This is an honest post and it is not meant to manipulate or hurt anyone's feeling. It is just how I have been feeling lately.
I have always had a group of friends that I care about. Though people have come in and out of my life I have always had people that I knew would always be there for me. I felt that even if I didn't communicate with friends for awhile I knew that they were always there if I needed them. Always walking with me through life even if they were on a different path. I could just call and they would be there. This has always been a security to me. I haven't felt alone because I knew that there were people that care right there. If I called one friend and they didn't answer I knew I could call another and they would be there.
My friendships have always come so easily to me. I mean, these close friends of mine are such a joy to be friends with it hasn't been any work. I mean, sometimes we have hit a rough patch or two but these friendships have overcome those things.
To me it is tedious when you feel like a friendship is forced. I have had friendships where I have struggled to hang on to them because I really care about the person. I call them.But I realize they don't call me. I ask them to do stuff. But I realize that they are never asking me to do anything. I think maybe they are going through a rough time. Then I realize that they are calling people and doing things just not with me. I feel hurt but I let it blow over. I think that things will get better in time. But they don't. I then have to do the thing that I don't like to do. I stop calling. Stop asking them to do stuff and hope that it was just my imagination. I hope and pray that they reach out to me so I then can say that there really is a friendship there. It isn't me just hanging onto something that isn't really there.
All this to say that I sadly have realized that I have to let go of some of the friendships that I have been clutching to. I feel like I might just have to realize that these friendships have moved to a different stage. We won't talk on the phone. We won't hang out. We will kind of feel weird when we see each other because we used to be so close. These people have other people that are filling their social needs. I feel sad because I love them and hurt because I feel replaceable. I don't mean that I will shut them out. Of course I would love to be friends with them. I feel like I just can't force something that the other person or people don't want.
This may sound pathetic and maybe it is. But I feel really lonely for the first time in a long time. I mean lonely for friends besides Mike, though I love him dearly. My sisters are away and I feel like some of my friends really just don't care about me anymore. I hope this is just a phase but sadly, I don't think it is.
7 comments:
Hey Merry, I know what you mean. Sometimes you have to wonder how long you continue to just rely on the friendship you once had, rather than a friendship that is still progressing now, before you realize that you really aren't that close anymore. And it's a sad realization when that happens. I am really sorry that you are feeling lonely; you are such a special person. You are unique and beautiful, so funny and creative, to name a few. I know there are so many who care about you deeply. Have you thought about talking to this person directly? I know sometimes you just have to decide to let it go--like, it's not worth making it more awkward by acknowledging that somewhere along the line, a slow coldness has crept in and you really can't remember when the last time you communicated was. But, on the other hand, and like you said, it can be worth facing that awkwardness if it means that there is something worth salvaging. I guess the decision is if you think there is or not. I am sorry this is so long--I was up till 5 am and I am exhausted! But I love you and I am coming home tomorrow and I would love to get together some time. It would be especially easy when I am doing shows in Philly, right? Let's make a date!
And now I think I might have just written the longest comment ever in the history of comments...
mers! i am only away for one week! plus, the holidays are coming, and then there will be lots of fun. now that you are settled in your new life in philadelphia, maybe you can try to make time to get involved in other things besides work. a while back when i felt lonely, i considered my life and realized that i wasn't making an effort to reach out to others. it is work sometimes to force myself to do "fun" things after a long day at work, but i have learned that it takes work to upkeep relationships and a social life.
but, on another note, if you are talking about specific friendships changing, that's kind of a different story.
Murr Murr,
When you feel sad, guess what. Don't be sad. I am your sister. I am excited to all be at mom and dad's for Christmas. We can sing songs. We can laugh about old times. You will feel like you belong. About your sad time, I know it's sad to feel left out and it hurts. Sometimes friendships really ARE seasonal, but that doesn't mean that they never meant anything. People change, and sometimes you actually grow back together at other times in life. You have to remember that there are some people that you will NEVER grow apart from, though, and I am one of them. And I am the best older sister in the whole world, so guess what. Don't be sad.
Thanks guys. I do realize that I don't always make an effort like I should either. It is wrong of me to blame others for my lack of community when I often have had plans with people and don't keep them. Also, thanks for the love. I know you three really love me and I just had lunch with Elizabeth yesterday. I feel much better. I was just having a bad day on Saturday.
Merry, I totally understand the place you were in on Saturday. I was driving home Saturday and realized I had NO ONE to call. At other times in my life, I always had lots of friends I could call and talk to if I felt lonely. These days, I have Jason, and some times. he just doesn't feel like talking (like, right after a grueling football game).
Anyway, maybe you and I can form a club. We'll call it the "No friends" club. (that's from "Free to Be You and Me")
Love ya!
glad you are feeling better, mers!
Hey Mer, I don't have that much to say, but if it's me your missing, I miss you too. (: haha, just kidding. Not about me missing you. Anyway, I think you and I will always be those friends that have a fun time when they get to see eachother. And I'm glad for that.
Post a Comment