Oh Man!

Darby just sent me this. How can anyone be grumpy when there is a pensive tiger on the loose.(who's fur looks a tad too small)

Back to black

Do you know how horrible it feels to be depressed when you know that you should be happy? Everything is going well and I am getting all that I wanted,all that I thought would make me happy and because I am fucking mentally ill nothing seems good. I just want to claw at my insides. I want to take a knife to the part that is hurting right now and pop it out of my chest. Don't try to point out the good in my life because I know it is there. That is the problem. I know I should be happy.

Well, as you can tell. I am not well. I am back on the fucking lexapro.

Jealous...yet again

I am having one of those days where I feel so inadequate and mediocre. Wait let me start over.
I am a lover of the arts. I am a lover of creativity. I am a lover of money. I am a lover of compliments. Therefore I am extremely jealous of those people who are creative and make cute fun creative things and then sell them for money and have people rave about how cool they are. I am just so not extremely talented and I really just want to be. I wish someone would just teach me how to do something cool so I can amaze people and have people snatch up all the stuff I make. I want to write songs that people think are great. I want to be super good at SOMETHING.

Nice

I finally hit the 5lb lost mark on Weight Watcher's . Whew. that was tough. It will hopefully be easier without the lexapro holding me back. So I have lost about 8lbs altogether. I am happy with that and it gives me hope for the future.

In other news, we go to settlement on the house in 20 days. I am very excited.

Also, Mike said that if I stop biting my nails and let them grow out I can get a puppy. Sucka! I can do that... no sweat. We can't get a pup until we move into the house and we are looking for a small breed. Hopefully a rescue and probably older. If you know of any looking for a home give me a shout.

Jealous

I am having a jealous day. I wish I wasn't. jealousy is one of the most horrible feelings on earth and I know that I struggle with it. These are the things I am jealous of today.

1. On the Weight Watchers community board there was a lady who was disappointed that she is only losing 3lbs a week and wanted advice as to how to lose weight faster. Idiot. Jerk. Insensitive bitch. These are the horrible things that I said to her in my head. Then I realized that I was jealous that I wasn't losing weight faster. Even though I still think the idiot thing applies because losing weight faster than 2bls a week is dangerous and insensitive because no one else seems to lose that fast. However, I know my negative feelings are truly fueled by jealousy.

2. I am jealous of my pregnant friends. There are so many of them working on their second children while I am having a hard time conceiving my first. Of course I am happy for them...no really I am....it is just hard for me to really feeeeeeeel the happiness because I am jealous.

I guess that is it for now. I am trying to reconcile my feelings and be happy for what I have and to have hope for the future that I will get what I want.

Things to be happy about

I am feeling depressed and achy and tired and sick in my stomach and sad that I am not pregnant so I will make a list of things that I am happy about and hopefully I will start to feel happy. I am not going to list the usual stuff that goes without saying like, God and family and friends. I am going to go kind of surfacing and not deep cause I can't think deeply right now.

1. I was able to clean the kitchen today and it felt good
2. I had some tasty tuna and crackers for lunch
3. I am sticking to my points and feeling good with Weight Watchers
4. I don't have to work today and I am going to take a nap in a minute
5. Mike said I might be able to rescue a dog for my birthday after we move into our house.
This is an improvement from when he told me no firmly and said end of discussion.
I probably won't get one but it nice to know that it is a possibility.
6.We go to settlement on the house in less than a month
7. The withdrawal from Lexapro is actually going better than I anticipated
8. I didn't get Mike's sickness
9.I am going to spend time with family this weekend
10. My tulips from Mike look especially beautiful today

They might be a stretch but I did the best I can

Britney Spears

Can I just say that I like Britney. I like her songs and I feel really sorry for her. I have this bad feeling that she is going to end up dead before too long. Have you every listened to Everytime? It is a really beautiful song and it just makes me want to cry. Of course everything makes me want to cry these days.

Going off Lexapro

Wow. It is insane. On Saturday morning I had one of my withdrawal meltdowns. Sobbing, sobbing, hypervenilating, sobbing, shaking, can't understand words. My whole body hurts like someone has been pummeling me from all sides and stabbing me in the back. My breasts hurt like I am pregnant. I get really overwhelmed really quickly and then I snap. It is literally like I cannot wrap my head around simple things. Then I take a bit of Lexapro and it is ok. So as of now I take 10mg when I am experiencing withdrawal...every couple of days. Then I will go down to 5mg....ETC. I used to take 20mg a day. I have read that people gain 70lbs in a year on Lexapro. So I am not that strange. I can't write anymore.

