already. Sometimes we will send her things a couple of times and she will say she never got it. It is so frustrating. I wish it could just be simple. We can't find another agent cause she has all of our information. We can't look at other houses because she might make the offer. It is just all up in the air. We need to tell our apartment management whether we are leaving in April but we don't want to do that until we know for sure that we have a house. This is just so annoying to me. I know people have said it is stressful to buy a house but... jeez.

Wishes for 2008

When I was turning 28 my mom asked me what I wanted for that year. I said, "Um, to be engaged". She laughed and said,"Maybe you should find a guy first". 7 Months later I was married. I didn't try to make that happen but Mike and I went on our first date a couple of days later and the rest is history. That was two years ago and I haven't made any big wishes out loud since. So I was thinking that I would make some wishes and share them on my blog.

So what do I want for 2008? Well, let's see...I want to own a nice cozy house and I want to have a baby. Too tall of an order? I think not. If God can let me go from never having a serious boyfriend to being married in 7 months I really think he can handle those two requests. I am excited. Next year this time we will see if my wishes for 2008 came true.

Etsy

I don't know about you but I love handmade, one of a kind anything. I love the idea that I got something cool and original that no one else will have. I also like supporting those who are cool and crafty and able to make awesome stuff.

Etsy is a awesome site that has a ton, and I mean a TON of really nice stuff that you can get for those you love including yourself. I have a few friends that have sold some of their goods on there (peedlebug awesomeness) and some that are planning to do so. Granted there is so much stuff that is impossible to see everything cool and weed out the stuff that may be cool to some but not really to anyone I know. There are some tricks to searching. One thing I found that works is when you find something you like by a cool person you can see what their favorite items are and their favorite sellers. If you keep doing this you stumble upon a whole lot of good stuff. Take a look.
http://www.etsy.com/

More things I love

I like to think of my "things I love" posts as Oprah's favorite things show. Granted, I don't give away huge expensive presents and I don't think anyone will pass out while reading it, well , hopefully not cause that would mean something was wrong with them. Anyway, here are some more of the things I love and some things I recommend trying if you haven't already.

1. Bath and Body works 3 in 1 in Dreamy Chocolate Mint. This was the BEST white elephant gift a girl could receive.Thanks to Linds, the best little sis. You can use it as shampoo, bubble bath and body wash. I have used it as all three and let me tell you what...it works great and the smell is amazing. I follow it up with the DCM lotion and feel soft and smell great all day.

2. Dirty Sexy Money...the show. I wasn't planning on watching it because I assumed it would be all sex and no story line. Quite the opposite and pleasantly surprising. Extremely lovable characters and multiple story lines that draw you in and keep you coming back for more. It comes on ABC at 10:00pm on Wed nights. If you have Comcast digital cable you can get the new show on demand the next day.

3. The Namesake...the book. Uh, Fabulous. You have to read it. It is just great.


Ok, so there are only three things that I am mentioning right now because I can't think of anything else. I will keep you posted .

Five things I have done right

I have been tagged by Jen to say five things I have done right and because I never ignore a tag I will try my best to think of them. Most of my five things are basically huge steps to one common goal. I hope that counts because they have changed my life.

1. I decided to be healed.
When I was 18 years old I realized that I was royally F'ed up. I had huge mental and emotional issues and I decided to embark on the journey of wellness. The first step I took was getting prayer whenever the heck I could. The second step was...

2. Going to YWAM for my DTS.
This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Making the decision that I couldn't stop the endless cycle of drinking, drugs, depression and bulimia without completely taking my life out of my hands and putting it in God's. I literally felt the physical pain of the strongholds in my life being broken. I learned about forgiveness and forgave my parents and others that had done damage to me over the years. This also led me to #3

3. I admitted that I still had mental illness and went to a therapist.
Who helped me heal, realize my goals, and overcome my fear of men. Which led me to number 4.

4. I married Mike. Who completes me in a way that only Jerry Maguire can understand. Just kidding. He is perfect for me and completely worth the wait.

5. I maintained my friendships with some seriously AMAZING people who are now just like family to me. Missy, Elizabeth, Elis, and Jessica. I have been so close to all of them for over 10 years and most of them over 15.(missy 27 years). Plus, I am extremely close to my two sisters Darb and Linds, who I couldn't have survived without.

So there are 5 things I did right. I believe there are more but I will stick with the five.

spillage

I know for a fact that when you are a dedicated blog reader it is really annoying when one of the blogs you frequent hasn't been updated in awhile. I apologize for my lack of posting. I have started several entries and then simply lost steam. I usually reread what I write and find it boring or badly written and I think no one will be interested. I did have a friend or two prompt me to start writing again, which was nice. I will simply spew forth what is in my head right now and you can take it or leave it.

First, thanks for those praying for my "lady issues". I decided to go a natural route as long as possible because of all the side effects that come with traditional fertility drugs.I have been taking daily doses of Fertili-tea. Which is a bunch of herbs that allegedly regulate your cycle and promote optimal conditions for conception. It tastes like peppermint and I enjoy drinking it. I am not sure if I am altering its effectiveness because I make it into iced tea and put sugar in it. It was too much of a hassle to always make it hot because it is loose tea and I don't have an infuser anymore. It seems to be working. Or at least the prayer is helping. I haven't been bleeding nearly as much or as often. This is great news to me. I have decided to not stress out about having a baby. If it is meant to be it will happen. I have a peace about that so I am just going to go with it.

Another big thing that is going on right now is that Mike and I are trying to buy a house. We found one that we like within a price range, in a good area, and we are putting an offer in on it. We can't settle until the end of April, so we hope it works out. It is in Northeast Philly about 20 minutes south from where we are now. It is exciting and I hope it works out.

My furry baby, Naughty Miss Fi,(Fiona) is, as we speak, doing her annoying suckle/knead/purr/drool thing on my shoulder.I don't know why she only does it to me but I don't like to be covered in kitten drool. She is going to have to be spayed soon. If anyone knows of a low cost program please let me know.

My dear friend Nina, has informed me that her big gray and white cat, aptly named, Gray and White, has misplaced himself. Please let us join in prayer for his safe and speedy return to their home.

