When I was younger I used to take this stuff to help me sleep and it worked really well. I recently started taking it again in order to sleep better and I have found that I have been having horrible dreams. Nightmares, I would say.
I have had a dreamed that Mike slept with someone else.
I dreamed that I was in Naples, Florida where my grandparents used to live but a lot of the gulf of mexico had dried up.It was creepy and horrible looking.
I dreamed that I was kidnapped by the father of a friend from childhood because he was obsessed with me.
The strange thing about the Florida one was that I used to have this nightmare again and again that I was standing on the balcony and the water was really rough and had huge waves. The water just kept rising until it was right up to the bottom of the balcony which meant that everything under the 7th floor of the building was covered in the water.The balcony was crumbling underneath me and I could see huge whales swimming really close to me. It was terrifying.
I also have this dream that I am in my parents neighborhood but mansions have been built up all around it. The a war breaks out and it turns out to be the 3rd world war.
I think I will stop taking the Melatonin.
May 7, 2009
May 2, 2009
Fussy
Mike has always called me fussy. He has also made up nicknames that are variations of the word fuss. The most commonly used one is Fussa. Today I am completely fussy. My body aches and everything is annoying me. I feel discontent and am going through my wanting a dog phase.What is my problem? Anyway, I am not allowed to have a dog. I just want to know what this sickness is that keeps thinking,"this time I can do it". Like I said, I can't have a dog so the point is moot but it still bothers me.
I am fussy cause I don't want to feel like I am always discontent. I want to choose to be happy but right now it is hard. I want to eat but I want to be thin. I want to stay home all the time but I also get bored and want to work. We also need the money. I want a baby but I cannot have one. I love my garden but I am impatient for the flowers to bloom. I love who Mike is but I want him to be perfect. I love being in Godspell but I am also annoyed by it.
I hate this post but I am gong to puplish it anyway.
I am fussy cause I don't want to feel like I am always discontent. I want to choose to be happy but right now it is hard. I want to eat but I want to be thin. I want to stay home all the time but I also get bored and want to work. We also need the money. I want a baby but I cannot have one. I love my garden but I am impatient for the flowers to bloom. I love who Mike is but I want him to be perfect. I love being in Godspell but I am also annoyed by it.
I hate this post but I am gong to puplish it anyway.
Apr 26, 2009
Random thoughts
I didn't sleep well last night because I could get to a comfortable temperature and now I have a headache that feels like a hangover headache. Yucky.
Yesterday morning I laid down on my front porch and read. I was at eye level with my flowers and if I didn't lift my head and ignored the traffic sounds it was almost like being in the country. Almost.
I decided yesterday that today would be the day I stopped eating sugar. It was going really well until I woke up. I forgot and put sugar in my coffee. So, maybe I will just say today is the day I start cutting back my sugar intake.
Some of you may have seen my cats do their trick but for those of you who have not experienced the wonder of the Amazing Figs and Fiona Show in which they both, that's right BOTH defy nature and gravity by (drum roll please).......SITTING FOR A TREAT...where was I going with this, ah yes, they have both officially stopped learning. The Figs plants his butt before I get a chance to say sit and won't budge. Fiona jumps up and then sits when I tell her. When I try to teach her something else she will just sit as if to say,"There. Now give me the damn treat". Oh well.
Yesterday morning I laid down on my front porch and read. I was at eye level with my flowers and if I didn't lift my head and ignored the traffic sounds it was almost like being in the country. Almost.
I decided yesterday that today would be the day I stopped eating sugar. It was going really well until I woke up. I forgot and put sugar in my coffee. So, maybe I will just say today is the day I start cutting back my sugar intake.
Some of you may have seen my cats do their trick but for those of you who have not experienced the wonder of the Amazing Figs and Fiona Show in which they both, that's right BOTH defy nature and gravity by (drum roll please).......SITTING FOR A TREAT...where was I going with this, ah yes, they have both officially stopped learning. The Figs plants his butt before I get a chance to say sit and won't budge. Fiona jumps up and then sits when I tell her. When I try to teach her something else she will just sit as if to say,"There. Now give me the damn treat". Oh well.
