This has been a fun weekend. On Friday we went to British Belle tea for wine tasting and dinner. Saturday we went to Brian and Nina's and had lovely dinner followed by hot tub balloon volleyball. It is the only volleyball I am good at and the only one I enjoy playing. Sunday we went to Wyomissing, hometown of Taylor Swift, to spend the afternoon and evening with my parents, Aunt, Uncle, cousin and a bunch of their drunk relatives. We ate some delicious steamers (clams and butter) and some equally delicious low country boil. We were told some stories about Taylor Swift when she was young because my cousin was friends with her when she was around 10. My cousin is a few years older. Today we went to Oktoberfest.
Blah blah blah. here is what I really want to say. I don't know if I want children. I finally admitted to myself that I really wanted to have a baby because I felt like I should and people keep asking me about it. When are you going to have kids? So, are you guys thinking about kids? Have you thought about kids? Do you guys want to have kids? I have been asked in many ways and frankly I feel like saying, "I'm infertile but thanks for asking". The point is not whether or not we want kids but whether or not we can conceive and right now and for the past 4 years the answer has been no. If someone doesn't have kids then they are either not trying to have kids at the moment or they are and it isn't going well. Either way, do you really think someone wants to talk about it? Cause I don't. I really don't. I am okay when a close friend asks but basically my closest friends know whats going on with me and don't have to ask.
I am selfish. I really need a lot of sleep. I love that I am the center of Mike's world. We are trying to save money to move out of the city and buy a nice house. Our child could be a serial killer. We could really mess a kid up. There are a myriad of reasons.
Maybe I do want a child someday. It doesn't even matter because I CAN'T CONCEIVE. DARN IT ALL TO HECK! I am so sick of caring about it. I just have to let it go for now and focus on becoming healthy. I keep losing my focus but I will not be happy with anything unless I lose weight. I know that in my heart.
So that i what I want to say. I am fully aware that my writing has been really bad for awhile now but I don't actually care much about that either. Sorry.
2 comments:
Merry, I don't know what you mean about your writing being "bad." Cause it isn't. At all. Do you mean honest? Or sad? Or funny? Or straight to the point? Or emotional? Or clever? Or interesting? Or poignant? Or lovely?
Because if that list is what you mean by "bad," then yeah, I totally agree.
I totally understand how you feel about being unsure you even want kids... it took me quite a number of years to feel like I could consider sharing Dan's attentions, even with a dog! It's wonderful for a marriage to have a good amount of time to flourish before thinking about additions to the family.
And I am always worrying that one of my kids could turn out to be a sociopath!
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