New post...Hip Hip...no seriously, my hips are killing me

Hidy Ho to all my 2 readers. Again, I apologize for the long absence of my earth shattering and mind blowing thoughts. I have been quite over whelmed with thoughts but they are the kind of where I could be thinking about getting a cup of tea and then by some bizarre thought trail of the mind I am having a panic attack because I haven't organized baby clothes. Being that at anytime my brain could shut down or I could have said panic attack, I am just going to write without thinking and then hit publish. FUN FUN. So, it's the holidays. I have always been a fan of the holidays but for some reason since my sisters moved away the actual day of Christmas has been pretty stressful for me. As has Thanksgiving. I think at first it was stressful because everyone would come back and we would all stay at my parent's house and I would feel like I needed to stay there and cram all the time I could spend with them into a few days. For a girl with sensory issues who needs to have time a lone and actual has a lot of issues that still get triggered around certain family members, it was intense at times and I almost always spent at least an hour in a room by myself having a meltdown. Usually Darby would come in trying to coax me back down with a present.Presents always make me feel better. Then my sisters had to stop coming back for Christmas because it was expensive. They invite us out but a. yeah, it's expensive and B.we have other family members here to consider and lastly and honestly the most compelling reason is because Mike ALWAYS has a damn conference for work the day after Christmas for a week.Now, thankfully it's going to stop being the damn week after Christmas sometime soon but it sucks for now. Actually, 2 years ago it was in DC and I went with him. That was fun. Last year I couldn't get off work to go and this year I will be about 3 weeks from my due date. I want to go. It's in Baltimore. It's not a good idea. I've been told. But many people. I'm not totally convinced that me being here 9 months pregnant without Mike IS a good idea but...whatever. Anyway, The past few years on the actual days of Thanksgiving/ Christmas have been stressful because while members of my family that make me happy are NOT here, there are members of my family that ARE here. So we spend Christmas with those members. Though I love these family members my relationship with some of them are complicated and can be quite stressful. and since it's mean and wrong to say, Hey this year, don't invite blah blah blah, I have to deal with my feelings. I usually feel ill at ease and therefore have a hard time acting not grumpy.  AAAAND SCENE. I'm done for now. will write more later.

Recently

It's been awhile. I was gently prodded to write by a sweet friend via text. I have a good reason for not posting and it is that I had a huge secret burning a hole in my pocket, or brain or whatever you say. Big NEWS. BIG BIG NEWS. Mike and I decided not to announce it until we had waited a bit and personally ( or impersonally via text in my case) told our family and closest friends.I probably could have handled telling people a little better.  I literally told most everyone by text including Mike who was sitting right next to me. I just felt weird telling people.

Anyway,  my thoughts were so preoccupied with the news that I couldn't think of one dang thing to say that wasn't related to the big news. But now the news is out to family and friends and even Facebook, so I can feel free to write about whatever I'm thinking about.

 I'm pregnant. It's so weird. I know I have written on here many time about how I was trying for so long and I just couldn't conceive. I wanted to be pregnant so much and was so frustrated that I just wasn't.But it's time to be honest. We weren't really trying too hard for all those years. We were trying for awhile and even went to the fertility doctor maybe 4 or 5 years ago. After lots of tests and poking and prodding and even a painful surgery with only LOCAL anesthesia (as in they were cutting me and I could not only see it on screen but FEEL the hell out of it) I was basically told that I had Poly-cystic ovaries and that I was too morbidly obese for the doctor to help me. She told me that she felt that I was too unhealthy to get pregnant. I was sad and mortified. Something else I was too fat to do. The person who was supposed to help when you can't do it on your own was saying, Yeah, I'm not going to help you because you are too fat. So I kind of gave up for awhile. I thought that maybe the Doctor was right. If my body wasn't naturally conceiving then maybe there was a reason. Maybe my body couldn't handle a pregnancy.

We began to discuss adoption but it just didn't feel right. I had this nagging feeling in the back of my head that I would get pregnant someday and that it just wasn't the right time.

So, with that in mind,  I was content with not being pregnant. I had a new goal. I wanted to get my body healthier.I worked really hard to make that goal a reality. A little over a year after my  bariatric surgery and a significant amount of weight lost I figured we could start trying again. I wanted to start naturally so I started charting. The first month I charted I got pregnant.

After 7 and a half years of being married and thinking it was a very real possibility that I would never be a mother you would think that positive pregnancy test would have sent me over the moon with joy and excitement. In reality, it sent me into dissasociation, then panic, then overwhelming bad feelings that I couldn't actually pin point. Then I felt guilty for not being overjoyed and so grateful for the blessing. Mainly I just felt really doubtful that I was really pregnant.

