Jul 31, 2008

A new drug( this is going to be a long and rambly post)

Well not really a new drug. Just the same old one that people have been using from at least jesus's time. I am referring to the demon liquor. Yes, I will admit I am under the influence. Obviously not completely wasted because I can put thoughts together which doesn't happen when I am drunk. I am however a little tipsy and I must say that I feel pretty good.I need to feel good right now. Work is stressful and the whole grandfather dying soon is extremely sad and stressful.I am fond of get6ting slightly drunk every now and then to take the edge off life. Do I feel guilty? No. In fact, I think it is perfectly healthy and normal to get drunk every now and then. I used to use alcohol in much more of a dangerous way. Before I was married. When I was suicidal and bulimic. I remember sitting in my room at 12 Rose Hall (when I lived with Elis and Elizabeth back in the late 90's early 2000's)(for those of you who do not know) and just drink hard liquor that tasted terrible straight from the bottle with the intention of getting drunk as quickly as possible. I usually ended up crawling to my bathroom and puking most of the night away. Those were the days of still trying to find out who I was and what I was going to do with my life. I had a stupid nothing job and hadn't had a relationship since the 7th grade. Oh wait, I should warn you that the drink I am drinking now is incredibly strong and therefore this post will probably stop making sense pretty soon. So let me just say that I am interested to see what I have to say when I am drunk. Anyway, when I decided to go to YWAM I put drinking and pot smoking and making myself puke intentionally behind me and promised to walk the straight and narrow. That worked for awhile.

And now that some more alcohol has hit my blood stream I feel the overwhelming urge to talk about my dear husband Michael. I am married and I have a husband. That is crazy. I thought that I would NEVER find my husband. I didn't even settle. He is perfect for me and I love him more every day. I literally thought that I would be single forever. My friends can attest to that. It seemed to happen for everyone but me(and Elizabeth) and we honesty thought we would be forever alone(together). (hey if you are going to be a spinster you might as well be with someone who understands and makes you laugh). I mean, I remember always having these moments where I would just feel this complete and utter loneliness. I would be on the balcony of my grandparents condo when everyone else was asleep just listening to the waves and looking at the lights of Naples, Florida feeling this overwhelming emptiness and longing to be in love. Or being in love with someone and longing for them to love me back.Things seem to hit me especially hard when I was lying in bed on a summer night. The attic fan drowning out all noise except for my thoughts. I still get kind of queasy thinking about that yearning to be loved. The strange thing is that I felt that incomplete horrible loneliness for 20 some years. Michael comes back into my life) after 10 years of no contact after high school) and that all goes away instantly. Jeez, I love that dude.

What do I feel like writing about now? Ummmmmmm, Well I really love lime juice. It is my new thing. I like lime juice with triple sec, water and vodka. In the right amounts it makes a kamikaze. I think I use more lime juice and you aren't suppose to add water. When I make it it tastes kind of like lemonade. Limeade... with a tiny kick. I didn't add water to this drink so it is much stronger.

So now I feel like talking about random things that pop into my mind. I miss my friends. Elizabeth, Jessica, Elis,Laura, Nina. I know that you read this and I want to say that I miss you. I feel so secluded up here. Jessica's life is so glamorous and exciting and I feel like I haven't been a part of it in so long. I used to spend time everyday with Elizabeth when we lived together and when we didn't we still spent a couple of hours a week together. ARG, I miss my girls so much I could cry. That isn't just the booze talking. and dearest Nina, we used to write each other several times a day. Oh how our emails even now make me laugh. I do realize that life is just like that. relationships move in cycles and just because things aren't the way they were doesn't mean that things won't ever be good again. I just miss my friends. I am going to stop writing now because I really am feeling kind of drunk and don't want to bore my faithful readers. I will write again when I am feeling a little more sober.

