Sep 12, 2005

a fall memory

This is a great time of year. I love when the weather is cooler. The days are mild and the nights are chilly enough to sleep snuggled up in my down comfortable. I love when the color of the leaves and the sound when the wind pushes the fallen ones across the road. Fall makes me feel nostalgic. I see or smell something familiar and am flooded with memories of the past falsl and the activities associated with them. Every year my family would go to a specific orchard in Pennsylvania. There, we would look at the scarecrows that they had depicting fairytales and nursery rhymes. They had a huge barn where you would climb a ladder and then jump from a platform into the hay pile below. The best part was this huge market area where the smell of apple pie and cider and cinnamon would nearly knock you over. We could each have one treat. I liked the sassafras candy, and fudge. I could never decided what to get and always ended up wanting the one that my older sister had chosen. Before we left we would get brown paper lunch bag and fill it with fallen pecans from the trees outside. We collected so many I ate them for weeks. I wish we still had a fall tradition that we honored yearly. Perhaps I will start one.

Aug 23, 2005

A few thing that I don't love

Winter afternoons because the sun at that time is so depressing to me
Dogs barking at night because it makes me sad that they are outside
The sound of school buses
Christmas afternoon because it seems so lonely to me
The smell of diesel fuel because it makes me feel sick to my stomach
Having to wake up early on cold mornings
Having to wake up early on warm mornings
Walking into spider webs
When other people have the bass so loud in their cars that it makes my car vibrate and I can’t concentrate on my music
Being hot when I am trying to sleep
Losing my IPOD
When people make a mess and don’t clean it up

Some more of my favorite things

I love waking up late and then drinking coffee while watching reruns of old shows because it makes me feel like a lady of leisure

I love falling asleep while reading a book in my bed on a rainy day because it makes me feel cozy and safe from the elements

I love Kraft macaroni and cheese because it is so cheap and it taste so good

I love when Figgy Pudding bangs his nose into my nose and then rolls on his back because he loves me and he is so cute

I love when people give me flowers because it lets me know that they were thinking of me
I love drinking vodka and cranberry juice because it tastes so good and it is a really quick buzz

I love the sushi rolls I ate the other night because not only did they taste amazing, I can now say that I like sushi

I love Sex and the City because I am thankful that my life will never be like that

I love daydreaming about my future because there is the hope that it will be better than the present

I love when sappy cards and commercials move me to tears because it means that a perfect stranger feels the way that I do

I love inside jokes that never get tired because it reminds me of good times with old friends

I love oyster crackers because I used to eat them when my grandfather used to make us spinach and chicken soup

I love the feeling between sober and drunk and being with the man I love during that time

I love eating at Philip’s when W.L. Gore is paying for it because it is the only time that my family can eat out like we are rich

I love the smell of burning leaves at nighttime because it reminds me of camping with my dad when I was little

Jun 30, 2005


It breaks my heart when people I love are in some kind of pain. It makes me angry at the people or situations that are making them unhappy and I often find that I am possibly more upset than my loved one. Perhaps it is because I don’t see the whole picture or am unaware of factors that somehow make the person I love feel like they are unable to stand up for themselves. Perhaps it is because God has given them the grace to deal with it and because it isn’t my burden I do not have that measure of grace. I really don’t know. I do know that I hate when my family and friends get taken advantage of. I hate when they are manipulated and I hate when they are bullied. It is in my nature to want to protect those I love even to violence. I will not usually become physically violent, though the desire is always there, but I find it difficult to tame my violent tongue. Maybe I should just pray. I probably should, but this makes me feel helpless and weak. Even then, there is violence in my prayers.

