Part two

So anyway, I am discouraged. Things aren't working out with being employed by my grandmother. The dynamics aren't good. I am not going to go into details but for the second time she treated me in an abusive way and I can't handle it. I think the reason I feel so discouraged is that I haven't found anything that is a good fit both financially and emotionally. I am at my best when I am doing massage in a stress free environment. Primarily, going to people's houses that I know and giving them great massages. Problem is not too many people I know want/can afford massages right now.  I was really feeling like a failure. Still kind of am. But a big part of me wants to scream, IT'S NOT MY FAULT, DAMMIT! My whole life I have been saying that things aren't my fault because frankly, I have blamed for a shitload of stuff that wasn't my fault. Of course, I am at fault sometimes. I know that. I make mistakes and usually see my part to blame eventually. However, in a lot of cases, this one in particular, it really isn't my fault.  Anyway, a great friend of mine called to check on me because she read that I was having a tough day on facebook. I explained that I feel horrible that I can't seem to keep a job. I get really stressed out and basically just have a huge breakdown. I have had jobs for years before but eventually they stop working. Some jobs I've kept months, some weeks. The point is, they all end for one reason it another. This frustrate me. It always seems to happen when Mike says to me that we need more money. I'm like, "ok, I'm on it". Then I promptly lose my job. My friend commiserated. She has had a similar issue. She says it's the way that we are made. That took a load off. However, Isn't there a type of job that's good for people made like me?Ok, so, in order for me to not hate myself I am going to list the things I know about myself and not see them as negatives. It's hard but I have to believe there is something for me.

1. I am kind but hate when people are mean to me so sometimes I can get a little snippy.
2. I have a good sense of humor most of the time.
3. I love animals but get really sad and overwhelmed when I see them without homes or suffering in someway.
4. I love to write but not always and I am not always good at it.
5. I love to sing but have stage fright and who can make money at that anyway?
6. I love to create but only when I am in the mood and I think most of what I create is crap.
7. I am a great massage therapist but hate not having control over who I massage, when and for how much.
8. I am not good at self promotion or charging people what I am worth.
9. I'm not a huge fan of people in general.
10. I love nature but hate manual labor or being really hot or really cold.
11. I like making people happy but not when they are being mean to me or trying to pull something over on me.
12. I am good at taking care of people unless they poop on the ground, poop in their pants, or call me dummy repeatedly.
13. I love being with little kids if they aren't jerk, which a lot of them are.
 14. I am a mediocre homemaker.
15. I think I would be a great mom but maybe not. Also, you don't make money at that. also, it doesn't seem to be working out anyway.

Wow, maybe I just really suck at working. I know I have good qualities but not when I need them most. I don't feel any better. Damn.