Jan 31, 2009

Things are pretty fine

Things have been going pretty well lately. I have been working double shifts which means I am gone from 7:45am until about 10:45pm monday through thursday and then hav a normal shift on Friday. It has been rough but only because my body is rebelling against me. I always get this excruciating pain in my scapula area which then refers pain to my chest. I first got it at my first teaching job when I was working days and nights and it was so painful I thought I was having a heart attack. Well anyway, I am finishing up the double shifts this week and then I will have my usual two weeks off. I need it to recover. Hopefully I will never have to work double shifts again unless I need the money.

We are having Brian and Nina over tonight. We always enjoy being with them. I have been much more social lately and I realize that it is easier for me to be social when I have exercised. I guess my social anxiety is body issue related.

That all I want to say for now.

Jan 25, 2009

Support forums

So, I will be honest, as usual. I have struggles with things that I am sure a lot of people struggle with but generally when you are feeling bad you tend to feel alone also. I have wonderful family and friends that I can talk to when I need support but I have also tried some online forums that are geared towards encouragement for certain issues. I find them to be useless. The reason I find them useless is that everyone on there is in so much pain that they aren't really looking to help they are looking to get help. At least, that is what it seems. I have joined 2. I have tried to encourage people but when I write something I get very few responses and the ones I get are pretty lame. Usually they are just an emoticon. Like I write something sad and someone just responds with a sad smiley. Helpful. I just decided that I can't do it anymore. Maybe I am needy but it just seems sad that a support forum ends up making a person feel worse. Oh well. I hope they help some people.

In other news: These coming two weeks are going to be really rough for me. I will be working 11 hours days. Prayer would be appreciated.

Jan 15, 2009

I wish I wasn't such a slave to my emotions. Like right now I am sitting on the sofa watching Bringing Baby Home(which I really should not do) and feeling really cranky that I can't have a baby. This crankiness then turns into a feeling of hopelessness. I feel like I will never ever ever have a baby. I feel like a spoiled brat because I want one. I do not want to adopt. I want to conceive and carry a child. I want that baby to be a part of Mike and me. I want a baby now. I do not want to wait until I am older. I am almost 32. I feel like that is old enough. We have been trying for over two years. I am so tired of waiting.

On the flip side. I know God has a plan. I know that there are children that need homes. I know that babies are life changing and it can be really tough. I know that I probably brought on my trouble myself because I am fat. I know that there are people who have been trying for much longer than we have. People who have lost babies. People who have lost older children. I know all this. But... still.

Sorry I keep posting lame things.