Hope

I have decided to start Weight Watchers online again because if I stick to it it works. I do have some trepidation because I have started with such hope before and then fizzled out when the going got tough. I am really needing to lose weight in a major sort of way. I am trying to take steps to see if I can have weight lose surgery covered by my insurance. I have major issues. Physically and emotionally. I really believe I will die early and/or end up crippled for good if I don't get the weight off soon.

So here are my goals...

Continue counseling with Kim Champion. I had issues that I thought were delt with but they are not.

Keep track of my food intake daily

Swim for at least 30 minutes at least 3x a week. Preferable 45 minutes 4 times a week.

I could use some support. I really could.

Today

It has been a really long time since I blogged so I thought I would do it today. Funny how I used to be so keen on blogging daily and now the thought of trying to organize my thoughts and to make them interesting seems completely overwhelming. I hate to not blog for a while and then pop up with complaints but I also hate to be dishonest about where I am. Well, here it is. Things are just really frustrating. From huge things to little things, I feel like nothing is going right. I had such high hopes for the new year and things have seemed to go backwards before I even got started on my good new year. Here are some of the little things...my computer is old and the keys don't work. So in any given sentence I have words with either too many lettrs or not enough. See, in the past sentence it left out the E in letters. Usually, it leaves out the letter E and doubles the lettr O. SEE!! Anyway, it is truly annoying to have to go back and fix everything.

Secondly, my phone with the QUERTY keyboard won't charge anymore and hasn't for about a month. My new evry two coms up next week but since it broke I have been using my old RAZR. It doesn't work well and there is no qwerty, so texting is a huge pain in the buttocks.

Thirdly, my dress for Elizabeth's wedding didn't fit. IT DIDN'T FIT! I had to get it taken out and am praying that it fits.

Fourthly, it basically didn't fit because I haven't gotten my period in 67 days so my stomach is totally bloated. AND I am an emotional wreck.

Fifthly, I hurt back back in a major sort of way.

Ok, enough complaints right now. I know that there are people going through really tough stuff and these complaints seem minor. But due to the hormonal issue it seems like my life really sucks.

Sorry, hopefully I will write something more cheerful tomorrow.

Christmas time is here

Yay. You know, it has been a tough year. Usually around this time I take stock of the year and the things that have made the year unique and frankly, I can't remember much. I do know that I am excited for this year to be over. I am excited to wipe the slate clean and start anew.

Christmas has always been so special to me. I mean, I would get so excited and even now have dreams that start in April about missing Christmas. I really want to enjoy the holiday season and I will share with you a few things that I am doing in order to REALLY enjoy christmas. Here is the list. Drum roll please.

1. I look at my Christmas tree a lot. Sounds dumb but I park myself in front of it and work on the computer or read or whatever. I make sure I look at every part and really let the colors soak into my eyeballs. We get our tree around the first of December so I have a good month or so to look at it. Now, I am a fan of colored (not African American) lights because they seem more festive and are nostalgic. We always had colored lights on our tree when I was little. My dad used to do the blinking light thing but we haven't tried that yet.

2. I listen to christmas music. From old classics to new favorites I inundate my ears until I can barely stand it. This way when Christmas is over I am really really ready for non Christmas music. There are four old favorites that we use to listen to every year 1. Perry Como 2. Gladys Knight and the Pips 3. The New kids on the Block 4. Amy Grant(Tennesee Christmas). Certain songs take me back to specific memories so I shut my eyes and feel like I am right there.

3. I watch Christmas movies. Favorites are 1. A Muppet Christmas Carol 2. It's a Wonderful Life 3. Elf 4. A Christmas Story. Those are my top four.

4. Decorate gingerbread house with my family. We do this every year and it always makes me so happy. It is just fun. We sit around the table eating candy, laughing and trying to make the intense "royal" frosting work on the houses.About half way through we stop making them look pretty and try to just shove as much candy on it as possible.

5. I buy stuff on line but go to stores to look at the christmas displays. This way it is the best of both worlds. You don't have to deal with cranky people or lines of fussy shoppers. Yoou don't have to fight for parking. I shop in front of my christmas tree. See how that works. Then when I feel like it and not in a time crunch I will go to the mall usually when many people aren't there and just stroll around.

So, there you have it. I want to write more but I am tired.