Jul 30, 2008


It is 3:48am and I can't sleep. I was told by Darby who spent the yesterday with my grandparents that my grandfather is really not doing well. I have been told this before in fact, he was given 6 months to live like 9 years ago. However, this time is really is not doing well. This time he really feels like he isn't going to live to see his next birthday. His birthday is next week. I am heartbroken as is the rest of my family. My grandfather, Poppop, has been such a huge part of our lives. Some people aren't close to their grandparents at all or even their parents for that matter but my family is very close and the imminent death of such a wonderful close person to me is really very traumatic.
Please also pray for me because I feel very isolated and alone and that makes me feel so much worse.

Jul 27, 2008


So things are going well right now financially due to the fact that Mike and I are both working our butts off. It is awesome to be able to see the fruits of our labors. We are paying our bills, we bought a nice washer and dryer, we got our cars which is awesome(both pre owned of course) we are slowly getting the house in shape and yesterday I finally got a Wii. HOORAY!!!! Now, if I can just find Wii fit in stock. Keep your eye out and let me know if you see it.

I truly thank God that he has blessed us with the jobs that we have especially with the economy kind of iffy right now. Who knows where things will be in the future but as for now...things are good. It scares me to say that because I feel like when you admit that things are good things suddenly turn horrible. I am going to pray and trust that that does not happen.

Now, all I need is a baby, lose weight, get my house looking cute, and things will be perfect.

Jul 23, 2008

The ordeal

UGH. Mike is away in Chicago for a business trip and that always makes me sad. For some reason I always seem to have a crisis when he is gone. This time has been no exception.

Last night, after being at the school for 14 hours and just finding out that this overwhelming schedule is going to last longer than I thought due to a teacher quitting, I make it home around10:30 and I pretty much just want to take a shower, say hi to that cats, and go to sleep. I pull in to the back yard and shut the gates behind me and I feel a little sad an skittish because Mike always waits outside for me when I get home late. I walk into the house an the stink of the trash can hits me. Apparently, I need to take the trash out. I go into the living room to turn the air down because it is so hot and stinking and my cats are there meowing their hellos. Fiona, dear little sweet orphaned six fingered paws furry little purry snuggly drooling kneady(kneading), FIONA, is batting at something. I think it is a toy...until I saw that it is a MOUSE! and a not quite dead one. I scream. Fiona looks at me confused because obviously this is a present for me. Shit. So I try to, between my screams, thank her sweetly, and tell her that that was so nice of her to bring me a present(scream) but (OH GOD LET IT JUST DIE) I am (!((#(@()#, why isn't Mike here) just kind of scared of (scream cause it twitches again) of mice. I scream again and she and figgy dart upstairs. I then have to figure out how to get this dying mouse out of my house. I am sweating, I am cussing and I am crying. I am calling Mike frantically and he is not picking up. I know no one here and besides it is late at night. I am mad that this is happening. I begin to hyperventilate. I try to get a hold of myself with a lot of,"Ok, get it together, you can do this) Finally, after a breakdown and figuring out how to get it out I put the poor little dying mouse in a cup...screaming (me not the mouse) into the trash outside. I keep thinking I see other mice and am still sobbing at this point. I take a shower try to coax the cats out from under my bed and try to make Fiona feel better about her present. I also told her that it was a really good thing to get the mouse cause they shouldn't be in the house. I am still freaked out and frankly a little afraid to go downstairs. Another ten hour day of classes calls. Gotta go.

Jul 5, 2008


My head hurts. Yesterday Mike and I attended the 10 year anniversary and renewal of wedding vows of our friends, Heather and Chuck. It was a full on wedding because they never had one. It was beautiful and we were pleased to be a part of it. We didn't know too many people there besides Brian and Nina, Darby, Linds and Collin, Sarah and Jacob and Kate Dudley. It was still really fun.

This past week Mike and I were on vacation. We spent time with family and spent the night in Atlantic City at Trump Plaza. Mike won $208.00 at the slot machines. It was pretty exciting. He stopped while he was ahead.

I am excited to see Jen and Dave's baby girl and Susan and Jason's son. Babies are fun. I seriously hope we can have one one day soon.

This was a lame post but like I said, my head hurts.