disgusting

Today I am hopeless. Today I look at myself and cringe. Today I want to stop the pain. I want to go to sleep and not wake up.

Valentine's Day

I will be honest. Valentine's Day was always so annoying to me. I mean, a bunch a pressure to have a special someone and if you don't you a pretty much excluded from the entire holiday. Sure, I gave and received cards when I was a kid. My dad always gave me a present. But pretty much February 14th had been a huge reminder that I was alone and frankly, it hurt. ..until Mike. Now Valentine's day means something to me. Now I love Valentine's day. I love the colors red and pink together. I love lacy hearts and chocolate and flowers. I love romantic gestures and thoughtful gifts. I love Mike and what I am experiencing now that he is in my life.

The rainbow bridge

Please bear with me as I indulge in my pain a while longer and post this cheesy yet incredibly sad poem that makes me cry everytime I read it.


Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....


Author unknown...

Fable

Fable was a cute, little, ball of baby soft gray fluff. He loved Figgy Pudding and he loved to snuggle with him.He copied off of him and tried to do everything he did....it was funny cause he was so small.

I got Fable from a disgusting apartment in New Jersey when I responded to an ad about two rescued half persian half russian blue kittens. I am glad I rescued him from that craphole of a place. When I brought him home he walked right out of the carrier and tried to be friends with the figs. It was the only time I ever heard Figgy hiss. But soon Figs loved the little kitten too.

At first I didn't think Fable's face was that cute. It seemed kind of pointy caused I was used to persian faces.But then I thought it was the cutest face ever. I kissed his little face right before they took him away forever.

I honestly can't believe that I only had him for alittle over 3 months. He seemed to be a part of our family for longer than that. I really miss him and I still cry sometimes...like right now.

Poor widdle kit...I love you and miss you and I know Jesus is holding you for me. I can't wait to snuggle you again.

Widdle Kit

OK, so Fable, AKA, widdle Kit, my five month old kitten...has a fever with no other symptoms except lethargy, which, obviously is probably due to the fever. His fecal sample is negative for parasites, he is on antibiotics, though they aren't helping, and the next step is blood work to rule out viral infections and the serious stuff. He tested negative for feline leukemia. I am scared. I love the little guy and he is so cute. Please pray that he would be healed quickly, and that they would figure out what is wrong with him with too much more cost. I desperately hope it isn't serious like FIP because that is fatal and we will have to put him to sleep. If you know me, you know how much animals in general, but especially mine, mean to me.

For someone

I never thought that I would be here, I never thought that we would be here together...apart. We were so close...closer than best friends, closer than sisters...two parts of one person it seemed at times. We were there for each other at our best and at our absolute worse. We pulled each other up and sometimes dragged each other down. But we laughed...You can make me laugh harder than anyone...and make me cry too...Just as I am crying now.

When we were young we would talk about our troubles. Family trouble , boy trouble...body image trouble. We talked about broken hearts, broken dreams, our broken selves. I hated my life but you could always cheer me up. When we became adults we searched for ourselves . We were depressed, we were alone, but we were together. So many times sitting on the couch having nothing to do so we sang. Driving in the car to the store or on long road trips we would crank up the music and sing our guts out. We thought the stupidest things were funny. You could look at me and I would just start laughing...the good kind of laughing when no noise is coming out and your face gets all red,you can't breathe and you are close to peeing your pants, kind of laughing. I miss that. I miss you.

As time went on we wanted our lives to go somewhere. We wanted to make money. We wanted most of all to find love. We saw everyone around us falling in love and getting married. We wondered what was wrong with us. We always knew that God would have to bring our men to us at the same time. Otherwise the one of us without a man wouldn't be able to cope with the loss. We were right. I guess we never imagined that growing in those relationships would cause our relationship to grow apart.

So here we are at this unfamiliar place. I never could imagine going a day without talking to you and now it has been weeks. I haven't seen you in months. Honestly, I feel like you have died, even though you are actually just across town. I just want you to know that I love you so much. I hope this time will pass and we will be close again but until then please know that you will always be my best friend and I will always...always hold you and all of our years so close to my heart.

Love,
Merry

Thanks

I want to acknowledge and thank all of my wonderful friends who read this blog and post comments. It is so encouraging to know that there are people who care enough about you to read your thoughts and leave comments. PS...Susan, I do read your blog but I am lame and don't write comments...I will from now on.

my sweetest addiction

So, I never wanted to be the kind of girl who collapsed whenever her man was away from her. In fact, I used to get annoyed by those people. All I can say is that it must have been because I wasn't married at the time. Mike has been gone for 3 days on a business trip and I honestly feel like a piece of me is missing. I go to sleep and he isn't there and I cry. I wake up in the middle of the night and he isn't there and I cry. I wake up in the morning and he isn't there and I cry. I smell his t-shirt. I sleep with his blankets. I look at his picture. I can't believe that he is only on a business trip because I feel like I am in mourning. He will be gone a few more days...can I make it? I love him so much. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. I cannot wait until he gets home. I am so addicted to my husband...it is nuts.