Apr 14, 2009
Apr 13, 2009
She looks so happy in pictures. the little girl with the messy brown hair. Her mom tried to make it look pretty but it can't be tamed. In fact, people have been trying to tame certain aspects of her personality and her looks for years to no avail. She is incorrigible.
She has a twinkle in her eye like she's playing a game. A strange little smile. She knows something she isn't telling you. She finds something funny but she isn't letting you in on the joke. She is mischievous.
They say she is a trouble maker. She has no self control. She talks all the time and won't do her work. She is a disruption to the class. She is messy.She is disorganized. She doesn't turn her homework in. Her handwriting is sloppy. She is a smart child but she doesn't do what she is supposed to. She is bad.
Her parents are always yelling at her. She tries to do what is right but it isn't easy. She wants to make them proud of her. She wants to be good.Her sisters are good. She is disappointing.
She lies a lot. She lies to get attention. She lies to get out of trouble. She lies to make herself feel better. She is a liar.
She gets older and develops physically before all the other girls.Boys do bad things to her. They say things and touch her in ways that make her feel sick. She hates it but she likes the attention.She makes jokes so she doesn't cry. She makes them laugh too so they don't laugh at her.
People call her ugly. She doesn't understand why. They say she is fat. She doesn't know why her body is different from every one else's. She doesn't look like her sisters. They are skinny. People tell her that she should look like them. They say that her sisters are beautiful. They are beautiful.
They say that she is not beautiful. They say that she is not beautiful. They say that she is not. She is not beautiful.
She has a twinkle in her eye like she's playing a game. A strange little smile. She knows something she isn't telling you. She finds something funny but she isn't letting you in on the joke. She is mischievous.
They say she is a trouble maker. She has no self control. She talks all the time and won't do her work. She is a disruption to the class. She is messy.She is disorganized. She doesn't turn her homework in. Her handwriting is sloppy. She is a smart child but she doesn't do what she is supposed to. She is bad.
Her parents are always yelling at her. She tries to do what is right but it isn't easy. She wants to make them proud of her. She wants to be good.Her sisters are good. She is disappointing.
She lies a lot. She lies to get attention. She lies to get out of trouble. She lies to make herself feel better. She is a liar.
She gets older and develops physically before all the other girls.Boys do bad things to her. They say things and touch her in ways that make her feel sick. She hates it but she likes the attention.She makes jokes so she doesn't cry. She makes them laugh too so they don't laugh at her.
People call her ugly. She doesn't understand why. They say she is fat. She doesn't know why her body is different from every one else's. She doesn't look like her sisters. They are skinny. People tell her that she should look like them. They say that her sisters are beautiful. They are beautiful.
They say that she is not beautiful. They say that she is not beautiful. They say that she is not. She is not beautiful.
Apr 12, 2009
Really?
So when I was younger I was constantly being compared to Darby. She was this legendary girl who was so beautiful and popular that people all around Delaware knew who she was. Every state we went to and every new situation it was always the same thing, Darby was this amazing creature that guys would just fall for. So when I was getting ready to go to Wilmington Christian mid 7th grade my best friend Missy told me that boys were already interested in me before I even got there based solely on the fact that I was Darby's sister.
Sadly, I disappointed a lot of people. Seriously, I did. I would be introduced and then someone would inevitable ask me what my last name was. As soon as I said Di Natale, I saw their eyes bug out. "You are Darby's sister???!!!" They would gawked incredulously. "She's beautiful. You don't look ANYTHING like her".
You think I am exaggerating but I am not. Once some guy even said,"You're sisters? But she is pretty and you are ugly". This cut me so deeply. After Darby graduated I thought I might get some relief until Lindsay started WCS and everyone called her "little Darby"."Oh my gosh, you look SO much like Darby". Grrreat.
So, I have never gotten over that pain but I guess I kind of buried it. It has always come up at odd times. I don't feel beautiful and I never really have. I don't believe Mike finds me beautiful.
