Yay!

So things are going well right now financially due to the fact that Mike and I are both working our butts off. It is awesome to be able to see the fruits of our labors. We are paying our bills, we bought a nice washer and dryer, we got our cars which is awesome(both pre owned of course) we are slowly getting the house in shape and yesterday I finally got a Wii. HOORAY!!!! Now, if I can just find Wii fit in stock. Keep your eye out and let me know if you see it.

I truly thank God that he has blessed us with the jobs that we have especially with the economy kind of iffy right now. Who knows where things will be in the future but as for now...things are good. It scares me to say that because I feel like when you admit that things are good things suddenly turn horrible. I am going to pray and trust that that does not happen.

Now, all I need is a baby, lose weight, get my house looking cute, and things will be perfect.

The ordeal

UGH. Mike is away in Chicago for a business trip and that always makes me sad. For some reason I always seem to have a crisis when he is gone. This time has been no exception.

Last night, after being at the school for 14 hours and just finding out that this overwhelming schedule is going to last longer than I thought due to a teacher quitting, I make it home around10:30 and I pretty much just want to take a shower, say hi to that cats, and go to sleep. I pull in to the back yard and shut the gates behind me and I feel a little sad an skittish because Mike always waits outside for me when I get home late. I walk into the house an the stink of the trash can hits me. Apparently, I need to take the trash out. I go into the living room to turn the air down because it is so hot and stinking and my cats are there meowing their hellos. Fiona, dear little sweet orphaned six fingered paws furry little purry snuggly drooling kneady(kneading), FIONA, is batting at something. I think it is a toy...until I saw that it is a MOUSE! and a not quite dead one. I scream. Fiona looks at me confused because obviously this is a present for me. Shit. So I try to, between my screams, thank her sweetly, and tell her that that was so nice of her to bring me a present(scream) but (OH GOD LET IT JUST DIE) I am (!((#(@()#, why isn't Mike here) just kind of scared of (scream cause it twitches again) of mice. I scream again and she and figgy dart upstairs. I then have to figure out how to get this dying mouse out of my house. I am sweating, I am cussing and I am crying. I am calling Mike frantically and he is not picking up. I know no one here and besides it is late at night. I am mad that this is happening. I begin to hyperventilate. I try to get a hold of myself with a lot of,"Ok, get it together, you can do this) Finally, after a breakdown and figuring out how to get it out I put the poor little dying mouse in a cup...screaming (me not the mouse) into the trash outside. I keep thinking I see other mice and am still sobbing at this point. I take a shower try to coax the cats out from under my bed and try to make Fiona feel better about her present. I also told her that it was a really good thing to get the mouse cause they shouldn't be in the house. I am still freaked out and frankly a little afraid to go downstairs. Another ten hour day of classes calls. Gotta go.

Thoughts

My head hurts. Yesterday Mike and I attended the 10 year anniversary and renewal of wedding vows of our friends, Heather and Chuck. It was a full on wedding because they never had one. It was beautiful and we were pleased to be a part of it. We didn't know too many people there besides Brian and Nina, Darby, Linds and Collin, Sarah and Jacob and Kate Dudley. It was still really fun.

This past week Mike and I were on vacation. We spent time with family and spent the night in Atlantic City at Trump Plaza. Mike won $208.00 at the slot machines. It was pretty exciting. He stopped while he was ahead.

I am excited to see Jen and Dave's baby girl and Susan and Jason's son. Babies are fun. I seriously hope we can have one one day soon.

This was a lame post but like I said, my head hurts.

Gardens

I love plants and flowers and my dream was to someday have an awesome garden of my own in my new house. wahwahwaaaaaaaah. Most of my plants have either died or are knocking at deaths door. My rose bushes are doing well and one azalea is hanging on for dear life. The other beautiful white azalea that my favorite mother in law gave me is mostly dead with one or two leaves with just a hint of green. I am praying for it to resurrect.

My dad's dad used to have beautiful flowers. My dad has beautiful flowers. My Mother in law has beautiful flowers. My flowers are not beautiful right now. I have hope.

On another note... I think my cell phone might be in Mike's car and he has been gone a long time at the store. I am worried but I can't call him cause I don't have my phone.

The end

Learning about me

I have a phobia. A true phobia is an intense irrational fear. It doesn't make sense. I have a dog ownership phobia. I literally cannot handle it. I love dogs. I love all animals. I want to own a dog. No wait...I want to be able to own a dog. I cannot own a dog. I get an adorable pup. I am fine for about an hour. I look at the dog and my heart starts pounding. My mouth goes dry. My chest closes up. I start to feel like I am going to faint. I have to have a way out. I have to have a way out. I must take the dog back. I am then consumed with getting the dog back to the owner. If I can't get a hold of that person I have a panic attack. I can't keep the dog. It makes me feel like a failure. I feel like a psycho.

O.C. 2008

Mike and I just got back from our annual family fun at Ocean City. It was fun as usual but it was better this year because we all stayed longer. We swam in the ocean, chilled in the sun, played putt putt golf(I came in 2nd and got a hole in one) played farkel and had lots of laughs. The only downside was the severe sunburn I and only I got. I did put on 45 sunblock but for some reason it didn't work. Could have been my meds. I attached a photo of me in the car with my red face. the rest of me is even worse.

How things are going

Here is a little update on my life. I started working days and nights last week and will continue doing it for the next 4 weeks. Tues-Thurs I work 8-2 and then 6-10. It is rough. Mondays I work til 2 and I don't work Fridays...which rocks.When I am not stressed about gas prices I go home in between but I work 45 minutes away and there is a small toll one way. Sometimes the 2 hours at home is worth it sometimes it isn't. I knew that it would have to be a temporary thing when I took the night class but I didn't know I would feel so bad so quickly. because of my fibromyalgia it is hard for me to recuperate and I need a lot of down time in order to feel OK. I haven't been getting that down time and my body has been yelling at me. It is kind of sad because I like my night class so far. I will explain later about the general population of my school. God is totally working on my patience and my attitude towards certain types of people. Like I said, I will explain later. Anyway, the money is nice and I will miss it when I go back to just working days.

Monetarily things are going well and I am looking forward to getting things for the house and making it feel more like home. It is cute by nature but I think some new furniture and some cool curtains and stuff will make it amazing.

I was off the wagon with losing weight but I am planning on trying a little harder since I am in the wedding of someone I love in October. That someone is Laura. Even though I will be the fattest one I don't seem to care that much because Mike loves me for who I am. That is amazing to me.

That is all I have to say for now.

Infuriating

Ok, so Lately I have been trying to be laid back and not let things get to me. Today, I lost my cool. We have been waiting for our deposit from Hampton Gardens to come in the mail and we were expecting to receive our full 690.00 back or at least most of it. Today we received the check. It was for 70.00. SEVENTY. I called them and tried to remain calm but I lost it. I lost it when the lady said that no matter what condition the apartment was left in you have to pay a 345.00 repainting fee. Apparently it was in our lease and we failed to see it there. I will be checking the lease because that is a HUGE thing to miss.

