Thoughts

Every summer night from the age of 13 I would lie on my bed, covers kicked on the ground, and think about how I wanted my life to be. The attic fan with its loud constant humming drew the intoxicating scent of honeysuckle mixed with rain on a warm breeze through my screen. I would breathe deep and will my life to be better. I ached for something and could feel the yearning from my skin to my core. I wanted so many things and was overwhelmed with hopes and dreams. So, lost in myself, I wouldn't realize that I was crying until the air from my window made the tracks of my tears cold. Even now I feel a twinge of sadness when I am alone in my bed on a summer night. I now have different hopes and thoughts but the yearning is still there. Though, I believe that no one feels the intensity of emotions like a young emotionally and physically battered girl. This time of year always makes me think more for some reason. My thoughts make me so tired sometimes. I would like each moment to be simple and not have to ponder things so extensively. I often wish that I could just see things as others do in black and white and dark and light not having to weigh each side and take all things into consideration.
I would love to be able to shut my mind off every now and then.
It might be nice to look at the tree outside my window and not have my mind swirl with thoughts and questions about why and how and if and what. Just to see little white blossoms as little white blossoms and not wonder what God was thinking about when he made them. It's no use... I have to wonder if he made them just for me because he knew that I would like them so much in this very moment in time. I believe he did and this makes me happy. I take it back...I love to think and I don't want to be like those people who take everything at face value and don't think for themselves. Thanks for the little white blossoms, God and thanks for my brain.