Today I can't pull myself out of the sadness. It makes it all the worse because so many others are experiencing more pain than I. That is the thing about chemical depression it can't really be explained other than something is wrong in my brain. I do the right things or at least I do as much as I can. I am taking my medicine. I am exercising albeit not as much as I should. I try to remember my blessings and not focus on bad stuff. It is just this sad fog in my brain. It's a chore to get out of bed. It takes a lot of energy to get showered and dressed. My body is in pain. I feel so guilty. Why can't I just be happy?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. (Prov 3.5-6).

Something I have read and heard a thousand times at least. The six pence none the richer song often plays in my head at times of turmoil. It is such a simple thing to ask someone to do. Trust me. You don't understand what is going on, so just trust ME because I do. Why can't I do that? I mean, He has never steered me wrong. I have never trusted God and then been let down. Why can't I just realize that I don't know what is going on? I need help. I mess things up...a lot. Recently, I have been making one mistake after another. I think I am making a good decision but then it blows up in my face. I think that I am doing well and then something or someone reminds me that, "you know what? you kind of suck." I do kind of suck at a lot of stuff. I have had a lot on my mind lately and when my brain is filled up with questions and tossing waves of obsessive thoughts I have a hard time doing things that I am supposed to do. Clean the house, do the dishes, go food shopping, deposit my paycheck. Even going swimming is a chore though I love to do it. Mike comes home for work and is just kind of sad that I didn't do anything. He isn't a jerk. He is wonderful but it makes him really sad when I don't take care of things he has trusted me to take care of. So, if I make Mike sad and he can't trust me to take care of things why do I trust myself to make things better for myself. Shouldn't I just trust the One who never gets things wrong? Who never let's any of us down? I should and I want to. Even just writing this gives me the hope that I will start to trust Him and have the peace that passes my understanding.

This is just a hard and crappy time for so many people. I hear something new everyday, about someone being ill or someone's child dying or other horribly sad things going on in the world. It is just so hard to have peace but we have to. We have to believe that there is Someone who knows what He is doing and that all things work together for good. I have to believe it. I do believe it.

right now

Thanksgiving is next week and I cannot believe it. In celebration I thought I would relive some Thanksgiving memories from my past.

I remember several Thanksgivings where I would wake up in the morning and my mother would already have the turkey in the oven and the smell would be permeating the house. One year she made this delicious date and nut bread that I slathered with butter. I made a huge glass of Nesquik, which we rarely had, and went to the spare bedroom to watch the Macy's parade. I think we usually had some family or friends over and when we ate I would eat way too much Turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy, stuffing(oyster stuffing is my favorite) cranberry sauce(the kind without whole berries and straight from the can, and pumkin or German chocolate pie for dessert. Then I would take a nap. For dinner we would have leftovers.

The end.

sooooorrrry.

So, maybe you have seen that I have been over dramatic lately. hyper sensitive, if you will. Well, you see, yes, be prepared to be shocked...I forgot to take my medicine, yet AGAIN. Why don't I just remember to take it and all will be well. When I take it I don't get offended easily, I don't blow up situations when they are really small. I don't want to quit my job or think I am getting fired when someone says something negative at work.Most importantly, I don't freak out and feel like I don't know my husband because he shaves his face or says one tiny thing that throws me off guard. ARGGG! Sorry, to all who have been affected by my non medicated behavior.

frowny face

You know, something has been on my mind lately and I need to get it out. Fat people have feelings too, damn IT. Seriously, you can't make fun of gay people, and rightfully so, without getting into a load of trouble, I got in trouble at work for calling a situation retarded, and if you say anything about someone who is physically handicapped you are a douche bag. So, why are people still allowed to say stuff about fat people? It is the subject of so many jokes and people think it is perfectly ok to say mean things about overweight people. Well, it hurts. Mike and I have been made fun of at various times of our lives for being overweight and it is really painful. Movies that are portraying an unattractive person always show someone who is really overweight. on Friends when it was "fat monica" she acted metally challenged, like you can't be normal or cool if you are overweight. Friends say to my face that it isn't a big deal and that overweight people can be attractive but they would never find someone who is overweight attractive. It makes me really angry.