The second infuriating thing was that they charged us 125.00 to steam the carpets. Apparently there was a check list that we were given which stated that we needed to have them cleaned. We never received a check list and they have no proof that we received one. They have proof that they sent one but not that we received it. That is insane.

The last thing that really pissed me off was that they said that our appliances were disgusting and charged us 150.00 to clean them. That is the most insulting thing to say to someone who spent several hours working their ass off to clean a place. I asked for the pictures.

If I knew that they were going to keep all the money I wouldn't have cleaned it at all. I know that sounds mean but I seriously would not have wasted my time. I hate those people. I wish I didn't but I do. I still feel so angry. Obviously. Hopefully I will chill out again. Sorry for the rant.

Oh by the way, if you have something to say like...you should have read the lease better or anything else that isn't, "you are right and they are wrong" please for my sake, keep it to yourself. This is my blog and I am in the mood to rant so if it offends you...don't read it.

A new post

So here is a new post though I don't feel like I have too much to say. Mike and I are settling in to the house. We love the house and are getting used to living in the city. It is noisy and we have to pick up trash in our yard constantly but we seem to live on a good street with some nice people.

As most of you know. I don't have the puppy anymore. She is a great little pup but I started working nights at my job(plus days) and sometimes am gone for 16 hours a day. I just didn't think it was fair to her. Cats can handle being alone. Puppies can't.

Anyway, because I took on nights at the school I don't work at the chiropractic office anymore. I am happy about that because it was getting too difficult to work all day and then actually do massages at night.

So, that's it for now.

The move

Tomorrow with the help with some of the most faithful friends we will be moving into our new house. The truck is being picked up at 7:30am and we are loading all the big stuff and some boxes.

Seriously, moving is a complete drag. We have moved like 6 times since we have been married,I hate moving as I am sure most people do but it is even more horrible when no one wants to help you. It feels like you are alone in the world and no one really cares about you. I am not angry about this but just sad. Mike is a helper by nature. He offers to help people and always steps up to help even if it is something that he isn't keen on doing. He has helped several people in the church with things. We didn't ask the church for help this year because last year no one offered to help. I sent email after email begging and pleading and no one responded. At the women's retreat someone asked me if I anyone had responded and I told them no. It was embarrassing to say that no one responded. I think that that incident hurt me and actually played a roll in us kind of leaving the church this past year.

With that being said, we do have some fantastic friends helping tomorrow. People who have helped us move virtually every time we have moved. Our MVPs Bill and Elis, have moved to New York and we will miss them terribly. Not because we need the help moving but because we know that they would be here helping if they could. That means the world to us. They have literally helped us in pouring rain, sweltering heat, and without complaining. True friends indeed. Our other MVPs Jason and Susan will be here tomorrow. They have helped us so much in the past too. Collin split his calf open with a chainsaw and is helping us move. Brian has helped us move before and helped us in renting the truck. It is these faithful friends that are there through thick, thin and moving that truly make us feel loved.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that my friends that aren't helping us move don't love us and vice versa. I have some amazing friends who have been there through thick and thin and have showed us love in many other ways. I am not trying to make those people feel bad. We know people have good reasons for not helping and like I said, I am not trying to make anyone feel bad. I am just thinking out loud.

So here is to hoping that this is the last move for awhile. and here's to those who are helping us move...YOU ROCK!

More pictures of Lulu

I think she is just the cutest thing so naturally I wanted to share the pictures that were sent to me. Look at that face. Look at those white puppy paws. Don't you just want to give her a little kiss? Yeah, I thought so.

Farkel

I love games. I am always up for playing a game unless it is some game that makes me use my brain too hard and I feel stupid. In early March a couple of us DiNatale kids were spending the weekend at the Homestead AKA my parents house. Lindsay and Collin introduced us to Farkel. Farkel is this extremely fun dice game that is reminiscent of bunko and Yahtzee. It is a game of chance and risk taking and is completely addictive.I am not going to go into the details of how you play because that would be boring. Just know that it is fun and everyone must try it.

Lindsay gave me Ultimate Farkel for my birthday. We have played it with friends and we love it. There are a ton of different varieties (Linds and Col have Froggy Farkel) but they are all equally fun.

Give it a try. You will thank me.

The house

So some people have been asking about the house. What does it look like? Where is it? So I thought I would answer some questions and maybe post a picture or two.

The house is a 3 bd 1 bath townhouse in the Tacony-Wissinoming section of Northeast Philadelphia. It is the second from the last unit on the right side of a one way street. It has a little yard in the front which mainly consists of a small hill sloping down to the sidewalk. There is grass there and a rose bush that has been trimmed way back. I hope it still will bloom. There is an open porch and a storm door as well as the regular door.

You walk into the living room and the stairs are to your left. It is an oddly shaped room so it will probably be used more for a sitting room than anything else. This room leads straight to a dining room and that leads straight to the kitchen. There is a back door which leads to a smallish fenced in rear yard. Right now the yard is gravel because they had been using as a parking spot. I want a garden back there.

When you walk upstairs there is a room in front of you, a room to your right, the bathroom and then a room behind you in the front of the house. We are going to use one of these rooms as the place to watch tv and listen to music. The bathroom has a claw-foot tub.

The outside of the house is all light colored brick. The end.

Tallulah Belle AKA Lulu

I told you that I would post a better picture of my puppy and here it is. As you can see she is quite the cutie. She is so young that she will look different when I get her. She will have curly hair because it is already starting to be wavy. I am posting this because today is my birthday and she is my birthday present. I had to look at her picture again because she is just so cute.

My birthday

Wow. I am going to be 31 tomorrow. That is nuts. If you know me you know my birthday is a big deal. I am not making a big deal over my birthday this year. Usually I have a party and invite my closest friends and make them tell me what they like about me. It is called the circle of love. I love making people tell me what they like about me but apparently it was slightly stressful for some people.

My mom has been making me a cake shaped like a bunny for 31 years. Actually there was one year that I wanted a princess party with a princess cake. I think I was 6 or 7. It wasn't as good as the bunny cake. Every year my family would wake me up by singing happy birthday and bringing me presents and breakfast in bed. Angel delight donuts from dunkin donuts. Angel creme with chocolate on top. After I recovered from the sugar shock I could do whatever I wanted for the whole day. I never had to go to school. I could order my family around. Anything goes on your birthday.

I picked out a puppy for my birthday present. She is this adorable little black maltipoo with white feet and white on her nose.In the pic above you obviously cannot see how cute her face is. I will get her when we have settled into a house and she is old enough to leave her momma. She isn't even walking yet. Anyway, I am not sure what to name her. Any suggestions?

That is all I feel like writing right now. I think I need to take a nap. I am feeling kid of ill.

LIBERATION!!!!!

