Nice one

Just for today, Do not anger.

So, I have started my Reiki classes and for those of you who do not know what Reiki is, look it up. Lot's of people think it is a new age or creepy thing to do and really, it isn't. It's just the laying on of hands. It uses energy which we all have to heal. I make sure that I am giving credit to Jesus. He gives us the energy, in my book.

Anyway, the first principle to live a life of happiness is, "Just for today, do not anger". We focus on the moment, the present and we do not let anger get the best of us. Anger hurts us and it hurts those around us. I have been letting go of anger. It is quite liberating. In fact, I recently saw someone that I was EXTREMELY angry with at a party for a friend. I was able to tell him that I forgive him. I told him that we wouldn't be close but I would be civil. I told him that I don't trust him( and probably never will) but I will not actively harbor anger towards him.He thought that was nice but... it wasn't for him. It was for me and for others who were affected by my anger. I feel good about it. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I have let go of the anger cause let's face it, sometimes people fuck up BIG TIME. Then again, so do I. It's important to remember that.

I'm still feeling content with my life. I'm really enjoying simple things. I always have but sometimes, in the past, I have felt perpetual discontentment. I would always think I would be happy if I just had the next thing or if a certain situation would resolve. But things break and we can't control other people or their behavior. I want people to act and be a certain way but I. CANNOT. CONTROL. THEM. It is kind of rough to come to terms with that but it is just the plain damn truth. So, I'm trying to be what I value in other people. I'm trying to change what I can and release trying to control what I can't. It's like that old completely overused Serenity Prayer. I always wondered why the 12 step groups used it. Cause it's kind of true.

Just for today. I will not anger.

A new post for you

Here you go, loyal readers. I am sorry that I have been neglectful but in fact have been not only quite busy but also quite unmotivated as well. Forgiven? Ok, so a few things.


A. Been meditatin'. Not just meditating. Meditatin' makes you so relaxed that you leave of the g. I made that up. I have been doing guided visualizations. Nothing crazy or weird just going to my sacred place which is just a non overused version of my "happy place".It really helps me to get a hold of my emotions and quiet my spirit. I love it and I have seen a huge difference in the way I feel towards others.

B.I discovered fried pickles. Oh lordy. Hold me back. Them things is taaaasty little critters. Jeez, I cannot stop thinking in a southern drawl. Oh well, I'm fixin to just go with it. So, about them picks'. They are dill pickle chips dips in batter and deep fried. You then dip them in this tasty sauce. It's salty and sweetish and sour and dilly. Yum. I want some. real bad. They are $4.50 for a small order so I can't just get them whenever I want. I can dream about them, though.

My roses are so beautiful this year. I say that every year. They are fantastic and huge and yellow with pink outlining the petals. I also have pretty climbing roses. I ALSO have a doggie licking my face right now. Now that doggie is breathing his doggie breath on my face. Now that doggie is trying to get me to play so he is biting my hand. I am bored of writing this.

I can think of nothing to write. Adios.

What happen to the customer always being right? and other complaints from the old man...and me

Ok, so maybe there is some kind of Karma thing going on here or maybe customer service just sucks these days. Either way today we experienced the second experience in less than a week where the lack of good customer service or common decency, for that matter, left mike and I feeling a bit kicked in the old crotcharoo.

Last weekend Mike and I went away to Island beach AKA Tom's River,New Jersey. Mike and I had been there before and were in good spirits but it was after we couldn't find the hotel, were made to feel incredibly stupid by the manager of the hotel and then told they were charging us an extra 50.00 from the price quoted to us in an email that I was feeling mighty grumpy. This guy was so rude to us for no reason we both had to hold our anger at bay. My annoyance grew after mike started driving in circles looking for another hotel while they all looked like you could rent the room by hour. IF you know what I mean. I said in a snippy voice, "Can we just go to beach".Mike tried to find a place to park but for some reason was driving really slowly, which pissed me off more. COME ON! I said. I knew I was acting like a giant bitch but at the moment I couldn't stop. I couldn't. Bitchiness was flowing out of me like the river of life and I could NOT put a cork in it. I stomped out of the car and stomped down the beach. Literally. Stomped. Like a child. Like ME as a child when I would stomp up the stairs and into my room. If the beach had a door I would have slammed the hell out of it. This was my birthday celebration and it was ruined by a rude man with a graying bowl cut. I kid you not. He had a friggin bowl cut. It was graying. I was thinking the whole time, "seriously dude? you are going to be rude? Cause you have a BOWL CUT and you are like 50." Anyway, I stomped down to the beach expecting Mike to feel sorry for me. I am wondering what is taking so long for him to come down and do one of his, "listen babe..." speeches which always ends up with how he loves me so much and he just wants me to be happy so he'll do whatever I want. I turn around to see what is taking him so long and he has his big camera out and is snapping pictures like a tourist with nothing on his mind. I stomp up to him and say, "Can we LEAVE ?! I hate this place right now. I hate it. I want to go home. I am ready to have a panic attack!" I start stomping away and Mike, snapping a few more pictures, gets in the car. I start to cry and say that I realize I am acting like a brat but I am just so mad at the retarded guy with the retarded hair. Mike turns to me and proceeds with his," Listen Babe..." speech. He found a nice comfort inn and the rest of the night was really nice.