Anyway, today Mike and I went to EP with Mike's parents for Easter. It is the church Mike grew up in and there was a guy that went to High school with us. Mike introduced me as his wife, Merry. I remembered this guy because he used to "go out" with my sisters best friend. I car- pulled with her and therefore saw this kid a lot. He had no idea who I was and I didn't bring up the whole scenario from high school. Mike said I went to Wilmington Christian and I made the HORRIBLE mistake, naively thinking that it was safe to say, you might have know my sister, Darby. This guy proceeds to smirk and make this weird face and say," Wow, you look REALLY different from Darby". He literally made a face like, "Who hit you with the ugly stick". I felt like I was going to cry. I am 32 years old and I felt like that ugly little girl standing next to her beautiful sister again. I talked to Mike about it and he confirmed the fact that it was really sad because that guy really did say it the way I interpreted it and he did make a weird face.
Anyway, I just thought I would share that 2 years of counseling have now been flushed down the toilet, I will probably develop bulimia again, and plunge into self hatred all because of this walking anus's mean comment and facial expression.I feel so completely fat and ugly. I just want to never leave the house again. Happy fucking Easter to me.
Sadly, I disappointed a lot of people. Seriously, I did. I would be introduced and then someone would inevitable ask me what my last name was. As soon as I said Di Natale, I saw their eyes bug out. "You are Darby's sister???!!!" They would gawked incredulously. "She's beautiful. You don't look ANYTHING like her".
You think I am exaggerating but I am not. Once some guy even said,"You're sisters? But she is pretty and you are ugly". This cut me so deeply. After Darby graduated I thought I might get some relief until Lindsay started WCS and everyone called her "little Darby"."Oh my gosh, you look SO much like Darby". Grrreat.
So, I have never gotten over that pain but I guess I kind of buried it. It has always come up at odd times. I don't feel beautiful and I never really have. I don't believe Mike finds me beautiful.
Anyway, today Mike and I went to EP with Mike's parents for Easter. It is the church Mike grew up in and there was a guy that went to High school with us. Mike introduced me as his wife, Merry. I remembered this guy because he used to "go out" with my sisters best friend. I car- pulled with her and therefore saw this kid a lot. He had no idea who I was and I didn't bring up the whole scenario from high school. Mike said I went to Wilmington Christian and I made the HORRIBLE mistake, naively thinking that it was safe to say, you might have know my sister, Darby. This guy proceeds to smirk and make this weird face and say," Wow, you look REALLY different from Darby". He literally made a face like, "Who hit you with the ugly stick". I felt like I was going to cry. I am 32 years old and I felt like that ugly little girl standing next to her beautiful sister again. I talked to Mike about it and he confirmed the fact that it was really sad because that guy really did say it the way I interpreted it and he did make a weird face.
Anyway, I just thought I would share that 2 years of counseling have now been flushed down the toilet, I will probably develop bulimia again, and plunge into self hatred all because of this walking anus's mean comment and facial expression.I feel so completely fat and ugly. I just want to never leave the house again. Happy fucking Easter to me.
Apr 10, 2009
My sensitive palate
You know, I am a really picky eater. You might not think so to see me because well, I am overweight and it looks like I love food. I do love some food but on the whole I find, even more so now than when I was younger, that there isn't too much that I find delicious. There aren't too many foods that I think are a taste sensation(one of my favorite things to declare something). More often than not these days I find myself saying,"This is NOT a taste sensation".
For instance, I used to love Chinese food. Or at least I thought I did. Tonight I realized that I like aspects of Chinese food. I like crispy noodles. I like egg rolls. I like duck sauce. I like a few bites of general Tso's or Sesame chicken but then I get sick of it. I tasted the Wanton soup that Mike said was tasty. I wrinkled my nose mid bite and said,"Not tasty". I ate some of my pan fried noodles with chicken. It was tolerable but I primarily enjoyed the soy sauce I put on top of it. I didn't eat much and Mike can have my left overs.
We get pizza one a week usually. That is because I am married to a bonafide pizza LOVER. I was going to say pizzaholic but I HATE when people add -aholic to stuff. It makes no sense. It would be pizzaic or chocolateic or shopic. Anyway, Mike can eat pizza everyday. That is not an exaggeration. When we were dating I believe he ate some form of pizza everyday. He thinks it is delicious. Sometimes I think pizza is delicious but it has to be perfect. I like pizza, don't get me wrong, but it takes a lot for me to really love a piece of pizza. I think odd things are delicious. I think they are odd. Saltine crackers with butter. I place the butter on the salted side and place that side on my tongue. I let the butter melt a little and then smell the cracker. Smelling the wet saltine makes it more delicious. I think that is DELICIOUS. I could eat that everyday. Cinnamon Toast crunch in ice cold milk. DELICIOUS. Actually, I like a lot of cereal in milk.
