a new post

OK so, this is one of those posts that is a little embarrassing because it is totally honest but I really feel like I need to talk about this so here it goes. This weekend I was, and there is no other way to describe it, a completely horrible, 100% certifiably evil, bitch. I have been bitchy before but honestly there were moments when I was thinking to myself, "if I were Mike I would have slapped me by now".

To set things up you have to know that I have had massive problems with my menstrual cycle for a long time. I was told that I had fibroid tumors and that I should go on the pill to regulate my period . So, I did and then I was told by my mother that I have breast cancer in my family and that I shouldn't be on the pill. So I took the pill for a total of 5 months and then got off.(my doctor said that that was fine).

The first month after I was off the pill I had my period as usual and I naively thought that perhaps the pill had fixed my problem. Oh quite the contrary. In April I kept waiting and waiting and never got my period. I felt awful. I was nauseous and dizzy I had cramps and mood swings I had to pee a lot. Suddenly I thought to myself,"oh my Gosh, could I be pregnant?" Mike decided early on in our marriage that we would wait two years before we tried to conceive and since we decided that I often have changed my mind and wanted a baby sooner. Mike, however, being the steadfast man that he is, reminded me of the reasons we decided to wait and put his foot down. I felt a bit like a child not getting what she wanted and therefore was very happy and excited at this new possibility that I might be carrying a little baby. I rushed out and got a pregnancy test. Negative. I was slightly disappointed but I figured that it just wasn't the right time for us. However, 3 more weeks passed and I was experience no period and even more symptoms...time for another test.

This past Sunday I made Mike go out and get an early pregnancy test. I peed on the stick and waited for the 3 minutes. Negative.WHY? I felt betrayed by my body. I felt pregnant. I didn't get my period I have felt horrible for more than a month. I felt enraged and then I erupted. I threw the pregnancy test across the room. Yelling profanities,I kicked the fan that was in my path and pushed Mike away when he tried to console me. I flung myself on the bed and wailed. I called God stupid. I told Mike to "stop singing that stupid song" that he was singing to cheer me up. I screamed, "I HATE MY LIFE...I WANT TO DIE". I knew that I was acting like a child and as Mike slowly backed out of the room and shut the door I felt a wave of remorse wash over me. I got up and went to hug Mike. He welcomed me with opened arms and whispered words of encouragement to me as I sobbed into his shirt. What a good man. Mike took me to see a movie and to lunch to cheer me up. I was still pissy and I kept having to apologize. I can't believe what he put up with. He told me that he loves me and I love him and that means loving each other all the time even when things are difficult. What a good man. Seriously. What a wonderful man.

I still haven't fully gotten my period yet. I feel better inside, though which is a huge improvement. I hate feeling like I want to kill someone and I hate being unkind to Mike. Hopefully God will heal me from this problem but until he does it is wonderful to know that I have a wonderful husband who loves me no matter what.