TODAY, Mike and had another bad experience with customer service. without going into it, it wasn't as bad as our trip experience but it was still frustrating. Mike made me feel better by taking me to the really nice restaurant called...something. I forget the name. Like, Federal, no CAPITAL, that's it...Capital Grill. Actually, it was a swanky place so I'm pretty sure there was E on the end of Grille. I had this amazing crab and lobster cake and Truffle fries. Truffle as in mushroom truffle. Not chocolate. Anyway, it was DELISH. The kind of food that makes you wonder what you were eating before cause it sure's the hell wasn't food.

Oh update...I wrote this post last night and today Mike got a call from the GM of JCPenney where we had the issue yesterday. He rectified the sitch so good customer service still exists. Hooray for the world.

Oh, and lastly, Mike just got a log term job today. It isn't permanent but seems to be a really good thing for us right now. Hallelujah.

Spring and things

It's almost officially spring but it is already spring in my head and heart. My flowers are starting to bloom, the weather is getting warmer and I have been celebrating my birthday with people. I might rush spring a bit but with all the cold weather in my town and in my heart I'm ready for some serious warming all around. My depression was particularly bad this winter as was my substance abuse. If you have ever experienced such emotional pain then you know how life feels like spring when you start to see the flower buds of hope popping up. When you have severe depression you don't really see the flowers though you might be looking straight at them. You can't feel the sun though you know that it is shining on you. It is like everything is colored gray like a black and white movie. The movie isn't interesting though, it is just on in the back round creating noise when you are trying to sleep. So when you start feeling better it is like little parts of the movie have color again. Maybe a woman's lips are red. Maybe there is a green blade of grass. Then more and more things are turning colors until you are intrigued with the movie. Then you start to hear the dialogue and you start laughing until finally you think,"Oh I REMEMBER this movie. It's my favorite." It's a great feeling. a great great feeling.

This is all I want to say now.

Double Shift

Today I'm working a double shift. Teaching a morning and night class. Wait, I just have to real quick say that the stink is still an issue so I am pressing through the impulse to stand up and shout, "LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT, PEOPLE" at the top of my lungs. However, being the day it was I don't want to press my luck. I am talking about the fact that several people from our campus got laid off and one got fired. A friend of mine, a teaching assistant, was one of the heads on the block. I feel sad that he is gone but also a sense of relief that I was told that I was "safe". That was the word used. You know, while he was really fun to have around, he had some strange habits.A. He sniffed me. Like he would put his nose to my arm and breath in my scent. He would say I smell wonderful. Now, I am aware that I have achieved that intoxicating mix of fresh.light.clean. But well, I'm a married girl and if I weren't it would still be kind of odd to just breathe in my arm, albeit the intoxicating fresh. light. clean. So that's weird. He does have a good sense of humor and made me laugh. He also thought I was his age, 24, so that's pretty cool.

Moving on to my other friend that I work with. This friend I love. This friend is hilarious and really sweet and super cute. This friend has been flirty with me for about a year but I didn't think anything of it because he IS a homosexual after all. He is openly gay. This friend told me today that he has a crush on me. Like, a for real crush. I said, "You're GAY". He said it doesn't matter because he still can get a crush on girls and he thinks I'm so cute. That's really flattering and sweet and all but...um. I'm confused.