So that is what is going on in my head right now. Hopefully I will keep you up to date on the happenings in my life.

A wonderful two years

I can't believe it but Mike and I had our 2nd anniversary yesterday. It was a wonderful day. I woke up to roses and donuts and a beautiful card that made me cry. Mike gave me a really fun karaoke game too because he knows how much I like to sing and record my singing. We then saw the Darjeerling Limited, which was a GREAT movie and then finished off the day with dinner at the melting pot. I felt super loved all day. (I gave mike a present and card but I don't need to go into all that). I just feel so blessed to have someone who loves all of me for who I am. Words can't express my love and gratitude.

Fun this weekend

On Friday night Laura and Chris came up and took Mike and me out to dinner. We went to a nice Italian place and ate food and drank some sweet fruity wine. Chris went home and Laura spent the night.

On Saturday Laura and I went into the city for lunch and then went to one of my favorite stores...Lush. If you have never experienced Lush I would have to say that you are missing out. They have amazing bath and skin products that are so yummy smelling and do wonders for your skin. I got turned onto Lush two years ago when I somehow got word of Dream Cream and had Mike buy it for me for Christmas. It certainly lived up to it's name. My dry skin was gone after just a few uses and those little red bumps that I always get on my upper arms vanished as well. Yesterday I bought a slice of soap called SEXYPEEL. It smells like a delicious lemon cookie and has lemon peel in it to exfoliate the skin. The smell cheers me up instantly which is really important during this time of year when I tend to get S.A.D. I also got a really good smelling solid massage bar. You rub it on your skin and it turns into a moisturizing oil that isn't too greasy. Love it. The closest Lush store in this area is on Walnut street. Which is perfect cause it only takes 20 minutes to get there. Parking is a pain so I am going to figure out if the train can get me close.

Anyway, it is great stuff and I would recommend that everyone go there. You are sure to find something you love. Or you can just go to Lush.com but you won't be able to smell all the yumminess.

ANGEL

Thanks

Blue eyes as deep as the ocean look at me and hold my gaze
a smile so honest that it reveals my deepest secrets and
a soft kiss that makes me forget where I am

I have been broken but you are putting me back together again
you have my heart and all of my love

My poor baby

My cat, Figgy Pudding aka Mr. the baby the Figs Aka Figgy piggy purr pants. AKA Figoo(by Mike), get groomed usually once or twice a year. He usually gets shaved all the way down to the skin depending on how bad his mats are. His mats weren't very bad this time but he was beginning to get his poo stuck on his tush so I figure it was a good time to get his fur washed and cut.

Today I took him to the groomer that is attached to the vet that we have been using for Fiona. From the moment we stepped out of the car we heard the mournful howling of the dogs. We walked around the building and had to walk across a slanted and shaky footbridge. The dogs got louder as we approached the door and I looked in the carrier to see if Figgy was ok. He was walking in circles. I laughed a little bit and said that the dogs wouldn't eat him.

As I handed the Figs off to the groomer I assured her that he is very well behaved and that he has never had a problem in the past with his grooming. In fact, his groomer in Delaware commented on how good he has always been for her. Anyway, she took him and said she would call when he was done.

I got a call around 11:45am telling me to pick him up by 12:00. She then proceeded to tell me much to my chagrin, that Figgy was so bad that he is now officially banned from that groomer unless he is tranquilized first. Gulp.

I wanted to cry. They must have hurt him. That is all I can say. He is so good natured that he has only hissed once in his life and that was when Fable banged into his face upon introduction.

I brought Figs back home and let him out of his carrier. He sauntered out of the carrier and plopped down a few feet away from me. I tried to tell him that he looked nice and he literally got up and turned his back to me and plopped back down. Later he got down on the floor to pet him and he got up and walked under the bed. Woa. Pissed off kitty. I apologized later and gave him a treat. He isn't ignoring me anymore.

Now I have to find a new groomer for next time. I think I will go to a place that doesn't board dogs.

Getting healthy

OK, so I have been fat for awhile and have gotten really fat in the past 2 years. No, no, don't deny it. Oh, you weren't, OK. I mean, I look at pictures of when I thought I was fat and I look slightly chubby. I hate that. Why couldn't I have just been happy then. Well, the point is is that I have tried losing weight in the past and seriously the only thing, and I mean the ONLY thing that has ever helped is exercise. Right, right. Everyone else in the world already knows this and I think deep down I knew it too but I just didn't want to believe it.

However, way easier said then done. It has come to my attention that I am an innately lazy person. It isn't all my fault. I was actually diagnosed with attention deficit with HYPO activity disorder when I was younger. The Doctor was like, "Your kid is SO lazy that we need to medically pick up her pace". I was on all the A.D.D. meds and I pretty much didn't sleep the entire time that I was on them. Where was I going with this...oh yeah, exercise. Well, I found that they only time that I lost a lot of weight was when I went to YWAM. You either gain it there or you lose it. Some people in my DTS gained like 40lbs I lost 40. It was all the walking. I mean, it wasn't eating healthy. We ate what we were served, buffet style and it was all made by a 450lb(give or take 100lbs) southern women who cooked like a southern women. Everything was fried or drenched in some kind of sauce. So I wasn't eating healthier. Like I said, it was the walking. I walked everywhere on the base and walked at least 2 miles a day.

When I got back I was able to maintain the weight loss by going to curves. Then that stopped.

Anyway, I then got super sick. My fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue made it really hard to do anything, especially exercise. Yet, exercise is what I need to feel better.What to do?

Well, pretty much the only exercise that I really enjoy is swimming. So, now that things aren't quite as tight financially, Mike and I decided to join the ymca in our area. His work also reimburses us for some of the price.

I swam today for about 35 minutes and I feel really good. I feel like my muscles don't hurt as much and that I will sleep really well.

I really hope this is a step in the right direction. I hope that I can become healthier and stay the course even though it will be a long road.

