Changes

I realized something about myself. I have a love/hate relationship with change. I always say I hate change but it seems that I always trying to create change when there is none to be had. Then when things start to change I start getting really stressed and just want things to stay as they are. It's weird and stupid. Right now things are changing and there isn't much I can do to stop it. I don't actually want to stop it. It just feels scary to be going through it.

Mike is starting school. As I type this he is in his first class.{I actually started this post a few days ago so it is no longer his first day.} I feel like a nervous mom and her kindergartener's first day of school. I sent him notes during the day. I love you. Have a great first day. I am so proud of you. I want to protect him from people who might be mean to him. I want to protect him from the chance that he might not do well. I am sure he will. He is a smart guy. He is hardworking. I used to think that is all that you needed to be successful in life. Hopefully this will be all he needs in order to do well in school.

Hallelujah,  we are moving out of Philadelphia. I remember 5 years ago when we moved I was terrified to be moving to the city. I kept thinking that we were going to have to live in a ghetto place with lots of crime and noise. For the first year we lived in a nice little apartment that was actually really quiet and nice. I thought, the city isn't bad. Oh how naive I was. It wasn't so bad because we weren't in the city. We lived about as far northeast as you can get about a street away from Bucks Co. We were in Philadelphia by name only. We ended up buying a really cute house on a not cute street. There are streets just a bit over that are really lovely. Our street just kind of sucks as far as inconsiderate loud, trashy people are concerned. Still, I love our little house and I will miss it. A few things that I am looking forward to in the new house: Central air. A dishwasher. Laundry on the first floor. A half bath on the first floor. CLOSETS. Not being so far away from our friends and some of our family.

I assume I will be getting another job soon. That will be good for money but always a little stressful.

I'm so happy that it is labor day weekend and that tomorrow is September. I adore the fall and it always makes me feel happy.

That's all for now.

My mind is a messy place these days. It flits from one thought to the next barely landing on one before moving on to the next. When I stay too long on one thought I feel overwhelmed and frightened at the uncertainty of the future. I want to be at peace. It's ridiculous that I ever feel at peace. There is no real assurances in my life. Nothing seems to last forever. Most of the things I place my trust in give me a false sense of security. So why not just choose to have peace all the time? I do know that I can place my trust in God but even the old things that used to bring me comfort confuse and dishearten me. I try to read the Bible and it makes little sense. I don't have the wisdom to understand the contradictions. I don't know what part to believe. Do I choose to believe the whole thing is the living word of God and have it conflict with my conscience about social issues? Do I believe that the original text was truth but man has made error in translation over these many years? What parts are valid for today? What parts were cultural and for a specific time?

I ponder these things and then must put them on the shelf to look at later.

Learning

So, things are weird when you aren't use to your new body. You aren't really sure what you can eat, when you will have to go to the bathroom or what you can do. I found out that I can't actually walk about a mile in the 93 degree heat, watch a baseball game with 13 innings and then walk the mile back without passing out. I thought I had plenty to drink but I know I didn't eat enough yesterday. I was half way back to the car when I had to just stop. Mike said he would come back for me but traffic was so bad that after a half an hour I started to feel that familiar feeling of, " uh-oh, I am going to either throw up or wait, no, I am actually going to pass out."It's like this tingly feeling all over the body. Then I feel dizzy and start to fade out and everything goes white. I lowered myself down to the concrete and then a lady was asking me if I was ok. She called three cops over. I felt pretty stupid but I felt really sick. I didn't have my phone with me so one of the officers called Mike to see how far away he is. He said, "Mike, this officer______. Yeah, man it's the cops!" I thought it was hilarious that he said that. He was joking around with me and then after he walked me to Mike he said, "You can't say that we don't treat you right when you come to Baltimore". I laughed and agreed that a Philly cop probably wouldn't have been so nice. Anyway, live and learn.