Yea! We are out of the Horrocks Street deal. I breathe a huge sigh of relief but the stress is not out of my body yet. Obviously this now comes with the question of where we are now going to move. The tentative answer to that is Marsden Street. Ah, Marsden Street. Let me take you back to November 15th, I believe it was, when we did our one and only day of physical house hunting. We saw this house that we really liked and wanted to put an offer in. However, the seller said that they did not want to wait until March to close. So we moved onto the Horrocks house. Now it is March and the Marsden Street house is not only still for sale but it is 3000.00 cheaper. Hoo-ray! This house is slightly smaller but completely nicer. Already painted, new kitchen, new carpets and non of the huge blatant repairs. Obviously we are still having an inspector go out on Monday but there is no WAY it is in as crappy of a condition as the Horrocks place. This is slightly more expensive but in move in condition. We are seriously praying that this will work out. You can pray too if you want!

Oh well.

It has been so stressful the past couple of days. Most of you know by now that we indeed did NOT go to settlement on the house. The first issue was that the seller decided that she was going to send over the (already signed a month ago) agreement to our agent with the appliances scratched out, meaning she decided to take them. What made her think she could just scratch out something on an official signed document and send it over like it was no big deal is beyond me or anyone else sane for that matter. So we had to tell her to compensate us monetarily and our agent(who we are now painfully aware is not particular working in our best interest) told us to ask for 500.00(WHAT??!!) to replace the stove(which is by law in the state of PA mandatory), the refrigerator, the washer and dryer. Her idea was to get stuff on Craig's list. (Again I say WHAT??!!) Uh huh, nice. How do we transport it though? Of course we would have to rent a truck, plus gas and mileage, not to mention the time and effort it would take. We decided to ask for more money. Instead of giving us the money the seller decided to take the appliances back. Who knows if they have been damaged or if they still work. That is beyond angering to me.

The second and bigger issue is that the appraiser for the loan insurance came out and said that certain things need to be fixed before they will insure the loan. Therefore we were asked by our agent (again, where are her priorities?) to fix the stuff for the seller and then be reimbursed. Ha ha ha ha ha ha...right. Put our money into a house that we don't own. Why on EARTH would we trust this seller who just tried to pull stealing the appliances? Mike told the agent that we don't trust the seller and that was the end of that. So, now we are waiting to hear if she is going to get off of her ass and fix the stuff that, if she would have just taken care of in the first place, we wouldn't be having this problem. Stupid stupid things that started off as just maintenance and now are full blown repairs because she didn't do these very small things.

Why did we just find out the night before settlement? Oh don't even get me started on the mortgage guy who has been so disorganized and nonchalant about everything that he literally just started working on our case last week. He only started working on it because I called him every 20 minutes to bug him.

You also may have heard by now that our contractor who gave us the bid for the major work that needed to be done is officially AWAL. His phone is off and he is not responding to email. Of course he probably bid low and of course he isn't around to do the work so we are probably screwed in that area too.

How did we get hooked up with these crooks and losers? Well, our agent I found through the Remax website. She then recommended both the contractor and the insurance guy. hmm. Kind of fishy.

If we had more time we would dump the lot of them and start over. However, we do have to be out of our apartment by the end of April and the mortgage guy has all of our information.

There is another house that we have been interested in am actually hoping that this house from hell falls through. Doesn't that say something? That I am praying for this deal to fall through? I personally feel like it means we should just move on. The only thing keeping us on this house is the fact that it is a great deal. (besides all the other crap that is going on).

UGH! For the love of Benji, can this just be over. I know that buying a house is stressful and everyone runs into snafus. But is this not excessive? C'mon, seriously.

Please just pray for us.

update

I know there were some things I was updating about regularly and I haven't been very good about doing that. Here is a brief update.

Weight Watchers- not much to report. Still counting points though I haven't had a very good week. I only went swimming once. This is all due to some drama we have been having with the house.

The House- Some of you knew that Jason and Collin were helping us out by investing in the house so that we could pay the upfront costs as well as get good rates on the mortgage. It turns out that I have good credit and Mike has fair credit and therefore it was a better deal financially for us to get the mortgage on our own. We are getting a really good rate and paying monthly not much more than we are now for rent. We are getting a good chunk of money for the repairs and a lot of seller assistance.One truly God ordained thing is that Mike got a big bonus on Friday that will pay for the majority of our closing cost. We go to settlement on Tuesday. One thing that is a big issue is that the contractor who gave us the estimate for the repairs is now MIA. Seriously, his phone number is out of order. We need another one in order to get the work done so we can move in.

That is all for now.

Oh Man!

Darby just sent me this. How can anyone be grumpy when there is a pensive tiger on the loose.(who's fur looks a tad too small)

Back to black

Do you know how horrible it feels to be depressed when you know that you should be happy? Everything is going well and I am getting all that I wanted,all that I thought would make me happy and because I am fucking mentally ill nothing seems good. I just want to claw at my insides. I want to take a knife to the part that is hurting right now and pop it out of my chest. Don't try to point out the good in my life because I know it is there. That is the problem. I know I should be happy.

Well, as you can tell. I am not well. I am back on the fucking lexapro.

Jealous...yet again

I am having one of those days where I feel so inadequate and mediocre. Wait let me start over.
I am a lover of the arts. I am a lover of creativity. I am a lover of money. I am a lover of compliments. Therefore I am extremely jealous of those people who are creative and make cute fun creative things and then sell them for money and have people rave about how cool they are. I am just so not extremely talented and I really just want to be. I wish someone would just teach me how to do something cool so I can amaze people and have people snatch up all the stuff I make. I want to write songs that people think are great. I want to be super good at SOMETHING.

Nice

I finally hit the 5lb lost mark on Weight Watcher's . Whew. that was tough. It will hopefully be easier without the lexapro holding me back. So I have lost about 8lbs altogether. I am happy with that and it gives me hope for the future.

In other news, we go to settlement on the house in 20 days. I am very excited.

Also, Mike said that if I stop biting my nails and let them grow out I can get a puppy. Sucka! I can do that... no sweat. We can't get a pup until we move into the house and we are looking for a small breed. Hopefully a rescue and probably older. If you know of any looking for a home give me a shout.

Jealous

I am having a jealous day. I wish I wasn't. jealousy is one of the most horrible feelings on earth and I know that I struggle with it. These are the things I am jealous of today.

1. On the Weight Watchers community board there was a lady who was disappointed that she is only losing 3lbs a week and wanted advice as to how to lose weight faster. Idiot. Jerk. Insensitive bitch. These are the horrible things that I said to her in my head. Then I realized that I was jealous that I wasn't losing weight faster. Even though I still think the idiot thing applies because losing weight faster than 2bls a week is dangerous and insensitive because no one else seems to lose that fast. However, I know my negative feelings are truly fueled by jealousy.

2. I am jealous of my pregnant friends. There are so many of them working on their second children while I am having a hard time conceiving my first. Of course I am happy for them...no really I am....it is just hard for me to really feeeeeeeel the happiness because I am jealous.

I guess that is it for now. I am trying to reconcile my feelings and be happy for what I have and to have hope for the future that I will get what I want.