I am not recommending this movie

This movie was great and had the entire theater howling with laughter in spots. I will never recommend anyone see it though, because it is also very crude at times. I mean, duh, end of high school and the guys are trying to get with the girls that they have crushes on. Of course it is going to be crude. It is really funny though and much less offensive then some of the other "teen guys trying to get laid" movies. I wouldn't recommend it because some might not think it is funny at all but I do want to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it.

unfortunate

I guess I will just write about how I am feeling just now...It could change soon so don't hold me to it. I feel 60% shitty right now. Emotionally, physically, mentally and whoops can't forget spiritually. I have been bleeding for about three weeks...bleeding from your private parts can really put a damper on all things good. It is not only annoying because sometimes I "flood" at inopportune moments but I also feel really lightheaded and weak a lot. I asked the doctor, "hey, what can be done?" She said to go back on the pill. I said,"But, I wanted to try to have a baby relatively soon" she said, "then you hare just going to have to deal with the bleeding". Thanks bunches, lady. Thanks effing BUNCHES. Do you know what is like to want something pretty badly and then be told that ," Hey, guess what...you might not be able to have that because your body is f'ed up". I might not be able to conceive because if I bleed all month it means that there is no time to ovulate.That is really sad. I don't feel like writing about it anymore but feel free to send your condolences.

blah

I recently noticed that my posts haven't been very poetic or thought provoking. I apologize for that. I think my writing was "deeper" before I got married. I will try to do better.

Finished

It was beyond wonderful. I couldn't imagine it ending in a better way though it makes me said that it is indeed, over. Now I look forward to her writing something else.

What is wrong with me?

So, I have been ill for years. I mean really, I never feel well. I have been to Doctors and they always say the same annoying thing..lose weight. It isn't that simple and I know that the easiest thing for a doctor to say is, "you are overweight and you will feel better if you lose weight". Fact is that I felt sick before I was very overweight and it is the pain and fatigue that keeps me from exercising.I need a doctor who cares enough to look past the weight.

I am exhausted all the time. My body always aches. I get excruciating headaches at least twice a week. I feel sick to my stomach when I am hungry and even more so after I eat. I feel dizzy and lightheaded often. I get weak quickly and need to sit down. I have restless legs at night and often restless arms too. I am always really stiff especially in my legs. I have had the pain and stiffness in my legs since I was a child.

I just made an appointment with an internist. These doctors of internal medicine are apparently more thorough and do tests and blood work a lot. I need help. I am so sick of feeling so bad.

sad

I feel entirely sad right now. I feel so disconnected. If you know me at all you know that my friends and family are my world. I say this because I keep getting word from other people about my close friends and family. Things that I feel I should know. I hate that. I think it is because I work really hard at my relationships with people and I tell people things so they are a part of my life. I feel like I used to be in the loop and I just am not anymore. It is sad. I don't even know what to do about it. I HATE being the last to know stuff.

double yay!

Mike is a really hard worker. He has one of the strongest work ethics I have ever seen and goes above and beyond his job description in order to be a great employee. I say this because Mike had his one year review at his job today. On the way to work Mike said that he hoped for at least 5% of a pay raise in order for him to feel like they really appreciate his hard work. I prayed really hard for this because I want him to feel appreciated and not taken advantage of. He just emailed me with the results. I can't write the details just in case somehow someone from his work would see this, but he got more than a 5% raise and was promoted to senior designer. I am so proud of him and I thank God for this long awaited financial blessing and the recognition that Mike deserves.

Yay for me.

I am happy to announce that I have been offered a massage therapist position at a chiropractic office. HOORAY! Seriously. It is part time but it will be regular hrs and pays more than my current extremely part time job. I will actually be doing both jobs but my new one is not contract so I will be a real live employee and that is good news all around.

Breakfast foods

I have been told that it is really bad to skip breakfast and therefore have tried to start eating it. However, It is has been a challenge over the years making myself eat breakfast because I don't feel hungry until around 10:00am. I would say that I am more of a brunch kind of gal. The other challenging thing is that I do not like eggs in the morning. I actually cannot make myself eat them. So, what to eat...what to eat?

It is interesting because although I would say that I do have a sugar addiction, I am not a huge fan of sweet food in the morning. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have my coffee with PLENTY of sugar so maybe that is why I like something more substantial for food.

So one thing that I actually love to eat in the morning is bagels. More specifically bagel sandwiches. Usually I will cook some bacon and put it on an un-toasted plain bagel with a smidge of mayo. Delish. My favorite breakfast sandwich I made was caramelized onions and green peppers, crumbled sausage and Cheddar cheese on an un-toasted plain bagel. It was completely wonderful.

I love cereal, but I prefer to eat that as a dessert at night.

I love muffins and my favorite is banana nut or chocolate chocolate chip.

Don't know why I felt the need to share all that, but I did.

Guess what comes out this week!

WOO to the HOO!

The train

So I will be honest. Although I love when I try new things, I am often really scared to do so. Not everyone knows this about me but I have suffered from panic attacks and social phobia for a long time. I love the thought of adventure but I want someone (Mike) there to hold my hand while I jump into it.

Example: the train.
One thing that is really awesome about where we live is that we are in walking distance from a train station. We can easily hop a train and be in the city, hassle and traffic free, in 30 minutes. Sounds great. However, in my mind it was really scary. I imagined the New York subway system. Dirty, smelly, hot, scary people and all of a sudden I was terrified. A couple of months ago I was suppose to meet Mike to see Bill Clinton speak at one of Mike's conferences in Center City. I was suppose to take the train. I was really excited until the day came and I couldn't make myself do it. Luckily, I had lost my debit card and was unable to go anyway...but still...close call.

My point in saying all this is that on Saturday we had plans to meet our friends Em and Scott in Chinatown for dinner. We were going to take the train. gulp. Mike and I walked over to the train station. It was a lot cuter than I expected. I sat on the bench and prepared myself for the worst. Then we got on our train. Whaaa? It was clean. It was air conditioned. There were nice people on the train. YAY! It wasn't scary. The trip was pleasant and went really quickly.We got off at another non-scary station and walked into Chinatown.

We met Em and Scott and ate at this amazingly good Thai place called Siam Cuisine. We ate Calamari, Chicken Satay, drunken noodles and coconut milk curry. We talked and laughed and had a great time.