Anyway, that was on my mind.
For instance, I used to love Chinese food. Or at least I thought I did. Tonight I realized that I like aspects of Chinese food. I like crispy noodles. I like egg rolls. I like duck sauce. I like a few bites of general Tso's or Sesame chicken but then I get sick of it. I tasted the Wanton soup that Mike said was tasty. I wrinkled my nose mid bite and said,"Not tasty". I ate some of my pan fried noodles with chicken. It was tolerable but I primarily enjoyed the soy sauce I put on top of it. I didn't eat much and Mike can have my left overs.
We get pizza one a week usually. That is because I am married to a bonafide pizza LOVER. I was going to say pizzaholic but I HATE when people add -aholic to stuff. It makes no sense. It would be pizzaic or chocolateic or shopic. Anyway, Mike can eat pizza everyday. That is not an exaggeration. When we were dating I believe he ate some form of pizza everyday. He thinks it is delicious. Sometimes I think pizza is delicious but it has to be perfect. I like pizza, don't get me wrong, but it takes a lot for me to really love a piece of pizza. I think odd things are delicious. I think they are odd. Saltine crackers with butter. I place the butter on the salted side and place that side on my tongue. I let the butter melt a little and then smell the cracker. Smelling the wet saltine makes it more delicious. I think that is DELICIOUS. I could eat that everyday. Cinnamon Toast crunch in ice cold milk. DELICIOUS. Actually, I like a lot of cereal in milk.
Anyway, that was on my mind.
Mar 30, 2009
Things on my mind
1. Sickness: I just went in to the computer room last night to specifically point out to Mike that neither he nor I got sick with a cold or flu this winter. I thought that that was amazing because it is the first time in a while that that has happened. However, now I seem to be getting a cold. I wonder why that is. Is it because I was prideful? Maybe it was a psychic thought. I knew I was getting a cold subconsciously and spoke about it. It is weird. It is unhappy that I am getting sick. I have a sore throat.I HATE sore throats. I used to get them all of the time when I was younger. I had strep a lot. I had horrible Tonsillitis. OK, have you ever had white lumps in your tonsils? It looks like white chunks of stuff. Well, if you have had them( if not you are probably totally grossed out right now) they are tonsil stones. Like, kidney or gall stones. They form in the cavities that disease has caused in your tonsils. Well, I used to pop those suckers out by placing a Q tip on my tonsil and gently pressing. 5 or six would come out and they were stinky. I apparently grew up in a time when the medical community was putting the kibosh on tonsillectomies. After years of agony, at age 26, i finally got my tonsils out. When I came to after the surgery the Doctor pronounced my tonsils the worse he had ever seen. He said they were so full of cavities from disease that there was hardly anything to take out. All of this to say that I never get sore throats anymore unless I am getting a cold. DRAT!
2. My clean house. We had some friends over the other night and we did our usual big clean. I have to admit that the place was messier than usual. It took a couple of hours but it looks great. It smells clean too. I like that. It makes me feel like a responsible adult. I mean, I look around my living/dining/TV room and I love my house. Sure it is small but there are only two of us. Which leads me to my next point.
3. Well, I did get one of the two wishes for last year. I did get said house I love but not Baby Mirris. I mean, Morris. I didn't get Baby Mirris or Morris. I didn't get any baby. Strangely I feel like we didn't try very hard. I think it is cause we...didn't try very hard. We started with a bang by going to the Fert. Doc and I had that surgery but the doctor said that I should come back after I have lost some weight. That was discouraging but I know she is right. I know I need to get healthier before I try to have a baby. I personally feel that we will have a child. I have had two family members on different occasions say that well, Darby said that she had a dream that Mike and I were pushing a stroller on the boardwalk and inside was an adorable child with big eyes and light brown curly hair. Sounds like our style. She has really prophetic dreams. My mother said that she had this feeling that we were going to have a curly haired child. I feel like it is going to happen. All in good time.
