No purpose. Giving nothing, creating nothing. Darkness where there should be light. Sadness where there should be a smile. Huge black hole always wanting more. No relief. No satiation. Someone always wants but no one wants to give. I reach out but no one is there. No one can give me what I need.

August 18th

On this date in 1974 one of the world's best people was born. My sister, Darby. Ever since I was born she has been my of my best friends and one of the most talented, beautiful, loving, kind, and funny people I have ever met. She is truly amazing.

Every year when we were young, I would look forward to her birthday almost as much as I looked forward to mine. Now granted, when I was very young I didn't understand that Darby's birthday meant that SHE got presents and I did NOT. This really cranked me out. I have pictures of me pouting my lower lip out while darby is smiling with her new doll in hand. The story goes that I went around the whole day with the aformentioned pouty lip saying. "Merry March" or "Murry Mawch" because of my speech impediment. Which of course meant, "I don't get presents until March and I am really VERY unhappy about it. " But you know, I was three, so, Murry Mawch is as good as it got. Anyway, as I got older I understood that the present thing, though it stung, was pretty normal. I did NOT however, like the fact that she got to have camp outs in the tent or go to the beach or any other variety of awesome summer activities while March was always around 30 degrees.

Through the years we had very many happy memories of her birthdays though as we got older we didn't/don't get to spend them together anymore. This hurts but I know that she is being celebrated for the wonderful person that she is.

So, Happy birthday, Dawby! I love you soooo much!!

Nice

So yesterday I started the HCG homeopathic drop diet. I felt pretty shitty yesterday. I had a horrible headache and really couldn't think well. However, I am happy to report that I didn't feel hungry and today I saw that I have lost 3.1lbs. I also feel a lot perkier so, I'm going to stick with it.

That's all I feel like saying just now.

August

Well, it is officially August. That makes me happy because I call September fall even though it is technically still summer. Can I just say that I hate the hot weather? Cause I do. I have said that before and I will say it again. Right now I am sweating and sitting in my pajamas writing on the computer. It is 12:42pm and I still haven't taking a shower and officially started my day. I have managed to clean the kitchen which is one thing that I do regularly. I can do the kitchen and the dishes. One thing I can not do is the stove top burners. They are disgusting and crusted with black gunk. How do I get it off? I tried soaking it and a bunch of cleaning products. The gunk does not budge. The day I find the remedy for that is a happy day in my book.

Also, I managed to watch part of a black and white movie with Carol Kane when she was younger. Some movie where she is a Russian Jew back in the early 1900 and she comes to America where she finds her husband Americanized. It is really interesting.

Last night when I was trying to fall asleep I started thinking about how it was odd that we are called Americans. Russians.Canadians.Indians. But then there are the Irish, French, Scots. It's weird. At least it was at 2:00am.

As I sit here sweating I realize that my right armpit smells a little stinky. My left one smells fine and I have noticed that before. Right pit stinky. Left pit fine. I wonder why that is.

I'll leave you with that delightful thought as I go and take a shower.