Apr 18, 2012

weight lifted

Well, I am finally getting what I have always wanted. A chance to be thin. I mean, ever since I can remember my number one wish was to lose weight. When I blew out my birthday candles. When I wished on a shooting star. I even remember in 1oth grade getting m&ms from the vending machine each morning and wishing to be thin on the green ones. Apparently that was a thing back then. I haven't heard of people wishing on green m&ms recently. Anyway, i thought my dreams would come true if I could just be thin. I don't know why I thought that. I also don't know what would have been thin enough to be considered thin.

I read a lot of people who have stories about their weight loss journey and they say things like, "I was always the fat kid". I would say that too except looking back at pictures, I was actually NOT a fat kid. Or a fat teenager. But someone told me I was, so I believed them. Actually, a lot of people told me I was. So, why wouldn't I believe them? I had a bit of a belly and my thighs were kind of chubby but I wasn't a fat kid. In fact, there are pictures were I look down right skinny. So, why did I always get the fat jokes? Why was I called fat and ugly by boys. Well, ok, compared to Darby who had the stick kind of body I guess I did look chubs. I was put on diets a lot and kept from eating sugary foods. I was dressed in dowdy 40 year old lady clothes because I guess my mom was thinking if I had a mature body I should dress like her? I don't actually know. I know that even when I was thin a lot of the junior clothes didn't fit because of my curves. Maybe that was why I was dressed the way I was. I really don't understand why I lived as a fat girl. I remember thinking I was fat in 8th grade and one of the popular girls said to me, "Look, your legs are the same size as mine are, you are not fat". I recently saw a picture of me in a bathing suit in I guess 8th or 9th grade and I looked like a pin up girl. It was this cute little black and hot pink polka dot with a heart shaped neckline. Yet I was so embarrassed by my "fat" body that I basically wore a shirt the whole time.

I didn't actually gain a lot of weight until after high school. I think I was 20 when I really became an obese person. I hate the word obese. GOD, I HATE THAT WORD. Oh and then there is morbidly obese. You are so fat you should just die. Or you are so fat you will die. Then, there is super morbidly obese. Like, wow she is like SUPER fat. The medical community loves to label you. The first thing on your chart before anything else is OBESITY. And, I know people have said this before but Doctors will do virtually nothing for a fat person. They will take no complaint seriously and will chalk everything up to your weight. I wasn't diagnosed with Fibromyalgia until I went to an awesome rheumatalogist who actually did the testing. Before when I told my many PCPs that I have debilitating pain and fatigue they would dismiss it as being cause by my weight. Oh, and the depression? fat related. Really? Even though depression runs in my family going back to my great grandmother who actually killed herself? yep, it is just because you are fat. Oh, ok. I literally go to the doctor about once a year because I cannot deal with the fact that everything is obesity related in their mind. Ok, moving on.

Oh hey, this retard nigger pollock chink fag came up to me the other day. Oh wait, is that offensive? HELL yes. I would be burned at the stake for saying that. However for some reason fat jokes are still ok.It's ok to use apps like fatify to see how funny it would be if you were fat. Movies and shows have no problem using fat suits to make someone look "hilarious" because they are fat. Oh, and the overweight people always break their seats or eat huge amounts of food or smell or fart or are just completely disgusting. It is what the world thinks of overweight people.

The point to all of this is that I am fucking tired of it. I want to be healthy and not mess my body up but most of all I want to be normal. I want to not be a joke. I know it will be a long road and tough and painful but nothing can be as painful as the shit I have had to take as a fat person.

That's all for now. Wait, no it isn't. I haven't let myself feel this anger at the world or people that I know for, well, ever. So here it goes:

I hate the fact that I wore a girdle all through high school. I hate the fact that older men leered at me and said horrible things to me and made me feel gross because I looked like a woman when I was a kid. I hate that because when I was little and looked like a woman none of the boys my age thought I was normal. Oh sure, they liked the boobs. It was ok to call me fat and then grab my boobs and butt because after all, boys will be boys. Or so I was told by two principles when I had the nerve to say something. I hate the fact that when I was in 1oth grade Mr. Strickland, and fuck Yes, I will use his name, the BIBLE teacher told me that I could be a model if only I had my sister's body. That is wrong and disgusting on so many levels. I hate the fact that another BIBLE teacher, Tim Rodkey, again, deserves to be called out by name, kept me after class everyday to make me "pick up paper". These mysteries wads of paper would end up on the floor of his classroom and he would make me clean them up everyday. Just me. He would sit at his desk and watch and say things like, "why don't you ever wear pants"? and I'll give you an A if you sit on my lap? How about just a kiss on the cheek? When I resisted his advances he got really angry and said that I had crossed a line. This was the epitome of the confusion I had growing up. I was told I was ugly and fat yet men were always coming on to me. Looking at my chest and butt. I was some weird mixture of horrible yet desirable. How does a young girl deal with this attention? I had teachers tell me, "you have such a beautiful face, if only you would lose weight" If only I would lose weight. Like I was trying to be fat. Like I was lazy and just wanted to sit around all day. I had no idea how to lose the weight? I walked for exercise everyday. My mother controlled my eating. Yet I had these damn curves that were just unacceptable. That was me. UNACCEPTABLE. I began to hate myself. Loathe my body.I just wanted to hide myself away from everyone's view. Yet, I craved attention too. I craved reassurance and love. I wanted someone to tell me I was beautiful and not just my grandfather, who always was so encouraging.

As I got older I started to eat more and more. Usually, I waited for my parents to go to bed and would eat "my dad's ice cream". Since I wasn't allowed to have it and would get in trouble if I ate it I worked out this plan of skimming about an inch off the top and smooshing the lid back sown so it looked like I didn't take any. I would binge eat anything I could get my hands on. It felt amazing. The rebellion of eating when and what I wasn't supposed to. The actual textures and smells and feeling of the food in my mouth and going down my throat, filling that hole in my stomach and heart.

As I started to drive I would go to fast food places and order meals. Even when I wasn't hungry. I would go to the store and stash candy in my room and in my car. I remember when I was in college I bought bags of hershey's nuggets with almonds and just lie on my bed and eat them without leaving my room for hours.

As I started gaining weight the leering stopped. The touching and grabbing stopped. I was hiding or being hidden underneath this layer of insulation. I was glad yet horrified that i was being swallowed up by fat. Eventually, I just resigned myself to being hidden. You can't see the real me so you can't reject the real me. You don't know me so you can't hate me.

In my early 20's I moved in with my two best friends. I ate nothing but pizza, chinese food and taco bell. I also started making myself throw up. It made me feel less guilty and more in control, though I didn't actually lose any weight. It lasted for a few months until my sister and roommates called me on it. I started drinking and smoking pot. Anything to dull the pain that I felt inside. Fading the years of feeling worthless and detestable.

I have struggled. Not just with oh, I'm having a hard time saying no to these cookies. I mean tortured, really. I have wanted to kill myself many times and tried once or twice.

Overweight people are not always just people who eat too much. Sometimes we are suffering and struggling with things that have happened in our past. Or have a medical condition that keeps us from being a healthy weight. We are not fat because we want to be. We aren't just lazy and we don't all eat huge amounts of food. It is not funny to us when people make jokes. I don't care if it is about someone's momma or Fat Monica on friends. Everyone has issues. Sadly, we wear ours for everyone to see.

So now, I have had to deal with these issues of mine. Now that I am being given the gift of weight loss surgery I will not be hidden anymore. This scares me more than most other things. The only thing that scares me more is staying hidden for the rest of my life.

Someone discouragingly said that weight loss surgery is the easy way out. It sure hasn't been easy so far. I have had to deal with a lifetime of issues and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I will be giving up my self comforting. All of the things I do now for comfort will be stripped from me. No sugar or carbs or alcohol. I will only be able to eat a small amount of food and mainly liquids for the first 2 months. I will have to take protein supplements and many vitamins for the rest of my life.Does that sound easy to you? It sounds pretty hard to me.

I believe I can do it. I know I can. I am being courageous. I am have the guts to change something about myself that I want to change. I am letting myself believe that the unknown is going to be more good than bad and that I can truly have the life I want to have.

Thanks for reading. I am not going to check for typos because I usually end up erasing all of what I wrote and I want to get this out there.