When it was time to go home Mike and I hopped back on the train. Again, it wasn't scary.

The train made the trip so easy that I am really looking forward to our next trip into the city. Yay for me. Another fear conquered.

Ghost

OK, so do you believe in Ghosts? A couple of years ago my friend Em and I were carving pumpkins, eating roasted pumpkin seeds, drinking yummy apple cider and making each other laugh when her mom sent her this super creepy pictures that she had taken in a graveyard in Vermont. She was taking a picture of a tombstone and when she looked at the picture on her digital camera this ghostly image was there. Her mother is a Christian and she wouldn't make this thing up. It freaked me and Em out. I literally got chills when I saw it. It makes me wonder a little bit about whether there really are ghosts of some sort. I mean...it REALLY looks like a ghost. What do you think?

Fiona

Here are some pictures of Fiona the kitten. She is more adorable in real life.


http://home.comcast.net/~transfig/kittenweb/

New little furbaby

Fable was a wonderful kitten and I am so blessed to have been his mommy for his short life. His death was very sad and we still get sad sometimes. I have been looking for a kitten for awhile and have found a new little baby to add to our home. As you can see, she is a tiny calico cutie. She is a rescue and more importantly ...a polydactyl (AKA she has six toes). This gives a look of a mitten paw. I am lucky to have gotten her because a lot of people thought she was really cute and apparently polydactyls are in high demand...not sure why...just know I fell in love with this little girl. I pick her up on Monday and I am quite excited. I don't know what to name her but I would like to give her a cute fairyish name. Any suggestions?

New art...blurry pictures

So here is one of my flower pictures. It is super blurry and looks a lot better in real life. I have other ones too.

I am making some note cards for birthdays ...they look really cute and I am proud of myself.

agitation

I feel this weird agitation inside. A restlessness that is making me annoyed. It is like I am bored and I want something to create but I can't figure out what it is. I don't want to do the laundry, I don't want clean and organize, I don't want to read or watch t.v. I want to make something cool but I don't feel inspired to make anything specific. ARG. I wish we had a pool here. I feel better when I swim.

My journal

I suck at keeping a diary. That is why I like blogging so much. You would literally have to look at about 6 different journals in order to have any kind of chronological order to my entries. This picture to the left is my favorite journal. It is illustrated by Becky Kelly, another favorite artist of mine. She does adorable pictures of fairies and other cute things. I always love to write my dreams and what I want for the future in this journal. I like to think it is a magical journal where all the dreams I write in it come true.

James Browne=beauty

I was looking on photo bucket for images for my myspace page and was gloriously introduced to the wonderful world of James Browne. Not the "I feel good, dadadadadada da" guy but the artist who's fairy pictures and mystical creatures resonate with my soul. It literally made my heart swell with happiness to see his work. My friend Emily(Costa) told me that he had been at the Hockessin art festival before and seemed like a pretty nice guy. I could see myself being somewhat of a groupie. I LOVE his work. He even had a cute picture called, " Waiting for Darby". I have a sister named Darby. We are meant to be friends.

The beach

Every year my family takes a trip down to Ocean City, Maryland over Father's Day weekend. The first time we went down was when I had just graduated from High School. My parents rented a room and then let me and Linds and Christine Mulrooney and my friend, Sarah, stay down for the week by ourselves. Darby and Jason had just gotten married and Linds was only 13. Since then we added Lyric, Ollie, Collin, and Mike to the trip. It has kind of shrunk down from a week to all day Saturday, sat night and then part of Sunday.

It is always fun. On Saturday night we always meet some of my dad's friends and go eat at Phillip's which is a phenomenal Seafood buffet. We all have our favorite things to eat but I always fill up on the king crab legs. They are huge and sweet and succulent.

The sad thing is is that this year may be the last hoorah for the DiNatale fam before Darb and her fam and Linds and Col move out West. Sad. I want to write more about this but I feel tired right now and I have to get ready to work.

AN image that I love

I think that this is beautiful and it represents me very well. I really wanted to upload an image since Jen always has super cool pics in her blog and I was jealous.

a new post

OK so, this is one of those posts that is a little embarrassing because it is totally honest but I really feel like I need to talk about this so here it goes. This weekend I was, and there is no other way to describe it, a completely horrible, 100% certifiably evil, bitch. I have been bitchy before but honestly there were moments when I was thinking to myself, "if I were Mike I would have slapped me by now".

To set things up you have to know that I have had massive problems with my menstrual cycle for a long time. I was told that I had fibroid tumors and that I should go on the pill to regulate my period . So, I did and then I was told by my mother that I have breast cancer in my family and that I shouldn't be on the pill. So I took the pill for a total of 5 months and then got off.(my doctor said that that was fine).

The first month after I was off the pill I had my period as usual and I naively thought that perhaps the pill had fixed my problem. Oh quite the contrary. In April I kept waiting and waiting and never got my period. I felt awful. I was nauseous and dizzy I had cramps and mood swings I had to pee a lot. Suddenly I thought to myself,"oh my Gosh, could I be pregnant?" Mike decided early on in our marriage that we would wait two years before we tried to conceive and since we decided that I often have changed my mind and wanted a baby sooner. Mike, however, being the steadfast man that he is, reminded me of the reasons we decided to wait and put his foot down. I felt a bit like a child not getting what she wanted and therefore was very happy and excited at this new possibility that I might be carrying a little baby. I rushed out and got a pregnancy test. Negative. I was slightly disappointed but I figured that it just wasn't the right time for us. However, 3 more weeks passed and I was experience no period and even more symptoms...time for another test.