6 weeks out

Feeling normal. It feels great. This past weekend Mike and I made the 9 hour drive to Ohio for our friend, Paul's,  40th birthday surprise. We were the surprise. His wife, Sonya knew. She was the one who wanted to surprise him.It was nice that he liked the surprise. Paul and Mike have been friends since elementary school and he was very close with them as a couple while he lived in Cincinnati for three years.  Their kids call him Uncle Mike and now they call me Aunt Merry. I think that is cute.

I wasn't going to go at first because I thought the trip would be too much for me. It wasn't and I had a great time. On Saturday night a bunch of close friends of Paul and Sonya had a party for him. I thought I would feel strange but they were all some of the nicest people I have ever met. I was even able to eat what they had made for dinner. It was super great.

I started swimming again and that feels good too. I feel like I am feeling healed. Things are getting easier. I am feeling happy.

1 month out

So tomorrow will mark 1 month since my surgery. I am feeling a bit more normal which is what I continue to crave. I want to feel good, of course, I want to lose weight, of course, I want to be healthy, of COURSE but want I really want is to feel like my life is normal again.
 For a girl who has a hard time adjusting to shocks to the system, physically and emotionally, this surgery has been a doooooooozie. First the physical aspect. I was cut and rearranged and things were removed. Muscle was cut and IVS, portals, tubes and drains were put in. I didn't sleep much for the first two weeks and it's quite easy to get dehydrated which I believe I almost was a few times. Mike had to give me shots for two weeks. Thank God we don't have to do that anymore. The pain was intense at times as were the intestinal issues.I still get lightheaded and tired and have to take vitamins and medicines that taste horrible. Emotionally, it's been even tougher. Before the surgery food was a huge part of my life. When I was sad or lonely ,bored ,depressed ,tired or happy, I would eat. We ate for entertainment and for the experience. It was so comforting to me to just sit down after a tough day and eat some of my favorite foods. I was addicted to sugar. Now I can't do that. I can't use food as a drug. I have to deal with every little thing that I am feeling and man I feel A LOT. Plus, I have used the weight as another security blanket. Over the years the blanket got too hot and heavy but it was who I thought I was, I didn't want to let go.I regretted the surgery as soon as it got tough...so day one. I am just now starting to remember why I wanted it in the first place. I feel better physically. My body doesn't hurt nearly as much as it did before surgery even my fibromyalgia isn't as bad. I love that my clothes are looser. For a girl who wants nothing but comfort it is nice to feel more comfortable. Anyway, that's how I feel right now.

Well, it has been two weeks today since I got my surgery and I would say that I am doing really well with my recovery. The first week was really rough. Lots of pain both inside and out and other not so pleasant things. I still am taking blood thinner shots in my belly every night which is rough but only have until Saturday. Then no more "pokes" as Senya says. Speaking of Sen, she sent me an adorable video greeting saying that she was sorry I had to get "lots of pokes". She knew that pokes hurt because she never has forgotten her shots. Such an adorable, smart and funny girl. I love her.

Mike has been really fantastic during all of this. I mean, I expect nothing less because he is always great but he has just been such a help during this time. He spent the nights curled up on a cot in the hospital room with me and made sure that I got everything I wanted or needed, including a fan to block out noise.

I would say right now the hardest thing for me to do is to take all the medication I am supposed to be taking. primarily because I can't swallow big pills so everything has to be chewable(yuck) or opened/crushed and consumed(triple yuck).

Anyway, that's all for now.

weight lifted

Well, I am finally getting what I have always wanted. A chance to be thin. I mean, ever since I can remember my number one wish was to lose weight. When I blew out my birthday candles. When I wished on a shooting star. I even remember in 1oth grade getting m&ms from the vending machine each morning and wishing to be thin on the green ones. Apparently that was a thing back then. I haven't heard of people wishing on green m&ms recently. Anyway, i thought my dreams would come true if I could just be thin. I don't know why I thought that. I also don't know what would have been thin enough to be considered thin.

