Happy and hopeful

I am feeling pretty good lately. We had a wonderful time in Cincinnati. It was so weird, it was 9 hours a way but it felt like home to me. I felt like it was so peaceful and clean and I just felt really happy. We were staying with friends in the suburbs in the Maineville area. Mike has been friends with Paul for years. They both were raised in Delaware and ended up in Cincinnati. Mike was in Paul and Sonya's wedding and his kids call him Uncle Mike. I am Aunt Merry to them. It seems funny cause not even Lyric and Ollie call me Aunt. I met them before Mike and I got married but I then when through my social anxiety phase and didn't see them again until this trip Sonya and I are kindred spirits. It is crazy how much we have in common and how we really reconnect. Paul is awesome and really is so gifted with photography and design. Anyway, we all really get along.

I was planning on writing more but of of a sudden I don't feel like it anymore. Sorry.

Failing

I feel like I am failing at somethings. First, my health. I am sick and I have been in a lot of pain with my fibro. I feel like I am making bad choices and not taking care of myself. I was doing really well with not eating sugar and now it is like I can't stop eating it. I haven't been swimming in awhile and I have been drinking a lot of vodka lately.

I feel like I am failing with Dexter a bit. He is being crazy lately and I keep telling myself that he is only 3 1/2 months and he will not turn out to be a bad unruly dog. Today, looking at the scratches on my hands I'm not so sure.

I'm failing at being a Christian. I feel like I am not even sure what I believe anymore and I don't want to go to hell. I want to believe in the things I used to but they seem so unbelievable and not in a good way.

I'm failing at being a good wife. the house is always messy and I can't work more than 2 weeks out of the month without feeling bad physically and emotionally.

I'm failing at being a friend. Or at least it seems that way. I feel like no one wants to be with me, confide in me or invite me places anymore.

So that's how I am feeling today.

March 29,2010

I feel like I need to just write cause my mind is feeling jumbled up and I hate that.

I would say that peace is one of the things I value most in life. Peace and quiet. In my mind, please and also in my neighborhood. I don't get to really say what goes on in my surroundings too often but I should have a say what goes on in my mind. I would like to have peace. For the most part I have peace. Then something happens and I start to get anxious as which point I could let it snowball into a full blown panic attack or nip it in the bud. I've been nipping things pretty well lately. Just thought I'd let you know.

I would really like to move out of the city to a place that is clean, safe and quiet. A place that has a yard with grass.

Fiona is sitting on my shoulder and purring. I really love this girl.

Right now

I used to be able to come up with better titles. Heck, I used to be able to come up with better posts. Not so just now. I feel like I just need to get out what I want to say and don't feel like taking the time and effort I need to make it sound interesting and/or poetic. I don't think I was ever poetic exactly, just maybe a little more interested in making my posts well...fun to read. I feel like my creative side has been squashed for awhile. I guess because I have other things to take up my time these days. That makes me sad. Anyway, here is what is happening with me.

Dexter. That is what is happening. He is an adorable puppy that I love. He will be 10 weeks on Saturday and for the most part is training well. He gets sit. He mainly goes potty outside. He is much better at not biting us and responding to the word NO. He is not very good at not barking at the cats and biting their butts. He sleeps through the night. Did I mention he bites the cat's butts? Oh yeah, I did. He bites the cats butts. Sorry, it is kind of funny to me.

Birthday. Thursday.33. Not having a party this year. I kind of wish I was but I am too tired to plan one.

That's all for now.

March

March has usually meant good things for me. First of all, my birthday which is March 25th. Every year I would have a party of some sort and it was always magical. A whole day just for me. I got what I wanted to eat all day, received awesome presents and never had to go to school. I was truly in charge for the day. When I was a little older I started the circle of love. That was when everyone sat around and said what they like about me. We have been doing this for years and years and I never heard about any other family doing this until recently. I personally feel that you should always tell people what you like about them but especially on the person's birthday. This year I will be 33. I say that I can't believe it every year but this year I really cannot. 33. Holy smokies. Anyway, birthdays are fun for me so I am glad that it is coming up.

Secondly, spring. I think we are all ready for a good dose of warm weather and pretty flowers. I did pray for a snowy winter but...sheesh. I am also praying for a beautiful spring that lasts a good three months. None of this straight from winter to summer crapola. I want warm weather, please.

Thirdly, puppy will be here on Saturday. I am excited though, obviously, a little nervous about my past failures. I know this time will work out because well...it has to. I am making it work out. No more of this quitting stuff.

In other news, I officially switched to the Philadelphia campus of my school. I now teach the evening class there and it is really working out for me. It is only about 15 minutes to get there though it would be less if there were not so many lights on the Blvd. It takes me about an hour if I am going 60 to the Wilmington branch which I have been doing for a year and a half. I am amazed at how my gas needle moves so much slower these days. I am really not a morning person at all and therefore this works out so well for me.

