Dec 16, 2010

Fancy little song I wrote

Trying to work out some issues right now

"I'm a really kind girl
one of the kindest I know.
There isn't actually too much these days that I just haven't let go.

But when you came to my world you started out like a song one that I didn't like much at first but then I assumed I was wrong.

Then you f-cked up my world and therefore it will be a better place without you. Good good riddance to bad bad rubbish. Yes that rubbish is you. Yes, the shit is you."

Not done yet but I think it is a good start.

Nov 2, 2010

Why don't I post more? and other things...

You know, there was a time in my life when I wrote more often. Not just on my blog but in general. I wrote in my journals and I often found myself following up on ideas for stories.Why don't I wrote more now? I think my issue is not time. I have plenty of time. I think it is a mixture of lack of creativity and lack of confidence. I start to write and then I reread the words and think they are crap. I think, " who would want to read this"? I wonder if people would talk or act they way I am portraying them. Then I wonder what I was thinking and erase everything. Hmph. I hate not feeling like what I create is good. Even when I am writing on my blog I feel like writing is tedious. I feel like I am trying to wade through my muddy thoughts and put down something witty an eloquent. I feel like it never works and everything sounds boring and trite. Blaaaaah. yucky.

Anyway, Mike and I went away for the past two weekends. We went to a bed and breakfast for two nights two weekends ago and it was fantastic. It was very peaceful and quiet and the bed was very comfortable. The first night I didn't sleep well. I felt really scared in the room and felt like we weren't alone. I used to feel that way all of the time when I was in my early 20s. When I lived at my parents house I slept in what used to be Darby's room. I would feel terrified sometimes. There was a period when there was some weird stuff going on at our church. I mean, there were people introducing weird stuff and I am really sensitive to spirits. Something was with me and I don't mean the Holy Spirit.

The worst time I remember was laying in my bed and not being about to fall asleep. It was late at night and I felt terrified. All of a sudden, and mind you I was wide awake, I could not move my body. Something heavy was pushing me into the bed. It was hard to breathe but I started praying out loud. All of the sudden the thing lifted off of me in a wave from my feet to my head leaving a tingling feeling behind in it's wake. It was crazy.

It was scary like that for a few years. I moved in with someone and she was gone a lot. I felt terrified there a lot and always felt like someone was watching me.

When I moved to A Door of Hope things got a lot worse. I was terrified at night. I couldn't sleep and all of the other Mentors were having problems as well. I woke up one night to a dark cloud hovering above me. All I could think of to say is,"what the hell are you doing here"? My friend that had the room across from me said that she felt someone lay down next to her and kiss her neck. One halloween night I was there by myself and and I heard a several doors upstairs slam.

I decided to have people come in and pray through the house and immediately the problems stopped. It was crazy.

Well, the point is, and yes I did nothing to make this long story short, is that Mike prayed for me that night at the B&B and I wasn't scared anymore. It just confirmed that I can still get tormented by forces that I can't see.

This past weekend Mike and I went to the inner harbor for a wedding of two of his friends. It was a lovely Jewish wedding and the reception was so fun. We got back tot eh hotel around 3am and I still feel like I am recovering but it was totally worth it.

So, that's all my news for now. I don't feel like checking my work so sorry if there are any mistakes.

Sep 23, 2010

It is officially fall. I am thankful even though it feels like summer. I would prefer it to feel like fall but I believe I will be wishing it was warmer relatively soon. Doesn't it seem to always be that way with me? Always wishing for something else. I am trying to be thankful for the moment. I'm trying to stay there and not wish the present peacefulness away. When I am stressed I want peace. When there is peace I crave adventure. I feel like my life is one big mood swing.

But let's talk fall memories. Some of my favorite times because when we girls were little my parents would take us to do fun things in the fall. We would walk at Winterthur and I distinctly remember the smell of the leaves and being surrounded by so many colors. Deep reds and bright oranges. I loved the way the yellow trees looked against the deep blue sky. We would go to a place called Hawk Mountain where you hiked up and saw hundreds of swooping hawks. We would go to Linvilla orchards and tour through the fairytales and nursery rhymes depicted by scarecrows and pumpkin people. We would build fires in our backyard and sit and drink hot chocolate.

