Thank you, God.

I will be honest as I usually am. Mike is the love of my life. I love him with all of my heart. I never want to be without him. However, he is not the first person I ever loved. When we first started dating I told him I had never been in love before. As soon as the words left my mouth I knew they were a lie. What I meant to say was that I had never had a serious relationship and even the stupid little nothing relationships were few and far between. The reason the relationships were virtually nonexistent was simple. I had been in love before and I had my heart broken. You see, if you know me well you know that I am an extremely passionate person. I feel emotions with my whole being and while that can be amazing it can also be tortuous. I love fiercely. I am extremely loyal and protect my relationships that I care about.

So here is the story. As I have talked about here before I was not treated well by males and I learned to fear men at a very young age. To me, males could not be trusted. Several males in my life had lied to me. Men that I trusted. Men that meant the world to me. Boys touched in bad ways. They said nasty things. Older men leered. They said nasty things too. I mentioned to you the 8th grade Bible teacher of mine who had a crush on me. In the middle of that traumatic experience I met a boy. A nice boy. At first this boy was just an acquaintance but we ended up in a band together and ended up becoming friends. This boy called me a lot. We would talk for hours. He wrote me letters. He made me laugh. He said nice things. He said he thought I was pretty and talented and had the best personality. He wrote beautiful music and played songs that he had written for me to sing. I was young but I found myself deeply in love. I had had crushes before. This was no crush. This was me knowing someone, really seeing him and loving what I saw. He looked out for me. He was a popular guy and he exalted me to the pedestal of the elite "A" list of people in our class.We slow danced at parties and in his arms I felt safe for the first time. I thought he was perfect.

In ninth grade I was crushed when my parents took me out of school. It was the first year I was to experience homecoming. I waited my whole life for homecoming and now I was going to miss it. I was devastated that I wouldn't see him as much. I knew our friendship would suffer. I was terrified of letting him go. I couldn't imagine my life without him. At that point he was the only good thing. Unbelievably, he was the one who kept up our friendship. He continued to call. He still invited me places. I couldn't believe it.

The summer before tenth grade was the best of my life. I was just discovering my love for U2 and one night in my sister's car we sat with the windows down looking at the stars listening to Achtung Baby. As we sat there talking I was intoxicated by both the music and the magic of the moment. I know that sounds stupid but sometimes there is no other way to describe a moment that is just so perfect. Like it had been written in a book or we were actors in a movie. I felt the deepest overwhelming love for him. I knew that I was about to experience my first kiss and it would be perfect. Just as that electric tension between us was about to overwhelm me a knock on the door broke the spell. A kid that had a crush on me asked if he could join us. We looked at each other and I mumbled something as the intruder hopped into the back seat. Perfect moment ruined.

At the end of the summer he called me to tell me that he had gotten us tickets to see U2. When I hung up the phone I cried. I was so overwhelmed with joy. My favorite band with the one I loved. The day of the show I fretted over what to wear. I had found a box with my dad's old 45 records and I listened to Elvis's I Can't help falling in love with you over and over.

The show was amazing. I have seen several U2 shows since and none compare to that show. As an encore the band played Love is Blindness. My favorite. As a second encore they played I can't help Falling in love with you. I cried. I hid my tears but I cried. It was a sign. We were meant to be together.

I ended going back to school that fall. Just two weeks after the show. Things were great for a month. When Homecoming time came around I thought that I would go with him. He asked if I had a date. I told him that someone asked me but I had said no. Of course it was because I was holding out for him but I didn't tell him that. I mustered my courage and said,"we could go together as, you know, friends or something". He cleared his throat and said,"Yeah, that would be fun but I was actually thinking of asking _______." I said,"Oh that's great". I made an excuse to get off of the phone. I put my head into my pillow and sobbed. Something in me broke. I felt hurt and betrayed. I thought he loved me. He did love me. I know he did. When had things changed? In retrospect I realize that he did nothing wrong. He was a good friend. I should have seen that.

At school the next day I saw him walking towards me. He smiled and started to say something and I turned and walked away. I turned around and looked at him and he looked confused. He made several more attempts to talk to me and I avoided him each time. I needed time to heal. however something took over. It was a fear. He had hurt me and I couldn't handle the overwhelming emotion. I loved him so much it hurt and I wanted to be with him but he didn't want me in the same way. That knowledge was too great to bear. At class I would sneak glances at him. I would pretend to look at the clock so I could turn around and catch a glimpse of his face. I wanted to talk to him. I couldn't.

As the school year progressed our friendship slipped away. The very thing I was afraid of was happening and I was doing it. I was driving it away yet there was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried to will myself to talk to him. I couldn't smile at him. I opened my mouth and nothing came out. My friends would tell me that I was hurting him and he didn't know why. It was as if my mouth was glued shut.

He started dating other people. Guys liked me but I wouldn't give them the time of day. My heart belong to another yet I wouldn't let him near it. It was torture. The thing I wanted most I sabotaged so I couldn't have it. It was insane.

At the end of the school year he wrote a nice message about wanting to be friends again in my year book. I felt sheer joy as I wrote him a letter and gave it to Jason Latshaw who was a friend of this guy and dating my sister. Jason said that the guy was really happy to get it. In the letter I explained how much I wanted to be friends. I geared myself up to see him the next day.

Later the next day we were at graduation and he came up to me and shook my hand. He asked me a question and I felt the debilitating fear creep over me like a dark shroud. I screamed at myself in my head." TALKED TO HIM YOU IDIOT! YOU ARE RUINING EVERYTHING!" I acted aloof and I saw that sad and confused look on his face as he turned around and walked away. Jason came up to me and said something similar to what I had screamed to myself. I knew I had blown my last chance at happiness.

Later that summer he called to tell me that he was moving away with his family. He said that he hoped to see me before he left. I said that I would get together with him. Then I found out that my parents were taking me on a trip that would last the whole summer. Damn my luck. While I was away, he moved. I never got to say goodbye. Then I got the tragic news that my friend, who had been instrumental in me and this boy becoming friends and had been a friend since childhood was killed in a car accident. My heart broke in a way that it never had and I experienced a pain that was worse than anything I had ever felt. Now I mourned for another friend that had moved on that I would never see again.

Later that year we exchanged a letter or two. The year after that he came back to visit and I saw him briefly. It wasn't the same. It never was the same. We lost contact after that. That is when the dreams started. He was there and I was trying to reach him and for some reason I just never could.

I never fully let him go. I still had unresolved feelings and it still stung years later when I heard he had gotten married. Still stung when I heard he had kids. I still felt that he was meant to be with me and I had ruined it. The old proverbial "One that got away".

When Mike and I re-met and started dating and fell in love and got married I was happy. The happiest I had ever been. There was still this twinge of sadness every now and then and I continued to have the dreams. How sick is that? 14 years after the last time we spoke and I still had dreams. I went to therapy. Still had the dreams. I talked to Mike about it. Still had the dreams.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to put things to rest. I looked up this guy on facebook and low and behold there he was. I friended him. When he accepted the request I took a deep breath and looked at the pictures on his profile. I stared in disbelief because his looks are much altered. I started to laugh. I laughed extremely hard. I felt mean for laughing but I was laughing because I was holding on to the image of a 16 year old. I read some of his thoughts on things and I laughed harder. We had very little in common. A Weight lifted off of me and I felt as if I had experience 18 years of therapy in five minutes.

I looked up and saw Mike across the room. He looked at me and smiled and sang a little song he wrote about me that he only sings when we are alone. I was struck by how great his love is. How he loves me, all of me, not in spite of who I am but because of it. He is perfect for me in every way. I walked over to the sofa and gave him a kiss and he put his arms around me. I felt safe. The kind of safe that can't be stolen away by fear and the kind of love that wouldn't be taken away by a mistake or by hurt feelings. I realized that although Mike wasn't my first love he is the best love and the last love I will ever need. Thank you, God.

i'm okay.

This has been a fun weekend. On Friday we went to British Belle tea for wine tasting and dinner. Saturday we went to Brian and Nina's and had lovely dinner followed by hot tub balloon volleyball. It is the only volleyball I am good at and the only one I enjoy playing. Sunday we went to Wyomissing, hometown of Taylor Swift, to spend the afternoon and evening with my parents, Aunt, Uncle, cousin and a bunch of their drunk relatives. We ate some delicious steamers (clams and butter) and some equally delicious low country boil. We were told some stories about Taylor Swift when she was young because my cousin was friends with her when she was around 10. My cousin is a few years older. Today we went to Oktoberfest.

Blah blah blah. here is what I really want to say. I don't know if I want children. I finally admitted to myself that I really wanted to have a baby because I felt like I should and people keep asking me about it. When are you going to have kids? So, are you guys thinking about kids? Have you thought about kids? Do you guys want to have kids? I have been asked in many ways and frankly I feel like saying, "I'm infertile but thanks for asking". The point is not whether or not we want kids but whether or not we can conceive and right now and for the past 4 years the answer has been no. If someone doesn't have kids then they are either not trying to have kids at the moment or they are and it isn't going well. Either way, do you really think someone wants to talk about it? Cause I don't. I really don't. I am okay when a close friend asks but basically my closest friends know whats going on with me and don't have to ask.

I am selfish. I really need a lot of sleep. I love that I am the center of Mike's world. We are trying to save money to move out of the city and buy a nice house. Our child could be a serial killer. We could really mess a kid up. There are a myriad of reasons.

