Oct 21, 2006
Oct 19, 2006
I was just chilling in bed flipping through a ton of nonsense on the telly when I landed on waves crashing on the shore at sunset. I felt this weird ball of heaviness in the middle of my chest moving up towards my throat like it was going to suffocate me, like I was going to have a panic attack. I burped and felt better. But then I realized that the ball of heaviness was still there and this time it was not gas, but emotion, and I started to get teary-eyed. I often have a hard time with feeling sad and not knowing why or feeling angry and not knowing the source. When I was little and I would act really bad, I would eventually just start crying and crying and my mom would have to ask me questions to try and help me figure out what was bothering me. It has gotten easier to find the source of emotion over the years. This time it was the beach scene. It reminded me of so many years down in Naples, Florida at my grandparents condo which was right on the gulf of mexico. It is no secret that my sisters and I had a tulmultuous childhood. We all experienced the same traumas in different ways but we all have the same memories . Anyway, every year we went down to florida to visit my grand parents. Now to give you a better view of what I am feeling I need to give you some more information. I was always in trouble as a child. ALWAYS. I was always getting yelled at and spanked and blamed for things and put on a diet when I wasn't fat and on and on. To make matters worse, I was popular at school, but not in the way I wanted. I was best friends with all of the popular boys and they all loved me, but not in THAT way. I was always the funny girl, the one the guys would talk to in order to figure out how to get the girl they wanted. Frustration, unrequited love, parents yelling, always in trouble, feeling no good, and completely wondering why God had me on this earth if he was just going to let me be tortured the entire time. So you get the point...I was in major pain and just wanted to feel loved. Naples is paradise. Palm trees, white sand, tropical flowers, rich people, hot tubs over looking the ocean kind of paradise. I didn't feel like I fit in there either except at night... At night when everyone else was asleep I would sneak onto the balcony which overlooked the beach and also had a clear view of the town of naples. I could hear the waves crash and look at the bright light of the town and just yearn for someone to love me. I just had this dream, this hope that someday I would experience what I was longing for, someday the vastnes of the ocean and the solitude and the beauty of those late nights on the balcony would no longer haunt me. My grandparents owned that condo my whole life and now, now that I am in love with the man of my dreams, now that I am experiencing that feeling of acceptance and rightness with the world, now that I can finally look out and understand that feeling of belonging, my grandparents sold the condo and I will never get to go there again. I was talking to Darby about this feeling and she understands how I feel. Naples was always welcoming, never changing, oasis. We still had our problems but the beauty of the place dressed them up for a while. I feel robbed. It is irrational and selfish but I feel like that place should always be readily available to me when I need to get some healing. Maybe I will someday have a million bucks and I can buy it. Until then it will be a beautiful memory...twinged with sadness, but beautiful nonetheless.
Oct 12, 2006
Since no one reads this I feel like I can be completely honest about how I am feeling. I can't be dark and poetic and mournful and clever right now. All I can do is sputter out broken thoughts and feelings and emotions and hope that I feel better inside. When I try to pinpoint the one big emotion in this whirling mess in my brain, I can only quiet my thoughts long enough to get out one word to sum up how I am feeling. struggling. I have been struggling my whole life and I feel so exhausted and tired of things being so difficult. Struggling to make ends meet monetarily, struggling to finish school, struggling to not gain more weight,struggling to lose the weight I have gained, struggling to not kill myself, to be a good wife ,to not say all the mean things that pop into my head to not do bizarre and irrational things that I feel prompted to do at regular intervals struggling to not be the bad sister the ungrateful child the embittered daughter the complainer the fat girl the unpretty one the loud one the mean one the unfriendly one the depressed one the hypochondriac the sick one the tired one the one who scares people the one who struggles her entire life. I realized that I am beyond fat. I am stuck in the most unfair cycle. I gain weight and get depressed, i go on lexapro so I don't kill myself, lexapro makes me gain weight and not able to lose it, I want to kill myself for being fat, I get off lexapro to lose weight , I want to kill myself again. uuuuuuuuuuug. I told mike to suffocate me with my pillow last night. He kept tickling me instead.