It is officially fall. I am thankful even though it feels like summer. I would prefer it to feel like fall but I believe I will be wishing it was warmer relatively soon. Doesn't it seem to always be that way with me? Always wishing for something else. I am trying to be thankful for the moment. I'm trying to stay there and not wish the present peacefulness away. When I am stressed I want peace. When there is peace I crave adventure. I feel like my life is one big mood swing.

But let's talk fall memories. Some of my favorite times because when we girls were little my parents would take us to do fun things in the fall. We would walk at Winterthur and I distinctly remember the smell of the leaves and being surrounded by so many colors. Deep reds and bright oranges. I loved the way the yellow trees looked against the deep blue sky. We would go to a place called Hawk Mountain where you hiked up and saw hundreds of swooping hawks. We would go to Linvilla orchards and tour through the fairytales and nursery rhymes depicted by scarecrows and pumpkin people. We would build fires in our backyard and sit and drink hot chocolate.

Fall is a happy time usually. I was always so excited to go back to school and see my friends but dreaded it just the same. I always had high hopes that this would be the year I did my homework and got good grades. This year I would get a boyfriend and have my first kiss. This year I would be happy. I never actually had one of those years. I had fun. I had dumb boyfriends that lasted for a few weeks. Never had my real first kiss until much later.Never good good grades or did my homework. I wonder how much my life would be different if my high school years were different. Maybe they wouldn't have changed. Maybe my life would be unrecognizable.

My most favorite fall memory was on a rainy day in October of 2005. As we stood in front of a fire in a beautiful big stone fire place I held the hand of my love and promised him that we would share the rest of our lives together. We've been holding hands ever since.

Anyway, I raise my glass of cider to fall and say welcome to new good memories.

I want to believe

I want to believe that there are good things just ahead for us. I want to believe that God loves us and wants amazing things for us. I want to believe that this time will pass. I want to believe that Mike will find a fantastic job and that he will finally be appreciated for his talents and wonderful work ethic. I want to believe good prevails and not evil. It's hard to believe. But I want to.

On our way

So we have decided that Mike needs to persue his dreams. We aren't really sure what that is right now. I told him that if he figures out what he wants to do with his life I will do whatever it takes to support him. We think he will probably have to go back to school. The thing is that his work will only reimburse him for 50% of his courses and limits that to like 1 course a semester. So, he is looking at other careers and trying to really figure out what he wants to do.

I on the other hand just got back on Ritalin which helps me to focus. I am hoping that I will be able to see more clearly now.

I feel like we are going to make a big move soon.

I feel like I should be doing something more productive with my life. I should be making more money or having a family or helping people. I feel stagnant. I feel like I was made for something a little more awesome tan this but I don't know what it is. I want to go back to school but I don't know what for and we can't afford it anyway. Mike wants to go back to school too but we again, can't afford it. I wish something awesome would happen. I need something to change.