Maybe I do want a child someday. It doesn't even matter because I CAN'T CONCEIVE. DARN IT ALL TO HECK! I am so sick of caring about it. I just have to let it go for now and focus on becoming healthy. I keep losing my focus but I will not be happy with anything unless I lose weight. I know that in my heart.

So that i what I want to say. I am fully aware that my writing has been really bad for awhile now but I don't actually care much about that either. Sorry.

Time marches on

I cannot believe that August is over. When I was little it seemed like time dragged on forever. I was always waiting for something that seemed like it would never come. A birthday, Christmas, a vacation or spending the night at a friend's house. I was always told by adults that when you get older time flies by. I didn't believe them but man, it really is true. Fall is just around the corner. I personally believe that September is fall and it annoys me that it is still considered summer.

I love the fall as I have said many times. I love the winter too and I hope there is a ton of snow this year. I would say my favorite time of year is the 22nd of October until January 2. Anniversary, Thanksgiving, Mike's birthday, Christmas. Wonderful times.

As you may be able to tell, I am feeling a lot better. I had forgotten to take my meds for a couple of days and that coupled with "that time of the month" merged into the perfect storm of depression. However, all is right with the world now. Our neighbors have been much quieter lately. I still pray daily that they don't come back. I have started cleaning my house which always makes me feel better. I have this week off so I am going to do a deep clean.

Right now I have the windows and doors open so there is fresh air. I like the sound of the traffic outside. I feel peaceful.

I' been staring for a while. I don't know how long it has been. It may have been minutes, maybe hours. I feel like I should look at the clock. I don't look at the clock because I really don't care what time it is. Everything hurts. It hurts to move, to think, to try to cheer up. It all takes effort that I just don't want to expend.

I ask myself the same questions that I always do. I hate these questions. I feel so fucking pitiful. I feel like I should be past all this by now. Who AM I for fucks sake? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I have what I want? Why do I feel so sorry for myself? Why do I want to do things that are harmful to me and why for the LOVE OF GOD don't I change what I don't like about myself.

I just want to sleep. I just want too be high all of the time. I just want to be high. All. of. the. time. Maybe I was fine this past week. I can't remember. Maybe I'll feel great tomorrow. I hope I will. I see my therapist on Tues. It has been too long. I don't want to have to be in therapy forever. I can't stand myself right now. Maybe it is a really good thing that I can't conceive. Maybe God is sparing a child from one extremely fucked up mother. Sorry.

Turmoil

I feel like I must ask why is it that I can be so universally affected by things. Let me back up a bit. I love the ocean and I love swimming. I feel instantly better about life as soon as I become weightless in the water.I remember this one time being in the gulf of Mexico in Naples, Fl. The gulf is usually relatively calm and you could wade out pretty deep while still being in waist deep water. One time I was out enjoying the water when all of a sudden I found myself rolling along the sandy floor of the gulf. My body was getting really cut up and I was terrified that I was going to die. It was extremely unpleasant. That wave came out of nowhere and turned me upside down. Now it seems like I can go along totally happy in life and then something comes along like a rogue wave and knocks me down. From that point on for a really long time I feel like I am churning on the bottom of the ocean. The sad thing is that usually the wave is an issue that wouldn't be a huge deal to other people.

For example, Our really bad neighbors. We have never had bad neighbors before and these people are really tough to deal with. We have the fact that there is a group of loud teenagers on our front porch at all hours of the night. We have the perpetual trash heap both on the shared steps and flowing into our yard. We have the swarm of flies that is constantly buzzing around their trashcan because they put dirty diapers in there without a bag which now buzz around our trashcan cause they use that too. We had the incident of a kid climbing on to our roof. A piece of our steps has been broken off and our alarm system sign was stuck upside down into the ground. We have the fact that someone uses our hose without asking. This is indeed extremely annoying behavior but I feel hopeless. I feel anxious. I feel like my world is crumbling. I have panic attacks. I sobbed last night when we got home from Maine cause I just wanted to move there. I feel like these people are ruining my life. I don't want them to have that power but there is literally nothing to be done. We have tried saying something to them and we have tried being nice. I clean up the trash. I say hi to them when I see them.

Ok, I will admit something that is embarrassing to admit. I am embarrassed that I feel this way and embarrassed to admit it but I will. Here it goes...I think I might be prejudiced. I think that after the many bad experiences I have had with a certain race, I kind of feel like I don't like this group of people much. I wish I didn't feel this way. I have always tried to be a non racist person but it just feels like a certain race is the cause of a lot of the problems in my life right now. I know it isn't a race thing in my heart. I know what bothers me are inconsiderate, uneducated, selfish people and that can be any race at all. It is just sad that these people are acting in a stereotypical way. I hate that. I don't want to think that everyone in this race is the same way but it is really hard right now.

There. I admitted it. Feel free to think I am horrible.

Hi.

I have found recently that I say "hi" to strangers a lot more. I smile a lot more. I hold doors for people. I think this is nice. I have decided that even if people don't say hi or smile back at least I did my part. I have been trying hard lately to be a kind person. I don't think I am an unkind person by nature but it is very hard for me to hide my annoyance at people and situations. I am working on that. You know what else I have found out recently? If I pray for help to have peace or to not be annoyed at someone, God usually helps out. It's nice.

Mike and I are leaving on Saturday to go to Bar Harbor, Maine with my family. I am excited. We hired a pet sitter to come to our house twice while we are gone. I hope it works out and the cats aren't too mad or dead when we get home. I think two times during the week is good right? I mean, they have stayed a couple of nights by themselves a lot of times. I'm sure it will be fine.

I have started eating a low carb diet because of the insulin resistance. I feel pretty good today. I love carbs. It might get really hard.

bleh

I haven't been feeling well lately. I stopped taking my sugar medication because it went up to 50.00 a month and I was feeling better. Of course I was feeling better, I was on the meds. Yesterday I had a horrible sugar episode. I was sweating profusely, extremely weak and dizzy. Mike forced me to eat a cookie I started feeling better. I couldn't really talk cause my brain wasn't working. It was bad news.

Second issue:
I have been struggling with forgiveness. There is a person who has been in my life for a few years and I have known for awhile that they are not a safe person. I haven't been forced to spend too much time with said individual but recently spent a chunk of time with them. I can't go into details but this situation is odd. This person sees their own reality. They don't see truth at all and they cannot be convinced of anything that they do not want to see. I have been hurt by this person but there is no remedy for the situation. I simply have to forgive to keep my sanity and not put strain on other relationships that I hold dear. It is frustrating.

That is all.

Not much to say

I thought I would write a new post though I do not have anything that big to say. Just a few small things,

1. I am extremely excited about the upcoming wedding of my dearest friend, Elizabeth SJ Letham. She has asked me to be a Maid/Matron of honor (her sister is the other one)


2. I had a dream last night that Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) was my boyfriend. It was a really good dream. He bit me. I liked it.

3. I am unbelievable exhausted today and I do not know why. Must have been that dream.

imagination

I am so blessed to have an imagination. I sincerely feel sorry for those who cannot conjure up anything other than reality. Frankly, my imagination has kept me going through the years. It keeps me from getting bored and it helps me to be empathetic in many situations. Sometimes I wonder if I use my imagination in a way that is harmful. I know I have used it as an escape from my life in the past but on the whole I feel that it brings me joy and I don't feel like that is wrong. One of my favorite things to imagine is that I live in a cottage in the woods and there are all sorts of mystical creatures hiding in the yard. I literally imagine that I do not live in the city but the country. Just past the woods that surround our house is a lush meadow with thousands of wildflowers. If you look further you will see the ocean which is crystal clear. That is where the mermaids live. They like to swim with the dolphins and wave at me.

That is what I am imagining right now. It is a nice place to be.

new post

I feel like I have been so busy lately but it actually feels really good to be so. I have to say that coming off of the intense practice schedule leading up to Godspell left me exhausted yet used to being busy. Oh wait, maybe I should comment about Godspell. Ok, I'll sum it up because I have a lot of feelings about it.

I loved doing Godspell and I hope we get a chance to do it again. We went from kind of sucking to being absolutely fabulous. I got closer to a great bunch of people and really had fun working towards this end goal.
I am really proud of myself for a couple of things. Firstly, I am proud that I committed to doing it and then didn't punk out. Although many a mishap kept me from feeling great I still went to the majority of rehearsals.I made it even though I live about 1 hour and 1/2 away. A huge goal of mine was to stop make commitments and then backing out. Although it was tough, it was totally worth it in so many ways. Secondly, I was really nervous to perform and have actually had confidence issues for a long time. A fear of what other would think of the only"fat" one in the show. I am proud of myself for trying out and then performing. Though Saturday night I was very nervous I pulled off Sunday without so much as a stomach flutter. Ok, maybe one or two flutters before I got on stage but nothing as soon as I started to perform. Thirdly, I am proud of my performance. I think I did really well.

Moving on...

I usually hate 4th of July almost as much as New Year's Eve. Those are the 2 holidays of which I have a myriad of bad memories. 4th of July means hot hot humid heat, bugs biting and buzzing, and lots and lots of boredom. Buuuuuuut...this year was great!! The weather was perfect. PERFECT!! Warm with a nice breeze. We spent the majority of the day at my parents for a picnic. They got a smallish above ground pool which I played in for hours like a child. My mom and Lyric against me and Ollie in a water gun fight. Ollie cleverly got out of the pool and landed several sniper shots to our opponents faces. We tried to make a whirpool by running in circles and chanting,"whirl-pool whirl-pool". It didn't really work. We floated around on rafts and then got out and ate yummy ribs and other tasty food. Although I swim virtually everyday it is so much more fun to be in a private pool acting like I don't have a care in the world. Frankly, yesterday I really didn't have any cares. It is exactly how summer should be. Then Mike and I left and went to an annual party at Sarah and Kevin's, Mike's friends from college. I got to see my lovely friend , Martha.

