You know, I wonder. I wonder if it hurts when an animal sheds it's skin. Or hurts a tree when it loses it's leaves. Maybe not physically but I wonder if they ever have a sense of loss. I guess that they don't but who really knows. It isn't like they can be asked. I feel like I am shedding skin or losing my leaves a bit and it really doesn't feel good at all. In fact, it hurts really badly. I am shedding friends. Relationships. Past behaviors. It is not fun and feels really uncomfortable.
I have had friends for awhile that I felt slipping away. I have been going in a different direction and noticed that we just don't have much in common anymore. These people I have cared about for so long but I can tell that they just don't really care about me anymore. I have been replaced. Maybe not intentionally but I have been just the same. I hear about thing that I would have been invited to awhile ago but wasn't this year. I see pictures of happy faces perfectly content with my absence. It hurts yet it feels right. When I do spend time with these people it is clear that I am not fitting in. I can't/don't drink to get drunk anymore and I feel like I have the same conversations with the same people I have had 50 times before. I'm no fun when they are with them because I am not having any fun and I can't pretend like I am. They are having fun with people that I just don't like.
The thing is I wish I could just say, " hey guys, I understand that we aren't really friends anymore so let's kind of just say goodbye so there is closure".
Anyway...that's that.
Jan 29, 2012
Oct 24, 2011
October
Well, things have been up in there are for what seems like forever and though the pieces are slowly falling into place, I have a feeling that I won't feel settled for awhile.
We were praying for what seemed like forever for mike to get a permanent job with good benefits. That prayer was graciously answered and he now is working back in Delaware which provides some really cool possibilities.
First, the possibility of moving back to Delaware is more than a little attractive. With so many of the people I love moving to California I feel like I need to circle the wagons around myself a little. What that basically means is moving closer to people I love and hope and pray and beg and plead that they do not leave me. Pathetic? Probably, but I'm cool with that. I am not happy with my sisters and nieces and nephew being across the country and now, to add insult to injury someone else I dearly dearly love has broken the news that she is most probably moving to L.A. too. Damn it all. Part of me wants to say, SCREW THIS S, and just move out there myself. But why? For what? My loved ones are there because of the dream of breaking into Hollywood. Not really my dream. It's so expensive to live out there that it just doesn't make sense because the only reason to move would be to be with people I love. Good reason but it seems so impractical. Plus, Mike just got the job in Delaware.
Now, in order for us to move to Delaware we need to sell this house. Seems like a huge insurmountable thing. I need to find a job down there and we need to you know, move. Stressful.
God has been very faithful and I know he will continue to be. Even things don't always happen quickly I always get what I want even if it isn't what I thought I wanted in the first place.
The other possibilities opening up are particularly exciting to me personally because the benefits we will be getting will cover some procedures that I have been looking into and wanting desperately for years. I am really hoping those things work out because they really would be my dreams coming true.
Well, that's all for now.
We were praying for what seemed like forever for mike to get a permanent job with good benefits. That prayer was graciously answered and he now is working back in Delaware which provides some really cool possibilities.
First, the possibility of moving back to Delaware is more than a little attractive. With so many of the people I love moving to California I feel like I need to circle the wagons around myself a little. What that basically means is moving closer to people I love and hope and pray and beg and plead that they do not leave me. Pathetic? Probably, but I'm cool with that. I am not happy with my sisters and nieces and nephew being across the country and now, to add insult to injury someone else I dearly dearly love has broken the news that she is most probably moving to L.A. too. Damn it all. Part of me wants to say, SCREW THIS S, and just move out there myself. But why? For what? My loved ones are there because of the dream of breaking into Hollywood. Not really my dream. It's so expensive to live out there that it just doesn't make sense because the only reason to move would be to be with people I love. Good reason but it seems so impractical. Plus, Mike just got the job in Delaware.
Now, in order for us to move to Delaware we need to sell this house. Seems like a huge insurmountable thing. I need to find a job down there and we need to you know, move. Stressful.
God has been very faithful and I know he will continue to be. Even things don't always happen quickly I always get what I want even if it isn't what I thought I wanted in the first place.