Fatty, out.

paddled

I attended Christian school my whole life. I think that for the most part I had a good experience and am really grateful that my parents made the sacrifice to send us there. Mike's parents sacrificed a lot to send him to Christian school and I know he is grateful as well. Some of the things that I loved about Christian school was the sense that God was real. I mean, everyone I know believed that he was real and that Jesus was our savior and the answer to that age old question of what happens to you when you die. I knew where I was going. I knew that the answers to all my spiritual questions were in the Bible. It was a very secure feeling and for a kid in a unstable family that security was mighty nice.
The music/drama class was great. We put on children's musicals for Christmas and then again in the spring. It was so fun and those shows are some of my favorite memories.

There are of course things I didn't like as well but the main one I can think of is the corporal punishment. Paddling. I was paddled. Twice. Twice for things that were not paddle worthy in my mind. I was spanked by my teacher with a huge wooden paddle while the principal watched. It hurt and it was humiliating. I just got the chills thinking about it.
I believe that no one has the right to strike your child. I cannot believe it was legal.

That feeling of being paddled, that humiliation and pain still is very real and fresh.

Today, I feel like I was paddled. Not physically, but it hurt and humiliated me just the same.

I was going along fine minding my own business thinking everything is fine and then BAM! I got in trouble at work. Apparently some students complained about a few things. Some are true...I have a horrible habit of calling something retarded when I think it is wrong. Some were completely false. I tried to handle it but I just started crying. My boss felt bad. he was just doing his job. But it hurt. I cried all the way home and I cried at home. Mike brought me flowers and he cheered me up in other ways. I still feel like I got paddled. I feel like I always get in trouble. In essence it wasn't even a huge deal. It isn't like I am on probation or in big trouble or anything. I just feel at 32 that I am too old to get in trouble. Please tell me I am not the only one who still gets in trouble.

By the way, Mike just used the word retarded to describe a situation. I think I need to paddle that boy.

Lightbulb

I don't know how to write this post without A. sounding like I am praising myself and B. maybe sounding like a jerk. So, I will just write and hopefully it sounds ok. The other day Mike commented that maybe I should start trying to get a few massages to supplement my extremely part time job. I immediately contacted some people to get massages and told them I would do it for free. What the heck, Mer? It didn't hit me until later that maybe it was defeating the purpose to not charge for the massages especially since I now live more than an hour away from everyone. So, I started booking people and charging them. I still couldn't bring myself to charge full price. I just cannot charge what I should be charging.

I was thinking and thinking and getting down on myself. I thought,"You are a coward. You are afraid people won't think you are worth it. You don't want people to be mad at you". Then I realized something. Yes, I like getting paid the full amount for a massage because it helps Mike and me out. BUT I also really love being able to use my gift to bless people. I mean, where else could someone get a great massage at their house for 25.00 and a batch of cookies? I love to barter. I love getting paid in creative ways. It is just fun.It makes me feel like an old time doctor getting paid in chickens.

Also, massage always makes people so thankful and grateful. They think you are a hero because you make them feel better. I love being a hero. I love having a special skill that people love. I also love when people tell me that they won't ever go to another massage therapist because I am the best. I love when people think I am the BEST at something. It isn't often that I am the best at something.

Anyway, I realized that I love having a purpose. I love blessing people. I love getting paid too so hopefully I can incorporate the two.

What is my problem

My body hurts so much. I don't know why or what has changed. It is a horrible feeling.I ache from head to toe.

Also, I have been so cranky lately. People I usually love are bothering me. People that I never see but for some reason I have this crankiness in my heart towards them and I don't know why.

I snapped at a guy at the gym. He was this older black man who was staring at my body when I got in the jacuzzi. I said,"Can't you stop looking at me"? He said, "huh"? and I said," CAN YOU STOP LOOKING AT ME". I then sat in the jacuzzi and tried to act normal but I felt really dumb. When I got out I apologized but he was still staring at my chest. I wanted to tell him to stop looking at me again.

I don't know what my problem is but I hate everything right now.

oh and....

Ollie and Lyric met us at the airport with THESE!!!!

California

We are back from our west coast vacation and it was wonderful. Except, well, I came back with a horrible cold which started on our last day there.
The plane ride over was fine. Mike and I both had isle seats across from each other. I feel that if you are flying coach then isle is the only way to go. On the way home I flew first class. My husband, who loves me very much, upgraded me to first class with his "miles" as a special treat. He said he wanted me to be comfortable because he knows how important comfort is to me. What a guy. He said that since he had never flown first class he didn't know what he was missing. I, on the other hand, have flown first class often due to another great guy who always used to upgrade me with his miles...my dad. What can I say, the men in my life know I am a first class kind of girl.