I read a lot of people who have stories about their weight loss journey and they say things like, "I was always the fat kid". I would say that too except looking back at pictures, I was actually NOT a fat kid. Or a fat teenager. But someone told me I was, so I believed them. Actually, a lot of people told me I was. So, why wouldn't I believe them? I had a bit of a belly and my thighs were kind of chubby but I wasn't a fat kid. In fact, there are pictures were I look down right skinny. So, why did I always get the fat jokes? Why was I called fat and ugly by boys. Well, ok, compared to Darby who had the stick kind of body I guess I did look chubs. I was put on diets a lot and kept from eating sugary foods. I was dressed in dowdy 40 year old lady clothes because I guess my mom was thinking if I had a mature body I should dress like her? I don't actually know. I know that even when I was thin a lot of the junior clothes didn't fit because of my curves. Maybe that was why I was dressed the way I was. I really don't understand why I lived as a fat girl. I remember thinking I was fat in 8th grade and one of the popular girls said to me, "Look, your legs are the same size as mine are, you are not fat". I recently saw a picture of me in a bathing suit in I guess 8th or 9th grade and I looked like a pin up girl. It was this cute little black and hot pink polka dot with a heart shaped neckline. Yet I was so embarrassed by my "fat" body that I basically wore a shirt the whole time.

I didn't actually gain a lot of weight until after high school. I think I was 20 when I really became an obese person. I hate the word obese. GOD, I HATE THAT WORD. Oh and then there is morbidly obese. You are so fat you should just die. Or you are so fat you will die. Then, there is super morbidly obese. Like, wow she is like SUPER fat. The medical community loves to label you. The first thing on your chart before anything else is OBESITY. And, I know people have said this before but Doctors will do virtually nothing for a fat person. They will take no complaint seriously and will chalk everything up to your weight. I wasn't diagnosed with Fibromyalgia until I went to an awesome rheumatalogist who actually did the testing. Before when I told my many PCPs that I have debilitating pain and fatigue they would dismiss it as being cause by my weight. Oh, and the depression? fat related. Really? Even though depression runs in my family going back to my great grandmother who actually killed herself? yep, it is just because you are fat. Oh, ok. I literally go to the doctor about once a year because I cannot deal with the fact that everything is obesity related in their mind. Ok, moving on.

Oh hey, this retard nigger pollock chink fag came up to me the other day. Oh wait, is that offensive? HELL yes. I would be burned at the stake for saying that. However for some reason fat jokes are still ok.It's ok to use apps like fatify to see how funny it would be if you were fat. Movies and shows have no problem using fat suits to make someone look "hilarious" because they are fat. Oh, and the overweight people always break their seats or eat huge amounts of food or smell or fart or are just completely disgusting. It is what the world thinks of overweight people.

The point to all of this is that I am fucking tired of it. I want to be healthy and not mess my body up but most of all I want to be normal. I want to not be a joke. I know it will be a long road and tough and painful but nothing can be as painful as the shit I have had to take as a fat person.

That's all for now. Wait, no it isn't. I haven't let myself feel this anger at the world or people that I know for, well, ever. So here it goes:

I hate the fact that I wore a girdle all through high school. I hate the fact that older men leered at me and said horrible things to me and made me feel gross because I looked like a woman when I was a kid. I hate that because when I was little and looked like a woman none of the boys my age thought I was normal. Oh sure, they liked the boobs. It was ok to call me fat and then grab my boobs and butt because after all, boys will be boys. Or so I was told by two principles when I had the nerve to say something. I hate the fact that when I was in 1oth grade Mr. Strickland, and fuck Yes, I will use his name, the BIBLE teacher told me that I could be a model if only I had my sister's body. That is wrong and disgusting on so many levels. I hate the fact that another BIBLE teacher, Tim Rodkey, again, deserves to be called out by name, kept me after class everyday to make me "pick up paper". These mysteries wads of paper would end up on the floor of his classroom and he would make me clean them up everyday. Just me. He would sit at his desk and watch and say things like, "why don't you ever wear pants"? and I'll give you an A if you sit on my lap? How about just a kiss on the cheek? When I resisted his advances he got really angry and said that I had crossed a line. This was the epitome of the confusion I had growing up. I was told I was ugly and fat yet men were always coming on to me. Looking at my chest and butt. I was some weird mixture of horrible yet desirable. How does a young girl deal with this attention? I had teachers tell me, "you have such a beautiful face, if only you would lose weight" If only I would lose weight. Like I was trying to be fat. Like I was lazy and just wanted to sit around all day. I had no idea how to lose the weight? I walked for exercise everyday. My mother controlled my eating. Yet I had these damn curves that were just unacceptable. That was me. UNACCEPTABLE. I began to hate myself. Loathe my body.I just wanted to hide myself away from everyone's view. Yet, I craved attention too. I craved reassurance and love. I wanted someone to tell me I was beautiful and not just my grandfather, who always was so encouraging.

As I got older I started to eat more and more. Usually, I waited for my parents to go to bed and would eat "my dad's ice cream". Since I wasn't allowed to have it and would get in trouble if I ate it I worked out this plan of skimming about an inch off the top and smooshing the lid back sown so it looked like I didn't take any. I would binge eat anything I could get my hands on. It felt amazing. The rebellion of eating when and what I wasn't supposed to. The actual textures and smells and feeling of the food in my mouth and going down my throat, filling that hole in my stomach and heart.

As I started to drive I would go to fast food places and order meals. Even when I wasn't hungry. I would go to the store and stash candy in my room and in my car. I remember when I was in college I bought bags of hershey's nuggets with almonds and just lie on my bed and eat them without leaving my room for hours.

As I started gaining weight the leering stopped. The touching and grabbing stopped. I was hiding or being hidden underneath this layer of insulation. I was glad yet horrified that i was being swallowed up by fat. Eventually, I just resigned myself to being hidden. You can't see the real me so you can't reject the real me. You don't know me so you can't hate me.

In my early 20's I moved in with my two best friends. I ate nothing but pizza, chinese food and taco bell. I also started making myself throw up. It made me feel less guilty and more in control, though I didn't actually lose any weight. It lasted for a few months until my sister and roommates called me on it. I started drinking and smoking pot. Anything to dull the pain that I felt inside. Fading the years of feeling worthless and detestable.

I have struggled. Not just with oh, I'm having a hard time saying no to these cookies. I mean tortured, really. I have wanted to kill myself many times and tried once or twice.

Overweight people are not always just people who eat too much. Sometimes we are suffering and struggling with things that have happened in our past. Or have a medical condition that keeps us from being a healthy weight. We are not fat because we want to be. We aren't just lazy and we don't all eat huge amounts of food. It is not funny to us when people make jokes. I don't care if it is about someone's momma or Fat Monica on friends. Everyone has issues. Sadly, we wear ours for everyone to see.

So now, I have had to deal with these issues of mine. Now that I am being given the gift of weight loss surgery I will not be hidden anymore. This scares me more than most other things. The only thing that scares me more is staying hidden for the rest of my life.

Someone discouragingly said that weight loss surgery is the easy way out. It sure hasn't been easy so far. I have had to deal with a lifetime of issues and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I will be giving up my self comforting. All of the things I do now for comfort will be stripped from me. No sugar or carbs or alcohol. I will only be able to eat a small amount of food and mainly liquids for the first 2 months. I will have to take protein supplements and many vitamins for the rest of my life.Does that sound easy to you? It sounds pretty hard to me.

I believe I can do it. I know I can. I am being courageous. I am have the guts to change something about myself that I want to change. I am letting myself believe that the unknown is going to be more good than bad and that I can truly have the life I want to have.

Thanks for reading. I am not going to check for typos because I usually end up erasing all of what I wrote and I want to get this out there.

