Oct 24, 2011


Well, things have been up in there are for what seems like forever and though the pieces are slowly falling into place, I have a feeling that I won't feel settled for awhile.

We were praying for what seemed like forever for mike to get a permanent job with good benefits. That prayer was graciously answered and he now is working back in Delaware which provides some really cool possibilities.

First, the possibility of moving back to Delaware is more than a little attractive. With so many of the people I love moving to California I feel like I need to circle the wagons around myself a little. What that basically means is moving closer to people I love and hope and pray and beg and plead that they do not leave me. Pathetic? Probably, but I'm cool with that. I am not happy with my sisters and nieces and nephew being across the country and now, to add insult to injury someone else I dearly dearly love has broken the news that she is most probably moving to L.A. too. Damn it all. Part of me wants to say, SCREW THIS S, and just move out there myself. But why? For what? My loved ones are there because of the dream of breaking into Hollywood. Not really my dream. It's so expensive to live out there that it just doesn't make sense because the only reason to move would be to be with people I love. Good reason but it seems so impractical. Plus, Mike just got the job in Delaware.

Now, in order for us to move to Delaware we need to sell this house. Seems like a huge insurmountable thing. I need to find a job down there and we need to you know, move. Stressful.
God has been very faithful and I know he will continue to be. Even things don't always happen quickly I always get what I want even if it isn't what I thought I wanted in the first place.

The other possibilities opening up are particularly exciting to me personally because the benefits we will be getting will cover some procedures that I have been looking into and wanting desperately for years. I am really hoping those things work out because they really would be my dreams coming true.

Well, that's all for now.

Sep 21, 2011

A post

Today seems like kind of a good day just because of the fact that I feel better than I have been feeling. I someone how got sick which is odd since I haven't had a cold in a long long while. I hate having to call out of work. It makes me feel so guilty and scared that my coworkers will get mad at me. I had to call out yesterday. I needed the night off and honestly, the rest coupled with the hot toddy I was drinking did the trick. You know what didn't do the trick? NyQuil and Dayquil. I felt really drugged but did not feel any better. Never again, I say.

I am reading a book called The Kitchen House. I really like it. It is about the life of a young Irish girl who is sold into indentured servant hood at a plantation in the late 1700's.

I am feeling tired now. I will right more later.

Aug 10, 2011

Aug. 10, 2011

Well, it was a rough weekend but the clouds are clearing.

Because Mike and I haven't had insurance since he stopped working at his previous job my Dr. thought it would be a good idea for me to try a generic medicine instead of my Lexapro.It was bad news for my emotions. On top of the medicine issue a lot of other emotionally challenging things popped up and I couldn't really deal well. On Monday I had had enough of feeling crazy and decided that I would GLADLY pay more money if it meant I could have the Lexapro. I ordered it from a Canadian pharmacy so it was a lot less expensive. I have been back on Lexapro for 3 days and I feel like I am feeling really good. Why can't I get it through my head that Lexapro works and I need to be on it?

I am reading Half Broke Horses by Jeanette walls and I love it. I loved The glass Castle by her as well.

Today is a lovely day and again it reminds me that lovely fall is just around the corner. Hooray. Life feels good again.

Aug 4, 2011


Today I have tears because it is my grandfather's birthday. I miss him so much and wish that he was still alive.

Today I have tears because Darby and Lyric and Ollie are going back to California. I hate that we live on opposite coasts and that I can't see them when I want or need to.

Today I have tears because it's August and Lindsay, Collin and Senya will be most likely leaving at the end of this month to move to California.

I don't have words for how happy Senya and Lyric and Ollie make me. Nor do I have the words to express my sadness that I can't be with them. I don't have any more chances to see my grandfather or to tell him that I love him so much.

All I have is tears.

Jul 29, 2011


Sorry it has been so long. Sometimes I really just don't feel like saying anything. But I thought I would write today and see what comes out. It's almost August and that it kind of bizarre. When August hits I start tot get really excited for the fall and the stuff that comes with fall. The weird thing about summer is that I feel like when it is hot I hibernate just like I do when it is really cold outside. It is actually easier for me to go out when it's cold than when it is really hot.