Fall is a happy time usually. I was always so excited to go back to school and see my friends but dreaded it just the same. I always had high hopes that this would be the year I did my homework and got good grades. This year I would get a boyfriend and have my first kiss. This year I would be happy. I never actually had one of those years. I had fun. I had dumb boyfriends that lasted for a few weeks. Never had my real first kiss until much later.Never good good grades or did my homework. I wonder how much my life would be different if my high school years were different. Maybe they wouldn't have changed. Maybe my life would be unrecognizable.

My most favorite fall memory was on a rainy day in October of 2005. As we stood in front of a fire in a beautiful big stone fire place I held the hand of my love and promised him that we would share the rest of our lives together. We've been holding hands ever since.

Anyway, I raise my glass of cider to fall and say welcome to new good memories.

Sep 14, 2010

I want to believe

I want to believe that there are good things just ahead for us. I want to believe that God loves us and wants amazing things for us. I want to believe that this time will pass. I want to believe that Mike will find a fantastic job and that he will finally be appreciated for his talents and wonderful work ethic. I want to believe good prevails and not evil. It's hard to believe. But I want to.

Sep 8, 2010

On our way

So we have decided that Mike needs to persue his dreams. We aren't really sure what that is right now. I told him that if he figures out what he wants to do with his life I will do whatever it takes to support him. We think he will probably have to go back to school. The thing is that his work will only reimburse him for 50% of his courses and limits that to like 1 course a semester. So, he is looking at other careers and trying to really figure out what he wants to do.

I on the other hand just got back on Ritalin which helps me to focus. I am hoping that I will be able to see more clearly now.

I feel like we are going to make a big move soon.

Sep 3, 2010

I feel like I should be doing something more productive with my life. I should be making more money or having a family or helping people. I feel stagnant. I feel like I was made for something a little more awesome tan this but I don't know what it is. I want to go back to school but I don't know what for and we can't afford it anyway. Mike wants to go back to school too but we again, can't afford it. I wish something awesome would happen. I need something to change.

Aug 23, 2010

No purpose. Giving nothing, creating nothing. Darkness where there should be light. Sadness where there should be a smile. Huge black hole always wanting more. No relief. No satiation. Someone always wants but no one wants to give. I reach out but no one is there. No one can give me what I need.

Aug 18, 2010

August 18th

On this date in 1974 one of the world's best people was born. My sister, Darby. Ever since I was born she has been my of my best friends and one of the most talented, beautiful, loving, kind, and funny people I have ever met. She is truly amazing.

Every year when we were young, I would look forward to her birthday almost as much as I looked forward to mine. Now granted, when I was very young I didn't understand that Darby's birthday meant that SHE got presents and I did NOT. This really cranked me out. I have pictures of me pouting my lower lip out while darby is smiling with her new doll in hand. The story goes that I went around the whole day with the aformentioned pouty lip saying. "Merry March" or "Murry Mawch" because of my speech impediment. Which of course meant, "I don't get presents until March and I am really VERY unhappy about it. " But you know, I was three, so, Murry Mawch is as good as it got. Anyway, as I got older I understood that the present thing, though it stung, was pretty normal. I did NOT however, like the fact that she got to have camp outs in the tent or go to the beach or any other variety of awesome summer activities while March was always around 30 degrees.

Through the years we had very many happy memories of her birthdays though as we got older we didn't/don't get to spend them together anymore. This hurts but I know that she is being celebrated for the wonderful person that she is.

So, Happy birthday, Dawby! I love you soooo much!!

Aug 11, 2010


So yesterday I started the HCG homeopathic drop diet. I felt pretty shitty yesterday. I had a horrible headache and really couldn't think well. However, I am happy to report that I didn't feel hungry and today I saw that I have lost 3.1lbs. I also feel a lot perkier so, I'm going to stick with it.

That's all I feel like saying just now.

Aug 3, 2010


Well, it is officially August. That makes me happy because I call September fall even though it is technically still summer. Can I just say that I hate the hot weather? Cause I do. I have said that before and I will say it again. Right now I am sweating and sitting in my pajamas writing on the computer. It is 12:42pm and I still haven't taking a shower and officially started my day. I have managed to clean the kitchen which is one thing that I do regularly. I can do the kitchen and the dishes. One thing I can not do is the stove top burners. They are disgusting and crusted with black gunk. How do I get it off? I tried soaking it and a bunch of cleaning products. The gunk does not budge. The day I find the remedy for that is a happy day in my book.

