Nice

I finally hit the 5lb lost mark on Weight Watcher's . Whew. that was tough. It will hopefully be easier without the lexapro holding me back. So I have lost about 8lbs altogether. I am happy with that and it gives me hope for the future.

In other news, we go to settlement on the house in 20 days. I am very excited.

Also, Mike said that if I stop biting my nails and let them grow out I can get a puppy. Sucka! I can do that... no sweat. We can't get a pup until we move into the house and we are looking for a small breed. Hopefully a rescue and probably older. If you know of any looking for a home give me a shout.

Jealous

I am having a jealous day. I wish I wasn't. jealousy is one of the most horrible feelings on earth and I know that I struggle with it. These are the things I am jealous of today.

1. On the Weight Watchers community board there was a lady who was disappointed that she is only losing 3lbs a week and wanted advice as to how to lose weight faster. Idiot. Jerk. Insensitive bitch. These are the horrible things that I said to her in my head. Then I realized that I was jealous that I wasn't losing weight faster. Even though I still think the idiot thing applies because losing weight faster than 2bls a week is dangerous and insensitive because no one else seems to lose that fast. However, I know my negative feelings are truly fueled by jealousy.

2. I am jealous of my pregnant friends. There are so many of them working on their second children while I am having a hard time conceiving my first. Of course I am happy for them...no really I am....it is just hard for me to really feeeeeeeel the happiness because I am jealous.

I guess that is it for now. I am trying to reconcile my feelings and be happy for what I have and to have hope for the future that I will get what I want.

Things to be happy about

I am feeling depressed and achy and tired and sick in my stomach and sad that I am not pregnant so I will make a list of things that I am happy about and hopefully I will start to feel happy. I am not going to list the usual stuff that goes without saying like, God and family and friends. I am going to go kind of surfacing and not deep cause I can't think deeply right now.

1. I was able to clean the kitchen today and it felt good
2. I had some tasty tuna and crackers for lunch
3. I am sticking to my points and feeling good with Weight Watchers
4. I don't have to work today and I am going to take a nap in a minute
5. Mike said I might be able to rescue a dog for my birthday after we move into our house.
This is an improvement from when he told me no firmly and said end of discussion.
I probably won't get one but it nice to know that it is a possibility.
6.We go to settlement on the house in less than a month
7. The withdrawal from Lexapro is actually going better than I anticipated
8. I didn't get Mike's sickness
9.I am going to spend time with family this weekend
10. My tulips from Mike look especially beautiful today

They might be a stretch but I did the best I can

Britney Spears

Can I just say that I like Britney. I like her songs and I feel really sorry for her. I have this bad feeling that she is going to end up dead before too long. Have you every listened to Everytime? It is a really beautiful song and it just makes me want to cry. Of course everything makes me want to cry these days.

Going off Lexapro

Wow. It is insane. On Saturday morning I had one of my withdrawal meltdowns. Sobbing, sobbing, hypervenilating, sobbing, shaking, can't understand words. My whole body hurts like someone has been pummeling me from all sides and stabbing me in the back. My breasts hurt like I am pregnant. I get really overwhelmed really quickly and then I snap. It is literally like I cannot wrap my head around simple things. Then I take a bit of Lexapro and it is ok. So as of now I take 10mg when I am experiencing withdrawal...every couple of days. Then I will go down to 5mg....ETC. I used to take 20mg a day. I have read that people gain 70lbs in a year on Lexapro. So I am not that strange. I can't write anymore.

The Beach

Mike and I decided to go to the beach today. I think Mike needed a change of scenery due to illness and we both needed some fun time together. We went to the Jersey shore and it was lovely. It was also really cold so we didn't stay too long because of the aformentioned illness. It was great to be there though. Water is one of my favorite things on earth especially in the form of the ocean. That is one reason why I called this blog Oceans...cause I love the ocean. Ok, enough of that. Anyway, it is very cathartic and it always makes me feel like I spent some time in therapy. We are going to head back when it gets a little warmer.

I love Tulips

Tulips are my favorite flower and despite the fact that he has the flu, Mike ordered me some and had them to to the house for Valentine's Day. What a good man.














The Figs likes tulips too.

Da Flu

I didn't get a flu shot this year. I have actually never gotten the flu shot and I don't remember ever getting the flu. Mike on the other hand got paid to get the shot. His company literally paid the employees to get the flu shot. You know what else Mike got? The flu. He has it right now and he is miserable. If you know Mike you know that he rarely takes off work and never for sickness unless he is feeling really bad or if he is afraid of infecting others. Yesterday I got a call and it sounded like a bear was on the line, "babe, can you pick me up" I said , "Do you feel sick"? and he said"That is correct". I think only Mike would say that is correct when he was feeling so badly. I picked him up and he was kind of cranky. I cut him some slack and made him some lunch. I then told him to take a nap. He was less cranky after his nap. I went to work and came back and the poor guy was wearing two sweatshirts and a hat and was bundled up under blankets. It was all I could do to not laugh at him because he looked hilarious. I figured it wasn't a good idea to make fun of the sicky. Anyway, Mike called off of work today and has been asleep all day. I went into check on him and he asked me a question. Before I could finish my sentence he was asleep again. Poor baby.