Unbelievable

Here is the thing. This is MY blog. These are MY thoughts. My blog is cathartic and I use it to talk my way through things. I share my thoughts with people I know and love and expect my thoughts to not be used against me. I do NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES want someone to come to me and say that something I have said on MY blog should not have been said, because this is MY blog and that is the end of it.

A friend of mine who shall remain nameless wrote something completely benign and unoffensive in one of her blogs. She simply stated her opinion on something and mentioned no names, no details, and nothing that could in anyway be misconstrued as gossip or slander.

*Unfortunately, what she wrote was read by one person who told another person who called her and rebuked her for what she said. Even though this person had never read her blog before and had no idea who or what the post was actually about.

[this paragraph has been removed by the author to protect her friend.]

If this is anyway is used against my friend...so help me GOD! There will be serious consequences.

*this parargraph has been edited by the author to protect her friend

" and the spies came out of the water and you're feeling so good cause you know
that the spies hide out on every corner but they can't touch you, no, cause they're just spies"

Complete and utter despair

My head feels like it is going to explode. My eyes feel like someone has stapled them open and is throwing sand in them. This is usually how I feel when I cry that hard, gasping for breath deep, gutteral sobs shaking your body kind of cry. I feel so hopeless, so much like a complete worthless loser who is nothing but a drain on her friends and family. I honestly believe that financial stress is one of the worst kinds of stress. Obviously the death or illness of a loved one and marital discourse is worse, but being poor is extremely detrimental to your health. Without going into the whole story, I was delt a particularly hard blow to my confidence in myself and my abilities today and I don't know if the job I have been working so hard to get is going to work out. I mean, I went to school for 900 hours to learn massage one way and these people are telling me to do it a different way and are expecting me to relearn everything in what has been about three hours of training time. I am so frustrated. I am so tired of not being able to help Mike out financially. I am so tired of feeling guilty. I feel like I am just not meant to be happy. I am not asking for sports cars and a mansion, I just want to be able to pay our bills. Please help us, God. PLEASE.

Beautiful in God's Eyes

I don't want to be a bitter person and I would say that I have try very hard not to be one. I have gone through counseling to deal with childhood traumas and when I hear myself speaking in a bitter way about something or someone, I try to give it to God. I have been bitter about things in the past and I realized after desperately hanging on to my anger, that no matter how "good" it felt to remain angry at people, letting go felt sooo much better. Welp, I find myself fighting bitterness about an issue/situation that happened more than a year ago at my former place of employment and ministry, A DOOR OF HOPE. Now, I know I mentioned the issue before but for those who just recently stared reading my blog, I will briefly recap. In a nutshell...I came back from a missions trip in '01 completely on fire and desiring to work in ministry for the rest of my life. I ended up at ADOH where my spirit and passion slowly got completely beaten out of me by the incredibly corrupt hierarchy that was the "upper management".(there were only a few of us working there.) Anyway, After nearly 4 years of seeing this place go from bad to worse and being treated in an appallingly non Christ like way, the camel's back was broken. I was told that if I didn't tell the girls that were coming in that they were going to hell, I was going to be fire for not telling the whole gospel. I did share the gospel. I shared the grace that God had given us by sending Jesus to die so that we didn't have to. But that wasn't good enough for my immediate supervisor (who was a nurse and had no training in counseling but was telling me how to counsel) and the Executive Director who was so far set apart from the work that we were doing that she couldn't even see how telling these hurting girls that they were going to hell would do more harm than good. Anyway, to make a long story short I was searing my conscience and grieving the holy spirit every time I tried to do what they wanted me to. So I quit. Eventually the Supervisor was let go for lying and for generally not doing her job and has been in and out of mental institutions ever since. The director left after her assistant who was really running the ministry left and she (and the board of directors) figured out that she was a sham. See....bitterness. I don't want to be happy that they have suffered. But I am. I feel guilty and hopefully I won't be glad at their suffering forever. Anyway, the reason I am thinking about it now is that I was given a book to read as punishment for not telling the girls about hell. It is called Beautiful in God;s Eyes by Elizabeth George and it is utter shit. I just found it the other day and tried to read a bit and Mike threw it away because it is so destructive to my thoughts. It tells you that in order to be beautiful in God;s eyes (because I am ugly right now) I must be a perfect house wife, call my husband whenever I go anywhere, never question my husband's decisions, do all the housework and never ask my husband for help, have dinner on the table and massage his feet every night. I kid you not. The list goes on and on and it is completely backwards and ridiculous. So. like I said, Mike threw it away. Thank God for my wonderful husband who I do nice things for because I love him. Thanks God for seeing me as beautiful because of what Jesus did not what I do.