We went camping last weekend with Lindsay, Collin, Sen, Jes Kruse, Dave and Jen cardine and their kids. Oh and Dex and Zuri. SO fun but I am really not a roughing it kind of girl. I like camping for a weekend, tops. The first night was so great. Though the day was sweltering we went to the lake and swam to cool off. Then the air cooled as the sun went down and we had dinner and all sat around the fire. Things were peaceful and nice. Perfect camping experience. The next night however, the white trash came out of the woodwork. Jeez, that was so mean. I am still kind of bitter, though. This large group of people set up shop right across from us and were really loud. After Sen went to bed it was kind of stressful because they were yelling and screaming and then their stupid car alarm kept going off and waking Sen up. They were also play rap music loudly past quiet time. Just as I was about to lose it, God sent a downpour of rain and the loudies scurried like roaches to get out of the rain. Heavenly, peace one again. The next morning we were awakened with LOUD country music blaring from their beat up truck. They kept playing this song over and over about being from the wrong side of Memphis. More like the wrong side of hell.

Now, originally Mike was kind of embarrassed that it was just him and me and the cockapoo in a 10 person tent but I think he was pretty happy we had settled on the weather master 10 when the rain was pouring and we were dry in our portable house. Snuggled in our air mattress with our battery operated fans and lantern to read by. I told you. I am NOT into roughing it. AND I need my space. If that means we need to get a tent with a foyer and a swinging side door than so be it.

Oh, you should know that I have mastered rice and beans. That is to say that I have found the most delicious way to make brown rice and beans. Sometimes the type of bean changes but the basic flavor stays the same. Besides seasoning the three must have ingredients for me are 1. Garlic 2. onions and 3. Jarred jalapenos. Gosh it is so so so good. I eat it everyday.

That's all for now.

Jun 16, 2011

I'm not who I've been. I'm not defined by my past. I've changed and grown and I like who I am. Don't pigeonholed me. I don't have to be the bad one or the fat one or the sarcastic or lazy one. I can be the pretty one. I can be the smart and the thin one. I am that one. I am. I am the one I want to be. I am.

May 31, 2011

Oh summer.

I had a great weekend.In my mind it was some of the best stuff that summer is made of. Just floating around in the pool with my straw hat and sunglasses on. Um, I had a bathing suit on too. No nude swimming in the middle of the day. I'm kind of strict about that rule. My doggie was floating on the raft with me. He will just climb right off the steps and right onto the raft because he doesn't like to be left behind. Ever.People I loved were there. Baby Sen was there in all her fanged glory. If you haven't had the pleasure of seeing this vampiresque girl, you need to. It will lighten your heart's load. I promise. She has two fangs in her upper mouth. It's hilarious and adorable.

The sun was hot but the pool was cool and there was a pleasant breeze in the shade. We ate food cooked outside. Many meatless treats including deviled eggs which is kind of the king of egg preparations in my book. Speaking of meatless... I have completely lost the taste for meat. It has been a long time coming but I really just can't really even choke it down. Maybe it is a mental block but meat tastes bad to me these days.

I'm pretty sunburned but it is a pleasant, albeit slightly painful, reminder of the great weekend. Hooray for summer. Though I am not a huge fan of the heat I am most definitely a fan of most other things summer.

May 19, 2011

Nice one

Just for today, Do not anger.

So, I have started my Reiki classes and for those of you who do not know what Reiki is, look it up. Lot's of people think it is a new age or creepy thing to do and really, it isn't. It's just the laying on of hands. It uses energy which we all have to heal. I make sure that I am giving credit to Jesus. He gives us the energy, in my book.

Anyway, the first principle to live a life of happiness is, "Just for today, do not anger". We focus on the moment, the present and we do not let anger get the best of us. Anger hurts us and it hurts those around us. I have been letting go of anger. It is quite liberating. In fact, I recently saw someone that I was EXTREMELY angry with at a party for a friend. I was able to tell him that I forgive him. I told him that we wouldn't be close but I would be civil. I told him that I don't trust him( and probably never will) but I will not actively harbor anger towards him.He thought that was nice but... it wasn't for him. It was for me and for others who were affected by my anger. I feel good about it. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I have let go of the anger cause let's face it, sometimes people fuck up BIG TIME. Then again, so do I. It's important to remember that.