This past Sunday I made Mike go out and get an early pregnancy test. I peed on the stick and waited for the 3 minutes. Negative.WHY? I felt betrayed by my body. I felt pregnant. I didn't get my period I have felt horrible for more than a month. I felt enraged and then I erupted. I threw the pregnancy test across the room. Yelling profanities,I kicked the fan that was in my path and pushed Mike away when he tried to console me. I flung myself on the bed and wailed. I called God stupid. I told Mike to "stop singing that stupid song" that he was singing to cheer me up. I screamed, "I HATE MY LIFE...I WANT TO DIE". I knew that I was acting like a child and as Mike slowly backed out of the room and shut the door I felt a wave of remorse wash over me. I got up and went to hug Mike. He welcomed me with opened arms and whispered words of encouragement to me as I sobbed into his shirt. What a good man. Mike took me to see a movie and to lunch to cheer me up. I was still pissy and I kept having to apologize. I can't believe what he put up with. He told me that he loves me and I love him and that means loving each other all the time even when things are difficult. What a good man. Seriously. What a wonderful man.

I still haven't fully gotten my period yet. I feel better inside, though which is a huge improvement. I hate feeling like I want to kill someone and I hate being unkind to Mike. Hopefully God will heal me from this problem but until he does it is wonderful to know that I have a wonderful husband who loves me no matter what.

Fantasy

I just want to say that I love fairies. I love them. I think that they are beautiful and it always makes me imagine that there is a fun magical world that we can't see. I like to believe in that world. I like to believe in Santa and elves, and all of the stuff that adults aren't suppose to believe in. I love Harry Potter. Many Christians I have encountered are angry when I say that I like fairies and Harry Potter. It is as if I said that I love Satan. I don't know why they should be so angered. I am not a witch nor do I want to be. I haven't tried to cast a spell on them or hex their families. I am a Christian and I don't practice witchcraft. Whatever. I don't understand people sometimes.

motivation

I need some. I have been sitting here by the computer with the broom in my hand staring out at the faded red painted fence and the wind blown trees. If I crouch down a little and tilt my head up I can pretend that it isn't a parking lot but a country scene and I imagine that there is a cute little cottage with a stream running through the lush green meadow. oh, who are we kidding...it is just a parking lot. It is OK though. There are no cars there just now and at least I see a little bit of nature. I need to get motivated and go clean the kitchen.

Being content

Being content is something that I have never mastered. It seems like every stage of life I am in, I am looking forward to the next. Now, generally there is nothing wrong with hoping for the future or planning with certain goals in mind. I am talking about when you feel like there is always something that you don't have that is the key to your happiness. For example, when I was a teenager I wanted to drive. I thought my life would be so happy if I could just drive. I began to drive and it was awesome...until the novelty wore off. Then it was if I could only graduate from high school. If I could find a better job. If I could only make more money, if I could only find love, if I could only be married, if I could only be rich, if I could only have a baby...and so on. You know what this "if only" way of thinking got me? A: More if onlys.

What causes this? I seriously want to know. When I am constantly looking forward to the next thing in my life, I am unable to enjoy the present time. So, that presents regrets and a feeling of nostalgia. If only I could still be a teenager, if only I didn't have to work. If only I still worked there. It never ends. I have become aware and annoyed at this pattern in my life and am trying to nip it in the bud.

So, I am happy to be 30, married, childless, a massage therapist, a substitute teacher, living in an apartment, in Northeast Philly, with a car that is almost paid off and owner of one cat.

now

So it turns out that now is a pretty good time for us. I mean, we are moved in to our new apartment and getting to know the area. It is actually lovely around here and easy to get places. There are a lot of stores and restaurants, movie theaters, and other fun stuff withing a few miles.

I am working pretty regularly with the company that employs me to do chair massage and I was recently hired by Harris school, formerly Deep Muscle Therapy, as a substitute. That has been fun and has been giving me some work as well. Things aren't quite as tight financially because of the money I am bringing in. I mean, we still are pretty poor but at least we aren't completely broke.

I feel less guilty because I am contributing financial and Mike is less stress out because of that and his short commute to work. I would say the guilt of not helping financially and watching mike work so hard only for our bills to barely be paid was a stress that I have never felt before. I hope I don't experience it again. It is truly horrible.

Things have been going pretty well for us and I am trying not to have the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" mentality. I am praying that this time of rest for us lasts a while and that things continue to get better.

so many thoughts

I cannot believe that I haven't posted anything in so long. I have written several things but then saved them and when I have come back to finished them, I wasn't inspired anymore. Because my head in KILLING me right now I may not write anything to interesting but we will see how it goes.

My life is topsy turvy right now. I hate that phrase...just as I hate the phrase willy nilly. Today I found myself yelling at a bad driver in front of me but trying to curb my usually potty mouth I didn't cuss. I said, " YOU CAN"T JUST DRIVE WILLY NILLY ALL OVER THE ROAD". Of course then I realized how stupid that sounded and started laughing. If anyone could have actually heard me they would have thought I was nuts. Oh well, at least I didn't use the f-word. Ok, right, so the topsy turvy life...I am moving in less than 2 weeks and frankly I am not exactly happy. I guess I am pretty sad. I like our apartment here. It has a balcony with a lovely view, the rooms are fairly spacious, the buildings are clean and the grounds are nice. We are moving to Northeast philly and the apartment, though a two bedroom instead of one, isn't quite comparable in lovliness. I am not trying to be a brat. I just struggle so with depression that I need natural beauty to cheer me up. I am sure it will be ok. I will just have to be creative. Secondly, Linds and Col are moving to Arizona for 2 years. Grad school. Damnit. I will miss them so much. thirdly, if Jason get's accepted to UCLA's film school they will be moving to L.A. fr 2 years. Double damnit. I don't want both of my sisters to be out west.

Urgh, my head hurts so much. I will publish this now so that I don't lose interest. I'll finish later.

So dramatic

I just realized that I am possibly the most dramatic person on earth. To give you an idea of just how dramatic I am I decided to post random bits of things I have written over the years.

This is the first installment

"I see
no light. i see no hope. my world is black. Black black and still more
black. I want to lay down on the frozen ground. cold like my fingers,
cold like my heart. swallow me oh earth, until i am going going and
gone.

I remain yours respectfully,
meredith soul blackened by sorrow dinatale the first" 2004

PTSD

So, a couple of years ago I was diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder and clinical depression. I was in therapy for over a year and then I married mike and things seemed better. The sad thing is is that now for some reason the PTSD seems to be worse. I am hyper vigilant when I am out of the house. Driving stresses me out I feel out of control of my surrounding s and I feel like I want to cry. I hate it. Seriously hate it. I don't know what to do to help it either because I am on medication. blah....sometimes I hate life.

disgusting

Today I am hopeless. Today I look at myself and cringe. Today I want to stop the pain. I want to go to sleep and not wake up.