Things to be happy about

I am feeling depressed and achy and tired and sick in my stomach and sad that I am not pregnant so I will make a list of things that I am happy about and hopefully I will start to feel happy. I am not going to list the usual stuff that goes without saying like, God and family and friends. I am going to go kind of surfacing and not deep cause I can't think deeply right now.

1. I was able to clean the kitchen today and it felt good
2. I had some tasty tuna and crackers for lunch
3. I am sticking to my points and feeling good with Weight Watchers
4. I don't have to work today and I am going to take a nap in a minute
5. Mike said I might be able to rescue a dog for my birthday after we move into our house.
This is an improvement from when he told me no firmly and said end of discussion.
I probably won't get one but it nice to know that it is a possibility.
6.We go to settlement on the house in less than a month
7. The withdrawal from Lexapro is actually going better than I anticipated
8. I didn't get Mike's sickness
9.I am going to spend time with family this weekend
10. My tulips from Mike look especially beautiful today

They might be a stretch but I did the best I can

Britney Spears

Can I just say that I like Britney. I like her songs and I feel really sorry for her. I have this bad feeling that she is going to end up dead before too long. Have you every listened to Everytime? It is a really beautiful song and it just makes me want to cry. Of course everything makes me want to cry these days.

Going off Lexapro

Wow. It is insane. On Saturday morning I had one of my withdrawal meltdowns. Sobbing, sobbing, hypervenilating, sobbing, shaking, can't understand words. My whole body hurts like someone has been pummeling me from all sides and stabbing me in the back. My breasts hurt like I am pregnant. I get really overwhelmed really quickly and then I snap. It is literally like I cannot wrap my head around simple things. Then I take a bit of Lexapro and it is ok. So as of now I take 10mg when I am experiencing withdrawal...every couple of days. Then I will go down to 5mg....ETC. I used to take 20mg a day. I have read that people gain 70lbs in a year on Lexapro. So I am not that strange. I can't write anymore.

The Beach

Mike and I decided to go to the beach today. I think Mike needed a change of scenery due to illness and we both needed some fun time together. We went to the Jersey shore and it was lovely. It was also really cold so we didn't stay too long because of the aformentioned illness. It was great to be there though. Water is one of my favorite things on earth especially in the form of the ocean. That is one reason why I called this blog Oceans...cause I love the ocean. Ok, enough of that. Anyway, it is very cathartic and it always makes me feel like I spent some time in therapy. We are going to head back when it gets a little warmer.

I love Tulips

Tulips are my favorite flower and despite the fact that he has the flu, Mike ordered me some and had them to to the house for Valentine's Day. What a good man.














The Figs likes tulips too.

Da Flu

I didn't get a flu shot this year. I have actually never gotten the flu shot and I don't remember ever getting the flu. Mike on the other hand got paid to get the shot. His company literally paid the employees to get the flu shot. You know what else Mike got? The flu. He has it right now and he is miserable. If you know Mike you know that he rarely takes off work and never for sickness unless he is feeling really bad or if he is afraid of infecting others. Yesterday I got a call and it sounded like a bear was on the line, "babe, can you pick me up" I said , "Do you feel sick"? and he said"That is correct". I think only Mike would say that is correct when he was feeling so badly. I picked him up and he was kind of cranky. I cut him some slack and made him some lunch. I then told him to take a nap. He was less cranky after his nap. I went to work and came back and the poor guy was wearing two sweatshirts and a hat and was bundled up under blankets. It was all I could do to not laugh at him because he looked hilarious. I figured it wasn't a good idea to make fun of the sicky. Anyway, Mike called off of work today and has been asleep all day. I went into check on him and he asked me a question. Before I could finish my sentence he was asleep again. Poor baby.

Weight Watchers

I started weight watchers online and a new blog to go with my weight loss journey. However, not everyone will have access to that blog. My point in saying this is that I might post some stuff from that blog on here but not the really honest stuff...like how much I weigh. This blog is public and I don't feel like sharing all of my secrets with everyone. um, that is all I want to say right now.

I am doing it...and I need all the help I can get.

I just weighed myself for the first time in a long time and I am heavier than I ever thought possible. Instead of getting depressed and doing nothing I am going to be aggressive. I started counting calories and have set the reasonable goal of losing 147 lbs by August 2009. I am swimming three times a week and I am going to try to drink 640z of water a day. I am not cutting out sugar completely but I am going to try to incorporate better foods into my diet and only have a small amount of sugar a day until I am off of it.

I need my friends to pray for me. This is something I really want and need to do.

Hip hip!

Yay! The owner accepted our offer! We are (lord willing) going to be home owners! We go to settlement on March 15th. Mike and I are really excited. Thanks to all of you for the encouragement and prayers.

waiting

I hate waiting. I feel like I have been waiting for my whole life. I know I should be patient but I just feel like I need to know now. It just kind of sucks when you have to wait for an answer about one thing before you can move on to another thing. The house for instance. It has been nearly 1 month since we told the agent that we wanted to put in an offer.She needs to really get on the ball. I know that the price of the house is just a drop in the bucket compared to some sales she is probably dealing with but good grief. She will tell us we need something so we work really hard to get it thinking that that is what she needs to make the offer and then I won't hear from her so I assume she has made the offer. A couple of days later I will catch up with her and ask her what is going on and she will be like, "oh, I need this too". Sometimes she tells us she needs something that we have never heard of but she insists that she sent it twice already. Sometimes we will send her things a couple of times and she will say she never got it. It is so frustrating. I wish it could just be simple. We can't find another agent cause she has all of our information. We can't look at other houses because she might make the offer. It is just all up in the air. We need to tell our apartment management whether we are leaving in April but we don't want to do that until we know for sure that we have a house. This is just so annoying to me. I know people have said it is stressful to buy a house but... jeez.

Wishes for 2008

When I was turning 28 my mom asked me what I wanted for that year. I said, "Um, to be engaged". She laughed and said,"Maybe you should find a guy first". 7 Months later I was married. I didn't try to make that happen but Mike and I went on our first date a couple of days later and the rest is history. That was two years ago and I haven't made any big wishes out loud since. So I was thinking that I would make some wishes and share them on my blog.

So what do I want for 2008? Well, let's see...I want to own a nice cozy house and I want to have a baby. Too tall of an order? I think not. If God can let me go from never having a serious boyfriend to being married in 7 months I really think he can handle those two requests. I am excited. Next year this time we will see if my wishes for 2008 came true.

Etsy

I don't know about you but I love handmade, one of a kind anything. I love the idea that I got something cool and original that no one else will have. I also like supporting those who are cool and crafty and able to make awesome stuff.

Etsy is a awesome site that has a ton, and I mean a TON of really nice stuff that you can get for those you love including yourself. I have a few friends that have sold some of their goods on there (peedlebug awesomeness) and some that are planning to do so. Granted there is so much stuff that is impossible to see everything cool and weed out the stuff that may be cool to some but not really to anyone I know. There are some tricks to searching. One thing I found that works is when you find something you like by a cool person you can see what their favorite items are and their favorite sellers. If you keep doing this you stumble upon a whole lot of good stuff. Take a look.
http://www.etsy.com/

More things I love

I like to think of my "things I love" posts as Oprah's favorite things show. Granted, I don't give away huge expensive presents and I don't think anyone will pass out while reading it, well , hopefully not cause that would mean something was wrong with them. Anyway, here are some more of the things I love and some things I recommend trying if you haven't already.