It was just a great day. I feel so tired right now. I need a rest. Again, I don't feel like checking my work so sorry if there are typos.

pray for me

I just want to know why I keep being confronted with the same horrible situation. Wait, backing up a bit. When I was younger it was almost like I had a neon arrow over my head that said,"Perverts stop here". I mean bad things over and over again. For some reason I moved on from that and for the past maybe 15 years I have had another neon arrow inviting a new and almost more traumatic predator...the horrible mean, overbearing, aggressive, irrational and lying downright EVIL female that makes my life a living hell. I shall explain.

If you have been reading my blog for awhile you may recall a certain lead teacher at a job of mine that was horribly unfair and mean spirited towards me. I was so happy, heck, I felt completely blissful when I no longer had to see her. Life went along well for awhile and my job has been great. Well, on Friday I had a negative experience with a student. This was not a student of mine and in fact I had never met her before. To make a long story short she was incredible rude to both me and the other students that were present. I calmly spoke to her after everyone else was gone and she got really disrespectful. I am REALLY being nice here and not going into all the details. Anyway, I spoke to my lead teacher, who is a good guy, and he backed me up and said that I was 100% right and that the student was in the wrong.

Today after school the student, the lead teacher and I had a meeting. The student said that she wishes to file a formal complaint about me and then proceeded to say all these false things about me. I mean, it was horrible. She wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise to defend myself and when I finally tried to explain some things she said I was lying. I finally got up and said that I wasn't listening to anymore. I then proceeded to go into the office and cry my eyes out. The lead teacher was very supportive and told me that he was sorry that if he had known she was going to be like that he never would have told me to stay for the meeting. Again, he said that I did nothing wrong and that I have nothing to worry about. Still, it hurt and I felt so mad that I had to deal with that again.

Please pray for me. Not only was this a bad situation but I need to be healed from whatever it is that is attracting these people into my life.

Things I want to say

I have been doing really well with my swimming, I must say. Actually, it is hard for me to say that but I have always felt like after I give myself credit for something I usually mess up big time. However, the book I am reading(well, was reading and have taken a few days off) told me to give credit to myself when I make good choices. I have been doing water aerobics at least 4 days a week. It makes me feel better. I am at the stage where I look a little thinner and my clothes fit better but the scale is only down 2lbs. I am sure it will start to go down soon. I just feel so much healthier and for a girl who has been not well for a long time that is big news.

Tomorrow Mike and I are joining my parents and my grandmother(so sad to not be able to say grandparents)in Ocean city, MD for the next couple of days. http://www.ocmdhotels.com/ocsuites/ at the lovely Holiday inn . It has been an annual trip since 1995. Sadly, Cali fam and Linds and Col will not be joining us. It is so crazy how we added to those who joined us down there. In 1995 I graduated from high school so as a present my parents rented a room for Linds, my two friends and me. The next year Jason and darby were married and were down. Eventually we added Collin to the mix then a little girl named Lyric then a little boy named Ollie then a hot guy named Mike. Mike actually joined us before we were married. We shared a room which is so bizarre because the room was attached to my parents and they were usually really strict about us spending the night with our boyfriends.As in, we weren't allowed.I was 28 and Mike was 31 so I guess they thought if anything happened it wouldn't be that huge of a deal. We didn't share a bed. Just to make things clear. Why am I telling you all of this. I am tired.

Anyway, that is all I feel like talking about now. I feel like it was dumb. Sorry.

Questions for Philadelphians and thosee who pass this way

I feel grumpyish and am glad that I have therapy today. why do I get so mad at people that I don't even know? I get so angry at bad drivers and rude people. Selfish, rude, low class people. do I think I am better? Yeah, I guess I do . Only because I at least TRY to be nice. If someone let's me in, I wave. If I cut someone off I wave an apology. Waving is so easy. It means so much to mean, especially if I have gone out of my way to do something nice.

Here are a few questions I have for the people of Northeast Philadelphia.


Are you unaware of what trash cans are for? Do you have a back condition which hinders you from bending over and picking up your trash so that I don't have to pick up your trash in my yard?

Do you need a hearing aid? Is that why you must blare your music from your car at all hours of the morning and night?

Or is it that your friends are hard of hearing? Is that why you must shout into your cell phone when you are walking down the street "conversatin'"(and do you not know that conversating is not a word)?

Are all you children orphans? Is that why you are able to stand on the street corners to the wee hours of the morning laughing and shouting? Is it because your parents are dead? That is so sad.

Are you really handicapped and are SO handicapped that you are unable to get a sticker that says you are handicapped and it is that you are MENTALLY handicapped because you obviously are not physically handicapped and that is why you park in the handicapped spot?

You must have such a sad life. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Oh, besides work and pay taxes which I am so glad is making it possible for you to get food stamps and daycare paid for and a check once a month so that you can pay for the essentials like getting your foot long nails done. and your new Louis Vuitton bag. Oh, and your Lincoln navigator. Cause after all, we are in hard economic times and it is obviously especially hard on you.

Ugh. Why am I such a bitch?

June 6, 2009

I have been swimming a lot lately which I am proud of. It has gotten to where I would rather make the effort to swim and feel good than sit at home and feel bad. I have started doing water aerobics too. It isn't as easy as it looks. I am however, apparently, the only one under 50 that takes it and therefor look as if I am in great shape. I'm jumping and kicking and punching and jogging and have energy left to spare at the end. It feels great! I feel much more toned and seem to be slimming down a little bit. The only downside is that my body still aches. Today, I guess because of the cold and rainy weather, my legs hurt really badly. Also, if I sleep with my legs out of the covers they feel stiff the whole next day. Which is the case today as well.

Kim Champion, AKA, the best therapist in the world, recommended that I read,"The Beck Weight Loss Solution". It is all about cognitive therapy and applying it to the negative thoughts that sabotage one who struggles with losing weight. It is great so far. I can really relate to a lot of the negative thoughts that I, ridiculously enough, thought were unique to me. If feels so great to know that a lot of other people experience the same negative thought patterns.

Anyway, I have to go to a class and the jacuzzi is calling my achy legs home.

Sorry for typos. I don't feel like checking my work today.

Yesterday

So, in case you were wondering and I am sure you all were, the disclaimer that you have to read before you get to my site is just a precaution because anyone can click on my name and get to my blog. Sometimes I say curse words or sometime I might want to say something that isn't child appropriate. So that is that.

I had a good day. I started therapy again with my favorite therapist at PCPC, Kim Champion. She is a great match for me therapist/patient wise. She isn't pushy but is also not too passive. I am really good at working things out as long as I have someone that I can talk to that doesn't interrupt me and helps me to see truth. My family interrupts a lot. I interrupt too but not as often as someone I love very much named my mother. It feel wonderful to be the center of focus and to know that I am getting healthier. It feels wondeful to be able to talk and talk and know that it is getting me somewhere.YAY! I love therapy. The first time I was in therapy for over a year. We will see how long it will be this time.

Also, keeping with trying to get healthier( I don't like to say,"trying to get healthy" because I am not an unhealthy person. I have a few glitches that need to be worked out). I joined and aquatic center and took a deep water walking class. It is great because it is hard but you don't feel how hard it is until you are out of the water and trying to walk on land.

I have a fertility appointment tomorrow and hopefully I get on a good track. I am really beginning to believe that as soon as I take care of some issues in therapy and start getting my body in shape I will get pregnant.

Prayer would be highly appreciated.

Feeling better

So, I realize that most of the times that I feel depressed and hopeless it is really brought on my either my emotions or hormones being completely out of control. Can you blame a girl who hadn't gotten her period in nearly three months? I think not. I am feeling much better now but still have an appointment on Friday to see if they can help with regulating the periods.

Also, I am going back to my therapist starting Wednesday. I feel like I need help with certain issues and that help needs to be professional.

I seem to either have a fear of failure or a fear of success in areas. Losing weight. Having a baby. Having a dog. With the last two it is also a fear of responsibility or a fear of my life changing to the point of being uncomfortable. I like comfort. I feel like I spend my whole life striving for comfort. It is bizarre to me. I hate not being able to sleep when I want or eat when and what I want. Maybe it is a control thing. Maybe it is a rebellion thing. I don't know and this is why I need help. My therapist really helped me with getting over my fear of men and that was a doozie. After I went through therapy for that issue I ended up being open enough to date and marry my love, Michael. It was perfect timing. Of course, having a baby is also a physical struggle. Things aren't working well. But that is kind of how it was with dating. There didn't seem to be any men around that I had a connection with. I am hoping that when I get my issues worked out I will then be able to conceive.

Anyway, things are looking much brighter and more hopeful. Just thought I would share.

torture

In this exact moment I feel like I hate life. I feel so frustrated and sad and I feel like a huge ball of furious tears is going to tear through my chest in about a second.

I need HELP and I can't get it. I called my previous therapist to see if I could meet with her and she never called back.

I need to go to the doctor and I called aetna to get the name of a gyno and a referral for an ultrasound and their fucking system is down.

I feel so horrible. So so horrible inside.

my dream

Last night I dreamed that I kept taking pregnancy tests and they came out positive. I even took one that showed a range of how far along you are and it said 6-9 weeks. I told my mom and she told Darby before I got a chance to and I was really angry at her. This is a frustrating dream because I haven't had my period in 73 days. Just thought I would share.