Valentine's Day

I will be honest. Valentine's Day was always so annoying to me. I mean, a bunch a pressure to have a special someone and if you don't you a pretty much excluded from the entire holiday. Sure, I gave and received cards when I was a kid. My dad always gave me a present. But pretty much February 14th had been a huge reminder that I was alone and frankly, it hurt. ..until Mike. Now Valentine's day means something to me. Now I love Valentine's day. I love the colors red and pink together. I love lacy hearts and chocolate and flowers. I love romantic gestures and thoughtful gifts. I love Mike and what I am experiencing now that he is in my life.

The rainbow bridge

Please bear with me as I indulge in my pain a while longer and post this cheesy yet incredibly sad poem that makes me cry everytime I read it.


Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....


Author unknown...

Fable

Fable was a cute, little, ball of baby soft gray fluff. He loved Figgy Pudding and he loved to snuggle with him.He copied off of him and tried to do everything he did....it was funny cause he was so small.

I got Fable from a disgusting apartment in New Jersey when I responded to an ad about two rescued half persian half russian blue kittens. I am glad I rescued him from that craphole of a place. When I brought him home he walked right out of the carrier and tried to be friends with the figs. It was the only time I ever heard Figgy hiss. But soon Figs loved the little kitten too.

At first I didn't think Fable's face was that cute. It seemed kind of pointy caused I was used to persian faces.But then I thought it was the cutest face ever. I kissed his little face right before they took him away forever.

I honestly can't believe that I only had him for alittle over 3 months. He seemed to be a part of our family for longer than that. I really miss him and I still cry sometimes...like right now.

Poor widdle kit...I love you and miss you and I know Jesus is holding you for me. I can't wait to snuggle you again.

Widdle Kit

OK, so Fable, AKA, widdle Kit, my five month old kitten...has a fever with no other symptoms except lethargy, which, obviously is probably due to the fever. His fecal sample is negative for parasites, he is on antibiotics, though they aren't helping, and the next step is blood work to rule out viral infections and the serious stuff. He tested negative for feline leukemia. I am scared. I love the little guy and he is so cute. Please pray that he would be healed quickly, and that they would figure out what is wrong with him with too much more cost. I desperately hope it isn't serious like FIP because that is fatal and we will have to put him to sleep. If you know me, you know how much animals in general, but especially mine, mean to me.

For someone

I never thought that I would be here, I never thought that we would be here together...apart. We were so close...closer than best friends, closer than sisters...two parts of one person it seemed at times. We were there for each other at our best and at our absolute worse. We pulled each other up and sometimes dragged each other down. But we laughed...You can make me laugh harder than anyone...and make me cry too...Just as I am crying now.

When we were young we would talk about our troubles. Family trouble , boy trouble...body image trouble. We talked about broken hearts, broken dreams, our broken selves. I hated my life but you could always cheer me up. When we became adults we searched for ourselves . We were depressed, we were alone, but we were together. So many times sitting on the couch having nothing to do so we sang. Driving in the car to the store or on long road trips we would crank up the music and sing our guts out. We thought the stupidest things were funny. You could look at me and I would just start laughing...the good kind of laughing when no noise is coming out and your face gets all red,you can't breathe and you are close to peeing your pants, kind of laughing. I miss that. I miss you.

As time went on we wanted our lives to go somewhere. We wanted to make money. We wanted most of all to find love. We saw everyone around us falling in love and getting married. We wondered what was wrong with us. We always knew that God would have to bring our men to us at the same time. Otherwise the one of us without a man wouldn't be able to cope with the loss. We were right. I guess we never imagined that growing in those relationships would cause our relationship to grow apart.

So here we are at this unfamiliar place. I never could imagine going a day without talking to you and now it has been weeks. I haven't seen you in months. Honestly, I feel like you have died, even though you are actually just across town. I just want you to know that I love you so much. I hope this time will pass and we will be close again but until then please know that you will always be my best friend and I will always...always hold you and all of our years so close to my heart.

Love,
Merry

Thanks

I want to acknowledge and thank all of my wonderful friends who read this blog and post comments. It is so encouraging to know that there are people who care enough about you to read your thoughts and leave comments. PS...Susan, I do read your blog but I am lame and don't write comments...I will from now on.

my sweetest addiction

So, I never wanted to be the kind of girl who collapsed whenever her man was away from her. In fact, I used to get annoyed by those people. All I can say is that it must have been because I wasn't married at the time. Mike has been gone for 3 days on a business trip and I honestly feel like a piece of me is missing. I go to sleep and he isn't there and I cry. I wake up in the middle of the night and he isn't there and I cry. I wake up in the morning and he isn't there and I cry. I smell his t-shirt. I sleep with his blankets. I look at his picture. I can't believe that he is only on a business trip because I feel like I am in mourning. He will be gone a few more days...can I make it? I love him so much. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. I cannot wait until he gets home. I am so addicted to my husband...it is nuts.

Unbelievable

Here is the thing. This is MY blog. These are MY thoughts. My blog is cathartic and I use it to talk my way through things. I share my thoughts with people I know and love and expect my thoughts to not be used against me. I do NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES want someone to come to me and say that something I have said on MY blog should not have been said, because this is MY blog and that is the end of it.

A friend of mine who shall remain nameless wrote something completely benign and unoffensive in one of her blogs. She simply stated her opinion on something and mentioned no names, no details, and nothing that could in anyway be misconstrued as gossip or slander.

*Unfortunately, what she wrote was read by one person who told another person who called her and rebuked her for what she said. Even though this person had never read her blog before and had no idea who or what the post was actually about.

[this paragraph has been removed by the author to protect her friend.]

If this is anyway is used against my friend...so help me GOD! There will be serious consequences.

