I' been staring for a while. I don't know how long it has been. It may have been minutes, maybe hours. I feel like I should look at the clock. I don't look at the clock because I really don't care what time it is. Everything hurts. It hurts to move, to think, to try to cheer up. It all takes effort that I just don't want to expend.

I ask myself the same questions that I always do. I hate these questions. I feel so fucking pitiful. I feel like I should be past all this by now. Who AM I for fucks sake? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I have what I want? Why do I feel so sorry for myself? Why do I want to do things that are harmful to me and why for the LOVE OF GOD don't I change what I don't like about myself.

I just want to sleep. I just want too be high all of the time. I just want to be high. All. of. the. time. Maybe I was fine this past week. I can't remember. Maybe I'll feel great tomorrow. I hope I will. I see my therapist on Tues. It has been too long. I don't want to have to be in therapy forever. I can't stand myself right now. Maybe it is a really good thing that I can't conceive. Maybe God is sparing a child from one extremely fucked up mother. Sorry.