I wish I wasn't such a slave to my emotions. Like right now I am sitting on the sofa watching Bringing Baby Home(which I really should not do) and feeling really cranky that I can't have a baby. This crankiness then turns into a feeling of hopelessness. I feel like I will never ever ever have a baby. I feel like a spoiled brat because I want one. I do not want to adopt. I want to conceive and carry a child. I want that baby to be a part of Mike and me. I want a baby now. I do not want to wait until I am older. I am almost 32. I feel like that is old enough. We have been trying for over two years. I am so tired of waiting.
On the flip side. I know God has a plan. I know that there are children that need homes. I know that babies are life changing and it can be really tough. I know that I probably brought on my trouble myself because I am fat. I know that there are people who have been trying for much longer than we have. People who have lost babies. People who have lost older children. I know all this. But... still.
Sorry I keep posting lame things.
4 comments:
its not lame at all to post stuff like that.. Its honest and real..
I wish i could do more than just pray for you guys, but for now, thats all I can do (not that praying is a small thing).
Why is it lame to share your thoughts and feelings? I'm glad that you can share so openly. Isn't that what a blog is for?
I don't think you can talk yourself out of feeling pain just because other people have felt "more" pain or "worse" pain. Yes, perspective is valuable...but it doesn't really diminish your own disappointment, does it?
Merry, please don't apologize for your posts; I genuinely love reading them, Though it makes me sad when things are hard for you...I am praying for you.
I'm going to interpret "Sorry I keep posting lame things" as "Please don't judge the inner-most places in my heart because I am vulnerable". To which I say, I totally understand those inner-most places. I had a strong desire to have my children, and I had a deep fear (at one point in my life) that I would not be able to have them.
I have witnessed the deep internal longing that women have for children of their own- it is a longing that transcends culture, education and geography.
I have no answer for why some women conceive easily and others struggle- and sometimes are not able to conceive. I agree with you that God is faithful- and my hope and prayer for you and Mike is that you will soon be able to conceive, carry and deliver a baby of your own. I will try to be more faithful in praying that for you.
I agree with everyone else that I really appreciate that you post the things that matter to you. I feel like you are reaching into the void with your thoughts- and I hope that you feel us reaching back toward you with an embrace!
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