Also, I managed to watch part of a black and white movie with Carol Kane when she was younger. Some movie where she is a Russian Jew back in the early 1900 and she comes to America where she finds her husband Americanized. It is really interesting.

Last night when I was trying to fall asleep I started thinking about how it was odd that we are called Americans. Russians.Canadians.Indians. But then there are the Irish, French, Scots. It's weird. At least it was at 2:00am.

As I sit here sweating I realize that my right armpit smells a little stinky. My left one smells fine and I have noticed that before. Right pit stinky. Left pit fine. I wonder why that is.

I'll leave you with that delightful thought as I go and take a shower.

Jul 21, 2010

I think I have embraced living in the city. I have started taking dexter for daily, albeit short, walks around the block and I have met some nice people.
I also put a wreath on the dilapidated wood fence in the back. You know, make it look like I am really into the shabby chicness of the thing.I also painted a little bird feeder and stuck in in the yard. I am wondering if that was a bad idea. I forgot that birds like to poop. I forgot that Dexter likes to eat stuff on the ground. Do you catch my drift?
Speaking of eating poop. Dexter Dog is pretty huge now and can efficiently hop over the gate that blocks the stairs in a single bound. If he gets up enough speed around the corner he can clear it without knocking it down. He sort of prolongs the moment when he is stretched out mid air to make himself look like a horse effortlessly jumping a fence. He usually lands clumsily but he doesn't care. I have to race after him because he is fast. Like the wind. If I don't catch him in time he will dash to the litter box and grab a huge turd. putrid.
He is really kind of naughty. I try to discipline him like mike does because he listens to mike. He is just so darn adorable. I try to get mad at him for stealing paper and ripping it up. But he just does it with such passion. ripping and tearing and growling and showing that paper towel who is boss. I try to get mad at him for taking a running jump and landing on me when I am on the sofa but then he plops down on my lap and licks my hand. He is just too cute.
Well, I best go get the little guy from his time out. Yes, he gets time outs in his crate. I'll let you know how that works out.

Jun 6, 2010

much happier

I have seemed to emerge from a gloomy mist of sorts. I feel like I can breathe more freely. I feel like it is ok to be happy and laugh with friends. I am enjoying doing thing that are social without feeling self conscious and weird.

I feel like I can have fun and enjoy life without smoking pot and drinking. I'll be honest for the last year I have really been using substances as a crunch. The other night at the celebration of a dear, dear friend, we were going around the circle of love and saying what we loved about her or what we admired about her.This friend has gone though some severe trauma this past year. One friend said that one thing he admired was that this friend chose to walk in love and make good choices when so many others when faced with trauma make bad choices. It's really true. I on the other hand, when faced with any trauma, chose to abuse substances. Alcohol, marijuana, zanax. Not good choices. I am getting better. I haven't smoked anything in maybe 3 months. I still drink. I am trying to drink less. I didn't drink at all yesterday. That is good for me.

I'm working on other things too. Working on not being hateful in my thoughts. I am working on being kinder in general. Like, in my heart, not just on the outside. I feel better when I am kinder.

Jun 4, 2010

Horrible and selfish

That is all I can say about myself the last few months. I would say maybe since right about November. yes. November seems about right. It was like a demon crawled into my body aontrolled my mind and thoughts and made me really really VERY self centered when family and friends were going through the hardest time in their life. I started off unselfishly. My thoughts and deeds were pure in intention.I tried to be loving and honest and kind and then it was like Gollum with the ring in Lord of the rings. He wanted to be kind to Frodo but this demon just kept taking over and making him act really selfishly. I started to shut myself off from people who needed me to be open. I started surrounded myself with unkind people. I made choices that were self destructive and painful to those that love me most. Those I loved tried to tell me I wasn't seeing things clearly. They said that I was only seeing things from my view. I knew it and I told them I knew it but I held on to that selfishness with such tenacity that when someone tried to take it away I would lash out at them.

The other day I had a conversation with a sister of mine. This sister just sort of reiterated what the other sister has been saying since November. They love me. They always have. They always will. But I need to look past my pain and see things from the other side.

I decided that that was true. Then all of a sudden it was like the demon left my body. I kind of just started crying. Crying for my friend who was crushed. Crying because I wasn't supportive enough. Crying because I was the kind of person that I don't want to be. Crying because I know I can do better. Be better. I am better. Better than that behavior and those thoughts and actions.