My flowers

Here is a picture of some of my flowers.Nice, HUH?

Seriously, I don't mind where I live anymore. I really think my house is so cute even though it is tiny. However, if it were bigger I am sure I would have even MORE trouble keeping it clean. I would really appreciate some more closets and shelves. We have no closet space. One closet in our bedroom and this little nothingburger (as mom would say) closet in the spare room.

Anyway, the area outside is still not completely lovely but I have made it much better looking with flowers. I find flowers so wonderful. It can make even the crappiest of places look cute. I know these people that I love dearly. Their house needs a lot of work due to lack of money and illness which has caused this one person that I love to not do quite as much as he would like to do. Now his wife, who is a precious precious person has done an amazing job of making her gardens looks wonderful. When I look at the house all I see are well placed brights and beautiful flowers. As a matter of fact...When I was first introduced to these people I told their son that I thought the house was cute. He laughed and said,"You are really nice". I was confused.He explained that the house needed a ton of cosmetic work. Strange thing is that I had no recollection of said work to be done.The next time that I was looking for the crappiness I found it. It blew my mind that I hadn't seen it in the first place. All because of the distracting flowers.

Right now I am looking out my screen door at a hanging basket that my parents bought me. I brought some of my roses inside and put them in a vase. I hear birds chirping(the nest that mike wants to move so he can sleep past 5:00am.) I am sitting on my loveseat listening to the 80's music station on Comcast. Figgy pudding is meowing because he wants to go outside.I am getting my hair done tonight.

All is right with the world.

weird symptoms

Something is wrong with me again. I haven't had my period in 2 months, I have had a pain in my right ovary area. I am extremely light headed and tired. I am not pregnant or at least that is what the pregnancy tests say. I go to the doctor tomorrow and hopefully get some help. I think it would be awesome if I really was pregnant but I know that I am not. grr.

Bad dreams

When I was younger I used to take this stuff to help me sleep and it worked really well. I recently started taking it again in order to sleep better and I have found that I have been having horrible dreams. Nightmares, I would say.

I have had a dreamed that Mike slept with someone else.

I dreamed that I was in Naples, Florida where my grandparents used to live but a lot of the gulf of mexico had dried up.It was creepy and horrible looking.

I dreamed that I was kidnapped by the father of a friend from childhood because he was obsessed with me.

The strange thing about the Florida one was that I used to have this nightmare again and again that I was standing on the balcony and the water was really rough and had huge waves. The water just kept rising until it was right up to the bottom of the balcony which meant that everything under the 7th floor of the building was covered in the water.The balcony was crumbling underneath me and I could see huge whales swimming really close to me. It was terrifying.

I also have this dream that I am in my parents neighborhood but mansions have been built up all around it. The a war breaks out and it turns out to be the 3rd world war.

I think I will stop taking the Melatonin.

Fussy

Mike has always called me fussy. He has also made up nicknames that are variations of the word fuss. The most commonly used one is Fussa. Today I am completely fussy. My body aches and everything is annoying me. I feel discontent and am going through my wanting a dog phase.What is my problem? Anyway, I am not allowed to have a dog. I just want to know what this sickness is that keeps thinking,"this time I can do it". Like I said, I can't have a dog so the point is moot but it still bothers me.

I am fussy cause I don't want to feel like I am always discontent. I want to choose to be happy but right now it is hard. I want to eat but I want to be thin. I want to stay home all the time but I also get bored and want to work. We also need the money. I want a baby but I cannot have one. I love my garden but I am impatient for the flowers to bloom. I love who Mike is but I want him to be perfect. I love being in Godspell but I am also annoyed by it.

I hate this post but I am gong to puplish it anyway.

Random thoughts

I didn't sleep well last night because I could get to a comfortable temperature and now I have a headache that feels like a hangover headache. Yucky.

Yesterday morning I laid down on my front porch and read. I was at eye level with my flowers and if I didn't lift my head and ignored the traffic sounds it was almost like being in the country. Almost.

I decided yesterday that today would be the day I stopped eating sugar. It was going really well until I woke up. I forgot and put sugar in my coffee. So, maybe I will just say today is the day I start cutting back my sugar intake.

Some of you may have seen my cats do their trick but for those of you who have not experienced the wonder of the Amazing Figs and Fiona Show in which they both, that's right BOTH defy nature and gravity by (drum roll please).......SITTING FOR A TREAT...where was I going with this, ah yes, they have both officially stopped learning. The Figs plants his butt before I get a chance to say sit and won't budge. Fiona jumps up and then sits when I tell her. When I try to teach her something else she will just sit as if to say,"There. Now give me the damn treat". Oh well.

Over it.

Ok, I am better now. I know that I am beautiful.

She looks so happy in pictures. the little girl with the messy brown hair. Her mom tried to make it look pretty but it can't be tamed. In fact, people have been trying to tame certain aspects of her personality and her looks for years to no avail. She is incorrigible.

She has a twinkle in her eye like she's playing a game. A strange little smile. She knows something she isn't telling you. She finds something funny but she isn't letting you in on the joke. She is mischievous.

They say she is a trouble maker. She has no self control. She talks all the time and won't do her work. She is a disruption to the class. She is messy.She is disorganized. She doesn't turn her homework in. Her handwriting is sloppy. She is a smart child but she doesn't do what she is supposed to. She is bad.

Her parents are always yelling at her. She tries to do what is right but it isn't easy. She wants to make them proud of her. She wants to be good.Her sisters are good. She is disappointing.

She lies a lot. She lies to get attention. She lies to get out of trouble. She lies to make herself feel better. She is a liar.

She gets older and develops physically before all the other girls.Boys do bad things to her. They say things and touch her in ways that make her feel sick. She hates it but she likes the attention.She makes jokes so she doesn't cry. She makes them laugh too so they don't laugh at her.

People call her ugly. She doesn't understand why. They say she is fat. She doesn't know why her body is different from every one else's. She doesn't look like her sisters. They are skinny. People tell her that she should look like them. They say that her sisters are beautiful. They are beautiful.

They say that she is not beautiful. They say that she is not beautiful. They say that she is not. She is not beautiful.

Really?

So when I was younger I was constantly being compared to Darby. She was this legendary girl who was so beautiful and popular that people all around Delaware knew who she was. Every state we went to and every new situation it was always the same thing, Darby was this amazing creature that guys would just fall for. So when I was getting ready to go to Wilmington Christian mid 7th grade my best friend Missy told me that boys were already interested in me before I even got there based solely on the fact that I was Darby's sister.

Sadly, I disappointed a lot of people. Seriously, I did. I would be introduced and then someone would inevitable ask me what my last name was. As soon as I said Di Natale, I saw their eyes bug out. "You are Darby's sister???!!!" They would gawked incredulously. "She's beautiful. You don't look ANYTHING like her".

You think I am exaggerating but I am not. Once some guy even said,"You're sisters? But she is pretty and you are ugly". This cut me so deeply. After Darby graduated I thought I might get some relief until Lindsay started WCS and everyone called her "little Darby"."Oh my gosh, you look SO much like Darby". Grrreat.

So, I have never gotten over that pain but I guess I kind of buried it. It has always come up at odd times. I don't feel beautiful and I never really have. I don't believe Mike finds me beautiful.

Anyway, today Mike and I went to EP with Mike's parents for Easter. It is the church Mike grew up in and there was a guy that went to High school with us. Mike introduced me as his wife, Merry. I remembered this guy because he used to "go out" with my sisters best friend. I car- pulled with her and therefore saw this kid a lot. He had no idea who I was and I didn't bring up the whole scenario from high school. Mike said I went to Wilmington Christian and I made the HORRIBLE mistake, naively thinking that it was safe to say, you might have know my sister, Darby. This guy proceeds to smirk and make this weird face and say," Wow, you look REALLY different from Darby". He literally made a face like, "Who hit you with the ugly stick". I felt like I was going to cry. I am 32 years old and I felt like that ugly little girl standing next to her beautiful sister again. I talked to Mike about it and he confirmed the fact that it was really sad because that guy really did say it the way I interpreted it and he did make a weird face.

Anyway, I just thought I would share that 2 years of counseling have now been flushed down the toilet, I will probably develop bulimia again, and plunge into self hatred all because of this walking anus's mean comment and facial expression.I feel so completely fat and ugly. I just want to never leave the house again. Happy fucking Easter to me.

My sensitive palate

You know, I am a really picky eater. You might not think so to see me because well, I am overweight and it looks like I love food. I do love some food but on the whole I find, even more so now than when I was younger, that there isn't too much that I find delicious. There aren't too many foods that I think are a taste sensation(one of my favorite things to declare something). More often than not these days I find myself saying,"This is NOT a taste sensation".

For instance, I used to love Chinese food. Or at least I thought I did. Tonight I realized that I like aspects of Chinese food. I like crispy noodles. I like egg rolls. I like duck sauce. I like a few bites of general Tso's or Sesame chicken but then I get sick of it. I tasted the Wanton soup that Mike said was tasty. I wrinkled my nose mid bite and said,"Not tasty". I ate some of my pan fried noodles with chicken. It was tolerable but I primarily enjoyed the soy sauce I put on top of it. I didn't eat much and Mike can have my left overs.