4. My E button. It sticks on this computer and quite often I type a long paragraph only to realize that most of my words are missing the {e}s. So, if you ever notice that my words are missing the letter e you know why. That is all I feel like typing. I just took NyQuil and am feeling wonderfully drowsy.
2. My clean house. We had some friends over the other night and we did our usual big clean. I have to admit that the place was messier than usual. It took a couple of hours but it looks great. It smells clean too. I like that. It makes me feel like a responsible adult. I mean, I look around my living/dining/TV room and I love my house. Sure it is small but there are only two of us. Which leads me to my next point.
3. Well, I did get one of the two wishes for last year. I did get said house I love but not Baby Mirris. I mean, Morris. I didn't get Baby Mirris or Morris. I didn't get any baby. Strangely I feel like we didn't try very hard. I think it is cause we...didn't try very hard. We started with a bang by going to the Fert. Doc and I had that surgery but the doctor said that I should come back after I have lost some weight. That was discouraging but I know she is right. I know I need to get healthier before I try to have a baby. I personally feel that we will have a child. I have had two family members on different occasions say that well, Darby said that she had a dream that Mike and I were pushing a stroller on the boardwalk and inside was an adorable child with big eyes and light brown curly hair. Sounds like our style. She has really prophetic dreams. My mother said that she had this feeling that we were going to have a curly haired child. I feel like it is going to happen. All in good time.
4. My E button. It sticks on this computer and quite often I type a long paragraph only to realize that most of my words are missing the {e}s. So, if you ever notice that my words are missing the letter e you know why. That is all I feel like typing. I just took NyQuil and am feeling wonderfully drowsy.
Mar 18, 2009
Apple blossoms are so beautiful. They are one of my favorite flowers even though they are on a tree. When I was younger and living in New Castle, DE we had an apple tree, a peach tree, and a maple tree in our back yard. The apple tree blossoms had this amazing smell and the little pink and white petals were so delicate and fairytale-ish. Of course, the tree would then bear apples that would fall to the ground and rot. We would slip on the rotten apples and they would squish through our bare feet. Also, they would attract a ton of bees so I got stung a lot but the blossoms were beautiful.
Mar 13, 2009
hmm?
I read on Phillyblog, A place I like to frequent for info about my area, that New Jersey is trying to get marijuana legalized for medical use. What do you think? I seriously want to know. On this particular blog there was a poster who said that he knew people that are just waiting for it to be legal so that they can be high all the time. He used that as a reason to not legalize it. I thought that was kind of odd.
Here is the thing. Marijuana has an analgesic effect and it does alter your state of mind sort of like alcohol and or percoset or any other strong pain killer out there. I have found that if used in a "responsible way" ( let's face it using something illegal is never responsible) which means not too much, there are no negative side effects. If a person drives under the influence, it would be the same thing as driving under the influence of alcohol. If someone has it without a prescription, it would be the same as someone having any other drug without a prescription. I just don't understand why people think that it would be a bad thing for medical use. Can someone explain it?
Mar 12, 2009
grrr
Ok, so here is one of my pet peeves. Please don't be offended if you do this. You probably have a perfectly good reason and maybe if I walked in your shoes I would have a different idea about this but...I really hate when Christians say something to the effect of."Jesus, come back soon".As if this life is just so horrible they are begging Jesus to end it all.
I know there is a lot of pain in this world. I know there is a lot of death and I want to see those that passed away again . However, this is a good life. Heck, this is a wonderful life. I didn't always think so but, jeez. I just feel that it makes Christians sound a little nuts to be talking about the rapture or the end of times. I don't want Jesus to come back soon. Sorry, but I don't. There is a lot more that I want to accomplish before I go to heaven.
I know that sounds mean. Sorry.
I know there is a lot of pain in this world. I know there is a lot of death and I want to see those that passed away again . However, this is a good life. Heck, this is a wonderful life. I didn't always think so but, jeez. I just feel that it makes Christians sound a little nuts to be talking about the rapture or the end of times. I don't want Jesus to come back soon. Sorry, but I don't. There is a lot more that I want to accomplish before I go to heaven.
I know that sounds mean. Sorry.
Mar 11, 2009
a little thing
Your eyes are the best kind of blue. They remind me of the ocean in Bermuda. Peaceful and warm, deep and inviting.