Darby and the kids met us at the airport with big neon welcome signs that the kids had made for us. It was adorable. We then took a small trip to the beach on the way home just to put our tired piggies in the Pacific ocean. Darby made unbelievable delicious French onion soup. Seriously...I loved it.
Friday Darby and I went to the 3rd street Promenade to have lunch and to do a little shopping. I needed to pick up a few things from Lush. Mike and Jason took a hike. We all met at a Thai place for dinner and then picked Lyric up from Cotillion, which she loved.
Saturday we spent the whole day at the beach in Malibu. I would be happy if I could go there every day.
Sunday we went to the Arboretum and saw lots of pretty plants and fed turtles, ducks and fish. We then went to dinner where I tasted the best salad ever.
Monday we want to this place called Leo Carrillo that had sea caves and tide pools. Mike walked around and Darby and I sat on a huge rock and talked while gazing at the ocean.
Tuesday we headed home.

There were many fun things things that I left out but it was a fantastic time. It was so fun to spend so much time with Darb, Jase and the kids.

We love California. We want to move there.

Thank you, God.

I will be honest as I usually am. Mike is the love of my life. I love him with all of my heart. I never want to be without him. However, he is not the first person I ever loved. When we first started dating I told him I had never been in love before. As soon as the words left my mouth I knew they were a lie. What I meant to say was that I had never had a serious relationship and even the stupid little nothing relationships were few and far between. The reason the relationships were virtually nonexistent was simple. I had been in love before and I had my heart broken. You see, if you know me well you know that I am an extremely passionate person. I feel emotions with my whole being and while that can be amazing it can also be tortuous. I love fiercely. I am extremely loyal and protect my relationships that I care about.

So here is the story. As I have talked about here before I was not treated well by males and I learned to fear men at a very young age. To me, males could not be trusted. Several males in my life had lied to me. Men that I trusted. Men that meant the world to me. Boys touched in bad ways. They said nasty things. Older men leered. They said nasty things too. I mentioned to you the 8th grade Bible teacher of mine who had a crush on me. In the middle of that traumatic experience I met a boy. A nice boy. At first this boy was just an acquaintance but we ended up in a band together and ended up becoming friends. This boy called me a lot. We would talk for hours. He wrote me letters. He made me laugh. He said nice things. He said he thought I was pretty and talented and had the best personality. He wrote beautiful music and played songs that he had written for me to sing. I was young but I found myself deeply in love. I had had crushes before. This was no crush. This was me knowing someone, really seeing him and loving what I saw. He looked out for me. He was a popular guy and he exalted me to the pedestal of the elite "A" list of people in our class.We slow danced at parties and in his arms I felt safe for the first time. I thought he was perfect.

In ninth grade I was crushed when my parents took me out of school. It was the first year I was to experience homecoming. I waited my whole life for homecoming and now I was going to miss it. I was devastated that I wouldn't see him as much. I knew our friendship would suffer. I was terrified of letting him go. I couldn't imagine my life without him. At that point he was the only good thing. Unbelievably, he was the one who kept up our friendship. He continued to call. He still invited me places. I couldn't believe it.

The summer before tenth grade was the best of my life. I was just discovering my love for U2 and one night in my sister's car we sat with the windows down looking at the stars listening to Achtung Baby. As we sat there talking I was intoxicated by both the music and the magic of the moment. I know that sounds stupid but sometimes there is no other way to describe a moment that is just so perfect. Like it had been written in a book or we were actors in a movie. I felt the deepest overwhelming love for him. I knew that I was about to experience my first kiss and it would be perfect. Just as that electric tension between us was about to overwhelm me a knock on the door broke the spell. A kid that had a crush on me asked if he could join us. We looked at each other and I mumbled something as the intruder hopped into the back seat. Perfect moment ruined.

At the end of the summer he called me to tell me that he had gotten us tickets to see U2. When I hung up the phone I cried. I was so overwhelmed with joy. My favorite band with the one I loved. The day of the show I fretted over what to wear. I had found a box with my dad's old 45 records and I listened to Elvis's I Can't help falling in love with you over and over.

The show was amazing. I have seen several U2 shows since and none compare to that show. As an encore the band played Love is Blindness. My favorite. As a second encore they played I can't help Falling in love with you. I cried. I hid my tears but I cried. It was a sign. We were meant to be together.

