May 27, 2009

Yesterday

So, in case you were wondering and I am sure you all were, the disclaimer that you have to read before you get to my site is just a precaution because anyone can click on my name and get to my blog. Sometimes I say curse words or sometime I might want to say something that isn't child appropriate. So that is that.

I had a good day. I started therapy again with my favorite therapist at PCPC, Kim Champion. She is a great match for me therapist/patient wise. She isn't pushy but is also not too passive. I am really good at working things out as long as I have someone that I can talk to that doesn't interrupt me and helps me to see truth. My family interrupts a lot. I interrupt too but not as often as someone I love very much named my mother. It feel wonderful to be the center of focus and to know that I am getting healthier. It feels wondeful to be able to talk and talk and know that it is getting me somewhere.YAY! I love therapy. The first time I was in therapy for over a year. We will see how long it will be this time.

Also, keeping with trying to get healthier( I don't like to say,"trying to get healthy" because I am not an unhealthy person. I have a few glitches that need to be worked out). I joined and aquatic center and took a deep water walking class. It is great because it is hard but you don't feel how hard it is until you are out of the water and trying to walk on land.

I have a fertility appointment tomorrow and hopefully I get on a good track. I am really beginning to believe that as soon as I take care of some issues in therapy and start getting my body in shape I will get pregnant.

Prayer would be highly appreciated.

May 25, 2009

Feeling better

So, I realize that most of the times that I feel depressed and hopeless it is really brought on my either my emotions or hormones being completely out of control. Can you blame a girl who hadn't gotten her period in nearly three months? I think not. I am feeling much better now but still have an appointment on Friday to see if they can help with regulating the periods.

Also, I am going back to my therapist starting Wednesday. I feel like I need help with certain issues and that help needs to be professional.

I seem to either have a fear of failure or a fear of success in areas. Losing weight. Having a baby. Having a dog. With the last two it is also a fear of responsibility or a fear of my life changing to the point of being uncomfortable. I like comfort. I feel like I spend my whole life striving for comfort. It is bizarre to me. I hate not being able to sleep when I want or eat when and what I want. Maybe it is a control thing. Maybe it is a rebellion thing. I don't know and this is why I need help. My therapist really helped me with getting over my fear of men and that was a doozie. After I went through therapy for that issue I ended up being open enough to date and marry my love, Michael. It was perfect timing. Of course, having a baby is also a physical struggle. Things aren't working well. But that is kind of how it was with dating. There didn't seem to be any men around that I had a connection with. I am hoping that when I get my issues worked out I will then be able to conceive.

Anyway, things are looking much brighter and more hopeful. Just thought I would share.

May 18, 2009

torture

In this exact moment I feel like I hate life. I feel so frustrated and sad and I feel like a huge ball of furious tears is going to tear through my chest in about a second.

I need HELP and I can't get it. I called my previous therapist to see if I could meet with her and she never called back.

I need to go to the doctor and I called aetna to get the name of a gyno and a referral for an ultrasound and their fucking system is down.

I feel so horrible. So so horrible inside.

my dream

Last night I dreamed that I kept taking pregnancy tests and they came out positive. I even took one that showed a range of how far along you are and it said 6-9 weeks. I told my mom and she told Darby before I got a chance to and I was really angry at her. This is a frustrating dream because I haven't had my period in 73 days. Just thought I would share.

May 14, 2009

My flowers


Here is a picture of some of my flowers.Nice, HUH?

Seriously, I don't mind where I live anymore. I really think my house is so cute even though it is tiny. However, if it were bigger I am sure I would have even MORE trouble keeping it clean. I would really appreciate some more closets and shelves. We have no closet space. One closet in our bedroom and this little nothingburger (as mom would say) closet in the spare room.

Anyway, the area outside is still not completely lovely but I have made it much better looking with flowers. I find flowers so wonderful. It can make even the crappiest of places look cute. I know these people that I love dearly. Their house needs a lot of work due to lack of money and illness which has caused this one person that I love to not do quite as much as he would like to do. Now his wife, who is a precious precious person has done an amazing job of making her gardens looks wonderful. When I look at the house all I see are well placed brights and beautiful flowers. As a matter of fact...When I was first introduced to these people I told their son that I thought the house was cute. He laughed and said,"You are really nice". I was confused.He explained that the house needed a ton of cosmetic work. Strange thing is that I had no recollection of said work to be done.The next time that I was looking for the crappiness I found it. It blew my mind that I hadn't seen it in the first place. All because of the distracting flowers.

Right now I am looking out my screen door at a hanging basket that my parents bought me. I brought some of my roses inside and put them in a vase. I hear birds chirping(the nest that mike wants to move so he can sleep past 5:00am.) I am sitting on my loveseat listening to the 80's music station on Comcast. Figgy pudding is meowing because he wants to go outside.I am getting my hair done tonight.

All is right with the world.

May 11, 2009

weird symptoms

Something is wrong with me again. I haven't had my period in 2 months, I have had a pain in my right ovary area. I am extremely light headed and tired. I am not pregnant or at least that is what the pregnancy tests say. I go to the doctor tomorrow and hopefully get some help. I think it would be awesome if I really was pregnant but I know that I am not. grr.

May 9, 2009

Mother

Some things I love about my mother

1. She is the epitome of a "sunny" personality.
2. She is encouraging
3. She is adventurous
4. She is great at decorating and making things look nice
5. She was always nice to my friends growing up
6. She throws a fun party
7. She is spontaneous
8. She is generous
9. She has grown a lot and is willing to admit her mistakes
10. She loves me unconditionally

May 7, 2009

Bad dreams

When I was younger I used to take this stuff to help me sleep and it worked really well. I recently started taking it again in order to sleep better and I have found that I have been having horrible dreams. Nightmares, I would say.

I have had a dreamed that Mike slept with someone else.

I dreamed that I was in Naples, Florida where my grandparents used to live but a lot of the gulf of mexico had dried up.It was creepy and horrible looking.

I dreamed that I was kidnapped by the father of a friend from childhood because he was obsessed with me.

The strange thing about the Florida one was that I used to have this nightmare again and again that I was standing on the balcony and the water was really rough and had huge waves. The water just kept rising until it was right up to the bottom of the balcony which meant that everything under the 7th floor of the building was covered in the water.The balcony was crumbling underneath me and I could see huge whales swimming really close to me. It was terrifying.

I also have this dream that I am in my parents neighborhood but mansions have been built up all around it. The a war breaks out and it turns out to be the 3rd world war.

I think I will stop taking the Melatonin.

May 2, 2009

Fussy

Mike has always called me fussy. He has also made up nicknames that are variations of the word fuss. The most commonly used one is Fussa. Today I am completely fussy. My body aches and everything is annoying me. I feel discontent and am going through my wanting a dog phase.What is my problem? Anyway, I am not allowed to have a dog. I just want to know what this sickness is that keeps thinking,"this time I can do it". Like I said, I can't have a dog so the point is moot but it still bothers me.

I am fussy cause I don't want to feel like I am always discontent. I want to choose to be happy but right now it is hard. I want to eat but I want to be thin. I want to stay home all the time but I also get bored and want to work. We also need the money. I want a baby but I cannot have one. I love my garden but I am impatient for the flowers to bloom. I love who Mike is but I want him to be perfect. I love being in Godspell but I am also annoyed by it.

I hate this post but I am gong to puplish it anyway.