Ok, so that is my update. Sick of writing right now. sorry for typos...I don't feel like reading this to check for them.

more puppy pics of Dexter the baby Cockapoo.

He is just 4 weeks.

His little blue collar says my name on it.

Pup

So, this is the final puppy. He will be mine until death do we part. I will not be giving him away. So, I had to make sure I picked a cutie. Right now he is only a month old so I have until March 6 before I can pick him up. He is a Cockapoo and I am getting him from the same place Josh and Kristen got their pup. I am very excited and a little nervous but it will be ok.

Been awhile

Sorry it has been so long since I posted last but I kind of forgot I had a blog.

Here is what is going on with me right now. I have off until the 18th of Feb and then I work a lot.

I am getting a puppy on March 6th. Now you are probably thinking,"Is she nuts". No, I am not. I am working full force with Kim Champion and have no doubts that I can do this. We are addressing my anxiety but identifying the triggers and exposing them for the bigger issues they are. Mike is on board too and that is a huge difference. I do wish you all to pray because I attempting to overcome this huge hurdle in my life. This irrational fear, or phobia, has got to go. I won't be letting the fear dictate how I live my life anymore.

Also, I am doing well with my weight loss. Overall, I have lost 26lbs altogether so far and 10 since starting weight watchers again after Christmas. I am setting small goals for myself and have 8lbs until I reach my first goal.

I am not eating sugar or dairy and this is helping me a great deal.

So, there is my small update.

Hope

I have decided to start Weight Watchers online again because if I stick to it it works. I do have some trepidation because I have started with such hope before and then fizzled out when the going got tough. I am really needing to lose weight in a major sort of way. I am trying to take steps to see if I can have weight lose surgery covered by my insurance. I have major issues. Physically and emotionally. I really believe I will die early and/or end up crippled for good if I don't get the weight off soon.

So here are my goals...

Continue counseling with Kim Champion. I had issues that I thought were delt with but they are not.

Keep track of my food intake daily

Swim for at least 30 minutes at least 3x a week. Preferable 45 minutes 4 times a week.

I could use some support. I really could.

Today

It has been a really long time since I blogged so I thought I would do it today. Funny how I used to be so keen on blogging daily and now the thought of trying to organize my thoughts and to make them interesting seems completely overwhelming. I hate to not blog for a while and then pop up with complaints but I also hate to be dishonest about where I am. Well, here it is. Things are just really frustrating. From huge things to little things, I feel like nothing is going right. I had such high hopes for the new year and things have seemed to go backwards before I even got started on my good new year. Here are some of the little things...my computer is old and the keys don't work. So in any given sentence I have words with either too many lettrs or not enough. See, in the past sentence it left out the E in letters. Usually, it leaves out the letter E and doubles the lettr O. SEE!! Anyway, it is truly annoying to have to go back and fix everything.

Secondly, my phone with the QUERTY keyboard won't charge anymore and hasn't for about a month. My new evry two coms up next week but since it broke I have been using my old RAZR. It doesn't work well and there is no qwerty, so texting is a huge pain in the buttocks.

Thirdly, my dress for Elizabeth's wedding didn't fit. IT DIDN'T FIT! I had to get it taken out and am praying that it fits.

Fourthly, it basically didn't fit because I haven't gotten my period in 67 days so my stomach is totally bloated. AND I am an emotional wreck.

Fifthly, I hurt back back in a major sort of way.

Ok, enough complaints right now. I know that there are people going through really tough stuff and these complaints seem minor. But due to the hormonal issue it seems like my life really sucks.

Sorry, hopefully I will write something more cheerful tomorrow.

Christmas time is here

Yay. You know, it has been a tough year. Usually around this time I take stock of the year and the things that have made the year unique and frankly, I can't remember much. I do know that I am excited for this year to be over. I am excited to wipe the slate clean and start anew.

Christmas has always been so special to me. I mean, I would get so excited and even now have dreams that start in April about missing Christmas. I really want to enjoy the holiday season and I will share with you a few things that I am doing in order to REALLY enjoy christmas. Here is the list. Drum roll please.

1. I look at my Christmas tree a lot. Sounds dumb but I park myself in front of it and work on the computer or read or whatever. I make sure I look at every part and really let the colors soak into my eyeballs. We get our tree around the first of December so I have a good month or so to look at it. Now, I am a fan of colored (not African American) lights because they seem more festive and are nostalgic. We always had colored lights on our tree when I was little. My dad used to do the blinking light thing but we haven't tried that yet.