May 27, 2005

Me at 14 (journal from a bad year)

My life sucks and I wish I was dead. I have said this before just to piss my mom off but now, in this moment after 14 years of this nonsense I believe deep in my soul that my life couldn’t suck any worse. I mean sure, yes, there are things that could make it worse, if you want to get technical, but it feels like those things might even take the edge off of this misery that I am feeling right now. I am grounded yet again, for lying to my parents. I do not understand what they expect from me. When I was little and I did something wrong they would always say that things would go easier on me if I told the truth. So, I told the truth and then would still get hit. So, I figured, if I am going to get hit anyway, why not shift the odds of not getting caught in my favor by thinking up a subtle and believable lie. Well, you win some ,you lose some. Today I lost. Do I think lying is wrong? Yes. Will I stop lying? Not if I think that it will help me get out of trouble. I originally only got grounded for a week but I argued about it and my dad said, “Alright, now it is two weeks.” To which I said, “Fine with me. I like being grounded”... which brought on the third week. “You are so unfair”, I shouted and stomped upstairs and slammed my door and said rather loudly, “I am so tired of this bullshit”. I heard my dad’s voice in the distance… “And we have a month”. Damn. Too bad I always have to have the last word.

So, now I am in my room…no TV, no radio, and no phone. I could read but prefer to stare at the wall. Yep, same as it has been for quite some time…white and blank. I used to have posters of cute boys on the wall but I have grown out of the New Kids on the Block and I have just started a new obsession with U2 and haven’t had the time or money to get new posters. Ah, Bono. The other day my parents were on a walk and I sneaked into the spare room and turned on MTV very softly. A bunch of crappy music came on and I was just deciding it wasn’t worth getting caught when the video for “Mysterious Ways” came on. From the very first sound of the edge’s guitar to the memory of the last beat of Larry’s drum I was mesmerized. Bono, lovely, blue eyed warbly voiced angel sent from God to speak healing into my wounded places. The only thing worth living for right now was the hope that I would never again be alone in this world without a bit of musical heroin to anesthetize the pain of my existence. I must meet Bono one day and tell him that he is keeping me alive. I wonder if this will make a difference to him. Probably not. Why would a rock star give a flying fig about a 14-year-old girl? I still want to meet him just in case he is wondering if his life is making a difference. It is making a difference…a huge difference, in my life at least.
So, I am still staring out the wall and I am thinking about nothing when I hear my sister, Darby go into her room. She is 2 ½ years older. She is beautiful, she is kind even to losers, she is smart and always does what is right. The world loves her and I wish I could be more like her. All the guys at school want to be with her. She has a dick-head of a boyfriend. He is mean to her and acts like I am annoying in my own house. If I really wanted him gone, if I thought it wouldn’t break her heart, I could pull out a list of 100 guys who would do the job quick and easy all to see her free and single. I just want her to be happy. He doesn’t make her happy, he makes her cry. I hear her talking to someone on the phone. I listen to the wall…aha, yes, this is interesting stuff. Oops, missed something that sounded good so I need to take the eaves dropping to the next level. I unplug my phone, unscrew the mouthpiece and take out the metal thing. I screw the mouthpiece on and leave the phone off the hook and gently plug the phone back in. I put the phone to my ear and listen. Wow, this is some good stuff. I should feel guilty. Yet somehow I feel justified in spicing up my life a little bit.

May 17, 2005

Ivish, Vinge and Pal

Please don’t cry, it breaks my heart
I promise I won’t go until you say that it’s ok
You always were the pleasant one who had the nicest face
there is nothing I wouldn’t do to see you smile again

Close your eyes and cover your ears
I’ll just stay right here, I’m too afraid to leave anyway
You can hold my hand I know it helps you to fall asleep
Don’t be scared I know it’s hard when there is so much that
We have to be afraid of

When you wake I’ll try to make you laugh
I saw something funny today that you might appreciate
You look so peaceful but your lips are turned down
I wonder what you are dreaming of

Do you know that I love you with all that I am
I know I’m mean sometimes but you can be a pain in my ass
But if you weren’t around, if you should go away
I wouldn’t be able to live a normal life again

