Nov 29, 2008


This is an honest post and it is not meant to manipulate or hurt anyone's feeling. It is just how I have been feeling lately.

I have always had a group of friends that I care about. Though people have come in and out of my life I have always had people that I knew would always be there for me. I felt that even if I didn't communicate with friends for awhile I knew that they were always there if I needed them. Always walking with me through life even if they were on a different path. I could just call and they would be there. This has always been a security to me. I haven't felt alone because I knew that there were people that care right there. If I called one friend and they didn't answer I knew I could call another and they would be there.

My friendships have always come so easily to me. I mean, these close friends of mine are such a joy to be friends with it hasn't been any work. I mean, sometimes we have hit a rough patch or two but these friendships have overcome those things.

To me it is tedious when you feel like a friendship is forced. I have had friendships where I have struggled to hang on to them because I really care about the person. I call them.But I realize they don't call me. I ask them to do stuff. But I realize that they are never asking me to do anything. I think maybe they are going through a rough time. Then I realize that they are calling people and doing things just not with me. I feel hurt but I let it blow over. I think that things will get better in time. But they don't. I then have to do the thing that I don't like to do. I stop calling. Stop asking them to do stuff and hope that it was just my imagination. I hope and pray that they reach out to me so I then can say that there really is a friendship there. It isn't me just hanging onto something that isn't really there.

All this to say that I sadly have realized that I have to let go of some of the friendships that I have been clutching to. I feel like I might just have to realize that these friendships have moved to a different stage. We won't talk on the phone. We won't hang out. We will kind of feel weird when we see each other because we used to be so close. These people have other people that are filling their social needs. I feel sad because I love them and hurt because I feel replaceable. I don't mean that I will shut them out. Of course I would love to be friends with them. I feel like I just can't force something that the other person or people don't want.

This may sound pathetic and maybe it is. But I feel really lonely for the first time in a long time. I mean lonely for friends besides Mike, though I love him dearly. My sisters are away and I feel like some of my friends really just don't care about me anymore. I hope this is just a phase but sadly, I don't think it is.

Nov 11, 2008

Yay for stuff

Here are some things I love so much so much right now...

My house-
I have some curtains up downstairs and some pictures up and it feels really cozy. It feels like home and I feel safe here.

My marriage-
Not to say that we still don't have our arguments but after three years of marriage things are working much better. I feel like I am getting the hang of things. Still, I have MUCH to learn.

My cats-
I always love my cats but I am learning that they are awesome little friends and I don't need a dog to entertain me. My cats are entertaining, smart(they sit for a treat),loyal(the figs always licks my tears away) and independent without being aloof. Plus they are extremely adorable.

My job-
It is two weeks a month plus a few days extra here and there. I am teaching the basics, after all it is an intro class. The school is small and only teaches massage. The other teachers are nice and the students are not going to "cut" anyone. HUGE step up in class, I must say.

Our country-
I am so happy that our country is ready for change and can stand up and say,"yeah, this isn't working for me" and DO something about it!

The holiday-
Always a happy time for me and I am really looking forward to getting people presents this year. I am especially looking forward to getting mike his Ipod touch. It isn't a surprise but he really wants and deserves it.

Welp that is all I am feeling like writing now.

Nov 9, 2008


This is my grandfather's obituary. Just thought I would post it.