1. Bath and Body works 3 in 1 in Dreamy Chocolate Mint. This was the BEST white elephant gift a girl could receive.Thanks to Linds, the best little sis. You can use it as shampoo, bubble bath and body wash. I have used it as all three and let me tell you what...it works great and the smell is amazing. I follow it up with the DCM lotion and feel soft and smell great all day.

2. Dirty Sexy Money...the show. I wasn't planning on watching it because I assumed it would be all sex and no story line. Quite the opposite and pleasantly surprising. Extremely lovable characters and multiple story lines that draw you in and keep you coming back for more. It comes on ABC at 10:00pm on Wed nights. If you have Comcast digital cable you can get the new show on demand the next day.

3. The Namesake...the book. Uh, Fabulous. You have to read it. It is just great.


Ok, so there are only three things that I am mentioning right now because I can't think of anything else. I will keep you posted .

Five things I have done right

I have been tagged by Jen to say five things I have done right and because I never ignore a tag I will try my best to think of them. Most of my five things are basically huge steps to one common goal. I hope that counts because they have changed my life.

1. I decided to be healed.
When I was 18 years old I realized that I was royally F'ed up. I had huge mental and emotional issues and I decided to embark on the journey of wellness. The first step I took was getting prayer whenever the heck I could. The second step was...

2. Going to YWAM for my DTS.
This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Making the decision that I couldn't stop the endless cycle of drinking, drugs, depression and bulimia without completely taking my life out of my hands and putting it in God's. I literally felt the physical pain of the strongholds in my life being broken. I learned about forgiveness and forgave my parents and others that had done damage to me over the years. This also led me to #3

3. I admitted that I still had mental illness and went to a therapist.
Who helped me heal, realize my goals, and overcome my fear of men. Which led me to number 4.

4. I married Mike. Who completes me in a way that only Jerry Maguire can understand. Just kidding. He is perfect for me and completely worth the wait.

5. I maintained my friendships with some seriously AMAZING people who are now just like family to me. Missy, Elizabeth, Elis, and Jessica. I have been so close to all of them for over 10 years and most of them over 15.(missy 27 years). Plus, I am extremely close to my two sisters Darb and Linds, who I couldn't have survived without.

So there are 5 things I did right. I believe there are more but I will stick with the five.

spillage

I know for a fact that when you are a dedicated blog reader it is really annoying when one of the blogs you frequent hasn't been updated in awhile. I apologize for my lack of posting. I have started several entries and then simply lost steam. I usually reread what I write and find it boring or badly written and I think no one will be interested. I did have a friend or two prompt me to start writing again, which was nice. I will simply spew forth what is in my head right now and you can take it or leave it.

First, thanks for those praying for my "lady issues". I decided to go a natural route as long as possible because of all the side effects that come with traditional fertility drugs.I have been taking daily doses of Fertili-tea. Which is a bunch of herbs that allegedly regulate your cycle and promote optimal conditions for conception. It tastes like peppermint and I enjoy drinking it. I am not sure if I am altering its effectiveness because I make it into iced tea and put sugar in it. It was too much of a hassle to always make it hot because it is loose tea and I don't have an infuser anymore. It seems to be working. Or at least the prayer is helping. I haven't been bleeding nearly as much or as often. This is great news to me. I have decided to not stress out about having a baby. If it is meant to be it will happen. I have a peace about that so I am just going to go with it.

Another big thing that is going on right now is that Mike and I are trying to buy a house. We found one that we like within a price range, in a good area, and we are putting an offer in on it. We can't settle until the end of April, so we hope it works out. It is in Northeast Philly about 20 minutes south from where we are now. It is exciting and I hope it works out.

My furry baby, Naughty Miss Fi,(Fiona) is, as we speak, doing her annoying suckle/knead/purr/drool thing on my shoulder.I don't know why she only does it to me but I don't like to be covered in kitten drool. She is going to have to be spayed soon. If anyone knows of a low cost program please let me know.

My dear friend Nina, has informed me that her big gray and white cat, aptly named, Gray and White, has misplaced himself. Please let us join in prayer for his safe and speedy return to their home.

So that is what is going on in my head right now. Hopefully I will keep you up to date on the happenings in my life.

A wonderful two years

I can't believe it but Mike and I had our 2nd anniversary yesterday. It was a wonderful day. I woke up to roses and donuts and a beautiful card that made me cry. Mike gave me a really fun karaoke game too because he knows how much I like to sing and record my singing. We then saw the Darjeerling Limited, which was a GREAT movie and then finished off the day with dinner at the melting pot. I felt super loved all day. (I gave mike a present and card but I don't need to go into all that). I just feel so blessed to have someone who loves all of me for who I am. Words can't express my love and gratitude.

Fun this weekend

On Friday night Laura and Chris came up and took Mike and me out to dinner. We went to a nice Italian place and ate food and drank some sweet fruity wine. Chris went home and Laura spent the night.

On Saturday Laura and I went into the city for lunch and then went to one of my favorite stores...Lush. If you have never experienced Lush I would have to say that you are missing out. They have amazing bath and skin products that are so yummy smelling and do wonders for your skin. I got turned onto Lush two years ago when I somehow got word of Dream Cream and had Mike buy it for me for Christmas. It certainly lived up to it's name. My dry skin was gone after just a few uses and those little red bumps that I always get on my upper arms vanished as well. Yesterday I bought a slice of soap called SEXYPEEL. It smells like a delicious lemon cookie and has lemon peel in it to exfoliate the skin. The smell cheers me up instantly which is really important during this time of year when I tend to get S.A.D. I also got a really good smelling solid massage bar. You rub it on your skin and it turns into a moisturizing oil that isn't too greasy. Love it. The closest Lush store in this area is on Walnut street. Which is perfect cause it only takes 20 minutes to get there. Parking is a pain so I am going to figure out if the train can get me close.

Anyway, it is great stuff and I would recommend that everyone go there. You are sure to find something you love. Or you can just go to Lush.com but you won't be able to smell all the yumminess.

ANGEL

Thanks

Blue eyes as deep as the ocean look at me and hold my gaze
a smile so honest that it reveals my deepest secrets and
a soft kiss that makes me forget where I am

I have been broken but you are putting me back together again
you have my heart and all of my love

My poor baby

My cat, Figgy Pudding aka Mr. the baby the Figs Aka Figgy piggy purr pants. AKA Figoo(by Mike), get groomed usually once or twice a year. He usually gets shaved all the way down to the skin depending on how bad his mats are. His mats weren't very bad this time but he was beginning to get his poo stuck on his tush so I figure it was a good time to get his fur washed and cut.