I'm still feeling content with my life. I'm really enjoying simple things. I always have but sometimes, in the past, I have felt perpetual discontentment. I would always think I would be happy if I just had the next thing or if a certain situation would resolve. But things break and we can't control other people or their behavior. I want people to act and be a certain way but I. CANNOT. CONTROL. THEM. It is kind of rough to come to terms with that but it is just the plain damn truth. So, I'm trying to be what I value in other people. I'm trying to change what I can and release trying to control what I can't. It's like that old completely overused Serenity Prayer. I always wondered why the 12 step groups used it. Cause it's kind of true.

Just for today. I will not anger.

May 16, 2011

A new post for you

Here you go, loyal readers. I am sorry that I have been neglectful but in fact have been not only quite busy but also quite unmotivated as well. Forgiven? Ok, so a few things.

A. Been meditatin'. Not just meditating. Meditatin' makes you so relaxed that you leave of the g. I made that up. I have been doing guided visualizations. Nothing crazy or weird just going to my sacred place which is just a non overused version of my "happy place".It really helps me to get a hold of my emotions and quiet my spirit. I love it and I have seen a huge difference in the way I feel towards others.

B.I discovered fried pickles. Oh lordy. Hold me back. Them things is taaaasty little critters. Jeez, I cannot stop thinking in a southern drawl. Oh well, I'm fixin to just go with it. So, about them picks'. They are dill pickle chips dips in batter and deep fried. You then dip them in this tasty sauce. It's salty and sweetish and sour and dilly. Yum. I want some. real bad. They are $4.50 for a small order so I can't just get them whenever I want. I can dream about them, though.

My roses are so beautiful this year. I say that every year. They are fantastic and huge and yellow with pink outlining the petals. I also have pretty climbing roses. I ALSO have a doggie licking my face right now. Now that doggie is breathing his doggie breath on my face. Now that doggie is trying to get me to play so he is biting my hand. I am bored of writing this.

I can think of nothing to write. Adios.

Mar 31, 2011

What happen to the customer always being right? and other complaints from the old man...and me

Ok, so maybe there is some kind of Karma thing going on here or maybe customer service just sucks these days. Either way today we experienced the second experience in less than a week where the lack of good customer service or common decency, for that matter, left mike and I feeling a bit kicked in the old crotcharoo.

Last weekend Mike and I went away to Island beach AKA Tom's River,New Jersey. Mike and I had been there before and were in good spirits but it was after we couldn't find the hotel, were made to feel incredibly stupid by the manager of the hotel and then told they were charging us an extra 50.00 from the price quoted to us in an email that I was feeling mighty grumpy. This guy was so rude to us for no reason we both had to hold our anger at bay. My annoyance grew after mike started driving in circles looking for another hotel while they all looked like you could rent the room by hour. IF you know what I mean. I said in a snippy voice, "Can we just go to beach".Mike tried to find a place to park but for some reason was driving really slowly, which pissed me off more. COME ON! I said. I knew I was acting like a giant bitch but at the moment I couldn't stop. I couldn't. Bitchiness was flowing out of me like the river of life and I could NOT put a cork in it. I stomped out of the car and stomped down the beach. Literally. Stomped. Like a child. Like ME as a child when I would stomp up the stairs and into my room. If the beach had a door I would have slammed the hell out of it. This was my birthday celebration and it was ruined by a rude man with a graying bowl cut. I kid you not. He had a friggin bowl cut. It was graying. I was thinking the whole time, "seriously dude? you are going to be rude? Cause you have a BOWL CUT and you are like 50." Anyway, I stomped down to the beach expecting Mike to feel sorry for me. I am wondering what is taking so long for him to come down and do one of his, "listen babe..." speeches which always ends up with how he loves me so much and he just wants me to be happy so he'll do whatever I want. I turn around to see what is taking him so long and he has his big camera out and is snapping pictures like a tourist with nothing on his mind. I stomp up to him and say, "Can we LEAVE ?! I hate this place right now. I hate it. I want to go home. I am ready to have a panic attack!" I start stomping away and Mike, snapping a few more pictures, gets in the car. I start to cry and say that I realize I am acting like a brat but I am just so mad at the retarded guy with the retarded hair. Mike turns to me and proceeds with his," Listen Babe..." speech. He found a nice comfort inn and the rest of the night was really nice.