The Beach

Mike and I decided to go to the beach today. I think Mike needed a change of scenery due to illness and we both needed some fun time together. We went to the Jersey shore and it was lovely. It was also really cold so we didn't stay too long because of the aformentioned illness. It was great to be there though. Water is one of my favorite things on earth especially in the form of the ocean. That is one reason why I called this blog Oceans...cause I love the ocean. Ok, enough of that. Anyway, it is very cathartic and it always makes me feel like I spent some time in therapy. We are going to head back when it gets a little warmer.

I love Tulips

Tulips are my favorite flower and despite the fact that he has the flu, Mike ordered me some and had them to to the house for Valentine's Day. What a good man.














The Figs likes tulips too.

Da Flu

I didn't get a flu shot this year. I have actually never gotten the flu shot and I don't remember ever getting the flu. Mike on the other hand got paid to get the shot. His company literally paid the employees to get the flu shot. You know what else Mike got? The flu. He has it right now and he is miserable. If you know Mike you know that he rarely takes off work and never for sickness unless he is feeling really bad or if he is afraid of infecting others. Yesterday I got a call and it sounded like a bear was on the line, "babe, can you pick me up" I said , "Do you feel sick"? and he said"That is correct". I think only Mike would say that is correct when he was feeling so badly. I picked him up and he was kind of cranky. I cut him some slack and made him some lunch. I then told him to take a nap. He was less cranky after his nap. I went to work and came back and the poor guy was wearing two sweatshirts and a hat and was bundled up under blankets. It was all I could do to not laugh at him because he looked hilarious. I figured it wasn't a good idea to make fun of the sicky. Anyway, Mike called off of work today and has been asleep all day. I went into check on him and he asked me a question. Before I could finish my sentence he was asleep again. Poor baby.

Weight Watchers

I started weight watchers online and a new blog to go with my weight loss journey. However, not everyone will have access to that blog. My point in saying this is that I might post some stuff from that blog on here but not the really honest stuff...like how much I weigh. This blog is public and I don't feel like sharing all of my secrets with everyone. um, that is all I want to say right now.

I am doing it...and I need all the help I can get.

I just weighed myself for the first time in a long time and I am heavier than I ever thought possible. Instead of getting depressed and doing nothing I am going to be aggressive. I started counting calories and have set the reasonable goal of losing 147 lbs by August 2009. I am swimming three times a week and I am going to try to drink 640z of water a day. I am not cutting out sugar completely but I am going to try to incorporate better foods into my diet and only have a small amount of sugar a day until I am off of it.

I need my friends to pray for me. This is something I really want and need to do.

Hip hip!

Yay! The owner accepted our offer! We are (lord willing) going to be home owners! We go to settlement on March 15th. Mike and I are really excited. Thanks to all of you for the encouragement and prayers.

waiting

I hate waiting. I feel like I have been waiting for my whole life. I know I should be patient but I just feel like I need to know now. It just kind of sucks when you have to wait for an answer about one thing before you can move on to another thing. The house for instance. It has been nearly 1 month since we told the agent that we wanted to put in an offer.She needs to really get on the ball. I know that the price of the house is just a drop in the bucket compared to some sales she is probably dealing with but good grief. She will tell us we need something so we work really hard to get it thinking that that is what she needs to make the offer and then I won't hear from her so I assume she has made the offer. A couple of days later I will catch up with her and ask her what is going on and she will be like, "oh, I need this too". Sometimes she tells us she needs something that we have never heard of but she insists that she sent it twice already. Sometimes we will send her things a couple of times and she will say she never got it. It is so frustrating. I wish it could just be simple. We can't find another agent cause she has all of our information. We can't look at other houses because she might make the offer. It is just all up in the air. We need to tell our apartment management whether we are leaving in April but we don't want to do that until we know for sure that we have a house. This is just so annoying to me. I know people have said it is stressful to buy a house but... jeez.

Wishes for 2008

When I was turning 28 my mom asked me what I wanted for that year. I said, "Um, to be engaged". She laughed and said,"Maybe you should find a guy first". 7 Months later I was married. I didn't try to make that happen but Mike and I went on our first date a couple of days later and the rest is history. That was two years ago and I haven't made any big wishes out loud since. So I was thinking that I would make some wishes and share them on my blog.

So what do I want for 2008? Well, let's see...I want to own a nice cozy house and I want to have a baby. Too tall of an order? I think not. If God can let me go from never having a serious boyfriend to being married in 7 months I really think he can handle those two requests. I am excited. Next year this time we will see if my wishes for 2008 came true.

Etsy

I don't know about you but I love handmade, one of a kind anything. I love the idea that I got something cool and original that no one else will have. I also like supporting those who are cool and crafty and able to make awesome stuff.