In between classes today I didn't have enough time to go home so I went into a dark room, played music and took a nice little nap. As I was leaving the room I saw a super cute man walk in the door. It took me a few seconds in my freshly napped state to realize that it was Mike. My husband Mike. He had come to visit me because he loves me. He said I had a really sweet expression on my face like I was totally happy and surprised to see him. I was. It was so so sweet of him to come and I just felt so warm and safe and special to him. It was a small moment in time but for some reason it was one of my favorite ones thus far.

This room literally smells like one giant stinky armpit. Like maybe the walls are made of pits or something. I had to announce that it smells. I said, "OK, so it smells like stinky arm pits". Everyone was like, "It's not me". I said, "well, I'm just saying". One of my students, that I love, said in his cute little Spanish accent, "Well, she is just saying that good hygiene is important". He is not the one that smells. I know who it is. She was the first to say,"It's not me, I'm wearing deodorant". I said in my head,"Reapply." I should have said it out loud.

Things in my head

Since I write what I am feeling and then often leave it as a draft or erase it before I post, I have decided to just write and post. Boom. Write and post. Boom. Just like that. Just like what is in my head will just spill out and then I will post it. Boom. Just like that. Sorry. Anyway, so this is what is in my head....


Hygiene. More specifically, the lack of good hygiene. I never would have believed this but I come in contact with numerous students who literally stink. Like, truly smell bad. I even teach a huge chapter on hygiene and germs and all that jazz. I make it a point to be specific about how horrible it is for a massage therapist to smell bad. I'm talking bad breath, horrible under arm odor that clearly smells like the person A. wears no deodorant and B. hasn't showered for a few days. Stinky feet, like they never change their socks and have some sort of fungus. Smelly hair, like that yucky old oily hair stink. and worst of all...I mean really truly gag me with the stench, butt and/or crotch odor. Like men and women that smell of stinky butt/crotch. What the HELL people. What. THE. HEEEEEELLLLLLLLLL. These people are adults and I have to tell them that other class mates have complained about their hygiene. It's so uncomfortable for me and the worst part is is that they just go on stinking. Ok, so, I kid you not. As I write this a student came over to get a paper towel because she was sweating and she smelled like pit stink. She is in her 30's. She doesn't look like she should stink but yet...she really does.

So I, as someone who is A. Married to a remarkable unstinky man and B. obsessed with smelling pleasant have some questions. First, may I state for the record that I might even take the hygiene overboard. Yes, I shower and wash my hair every day but I also take a bath at night. That is usually for pain relief and relaxation but I suds up for sure. I like to smell clean and feel fresh. I brush my teeth twice a day but also floss like it's going out of style. I actually love to floss. I've never had a cavity so...I'm pretty proud of that. I use deodorant and powder. Powder works great for the undies. In fact, I use Lush powder in the aptly named Silky Underwear. I use lotion and spray on my body . The effect is fresh, light and clean. that's how I want the air around me to be. SO, I feel assaulted when I get hit with a wall of stench. Oh right, my questions are A. Do you know you smell and B. Why do you smell? Do you not smell that stinky smell and wonder," hmm, is that me?" and if you do do you not think to your self,"hmm, shouldn't I do something about that stink"? It boggles my mind people. My mind is officially boggled.

Ugh. Bleck. I'm smelling it. I'm smelling it right now. The stink. The stank. The stunk. It wafts in this direction. I checked to see if it was me. Of course, I am normal so that is the first thing I do. It is not. I have achieved the desired Fresh.Light. Clean.

So besides having a almost visual cloud of green noxious gas floating in front of my face I also have a horrible headache. Maybe it's because of the green gas cloud.

That what's going on with me. Write. Post. Boom. Just like that.

Better

I have been feeling much much happier lately. As some of you know, if there is anyone who still reads my neglected blog, I have had a pretty tough couple of years. The past few months have especially sucked. I had some stress, anger and sadness that were the dominant emotions in my life. In order to make myself feel better I kicked the drinking and other stuff up a good 40 notches. That was a completely random estimate of notches kicked. I don't even know what that means, sorry. My point is that I was drinking a lot. A LOT a lot. As in, drinking at inappropriate times and being drunk when I should not be drinking at all. Also, drinking massive quantities of whatever I could get my hands on and smoking stuff that isn't legal.That went on for a good year, I'd say.

So a few weekends ago I hit rock bottom. I won't go into details but it involved a weekend that I can't quite recall. Mike filled me in on why water was pouring through the ceiling and why we needed a new toilet. Why he was washing sheets and my pajamas and why he hid a bottle of sleeping pills.