TODAY, Mike and had another bad experience with customer service. without going into it, it wasn't as bad as our trip experience but it was still frustrating. Mike made me feel better by taking me to the really nice restaurant called...something. I forget the name. Like, Federal, no CAPITAL, that's it...Capital Grill. Actually, it was a swanky place so I'm pretty sure there was E on the end of Grille. I had this amazing crab and lobster cake and Truffle fries. Truffle as in mushroom truffle. Not chocolate. Anyway, it was DELISH. The kind of food that makes you wonder what you were eating before cause it sure's the hell wasn't food.

Oh update...I wrote this post last night and today Mike got a call from the GM of JCPenney where we had the issue yesterday. He rectified the sitch so good customer service still exists. Hooray for the world.

Oh, and lastly, Mike just got a log term job today. It isn't permanent but seems to be a really good thing for us right now. Hallelujah.

Mar 14, 2011

Spring and things

It's almost officially spring but it is already spring in my head and heart. My flowers are starting to bloom, the weather is getting warmer and I have been celebrating my birthday with people. I might rush spring a bit but with all the cold weather in my town and in my heart I'm ready for some serious warming all around. My depression was particularly bad this winter as was my substance abuse. If you have ever experienced such emotional pain then you know how life feels like spring when you start to see the flower buds of hope popping up. When you have severe depression you don't really see the flowers though you might be looking straight at them. You can't feel the sun though you know that it is shining on you. It is like everything is colored gray like a black and white movie. The movie isn't interesting though, it is just on in the back round creating noise when you are trying to sleep. So when you start feeling better it is like little parts of the movie have color again. Maybe a woman's lips are red. Maybe there is a green blade of grass. Then more and more things are turning colors until you are intrigued with the movie. Then you start to hear the dialogue and you start laughing until finally you think,"Oh I REMEMBER this movie. It's my favorite." It's a great feeling. a great great feeling.

This is all I want to say now.

Mar 1, 2011

Double Shift

Today I'm working a double shift. Teaching a morning and night class. Wait, I just have to real quick say that the stink is still an issue so I am pressing through the impulse to stand up and shout, "LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT, PEOPLE" at the top of my lungs. However, being the day it was I don't want to press my luck. I am talking about the fact that several people from our campus got laid off and one got fired. A friend of mine, a teaching assistant, was one of the heads on the block. I feel sad that he is gone but also a sense of relief that I was told that I was "safe". That was the word used. You know, while he was really fun to have around, he had some strange habits.A. He sniffed me. Like he would put his nose to my arm and breath in my scent. He would say I smell wonderful. Now, I am aware that I have achieved that intoxicating mix of fresh.light.clean. But well, I'm a married girl and if I weren't it would still be kind of odd to just breathe in my arm, albeit the intoxicating fresh. light. clean. So that's weird. He does have a good sense of humor and made me laugh. He also thought I was his age, 24, so that's pretty cool.

Moving on to my other friend that I work with. This friend I love. This friend is hilarious and really sweet and super cute. This friend has been flirty with me for about a year but I didn't think anything of it because he IS a homosexual after all. He is openly gay. This friend told me today that he has a crush on me. Like, a for real crush. I said, "You're GAY". He said it doesn't matter because he still can get a crush on girls and he thinks I'm so cute. That's really flattering and sweet and all but...um. I'm confused.

In between classes today I didn't have enough time to go home so I went into a dark room, played music and took a nice little nap. As I was leaving the room I saw a super cute man walk in the door. It took me a few seconds in my freshly napped state to realize that it was Mike. My husband Mike. He had come to visit me because he loves me. He said I had a really sweet expression on my face like I was totally happy and surprised to see him. I was. It was so so sweet of him to come and I just felt so warm and safe and special to him. It was a small moment in time but for some reason it was one of my favorite ones thus far.

This room literally smells like one giant stinky armpit. Like maybe the walls are made of pits or something. I had to announce that it smells. I said, "OK, so it smells like stinky arm pits". Everyone was like, "It's not me". I said, "well, I'm just saying". One of my students, that I love, said in his cute little Spanish accent, "Well, she is just saying that good hygiene is important". He is not the one that smells. I know who it is. She was the first to say,"It's not me, I'm wearing deodorant". I said in my head,"Reapply." I should have said it out loud.