The other possibilities opening up are particularly exciting to me personally because the benefits we will be getting will cover some procedures that I have been looking into and wanting desperately for years. I am really hoping those things work out because they really would be my dreams coming true.
Well, that's all for now.
Sep 21, 2011
A post
Today seems like kind of a good day just because of the fact that I feel better than I have been feeling. I someone how got sick which is odd since I haven't had a cold in a long long while. I hate having to call out of work. It makes me feel so guilty and scared that my coworkers will get mad at me. I had to call out yesterday. I needed the night off and honestly, the rest coupled with the hot toddy I was drinking did the trick. You know what didn't do the trick? NyQuil and Dayquil. I felt really drugged but did not feel any better. Never again, I say.
I am reading a book called The Kitchen House. I really like it. It is about the life of a young Irish girl who is sold into indentured servant hood at a plantation in the late 1700's.
I am feeling tired now. I will right more later.
I am reading a book called The Kitchen House. I really like it. It is about the life of a young Irish girl who is sold into indentured servant hood at a plantation in the late 1700's.
I am feeling tired now. I will right more later.
Aug 10, 2011
Aug. 10, 2011
Well, it was a rough weekend but the clouds are clearing.
Because Mike and I haven't had insurance since he stopped working at his previous job my Dr. thought it would be a good idea for me to try a generic medicine instead of my Lexapro.It was bad news for my emotions. On top of the medicine issue a lot of other emotionally challenging things popped up and I couldn't really deal well. On Monday I had had enough of feeling crazy and decided that I would GLADLY pay more money if it meant I could have the Lexapro. I ordered it from a Canadian pharmacy so it was a lot less expensive. I have been back on Lexapro for 3 days and I feel like I am feeling really good. Why can't I get it through my head that Lexapro works and I need to be on it?
I am reading Half Broke Horses by Jeanette walls and I love it. I loved The glass Castle by her as well.
Today is a lovely day and again it reminds me that lovely fall is just around the corner. Hooray. Life feels good again.
Because Mike and I haven't had insurance since he stopped working at his previous job my Dr. thought it would be a good idea for me to try a generic medicine instead of my Lexapro.It was bad news for my emotions. On top of the medicine issue a lot of other emotionally challenging things popped up and I couldn't really deal well. On Monday I had had enough of feeling crazy and decided that I would GLADLY pay more money if it meant I could have the Lexapro. I ordered it from a Canadian pharmacy so it was a lot less expensive. I have been back on Lexapro for 3 days and I feel like I am feeling really good. Why can't I get it through my head that Lexapro works and I need to be on it?
I am reading Half Broke Horses by Jeanette walls and I love it. I loved The glass Castle by her as well.
Today is a lovely day and again it reminds me that lovely fall is just around the corner. Hooray. Life feels good again.
Aug 4, 2011
Tears
Today I have tears because it is my grandfather's birthday. I miss him so much and wish that he was still alive.
Today I have tears because Darby and Lyric and Ollie are going back to California. I hate that we live on opposite coasts and that I can't see them when I want or need to.
Today I have tears because it's August and Lindsay, Collin and Senya will be most likely leaving at the end of this month to move to California.
I don't have words for how happy Senya and Lyric and Ollie make me. Nor do I have the words to express my sadness that I can't be with them. I don't have any more chances to see my grandfather or to tell him that I love him so much.
All I have is tears.
Today I have tears because Darby and Lyric and Ollie are going back to California. I hate that we live on opposite coasts and that I can't see them when I want or need to.
Today I have tears because it's August and Lindsay, Collin and Senya will be most likely leaving at the end of this month to move to California.
I don't have words for how happy Senya and Lyric and Ollie make me. Nor do I have the words to express my sadness that I can't be with them. I don't have any more chances to see my grandfather or to tell him that I love him so much.
All I have is tears.
Jul 29, 2011
Hello
Sorry it has been so long. Sometimes I really just don't feel like saying anything. But I thought I would write today and see what comes out. It's almost August and that it kind of bizarre. When August hits I start tot get really excited for the fall and the stuff that comes with fall. The weird thing about summer is that I feel like when it is hot I hibernate just like I do when it is really cold outside. It is actually easier for me to go out when it's cold than when it is really hot.
