Oct 12, 2006

Since no one reads this I feel like I can be completely honest about how I am feeling. I can't be dark and poetic and mournful and clever right now. All I can do is sputter out broken thoughts and feelings and emotions and hope that I feel better inside. When I try to pinpoint the one big emotion in this whirling mess in my brain, I can only quiet my thoughts long enough to get out one word to sum up how I am feeling. struggling. I have been struggling my whole life and I feel so exhausted and tired of things being so difficult. Struggling to make ends meet monetarily, struggling to finish school, struggling to not gain more weight,struggling to lose the weight I have gained, struggling to not kill myself, to be a good wife ,to not say all the mean things that pop into my head to not do bizarre and irrational things that I feel prompted to do at regular intervals struggling to not be the bad sister the ungrateful child the embittered daughter the complainer the fat girl the unpretty one the loud one the mean one the unfriendly one the depressed one the hypochondriac the sick one the tired one the one who scares people the one who struggles her entire life. I realized that I am beyond fat. I am stuck in the most unfair cycle. I gain weight and get depressed, i go on lexapro so I don't kill myself, lexapro makes me gain weight and not able to lose it, I want to kill myself for being fat, I get off lexapro to lose weight , I want to kill myself again. uuuuuuuuuuug. I told mike to suffocate me with my pillow last night. He kept tickling me instead.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

i hope the fact that I am now reading this blog won't affect your honesty..

Anonymous said...

no, of course not. I will continue to be honest, in fact it would kill me not to be.

Anonymous said...

merry, i miss you terribly. i hope you are well. i like your honesty so much.