Today I took him to the groomer that is attached to the vet that we have been using for Fiona. From the moment we stepped out of the car we heard the mournful howling of the dogs. We walked around the building and had to walk across a slanted and shaky footbridge. The dogs got louder as we approached the door and I looked in the carrier to see if Figgy was ok. He was walking in circles. I laughed a little bit and said that the dogs wouldn't eat him.

As I handed the Figs off to the groomer I assured her that he is very well behaved and that he has never had a problem in the past with his grooming. In fact, his groomer in Delaware commented on how good he has always been for her. Anyway, she took him and said she would call when he was done.

I got a call around 11:45am telling me to pick him up by 12:00. She then proceeded to tell me much to my chagrin, that Figgy was so bad that he is now officially banned from that groomer unless he is tranquilized first. Gulp.

I wanted to cry. They must have hurt him. That is all I can say. He is so good natured that he has only hissed once in his life and that was when Fable banged into his face upon introduction.

I brought Figs back home and let him out of his carrier. He sauntered out of the carrier and plopped down a few feet away from me. I tried to tell him that he looked nice and he literally got up and turned his back to me and plopped back down. Later he got down on the floor to pet him and he got up and walked under the bed. Woa. Pissed off kitty. I apologized later and gave him a treat. He isn't ignoring me anymore.

Now I have to find a new groomer for next time. I think I will go to a place that doesn't board dogs.

Getting healthy

OK, so I have been fat for awhile and have gotten really fat in the past 2 years. No, no, don't deny it. Oh, you weren't, OK. I mean, I look at pictures of when I thought I was fat and I look slightly chubby. I hate that. Why couldn't I have just been happy then. Well, the point is is that I have tried losing weight in the past and seriously the only thing, and I mean the ONLY thing that has ever helped is exercise. Right, right. Everyone else in the world already knows this and I think deep down I knew it too but I just didn't want to believe it.

However, way easier said then done. It has come to my attention that I am an innately lazy person. It isn't all my fault. I was actually diagnosed with attention deficit with HYPO activity disorder when I was younger. The Doctor was like, "Your kid is SO lazy that we need to medically pick up her pace". I was on all the A.D.D. meds and I pretty much didn't sleep the entire time that I was on them. Where was I going with this...oh yeah, exercise. Well, I found that they only time that I lost a lot of weight was when I went to YWAM. You either gain it there or you lose it. Some people in my DTS gained like 40lbs I lost 40. It was all the walking. I mean, it wasn't eating healthy. We ate what we were served, buffet style and it was all made by a 450lb(give or take 100lbs) southern women who cooked like a southern women. Everything was fried or drenched in some kind of sauce. So I wasn't eating healthier. Like I said, it was the walking. I walked everywhere on the base and walked at least 2 miles a day.

When I got back I was able to maintain the weight loss by going to curves. Then that stopped.

Anyway, I then got super sick. My fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue made it really hard to do anything, especially exercise. Yet, exercise is what I need to feel better.What to do?

Well, pretty much the only exercise that I really enjoy is swimming. So, now that things aren't quite as tight financially, Mike and I decided to join the ymca in our area. His work also reimburses us for some of the price.

I swam today for about 35 minutes and I feel really good. I feel like my muscles don't hurt as much and that I will sleep really well.

I really hope this is a step in the right direction. I hope that I can become healthier and stay the course even though it will be a long road.

I am not recommending this movie

This movie was great and had the entire theater howling with laughter in spots. I will never recommend anyone see it though, because it is also very crude at times. I mean, duh, end of high school and the guys are trying to get with the girls that they have crushes on. Of course it is going to be crude. It is really funny though and much less offensive then some of the other "teen guys trying to get laid" movies. I wouldn't recommend it because some might not think it is funny at all but I do want to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it.

unfortunate

I guess I will just write about how I am feeling just now...It could change soon so don't hold me to it. I feel 60% shitty right now. Emotionally, physically, mentally and whoops can't forget spiritually. I have been bleeding for about three weeks...bleeding from your private parts can really put a damper on all things good. It is not only annoying because sometimes I "flood" at inopportune moments but I also feel really lightheaded and weak a lot. I asked the doctor, "hey, what can be done?" She said to go back on the pill. I said,"But, I wanted to try to have a baby relatively soon" she said, "then you hare just going to have to deal with the bleeding". Thanks bunches, lady. Thanks effing BUNCHES. Do you know what is like to want something pretty badly and then be told that ," Hey, guess what...you might not be able to have that because your body is f'ed up". I might not be able to conceive because if I bleed all month it means that there is no time to ovulate.That is really sad. I don't feel like writing about it anymore but feel free to send your condolences.

blah

I recently noticed that my posts haven't been very poetic or thought provoking. I apologize for that. I think my writing was "deeper" before I got married. I will try to do better.

Finished

It was beyond wonderful. I couldn't imagine it ending in a better way though it makes me said that it is indeed, over. Now I look forward to her writing something else.

What is wrong with me?

So, I have been ill for years. I mean really, I never feel well. I have been to Doctors and they always say the same annoying thing..lose weight. It isn't that simple and I know that the easiest thing for a doctor to say is, "you are overweight and you will feel better if you lose weight". Fact is that I felt sick before I was very overweight and it is the pain and fatigue that keeps me from exercising.I need a doctor who cares enough to look past the weight.

I am exhausted all the time. My body always aches. I get excruciating headaches at least twice a week. I feel sick to my stomach when I am hungry and even more so after I eat. I feel dizzy and lightheaded often. I get weak quickly and need to sit down. I have restless legs at night and often restless arms too. I am always really stiff especially in my legs. I have had the pain and stiffness in my legs since I was a child.

I just made an appointment with an internist. These doctors of internal medicine are apparently more thorough and do tests and blood work a lot. I need help. I am so sick of feeling so bad.

sad

I feel entirely sad right now. I feel so disconnected. If you know me at all you know that my friends and family are my world. I say this because I keep getting word from other people about my close friends and family. Things that I feel I should know. I hate that. I think it is because I work really hard at my relationships with people and I tell people things so they are a part of my life. I feel like I used to be in the loop and I just am not anymore. It is sad. I don't even know what to do about it. I HATE being the last to know stuff.

double yay!

Mike is a really hard worker. He has one of the strongest work ethics I have ever seen and goes above and beyond his job description in order to be a great employee. I say this because Mike had his one year review at his job today. On the way to work Mike said that he hoped for at least 5% of a pay raise in order for him to feel like they really appreciate his hard work. I prayed really hard for this because I want him to feel appreciated and not taken advantage of. He just emailed me with the results. I can't write the details just in case somehow someone from his work would see this, but he got more than a 5% raise and was promoted to senior designer. I am so proud of him and I thank God for this long awaited financial blessing and the recognition that Mike deserves.

Yay for me.

I am happy to announce that I have been offered a massage therapist position at a chiropractic office. HOORAY! Seriously. It is part time but it will be regular hrs and pays more than my current extremely part time job. I will actually be doing both jobs but my new one is not contract so I will be a real live employee and that is good news all around.