We get pizza one a week usually. That is because I am married to a bonafide pizza LOVER. I was going to say pizzaholic but I HATE when people add -aholic to stuff. It makes no sense. It would be pizzaic or chocolateic or shopic. Anyway, Mike can eat pizza everyday. That is not an exaggeration. When we were dating I believe he ate some form of pizza everyday. He thinks it is delicious. Sometimes I think pizza is delicious but it has to be perfect. I like pizza, don't get me wrong, but it takes a lot for me to really love a piece of pizza. I think odd things are delicious. I think they are odd. Saltine crackers with butter. I place the butter on the salted side and place that side on my tongue. I let the butter melt a little and then smell the cracker. Smelling the wet saltine makes it more delicious. I think that is DELICIOUS. I could eat that everyday. Cinnamon Toast crunch in ice cold milk. DELICIOUS. Actually, I like a lot of cereal in milk.

Anyway, that was on my mind.

Things on my mind

1. Sickness: I just went in to the computer room last night to specifically point out to Mike that neither he nor I got sick with a cold or flu this winter. I thought that that was amazing because it is the first time in a while that that has happened. However, now I seem to be getting a cold. I wonder why that is. Is it because I was prideful? Maybe it was a psychic thought. I knew I was getting a cold subconsciously and spoke about it. It is weird. It is unhappy that I am getting sick. I have a sore throat.I HATE sore throats. I used to get them all of the time when I was younger. I had strep a lot. I had horrible Tonsillitis. OK, have you ever had white lumps in your tonsils? It looks like white chunks of stuff. Well, if you have had them( if not you are probably totally grossed out right now) they are tonsil stones. Like, kidney or gall stones. They form in the cavities that disease has caused in your tonsils. Well, I used to pop those suckers out by placing a Q tip on my tonsil and gently pressing. 5 or six would come out and they were stinky. I apparently grew up in a time when the medical community was putting the kibosh on tonsillectomies. After years of agony, at age 26, i finally got my tonsils out. When I came to after the surgery the Doctor pronounced my tonsils the worse he had ever seen. He said they were so full of cavities from disease that there was hardly anything to take out. All of this to say that I never get sore throats anymore unless I am getting a cold. DRAT!

2. My clean house. We had some friends over the other night and we did our usual big clean. I have to admit that the place was messier than usual. It took a couple of hours but it looks great. It smells clean too. I like that. It makes me feel like a responsible adult. I mean, I look around my living/dining/TV room and I love my house. Sure it is small but there are only two of us. Which leads me to my next point.

3. Well, I did get one of the two wishes for last year. I did get said house I love but not Baby Mirris. I mean, Morris. I didn't get Baby Mirris or Morris. I didn't get any baby. Strangely I feel like we didn't try very hard. I think it is cause we...didn't try very hard. We started with a bang by going to the Fert. Doc and I had that surgery but the doctor said that I should come back after I have lost some weight. That was discouraging but I know she is right. I know I need to get healthier before I try to have a baby. I personally feel that we will have a child. I have had two family members on different occasions say that well, Darby said that she had a dream that Mike and I were pushing a stroller on the boardwalk and inside was an adorable child with big eyes and light brown curly hair. Sounds like our style. She has really prophetic dreams. My mother said that she had this feeling that we were going to have a curly haired child. I feel like it is going to happen. All in good time.

4. My E button. It sticks on this computer and quite often I type a long paragraph only to realize that most of my words are missing the {e}s. So, if you ever notice that my words are missing the letter e you know why. That is all I feel like typing. I just took NyQuil and am feeling wonderfully drowsy.

Apple blossoms are so beautiful. They are one of my favorite flowers even though they are on a tree. When I was younger and living in New Castle, DE we had an apple tree, a peach tree, and a maple tree in our back yard. The apple tree blossoms had this amazing smell and the little pink and white petals were so delicate and fairytale-ish. Of course, the tree would then bear apples that would fall to the ground and rot. We would slip on the rotten apples and they would squish through our bare feet. Also, they would attract a ton of bees so I got stung a lot but the blossoms were beautiful.

hmm?

I read on Phillyblog, A place I like to frequent for info about my area, that New Jersey is trying to get marijuana legalized for medical use. What do you think? I seriously want to know. On this particular blog there was a poster who said that he knew people that are just waiting for it to be legal so that they can be high all the time. He used that as a reason to not legalize it. I thought that was kind of odd.

Here is the thing. Marijuana has an analgesic effect and it does alter your state of mind sort of like alcohol and or percoset or any other strong pain killer out there. I have found that if used in a "responsible way" ( let's face it using something illegal is never responsible) which means not too much, there are no negative side effects. If a person drives under the influence, it would be the same thing as driving under the influence of alcohol. If someone has it without a prescription, it would be the same as someone having any other drug without a prescription. I just don't understand why people think that it would be a bad thing for medical use. Can someone explain it?

grrr

Ok, so here is one of my pet peeves. Please don't be offended if you do this. You probably have a perfectly good reason and maybe if I walked in your shoes I would have a different idea about this but...I really hate when Christians say something to the effect of."Jesus, come back soon".As if this life is just so horrible they are begging Jesus to end it all.


I know there is a lot of pain in this world. I know there is a lot of death and I want to see those that passed away again . However, this is a good life. Heck, this is a wonderful life. I didn't always think so but, jeez. I just feel that it makes Christians sound a little nuts to be talking about the rapture or the end of times. I don't want Jesus to come back soon. Sorry, but I don't. There is a lot more that I want to accomplish before I go to heaven.

I know that sounds mean. Sorry.

a little thing

Your eyes are the best kind of blue. They remind me of the ocean in Bermuda. Peaceful and warm, deep and inviting.

When I am with you I feel safe. I feel like if I could just stay snuggled in your big arms nothing in the world could ever go wrong again.

Your voice is like a song. When I am not with you in the house, I strain to hear your little songs that you are always singing about me. I then know where you are and that you are happy.

You make me laugh. Even when I am mad or fussy you always know how to cheer me up. I can't stay mad at you for very long.

When you aren't with me, I feel sad and like a part of me is missing. I go through the day counting the minutes until you come through the door.

Moving right along

So this is the list that I wrote a couple years ago. It is fun to see what I have accomplished.
A small list of things I want to do before I die in no particular order of importance. I reserve the right to add or remove items at will.


A small list of things I want to do before I die in no particular order of importance. I reserve the right to add or remove items at will.


Trip about Europe
Write a book
Fall entirely in love with someone who loves me back **
Meet Bono
Take a stunning picture**
Be debt free**
Write an incredibly moving song**
Get married to my soul mate**
Have a well-kept garden**
Get off antidepressants
Own a house that I love **
Rescue a puppy from the pound*
Have a star named after me*
Have really amazing sex**
Get a better tattoo **
Adopt a lost cause*
Save someone’s life**
Become a Vegetarian for more than 6 months
Get high one more time*
Let a spider crawl on my hand*
Have a child or two
Have a really amazing body
Finish therapy**

* No longer a goal of mine
**Goal completed

Blah

So Mike is going away from tomorrow until Tuesday. I hate when he is away and I will have a lot of time on my hands cause I am only working on Monday. I will be staying with my lovely friend, Laura this weekend. That makes me feel better.

Can I just say, and I know I am not alone in this, but sleeping is one of my favorite things ever. Just the thought of going to bed makes me happy and then the thought of being able to sleep later than normal can literally change my outlook on life. I can sleep late tomorrow. Life feels good.

I guess it is the little things that keep me going. A nice cup of hot chocolate. A warm blanket while I'm watching some t.v. The kitties purring next to me.the plants the I some how manage to keep green and alive. Reading a good book. I think when life is the simplest I am the happiest.

New post

So, per request from my adoring fans, I decided to write a new post even though I feel like I don't have a lot to say right now. I think I will write some things that are on my mind right now.

1. I cannot believe it is March 1. It feels like this winter just flew by.There is snow on the ground today but I am a little disappointed that we didn't have at least one big snow. I guess there is still hope. After said big snow I would then like the warm weather to come quickly. When I say warm I mean mild. I want a nice spring. I don't want it to go from freezing cold to boiling hot. I love spring. I adore the trees when they have the little flowers that smells so good. Apple blossoms are my favorite. The one tree that I can see from my kitchen window has buds on it already. This makes me happy.

2.I keep having recurring dreams about being in YWAM. It is never a good thing. I always find myself at a DTS and I never understand why I am redoing my DTS. I realize all of a sudden that I didn't pack anything and I made the decision on a whim without fully thinking it through. Then I realize that I left Mike back at home and I am so worried that our marriage won't survive it. Then I also realize that some of the people I knew from my actual DTS are staff and they are mean to me. It's horrible.

3. My 32nd birthday is March 25. I cannot believe that I am 32. That sounds so old to me. I still feel very much like a child in many ways. I wonder if there will be an age I get to where I feel like an adult.

4. I can't think of anything els to write about right now. Sorry fans.

Top ten reasons I love my cats

1. They are unbelievably cute. Especially Figgy Pudding. I don't like to have favorites but he has the cutest face ever.

2. They purr and knead like crazy.Especially when they want something.(Kind of like me)

3. Fiona curls up in the bathroom sink and get's out when I need to wash my hands. She wants to drink from the sink-Mike hates this but I think it is funny.

4.They give licks with their sandpaper tongues

5. They are warm and nap next to me or on top on me

6. They can be left alone for extended periods of time and go to the bathroom in the litter box.(Figgy gives me the silent treatment if I leave him too long)

7. They meow and chirp in little trills. It is like they are singing sometimes.

8. They are always happy to see me.

9. Figgy carries this furry thing around in his mouth and meows at the bedroom door and drops it there as a present every night if I don't hide it.