When I am with you I feel safe. I feel like if I could just stay snuggled in your big arms nothing in the world could ever go wrong again.
Your voice is like a song. When I am not with you in the house, I strain to hear your little songs that you are always singing about me. I then know where you are and that you are happy.
You make me laugh. Even when I am mad or fussy you always know how to cheer me up. I can't stay mad at you for very long.
When you aren't with me, I feel sad and like a part of me is missing. I go through the day counting the minutes until you come through the door.
When I am with you I feel safe. I feel like if I could just stay snuggled in your big arms nothing in the world could ever go wrong again.
Your voice is like a song. When I am not with you in the house, I strain to hear your little songs that you are always singing about me. I then know where you are and that you are happy.
You make me laugh. Even when I am mad or fussy you always know how to cheer me up. I can't stay mad at you for very long.
When you aren't with me, I feel sad and like a part of me is missing. I go through the day counting the minutes until you come through the door.
Mar 5, 2009
Moving right along
So this is the list that I wrote a couple years ago. It is fun to see what I have accomplished.
A small list of things I want to do before I die in no particular order of importance. I reserve the right to add or remove items at will.
A small list of things I want to do before I die in no particular order of importance. I reserve the right to add or remove items at will.
Trip about Europe
Write a book
Fall entirely in love with someone who loves me back **
Meet Bono
Take a stunning picture**
Be debt free**
Write an incredibly moving song**
Get married to my soul mate**
Have a well-kept garden**
Get off antidepressants
Own a house that I love **
Rescue a puppy from the pound*
Have a star named after me*
Have really amazing sex**
Get a better tattoo **
Adopt a lost cause*
Save someone’s life**
Become a Vegetarian for more than 6 months
Get high one more time*
Let a spider crawl on my hand*
Have a child or two
Have a really amazing body
Finish therapy**
* No longer a goal of mine
**Goal completed
A small list of things I want to do before I die in no particular order of importance. I reserve the right to add or remove items at will.
A small list of things I want to do before I die in no particular order of importance. I reserve the right to add or remove items at will.
Trip about Europe
Write a book
Fall entirely in love with someone who loves me back **
Meet Bono
Take a stunning picture**
Be debt free**
Write an incredibly moving song**
Get married to my soul mate**
Have a well-kept garden**
Get off antidepressants
Own a house that I love **
Rescue a puppy from the pound*
Have a star named after me*
Have really amazing sex**
Get a better tattoo **
Adopt a lost cause*
Save someone’s life**
Become a Vegetarian for more than 6 months
Get high one more time*
Let a spider crawl on my hand*
Have a child or two
Have a really amazing body
Finish therapy**
* No longer a goal of mine
**Goal completed
Blah
So Mike is going away from tomorrow until Tuesday. I hate when he is away and I will have a lot of time on my hands cause I am only working on Monday. I will be staying with my lovely friend, Laura this weekend. That makes me feel better.
Can I just say, and I know I am not alone in this, but sleeping is one of my favorite things ever. Just the thought of going to bed makes me happy and then the thought of being able to sleep later than normal can literally change my outlook on life. I can sleep late tomorrow. Life feels good.
I guess it is the little things that keep me going. A nice cup of hot chocolate. A warm blanket while I'm watching some t.v. The kitties purring next to me.the plants the I some how manage to keep green and alive. Reading a good book. I think when life is the simplest I am the happiest.
Can I just say, and I know I am not alone in this, but sleeping is one of my favorite things ever. Just the thought of going to bed makes me happy and then the thought of being able to sleep later than normal can literally change my outlook on life. I can sleep late tomorrow. Life feels good.
I guess it is the little things that keep me going. A nice cup of hot chocolate. A warm blanket while I'm watching some t.v. The kitties purring next to me.the plants the I some how manage to keep green and alive. Reading a good book. I think when life is the simplest I am the happiest.
Feb 28, 2009
New post
So, per request from my adoring fans, I decided to write a new post even though I feel like I don't have a lot to say right now. I think I will write some things that are on my mind right now.