2. I listen to christmas music. From old classics to new favorites I inundate my ears until I can barely stand it. This way when Christmas is over I am really really ready for non Christmas music. There are four old favorites that we use to listen to every year 1. Perry Como 2. Gladys Knight and the Pips 3. The New kids on the Block 4. Amy Grant(Tennesee Christmas). Certain songs take me back to specific memories so I shut my eyes and feel like I am right there.

3. I watch Christmas movies. Favorites are 1. A Muppet Christmas Carol 2. It's a Wonderful Life 3. Elf 4. A Christmas Story. Those are my top four.

4. Decorate gingerbread house with my family. We do this every year and it always makes me so happy. It is just fun. We sit around the table eating candy, laughing and trying to make the intense "royal" frosting work on the houses.About half way through we stop making them look pretty and try to just shove as much candy on it as possible.

5. I buy stuff on line but go to stores to look at the christmas displays. This way it is the best of both worlds. You don't have to deal with cranky people or lines of fussy shoppers. Yoou don't have to fight for parking. I shop in front of my christmas tree. See how that works. Then when I feel like it and not in a time crunch I will go to the mall usually when many people aren't there and just stroll around.

So, there you have it. I want to write more but I am tired.

Today I can't pull myself out of the sadness. It makes it all the worse because so many others are experiencing more pain than I. That is the thing about chemical depression it can't really be explained other than something is wrong in my brain. I do the right things or at least I do as much as I can. I am taking my medicine. I am exercising albeit not as much as I should. I try to remember my blessings and not focus on bad stuff. It is just this sad fog in my brain. It's a chore to get out of bed. It takes a lot of energy to get showered and dressed. My body is in pain. I feel so guilty. Why can't I just be happy?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. (Prov 3.5-6).

Something I have read and heard a thousand times at least. The six pence none the richer song often plays in my head at times of turmoil. It is such a simple thing to ask someone to do. Trust me. You don't understand what is going on, so just trust ME because I do. Why can't I do that? I mean, He has never steered me wrong. I have never trusted God and then been let down. Why can't I just realize that I don't know what is going on? I need help. I mess things up...a lot. Recently, I have been making one mistake after another. I think I am making a good decision but then it blows up in my face. I think that I am doing well and then something or someone reminds me that, "you know what? you kind of suck." I do kind of suck at a lot of stuff. I have had a lot on my mind lately and when my brain is filled up with questions and tossing waves of obsessive thoughts I have a hard time doing things that I am supposed to do. Clean the house, do the dishes, go food shopping, deposit my paycheck. Even going swimming is a chore though I love to do it. Mike comes home for work and is just kind of sad that I didn't do anything. He isn't a jerk. He is wonderful but it makes him really sad when I don't take care of things he has trusted me to take care of. So, if I make Mike sad and he can't trust me to take care of things why do I trust myself to make things better for myself. Shouldn't I just trust the One who never gets things wrong? Who never let's any of us down? I should and I want to. Even just writing this gives me the hope that I will start to trust Him and have the peace that passes my understanding.

This is just a hard and crappy time for so many people. I hear something new everyday, about someone being ill or someone's child dying or other horribly sad things going on in the world. It is just so hard to have peace but we have to. We have to believe that there is Someone who knows what He is doing and that all things work together for good. I have to believe it. I do believe it.

right now

Thanksgiving is next week and I cannot believe it. In celebration I thought I would relive some Thanksgiving memories from my past.

I remember several Thanksgivings where I would wake up in the morning and my mother would already have the turkey in the oven and the smell would be permeating the house. One year she made this delicious date and nut bread that I slathered with butter. I made a huge glass of Nesquik, which we rarely had, and went to the spare bedroom to watch the Macy's parade. I think we usually had some family or friends over and when we ate I would eat way too much Turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy, stuffing(oyster stuffing is my favorite) cranberry sauce(the kind without whole berries and straight from the can, and pumkin or German chocolate pie for dessert. Then I would take a nap. For dinner we would have leftovers.

The end.

sooooorrrry.

So, maybe you have seen that I have been over dramatic lately. hyper sensitive, if you will. Well, you see, yes, be prepared to be shocked...I forgot to take my medicine, yet AGAIN. Why don't I just remember to take it and all will be well. When I take it I don't get offended easily, I don't blow up situations when they are really small. I don't want to quit my job or think I am getting fired when someone says something negative at work.Most importantly, I don't freak out and feel like I don't know my husband because he shaves his face or says one tiny thing that throws me off guard. ARGGG! Sorry, to all who have been affected by my non medicated behavior.

frowny face

You know, something has been on my mind lately and I need to get it out. Fat people have feelings too, damn IT. Seriously, you can't make fun of gay people, and rightfully so, without getting into a load of trouble, I got in trouble at work for calling a situation retarded, and if you say anything about someone who is physically handicapped you are a douche bag. So, why are people still allowed to say stuff about fat people? It is the subject of so many jokes and people think it is perfectly ok to say mean things about overweight people. Well, it hurts. Mike and I have been made fun of at various times of our lives for being overweight and it is really painful. Movies that are portraying an unattractive person always show someone who is really overweight. on Friends when it was "fat monica" she acted metally challenged, like you can't be normal or cool if you are overweight. Friends say to my face that it isn't a big deal and that overweight people can be attractive but they would never find someone who is overweight attractive. It makes me really angry.