10. They let me kiss them all over their furry faces even though Mr. The Figs gets his mad face on .

life right now.

I am trying to make my life what I want it to be. I love performing but haven't done it it a looong time.I tried out for Godspell yesterday. Our church is putting it on and I am truly excited to be it. I mean, that is, if I make it. I was told that they would let me know and Jonathan winked when he said it. So, I assume I made it unless Jonathan has a crush on me. He and Drew had only good thing to say about my audition so...I hope I made it.

Anyway, I am exciting about getting healthy. I am excited to see what this year has in store for me.
I am feeling good right now.

Not working through

I found Tucker a new home. What is this a sickness? Yeah, it is. I am mentally ill and I know it. I just don't want the responsibility of owning a dog. Even the best dog is too much for me. I have had panic attacks every day. I have sobbed until I can't cry anymore everyday. Mike is allergic. He was willing to work through that. I really hate myself right now. I loathe myself. I just woke up this morning and felt like I didn't want to keep the puppy just for the sake of trying to work through something. I didn't think it was fair to the puppy or to Mike. Mike had to watch me hyperventilate and sob and want to die every night. All over the puppy. I know there are people that actually love having puppies. They get joy from owning a dog. They are happy to see the puppy and get happy feelings when they think about the pup. I am the opposite.

The puppy is going to a place with two other small dogs. Someone is home all day and the people love dogs.

Working through it.

So, I did what I swore I would never do. I even had people that I told to tell me not to do it if I ever wanted to again. Sigh, I got another puppy. I think I did it because I was really sure that I could overcome my fears and panic attacks and keep it. I thought that if I could just find the right puppy for us that it would be great. I thought if I didn't set myself up for failure by researching the puppy that was right for us and making sure that I wasn't working for awhile and waiting until Mike was not going on a business trip that everything would be great.

So, I did all that. On Saturday Mike and I drove 2.5 hours to a place where they breed and also rescue. We specifically went to look at a little black pomapoo with white on his chest. He was 13 weeks so we were skipping the super tiny puppy stage which tends to freak me out. When we got there we walked into this small building where they were washing some small puppies. They obviously were cooing and snuggling them so that was a good thing. The girls informed us that they had to get the owner to show us the puppies. I looked into some of the crates and saw what I knew was the puppy we came to see. All alone in a crate. The lady named Bonnie came in and gave me a handshake(it was extremely weak, one of my pet peeves) anyway, she let the pup out and he raced around the room. Mike was slightly concerned that he was so energetic since he was mixed with pomeranian and he has known some really hyper ones. I knew that the pup was just excited to be out of the crate.Mike also remarked that some super tiny 5 weeks old puppies were insanely cute(and 600.00) I told him that I liked this one that was now licking my face. He was also a fraction of the price.

The lady groomed him for us and gave us a puppy pack. We bought a harness and a leash and were on our way home.

That night we went to Sarah and Jacob's for dinner. We had fun and then when we got home I started freaking out and crying. Mike assured me that everything was going to be fine and that he was our puppy and that we WERE. NOT. GIVING.HIM.AWAY. That night we put him in hiis crate and he slept through the night. I kept waking up with panic attacks and expecting to hear him crying. He didn't make a peep.

The next day went smoothly. I went to bed really early and slept really well. The next day went smoothly. Yesterday went smoothly. The puppy is very good about going poop and pee outside. He peed once and pooped once inside the first or second day but that was mainly due to me not taking him out in time.

Last night I cried and freaked out again. Mike calmed me down.

This is the thing. God clearly wants me to keep the puppy because he is making this puppy virtually problem free. He sleeps through the night. He goes potty outside.When I need a break I can put him in his crate and spend time alone. He and the cats are ok. He is cute and lovable. I am just working through my issues and it actually feels really good.

So, we are keeping the puppy. His name is Tucker. Yes, the joke has been made about what we call him when he humps my arm...sorry but just being honest.

Anyway, I know that most people don't have these freak outs when it comes to a cute and lovable pup. I am weird but like I said, it is a phobia that I am confronting and it feels awesome to be working through it. As I write this a cute little addition to our family is sleeping next to me. He is very cute. A little stinky but very very cute.

When a house becomes a home

I am not sure when this happened but I finally feel like I have a home. Our house, though a work in progress, is so cozy and comfy that I just wanted to post some pictures for those who have never been there. Basically it is just the downstairs that I am showing cause we are still in the process of organizing upstairs but here are a few pictures to tide you over. It is tiny but I love it.

Things are pretty fine

Things have been going pretty well lately. I have been working double shifts which means I am gone from 7:45am until about 10:45pm monday through thursday and then hav a normal shift on Friday. It has been rough but only because my body is rebelling against me. I always get this excruciating pain in my scapula area which then refers pain to my chest. I first got it at my first teaching job when I was working days and nights and it was so painful I thought I was having a heart attack. Well anyway, I am finishing up the double shifts this week and then I will have my usual two weeks off. I need it to recover. Hopefully I will never have to work double shifts again unless I need the money.

We are having Brian and Nina over tonight. We always enjoy being with them. I have been much more social lately and I realize that it is easier for me to be social when I have exercised. I guess my social anxiety is body issue related.

That all I want to say for now.

Support forums

So, I will be honest, as usual. I have struggles with things that I am sure a lot of people struggle with but generally when you are feeling bad you tend to feel alone also. I have wonderful family and friends that I can talk to when I need support but I have also tried some online forums that are geared towards encouragement for certain issues. I find them to be useless. The reason I find them useless is that everyone on there is in so much pain that they aren't really looking to help they are looking to get help. At least, that is what it seems. I have joined 2. I have tried to encourage people but when I write something I get very few responses and the ones I get are pretty lame. Usually they are just an emoticon. Like I write something sad and someone just responds with a sad smiley. Helpful. I just decided that I can't do it anymore. Maybe I am needy but it just seems sad that a support forum ends up making a person feel worse. Oh well. I hope they help some people.


In other news: These coming two weeks are going to be really rough for me. I will be working 11 hours days. Prayer would be appreciated.

I wish I wasn't such a slave to my emotions. Like right now I am sitting on the sofa watching Bringing Baby Home(which I really should not do) and feeling really cranky that I can't have a baby. This crankiness then turns into a feeling of hopelessness. I feel like I will never ever ever have a baby. I feel like a spoiled brat because I want one. I do not want to adopt. I want to conceive and carry a child. I want that baby to be a part of Mike and me. I want a baby now. I do not want to wait until I am older. I am almost 32. I feel like that is old enough. We have been trying for over two years. I am so tired of waiting.

On the flip side. I know God has a plan. I know that there are children that need homes. I know that babies are life changing and it can be really tough. I know that I probably brought on my trouble myself because I am fat. I know that there are people who have been trying for much longer than we have. People who have lost babies. People who have lost older children. I know all this. But... still.

Sorry I keep posting lame things.

Surgery

Tomorrow I have my surgery to remove the uterine polyp. I have hope that it will go well and that the procedure will increase my chance of conception. I am a bit nervous, though. I am nervous to have the procedure done even though I am sure it will be no big deal. I am also nervous that I still won't conceive and then I will have to face the fact that I just might never have a baby.I think if I just knew for sure that I couldn't that it would be easier than not knowing. I felt that way about getting married too. If I just knew that there was no one for me then I would have been able to move on with my life. But it was a wonderful surprise to find that Michael was meant for me.

Speaking of Michael, I do believe that he is my soulmate. Last night when he was tucking me in and we were praying and doing devotions I happened to ask him if he would remarry if I died. He said that he would not. I asked him why and he explained that he only wants me. He couldn't imagine marrying anyone else. We have talked before about the fact that he didn't want to get married until he met me. He wanted to spend his life with me not just anyone. How humbling and amazing to me. I feel the same way about him. I could never imagine anyone being able to make me happy like Mike does. He takes care of me. He makes me laugh. We talk about things. He wants me to be happy. He apologizes when he wrongs me and he REALLY means it. It is amazing to me. How truly wonderful.

So, anyway. That is just what I felt like saying.

My day

Where is my brain these days? No really, that wasn't rhetorical.

Today, I heard the alarm go off and I dragged myself out of bed. I sat on the toilet and did the stare-y thing where I could be there for minutes or hours because I am just thinking about nothing looking at the radiator.Not going to the bathroom. Just sitting and staring. I forced myself to get up and into the shower. Turned the hot water on and hopped in. Burned myself cause I forgot to turn on the cold water too. Stood in the shower and did the stare-y thing. This time I was looking at the floor of the tub. Forced myself to wash and condition hair and suds all the proper places. Forced myself to dry off completely. Usually I prefer to air dry some. Made my breakfast. Ate the breakfast. Got the coffee. Got in the car. Got gas. Drove to 95. Waited in usually traffic jam. Sang to Mindy Smith Christmas album. Turned on the massaging seat cover Mike just bought me. Turned it off cause it was making me sound weird and after all you never know if there is someone hiding in your backseat that was going to kill you but then he hears your beautiful voice and realizes he cannot slay this voice of an angel(yes, I really was scared of that when I was younger). Drove my usual 50 minuted to Delaware. Got all my stuff out of the car and went to talk to my fellow teacher. "Heeeey, what's going on?"she asks. I say,"Oh just coming to teach my class". "Wait, your new class doesn't start tomorrow" she says with a look of confusion on her face. I start laughing. Of course my class doesn't start until tomorrow. New classes ALWAYS start on a Tuesday. I am officially retarded. Sorry, mentally challenged.

