Today I can't pull myself out of the sadness. It makes it all the worse because so many others are experiencing more pain than I. That is the thing about chemical depression it can't really be explained other than something is wrong in my brain. I do the right things or at least I do as much as I can. I am taking my medicine. I am exercising albeit not as much as I should. I try to remember my blessings and not focus on bad stuff. It is just this sad fog in my brain. It's a chore to get out of bed. It takes a lot of energy to get showered and dressed. My body is in pain. I feel so guilty. Why can't I just be happy?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. (Prov 3.5-6).

Something I have read and heard a thousand times at least. The six pence none the richer song often plays in my head at times of turmoil. It is such a simple thing to ask someone to do. Trust me. You don't understand what is going on, so just trust ME because I do. Why can't I do that? I mean, He has never steered me wrong. I have never trusted God and then been let down. Why can't I just realize that I don't know what is going on? I need help. I mess things up...a lot. Recently, I have been making one mistake after another. I think I am making a good decision but then it blows up in my face. I think that I am doing well and then something or someone reminds me that, "you know what? you kind of suck." I do kind of suck at a lot of stuff. I have had a lot on my mind lately and when my brain is filled up with questions and tossing waves of obsessive thoughts I have a hard time doing things that I am supposed to do. Clean the house, do the dishes, go food shopping, deposit my paycheck. Even going swimming is a chore though I love to do it. Mike comes home for work and is just kind of sad that I didn't do anything. He isn't a jerk. He is wonderful but it makes him really sad when I don't take care of things he has trusted me to take care of. So, if I make Mike sad and he can't trust me to take care of things why do I trust myself to make things better for myself. Shouldn't I just trust the One who never gets things wrong? Who never let's any of us down? I should and I want to. Even just writing this gives me the hope that I will start to trust Him and have the peace that passes my understanding.

This is just a hard and crappy time for so many people. I hear something new everyday, about someone being ill or someone's child dying or other horribly sad things going on in the world. It is just so hard to have peace but we have to. We have to believe that there is Someone who knows what He is doing and that all things work together for good. I have to believe it. I do believe it.

right now

Thanksgiving is next week and I cannot believe it. In celebration I thought I would relive some Thanksgiving memories from my past.

I remember several Thanksgivings where I would wake up in the morning and my mother would already have the turkey in the oven and the smell would be permeating the house. One year she made this delicious date and nut bread that I slathered with butter. I made a huge glass of Nesquik, which we rarely had, and went to the spare bedroom to watch the Macy's parade. I think we usually had some family or friends over and when we ate I would eat way too much Turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy, stuffing(oyster stuffing is my favorite) cranberry sauce(the kind without whole berries and straight from the can, and pumkin or German chocolate pie for dessert. Then I would take a nap. For dinner we would have leftovers.

The end.

sooooorrrry.

So, maybe you have seen that I have been over dramatic lately. hyper sensitive, if you will. Well, you see, yes, be prepared to be shocked...I forgot to take my medicine, yet AGAIN. Why don't I just remember to take it and all will be well. When I take it I don't get offended easily, I don't blow up situations when they are really small. I don't want to quit my job or think I am getting fired when someone says something negative at work.Most importantly, I don't freak out and feel like I don't know my husband because he shaves his face or says one tiny thing that throws me off guard. ARGGG! Sorry, to all who have been affected by my non medicated behavior.

frowny face

You know, something has been on my mind lately and I need to get it out. Fat people have feelings too, damn IT. Seriously, you can't make fun of gay people, and rightfully so, without getting into a load of trouble, I got in trouble at work for calling a situation retarded, and if you say anything about someone who is physically handicapped you are a douche bag. So, why are people still allowed to say stuff about fat people? It is the subject of so many jokes and people think it is perfectly ok to say mean things about overweight people. Well, it hurts. Mike and I have been made fun of at various times of our lives for being overweight and it is really painful. Movies that are portraying an unattractive person always show someone who is really overweight. on Friends when it was "fat monica" she acted metally challenged, like you can't be normal or cool if you are overweight. Friends say to my face that it isn't a big deal and that overweight people can be attractive but they would never find someone who is overweight attractive. It makes me really angry.

Fatty, out.

paddled

I attended Christian school my whole life. I think that for the most part I had a good experience and am really grateful that my parents made the sacrifice to send us there. Mike's parents sacrificed a lot to send him to Christian school and I know he is grateful as well. Some of the things that I loved about Christian school was the sense that God was real. I mean, everyone I know believed that he was real and that Jesus was our savior and the answer to that age old question of what happens to you when you die. I knew where I was going. I knew that the answers to all my spiritual questions were in the Bible. It was a very secure feeling and for a kid in a unstable family that security was mighty nice.
The music/drama class was great. We put on children's musicals for Christmas and then again in the spring. It was so fun and those shows are some of my favorite memories.

There are of course things I didn't like as well but the main one I can think of is the corporal punishment. Paddling. I was paddled. Twice. Twice for things that were not paddle worthy in my mind. I was spanked by my teacher with a huge wooden paddle while the principal watched. It hurt and it was humiliating. I just got the chills thinking about it.
I believe that no one has the right to strike your child. I cannot believe it was legal.

That feeling of being paddled, that humiliation and pain still is very real and fresh.

Today, I feel like I was paddled. Not physically, but it hurt and humiliated me just the same.

I was going along fine minding my own business thinking everything is fine and then BAM! I got in trouble at work. Apparently some students complained about a few things. Some are true...I have a horrible habit of calling something retarded when I think it is wrong. Some were completely false. I tried to handle it but I just started crying. My boss felt bad. he was just doing his job. But it hurt. I cried all the way home and I cried at home. Mike brought me flowers and he cheered me up in other ways. I still feel like I got paddled. I feel like I always get in trouble. In essence it wasn't even a huge deal. It isn't like I am on probation or in big trouble or anything. I just feel at 32 that I am too old to get in trouble. Please tell me I am not the only one who still gets in trouble.

By the way, Mike just used the word retarded to describe a situation. I think I need to paddle that boy.