John Williams Jr. of Middletown, formerly of Naples, Fla., and Springfield, Pa., passed away Saturday, Oct. 4, 2008. He was 89.
Mr. Williams was born Aug. 4, 1919, in Philadelphia, son of the late John and Irene (Evens) Williams.
After graduation from Olney High School in Philadelphia, Mr. Williams attended Pennsylvania State College (now University) and received a Bachelor of Science in chemical engineering in 1942. His numerous collegiate honors and activities included Sigma Tau, Tau Beta Pi and Pi Mu Epsilon.
As a communications officer with the United States Navy during World War II, he served on the aircraft carrier USS San Jacinto, the same vessel as President George H. W. Bush.
Mr. Williams was highly successful in the business world. He was an engineer and later co-owner of Pneumatics & Hydraulics, a company in Malvern, Pa.
For many years, he was an active member of St. James Methodist Church in Philadelphia; Covenant Methodist Church in Springfield, where he sang in the choir and headed the Men’s Club; and the United Church of Christ in Naples, an area to which he retired and lived with his wife for more than 30 years.
His community affiliations included the Rotary Club in Springfield and memberships in two golf clubs. In addition to golf, he was an accomplished athlete who excelled in baseball and basketball. In his later life, he became an avid ping pong player.
Next to his loving family, his favorite passion was golf. He belonged to Rolling Green Golf Club in Springfield for many years, during which he won a few championships. He played at the Vineyard Country Club and Quail Run Golf Club in Naples. He was happy with two holes in one.
Mr. Williams was a gifted musician. He played the piano by ear, deftly working out melodies without the use of written music, and he strummed the ukulele with ease.
He was highly intelligent, engaging, outgoing and known for his optimistic, positive approach to life. If someone asked how he was feeling, his quick reply would be “Terrific!” Never one to take himself too seriously, he sometimes referred to himself whimsically as “Big Bad John.”
Equally comfortable in both individual conversations and large groups, his genuine love of people showed in his generosity to charitable causes and support of the arts. Attending plays and the Naples Philharmonic were especially pleasurable pastimes.
The hallmarks of his life included those of a multi-talented man with wide-ranging interests, and above all, an abiding love for family and friends.
In addition to his parents, he was preceded in death by a brother, Winfield; a sister-in-law, Louise W. Felton; and two brothers-in-law, Maurice P. Felton and William M. Felton.
He is survived by his devoted wife of 62 years, Mable Elizabeth “Bette” (Felton) Williams, whom he married June 1, 1946; a daughter and a son-in-law, Joan F. W. and Robert A. DiNatale of Middletown; a son, John Douglas Williams and his partner, George Hizny, of Fort Lauderdale, Fla.; three granddaughters and three grandsons-in-law, Darby Elizabeth and Jason Latshaw, Meredith Lee and Michael Morris, and Lindsay Felton and Collin Palkovitz; two great-grandchildren, Lyric Elizabeth Latshaw and Oliver Seth Latshaw; and two sisters-in-law, Myrtle Felton and Rose Williams.
Mr. Williams’ family extends a warm thank you to Dr. Beth Renzulli and her ever-loyal aide, Erika Cruz and to Kelly McKay of Delaware Hospice.
Services are private.
Memorial contributions may be sent to Delaware Hospice Inc., 911 S. DuPont Highway, Dover, DE 19901.
Arrangements by Daniels & Hutchison Funeral Home LLC, Middletown.

Nov 5, 2008

Last night I started sobbing because I remembered that Poppop died. It was like a person with Alzheimer's. I literally didn't remember and then I was hiding under my sheets looking at them and I realized that they used to be Mommom and Poppop's and I was like,"Oh I feel like I haven't seen Poppop in forever I should...Oh he is dead."Sob Sob Sob. I started talking and I told God to give him the message if he(PP) couldn't hear me and then I heard really loudly in my head,"I LOVE YOU MURRY". It was his voice and I know it was him.Even now I am crying....cause he was so wonderful and such a special special person.

Yeah, I know I wrote Murry. That is how my mom's side of the family says my name. Why does it hurt so much inside. He had such a long and great life. I want him here. I miss him so much.

Nov 4, 2008

Election day

Welp, I voted. It was a piece a cake. Well it was a little difficult finding the place. It looked like a liquor store from the street. Waaaaaait....maybe it was. No WONDER there was no line. Anyway, I did push some buttons so hopefully it works out. I feel a little nervous in my stomach. I really want my candidate to win. I REALLY do. I truly believe that it would be best for the country. Sorry this is lame, I am distracted by the news.

Nov 2, 2008

I am feeling bad today so I guess I will just write and hope that I feel better when I am done.I am not going to worry about paragraphs or grammer.Here it goes. I feel sad today. I got my period which is a good thing except for the fact that it means that I am not pregnant...yet again. Mike and I have been officially trying for over a year. I have been trying(and maybe God is punishing me) for the past three years. Mike and I have already resolved the fact that I was trying to have a baby when he wasn't onboard. True to Mike's style he forgave me right away and told me that he kind of knew. Anyway, I am 31...closer to 32 and I want a baby really badly. I didn't always want a baby in fact, I thought that it would be better for a child if they didn't inherit my family's, um, ahem, issues. I also thought that perhaps I was responsible enough, or healthy enough, or unselfish enough. But you know, after years of seeing complete idiots having children I am fairly certain that I would be a great mom. I think Mike would be a great dad. We have a cozy home and I know that we would give a child so much love. I really knew that I would have trouble concieving and that isx why I starting trying so early. I thought it was ridiculous to use birth control when I knew I wasn't getting pregnant. I also struggle with feeling like I don't deserve to concieve easily. I feel like I have waited for everything I have wanted. I feel like my life has always been a huge struggle. Why not now? I also feel like I brought it on myself because of being overweight. Arg. That is all I feel like writing now. I need help. Mike and I are going to a fertility doctor in a few weeks. I just hope there is some help.