1. I cannot believe it is March 1. It feels like this winter just flew by.There is snow on the ground today but I am a little disappointed that we didn't have at least one big snow. I guess there is still hope. After said big snow I would then like the warm weather to come quickly. When I say warm I mean mild. I want a nice spring. I don't want it to go from freezing cold to boiling hot. I love spring. I adore the trees when they have the little flowers that smells so good. Apple blossoms are my favorite. The one tree that I can see from my kitchen window has buds on it already. This makes me happy.
2.I keep having recurring dreams about being in YWAM. It is never a good thing. I always find myself at a DTS and I never understand why I am redoing my DTS. I realize all of a sudden that I didn't pack anything and I made the decision on a whim without fully thinking it through. Then I realize that I left Mike back at home and I am so worried that our marriage won't survive it. Then I also realize that some of the people I knew from my actual DTS are staff and they are mean to me. It's horrible.
3. My 32nd birthday is March 25. I cannot believe that I am 32. That sounds so old to me. I still feel very much like a child in many ways. I wonder if there will be an age I get to where I feel like an adult.
4. I can't think of anything els to write about right now. Sorry fans.
1. I cannot believe it is March 1. It feels like this winter just flew by.There is snow on the ground today but I am a little disappointed that we didn't have at least one big snow. I guess there is still hope. After said big snow I would then like the warm weather to come quickly. When I say warm I mean mild. I want a nice spring. I don't want it to go from freezing cold to boiling hot. I love spring. I adore the trees when they have the little flowers that smells so good. Apple blossoms are my favorite. The one tree that I can see from my kitchen window has buds on it already. This makes me happy.
2.I keep having recurring dreams about being in YWAM. It is never a good thing. I always find myself at a DTS and I never understand why I am redoing my DTS. I realize all of a sudden that I didn't pack anything and I made the decision on a whim without fully thinking it through. Then I realize that I left Mike back at home and I am so worried that our marriage won't survive it. Then I also realize that some of the people I knew from my actual DTS are staff and they are mean to me. It's horrible.
3. My 32nd birthday is March 25. I cannot believe that I am 32. That sounds so old to me. I still feel very much like a child in many ways. I wonder if there will be an age I get to where I feel like an adult.
4. I can't think of anything els to write about right now. Sorry fans.
Feb 17, 2009
Top ten reasons I love my cats
1. They are unbelievably cute. Especially Figgy Pudding. I don't like to have favorites but he has the cutest face ever.
2. They purr and knead like crazy.Especially when they want something.(Kind of like me)
3. Fiona curls up in the bathroom sink and get's out when I need to wash my hands. She wants to drink from the sink-Mike hates this but I think it is funny.
4.They give licks with their sandpaper tongues
5. They are warm and nap next to me or on top on me
6. They can be left alone for extended periods of time and go to the bathroom in the litter box.(Figgy gives me the silent treatment if I leave him too long)
7. They meow and chirp in little trills. It is like they are singing sometimes.
8. They are always happy to see me.
9. Figgy carries this furry thing around in his mouth and meows at the bedroom door and drops it there as a present every night if I don't hide it.
10. They let me kiss them all over their furry faces even though Mr. The Figs gets his mad face on .
2. They purr and knead like crazy.Especially when they want something.(Kind of like me)
3. Fiona curls up in the bathroom sink and get's out when I need to wash my hands. She wants to drink from the sink-Mike hates this but I think it is funny.
4.They give licks with their sandpaper tongues
5. They are warm and nap next to me or on top on me
6. They can be left alone for extended periods of time and go to the bathroom in the litter box.(Figgy gives me the silent treatment if I leave him too long)
7. They meow and chirp in little trills. It is like they are singing sometimes.
8. They are always happy to see me.
9. Figgy carries this furry thing around in his mouth and meows at the bedroom door and drops it there as a present every night if I don't hide it.
10. They let me kiss them all over their furry faces even though Mr. The Figs gets his mad face on .
Feb 16, 2009
life right now.
I am trying to make my life what I want it to be. I love performing but haven't done it it a looong time.I tried out for Godspell yesterday. Our church is putting it on and I am truly excited to be it. I mean, that is, if I make it. I was told that they would let me know and Jonathan winked when he said it. So, I assume I made it unless Jonathan has a crush on me. He and Drew had only good thing to say about my audition so...I hope I made it.
Anyway, I am exciting about getting healthy. I am excited to see what this year has in store for me.