Breakfast foods

I have been told that it is really bad to skip breakfast and therefore have tried to start eating it. However, It is has been a challenge over the years making myself eat breakfast because I don't feel hungry until around 10:00am. I would say that I am more of a brunch kind of gal. The other challenging thing is that I do not like eggs in the morning. I actually cannot make myself eat them. So, what to eat...what to eat?

It is interesting because although I would say that I do have a sugar addiction, I am not a huge fan of sweet food in the morning. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have my coffee with PLENTY of sugar so maybe that is why I like something more substantial for food.

So one thing that I actually love to eat in the morning is bagels. More specifically bagel sandwiches. Usually I will cook some bacon and put it on an un-toasted plain bagel with a smidge of mayo. Delish. My favorite breakfast sandwich I made was caramelized onions and green peppers, crumbled sausage and Cheddar cheese on an un-toasted plain bagel. It was completely wonderful.

I love cereal, but I prefer to eat that as a dessert at night.

I love muffins and my favorite is banana nut or chocolate chocolate chip.

Don't know why I felt the need to share all that, but I did.

Guess what comes out this week!

WOO to the HOO!

The train

So I will be honest. Although I love when I try new things, I am often really scared to do so. Not everyone knows this about me but I have suffered from panic attacks and social phobia for a long time. I love the thought of adventure but I want someone (Mike) there to hold my hand while I jump into it.

Example: the train.
One thing that is really awesome about where we live is that we are in walking distance from a train station. We can easily hop a train and be in the city, hassle and traffic free, in 30 minutes. Sounds great. However, in my mind it was really scary. I imagined the New York subway system. Dirty, smelly, hot, scary people and all of a sudden I was terrified. A couple of months ago I was suppose to meet Mike to see Bill Clinton speak at one of Mike's conferences in Center City. I was suppose to take the train. I was really excited until the day came and I couldn't make myself do it. Luckily, I had lost my debit card and was unable to go anyway...but still...close call.

My point in saying all this is that on Saturday we had plans to meet our friends Em and Scott in Chinatown for dinner. We were going to take the train. gulp. Mike and I walked over to the train station. It was a lot cuter than I expected. I sat on the bench and prepared myself for the worst. Then we got on our train. Whaaa? It was clean. It was air conditioned. There were nice people on the train. YAY! It wasn't scary. The trip was pleasant and went really quickly.We got off at another non-scary station and walked into Chinatown.

We met Em and Scott and ate at this amazingly good Thai place called Siam Cuisine. We ate Calamari, Chicken Satay, drunken noodles and coconut milk curry. We talked and laughed and had a great time.

When it was time to go home Mike and I hopped back on the train. Again, it wasn't scary.

The train made the trip so easy that I am really looking forward to our next trip into the city. Yay for me. Another fear conquered.

Ghost

OK, so do you believe in Ghosts? A couple of years ago my friend Em and I were carving pumpkins, eating roasted pumpkin seeds, drinking yummy apple cider and making each other laugh when her mom sent her this super creepy pictures that she had taken in a graveyard in Vermont. She was taking a picture of a tombstone and when she looked at the picture on her digital camera this ghostly image was there. Her mother is a Christian and she wouldn't make this thing up. It freaked me and Em out. I literally got chills when I saw it. It makes me wonder a little bit about whether there really are ghosts of some sort. I mean...it REALLY looks like a ghost. What do you think?

Fiona

Here are some pictures of Fiona the kitten. She is more adorable in real life.


http://home.comcast.net/~transfig/kittenweb/

New little furbaby

Fable was a wonderful kitten and I am so blessed to have been his mommy for his short life. His death was very sad and we still get sad sometimes. I have been looking for a kitten for awhile and have found a new little baby to add to our home. As you can see, she is a tiny calico cutie. She is a rescue and more importantly ...a polydactyl (AKA she has six toes). This gives a look of a mitten paw. I am lucky to have gotten her because a lot of people thought she was really cute and apparently polydactyls are in high demand...not sure why...just know I fell in love with this little girl. I pick her up on Monday and I am quite excited. I don't know what to name her but I would like to give her a cute fairyish name. Any suggestions?

New art...blurry pictures

So here is one of my flower pictures. It is super blurry and looks a lot better in real life. I have other ones too.

I am making some note cards for birthdays ...they look really cute and I am proud of myself.

agitation

I feel this weird agitation inside. A restlessness that is making me annoyed. It is like I am bored and I want something to create but I can't figure out what it is. I don't want to do the laundry, I don't want clean and organize, I don't want to read or watch t.v. I want to make something cool but I don't feel inspired to make anything specific. ARG. I wish we had a pool here. I feel better when I swim.

My journal

I suck at keeping a diary. That is why I like blogging so much. You would literally have to look at about 6 different journals in order to have any kind of chronological order to my entries. This picture to the left is my favorite journal. It is illustrated by Becky Kelly, another favorite artist of mine. She does adorable pictures of fairies and other cute things. I always love to write my dreams and what I want for the future in this journal. I like to think it is a magical journal where all the dreams I write in it come true.

James Browne=beauty

I was looking on photo bucket for images for my myspace page and was gloriously introduced to the wonderful world of James Browne. Not the "I feel good, dadadadadada da" guy but the artist who's fairy pictures and mystical creatures resonate with my soul. It literally made my heart swell with happiness to see his work. My friend Emily(Costa) told me that he had been at the Hockessin art festival before and seemed like a pretty nice guy. I could see myself being somewhat of a groupie. I LOVE his work. He even had a cute picture called, " Waiting for Darby". I have a sister named Darby. We are meant to be friends.

The beach

Every year my family takes a trip down to Ocean City, Maryland over Father's Day weekend. The first time we went down was when I had just graduated from High School. My parents rented a room and then let me and Linds and Christine Mulrooney and my friend, Sarah, stay down for the week by ourselves. Darby and Jason had just gotten married and Linds was only 13. Since then we added Lyric, Ollie, Collin, and Mike to the trip. It has kind of shrunk down from a week to all day Saturday, sat night and then part of Sunday.

It is always fun. On Saturday night we always meet some of my dad's friends and go eat at Phillip's which is a phenomenal Seafood buffet. We all have our favorite things to eat but I always fill up on the king crab legs. They are huge and sweet and succulent.

The sad thing is is that this year may be the last hoorah for the DiNatale fam before Darb and her fam and Linds and Col move out West. Sad. I want to write more about this but I feel tired right now and I have to get ready to work.

AN image that I love

I think that this is beautiful and it represents me very well. I really wanted to upload an image since Jen always has super cool pics in her blog and I was jealous.

a new post

OK so, this is one of those posts that is a little embarrassing because it is totally honest but I really feel like I need to talk about this so here it goes. This weekend I was, and there is no other way to describe it, a completely horrible, 100% certifiably evil, bitch. I have been bitchy before but honestly there were moments when I was thinking to myself, "if I were Mike I would have slapped me by now".