So time went on and I started feeling symptoms. Let's just say that feeling so horribly physically did nothing good for my bad emotional feelings. I was kind of in a tough place.

Then the other day I went to the Doctor. It was second appointment and I really had no idea what to expect. I was pleasantly surprised when they announced that I was going to be getting an ultrasound. It was so odd. She pointed out my "little pumpkin". The head, the arms. The tiny little legs. The heart beat. I just felt happiness. I felt wonder. There really is a little baby inside of me. A baby that at just 11 weeks in utero  had my heart doing flip flops and my eyes filling with tears. I couldn't stop smiling. It was even better when I got home and showed Mike the pictures.

I'm feeling better physically. I have bad days that are getting fewer the closer I get to my second trimester. I'm getting excited. Feeling more peaceful. Still have moments of being extremely overwhelmed but I'm working on it.

That's what's been going on with me for the past 8 weeks.

Some tidbits.
I like coleslaw but I love claussen pickles. I dropped a jar of them as soon as I got them into the house the other day. It saddened me.

We had a rough month financially. I wonder how many people still run out of money in their checking account. Like, minus money. Minus money is one of the most frustrating things to me because you get charged more money for having no money. It's maddening.

Crabapple trees are pretty but a pain in the ass. There are always copious amounts of rotten apples on the ground in front of our house. We clean them up but it's like they are multiplying. It smells like rotten fruit. Not a fan.

I've been trying more recipes from Pinterest. I have about 1000 pins so I thought I would try some. Some are good. Some aren't good. I wonder if I am doing things wrong or if people really think this crappy food is tasty.

It peeves me when people describe something as melt in your mouth when in fact, it cannot melt in your mouth. Someone describe chicken as melt in your mouth. It infuriated me.

I took an iced tea brewer off of Chris and Laura's hands. They were going to goodwill it. I am obsessed with making sweet Irish breakfast iced tea. I always write ice tea then go back and fix it. It's because I don't say ICED tea.

Who actually says FOREHEAD? I say farhead. that's weird.

PS. I'm feeling better.

 Just wanted to say that.

Part two

So anyway, I am discouraged. Things aren't working out with being employed by my grandmother. The dynamics aren't good. I am not going to go into details but for the second time she treated me in an abusive way and I can't handle it. I think the reason I feel so discouraged is that I haven't found anything that is a good fit both financially and emotionally. I am at my best when I am doing massage in a stress free environment. Primarily, going to people's houses that I know and giving them great massages. Problem is not too many people I know want/can afford massages right now.  I was really feeling like a failure. Still kind of am. But a big part of me wants to scream, IT'S NOT MY FAULT, DAMMIT! My whole life I have been saying that things aren't my fault because frankly, I have blamed for a shitload of stuff that wasn't my fault. Of course, I am at fault sometimes. I know that. I make mistakes and usually see my part to blame eventually. However, in a lot of cases, this one in particular, it really isn't my fault.  Anyway, a great friend of mine called to check on me because she read that I was having a tough day on facebook. I explained that I feel horrible that I can't seem to keep a job. I get really stressed out and basically just have a huge breakdown. I have had jobs for years before but eventually they stop working. Some jobs I've kept months, some weeks. The point is, they all end for one reason it another. This frustrate me. It always seems to happen when Mike says to me that we need more money. I'm like, "ok, I'm on it". Then I promptly lose my job. My friend commiserated. She has had a similar issue. She says it's the way that we are made. That took a load off. However, Isn't there a type of job that's good for people made like me?Ok, so, in order for me to not hate myself I am going to list the things I know about myself and not see them as negatives. It's hard but I have to believe there is something for me.

1. I am kind but hate when people are mean to me so sometimes I can get a little snippy.
2. I have a good sense of humor most of the time.
3. I love animals but get really sad and overwhelmed when I see them without homes or suffering in someway.
4. I love to write but not always and I am not always good at it.
5. I love to sing but have stage fright and who can make money at that anyway?
6. I love to create but only when I am in the mood and I think most of what I create is crap.
7. I am a great massage therapist but hate not having control over who I massage, when and for how much.
8. I am not good at self promotion or charging people what I am worth.
9. I'm not a huge fan of people in general.
10. I love nature but hate manual labor or being really hot or really cold.
11. I like making people happy but not when they are being mean to me or trying to pull something over on me.
12. I am good at taking care of people unless they poop on the ground, poop in their pants, or call me dummy repeatedly.
13. I love being with little kids if they aren't jerk, which a lot of them are.
 14. I am a mediocre homemaker.
15. I think I would be a great mom but maybe not. Also, you don't make money at that. also, it doesn't seem to be working out anyway.

Wow, maybe I just really suck at working. I know I have good qualities but not when I need them most. I don't feel any better. Damn.