And when you’re sad,
Guess what, don’t be sad
Because I am your sister

May 16, 2005


Every summer night from the age of 13 I would lie on my bed, covers kicked on the ground, and think about how I wanted my life to be. The attic fan with its loud constant humming drew the intoxicating scent of honeysuckle mixed with rain on a warm breeze through my screen. I would breathe deep and will my life to be better. I ached for something and could feel the yearning from my skin to my core. I wanted so many things and was overwhelmed with hopes and dreams. So, lost in myself, I wouldn't realize that I was crying until the air from my window made the tracks of my tears cold. Even now I feel a twinge of sadness when I am alone in my bed on a summer night. I now have different hopes and thoughts but the yearning is still there. Though, I believe that no one feels the intensity of emotions like a young emotionally and physically battered girl. This time of year always makes me think more for some reason. My thoughts make me so tired sometimes. I would like each moment to be simple and not have to ponder things so extensively. I often wish that I could just see things as others do in black and white and dark and light not having to weigh each side and take all things into consideration.
I would love to be able to shut my mind off every now and then.
It might be nice to look at the tree outside my window and not have my mind swirl with thoughts and questions about why and how and if and what. Just to see little white blossoms as little white blossoms and not wonder what God was thinking about when he made them. It's no use... I have to wonder if he made them just for me because he knew that I would like them so much in this very moment in time. I believe he did and this makes me happy. I take it back...I love to think and I don't want to be like those people who take everything at face value and don't think for themselves. Thanks for the little white blossoms, God and thanks for my brain.

May 11, 2005

Before I die

A small list of things I want to do before I die in no particular order of importance. I reserve the right to add or remove items at will.

Trip about Europe
Write a book
Fall entirely in love with someone who loves me back
Meet Bono
Take a stunning picture
Be debt free
Write an incredibly moving song

Get married to my soul mate
Have a well-kept garden
Get off antidepressants
Own a house that I love

Rescue a puppy from the pound
Have a star named after me
Have really amazing sex
Get a better tattoo

Adopt a lost cause
Save someone’s life
Become a Vegetarian for more than 6 months
Get high one more time
Let a spider crawl on my hand
Have a child or two
Have a really amazing body

Finish therapy

May 9, 2005


Just now I feel like if I could look at my emotions
I would see a very green sky frowning on a mirrored green ocean
Oddly mesmerizing yet so threatening
It is a beautiful day today yet, the sun does not greet me with the usual kiss
I do not look at the flowers because their simple loveliness taunts me
I feel ugly and unlovable
I feel like I am made of nothing good
I am not quite sure what triggers these unhealthy, unhappy thoughts

I wish I knew so I could avoid these things

I have hope for tomorrow being a better day

May 3, 2005

Jude Christian

I found this poem/letter that I wrote to my friend Jude. He was 21 when I was 15 and he made quite an impact on my life. Everytime I look at the tree he planted in my parent's front yard I pray that he found what he was looking for.

Love, where have you been?
I’ve waited for such a long time to see your face again
We both know you didn’t let me down
Because sometimes we all make promises we just can’t keep
And now, I feel I should thank you
For what you helped me to see about the world around me
And I know that you meant well, but you left me to fend for myself

I remember that rainy day when you opened the window and let all the water come in

The sun was shining down on your face and you said, “This is how it should be”
You looked at your hands and said, “Just you, me and the rain on a sunny day”
At that point I couldn’t imagine loving anyone more
You said that nothing could take you away
But before the summers end you were gone

You taught me so much about life
You helped me to define myself
You pointed me to God although you weren’t sure
who or what He was
You played me U2 songs that I had never heard
And told me that I should love them forever
You taught me how to be a vegetarian and to be kind to all of creation
You said I needed to be kissed but that it wouldn't be right for it to be by you

I stood alone as I watched you leave my life forever
Everyone else had gone back inside and I wanted to be the last thing
you saw as you drove away
You said things wouldn’t change, I knew they already had
You turned around and told me not to cry because it would break your heart
I smiled through my tears and tried to contain the sob that was caught in my throat

I blinked and you were gone

It seems like yesterday, when you brushed the hair back from my eyes
You said I shouldn’t hide the fact that my eyes are pretty

Well, do you think my eyes are pretty still?

