The other night Mike and I were at our friend's house and on the way out of their apartment I slipped down a couple of stairs and sprained my ankle. OK, I was slightly intoxicated but it was my slippery shoes that caused the fall. When I fell I landed on all fours and I felt this rush of," Oh, no, I can't believe this is happening, I broke my ankle." When something traumatic happens one of two things inevitable follows. Either I throw up or I pass out or both. A couple of years ago I was in an apartment complex with my best friend since childhood and her mother and sister who have all been like family since I was three. We were laughing it up when all of the sudden the mother missed the last few stairs and broke her ankle in the most horrible way. Even now as the picture of her mangled foot appears in my mind I feel queasy and must not let myself continue to picture it. Anyway, as I was on the floor her broken foot flashed in my mind and I was sure mine must have looked the same. I felt the familiar dizziness that comes right before I pass out and therefore crawled out the door hoping the night air would help me to feel a little better. Then the familiar nausea hit and I crawled closer to the edge of the steps and puked over the side...several times. Mike, being the wonderful husband he is, held my hair back and tried to console me. He looked at my ankle and said that we should go to the hospital because he thought it might be broken. He helped me to the car and I was getting in when my ankle gave out again and I felt excruciating pain. I felt for sure that if it hadn't been broken before, it now was. Mike drove quickly, yet safely to the hospital. When we got to the emergency room he wheeled me in and I answered the questions at triage. This was all at about 1:00am. As I was wheeled to the back I had this weird rush of happiness. I don't know why I felt happy but the thought of , "yay, I am getting attention " past through my mind. I immediately felt ashamed that I was happy to be getting attention. I mean, how pathetic is that? Mike gives me a ton of attention and so do my family and friends. I mean, what am I , an attention whore? It was like I couldn't get enough. Anyway, that whole thought process happened in about 30 seconds and then I was right back into feeling like I was going to pass out and puke again. Just when I thought I had a handle on things we heard some guy screaming, "help! Help me. Somebody HELP!" there was a bit of a commotion and I heard some nurses say something that made me think either this guy was obviously on drugs or he was a regular loony who wasn't really in trouble. Either way it freaked me out and I puked again. Mike agreed that it was freaky. Anyway, everytime I puked mike held my hair and rubbed my back. I kept thinking how wonderful of a husband he is. I mean, there was a moment when he was helping me in the bathroom and let's just say if that the fact that he isn't still repulsed at the sight of me shows that he loves me a lot. I also had another realization of how gracious God is as well. My ankle wasn't broken and we were only in the emergency room for about 2 1/2 hours , which anyone who has been to christiana knows is a miracle. Even if it is life threatening they usually have you wait for three hours before you are seen. It truly was a miracle. so now, I have a huge, bruised and swollen ankle and the rest of my body hurts from the fall. I have sworn off alcohol and my shoes that are slippery. I thank God for his goodness and for Michael.
SO, that is my ordeal.
Nov 13, 2006
OK, I have made some progress. One thing I hate is being depressed about something and not doing anything to make it better. So, I have decided to give my problems to God and to stop acting like a spoiled brat. I more or less kicked God out of my life for the past couple of months. I stopped going to church and kinship, I stopped reading the Bible and I only prayed when I wanted something. Then when things weren't going my way I was like, "Where the hell are you, God". I started thinking the other day that I have had several friends in my life who I gave a whole lot of myself too and they really took me for granted. For instance, I had this one friend who was very needy and would call me at all hours of the day and night when she wanted to talk and she would talk for hours and hours about the same thing. I would listen and give her advice ( though she would never take the advice) and then when I needed to talk she was nowhere to be found. This continued on for a really long time and then she started complaining that she had no friends and that nobody cared about her and that she was going to kill herself because nobody cared about her. This really hurt my feelings because I had really invested a lot of time and a lot of my heart to make her feel like she had at least one person in the world that cared about her. One day I stopped calling. I kept taking her calls but that was more or less the end of our friendsip. I guess the point of all that is not that I am God like but that I was kind of using God like a friend who I complained to and used but didn't really consider him someone to value as a friend. I guess maybe he backed off so that I could realize that I really do need him. I don't think that it was mean of him, I think that he did what he needed to do in order for me to realize that he was missing in my life. SO anyway, I started going back to church and kinship. It makes me feel better and it gives me hope. Do I think that all the bad stuff in my life will magical disappear? Not really, I wish that was the case...but I doubt it will. I just know that now I am focused on the right thing and able to be thankful for the goodness that is in my life and the rest of the stuff I can just give over to God. Obviously he can do a much better job than I can.
Nov 9, 2006
I really wish that I had a happy post to write. I wish I felt well inside and that I wasn't depressed. Bad things keep happening to mike and me. One thing after another. I just want a break...can we get a break, GOD? Am I doing something wrong? Should I be doing something better? Why doesn't God deliver us? Why does everyone else seem like things come easily for them. I mean, it seems like a normal life would be overall pretty happy and then obviously the occasional bad thing happens. For us it is like bad, bad, bad, really bad, small good thing, bad, bad, really bad...you get the point. Do I have sin that needs to be confessed? What? I wish God would just show me how to make our lives better.
Nov 8, 2006
I am finally done school. Today was officially my last day. Now I just have to take my boards and I will be licensed. I am proud of myself and I wish we had the money to throw a party. I have never had a graduation party. My parents didn't think I was going to graduate highschool so I didn't get a party. I guess I feel kind of sorry for myself.
Nov 6, 2006
It is 6:45 pm and I had a rough day.Michael, my love, is going to a concert tonight and therefore I am home along with the figs. I want to go to bed super early. I think I will. I just took a long hot shower and now I am going to get into bed and either watch t.v. or read a some of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I have already read all of the H.P. books but I seriously LOVE them. They are really well written and for those of you who are like I am and like to indulge in some escapism; they are perfect for that too. I sometimes wish that I had magical powers. I know I would abuse them but it would be totally rad to live in the whole wizardy world that they live in. Yes, it is kind of creepy and doesn't jive with Christianity...but still...it would be fun. Welp, I'm off.
I am trying not to feel hopeless right now. I am trying not to feel like nothing ever goes right for me. I am trying not to have unfair expectations of God. It is really hard. I am TIRED. I am fucking tired of not having money and seeing Mike working himself into the ground in order to not even make ends meet. I am tired of not having a job. I feel like such a leech and I feel so sorry for him.I am tired of feeling sick and tired. I am tired of saying I am tired. I thought for once things were going to be easy.I recently had leads for two jobs and I thought things were going to fall in place for me and then my hopes were smashed. I don't want to be like, "figures, nothing good ever happens to me". I don't want to be jaded and not appreciated the goodness in my life. I know God blesses me. I know he loves me and I am sure he has something really good around the corner. I need fun in my life. I miss my friends.