My life sucks and I wish I was dead. I have said this before just to piss my mom off but now, in this moment after 14 years of this nonsense I believe deep in my soul that my life couldn’t suck any worse. I mean sure, yes, there are things that could make it worse, if you want to get technical, but it feels like those things might even take the edge off of this misery that I am feeling right now. I am grounded yet again, for lying to my parents. I do not understand what they expect from me. When I was little and I did something wrong they would always say that things would go easier on me if I told the truth. So, I told the truth and then would still get hit. So, I figured, if I am going to get hit anyway, why not shift the odds of not getting caught in my favor by thinking up a subtle and believable lie. Well, you win some ,you lose some. Today I lost. Do I think lying is wrong? Yes. Will I stop lying? Not if I think that it will help me get out of trouble. I originally only got grounded for a week but I argued about it and my dad said, “Alright, now it is two weeks.” To which I said, “Fine with me. I like being grounded”... which brought on the third week. “You are so unfair”, I shouted and stomped upstairs and slammed my door and said rather loudly, “I am so tired of this bullshit”. I heard my dad’s voice in the distance… “And we have a month”. Damn. Too bad I always have to have the last word.
So, now I am in my room…no TV, no radio, and no phone. I could read but prefer to stare at the wall. Yep, same as it has been for quite some time…white and blank. I used to have posters of cute boys on the wall but I have grown out of the New Kids on the Block and I have just started a new obsession with U2 and haven’t had the time or money to get new posters. Ah, Bono. The other day my parents were on a walk and I sneaked into the spare room and turned on MTV very softly. A bunch of crappy music came on and I was just deciding it wasn’t worth getting caught when the video for “Mysterious Ways” came on. From the very first sound of the edge’s guitar to the memory of the last beat of Larry’s drum I was mesmerized. Bono, lovely, blue eyed warbly voiced angel sent from God to speak healing into my wounded places. The only thing worth living for right now was the hope that I would never again be alone in this world without a bit of musical heroin to anesthetize the pain of my existence. I must meet Bono one day and tell him that he is keeping me alive. I wonder if this will make a difference to him. Probably not. Why would a rock star give a flying fig about a 14-year-old girl? I still want to meet him just in case he is wondering if his life is making a difference. It is making a difference…a huge difference, in my life at least.
So, now I am in my room…no TV, no radio, and no phone. I could read but prefer to stare at the wall. Yep, same as it has been for quite some time…white and blank. I used to have posters of cute boys on the wall but I have grown out of the New Kids on the Block and I have just started a new obsession with U2 and haven’t had the time or money to get new posters. Ah, Bono. The other day my parents were on a walk and I sneaked into the spare room and turned on MTV very softly. A bunch of crappy music came on and I was just deciding it wasn’t worth getting caught when the video for “Mysterious Ways” came on. From the very first sound of the edge’s guitar to the memory of the last beat of Larry’s drum I was mesmerized. Bono, lovely, blue eyed warbly voiced angel sent from God to speak healing into my wounded places. The only thing worth living for right now was the hope that I would never again be alone in this world without a bit of musical heroin to anesthetize the pain of my existence. I must meet Bono one day and tell him that he is keeping me alive. I wonder if this will make a difference to him. Probably not. Why would a rock star give a flying fig about a 14-year-old girl? I still want to meet him just in case he is wondering if his life is making a difference. It is making a difference…a huge difference, in my life at least.
So, I am still staring out the wall and I am thinking about nothing when I hear my sister, Darby go into her room. She is 2 ½ years older. She is beautiful, she is kind even to losers, she is smart and always does what is right. The world loves her and I wish I could be more like her. All the guys at school want to be with her. She has a dick-head of a boyfriend. He is mean to her and acts like I am annoying in my own house. If I really wanted him gone, if I thought it wouldn’t break her heart, I could pull out a list of 100 guys who would do the job quick and easy all to see her free and single. I just want her to be happy. He doesn’t make her happy, he makes her cry. I hear her talking to someone on the phone. I listen to the wall…aha, yes, this is interesting stuff. Oops, missed something that sounded good so I need to take the eaves dropping to the next level. I unplug my phone, unscrew the mouthpiece and take out the metal thing. I screw the mouthpiece on and leave the phone off the hook and gently plug the phone back in. I put the phone to my ear and listen. Wow, this is some good stuff. I should feel guilty. Yet somehow I feel justified in spicing up my life a little bit.
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