Jan 9, 2007

Complete and utter despair

My head feels like it is going to explode. My eyes feel like someone has stapled them open and is throwing sand in them. This is usually how I feel when I cry that hard, gasping for breath deep, gutteral sobs shaking your body kind of cry. I feel so hopeless, so much like a complete worthless loser who is nothing but a drain on her friends and family. I honestly believe that financial stress is one of the worst kinds of stress. Obviously the death or illness of a loved one and marital discourse is worse, but being poor is extremely detrimental to your health. Without going into the whole story, I was delt a particularly hard blow to my confidence in myself and my abilities today and I don't know if the job I have been working so hard to get is going to work out. I mean, I went to school for 900 hours to learn massage one way and these people are telling me to do it a different way and are expecting me to relearn everything in what has been about three hours of training time. I am so frustrated. I am so tired of not being able to help Mike out financially. I am so tired of feeling guilty. I feel like I am just not meant to be happy. I am not asking for sports cars and a mansion, I just want to be able to pay our bills. Please help us, God. PLEASE.

2 comments:

jason j said...

Financial stress sucks big time.. susan and i lived almost entirely off student loans for 2 years.. it was amazingly difficult..

i hope things get better soon for you

laura said...

Merry,
It hurt my heart so much to read this. I am so sorry. My words feel so empty. I wish that I could do something that was practical, but I, too, am not currently working. All I have at this point, is words.

I know that you are an incredibly talented artist. Massage therapy is an art, that you have, in my lowly and uneducated opinion, have nearly mastered.
I have been a first hand witness to your art and let me tell you, it was F****** amazing! It relieved a migraine that I had a whole week.
...and Merry, please believe that you are meant to be happy. When you are happy, the world is good.
To be loved by Merry is a truly beautiful, and rare gift.