I ended going back to school that fall. Just two weeks after the show. Things were great for a month. When Homecoming time came around I thought that I would go with him. He asked if I had a date. I told him that someone asked me but I had said no. Of course it was because I was holding out for him but I didn't tell him that. I mustered my courage and said,"we could go together as, you know, friends or something". He cleared his throat and said,"Yeah, that would be fun but I was actually thinking of asking _______." I said,"Oh that's great". I made an excuse to get off of the phone. I put my head into my pillow and sobbed. Something in me broke. I felt hurt and betrayed. I thought he loved me. He did love me. I know he did. When had things changed? In retrospect I realize that he did nothing wrong. He was a good friend. I should have seen that.

At school the next day I saw him walking towards me. He smiled and started to say something and I turned and walked away. I turned around and looked at him and he looked confused. He made several more attempts to talk to me and I avoided him each time. I needed time to heal. however something took over. It was a fear. He had hurt me and I couldn't handle the overwhelming emotion. I loved him so much it hurt and I wanted to be with him but he didn't want me in the same way. That knowledge was too great to bear. At class I would sneak glances at him. I would pretend to look at the clock so I could turn around and catch a glimpse of his face. I wanted to talk to him. I couldn't.

As the school year progressed our friendship slipped away. The very thing I was afraid of was happening and I was doing it. I was driving it away yet there was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried to will myself to talk to him. I couldn't smile at him. I opened my mouth and nothing came out. My friends would tell me that I was hurting him and he didn't know why. It was as if my mouth was glued shut.

He started dating other people. Guys liked me but I wouldn't give them the time of day. My heart belong to another yet I wouldn't let him near it. It was torture. The thing I wanted most I sabotaged so I couldn't have it. It was insane.

At the end of the school year he wrote a nice message about wanting to be friends again in my year book. I felt sheer joy as I wrote him a letter and gave it to Jason Latshaw who was a friend of this guy and dating my sister. Jason said that the guy was really happy to get it. In the letter I explained how much I wanted to be friends. I geared myself up to see him the next day.

Later the next day we were at graduation and he came up to me and shook my hand. He asked me a question and I felt the debilitating fear creep over me like a dark shroud. I screamed at myself in my head." TALKED TO HIM YOU IDIOT! YOU ARE RUINING EVERYTHING!" I acted aloof and I saw that sad and confused look on his face as he turned around and walked away. Jason came up to me and said something similar to what I had screamed to myself. I knew I had blown my last chance at happiness.

Later that summer he called to tell me that he was moving away with his family. He said that he hoped to see me before he left. I said that I would get together with him. Then I found out that my parents were taking me on a trip that would last the whole summer. Damn my luck. While I was away, he moved. I never got to say goodbye. Then I got the tragic news that my friend, who had been instrumental in me and this boy becoming friends and had been a friend since childhood was killed in a car accident. My heart broke in a way that it never had and I experienced a pain that was worse than anything I had ever felt. Now I mourned for another friend that had moved on that I would never see again.

Later that year we exchanged a letter or two. The year after that he came back to visit and I saw him briefly. It wasn't the same. It never was the same. We lost contact after that. That is when the dreams started. He was there and I was trying to reach him and for some reason I just never could.

I never fully let him go. I still had unresolved feelings and it still stung years later when I heard he had gotten married. Still stung when I heard he had kids. I still felt that he was meant to be with me and I had ruined it. The old proverbial "One that got away".

When Mike and I re-met and started dating and fell in love and got married I was happy. The happiest I had ever been. There was still this twinge of sadness every now and then and I continued to have the dreams. How sick is that? 14 years after the last time we spoke and I still had dreams. I went to therapy. Still had the dreams. I talked to Mike about it. Still had the dreams.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to put things to rest. I looked up this guy on facebook and low and behold there he was. I friended him. When he accepted the request I took a deep breath and looked at the pictures on his profile. I stared in disbelief because his looks are much altered. I started to laugh. I laughed extremely hard. I felt mean for laughing but I was laughing because I was holding on to the image of a 16 year old. I read some of his thoughts on things and I laughed harder. We had very little in common. A Weight lifted off of me and I felt as if I had experience 18 years of therapy in five minutes.

