Jan 31, 2007

Widdle Kit

OK, so Fable, AKA, widdle Kit, my five month old kitten...has a fever with no other symptoms except lethargy, which, obviously is probably due to the fever. His fecal sample is negative for parasites, he is on antibiotics, though they aren't helping, and the next step is blood work to rule out viral infections and the serious stuff. He tested negative for feline leukemia. I am scared. I love the little guy and he is so cute. Please pray that he would be healed quickly, and that they would figure out what is wrong with him with too much more cost. I desperately hope it isn't serious like FIP because that is fatal and we will have to put him to sleep. If you know me, you know how much animals in general, but especially mine, mean to me.

Jan 28, 2007

For someone

I never thought that I would be here, I never thought that we would be here together...apart. We were so close...closer than best friends, closer than sisters...two parts of one person it seemed at times. We were there for each other at our best and at our absolute worse. We pulled each other up and sometimes dragged each other down. But we laughed...You can make me laugh harder than anyone...and make me cry too...Just as I am crying now.

When we were young we would talk about our troubles. Family trouble , boy trouble...body image trouble. We talked about broken hearts, broken dreams, our broken selves. I hated my life but you could always cheer me up. When we became adults we searched for ourselves . We were depressed, we were alone, but we were together. So many times sitting on the couch having nothing to do so we sang. Driving in the car to the store or on long road trips we would crank up the music and sing our guts out. We thought the stupidest things were funny. You could look at me and I would just start laughing...the good kind of laughing when no noise is coming out and your face gets all red,you can't breathe and you are close to peeing your pants, kind of laughing. I miss that. I miss you.

As time went on we wanted our lives to go somewhere. We wanted to make money. We wanted most of all to find love. We saw everyone around us falling in love and getting married. We wondered what was wrong with us. We always knew that God would have to bring our men to us at the same time. Otherwise the one of us without a man wouldn't be able to cope with the loss. We were right. I guess we never imagined that growing in those relationships would cause our relationship to grow apart.

So here we are at this unfamiliar place. I never could imagine going a day without talking to you and now it has been weeks. I haven't seen you in months. Honestly, I feel like you have died, even though you are actually just across town. I just want you to know that I love you so much. I hope this time will pass and we will be close again but until then please know that you will always be my best friend and I will always...always hold you and all of our years so close to my heart.


Jan 23, 2007


I want to acknowledge and thank all of my wonderful friends who read this blog and post comments. It is so encouraging to know that there are people who care enough about you to read your thoughts and leave comments. PS...Susan, I do read your blog but I am lame and don't write comments...I will from now on.

Jan 19, 2007

my sweetest addiction

So, I never wanted to be the kind of girl who collapsed whenever her man was away from her. In fact, I used to get annoyed by those people. All I can say is that it must have been because I wasn't married at the time. Mike has been gone for 3 days on a business trip and I honestly feel like a piece of me is missing. I go to sleep and he isn't there and I cry. I wake up in the middle of the night and he isn't there and I cry. I wake up in the morning and he isn't there and I cry. I smell his t-shirt. I sleep with his blankets. I look at his picture. I can't believe that he is only on a business trip because I feel like I am in mourning. He will be gone a few more days...can I make it? I love him so much. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. I cannot wait until he gets home. I am so addicted to my husband...it is nuts.


Here is the thing. This is MY blog. These are MY thoughts. My blog is cathartic and I use it to talk my way through things. I share my thoughts with people I know and love and expect my thoughts to not be used against me. I do NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES want someone to come to me and say that something I have said on MY blog should not have been said, because this is MY blog and that is the end of it.

A friend of mine who shall remain nameless wrote something completely benign and unoffensive in one of her blogs. She simply stated her opinion on something and mentioned no names, no details, and nothing that could in anyway be misconstrued as gossip or slander.

*Unfortunately, what she wrote was read by one person who told another person who called her and rebuked her for what she said. Even though this person had never read her blog before and had no idea who or what the post was actually about.

[this paragraph has been removed by the author to protect her friend.]

If this is anyway is used against my friend...so help me GOD! There will be serious consequences.

*this parargraph has been edited by the author to protect her friend

" and the spies came out of the water and you're feeling so good cause you know
that the spies hide out on every corner but they can't touch you, no, cause they're just spies"

Jan 9, 2007

Complete and utter despair

My head feels like it is going to explode. My eyes feel like someone has stapled them open and is throwing sand in them. This is usually how I feel when I cry that hard, gasping for breath deep, gutteral sobs shaking your body kind of cry. I feel so hopeless, so much like a complete worthless loser who is nothing but a drain on her friends and family. I honestly believe that financial stress is one of the worst kinds of stress. Obviously the death or illness of a loved one and marital discourse is worse, but being poor is extremely detrimental to your health. Without going into the whole story, I was delt a particularly hard blow to my confidence in myself and my abilities today and I don't know if the job I have been working so hard to get is going to work out. I mean, I went to school for 900 hours to learn massage one way and these people are telling me to do it a different way and are expecting me to relearn everything in what has been about three hours of training time. I am so frustrated. I am so tired of not being able to help Mike out financially. I am so tired of feeling guilty. I feel like I am just not meant to be happy. I am not asking for sports cars and a mansion, I just want to be able to pay our bills. Please help us, God. PLEASE.