So, I figured I will do some tax free shopping and go to lunch and a movie with my Mom and Grandmother.

We saw 4 Christmases. It was funny in spots but semi painful to watch.

I am tired from my big day.

D'oh

I am have been doing pretty well lately. I have started going back to VCF (oops not today) and have been depending on God for the things I need. I have been going through some things. Please feel free to share your thoughts. I mean, as long as they are helpful and insightful. Don't be mean.

First of all, Mike and I did the thing that Bruce told us to do about resisting Satan and/his mean little toadies. As soon as we did that it seemed that things started falling apart left and right. However, I believe that God is good so maybe all the attacks were meant to be much worse than they are. Here are the things I/we are dealing with that could use prayer...

1. Infertility-Truth be told Mike and I have been trying to conceive for about 2 years. We starting seeing a fertility doctor and found out the following things.

A. I have insulin resistance. My body makes too much insulin and the doesn't use it. Therefore I crave sugar and gain weight without trying. I KNEW there was something up with that. Upon further blood tests they also saw that my fasting sugar was really high. I need more tests but they put me on Metformin. Blood sugar issues run in my family. My Greatgrandmother, grandfather, mom and dad all have sugar problems. My dad has diabetes. I am one step away from that.

B. I have a polyp on my uterus. After testing they discovered abnormal cells. So I need to have that removed via D&C.

C.Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome


D. I have low iron.


No wonder I feel exhausted all the time and I can't get pregnant.Sheesh. Please just pray for me.

Don't feel like writing anymore just now. Will continue later.

blah.

This is an honest post and it is not meant to manipulate or hurt anyone's feeling. It is just how I have been feeling lately.

I have always had a group of friends that I care about. Though people have come in and out of my life I have always had people that I knew would always be there for me. I felt that even if I didn't communicate with friends for awhile I knew that they were always there if I needed them. Always walking with me through life even if they were on a different path. I could just call and they would be there. This has always been a security to me. I haven't felt alone because I knew that there were people that care right there. If I called one friend and they didn't answer I knew I could call another and they would be there.

My friendships have always come so easily to me. I mean, these close friends of mine are such a joy to be friends with it hasn't been any work. I mean, sometimes we have hit a rough patch or two but these friendships have overcome those things.

To me it is tedious when you feel like a friendship is forced. I have had friendships where I have struggled to hang on to them because I really care about the person. I call them.But I realize they don't call me. I ask them to do stuff. But I realize that they are never asking me to do anything. I think maybe they are going through a rough time. Then I realize that they are calling people and doing things just not with me. I feel hurt but I let it blow over. I think that things will get better in time. But they don't. I then have to do the thing that I don't like to do. I stop calling. Stop asking them to do stuff and hope that it was just my imagination. I hope and pray that they reach out to me so I then can say that there really is a friendship there. It isn't me just hanging onto something that isn't really there.

All this to say that I sadly have realized that I have to let go of some of the friendships that I have been clutching to. I feel like I might just have to realize that these friendships have moved to a different stage. We won't talk on the phone. We won't hang out. We will kind of feel weird when we see each other because we used to be so close. These people have other people that are filling their social needs. I feel sad because I love them and hurt because I feel replaceable. I don't mean that I will shut them out. Of course I would love to be friends with them. I feel like I just can't force something that the other person or people don't want.

This may sound pathetic and maybe it is. But I feel really lonely for the first time in a long time. I mean lonely for friends besides Mike, though I love him dearly. My sisters are away and I feel like some of my friends really just don't care about me anymore. I hope this is just a phase but sadly, I don't think it is.

Yay for stuff

Here are some things I love so much so much right now...

My house-
I have some curtains up downstairs and some pictures up and it feels really cozy. It feels like home and I feel safe here.

My marriage-
Not to say that we still don't have our arguments but after three years of marriage things are working much better. I feel like I am getting the hang of things. Still, I have MUCH to learn.

My cats-
I always love my cats but I am learning that they are awesome little friends and I don't need a dog to entertain me. My cats are entertaining, smart(they sit for a treat),loyal(the figs always licks my tears away) and independent without being aloof. Plus they are extremely adorable.

My job-
It is two weeks a month plus a few days extra here and there. I am teaching the basics, after all it is an intro class. The school is small and only teaches massage. The other teachers are nice and the students are not going to "cut" anyone. HUGE step up in class, I must say.

Our country-
I am so happy that our country is ready for change and can stand up and say,"yeah, this isn't working for me" and DO something about it!

The holiday-
Always a happy time for me and I am really looking forward to getting people presents this year. I am especially looking forward to getting mike his Ipod touch. It isn't a surprise but he really wants and deserves it.

Welp that is all I am feeling like writing now.

Obituary

This is my grandfather's obituary. Just thought I would post it.


John Williams Jr. of Middletown, formerly of Naples, Fla., and Springfield, Pa., passed away Saturday, Oct. 4, 2008. He was 89.
Mr. Williams was born Aug. 4, 1919, in Philadelphia, son of the late John and Irene (Evens) Williams.
After graduation from Olney High School in Philadelphia, Mr. Williams attended Pennsylvania State College (now University) and received a Bachelor of Science in chemical engineering in 1942. His numerous collegiate honors and activities included Sigma Tau, Tau Beta Pi and Pi Mu Epsilon.
As a communications officer with the United States Navy during World War II, he served on the aircraft carrier USS San Jacinto, the same vessel as President George H. W. Bush.
Mr. Williams was highly successful in the business world. He was an engineer and later co-owner of Pneumatics & Hydraulics, a company in Malvern, Pa.
For many years, he was an active member of St. James Methodist Church in Philadelphia; Covenant Methodist Church in Springfield, where he sang in the choir and headed the Men’s Club; and the United Church of Christ in Naples, an area to which he retired and lived with his wife for more than 30 years.
His community affiliations included the Rotary Club in Springfield and memberships in two golf clubs. In addition to golf, he was an accomplished athlete who excelled in baseball and basketball. In his later life, he became an avid ping pong player.
Next to his loving family, his favorite passion was golf. He belonged to Rolling Green Golf Club in Springfield for many years, during which he won a few championships. He played at the Vineyard Country Club and Quail Run Golf Club in Naples. He was happy with two holes in one.
Mr. Williams was a gifted musician. He played the piano by ear, deftly working out melodies without the use of written music, and he strummed the ukulele with ease.
He was highly intelligent, engaging, outgoing and known for his optimistic, positive approach to life. If someone asked how he was feeling, his quick reply would be “Terrific!” Never one to take himself too seriously, he sometimes referred to himself whimsically as “Big Bad John.”
Equally comfortable in both individual conversations and large groups, his genuine love of people showed in his generosity to charitable causes and support of the arts. Attending plays and the Naples Philharmonic were especially pleasurable pastimes.
The hallmarks of his life included those of a multi-talented man with wide-ranging interests, and above all, an abiding love for family and friends.
In addition to his parents, he was preceded in death by a brother, Winfield; a sister-in-law, Louise W. Felton; and two brothers-in-law, Maurice P. Felton and William M. Felton.
He is survived by his devoted wife of 62 years, Mable Elizabeth “Bette” (Felton) Williams, whom he married June 1, 1946; a daughter and a son-in-law, Joan F. W. and Robert A. DiNatale of Middletown; a son, John Douglas Williams and his partner, George Hizny, of Fort Lauderdale, Fla.; three granddaughters and three grandsons-in-law, Darby Elizabeth and Jason Latshaw, Meredith Lee and Michael Morris, and Lindsay Felton and Collin Palkovitz; two great-grandchildren, Lyric Elizabeth Latshaw and Oliver Seth Latshaw; and two sisters-in-law, Myrtle Felton and Rose Williams.
Mr. Williams’ family extends a warm thank you to Dr. Beth Renzulli and her ever-loyal aide, Erika Cruz and to Kelly McKay of Delaware Hospice.
Services are private.
Memorial contributions may be sent to Delaware Hospice Inc., 911 S. DuPont Highway, Dover, DE 19901.
Arrangements by Daniels & Hutchison Funeral Home LLC, Middletown.

Last night I started sobbing because I remembered that Poppop died. It was like a person with Alzheimer's. I literally didn't remember and then I was hiding under my sheets looking at them and I realized that they used to be Mommom and Poppop's and I was like,"Oh I feel like I haven't seen Poppop in forever I should...Oh he is dead."Sob Sob Sob. I started talking and I told God to give him the message if he(PP) couldn't hear me and then I heard really loudly in my head,"I LOVE YOU MURRY". It was his voice and I know it was him.Even now I am crying....cause he was so wonderful and such a special special person.

Yeah, I know I wrote Murry. That is how my mom's side of the family says my name. Why does it hurt so much inside. He had such a long and great life. I want him here. I miss him so much.

Election day

Welp, I voted. It was a piece a cake. Well it was a little difficult finding the place. It looked like a liquor store from the street. Waaaaaait....maybe it was. No WONDER there was no line. Anyway, I did push some buttons so hopefully it works out. I feel a little nervous in my stomach. I really want my candidate to win. I REALLY do. I truly believe that it would be best for the country. Sorry this is lame, I am distracted by the news.