I am feeling good right now.
Anyway, I am exciting about getting healthy. I am excited to see what this year has in store for me.
I am feeling good right now.
Feb 12, 2009
Not working through
I found Tucker a new home. What is this a sickness? Yeah, it is. I am mentally ill and I know it. I just don't want the responsibility of owning a dog. Even the best dog is too much for me. I have had panic attacks every day. I have sobbed until I can't cry anymore everyday. Mike is allergic. He was willing to work through that. I really hate myself right now. I loathe myself. I just woke up this morning and felt like I didn't want to keep the puppy just for the sake of trying to work through something. I didn't think it was fair to the puppy or to Mike. Mike had to watch me hyperventilate and sob and want to die every night. All over the puppy. I know there are people that actually love having puppies. They get joy from owning a dog. They are happy to see the puppy and get happy feelings when they think about the pup. I am the opposite.
The puppy is going to a place with two other small dogs. Someone is home all day and the people love dogs.
The puppy is going to a place with two other small dogs. Someone is home all day and the people love dogs.
Feb 11, 2009
Working through it.
So, I did what I swore I would never do. I even had people that I told to tell me not to do it if I ever wanted to again. Sigh, I got another puppy. I think I did it because I was really sure that I could overcome my fears and panic attacks and keep it. I thought that if I could just find the right puppy for us that it would be great. I thought if I didn't set myself up for failure by researching the puppy that was right for us and making sure that I wasn't working for awhile and waiting until Mike was not going on a business trip that everything would be great.
So, I did all that. On Saturday Mike and I drove 2.5 hours to a place where they breed and also rescue. We specifically went to look at a little black pomapoo with white on his chest. He was 13 weeks so we were skipping the super tiny puppy stage which tends to freak me out. When we got there we walked into this small building where they were washing some small puppies. They obviously were cooing and snuggling them so that was a good thing. The girls informed us that they had to get the owner to show us the puppies. I looked into some of the crates and saw what I knew was the puppy we came to see. All alone in a crate. The lady named Bonnie came in and gave me a handshake(it was extremely weak, one of my pet peeves) anyway, she let the pup out and he raced around the room. Mike was slightly concerned that he was so energetic since he was mixed with pomeranian and he has known some really hyper ones. I knew that the pup was just excited to be out of the crate.Mike also remarked that some super tiny 5 weeks old puppies were insanely cute(and 600.00) I told him that I liked this one that was now licking my face. He was also a fraction of the price.
The lady groomed him for us and gave us a puppy pack. We bought a harness and a leash and were on our way home.
That night we went to Sarah and Jacob's for dinner. We had fun and then when we got home I started freaking out and crying. Mike assured me that everything was going to be fine and that he was our puppy and that we WERE. NOT. GIVING.HIM.AWAY. That night we put him in hiis crate and he slept through the night. I kept waking up with panic attacks and expecting to hear him crying. He didn't make a peep.
The next day went smoothly. I went to bed really early and slept really well. The next day went smoothly. Yesterday went smoothly. The puppy is very good about going poop and pee outside. He peed once and pooped once inside the first or second day but that was mainly due to me not taking him out in time.
Last night I cried and freaked out again. Mike calmed me down.
This is the thing. God clearly wants me to keep the puppy because he is making this puppy virtually problem free. He sleeps through the night. He goes potty outside.When I need a break I can put him in his crate and spend time alone. He and the cats are ok. He is cute and lovable. I am just working through my issues and it actually feels really good.
So, we are keeping the puppy. His name is Tucker. Yes, the joke has been made about what we call him when he humps my arm...sorry but just being honest.
Anyway, I know that most people don't have these freak outs when it comes to a cute and lovable pup. I am weird but like I said, it is a phobia that I am confronting and it feels awesome to be working through it. As I write this a cute little addition to our family is sleeping next to me. He is very cute. A little stinky but very very cute.
Feb 1, 2009
When a house becomes a home
I am not sure when this happened but I finally feel like I have a home. Our house, though a work in progress, is so cozy and comfy that I just wanted to post some pictures for those who have never been there. Basically it is just the downstairs that I am showing cause we are still in the process of organizing upstairs but here are a few pictures to tide you over. It is tiny but I love it.
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