Apr 26, 2009

Random thoughts

I didn't sleep well last night because I could get to a comfortable temperature and now I have a headache that feels like a hangover headache. Yucky.

Yesterday morning I laid down on my front porch and read. I was at eye level with my flowers and if I didn't lift my head and ignored the traffic sounds it was almost like being in the country. Almost.

I decided yesterday that today would be the day I stopped eating sugar. It was going really well until I woke up. I forgot and put sugar in my coffee. So, maybe I will just say today is the day I start cutting back my sugar intake.

Some of you may have seen my cats do their trick but for those of you who have not experienced the wonder of the Amazing Figs and Fiona Show in which they both, that's right BOTH defy nature and gravity by (drum roll please).......SITTING FOR A TREAT...where was I going with this, ah yes, they have both officially stopped learning. The Figs plants his butt before I get a chance to say sit and won't budge. Fiona jumps up and then sits when I tell her. When I try to teach her something else she will just sit as if to say,"There. Now give me the damn treat". Oh well.

Apr 14, 2009

Over it.

Ok, I am better now. I know that I am beautiful.

Apr 13, 2009

She looks so happy in pictures. the little girl with the messy brown hair. Her mom tried to make it look pretty but it can't be tamed. In fact, people have been trying to tame certain aspects of her personality and her looks for years to no avail. She is incorrigible.

She has a twinkle in her eye like she's playing a game. A strange little smile. She knows something she isn't telling you. She finds something funny but she isn't letting you in on the joke. She is mischievous.

They say she is a trouble maker. She has no self control. She talks all the time and won't do her work. She is a disruption to the class. She is messy.She is disorganized. She doesn't turn her homework in. Her handwriting is sloppy. She is a smart child but she doesn't do what she is supposed to. She is bad.

Her parents are always yelling at her. She tries to do what is right but it isn't easy. She wants to make them proud of her. She wants to be good.Her sisters are good. She is disappointing.

She lies a lot. She lies to get attention. She lies to get out of trouble. She lies to make herself feel better. She is a liar.

She gets older and develops physically before all the other girls.Boys do bad things to her. They say things and touch her in ways that make her feel sick. She hates it but she likes the attention.She makes jokes so she doesn't cry. She makes them laugh too so they don't laugh at her.

People call her ugly. She doesn't understand why. They say she is fat. She doesn't know why her body is different from every one else's. She doesn't look like her sisters. They are skinny. People tell her that she should look like them. They say that her sisters are beautiful. They are beautiful.

They say that she is not beautiful. They say that she is not beautiful. They say that she is not. She is not beautiful.

Apr 12, 2009


So when I was younger I was constantly being compared to Darby. She was this legendary girl who was so beautiful and popular that people all around Delaware knew who she was. Every state we went to and every new situation it was always the same thing, Darby was this amazing creature that guys would just fall for. So when I was getting ready to go to Wilmington Christian mid 7th grade my best friend Missy told me that boys were already interested in me before I even got there based solely on the fact that I was Darby's sister.

Sadly, I disappointed a lot of people. Seriously, I did. I would be introduced and then someone would inevitable ask me what my last name was. As soon as I said Di Natale, I saw their eyes bug out. "You are Darby's sister???!!!" They would gawked incredulously. "She's beautiful. You don't look ANYTHING like her".

You think I am exaggerating but I am not. Once some guy even said,"You're sisters? But she is pretty and you are ugly". This cut me so deeply. After Darby graduated I thought I might get some relief until Lindsay started WCS and everyone called her "little Darby"."Oh my gosh, you look SO much like Darby". Grrreat.

So, I have never gotten over that pain but I guess I kind of buried it. It has always come up at odd times. I don't feel beautiful and I never really have. I don't believe Mike finds me beautiful.

Anyway, today Mike and I went to EP with Mike's parents for Easter. It is the church Mike grew up in and there was a guy that went to High school with us. Mike introduced me as his wife, Merry. I remembered this guy because he used to "go out" with my sisters best friend. I car- pulled with her and therefore saw this kid a lot. He had no idea who I was and I didn't bring up the whole scenario from high school. Mike said I went to Wilmington Christian and I made the HORRIBLE mistake, naively thinking that it was safe to say, you might have know my sister, Darby. This guy proceeds to smirk and make this weird face and say," Wow, you look REALLY different from Darby". He literally made a face like, "Who hit you with the ugly stick". I felt like I was going to cry. I am 32 years old and I felt like that ugly little girl standing next to her beautiful sister again. I talked to Mike about it and he confirmed the fact that it was really sad because that guy really did say it the way I interpreted it and he did make a weird face.

Anyway, I just thought I would share that 2 years of counseling have now been flushed down the toilet, I will probably develop bulimia again, and plunge into self hatred all because of this walking anus's mean comment and facial expression.I feel so completely fat and ugly. I just want to never leave the house again. Happy fucking Easter to me.

Apr 10, 2009

My sensitive palate

You know, I am a really picky eater. You might not think so to see me because well, I am overweight and it looks like I love food. I do love some food but on the whole I find, even more so now than when I was younger, that there isn't too much that I find delicious. There aren't too many foods that I think are a taste sensation(one of my favorite things to declare something). More often than not these days I find myself saying,"This is NOT a taste sensation".

For instance, I used to love Chinese food. Or at least I thought I did. Tonight I realized that I like aspects of Chinese food. I like crispy noodles. I like egg rolls. I like duck sauce. I like a few bites of general Tso's or Sesame chicken but then I get sick of it. I tasted the Wanton soup that Mike said was tasty. I wrinkled my nose mid bite and said,"Not tasty". I ate some of my pan fried noodles with chicken. It was tolerable but I primarily enjoyed the soy sauce I put on top of it. I didn't eat much and Mike can have my left overs.

We get pizza one a week usually. That is because I am married to a bonafide pizza LOVER. I was going to say pizzaholic but I HATE when people add -aholic to stuff. It makes no sense. It would be pizzaic or chocolateic or shopic. Anyway, Mike can eat pizza everyday. That is not an exaggeration. When we were dating I believe he ate some form of pizza everyday. He thinks it is delicious. Sometimes I think pizza is delicious but it has to be perfect. I like pizza, don't get me wrong, but it takes a lot for me to really love a piece of pizza. I think odd things are delicious. I think they are odd. Saltine crackers with butter. I place the butter on the salted side and place that side on my tongue. I let the butter melt a little and then smell the cracker. Smelling the wet saltine makes it more delicious. I think that is DELICIOUS. I could eat that everyday. Cinnamon Toast crunch in ice cold milk. DELICIOUS. Actually, I like a lot of cereal in milk.

Anyway, that was on my mind.