I looked up and saw Mike across the room. He looked at me and smiled and sang a little song he wrote about me that he only sings when we are alone. I was struck by how great his love is. How he loves me, all of me, not in spite of who I am but because of it. He is perfect for me in every way. I walked over to the sofa and gave him a kiss and he put his arms around me. I felt safe. The kind of safe that can't be stolen away by fear and the kind of love that wouldn't be taken away by a mistake or by hurt feelings. I realized that although Mike wasn't my first love he is the best love and the last love I will ever need. Thank you, God.

i'm okay.

This has been a fun weekend. On Friday we went to British Belle tea for wine tasting and dinner. Saturday we went to Brian and Nina's and had lovely dinner followed by hot tub balloon volleyball. It is the only volleyball I am good at and the only one I enjoy playing. Sunday we went to Wyomissing, hometown of Taylor Swift, to spend the afternoon and evening with my parents, Aunt, Uncle, cousin and a bunch of their drunk relatives. We ate some delicious steamers (clams and butter) and some equally delicious low country boil. We were told some stories about Taylor Swift when she was young because my cousin was friends with her when she was around 10. My cousin is a few years older. Today we went to Oktoberfest.

Blah blah blah. here is what I really want to say. I don't know if I want children. I finally admitted to myself that I really wanted to have a baby because I felt like I should and people keep asking me about it. When are you going to have kids? So, are you guys thinking about kids? Have you thought about kids? Do you guys want to have kids? I have been asked in many ways and frankly I feel like saying, "I'm infertile but thanks for asking". The point is not whether or not we want kids but whether or not we can conceive and right now and for the past 4 years the answer has been no. If someone doesn't have kids then they are either not trying to have kids at the moment or they are and it isn't going well. Either way, do you really think someone wants to talk about it? Cause I don't. I really don't. I am okay when a close friend asks but basically my closest friends know whats going on with me and don't have to ask.

I am selfish. I really need a lot of sleep. I love that I am the center of Mike's world. We are trying to save money to move out of the city and buy a nice house. Our child could be a serial killer. We could really mess a kid up. There are a myriad of reasons.

Maybe I do want a child someday. It doesn't even matter because I CAN'T CONCEIVE. DARN IT ALL TO HECK! I am so sick of caring about it. I just have to let it go for now and focus on becoming healthy. I keep losing my focus but I will not be happy with anything unless I lose weight. I know that in my heart.

So that i what I want to say. I am fully aware that my writing has been really bad for awhile now but I don't actually care much about that either. Sorry.

Time marches on

I cannot believe that August is over. When I was little it seemed like time dragged on forever. I was always waiting for something that seemed like it would never come. A birthday, Christmas, a vacation or spending the night at a friend's house. I was always told by adults that when you get older time flies by. I didn't believe them but man, it really is true. Fall is just around the corner. I personally believe that September is fall and it annoys me that it is still considered summer.

I love the fall as I have said many times. I love the winter too and I hope there is a ton of snow this year. I would say my favorite time of year is the 22nd of October until January 2. Anniversary, Thanksgiving, Mike's birthday, Christmas. Wonderful times.

As you may be able to tell, I am feeling a lot better. I had forgotten to take my meds for a couple of days and that coupled with "that time of the month" merged into the perfect storm of depression. However, all is right with the world now. Our neighbors have been much quieter lately. I still pray daily that they don't come back. I have started cleaning my house which always makes me feel better. I have this week off so I am going to do a deep clean.

Right now I have the windows and doors open so there is fresh air. I like the sound of the traffic outside. I feel peaceful.

I' been staring for a while. I don't know how long it has been. It may have been minutes, maybe hours. I feel like I should look at the clock. I don't look at the clock because I really don't care what time it is. Everything hurts. It hurts to move, to think, to try to cheer up. It all takes effort that I just don't want to expend.

I ask myself the same questions that I always do. I hate these questions. I feel so fucking pitiful. I feel like I should be past all this by now. Who AM I for fucks sake? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I have what I want? Why do I feel so sorry for myself? Why do I want to do things that are harmful to me and why for the LOVE OF GOD don't I change what I don't like about myself.

I just want to sleep. I just want too be high all of the time. I just want to be high. All. of. the. time. Maybe I was fine this past week. I can't remember. Maybe I'll feel great tomorrow. I hope I will. I see my therapist on Tues. It has been too long. I don't want to have to be in therapy forever. I can't stand myself right now. Maybe it is a really good thing that I can't conceive. Maybe God is sparing a child from one extremely fucked up mother. Sorry.