Darby had me go back and look at some texts I had sent and explained why she was going to call an ambulance from California.

Bad bad weekend. The good news is that I am on my antidepressant like I should be. I also have chosen to live a sober lifestyle.

I have also chosen to heal from anger and hurt and make my relationship with God a priority.

So far so good. It's a struggle to live a healthy life but it's what I want.

Fancy little song I wrote

Trying to work out some issues right now




"I'm a really kind girl
one of the kindest I know.
There isn't actually too much these days that I just haven't let go.

But when you came to my world you started out like a song one that I didn't like much at first but then I assumed I was wrong.

Then you f-cked up my world and therefore it will be a better place without you. Good good riddance to bad bad rubbish. Yes that rubbish is you. Yes, the shit is you."

Not done yet but I think it is a good start.

Why don't I post more? and other things...

You know, there was a time in my life when I wrote more often. Not just on my blog but in general. I wrote in my journals and I often found myself following up on ideas for stories.Why don't I wrote more now? I think my issue is not time. I have plenty of time. I think it is a mixture of lack of creativity and lack of confidence. I start to write and then I reread the words and think they are crap. I think, " who would want to read this"? I wonder if people would talk or act they way I am portraying them. Then I wonder what I was thinking and erase everything. Hmph. I hate not feeling like what I create is good. Even when I am writing on my blog I feel like writing is tedious. I feel like I am trying to wade through my muddy thoughts and put down something witty an eloquent. I feel like it never works and everything sounds boring and trite. Blaaaaah. yucky.

Anyway, Mike and I went away for the past two weekends. We went to a bed and breakfast for two nights two weekends ago and it was fantastic. It was very peaceful and quiet and the bed was very comfortable. The first night I didn't sleep well. I felt really scared in the room and felt like we weren't alone. I used to feel that way all of the time when I was in my early 20s. When I lived at my parents house I slept in what used to be Darby's room. I would feel terrified sometimes. There was a period when there was some weird stuff going on at our church. I mean, there were people introducing weird stuff and I am really sensitive to spirits. Something was with me and I don't mean the Holy Spirit.

The worst time I remember was laying in my bed and not being about to fall asleep. It was late at night and I felt terrified. All of a sudden, and mind you I was wide awake, I could not move my body. Something heavy was pushing me into the bed. It was hard to breathe but I started praying out loud. All of the sudden the thing lifted off of me in a wave from my feet to my head leaving a tingling feeling behind in it's wake. It was crazy.

It was scary like that for a few years. I moved in with someone and she was gone a lot. I felt terrified there a lot and always felt like someone was watching me.

When I moved to A Door of Hope things got a lot worse. I was terrified at night. I couldn't sleep and all of the other Mentors were having problems as well. I woke up one night to a dark cloud hovering above me. All I could think of to say is,"what the hell are you doing here"? My friend that had the room across from me said that she felt someone lay down next to her and kiss her neck. One halloween night I was there by myself and and I heard a several doors upstairs slam.

I decided to have people come in and pray through the house and immediately the problems stopped. It was crazy.

Well, the point is, and yes I did nothing to make this long story short, is that Mike prayed for me that night at the B&B and I wasn't scared anymore. It just confirmed that I can still get tormented by forces that I can't see.

This past weekend Mike and I went to the inner harbor for a wedding of two of his friends. It was a lovely Jewish wedding and the reception was so fun. We got back tot eh hotel around 3am and I still feel like I am recovering but it was totally worth it.

So, that's all my news for now. I don't feel like checking my work so sorry if there are any mistakes.

It is officially fall. I am thankful even though it feels like summer. I would prefer it to feel like fall but I believe I will be wishing it was warmer relatively soon. Doesn't it seem to always be that way with me? Always wishing for something else. I am trying to be thankful for the moment. I'm trying to stay there and not wish the present peacefulness away. When I am stressed I want peace. When there is peace I crave adventure. I feel like my life is one big mood swing.

But let's talk fall memories. Some of my favorite times because when we girls were little my parents would take us to do fun things in the fall. We would walk at Winterthur and I distinctly remember the smell of the leaves and being surrounded by so many colors. Deep reds and bright oranges. I loved the way the yellow trees looked against the deep blue sky. We would go to a place called Hawk Mountain where you hiked up and saw hundreds of swooping hawks. We would go to Linvilla orchards and tour through the fairytales and nursery rhymes depicted by scarecrows and pumpkin people. We would build fires in our backyard and sit and drink hot chocolate.