In a ditch

Sometime life feels great. Sometimes it feels really horrible and uncomfortable. Right now I feel like it is the latter. I was rolling down the road of life with the top down and music blaring. Warm breeze and sun on my skin and feeling really content. Then, boom, suddenly I find myself in a ditch on the side of the road. Things are rough right now. Monetarily, we are struggling. It's probably no worse than it has been before, maybe even a little better but financial stress just feels so scary and bad. It stresses your body and your mind and seeps into all aspects of your life. It takes a toll on relationships and it casts a gloomy doomy cloud over things. I feel like I am in that ditch with the wheels spinning and no way to get out. I'm overwhelmed with writing right now so I will finish later.  I will publish this so I don't forget about it.

Sorry, guys.

I will apologize in advance because basically, I am going to bitch. If you aren't in the mood for someone to rain on your parade or send the blue bird of happiness to poop on your head then please stop reading. I just have to get this out. I am feeling horribly. Like, hormonally horrible. If you have had raging hormones then you KNOW what I mean and if you KNOW what I mean, then sorry my sister in horribleness. If you have read this blog for years than you know that I used to have horrible issues with my um, menses. Wait, is that just your very first period? I think it is. I didn't have a problem with that. Well, it did seem kind of late because I was in 7th grade and my best friend had hers in 4th grade. Hmm, I guess she was the one with the problematic Menses. Oh and the other problem I had was MORTIFICATION because I came out of the girls bathroom and whispered in Darby's ear, "um, I think I just got my period". Hoping she would, I don't know, discreetly give me some words of wisdom or at least a pad. Instead I got, loudly and in front of a LOT of people, "WELCOME TO WOMANHOOD!!" Um, thanks. Anywhoodle, where was I? That is another problem I am having. My memory/brain function is not normal. I am foggy. Oh, no Buddy, I wasn't calling you. Figgy just starting meowing because I said foggy out loud. Poor little dude. Ok so, figgybrainfunctionperiod. Right my period. I used to have a lot of problem. It was irregular and then would come for like a month straight in really biblical proportions. Like, I needed Moses to part it, if you know what I am saying...cause it was the red sea? Get it? Ok, it's gross. Moving on. Well, since surgery my period has been regular( give or take a few days). It's been almost a year. Then last month I had it pretty lightly for two days and then nothing and now I am 6 days late. It feels tortuous. I'm terrified because I am experiencing all these weird symptoms and think maybe I am dying. Maybe it is cancer or something terminal. Here are the symptoms. Extreme moodiness. Foggy brain. Memory issues. Clumsiness. memory issues. (ok, I threw that in there again as a joke) extreme fatigue and nauseousness. Now before you said, "Um, are you pregnant." I must tell you that I am not pregnant. Not only have I been unable to conceive for 7 years but I took a pregnancy test and it said negs. PLUS, let's just say that this particular month it would literally be a miracle of I got pregnant. So, I feel like I am going to flip out. I will repeat. I AM EXTREMELY MOODY AND VOLATILE RIGHT NOW. The End.

I just heard some news that a guy, that many people I know knew well at one point, killed himself on Sunday. It's strange for me. I know this circumstance is not at all about me and I am not trying to make it be but this is my blog so I will just be honest, as usual. This guy, named Steven or Steve, went to Wilmington Christian School and was a grade ahead of me. My sister in law Judy was good friends with him and when I was in tenth grade I was good friends with his good friends but I only interacted with him a few times. To be honest, the interactions were never good. This isn't saying anything about who he was because like I said, I didn't know him well. It could have been my fault completely or it could have been that we just didn't jive. Who cares, you know? Other people thought he was a great guy. Other people knew him and loved him. I guess the thing that I can't wrap my head around is that he actually killed himself. I've known a few other people that have. Mainly friends of friends. People I have met once or twice. My grandmother's mother killed herself. I know some people that have tried unsuccessfully. The thing that is weird for me is that I have been extremely depressed before. I have been laying on the ground drooling and not being able to move from the kind of depression that literally knocks me to the ground and keeps me there. I've been so depressed that I am literally drunk all day everyday for weeks at a time. I've contemplated dying. I've contemplated making that happen. I've thought about how would be the least painless, most effective way. The thing that has always stopped me is the people who love me. I know there are people in my life who would be completely destroyed. People who would not recover from that. People who just couldn't live a normal life. People who's death would obliterate me. It's so easy for me to think that people who kill themselves are selfish but it's not fair to think that way. When you are suicidal you really can't see past your own pain. You talk yourself into thinking that others would be better off without you. That people would recover and go on with their life. Thing is...they won't. No matter who you are there is someone somewhere who will be devastated by your loss. Anyway, I feel like my thoughts are weird and jumbled. I wanted to get this out, though.