May 1, 2005


I am blessed. I decided that today. I have decided that God does have favorites and I am one of them. If I want something badly enough, if it is truly my heart's desire, God gives it to me in a way that I know beyond doubt that he pulled some strings. My mother and dad have always said that out of everyone they know, they see God's hand on my life. They cannot believe how He works things out for me and never fail to point out these situations of grace. I have been ungrateful. I have complained and grumbled and cursed the day of my conception. I have not seen past my selfishness and wanted to give back this gift of life. I have been a spoiled brat on more than one occasion giving God the finger, believing that I was the queen of the damned, akin to Job, the chew toy of Satan, simply for not getting what I wanted when I wanted it. Yet he never fails me. I always find out that what I wanted so badly would have caused me the ultimate in misery. If I were Him I would want to teach this little bitch a lesson, but nope, not Him, he is too compassionate for that. So, on this Sunday that I did not go to church because of a tiny cold, I give God his props for being rad and I vow to try to be as grateful as I possibly can.

Apr 26, 2005

good things

I love the rain and how it makes everything look more alive
I love the ocean in the winter and how the vastness makes my troubles seem small
I love the snow and the sound it makes when it is late at night
and no one else feels the need to be outside on the ground listening to the snow
I love the wind rustling through the trees and I imagine that it is God whispering that he loves me
I love waking up to a ray of sun on my face when on a road trip with my mother and sisters
and not knowing what state I am in
I love laughing so hard that no sound is coming out
I love the way my hair and skin smells when I have been outside all day
I love clean smelling cologne and how it makes any guy sexier
I love tatoos on nice boys
I love when people say good things about me and mean them
I love U2 and how the music stirs my soul
I love cute and furry animals
I love blue eyes and long eye lashes
I love my family and how they have to love me
I love to sing and creating music that no one will ever hear
I love when people write songs and poems about me
I love my antidepressant and how it makes me want to live

Apr 25, 2005

no mood for a title

I look out my window and see the same landscape as always but the scene has changed from winter to spring.I feel like I just looked yesterday and there were no leaves on the trees. Now there is so much to look at, so much to take in. The various shades of green alone are enough to occupy my mind for hours. I am staring now and so my thoughts go to my life.

I am a selfish girl. I often am so selfish that I do not even realize just how self centered I am. I want to feel safe, I want to feel loved, I want to feel happy. I keep taking and taking and feel like I am incapable of giving. I want to give. I want to be focused on someone else's needs for a change.
I want people to feel like they are better for knowing me. I wonder if anyone is better for knowing me. I mean, do I touch lives? I work in ministry but do I minister to anyone? Have I left my hand print on anyone's heart? God, please help me to be unselfish. Please make me a better person. Please, help me to stop staring and get back to work.

Apr 18, 2005


I feel like I should give up on trying to have normal things. I don't feel normal, I try to act normal but I can't keep up the facade for long. I have a huge fear of intimacy. I only let people get just so far and then I run away or turn my heart off or in the most horrible of scenarios, I act really mean so the person will leave me. Why do I do this? The answer seems obvious. I am fucked up. I am so fucked up and I feel robbed by those men who did things to me to make me like this. I have been in therapy for over a year. I have not made enough progress. I cannot live like this.

something in march

When I close my eyes and shut my ears to the demon of self-loathing
I can imagine being loved

When my ears and eyes are pried open by reality I realize that the hardest thing for me to believe is that you would even stand the sight of me
Because I am, in essence not beauty
I, in essence, can be the ugliest of all creation
I wish that I could be the loveliest like you

So adorable, so loveable and kind
Just like Jesus in your eyes and your soul
when I think of you I feel like you deserve so much better

Pain was the fire that refined who you are
Compassion comes from none being demonstrated
You were shown no beauty, now you find it where others do not look

You are the sweetest of all and everything beautiful
You are all that is right in this world
You are everything I could ever want
and everything I fear that I will never have

Apr 12, 2005

Like scarlet

Search me, oh God and know my heart test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.
I know that there is wickedness in me Lord. I know that I am a sinful person. I claim to know you yet continue in my sinful ways behind the veil of my mind. In the dark my sin is my companion; in the eternal void of night my sin is my only friend. But in the morning it shrinks back from the light and recedes into the shadows until night falls again. Shine into the shady places. Shine into them and expose the impurity. Burn them in your fire so that am pure as the most precious of gems.

Apr 11, 2005

no titles today

I have no desire to tell another living soul about this place. I do however have the desire to expel the oceans of thoughts in my brain. So,here they will be...these things in my brain ; out into the universe and out of my mind.