Feb 28, 2011

Things in my head

Since I write what I am feeling and then often leave it as a draft or erase it before I post, I have decided to just write and post. Boom. Write and post. Boom. Just like that. Just like what is in my head will just spill out and then I will post it. Boom. Just like that. Sorry. Anyway, so this is what is in my head....

Hygiene. More specifically, the lack of good hygiene. I never would have believed this but I come in contact with numerous students who literally stink. Like, truly smell bad. I even teach a huge chapter on hygiene and germs and all that jazz. I make it a point to be specific about how horrible it is for a massage therapist to smell bad. I'm talking bad breath, horrible under arm odor that clearly smells like the person A. wears no deodorant and B. hasn't showered for a few days. Stinky feet, like they never change their socks and have some sort of fungus. Smelly hair, like that yucky old oily hair stink. and worst of all...I mean really truly gag me with the stench, butt and/or crotch odor. Like men and women that smell of stinky butt/crotch. What the HELL people. What. THE. HEEEEEELLLLLLLLLL. These people are adults and I have to tell them that other class mates have complained about their hygiene. It's so uncomfortable for me and the worst part is is that they just go on stinking. Ok, so, I kid you not. As I write this a student came over to get a paper towel because she was sweating and she smelled like pit stink. She is in her 30's. She doesn't look like she should stink but yet...she really does.

So I, as someone who is A. Married to a remarkable unstinky man and B. obsessed with smelling pleasant have some questions. First, may I state for the record that I might even take the hygiene overboard. Yes, I shower and wash my hair every day but I also take a bath at night. That is usually for pain relief and relaxation but I suds up for sure. I like to smell clean and feel fresh. I brush my teeth twice a day but also floss like it's going out of style. I actually love to floss. I've never had a cavity so...I'm pretty proud of that. I use deodorant and powder. Powder works great for the undies. In fact, I use Lush powder in the aptly named Silky Underwear. I use lotion and spray on my body . The effect is fresh, light and clean. that's how I want the air around me to be. SO, I feel assaulted when I get hit with a wall of stench. Oh right, my questions are A. Do you know you smell and B. Why do you smell? Do you not smell that stinky smell and wonder," hmm, is that me?" and if you do do you not think to your self,"hmm, shouldn't I do something about that stink"? It boggles my mind people. My mind is officially boggled.

Ugh. Bleck. I'm smelling it. I'm smelling it right now. The stink. The stank. The stunk. It wafts in this direction. I checked to see if it was me. Of course, I am normal so that is the first thing I do. It is not. I have achieved the desired Fresh.Light. Clean.

So besides having a almost visual cloud of green noxious gas floating in front of my face I also have a horrible headache. Maybe it's because of the green gas cloud.

That what's going on with me. Write. Post. Boom. Just like that.

Feb 7, 2011


I have been feeling much much happier lately. As some of you know, if there is anyone who still reads my neglected blog, I have had a pretty tough couple of years. The past few months have especially sucked. I had some stress, anger and sadness that were the dominant emotions in my life. In order to make myself feel better I kicked the drinking and other stuff up a good 40 notches. That was a completely random estimate of notches kicked. I don't even know what that means, sorry. My point is that I was drinking a lot. A LOT a lot. As in, drinking at inappropriate times and being drunk when I should not be drinking at all. Also, drinking massive quantities of whatever I could get my hands on and smoking stuff that isn't legal.That went on for a good year, I'd say.

So a few weekends ago I hit rock bottom. I won't go into details but it involved a weekend that I can't quite recall. Mike filled me in on why water was pouring through the ceiling and why we needed a new toilet. Why he was washing sheets and my pajamas and why he hid a bottle of sleeping pills.

Darby had me go back and look at some texts I had sent and explained why she was going to call an ambulance from California.

Bad bad weekend. The good news is that I am on my antidepressant like I should be. I also have chosen to live a sober lifestyle.

I have also chosen to heal from anger and hurt and make my relationship with God a priority.

So far so good. It's a struggle to live a healthy life but it's what I want.