Etsy is a awesome site that has a ton, and I mean a TON of really nice stuff that you can get for those you love including yourself. I have a few friends that have sold some of their goods on there (peedlebug awesomeness) and some that are planning to do so. Granted there is so much stuff that is impossible to see everything cool and weed out the stuff that may be cool to some but not really to anyone I know. There are some tricks to searching. One thing I found that works is when you find something you like by a cool person you can see what their favorite items are and their favorite sellers. If you keep doing this you stumble upon a whole lot of good stuff. Take a look.
http://www.etsy.com/

More things I love

I like to think of my "things I love" posts as Oprah's favorite things show. Granted, I don't give away huge expensive presents and I don't think anyone will pass out while reading it, well , hopefully not cause that would mean something was wrong with them. Anyway, here are some more of the things I love and some things I recommend trying if you haven't already.

1. Bath and Body works 3 in 1 in Dreamy Chocolate Mint. This was the BEST white elephant gift a girl could receive.Thanks to Linds, the best little sis. You can use it as shampoo, bubble bath and body wash. I have used it as all three and let me tell you what...it works great and the smell is amazing. I follow it up with the DCM lotion and feel soft and smell great all day.

2. Dirty Sexy Money...the show. I wasn't planning on watching it because I assumed it would be all sex and no story line. Quite the opposite and pleasantly surprising. Extremely lovable characters and multiple story lines that draw you in and keep you coming back for more. It comes on ABC at 10:00pm on Wed nights. If you have Comcast digital cable you can get the new show on demand the next day.

3. The Namesake...the book. Uh, Fabulous. You have to read it. It is just great.


Ok, so there are only three things that I am mentioning right now because I can't think of anything else. I will keep you posted .

Five things I have done right

I have been tagged by Jen to say five things I have done right and because I never ignore a tag I will try my best to think of them. Most of my five things are basically huge steps to one common goal. I hope that counts because they have changed my life.

1. I decided to be healed.
When I was 18 years old I realized that I was royally F'ed up. I had huge mental and emotional issues and I decided to embark on the journey of wellness. The first step I took was getting prayer whenever the heck I could. The second step was...

2. Going to YWAM for my DTS.
This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Making the decision that I couldn't stop the endless cycle of drinking, drugs, depression and bulimia without completely taking my life out of my hands and putting it in God's. I literally felt the physical pain of the strongholds in my life being broken. I learned about forgiveness and forgave my parents and others that had done damage to me over the years. This also led me to #3

3. I admitted that I still had mental illness and went to a therapist.
Who helped me heal, realize my goals, and overcome my fear of men. Which led me to number 4.

4. I married Mike. Who completes me in a way that only Jerry Maguire can understand. Just kidding. He is perfect for me and completely worth the wait.

5. I maintained my friendships with some seriously AMAZING people who are now just like family to me. Missy, Elizabeth, Elis, and Jessica. I have been so close to all of them for over 10 years and most of them over 15.(missy 27 years). Plus, I am extremely close to my two sisters Darb and Linds, who I couldn't have survived without.

So there are 5 things I did right. I believe there are more but I will stick with the five.

spillage

I know for a fact that when you are a dedicated blog reader it is really annoying when one of the blogs you frequent hasn't been updated in awhile. I apologize for my lack of posting. I have started several entries and then simply lost steam. I usually reread what I write and find it boring or badly written and I think no one will be interested. I did have a friend or two prompt me to start writing again, which was nice. I will simply spew forth what is in my head right now and you can take it or leave it.

First, thanks for those praying for my "lady issues". I decided to go a natural route as long as possible because of all the side effects that come with traditional fertility drugs.I have been taking daily doses of Fertili-tea. Which is a bunch of herbs that allegedly regulate your cycle and promote optimal conditions for conception. It tastes like peppermint and I enjoy drinking it. I am not sure if I am altering its effectiveness because I make it into iced tea and put sugar in it. It was too much of a hassle to always make it hot because it is loose tea and I don't have an infuser anymore. It seems to be working. Or at least the prayer is helping. I haven't been bleeding nearly as much or as often. This is great news to me. I have decided to not stress out about having a baby. If it is meant to be it will happen. I have a peace about that so I am just going to go with it.

Another big thing that is going on right now is that Mike and I are trying to buy a house. We found one that we like within a price range, in a good area, and we are putting an offer in on it. We can't settle until the end of April, so we hope it works out. It is in Northeast Philly about 20 minutes south from where we are now. It is exciting and I hope it works out.

My furry baby, Naughty Miss Fi,(Fiona) is, as we speak, doing her annoying suckle/knead/purr/drool thing on my shoulder.I don't know why she only does it to me but I don't like to be covered in kitten drool. She is going to have to be spayed soon. If anyone knows of a low cost program please let me know.

My dear friend Nina, has informed me that her big gray and white cat, aptly named, Gray and White, has misplaced himself. Please let us join in prayer for his safe and speedy return to their home.

So that is what is going on in my head right now. Hopefully I will keep you up to date on the happenings in my life.