Apr 26, 2005

good things

I love the rain and how it makes everything look more alive
I love the ocean in the winter and how the vastness makes my troubles seem small
I love the snow and the sound it makes when it is late at night
and no one else feels the need to be outside on the ground listening to the snow
I love the wind rustling through the trees and I imagine that it is God whispering that he loves me
I love waking up to a ray of sun on my face when on a road trip with my mother and sisters
and not knowing what state I am in
I love laughing so hard that no sound is coming out
I love the way my hair and skin smells when I have been outside all day
I love clean smelling cologne and how it makes any guy sexier
I love tatoos on nice boys
I love when people say good things about me and mean them
I love U2 and how the music stirs my soul
I love cute and furry animals
I love blue eyes and long eye lashes
I love my family and how they have to love me
I love to sing and creating music that no one will ever hear
I love when people write songs and poems about me
I love my antidepressant and how it makes me want to live

Apr 25, 2005

no mood for a title

I look out my window and see the same landscape as always but the scene has changed from winter to spring.I feel like I just looked yesterday and there were no leaves on the trees. Now there is so much to look at, so much to take in. The various shades of green alone are enough to occupy my mind for hours. I am staring now and so my thoughts go to my life.

I am a selfish girl. I often am so selfish that I do not even realize just how self centered I am. I want to feel safe, I want to feel loved, I want to feel happy. I keep taking and taking and feel like I am incapable of giving. I want to give. I want to be focused on someone else's needs for a change.
I want people to feel like they are better for knowing me. I wonder if anyone is better for knowing me. I mean, do I touch lives? I work in ministry but do I minister to anyone? Have I left my hand print on anyone's heart? God, please help me to be unselfish. Please make me a better person. Please, help me to stop staring and get back to work.

Apr 18, 2005


I feel like I should give up on trying to have normal things. I don't feel normal, I try to act normal but I can't keep up the facade for long. I have a huge fear of intimacy. I only let people get just so far and then I run away or turn my heart off or in the most horrible of scenarios, I act really mean so the person will leave me. Why do I do this? The answer seems obvious. I am fucked up. I am so fucked up and I feel robbed by those men who did things to me to make me like this. I have been in therapy for over a year. I have not made enough progress. I cannot live like this.

something in march

When I close my eyes and shut my ears to the demon of self-loathing
I can imagine being loved

When my ears and eyes are pried open by reality I realize that the hardest thing for me to believe is that you would even stand the sight of me
Because I am, in essence not beauty
I, in essence, can be the ugliest of all creation
I wish that I could be the loveliest like you

So adorable, so loveable and kind
Just like Jesus in your eyes and your soul
when I think of you I feel like you deserve so much better

Pain was the fire that refined who you are
Compassion comes from none being demonstrated
You were shown no beauty, now you find it where others do not look

You are the sweetest of all and everything beautiful
You are all that is right in this world
You are everything I could ever want
and everything I fear that I will never have

Apr 12, 2005

Like scarlet

Search me, oh God and know my heart test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.
I know that there is wickedness in me Lord. I know that I am a sinful person. I claim to know you yet continue in my sinful ways behind the veil of my mind. In the dark my sin is my companion; in the eternal void of night my sin is my only friend. But in the morning it shrinks back from the light and recedes into the shadows until night falls again. Shine into the shady places. Shine into them and expose the impurity. Burn them in your fire so that am pure as the most precious of gems.

Apr 11, 2005

no titles today

I have no desire to tell another living soul about this place. I do however have the desire to expel the oceans of thoughts in my brain. So,here they will be...these things in my brain ; out into the universe and out of my mind.