Beautiful in God's Eyes

I don't want to be a bitter person and I would say that I have try very hard not to be one. I have gone through counseling to deal with childhood traumas and when I hear myself speaking in a bitter way about something or someone, I try to give it to God. I have been bitter about things in the past and I realized after desperately hanging on to my anger, that no matter how "good" it felt to remain angry at people, letting go felt sooo much better. Welp, I find myself fighting bitterness about an issue/situation that happened more than a year ago at my former place of employment and ministry, A DOOR OF HOPE. Now, I know I mentioned the issue before but for those who just recently stared reading my blog, I will briefly recap. In a nutshell...I came back from a missions trip in '01 completely on fire and desiring to work in ministry for the rest of my life. I ended up at ADOH where my spirit and passion slowly got completely beaten out of me by the incredibly corrupt hierarchy that was the "upper management".(there were only a few of us working there.) Anyway, After nearly 4 years of seeing this place go from bad to worse and being treated in an appallingly non Christ like way, the camel's back was broken. I was told that if I didn't tell the girls that were coming in that they were going to hell, I was going to be fire for not telling the whole gospel. I did share the gospel. I shared the grace that God had given us by sending Jesus to die so that we didn't have to. But that wasn't good enough for my immediate supervisor (who was a nurse and had no training in counseling but was telling me how to counsel) and the Executive Director who was so far set apart from the work that we were doing that she couldn't even see how telling these hurting girls that they were going to hell would do more harm than good. Anyway, to make a long story short I was searing my conscience and grieving the holy spirit every time I tried to do what they wanted me to. So I quit. Eventually the Supervisor was let go for lying and for generally not doing her job and has been in and out of mental institutions ever since. The director left after her assistant who was really running the ministry left and she (and the board of directors) figured out that she was a sham. See....bitterness. I don't want to be happy that they have suffered. But I am. I feel guilty and hopefully I won't be glad at their suffering forever. Anyway, the reason I am thinking about it now is that I was given a book to read as punishment for not telling the girls about hell. It is called Beautiful in God;s Eyes by Elizabeth George and it is utter shit. I just found it the other day and tried to read a bit and Mike threw it away because it is so destructive to my thoughts. It tells you that in order to be beautiful in God;s eyes (because I am ugly right now) I must be a perfect house wife, call my husband whenever I go anywhere, never question my husband's decisions, do all the housework and never ask my husband for help, have dinner on the table and massage his feet every night. I kid you not. The list goes on and on and it is completely backwards and ridiculous. So. like I said, Mike threw it away. Thank God for my wonderful husband who I do nice things for because I love him. Thanks God for seeing me as beautiful because of what Jesus did not what I do.

You know what is sooo good?

Pumpkin scones from Starbucks
rold gold honey wheat pretzel twists
cold milk with hot chocolate powder floating on the top
frozen cool whip
annie Ann's original pretzels with sweet mustard
the sweet hot mustard from hickory farms
Williams-sonoma mulling spices
Darby's pumpkin roll
Fresh Gingerbread cookies w/ frosting
eggnog
Those soft old fashion candy canes that melt in your mouth
Brach's Christmas tree nougats
the pre-made cookie dough squares (not cooked)
iced chai w/ a 1/2 of gingerbread from brew
Panera's broccoli cheddar soup
Panera's cobblestone muffins
Panera's pumpkin muffies

My friends

I have some good friends that I haven't seen in awhile and I just want to talk about them.

First there is Laura. Laura is a wonderful friend who makes me feel normal and I love her. She is beautiful and she is smart and creative and I hate when she is not around for me to hang out with. My life is better when she is in it and I haven't seen her in so long that a piece of my heart is hurting.It would be perfection to see her again.

My friend Emily made my life at ADOH bearable and I had so much fun living with her because she rocks. When she left the laughter stopped and I began to feel smashed and suffocated and it ended in one big ball of badness. We laughed, we made ham, we did the coldplay dance, we watched the weather channel and drank coffee.We always laugh when we are together and it would be heavenly to see her again.

My friend Elizabeth and I go way back . We have been through so much together. We lived together for like 3 years and we understand each other. We were inseparable until we both found our soul mates. I haven't seen her in awhile and it is so sad because the thought of her not being my best friend makes me feel sick.

I need my friends. I love my friends. I have other close friends but I have been thinking about these three for quite some time. I miss them. I love them. The End.