So, I just want to apologize and say I was wrong. SO totally wrong and I will hopefully never be that selfish and blinded by my own feelings of hurt again.

May 22, 2010

Happy and hopeful

I am feeling pretty good lately. We had a wonderful time in Cincinnati. It was so weird, it was 9 hours a way but it felt like home to me. I felt like it was so peaceful and clean and I just felt really happy. We were staying with friends in the suburbs in the Maineville area. Mike has been friends with Paul for years. They both were raised in Delaware and ended up in Cincinnati. Mike was in Paul and Sonya's wedding and his kids call him Uncle Mike. I am Aunt Merry to them. It seems funny cause not even Lyric and Ollie call me Aunt. I met them before Mike and I got married but I then when through my social anxiety phase and didn't see them again until this trip Sonya and I are kindred spirits. It is crazy how much we have in common and how we really reconnect. Paul is awesome and really is so gifted with photography and design. Anyway, we all really get along.

I was planning on writing more but of of a sudden I don't feel like it anymore. Sorry.

Apr 21, 2010


I feel like I am failing at somethings. First, my health. I am sick and I have been in a lot of pain with my fibro. I feel like I am making bad choices and not taking care of myself. I was doing really well with not eating sugar and now it is like I can't stop eating it. I haven't been swimming in awhile and I have been drinking a lot of vodka lately.

I feel like I am failing with Dexter a bit. He is being crazy lately and I keep telling myself that he is only 3 1/2 months and he will not turn out to be a bad unruly dog. Today, looking at the scratches on my hands I'm not so sure.

I'm failing at being a Christian. I feel like I am not even sure what I believe anymore and I don't want to go to hell. I want to believe in the things I used to but they seem so unbelievable and not in a good way.

I'm failing at being a good wife. the house is always messy and I can't work more than 2 weeks out of the month without feeling bad physically and emotionally.

I'm failing at being a friend. Or at least it seems that way. I feel like no one wants to be with me, confide in me or invite me places anymore.

So that's how I am feeling today.

Mar 29, 2010

March 29,2010

I feel like I need to just write cause my mind is feeling jumbled up and I hate that.

I would say that peace is one of the things I value most in life. Peace and quiet. In my mind, please and also in my neighborhood. I don't get to really say what goes on in my surroundings too often but I should have a say what goes on in my mind. I would like to have peace. For the most part I have peace. Then something happens and I start to get anxious as which point I could let it snowball into a full blown panic attack or nip it in the bud. I've been nipping things pretty well lately. Just thought I'd let you know.

I would really like to move out of the city to a place that is clean, safe and quiet. A place that has a yard with grass.

Fiona is sitting on my shoulder and purring. I really love this girl.

Mar 23, 2010

Right now

I used to be able to come up with better titles. Heck, I used to be able to come up with better posts. Not so just now. I feel like I just need to get out what I want to say and don't feel like taking the time and effort I need to make it sound interesting and/or poetic. I don't think I was ever poetic exactly, just maybe a little more interested in making my posts to read. I feel like my creative side has been squashed for awhile. I guess because I have other things to take up my time these days. That makes me sad. Anyway, here is what is happening with me.

Dexter. That is what is happening. He is an adorable puppy that I love. He will be 10 weeks on Saturday and for the most part is training well. He gets sit. He mainly goes potty outside. He is much better at not biting us and responding to the word NO. He is not very good at not barking at the cats and biting their butts. He sleeps through the night. Did I mention he bites the cat's butts? Oh yeah, I did. He bites the cats butts. Sorry, it is kind of funny to me.

Birthday. Thursday.33. Not having a party this year. I kind of wish I was but I am too tired to plan one.

That's all for now.

Mar 1, 2010


March has usually meant good things for me. First of all, my birthday which is March 25th. Every year I would have a party of some sort and it was always magical. A whole day just for me. I got what I wanted to eat all day, received awesome presents and never had to go to school. I was truly in charge for the day. When I was a little older I started the circle of love. That was when everyone sat around and said what they like about me. We have been doing this for years and years and I never heard about any other family doing this until recently. I personally feel that you should always tell people what you like about them but especially on the person's birthday. This year I will be 33. I say that I can't believe it every year but this year I really cannot. 33. Holy smokies. Anyway, birthdays are fun for me so I am glad that it is coming up.

Secondly, spring. I think we are all ready for a good dose of warm weather and pretty flowers. I did pray for a snowy winter but...sheesh. I am also praying for a beautiful spring that lasts a good three months. None of this straight from winter to summer crapola. I want warm weather, please.