We went camping last weekend with Lindsay, Collin, Sen, Jes Kruse, Dave and Jen cardine and their kids. Oh and Dex and Zuri. SO fun but I am really not a roughing it kind of girl. I like camping for a weekend, tops. The first night was so great. Though the day was sweltering we went to the lake and swam to cool off. Then the air cooled as the sun went down and we had dinner and all sat around the fire. Things were peaceful and nice. Perfect camping experience. The next night however, the white trash came out of the woodwork. Jeez, that was so mean. I am still kind of bitter, though. This large group of people set up shop right across from us and were really loud. After Sen went to bed it was kind of stressful because they were yelling and screaming and then their stupid car alarm kept going off and waking Sen up. They were also play rap music loudly past quiet time. Just as I was about to lose it, God sent a downpour of rain and the loudies scurried like roaches to get out of the rain. Heavenly, peace one again. The next morning we were awakened with LOUD country music blaring from their beat up truck. They kept playing this song over and over about being from the wrong side of Memphis. More like the wrong side of hell.
Now, originally Mike was kind of embarrassed that it was just him and me and the cockapoo in a 10 person tent but I think he was pretty happy we had settled on the weather master 10 when the rain was pouring and we were dry in our portable house. Snuggled in our air mattress with our battery operated fans and lantern to read by. I told you. I am NOT into roughing it. AND I need my space. If that means we need to get a tent with a foyer and a swinging side door than so be it.
Oh, you should know that I have mastered rice and beans. That is to say that I have found the most delicious way to make brown rice and beans. Sometimes the type of bean changes but the basic flavor stays the same. Besides seasoning the three must have ingredients for me are 1. Garlic 2. onions and 3. Jarred jalapenos. Gosh it is so so so good. I eat it everyday.
That's all for now.
We went camping last weekend with Lindsay, Collin, Sen, Jes Kruse, Dave and Jen cardine and their kids. Oh and Dex and Zuri. SO fun but I am really not a roughing it kind of girl. I like camping for a weekend, tops. The first night was so great. Though the day was sweltering we went to the lake and swam to cool off. Then the air cooled as the sun went down and we had dinner and all sat around the fire. Things were peaceful and nice. Perfect camping experience. The next night however, the white trash came out of the woodwork. Jeez, that was so mean. I am still kind of bitter, though. This large group of people set up shop right across from us and were really loud. After Sen went to bed it was kind of stressful because they were yelling and screaming and then their stupid car alarm kept going off and waking Sen up. They were also play rap music loudly past quiet time. Just as I was about to lose it, God sent a downpour of rain and the loudies scurried like roaches to get out of the rain. Heavenly, peace one again. The next morning we were awakened with LOUD country music blaring from their beat up truck. They kept playing this song over and over about being from the wrong side of Memphis. More like the wrong side of hell.
Now, originally Mike was kind of embarrassed that it was just him and me and the cockapoo in a 10 person tent but I think he was pretty happy we had settled on the weather master 10 when the rain was pouring and we were dry in our portable house. Snuggled in our air mattress with our battery operated fans and lantern to read by. I told you. I am NOT into roughing it. AND I need my space. If that means we need to get a tent with a foyer and a swinging side door than so be it.
Oh, you should know that I have mastered rice and beans. That is to say that I have found the most delicious way to make brown rice and beans. Sometimes the type of bean changes but the basic flavor stays the same. Besides seasoning the three must have ingredients for me are 1. Garlic 2. onions and 3. Jarred jalapenos. Gosh it is so so so good. I eat it everyday.
That's all for now.
Jun 16, 2011
I'm not who I've been. I'm not defined by my past. I've changed and grown and I like who I am. Don't pigeonholed me. I don't have to be the bad one or the fat one or the sarcastic or lazy one. I can be the pretty one. I can be the smart and the thin one. I am that one. I am. I am the one I want to be. I am.
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