*this parargraph has been edited by the author to protect her friend

" and the spies came out of the water and you're feeling so good cause you know
that the spies hide out on every corner but they can't touch you, no, cause they're just spies"

Complete and utter despair

My head feels like it is going to explode. My eyes feel like someone has stapled them open and is throwing sand in them. This is usually how I feel when I cry that hard, gasping for breath deep, gutteral sobs shaking your body kind of cry. I feel so hopeless, so much like a complete worthless loser who is nothing but a drain on her friends and family. I honestly believe that financial stress is one of the worst kinds of stress. Obviously the death or illness of a loved one and marital discourse is worse, but being poor is extremely detrimental to your health. Without going into the whole story, I was delt a particularly hard blow to my confidence in myself and my abilities today and I don't know if the job I have been working so hard to get is going to work out. I mean, I went to school for 900 hours to learn massage one way and these people are telling me to do it a different way and are expecting me to relearn everything in what has been about three hours of training time. I am so frustrated. I am so tired of not being able to help Mike out financially. I am so tired of feeling guilty. I feel like I am just not meant to be happy. I am not asking for sports cars and a mansion, I just want to be able to pay our bills. Please help us, God. PLEASE.

Beautiful in God's Eyes

I don't want to be a bitter person and I would say that I have try very hard not to be one. I have gone through counseling to deal with childhood traumas and when I hear myself speaking in a bitter way about something or someone, I try to give it to God. I have been bitter about things in the past and I realized after desperately hanging on to my anger, that no matter how "good" it felt to remain angry at people, letting go felt sooo much better. Welp, I find myself fighting bitterness about an issue/situation that happened more than a year ago at my former place of employment and ministry, A DOOR OF HOPE. Now, I know I mentioned the issue before but for those who just recently stared reading my blog, I will briefly recap. In a nutshell...I came back from a missions trip in '01 completely on fire and desiring to work in ministry for the rest of my life. I ended up at ADOH where my spirit and passion slowly got completely beaten out of me by the incredibly corrupt hierarchy that was the "upper management".(there were only a few of us working there.) Anyway, After nearly 4 years of seeing this place go from bad to worse and being treated in an appallingly non Christ like way, the camel's back was broken. I was told that if I didn't tell the girls that were coming in that they were going to hell, I was going to be fire for not telling the whole gospel. I did share the gospel. I shared the grace that God had given us by sending Jesus to die so that we didn't have to. But that wasn't good enough for my immediate supervisor (who was a nurse and had no training in counseling but was telling me how to counsel) and the Executive Director who was so far set apart from the work that we were doing that she couldn't even see how telling these hurting girls that they were going to hell would do more harm than good. Anyway, to make a long story short I was searing my conscience and grieving the holy spirit every time I tried to do what they wanted me to. So I quit. Eventually the Supervisor was let go for lying and for generally not doing her job and has been in and out of mental institutions ever since. The director left after her assistant who was really running the ministry left and she (and the board of directors) figured out that she was a sham. See....bitterness. I don't want to be happy that they have suffered. But I am. I feel guilty and hopefully I won't be glad at their suffering forever. Anyway, the reason I am thinking about it now is that I was given a book to read as punishment for not telling the girls about hell. It is called Beautiful in God;s Eyes by Elizabeth George and it is utter shit. I just found it the other day and tried to read a bit and Mike threw it away because it is so destructive to my thoughts. It tells you that in order to be beautiful in God;s eyes (because I am ugly right now) I must be a perfect house wife, call my husband whenever I go anywhere, never question my husband's decisions, do all the housework and never ask my husband for help, have dinner on the table and massage his feet every night. I kid you not. The list goes on and on and it is completely backwards and ridiculous. So. like I said, Mike threw it away. Thank God for my wonderful husband who I do nice things for because I love him. Thanks God for seeing me as beautiful because of what Jesus did not what I do.

You know what is sooo good?

Pumpkin scones from Starbucks
rold gold honey wheat pretzel twists
cold milk with hot chocolate powder floating on the top
frozen cool whip
annie Ann's original pretzels with sweet mustard
the sweet hot mustard from hickory farms
Williams-sonoma mulling spices
Darby's pumpkin roll
Fresh Gingerbread cookies w/ frosting
eggnog
Those soft old fashion candy canes that melt in your mouth
Brach's Christmas tree nougats
the pre-made cookie dough squares (not cooked)
iced chai w/ a 1/2 of gingerbread from brew
Panera's broccoli cheddar soup
Panera's cobblestone muffins
Panera's pumpkin muffies

My friends

I have some good friends that I haven't seen in awhile and I just want to talk about them.

First there is Laura. Laura is a wonderful friend who makes me feel normal and I love her. She is beautiful and she is smart and creative and I hate when she is not around for me to hang out with. My life is better when she is in it and I haven't seen her in so long that a piece of my heart is hurting.It would be perfection to see her again.

My friend Emily made my life at ADOH bearable and I had so much fun living with her because she rocks. When she left the laughter stopped and I began to feel smashed and suffocated and it ended in one big ball of badness. We laughed, we made ham, we did the coldplay dance, we watched the weather channel and drank coffee.We always laugh when we are together and it would be heavenly to see her again.

My friend Elizabeth and I go way back . We have been through so much together. We lived together for like 3 years and we understand each other. We were inseparable until we both found our soul mates. I haven't seen her in awhile and it is so sad because the thought of her not being my best friend makes me feel sick.

I need my friends. I love my friends. I have other close friends but I have been thinking about these three for quite some time. I miss them. I love them. The End.