Fall is a happy time usually. I was always so excited to go back to school and see my friends but dreaded it just the same. I always had high hopes that this would be the year I did my homework and got good grades. This year I would get a boyfriend and have my first kiss. This year I would be happy. I never actually had one of those years. I had fun. I had dumb boyfriends that lasted for a few weeks. Never had my real first kiss until much later.Never good good grades or did my homework. I wonder how much my life would be different if my high school years were different. Maybe they wouldn't have changed. Maybe my life would be unrecognizable.

My most favorite fall memory was on a rainy day in October of 2005. As we stood in front of a fire in a beautiful big stone fire place I held the hand of my love and promised him that we would share the rest of our lives together. We've been holding hands ever since.

Anyway, I raise my glass of cider to fall and say welcome to new good memories.

I want to believe

I want to believe that there are good things just ahead for us. I want to believe that God loves us and wants amazing things for us. I want to believe that this time will pass. I want to believe that Mike will find a fantastic job and that he will finally be appreciated for his talents and wonderful work ethic. I want to believe good prevails and not evil. It's hard to believe. But I want to.

On our way

So we have decided that Mike needs to persue his dreams. We aren't really sure what that is right now. I told him that if he figures out what he wants to do with his life I will do whatever it takes to support him. We think he will probably have to go back to school. The thing is that his work will only reimburse him for 50% of his courses and limits that to like 1 course a semester. So, he is looking at other careers and trying to really figure out what he wants to do.

I on the other hand just got back on Ritalin which helps me to focus. I am hoping that I will be able to see more clearly now.

I feel like we are going to make a big move soon.

I feel like I should be doing something more productive with my life. I should be making more money or having a family or helping people. I feel stagnant. I feel like I was made for something a little more awesome tan this but I don't know what it is. I want to go back to school but I don't know what for and we can't afford it anyway. Mike wants to go back to school too but we again, can't afford it. I wish something awesome would happen. I need something to change.

No purpose. Giving nothing, creating nothing. Darkness where there should be light. Sadness where there should be a smile. Huge black hole always wanting more. No relief. No satiation. Someone always wants but no one wants to give. I reach out but no one is there. No one can give me what I need.

August 18th

On this date in 1974 one of the world's best people was born. My sister, Darby. Ever since I was born she has been my of my best friends and one of the most talented, beautiful, loving, kind, and funny people I have ever met. She is truly amazing.

Every year when we were young, I would look forward to her birthday almost as much as I looked forward to mine. Now granted, when I was very young I didn't understand that Darby's birthday meant that SHE got presents and I did NOT. This really cranked me out. I have pictures of me pouting my lower lip out while darby is smiling with her new doll in hand. The story goes that I went around the whole day with the aformentioned pouty lip saying. "Merry March" or "Murry Mawch" because of my speech impediment. Which of course meant, "I don't get presents until March and I am really VERY unhappy about it. " But you know, I was three, so, Murry Mawch is as good as it got. Anyway, as I got older I understood that the present thing, though it stung, was pretty normal. I did NOT however, like the fact that she got to have camp outs in the tent or go to the beach or any other variety of awesome summer activities while March was always around 30 degrees.

Through the years we had very many happy memories of her birthdays though as we got older we didn't/don't get to spend them together anymore. This hurts but I know that she is being celebrated for the wonderful person that she is.

So, Happy birthday, Dawby! I love you soooo much!!

Nice

So yesterday I started the HCG homeopathic drop diet. I felt pretty shitty yesterday. I had a horrible headache and really couldn't think well. However, I am happy to report that I didn't feel hungry and today I saw that I have lost 3.1lbs. I also feel a lot perkier so, I'm going to stick with it.

That's all I feel like saying just now.

August

Well, it is officially August. That makes me happy because I call September fall even though it is technically still summer. Can I just say that I hate the hot weather? Cause I do. I have said that before and I will say it again. Right now I am sweating and sitting in my pajamas writing on the computer. It is 12:42pm and I still haven't taking a shower and officially started my day. I have managed to clean the kitchen which is one thing that I do regularly. I can do the kitchen and the dishes. One thing I can not do is the stove top burners. They are disgusting and crusted with black gunk. How do I get it off? I tried soaking it and a bunch of cleaning products. The gunk does not budge. The day I find the remedy for that is a happy day in my book.