To set things up you have to know that I have had massive problems with my menstrual cycle for a long time. I was told that I had fibroid tumors and that I should go on the pill to regulate my period . So, I did and then I was told by my mother that I have breast cancer in my family and that I shouldn't be on the pill. So I took the pill for a total of 5 months and then got off.(my doctor said that that was fine).

The first month after I was off the pill I had my period as usual and I naively thought that perhaps the pill had fixed my problem. Oh quite the contrary. In April I kept waiting and waiting and never got my period. I felt awful. I was nauseous and dizzy I had cramps and mood swings I had to pee a lot. Suddenly I thought to myself,"oh my Gosh, could I be pregnant?" Mike decided early on in our marriage that we would wait two years before we tried to conceive and since we decided that I often have changed my mind and wanted a baby sooner. Mike, however, being the steadfast man that he is, reminded me of the reasons we decided to wait and put his foot down. I felt a bit like a child not getting what she wanted and therefore was very happy and excited at this new possibility that I might be carrying a little baby. I rushed out and got a pregnancy test. Negative. I was slightly disappointed but I figured that it just wasn't the right time for us. However, 3 more weeks passed and I was experience no period and even more symptoms...time for another test.

This past Sunday I made Mike go out and get an early pregnancy test. I peed on the stick and waited for the 3 minutes. Negative.WHY? I felt betrayed by my body. I felt pregnant. I didn't get my period I have felt horrible for more than a month. I felt enraged and then I erupted. I threw the pregnancy test across the room. Yelling profanities,I kicked the fan that was in my path and pushed Mike away when he tried to console me. I flung myself on the bed and wailed. I called God stupid. I told Mike to "stop singing that stupid song" that he was singing to cheer me up. I screamed, "I HATE MY LIFE...I WANT TO DIE". I knew that I was acting like a child and as Mike slowly backed out of the room and shut the door I felt a wave of remorse wash over me. I got up and went to hug Mike. He welcomed me with opened arms and whispered words of encouragement to me as I sobbed into his shirt. What a good man. Mike took me to see a movie and to lunch to cheer me up. I was still pissy and I kept having to apologize. I can't believe what he put up with. He told me that he loves me and I love him and that means loving each other all the time even when things are difficult. What a good man. Seriously. What a wonderful man.

I still haven't fully gotten my period yet. I feel better inside, though which is a huge improvement. I hate feeling like I want to kill someone and I hate being unkind to Mike. Hopefully God will heal me from this problem but until he does it is wonderful to know that I have a wonderful husband who loves me no matter what.

Fantasy

I just want to say that I love fairies. I love them. I think that they are beautiful and it always makes me imagine that there is a fun magical world that we can't see. I like to believe in that world. I like to believe in Santa and elves, and all of the stuff that adults aren't suppose to believe in. I love Harry Potter. Many Christians I have encountered are angry when I say that I like fairies and Harry Potter. It is as if I said that I love Satan. I don't know why they should be so angered. I am not a witch nor do I want to be. I haven't tried to cast a spell on them or hex their families. I am a Christian and I don't practice witchcraft. Whatever. I don't understand people sometimes.

motivation

I need some. I have been sitting here by the computer with the broom in my hand staring out at the faded red painted fence and the wind blown trees. If I crouch down a little and tilt my head up I can pretend that it isn't a parking lot but a country scene and I imagine that there is a cute little cottage with a stream running through the lush green meadow. oh, who are we kidding...it is just a parking lot. It is OK though. There are no cars there just now and at least I see a little bit of nature. I need to get motivated and go clean the kitchen.

Being content

Being content is something that I have never mastered. It seems like every stage of life I am in, I am looking forward to the next. Now, generally there is nothing wrong with hoping for the future or planning with certain goals in mind. I am talking about when you feel like there is always something that you don't have that is the key to your happiness. For example, when I was a teenager I wanted to drive. I thought my life would be so happy if I could just drive. I began to drive and it was awesome...until the novelty wore off. Then it was if I could only graduate from high school. If I could find a better job. If I could only make more money, if I could only find love, if I could only be married, if I could only be rich, if I could only have a baby...and so on. You know what this "if only" way of thinking got me? A: More if onlys.

What causes this? I seriously want to know. When I am constantly looking forward to the next thing in my life, I am unable to enjoy the present time. So, that presents regrets and a feeling of nostalgia. If only I could still be a teenager, if only I didn't have to work. If only I still worked there. It never ends. I have become aware and annoyed at this pattern in my life and am trying to nip it in the bud.

So, I am happy to be 30, married, childless, a massage therapist, a substitute teacher, living in an apartment, in Northeast Philly, with a car that is almost paid off and owner of one cat.

now

So it turns out that now is a pretty good time for us. I mean, we are moved in to our new apartment and getting to know the area. It is actually lovely around here and easy to get places. There are a lot of stores and restaurants, movie theaters, and other fun stuff withing a few miles.

I am working pretty regularly with the company that employs me to do chair massage and I was recently hired by Harris school, formerly Deep Muscle Therapy, as a substitute. That has been fun and has been giving me some work as well. Things aren't quite as tight financially because of the money I am bringing in. I mean, we still are pretty poor but at least we aren't completely broke.

I feel less guilty because I am contributing financial and Mike is less stress out because of that and his short commute to work. I would say the guilt of not helping financially and watching mike work so hard only for our bills to barely be paid was a stress that I have never felt before. I hope I don't experience it again. It is truly horrible.

Things have been going pretty well for us and I am trying not to have the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" mentality. I am praying that this time of rest for us lasts a while and that things continue to get better.

so many thoughts

I cannot believe that I haven't posted anything in so long. I have written several things but then saved them and when I have come back to finished them, I wasn't inspired anymore. Because my head in KILLING me right now I may not write anything to interesting but we will see how it goes.

My life is topsy turvy right now. I hate that phrase...just as I hate the phrase willy nilly. Today I found myself yelling at a bad driver in front of me but trying to curb my usually potty mouth I didn't cuss. I said, " YOU CAN"T JUST DRIVE WILLY NILLY ALL OVER THE ROAD". Of course then I realized how stupid that sounded and started laughing. If anyone could have actually heard me they would have thought I was nuts. Oh well, at least I didn't use the f-word. Ok, right, so the topsy turvy life...I am moving in less than 2 weeks and frankly I am not exactly happy. I guess I am pretty sad. I like our apartment here. It has a balcony with a lovely view, the rooms are fairly spacious, the buildings are clean and the grounds are nice. We are moving to Northeast philly and the apartment, though a two bedroom instead of one, isn't quite comparable in lovliness. I am not trying to be a brat. I just struggle so with depression that I need natural beauty to cheer me up. I am sure it will be ok. I will just have to be creative. Secondly, Linds and Col are moving to Arizona for 2 years. Grad school. Damnit. I will miss them so much. thirdly, if Jason get's accepted to UCLA's film school they will be moving to L.A. fr 2 years. Double damnit. I don't want both of my sisters to be out west.

Urgh, my head hurts so much. I will publish this now so that I don't lose interest. I'll finish later.