Hooray

So for those of you who don't know, and frankly I believe there are only maybe 3 people who read this bog and therefore you DO know, I have been wanting to get weight loss surgery ever since I heard about it about 12 years ago. I never had insurance that would cover it which was always extremely discouraging to me.
In fact, about three years ago I thought our insurance would cover it so I went to a long information class where I was told I would die if I didn't get weight loss surgery. I thought and then said," Well, sign me up!". My excitement was short lived as I was told again that my surgery would not be covered by my insurance. You will die if you get this surgery but you can't get the surgery. I thought it was so cruel. I left feeling discouraged and morbidly obese in all senses of the phrase.

However, When Mike got the U of D job in November I immediately got on the ball. I made sure that we picked the plan that specifically covered weight loss surgery so I would not have any questions about being approved. I immediately started the process. Now when I say process I mean, sincerly one of the most tedious and painful processes that I can imagine. Every test you can imagine.Ultrasounds, x rays, psychiatric testing, pulmonary testing, sleep testing, an endoscopy, an ARTERIAL BLOOD GAS and yes, even a rectal exam. All this on top of what seemed like gallons of blood being taken out. All the tests came back normal and I was told time and again that I was an excellent candidate for surgery .However, we couldn't submit it to the insurance company until I had 90 days of nutrition counseling. Finally, on February 17th I finished my class nutrition appointment and I was submitted for approval. Yesterday, while out with a who was encouraging me that things will look up soon,I got a call saying that I had BEEN APPROVED!!!!! Thank the LORD JESUS. Now, the surgery is set for May 17th unless they get a cancellation. So, that's my story. Dreams do come true.

Oceans

I guess it was almost 7 years ago that my new boyfriend encouraged me to start blogging. That boyfriend is now my husband and it seems so odd that I have had this blog for that long. When I look back a the things I have written I get a sense of dramatic change in my life even though it doesn't seem like things have changed so much. It's a weird feeling like looking at pictures of when you were younger and you don't actually remember getting older or fatter or thinner or whatever.
Anyway, things have changed for sure.

I feel like so many more things will change soon. I just feel it in the ol' bones if ya know what I mean. Kind of like the 7 year itch, maybe. Except, hopefully, it will not include one or both of us having an affair, since that is what the 7 year itch really is about. What am I talking about? Anyway, I hope things will change for the good.

Here's something. It's been waaaaay too long since aunt flow has come to visit if you catch my drift. This has happened before and it is tortuous. The PMS literally feels like torture. I'm sure Mike feels tortured too. I hope it doesn't lead to the 7 year itch. Here I go again. I'll stop now.

shedding skin

You know, I wonder. I wonder if it hurts when an animal sheds it's skin. Or hurts a tree when it loses it's leaves. Maybe not physically but I wonder if they ever have a sense of loss. I guess that they don't but who really knows. It isn't like they can be asked. I feel like I am shedding skin or losing my leaves a bit and it really doesn't feel good at all. In fact, it hurts really badly. I am shedding friends. Relationships. Past behaviors. It is not fun and feels really uncomfortable.

I have had friends for awhile that I felt slipping away. I have been going in a different direction and noticed that we just don't have much in common anymore. These people I have cared about for so long but I can tell that they just don't really care about me anymore. I have been replaced. Maybe not intentionally but I have been just the same. I hear about thing that I would have been invited to awhile ago but wasn't this year. I see pictures of happy faces perfectly content with my absence. It hurts yet it feels right. When I do spend time with these people it is clear that I am not fitting in. I can't/don't drink to get drunk anymore and I feel like I have the same conversations with the same people I have had 50 times before. I'm no fun when they are with them because I am not having any fun and I can't pretend like I am. They are having fun with people that I just don't like.

The thing is I wish I could just say, " hey guys, I understand that we aren't really friends anymore so let's kind of just say goodbye so there is closure".

Anyway...that's that.