Fatty, out.

paddled

I attended Christian school my whole life. I think that for the most part I had a good experience and am really grateful that my parents made the sacrifice to send us there. Mike's parents sacrificed a lot to send him to Christian school and I know he is grateful as well. Some of the things that I loved about Christian school was the sense that God was real. I mean, everyone I know believed that he was real and that Jesus was our savior and the answer to that age old question of what happens to you when you die. I knew where I was going. I knew that the answers to all my spiritual questions were in the Bible. It was a very secure feeling and for a kid in a unstable family that security was mighty nice.
The music/drama class was great. We put on children's musicals for Christmas and then again in the spring. It was so fun and those shows are some of my favorite memories.

There are of course things I didn't like as well but the main one I can think of is the corporal punishment. Paddling. I was paddled. Twice. Twice for things that were not paddle worthy in my mind. I was spanked by my teacher with a huge wooden paddle while the principal watched. It hurt and it was humiliating. I just got the chills thinking about it.
I believe that no one has the right to strike your child. I cannot believe it was legal.

That feeling of being paddled, that humiliation and pain still is very real and fresh.

Today, I feel like I was paddled. Not physically, but it hurt and humiliated me just the same.

I was going along fine minding my own business thinking everything is fine and then BAM! I got in trouble at work. Apparently some students complained about a few things. Some are true...I have a horrible habit of calling something retarded when I think it is wrong. Some were completely false. I tried to handle it but I just started crying. My boss felt bad. he was just doing his job. But it hurt. I cried all the way home and I cried at home. Mike brought me flowers and he cheered me up in other ways. I still feel like I got paddled. I feel like I always get in trouble. In essence it wasn't even a huge deal. It isn't like I am on probation or in big trouble or anything. I just feel at 32 that I am too old to get in trouble. Please tell me I am not the only one who still gets in trouble.

By the way, Mike just used the word retarded to describe a situation. I think I need to paddle that boy.

Lightbulb

I don't know how to write this post without A. sounding like I am praising myself and B. maybe sounding like a jerk. So, I will just write and hopefully it sounds ok. The other day Mike commented that maybe I should start trying to get a few massages to supplement my extremely part time job. I immediately contacted some people to get massages and told them I would do it for free. What the heck, Mer? It didn't hit me until later that maybe it was defeating the purpose to not charge for the massages especially since I now live more than an hour away from everyone. So, I started booking people and charging them. I still couldn't bring myself to charge full price. I just cannot charge what I should be charging.

I was thinking and thinking and getting down on myself. I thought,"You are a coward. You are afraid people won't think you are worth it. You don't want people to be mad at you". Then I realized something. Yes, I like getting paid the full amount for a massage because it helps Mike and me out. BUT I also really love being able to use my gift to bless people. I mean, where else could someone get a great massage at their house for 25.00 and a batch of cookies? I love to barter. I love getting paid in creative ways. It is just fun.It makes me feel like an old time doctor getting paid in chickens.

Also, massage always makes people so thankful and grateful. They think you are a hero because you make them feel better. I love being a hero. I love having a special skill that people love. I also love when people tell me that they won't ever go to another massage therapist because I am the best. I love when people think I am the BEST at something. It isn't often that I am the best at something.

Anyway, I realized that I love having a purpose. I love blessing people. I love getting paid too so hopefully I can incorporate the two.

What is my problem

My body hurts so much. I don't know why or what has changed. It is a horrible feeling.I ache from head to toe.

Also, I have been so cranky lately. People I usually love are bothering me. People that I never see but for some reason I have this crankiness in my heart towards them and I don't know why.

I snapped at a guy at the gym. He was this older black man who was staring at my body when I got in the jacuzzi. I said,"Can't you stop looking at me"? He said, "huh"? and I said," CAN YOU STOP LOOKING AT ME". I then sat in the jacuzzi and tried to act normal but I felt really dumb. When I got out I apologized but he was still staring at my chest. I wanted to tell him to stop looking at me again.

I don't know what my problem is but I hate everything right now.

oh and....

Ollie and Lyric met us at the airport with THESE!!!!