Hello again. and other things.

It's April first.I have horrible PMS. I am not joking. and I actually hate April Fool's jokes. I hate jokes that make me or others feel stupid. Call me a dud. Go ahead. Call me a dud. But I will probably call you an asshole. Well, this is going swimmingly so far. Sorry if I scared you off. No, I actually am not. That wasn't an April Fool's joke. It was just a lie. I'm grumpy. I've been doing so well for so long but haven't written about it. Then I come back to write many months later and I crap all over the page. Sorry. I have crap on the mind. I'll be really honest. I have been dealing with literal crap a lot lately. I work for this little old lady who may or may not be related to me. She will remain nameless. She is 90 and doing pretty darn well. She is living alone and requires someone to come in daily for two hours in the morning and two hours at night. This job works pretty well for me. I don't usually have to deal with people besides her. That is great because frankly, I am not a huge fan of people. This use to bug me about myself but recently I have come to terms with the fact that some people just do not play well with others.Let's take a rabbit trail here. I'm burned out on assholes. I burned out on selfish people with major issues that are incompatible with my major issues. I have very little tolerance for assholery and ohmygoodlord there is SO much of it everywhere. I started getting the grumpies when we first moved to Tacony. The grumpies turned into misanthropy and then turned into down right hate. Leaving the city has been fantastic for me. A little less trash and a little less noise can really do wonders for a girl. Then I took a job working with crazies. I don't mean crazies in the mentally ill sense because although the population was all psychiatric patients the crazies weren't always mentally ill. They were drug addicts who were flipping out because they couldn't get their uppers and downers when they wanted them. OR their kids were on meds to help them maintain and the parents could not handle one day with their child off of their meds. I lasted a few months before I made the realization that someone who isn't a fan of people shouldn't be working in customer service. Anyway, that brings me back to this current job. Hours are great. Lots of alone time. Lots of freedom. Lots of poop. Which kind of puts a damper on things. Ah, just looked at the time. I have to leave for said job but am going to publish this. Otherwise, I will never get back to it.

And now I'm back. from Outer space. I just walked in to find you there with that sad look upon your face. I didn't really. Again, a lie. NOT an April Fool's joke. Well the job. Care taking is hard work. It's really draining emotionally and physically. I am not complaining. It's just the facts, Mam.Speaking of Mam, as my dear mother is called by my fantastic niece and nephew. Actually, Just the one niece. The other niece calls her Mimi and the OTHER niece doesn't call her a damn thing cause she is like three weeks old. BUT speaking of Mam/Mimi/what have you, she really saved my ass today. my much much smaller ass. Let's take another rabbit trail. I can't remember how much weight I had lost since I last wrote but as of now from surgery I've lost 116 lbs since the surgery. 133 from my highest weight. and feeling really good. Well, usually. Today I feel like crap because of the PMS. Oh yeah, crap. Ok, so this fancy little Granny I work for has a smallishly large issue with not always making it to the bathroom in time. The OTHER rather unfortunate thing is that she denies that it happens 9 times out of 10. The SUPER DE DUPER unfortunate thing is that the blessed one time that she will admit to needing depends and agrees to wear them she flicking forgets that she agreed to wear them approximately 5 minutes later. She has Dementia. Strangely selective dementia. She remembers some things and somethings float right the hell out of her mind almost as soon as they enter. So, there is this woman who doesn't make it to the toilet and sadly, quite often leaves a turdy surprise to be cleaned up. Then when I say, "Hey, let's get one of this awesome depends on". She says, "Oh, I don't need depends". I then launch into a speech about the fact that she does. I try to be light hearted at first. "hey when I'm 90 I'll be wearing depends 24/7. " I try to blame it on the diabetes. " This is perfectly normal and nothing to be embarrassed by". I even try to make her feel better with ,"We all poop our pants sometimes". If she finally agrees to wearing the depends I go to the room to get it. When I bring it out to her I get, " I don't need a depends". Back to square one.She's getting better about wearing them in the morning. But sometimes bad stuff happens before she gets it on. Why doesn't she sleep in one?,  you ask. Please see above scenario. Today there was a massive turdy surprise. I haven't been feeling well lately and hard as I tried I just could not stop gagging. Gagging to the point of crying and having a panic attack. I had to call my Mommy/Mam/Mimi/ what have you and she so kindly came to clean up the poo. I have never had this big of an issue so it was really really kind of her. So, that's my story about why crap is on the brain. Even though I am not a fan of the poop I really don't hate the job.Some days are great and some days are shitty.   Literally. But isn't life just kind of like that? So for now, I am thankful for the job because frankly I'd rather deal with her shit than with other's.