Also, I managed to watch part of a black and white movie with Carol Kane when she was younger. Some movie where she is a Russian Jew back in the early 1900 and she comes to America where she finds her husband Americanized. It is really interesting.

Last night when I was trying to fall asleep I started thinking about how it was odd that we are called Americans. Russians.Canadians.Indians. But then there are the Irish, French, Scots. It's weird. At least it was at 2:00am.

As I sit here sweating I realize that my right armpit smells a little stinky. My left one smells fine and I have noticed that before. Right pit stinky. Left pit fine. I wonder why that is.

I'll leave you with that delightful thought as I go and take a shower.

I think I have embraced living in the city. I have started taking dexter for daily, albeit short, walks around the block and I have met some nice people.
I also put a wreath on the dilapidated wood fence in the back. You know, make it look like I am really into the shabby chicness of the thing.I also painted a little bird feeder and stuck in in the yard. I am wondering if that was a bad idea. I forgot that birds like to poop. I forgot that Dexter likes to eat stuff on the ground. Do you catch my drift?
Speaking of eating poop. Dexter Dog is pretty huge now and can efficiently hop over the gate that blocks the stairs in a single bound. If he gets up enough speed around the corner he can clear it without knocking it down. He sort of prolongs the moment when he is stretched out mid air to make himself look like a horse effortlessly jumping a fence. He usually lands clumsily but he doesn't care. I have to race after him because he is fast. Like the wind. If I don't catch him in time he will dash to the litter box and grab a huge turd. putrid.
He is really kind of naughty. I try to discipline him like mike does because he listens to mike. He is just so darn adorable. I try to get mad at him for stealing paper and ripping it up. But he just does it with such passion. ripping and tearing and growling and showing that paper towel who is boss. I try to get mad at him for taking a running jump and landing on me when I am on the sofa but then he plops down on my lap and licks my hand. He is just too cute.
Well, I best go get the little guy from his time out. Yes, he gets time outs in his crate. I'll let you know how that works out.

much happier

I have seemed to emerge from a gloomy mist of sorts. I feel like I can breathe more freely. I feel like it is ok to be happy and laugh with friends. I am enjoying doing thing that are social without feeling self conscious and weird.

I feel like I can have fun and enjoy life without smoking pot and drinking. I'll be honest for the last year I have really been using substances as a crunch. The other night at the celebration of a dear, dear friend, we were going around the circle of love and saying what we loved about her or what we admired about her.This friend has gone though some severe trauma this past year. One friend said that one thing he admired was that this friend chose to walk in love and make good choices when so many others when faced with trauma make bad choices. It's really true. I on the other hand, when faced with any trauma, chose to abuse substances. Alcohol, marijuana, zanax. Not good choices. I am getting better. I haven't smoked anything in maybe 3 months. I still drink. I am trying to drink less. I didn't drink at all yesterday. That is good for me.

I'm working on other things too. Working on not being hateful in my thoughts. I am working on being kinder in general. Like, in my heart, not just on the outside. I feel better when I am kinder.

Horrible and selfish

That is all I can say about myself the last few months. I would say maybe since right about November. yes. November seems about right. It was like a demon crawled into my body aontrolled my mind and thoughts and made me really really VERY self centered when family and friends were going through the hardest time in their life. I started off unselfishly. My thoughts and deeds were pure in intention.I tried to be loving and honest and kind and then it was like Gollum with the ring in Lord of the rings. He wanted to be kind to Frodo but this demon just kept taking over and making him act really selfishly. I started to shut myself off from people who needed me to be open. I started surrounded myself with unkind people. I made choices that were self destructive and painful to those that love me most. Those I loved tried to tell me I wasn't seeing things clearly. They said that I was only seeing things from my view. I knew it and I told them I knew it but I held on to that selfishness with such tenacity that when someone tried to take it away I would lash out at them.

The other day I had a conversation with a sister of mine. This sister just sort of reiterated what the other sister has been saying since November. They love me. They always have. They always will. But I need to look past my pain and see things from the other side.

I decided that that was true. Then all of a sudden it was like the demon left my body. I kind of just started crying. Crying for my friend who was crushed. Crying because I wasn't supportive enough. Crying because I was the kind of person that I don't want to be. Crying because I know I can do better. Be better. I am better. Better than that behavior and those thoughts and actions.

So, I just want to apologize and say I was wrong. SO totally wrong and I will hopefully never be that selfish and blinded by my own feelings of hurt again.