A new drug( this is going to be a long and rambly post)

Well not really a new drug. Just the same old one that people have been using from at least jesus's time. I am referring to the demon liquor. Yes, I will admit I am under the influence. Obviously not completely wasted because I can put thoughts together which doesn't happen when I am drunk. I am however a little tipsy and I must say that I feel pretty good.I need to feel good right now. Work is stressful and the whole grandfather dying soon is extremely sad and stressful.I am fond of get6ting slightly drunk every now and then to take the edge off life. Do I feel guilty? No. In fact, I think it is perfectly healthy and normal to get drunk every now and then. I used to use alcohol in much more of a dangerous way. Before I was married. When I was suicidal and bulimic. I remember sitting in my room at 12 Rose Hall (when I lived with Elis and Elizabeth back in the late 90's early 2000's)(for those of you who do not know) and just drink hard liquor that tasted terrible straight from the bottle with the intention of getting drunk as quickly as possible. I usually ended up crawling to my bathroom and puking most of the night away. Those were the days of still trying to find out who I was and what I was going to do with my life. I had a stupid nothing job and hadn't had a relationship since the 7th grade. Oh wait, I should warn you that the drink I am drinking now is incredibly strong and therefore this post will probably stop making sense pretty soon. So let me just say that I am interested to see what I have to say when I am drunk. Anyway, when I decided to go to YWAM I put drinking and pot smoking and making myself puke intentionally behind me and promised to walk the straight and narrow. That worked for awhile.

And now that some more alcohol has hit my blood stream I feel the overwhelming urge to talk about my dear husband Michael. I am married and I have a husband. That is crazy. I thought that I would NEVER find my husband. I didn't even settle. He is perfect for me and I love him more every day. I literally thought that I would be single forever. My friends can attest to that. It seemed to happen for everyone but me(and Elizabeth) and we honesty thought we would be forever alone(together). (hey if you are going to be a spinster you might as well be with someone who understands and makes you laugh). I mean, I remember always having these moments where I would just feel this complete and utter loneliness. I would be on the balcony of my grandparents condo when everyone else was asleep just listening to the waves and looking at the lights of Naples, Florida feeling this overwhelming emptiness and longing to be in love. Or being in love with someone and longing for them to love me back.Things seem to hit me especially hard when I was lying in bed on a summer night. The attic fan drowning out all noise except for my thoughts. I still get kind of queasy thinking about that yearning to be loved. The strange thing is that I felt that incomplete horrible loneliness for 20 some years. Michael comes back into my life) after 10 years of no contact after high school) and that all goes away instantly. Jeez, I love that dude.



What do I feel like writing about now? Ummmmmmm, Well I really love lime juice. It is my new thing. I like lime juice with triple sec, water and vodka. In the right amounts it makes a kamikaze. I think I use more lime juice and you aren't suppose to add water. When I make it it tastes kind of like lemonade. Limeade... with a tiny kick. I didn't add water to this drink so it is much stronger.

So now I feel like talking about random things that pop into my mind. I miss my friends. Elizabeth, Jessica, Elis,Laura, Nina. I know that you read this and I want to say that I miss you. I feel so secluded up here. Jessica's life is so glamorous and exciting and I feel like I haven't been a part of it in so long. I used to spend time everyday with Elizabeth when we lived together and when we didn't we still spent a couple of hours a week together. ARG, I miss my girls so much I could cry. That isn't just the booze talking. and dearest Nina, we used to write each other several times a day. Oh how our emails even now make me laugh. I do realize that life is just like that. relationships move in cycles and just because things aren't the way they were doesn't mean that things won't ever be good again. I just miss my friends. I am going to stop writing now because I really am feeling kind of drunk and don't want to bore my faithful readers. I will write again when I am feeling a little more sober.