Thirdly, puppy will be here on Saturday. I am excited though, obviously, a little nervous about my past failures. I know this time will work out because has to. I am making it work out. No more of this quitting stuff.

In other news, I officially switched to the Philadelphia campus of my school. I now teach the evening class there and it is really working out for me. It is only about 15 minutes to get there though it would be less if there were not so many lights on the Blvd. It takes me about an hour if I am going 60 to the Wilmington branch which I have been doing for a year and a half. I am amazed at how my gas needle moves so much slower these days. I am really not a morning person at all and therefore this works out so well for me.

Ok, so that is my update. Sick of writing right now. sorry for typos...I don't feel like reading this to check for them.

Feb 10, 2010

more puppy pics of Dexter the baby Cockapoo.

He is just 4 weeks.

His little blue collar says my name on it.

Feb 9, 2010


So, this is the final puppy. He will be mine until death do we part. I will not be giving him away. So, I had to make sure I picked a cutie. Right now he is only a month old so I have until March 6 before I can pick him up. He is a Cockapoo and I am getting him from the same place Josh and Kristen got their pup. I am very excited and a little nervous but it will be ok.

Feb 8, 2010

Been awhile

Sorry it has been so long since I posted last but I kind of forgot I had a blog.

Here is what is going on with me right now. I have off until the 18th of Feb and then I work a lot.

I am getting a puppy on March 6th. Now you are probably thinking,"Is she nuts". No, I am not. I am working full force with Kim Champion and have no doubts that I can do this. We are addressing my anxiety but identifying the triggers and exposing them for the bigger issues they are. Mike is on board too and that is a huge difference. I do wish you all to pray because I attempting to overcome this huge hurdle in my life. This irrational fear, or phobia, has got to go. I won't be letting the fear dictate how I live my life anymore.

Also, I am doing well with my weight loss. Overall, I have lost 26lbs altogether so far and 10 since starting weight watchers again after Christmas. I am setting small goals for myself and have 8lbs until I reach my first goal.

I am not eating sugar or dairy and this is helping me a great deal.

So, there is my small update.

Jan 8, 2010


I have decided to start Weight Watchers online again because if I stick to it it works. I do have some trepidation because I have started with such hope before and then fizzled out when the going got tough. I am really needing to lose weight in a major sort of way. I am trying to take steps to see if I can have weight lose surgery covered by my insurance. I have major issues. Physically and emotionally. I really believe I will die early and/or end up crippled for good if I don't get the weight off soon.

So here are my goals...

Continue counseling with Kim Champion. I had issues that I thought were delt with but they are not.

Keep track of my food intake daily

Swim for at least 30 minutes at least 3x a week. Preferable 45 minutes 4 times a week.

I could use some support. I really could.

Jan 7, 2010


It has been a really long time since I blogged so I thought I would do it today. Funny how I used to be so keen on blogging daily and now the thought of trying to organize my thoughts and to make them interesting seems completely overwhelming. I hate to not blog for a while and then pop up with complaints but I also hate to be dishonest about where I am. Well, here it is. Things are just really frustrating. From huge things to little things, I feel like nothing is going right. I had such high hopes for the new year and things have seemed to go backwards before I even got started on my good new year. Here are some of the little computer is old and the keys don't work. So in any given sentence I have words with either too many lettrs or not enough. See, in the past sentence it left out the E in letters. Usually, it leaves out the letter E and doubles the lettr O. SEE!! Anyway, it is truly annoying to have to go back and fix everything.

Secondly, my phone with the QUERTY keyboard won't charge anymore and hasn't for about a month. My new evry two coms up next week but since it broke I have been using my old RAZR. It doesn't work well and there is no qwerty, so texting is a huge pain in the buttocks.

Thirdly, my dress for Elizabeth's wedding didn't fit. IT DIDN'T FIT! I had to get it taken out and am praying that it fits.

Fourthly, it basically didn't fit because I haven't gotten my period in 67 days so my stomach is totally bloated. AND I am an emotional wreck.

Fifthly, I hurt back back in a major sort of way.

Ok, enough complaints right now. I know that there are people going through really tough stuff and these complaints seem minor. But due to the hormonal issue it seems like my life really sucks.

Sorry, hopefully I will write something more cheerful tomorrow.