You know what is sooo good?

Pumpkin scones from Starbucks
rold gold honey wheat pretzel twists
cold milk with hot chocolate powder floating on the top
frozen cool whip
annie Ann's original pretzels with sweet mustard
the sweet hot mustard from hickory farms
Williams-sonoma mulling spices
Darby's pumpkin roll
Fresh Gingerbread cookies w/ frosting
eggnog
Those soft old fashion candy canes that melt in your mouth
Brach's Christmas tree nougats
the pre-made cookie dough squares (not cooked)
iced chai w/ a 1/2 of gingerbread from brew
Panera's broccoli cheddar soup
Panera's cobblestone muffins
Panera's pumpkin muffies

My friends

I have some good friends that I haven't seen in awhile and I just want to talk about them.

First there is Laura. Laura is a wonderful friend who makes me feel normal and I love her. She is beautiful and she is smart and creative and I hate when she is not around for me to hang out with. My life is better when she is in it and I haven't seen her in so long that a piece of my heart is hurting.It would be perfection to see her again.

My friend Emily made my life at ADOH bearable and I had so much fun living with her because she rocks. When she left the laughter stopped and I began to feel smashed and suffocated and it ended in one big ball of badness. We laughed, we made ham, we did the coldplay dance, we watched the weather channel and drank coffee.We always laugh when we are together and it would be heavenly to see her again.

My friend Elizabeth and I go way back . We have been through so much together. We lived together for like 3 years and we understand each other. We were inseparable until we both found our soul mates. I haven't seen her in awhile and it is so sad because the thought of her not being my best friend makes me feel sick.

I need my friends. I love my friends. I have other close friends but I have been thinking about these three for quite some time. I miss them. I love them. The End.

My ordeal

The other night Mike and I were at our friend's house and on the way out of their apartment I slipped down a couple of stairs and sprained my ankle. OK, I was slightly intoxicated but it was my slippery shoes that caused the fall. When I fell I landed on all fours and I felt this rush of," Oh, no, I can't believe this is happening, I broke my ankle." When something traumatic happens one of two things inevitable follows. Either I throw up or I pass out or both. A couple of years ago I was in an apartment complex with my best friend since childhood and her mother and sister who have all been like family since I was three. We were laughing it up when all of the sudden the mother missed the last few stairs and broke her ankle in the most horrible way. Even now as the picture of her mangled foot appears in my mind I feel queasy and must not let myself continue to picture it. Anyway, as I was on the floor her broken foot flashed in my mind and I was sure mine must have looked the same. I felt the familiar dizziness that comes right before I pass out and therefore crawled out the door hoping the night air would help me to feel a little better. Then the familiar nausea hit and I crawled closer to the edge of the steps and puked over the side...several times. Mike, being the wonderful husband he is, held my hair back and tried to console me. He looked at my ankle and said that we should go to the hospital because he thought it might be broken. He helped me to the car and I was getting in when my ankle gave out again and I felt excruciating pain. I felt for sure that if it hadn't been broken before, it now was. Mike drove quickly, yet safely to the hospital. When we got to the emergency room he wheeled me in and I answered the questions at triage. This was all at about 1:00am. As I was wheeled to the back I had this weird rush of happiness. I don't know why I felt happy but the thought of , "yay, I am getting attention " past through my mind. I immediately felt ashamed that I was happy to be getting attention. I mean, how pathetic is that? Mike gives me a ton of attention and so do my family and friends. I mean, what am I , an attention whore? It was like I couldn't get enough. Anyway, that whole thought process happened in about 30 seconds and then I was right back into feeling like I was going to pass out and puke again. Just when I thought I had a handle on things we heard some guy screaming, "help! Help me. Somebody HELP!" there was a bit of a commotion and I heard some nurses say something that made me think either this guy was obviously on drugs or he was a regular loony who wasn't really in trouble. Either way it freaked me out and I puked again. Mike agreed that it was freaky. Anyway, everytime I puked mike held my hair and rubbed my back. I kept thinking how wonderful of a husband he is. I mean, there was a moment when he was helping me in the bathroom and let's just say if that the fact that he isn't still repulsed at the sight of me shows that he loves me a lot. I also had another realization of how gracious God is as well. My ankle wasn't broken and we were only in the emergency room for about 2 1/2 hours , which anyone who has been to christiana knows is a miracle. Even if it is life threatening they usually have you wait for three hours before you are seen. It truly was a miracle. so now, I have a huge, bruised and swollen ankle and the rest of my body hurts from the fall. I have sworn off alcohol and my shoes that are slippery. I thank God for his goodness and for Michael.
SO, that is my ordeal.