My ordeal

The other night Mike and I were at our friend's house and on the way out of their apartment I slipped down a couple of stairs and sprained my ankle. OK, I was slightly intoxicated but it was my slippery shoes that caused the fall. When I fell I landed on all fours and I felt this rush of," Oh, no, I can't believe this is happening, I broke my ankle." When something traumatic happens one of two things inevitable follows. Either I throw up or I pass out or both. A couple of years ago I was in an apartment complex with my best friend since childhood and her mother and sister who have all been like family since I was three. We were laughing it up when all of the sudden the mother missed the last few stairs and broke her ankle in the most horrible way. Even now as the picture of her mangled foot appears in my mind I feel queasy and must not let myself continue to picture it. Anyway, as I was on the floor her broken foot flashed in my mind and I was sure mine must have looked the same. I felt the familiar dizziness that comes right before I pass out and therefore crawled out the door hoping the night air would help me to feel a little better. Then the familiar nausea hit and I crawled closer to the edge of the steps and puked over the side...several times. Mike, being the wonderful husband he is, held my hair back and tried to console me. He looked at my ankle and said that we should go to the hospital because he thought it might be broken. He helped me to the car and I was getting in when my ankle gave out again and I felt excruciating pain. I felt for sure that if it hadn't been broken before, it now was. Mike drove quickly, yet safely to the hospital. When we got to the emergency room he wheeled me in and I answered the questions at triage. This was all at about 1:00am. As I was wheeled to the back I had this weird rush of happiness. I don't know why I felt happy but the thought of , "yay, I am getting attention " past through my mind. I immediately felt ashamed that I was happy to be getting attention. I mean, how pathetic is that? Mike gives me a ton of attention and so do my family and friends. I mean, what am I , an attention whore? It was like I couldn't get enough. Anyway, that whole thought process happened in about 30 seconds and then I was right back into feeling like I was going to pass out and puke again. Just when I thought I had a handle on things we heard some guy screaming, "help! Help me. Somebody HELP!" there was a bit of a commotion and I heard some nurses say something that made me think either this guy was obviously on drugs or he was a regular loony who wasn't really in trouble. Either way it freaked me out and I puked again. Mike agreed that it was freaky. Anyway, everytime I puked mike held my hair and rubbed my back. I kept thinking how wonderful of a husband he is. I mean, there was a moment when he was helping me in the bathroom and let's just say if that the fact that he isn't still repulsed at the sight of me shows that he loves me a lot. I also had another realization of how gracious God is as well. My ankle wasn't broken and we were only in the emergency room for about 2 1/2 hours , which anyone who has been to christiana knows is a miracle. Even if it is life threatening they usually have you wait for three hours before you are seen. It truly was a miracle. so now, I have a huge, bruised and swollen ankle and the rest of my body hurts from the fall. I have sworn off alcohol and my shoes that are slippery. I thank God for his goodness and for Michael.
SO, that is my ordeal.

Time to suck it up

OK, I have made some progress. One thing I hate is being depressed about something and not doing anything to make it better. So, I have decided to give my problems to God and to stop acting like a spoiled brat. I more or less kicked God out of my life for the past couple of months. I stopped going to church and kinship, I stopped reading the Bible and I only prayed when I wanted something. Then when things weren't going my way I was like, "Where the hell are you, God". I started thinking the other day that I have had several friends in my life who I gave a whole lot of myself too and they really took me for granted. For instance, I had this one friend who was very needy and would call me at all hours of the day and night when she wanted to talk and she would talk for hours and hours about the same thing. I would listen and give her advice ( though she would never take the advice) and then when I needed to talk she was nowhere to be found. This continued on for a really long time and then she started complaining that she had no friends and that nobody cared about her and that she was going to kill herself because nobody cared about her. This really hurt my feelings because I had really invested a lot of time and a lot of my heart to make her feel like she had at least one person in the world that cared about her. One day I stopped calling. I kept taking her calls but that was more or less the end of our friendsip. I guess the point of all that is not that I am God like but that I was kind of using God like a friend who I complained to and used but didn't really consider him someone to value as a friend. I guess maybe he backed off so that I could realize that I really do need him. I don't think that it was mean of him, I think that he did what he needed to do in order for me to realize that he was missing in my life. SO anyway, I started going back to church and kinship. It makes me feel better and it gives me hope. Do I think that all the bad stuff in my life will magical disappear? Not really, I wish that was the case...but I doubt it will. I just know that now I am focused on the right thing and able to be thankful for the goodness that is in my life and the rest of the stuff I can just give over to God. Obviously he can do a much better job than I can.

I wish I had a happy post

I really wish that I had a happy post to write. I wish I felt well inside and that I wasn't depressed. Bad things keep happening to mike and me. One thing after another. I just want a break...can we get a break, GOD? Am I doing something wrong? Should I be doing something better? Why doesn't God deliver us? Why does everyone else seem like things come easily for them. I mean, it seems like a normal life would be overall pretty happy and then obviously the occasional bad thing happens. For us it is like bad, bad, bad, really bad, small good thing, bad, bad, really bad...you get the point. Do I have sin that needs to be confessed? What? I wish God would just show me how to make our lives better.

congratulations to me

I am finally done school. Today was officially my last day. Now I just have to take my boards and I will be licensed. I am proud of myself and I wish we had the money to throw a party. I have never had a graduation party. My parents didn't think I was going to graduate highschool so I didn't get a party. I guess I feel kind of sorry for myself.

snuggly

It is 6:45 pm and I had a rough day.Michael, my love, is going to a concert tonight and therefore I am home along with the figs. I want to go to bed super early. I think I will. I just took a long hot shower and now I am going to get into bed and either watch t.v. or read a some of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I have already read all of the H.P. books but I seriously LOVE them. They are really well written and for those of you who are like I am and like to indulge in some escapism; they are perfect for that too. I sometimes wish that I had magical powers. I know I would abuse them but it would be totally rad to live in the whole wizardy world that they live in. Yes, it is kind of creepy and doesn't jive with Christianity...but still...it would be fun. Welp, I'm off.

bleck

I am trying not to feel hopeless right now. I am trying not to feel like nothing ever goes right for me. I am trying not to have unfair expectations of God. It is really hard. I am TIRED. I am fucking tired of not having money and seeing Mike working himself into the ground in order to not even make ends meet. I am tired of not having a job. I feel like such a leech and I feel so sorry for him.I am tired of feeling sick and tired. I am tired of saying I am tired. I thought for once things were going to be easy.I recently had leads for two jobs and I thought things were going to fall in place for me and then my hopes were smashed. I don't want to be like, "figures, nothing good ever happens to me". I don't want to be jaded and not appreciated the goodness in my life. I know God blesses me. I know he loves me and I am sure he has something really good around the corner. I need fun in my life. I miss my friends.