Apr 21, 2010

Failing

I feel like I am failing at somethings. First, my health. I am sick and I have been in a lot of pain with my fibro. I feel like I am making bad choices and not taking care of myself. I was doing really well with not eating sugar and now it is like I can't stop eating it. I haven't been swimming in awhile and I have been drinking a lot of vodka lately.

I feel like I am failing with Dexter a bit. He is being crazy lately and I keep telling myself that he is only 3 1/2 months and he will not turn out to be a bad unruly dog. Today, looking at the scratches on my hands I'm not so sure.

I'm failing at being a Christian. I feel like I am not even sure what I believe anymore and I don't want to go to hell. I want to believe in the things I used to but they seem so unbelievable and not in a good way.

I'm failing at being a good wife. the house is always messy and I can't work more than 2 weeks out of the month without feeling bad physically and emotionally.

I'm failing at being a friend. Or at least it seems that way. I feel like no one wants to be with me, confide in me or invite me places anymore.

So that's how I am feeling today.

2 comments:

lindsay said...

hey mers,

well, first of all, i love you.

second of all, i hope (and think) you are feeling better by now. i know that blogging can be an outlet for you while you are in the midst of feeling down, so sometimes it's not representative of how you feel in your life overall.

third of all, sometimes it's important to release some negative feelings before we can move on to problem-solving. sometimes we FEEL so much. the trick is, we need to find a way to limit or direct these feelings so that they don't keep us from actually working through the things that are upsetting us.

so, i hope that you are feeling better because then you will have more focus and attention to give to working on these issues. and you already have been working on a lot of this stuff, so it's a matter of continuing the hard work that you've been putting into it.

anyway, i love you, keep on trying, and don't sabotage yourself with feeling discouraged. look at the progress you HAVE made. SO much.

Emily said...

aaaahhh. I can relate, really.
I have a monster sugar addiction, and I don't just mean I like to eat it. If there's no sweets in the house, I continue to go back to the cabinet where we keep it, rumaging and fidgeting, repeatedly. I am trying hard to change it, but so far all I can do is keep it out of the house completely. and binge on sugar free jello.

and Dex... well I don't have a dog, but I do have 3 toddlers with varied behavioral issues!

the messy thing is a constant problem, as is the disconnect with my friends. Dan has actually been at me recently to get you and Mike over for dinner, and I have just been waiting to see you at book club, and then missed the meeting. And about the God stuff (I feel like I need to address all the points!:)), well thats hard, but I get it. Rowan's theological questions are sometimes the only thing that keeps me on track. that, and having a small group meet at our house, then I am forced to participate!

anyway, I am sorry you feel so crappy, it's not fun. And motivation can be so hard to find. Hopefully I'll get to see you soon!