Time to suck it up

OK, I have made some progress. One thing I hate is being depressed about something and not doing anything to make it better. So, I have decided to give my problems to God and to stop acting like a spoiled brat. I more or less kicked God out of my life for the past couple of months. I stopped going to church and kinship, I stopped reading the Bible and I only prayed when I wanted something. Then when things weren't going my way I was like, "Where the hell are you, God". I started thinking the other day that I have had several friends in my life who I gave a whole lot of myself too and they really took me for granted. For instance, I had this one friend who was very needy and would call me at all hours of the day and night when she wanted to talk and she would talk for hours and hours about the same thing. I would listen and give her advice ( though she would never take the advice) and then when I needed to talk she was nowhere to be found. This continued on for a really long time and then she started complaining that she had no friends and that nobody cared about her and that she was going to kill herself because nobody cared about her. This really hurt my feelings because I had really invested a lot of time and a lot of my heart to make her feel like she had at least one person in the world that cared about her. One day I stopped calling. I kept taking her calls but that was more or less the end of our friendsip. I guess the point of all that is not that I am God like but that I was kind of using God like a friend who I complained to and used but didn't really consider him someone to value as a friend. I guess maybe he backed off so that I could realize that I really do need him. I don't think that it was mean of him, I think that he did what he needed to do in order for me to realize that he was missing in my life. SO anyway, I started going back to church and kinship. It makes me feel better and it gives me hope. Do I think that all the bad stuff in my life will magical disappear? Not really, I wish that was the case...but I doubt it will. I just know that now I am focused on the right thing and able to be thankful for the goodness that is in my life and the rest of the stuff I can just give over to God. Obviously he can do a much better job than I can.

I wish I had a happy post

I really wish that I had a happy post to write. I wish I felt well inside and that I wasn't depressed. Bad things keep happening to mike and me. One thing after another. I just want a break...can we get a break, GOD? Am I doing something wrong? Should I be doing something better? Why doesn't God deliver us? Why does everyone else seem like things come easily for them. I mean, it seems like a normal life would be overall pretty happy and then obviously the occasional bad thing happens. For us it is like bad, bad, bad, really bad, small good thing, bad, bad, really bad...you get the point. Do I have sin that needs to be confessed? What? I wish God would just show me how to make our lives better.

congratulations to me

I am finally done school. Today was officially my last day. Now I just have to take my boards and I will be licensed. I am proud of myself and I wish we had the money to throw a party. I have never had a graduation party. My parents didn't think I was going to graduate highschool so I didn't get a party. I guess I feel kind of sorry for myself.

snuggly

It is 6:45 pm and I had a rough day.Michael, my love, is going to a concert tonight and therefore I am home along with the figs. I want to go to bed super early. I think I will. I just took a long hot shower and now I am going to get into bed and either watch t.v. or read a some of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I have already read all of the H.P. books but I seriously LOVE them. They are really well written and for those of you who are like I am and like to indulge in some escapism; they are perfect for that too. I sometimes wish that I had magical powers. I know I would abuse them but it would be totally rad to live in the whole wizardy world that they live in. Yes, it is kind of creepy and doesn't jive with Christianity...but still...it would be fun. Welp, I'm off.

bleck

I am trying not to feel hopeless right now. I am trying not to feel like nothing ever goes right for me. I am trying not to have unfair expectations of God. It is really hard. I am TIRED. I am fucking tired of not having money and seeing Mike working himself into the ground in order to not even make ends meet. I am tired of not having a job. I feel like such a leech and I feel so sorry for him.I am tired of feeling sick and tired. I am tired of saying I am tired. I thought for once things were going to be easy.I recently had leads for two jobs and I thought things were going to fall in place for me and then my hopes were smashed. I don't want to be like, "figures, nothing good ever happens to me". I don't want to be jaded and not appreciated the goodness in my life. I know God blesses me. I know he loves me and I am sure he has something really good around the corner. I need fun in my life. I miss my friends.

a new look

I thought I would change the look of my blog...I might not like it. I might change it back to the minimalistic look. we'll see.