Turmoil

I feel like I must ask why is it that I can be so universally affected by things. Let me back up a bit. I love the ocean and I love swimming. I feel instantly better about life as soon as I become weightless in the water.I remember this one time being in the gulf of Mexico in Naples, Fl. The gulf is usually relatively calm and you could wade out pretty deep while still being in waist deep water. One time I was out enjoying the water when all of a sudden I found myself rolling along the sandy floor of the gulf. My body was getting really cut up and I was terrified that I was going to die. It was extremely unpleasant. That wave came out of nowhere and turned me upside down. Now it seems like I can go along totally happy in life and then something comes along like a rogue wave and knocks me down. From that point on for a really long time I feel like I am churning on the bottom of the ocean. The sad thing is that usually the wave is an issue that wouldn't be a huge deal to other people.

For example, Our really bad neighbors. We have never had bad neighbors before and these people are really tough to deal with. We have the fact that there is a group of loud teenagers on our front porch at all hours of the night. We have the perpetual trash heap both on the shared steps and flowing into our yard. We have the swarm of flies that is constantly buzzing around their trashcan because they put dirty diapers in there without a bag which now buzz around our trashcan cause they use that too. We had the incident of a kid climbing on to our roof. A piece of our steps has been broken off and our alarm system sign was stuck upside down into the ground. We have the fact that someone uses our hose without asking. This is indeed extremely annoying behavior but I feel hopeless. I feel anxious. I feel like my world is crumbling. I have panic attacks. I sobbed last night when we got home from Maine cause I just wanted to move there. I feel like these people are ruining my life. I don't want them to have that power but there is literally nothing to be done. We have tried saying something to them and we have tried being nice. I clean up the trash. I say hi to them when I see them.

Ok, I will admit something that is embarrassing to admit. I am embarrassed that I feel this way and embarrassed to admit it but I will. Here it goes...I think I might be prejudiced. I think that after the many bad experiences I have had with a certain race, I kind of feel like I don't like this group of people much. I wish I didn't feel this way. I have always tried to be a non racist person but it just feels like a certain race is the cause of a lot of the problems in my life right now. I know it isn't a race thing in my heart. I know what bothers me are inconsiderate, uneducated, selfish people and that can be any race at all. It is just sad that these people are acting in a stereotypical way. I hate that. I don't want to think that everyone in this race is the same way but it is really hard right now.

There. I admitted it. Feel free to think I am horrible.

Hi.

I have found recently that I say "hi" to strangers a lot more. I smile a lot more. I hold doors for people. I think this is nice. I have decided that even if people don't say hi or smile back at least I did my part. I have been trying hard lately to be a kind person. I don't think I am an unkind person by nature but it is very hard for me to hide my annoyance at people and situations. I am working on that. You know what else I have found out recently? If I pray for help to have peace or to not be annoyed at someone, God usually helps out. It's nice.

Mike and I are leaving on Saturday to go to Bar Harbor, Maine with my family. I am excited. We hired a pet sitter to come to our house twice while we are gone. I hope it works out and the cats aren't too mad or dead when we get home. I think two times during the week is good right? I mean, they have stayed a couple of nights by themselves a lot of times. I'm sure it will be fine.

I have started eating a low carb diet because of the insulin resistance. I feel pretty good today. I love carbs. It might get really hard.

bleh

I haven't been feeling well lately. I stopped taking my sugar medication because it went up to 50.00 a month and I was feeling better. Of course I was feeling better, I was on the meds. Yesterday I had a horrible sugar episode. I was sweating profusely, extremely weak and dizzy. Mike forced me to eat a cookie I started feeling better. I couldn't really talk cause my brain wasn't working. It was bad news.

Second issue:
I have been struggling with forgiveness. There is a person who has been in my life for a few years and I have known for awhile that they are not a safe person. I haven't been forced to spend too much time with said individual but recently spent a chunk of time with them. I can't go into details but this situation is odd. This person sees their own reality. They don't see truth at all and they cannot be convinced of anything that they do not want to see. I have been hurt by this person but there is no remedy for the situation. I simply have to forgive to keep my sanity and not put strain on other relationships that I hold dear. It is frustrating.

That is all.