I am feeling bad today so I guess I will just write and hope that I feel better when I am done.I am not going to worry about paragraphs or grammer.Here it goes. I feel sad today. I got my period which is a good thing except for the fact that it means that I am not pregnant...yet again. Mike and I have been officially trying for over a year. I have been trying(and maybe God is punishing me) for the past three years. Mike and I have already resolved the fact that I was trying to have a baby when he wasn't onboard. True to Mike's style he forgave me right away and told me that he kind of knew. Anyway, I am 31...closer to 32 and I want a baby really badly. I didn't always want a baby in fact, I thought that it would be better for a child if they didn't inherit my family's, um, ahem, issues. I also thought that perhaps I was responsible enough, or healthy enough, or unselfish enough. But you know, after years of seeing complete idiots having children I am fairly certain that I would be a great mom. I think Mike would be a great dad. We have a cozy home and I know that we would give a child so much love. I really knew that I would have trouble concieving and that isx why I starting trying so early. I thought it was ridiculous to use birth control when I knew I wasn't getting pregnant. I also struggle with feeling like I don't deserve to concieve easily. I feel like I have waited for everything I have wanted. I feel like my life has always been a huge struggle. Why not now? I also feel like I brought it on myself because of being overweight. Arg. That is all I feel like writing now. I need help. Mike and I are going to a fertility doctor in a few weeks. I just hope there is some help.

Feeling better

You know, I have this habit of feeling like the world is ending whenever I am having a hard time. It is easy for me to slip into a dark place and to think that life will never be good again. Why do I do this? Oh well, it doesn't matter. I am feeling better now. I think I am feeling better because it is the fall.

The fall is extremely wonderful to me. I always have good memories of walks at Winterthur through the paths lined with trees. Looking all around me there was nothing but vibrant red,orange, and yellow and I would breathe in the smell of well, change. Our house would always smell like the fireplace which was burning constantly as the weather got cooler and it seemed like there was always football on the t.v.

Some night we would have bonfires outside and eat S'mores and talk. We actually did that last weekend and it was fun.


Now falls has new fun memories and things to look forward to. Mike and my anniversary was yesterday but we are celebrating today by going to the Poconos for the night. I am excited. I can't believe we have been married for three years. Mike is a wonderful husband and I feel so blessed to be his wife.

Sad

Some of you know that my grandfather died on Saturday morning. It was crazy because he has rallied so many times that we all kind of thought he would rally again.

Mike and I stayed at my parents house this weekend and Darby was home because we both were in Laura's wedding. My uncles are up from Florida and Linds and Col were home too.That is amazing. We were all here. It was God.

My mom called my dad on Saturday but he was in the shower so I answered the phone. My mom told me that I might want to visit Poppop cause he wasn't doing well. She didn't want to tell me how bad he was because of the wedding but I felt an urgency and went down there. When I pulled in my mom yelled down that if I ran I might be able to make it before he died. WHAT???!!! So I ran up the three flights of stairs and saw my grandmother sitting next to Poppop talking to him. I went in and gave him a kiss and told him I loved him. Then we sat down with him. My grandmother was still talking to him. Telling him all the people he would see in heaven. She said that he had fought so hard but it was ok to go. She said she loved every inch of him. Then she kissed him again. His breathing got slower and slower and then it stopped. It was a very surreal moment. Just my mom, my grandmother and me, sitting there crying while my grandfather breathed his last breath.

I called my sisters and broke the news. Mike and my dad came in and then Linds and Col and my uncle.

The saddest part was when they took his body away. My grandmother was just saying,"no no they are taking him, my John, they can't take him, not my John," that was heart wrenching. They had been married for 62 years and were always together. My grandmother was completely dependent on him. I cannot imagine losing Mike. It has only been three years of married and we are so entwined. I cannot imagine 62 years.

Anyway, I feel like I should write more about my grandfather's life and I will. But not now.

I love you Poppop. There is now a huge hole in the family but we know we will see you again someday.

October

I have started a new post several times about how much I love this month. I think it will be a good post. My mind however, is preoccupied with bridesmaid things for Laura's wedding on Saturday. So far, my undergarment that I ordered was allegedly delivered and taken off my front porch. My dress was supposed to be done Wed and it isn't yet. Darby and I are singing a song she wrote and I have yet to hear it. The wedding is tomorrow. The rehearsal is tonight. Zoinks. I am a tad stressed. Still, this stress is way better than the bad kind of, mean woman at work, hate your job, kind of stress.

I will write my October post later.

free at last

Yesterday I left my job. 2 days early. I walked out. I should feel guilty but I actually feel fantastic. On Wednesday my friend from work went in and told the director all about this mean person and how she was treating me. I went in later and explained that she was the reason I was leaving. Yesterday the mean person was furious. I could feel her rage when she walked in the room. She started being especially mean and when I went to say something to her she walked out and slammed the door. So I got up, said goodbye to my friend and left. It felt great. I then went to an interview and got another teaching job.

FALL!!!

Yesterday my mother, my sister, and I went fruit picking at Lindvilla Orchards in Media. We used to go to this place all the time when we were little. It is a little different because the original building burned down and was replaced with a smaller building but it actually still smells the same. It is a mixture of apple pie baking and fall. I can't explain it. You would just have to smell it to understand.

We took a hayride to the actual orchard and picked our apples and peaches. We had some nice conversation and female bonding. The sky was clear and deep blue. The air was crisp and fresh. I couldn't help feeling peaceful and happy.


Last night I made an apple pie. It was pretty tasty.

Dentist

I went to the Dentist today. I haven't been to a dentist in about 6 years and was kind of scared that he was going to say that my mouth was full of cavities. I have never had a cavity and the thought of having one makes me feel really sad.

Turns out I still don't have any cavities. It is great but it is also really strange. No one else that I know has never had a cavity. I don't even take exceptional care of my teeth. I only brush once a day usually, floss occasionally and there are some days when I forget to do both.

Oh well, awesome for me!

Yay.

So far I have lost 16lbs since I started weight watchers. I am proud of myself though I do have a lot more to lose. I just have to see every pound as a huge victory and have rewards for myself at different milestones.

Yesterday we went to the Eagles game and had really great seats. It was hot as all get out. I kept looking at the cheerleaders because we were close enough to see their faces. They weren't all that beautiful but they all had very tiny bodies. I was a little jealous.

I am tired and anxious about work. I don't feel like writing more now because I am writing in short sentences like a second grader reading an essay on their summer vacation. I apologize.

Learning

I often wonder if God puts me in situations that I can't handle myself just so that I will remember that he exists. DUH. Like this situation with work. I have tried everything in my power to make the situation better and it just keeps getting worse. Being that there are spies everywhere (if you think I am being paranoid just shoot me an email and I will explain) I won't go into too much detail here but let's just say that there is a spiritual battle at work. Both the other christian that I work with and I are quite aware of that.

I guess the the thing that I most have to realize in this situation is that I dwell in the shelter of the most high God. I am not alone. I am not an orphan. I have prayed and had others pray and now I just need to be at peace with the fact that God will handle things in His way and in His time. That is so hard for me to do. I want the pain to go away now. I know that His grace is sufficient for each situation and I am asking for that grace to cover me. I pray specifically that the truth will set me free.

I was speaking to a friend of mine yesterday who was directly involved in my newest conflict(with the same person) at work though my friend doesn't even work at the same place, and she is praying specifically that obstacles will be removed for God's will to be done. Now, knowing that God wants good things for his children I have to believe that he doesn't want me to be working in such a hostile environment especially when I have done everything in my power to resolve things. Therefore, I believe that he will either help me to find another job or this specific person who is cause so much turmoil will be removed someway. The latter seems impossible so therefore I am thinking that God will have another job for me. It is sad though because I really love teaching my students.

Oh well. Please pray for me...whatever you are led to pray.

boring

I feel like my posts are so gloomy these days. I guess I am just going through one of those valleys in my life where it seems like one thing after another is going wrong. Things were going really well for awhile so, I know things will get better again eventually. Sometimes I just feel so badly. I just feel so sad and hopeless and then I feel guilt on top of that because I have no reason to feel bad. Mike will come in to the bedroom to see how I am doing and I will just be staring. He lays down next to me and my bottom lip turns down into the uncontrollable and severe frown that I get when I am really sad and trying not to cry. He always knows that when the frowny face comes tears are going to follow soon. He always says, "oh no baby, why the frowny face" in his most caring voice. That makes me cry even harder cause He wants me to be happy. I truly believe that that is one of Mike's greatest wishes. It makes me feel so sad for him because he married a girl with major depressive disorder. I hate being depressed. I hate being overweight and depressed even more. I only go to the doctor about once a year not because I am not sick often but because 9 times out of 10 the doctor chalks my symptoms up to being depressed and/or it is because I am overweight. Really? I AM? I am depressed and overweight? I hadn't noticed. Thanks a heap doc. You are so SO smart. I got blood work done and my white blood cells are elevated...so there. Whatever that means.

Mike's dad just found out that he has a baseball sized tumor on his kidney and because 95% of the time it is cancerous( are they even going to check) they are taking his whole kidney out.



I don't feel like saying anything else just now.

GRRRRR!

People Suck! Sorry. Maybe not everyone but certainly a lot of PEOPLE SUCK. As a christian I know that I should love people. I really don't though. I kind of wish I did but not really. I have met a lot of people and it is my belief that maybe 10% of the world's population are horrible people. Yes this is judgmental and unkind but I do not care. The end.

Back on the horse

The bad news is that I am still fat and Laura's wedding in less than two months away. I am going to knock off a couple of lbs by then. The good news is that I lost 11lbs since the last time I started weight watchers and have decided to start again. I have thought many times about erasing this blog but I didn't and I am glad I didn't because this is my weight loss journey and I knew it would be hard. So here I am starting again. If you still read this, please let me know....and pray.